The Mistake Was In The Askin'

Ms Celine apparently makes a lot of mistakes from the bowels of Scamland.

A big one was contacting my character.

Here's her mistake:


i want be of help to get your fund transferred into your bank account but there are  thing that I need to know before moving further.

{1} I want you to forward to me some information’s about this transaction some of your conversation with the bank,

{2}I am a trust worthy young lady I never married and I like business to sponsor myself so I want know exactly the amount the will be my shear after confirming your fund there in your country?

{3} I want to know more about your personality?
Yours ms.celine,
Thanks,   


She wants to know more about my character's personality?  Whoa, dudette...no, you really don't.

But what the heck...since she asked:

 i want be of help to get your fund transferred into your bank account but there are  thing that I need to know before moving further.
{1} I want you to forward to me some information’s about this transaction some of your conversation with the bank,

Response:  I have as yet not had a conversation with my bank about this transaction, as it is pretty still unknowd to me.
{2}I am a trust worthy young lady I never married and I like business to sponsor myself so I want know exactly the amount the will be my shear after confirming your fund there in your country?

Response:  I don't have answers to much of that just yet, though is "trustworthy" and "bustworthy" synonymous?  And just how much of a shear do you want?  There's no shortage of wind shear during mesocyclonic events hereabouts, if that's what you're into.
{3} I want to know more about your personality?

Response:  ah...you sooner or later had to get down to inquiring about MY personality.  Well okay, let's see how sorry you asked I can make you:

I am an obfuscative-concussive personality, abby normal and O positive bloodgally.  I can fart anywhere, at will or anyone else in range; my ex-fiancée used to refer to me as her biggest wind instrument.  I get it now.  I like things that like me back, unless they like me to the point of trying to eat me, then I withdraw my like with extreme prejudice and a heavy caliber weapon.  After which I hypocritically cook and eat them, though they don't call me Chef Boy-R-Dee-structive for nothing.  I have considerable reservoirs of knowledge that are two inches deep.  I am inexperienced with trigger warnings, safe zones and cupcakes that curl into a ball and foul themselves repeatedly on college campuses where knowledge is "noledge" and "societal wimp" is the norm.  I have a pet rock and indulge it with continental travel.  In a box.  If I had a dog, he/she'd get enough cheese.  I don't hire people with hooks attached to Neverland captains.  I've never had a good time by calling Candy at the number that Rikki lost.  I've learned that when pet rocks parody song lyrics, big squirrels don't fly and that Lucy's getting high on door knobs.  Frankly, I don't know how Lucy does that.  I am a curable romantic and believe cured bacon is easier to deal with.  They call me the Wonderer, 'cuz I wonder whether you're a moron by birth or choice, and won't be satisfied until my pizza is psychic enough to help me with the March Madness brackets.  For all my lost opportunities, I do know who shot JR and who killed Kenny, and at one time in my life I knew every episode of The Gong Show by heart until it was syndicated in Liechtenstein, whenst it became lost in translation. Alles gefallen undt hundsfott midde bark undt yappin undt schtuff.

There's so little more I could tell you but my syllable count just had a well done steak driven through its heart.

The reverberating *silence* that resulted from this response confirms my suspicion that Ms Celine didn't REALLY want to know about my character's personality.

Or she's desperately trying to review every episode of The Gong Show to see what my character was talking about.  Trust me:  it'll take more than The Gong Show to figger that out.

Snort And Poo the Point

This mri probably works for the next two hellary voters to be lowlighted here as well.

Lots of email scammers CONcoct lengthy missives, meant to bamboozle and impress the gullible with the 'authenticity' of the scam.

*BUZZZZZZER*

Others like to keep it simple, hoping that their intended victims will like it like that.

*BUZZZZZZER*

Either way, it works for me.

Like for instance:


To The Attention Of Beneficiary.

This is the office of the African International Foreign Transfer 
Holders Benin Republic. We got an information this Morning that you 
have an unclaimed Inheritance Funds Worth of $7.5Million United State 
Dollars which you have been trying from all angel to make a claim but 
no avail.

We are here to inform you that the African International Foreign 
Transfer Holders Benin Republic will make sure you have your 
Inheritance Funds release for your accessory in any form you wash to 
have it release to you. We await your Response for More details.

Thank You. From the Management
African International Foreign Transfer Holders Benin Republic.

----------------------------------------------------------------
This message was sent using IMP, the Internet Messaging Program.  


That ain't how it looked going back to the scammer and about 100 of his/her/its peers and colleagues:

On Tuesday, September 13, 2016 1:10 AM, African International Foreign Transfer Holders <foreigntransferholdersacount@gmail.com> wrote but waled to phrgoof read:

To The Attention Of Benef**ktory ad horrorum adchoo gesundheit.

This is the office of the African International Foreign Transfer 
Horksters Benin Repugnant. We got an inflammation this Morning that you 
have an unclaimed Ingrowdhairitance Fungus Worst of 7.5 dozen crotch

crickers which you have been trying from all angel to make a claim but 
no avail because not all angel have has that abscess that make the fart

go honda.

We are here to inform you that the African International Foreign 
Transfer Horksters Benin Repugnant will make sure you have no

banana release for your accessory in any form you wash to 
have it release to you. We await your Response for More details.

Thank You. From the Management
African International Foreign Transfer Horksters Benin Repugnant.

----------------------------------------------------------------
This message was sent using diseased spirit crustacean farts, the pogrom eunuch to

us in the Benin Repugnant.  We also teach waffle irons to fly again using our secret

formula.  

 

 

So far, that scammer's level of butt hurt precludes a reply.

Next:

You are a recipient to Mrs Julie Leach Donation of $3 million USD. Contact (julieleach93@gmail.com) for claims.

This information is directed in confidence solely to the person named above and may not otherwise be distributed, copied or disclosed. Therefore, this information should be considered strictly confidential. If you have received this email in error, please notify the sender immediately via a return email for further direction. Thank you for your assistance.   


Brevity is NOT always the soul of wit.  It probably wasn't in the edited version, either:

You are a reciperant of Mrs Julie "Clorox"Leachthing***. Contact (julieleach93@gmail.com) so she can claims you.  This information is directed in confidence solely* to the person named above and may not** otherwise be distributed, copied or disclothed, molested or sauteed. Therefore, this information should be considered* strictly cornfed 'n dentured. If you have received this email in enema, don't buy that brand no mores.  If you have received this email telepathically, you need an unlisted synapse.  If you just think that you received this email in error, don't let Nomad from that Star Trek (TOS) episode here about it...he'll sterilize you.  All that said, it was NOT an error and please notify the sender immediately via a thank you respond email for further emailesque dysentery. Thank you* for your assistance.

* NOT

**  You MAY distribute this even more far and widely than Mrs Leachthing did

***  Mrs Julie "Clorox" Leachthing is well named as you who are now her "legal reciperant" will soon learn

Madam Leachthing was apparently nonplused or minused over this, leaving me 2 and DOH in the replies department.

My pet rock, Seymour, was hoping I'd get called yet another version of "bastard/basterd" as he's compiling a dictionary for scammer speak...

#1200 Meets Nigerian DHL

Let's "celebrate" post # 1200 on this blog with the hash tag hag of the State Department, Marie Barf.

Ok, let's do it without her.

1200 posts on this blog since June 2005.  *Head scratcher*  Yeah, I didn't expect it to go this long, either.

But scammers are alive and well.  Thus I carry on.

Like with a Nigerian DHL knock off and their pithy effort to give my character the business:

DHL International Express Courier

Company 107, Isolo Express Road Lagos Nigeria

Tel: +234-708-683-8601

Working Hours....Monday: 8.00am -6.00pm.....

Tuesday: 8.00am - 6.00pm....Wednesday: 8.00am -

6.00pm Thursday: 8.00am - 6.00pm....Friday: 8.00am -

6.00pm.....Saturday: 10.00am- 4.00pm....Sunday: Closed.

Dear Customer,

This is DHL International Delivery Company of Nigeria,we wishes to officially inform you that, we received an International Certified Bank Draft parcel valued $5 million USD to be

delivered to you,to your residential address in your country.

This parcel was brought to our notice this morning,From International monetary fund(CBN),kindly reconfirm the below information's properly,to avoid us not making any mistake during delivery of your International Certified Bank Draft parcel to a wrong hand.

1. YOUR FULL NAMES:

2. Delivery Address:

3. CELL NUMBERS:

4. AGE:

8. OCCUPATION:

9. COUNTRY:

10.NEAREST AIRPORT:

11. COPY OF UR PASSPORT OR ID.

Therefore you are warned to stop any further communication with anybody concerning your inheritance fund.

We will register your package and send you the tracking number for safety delivery of your package as soon as you reconfirm the required information’s needed for safety delivery to your residential address in your Country.

DHL is one of the world's great success stories, the start-up that revolutionized the delivery of packages and information. In the past 30 years, we've grown up and grown into a diverse family of companies as DHL that's bigger, stronger,better than ever.

Yours affectionately.

Mr.Jackson Mund

Dispatch Manager DHL Company  

 

 

"Yours affectionately"?  Obviously the Nigerian DHL outfit hasn't had sensitivity training.  Or then again, they've had the hellary version of it.

 

Either way, my character found time for an edit that he felt was worthy of #1200.  My pet rock, Seymour, didn't agree ("PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!"), but it went out anyway:

 

 

From: Desmond William <desmond1190@outlook.com>
Sent: Friday, September 2, 2016 11:43 AM
Subject: DHL International X  

DHL International X

Fly Infested Internet Cafe 107, Isolo Express Road Lagos Nigeria

Tel: +234-708-683-8601

Hours....Monday: 8 I think....

Tuesday: the same....Wednesday: dildo...

Thursday: yeppers...Friday:  only 7.5....

Saturday: shit, that would spoil the scam..no one WORKS

on Saturday...Sunday: Closed (we're out sacrificing virgin goats).

Custoadmer,

This is DHL International X Delivery Company of Nigeria.  Our motto is

where and when it absolutely positively has to be f**ked up overnight.

We wishes to offishally inform you that we received a Certified check

mark parcel valued at $.99 cents in West African francs.  It is supposed

to have its liver removed and sended  to your residential address in what

we thanks is the same country as you.

This check marked parcel was brought to our notice this morning. 

From the size, shape and clarity of the check mark, we thinks it is

from a nearby clan of minkeys that regularly trash our fly infested

internet café, looking for bananas and whatever else they can steal.

DNC operatives are here now trying to teach the minkeys how to vote

for hellary broom stick one.  So far, it's not going well:  Marie Barf's

hash tag crimepaign is being treated as obscene tic-tac-toe by the

minkeys.

Before this gets outta hand, send us this stuff:

1. YOUR FULL NAMES:

2. Delivery Address:

3. CELL NUMBERS:

4. AGE:

8. OCCUPATION:

9. COUNTRY:

10.NEAREST AIRPORT:

11. COPY OF UR PASSPORT OR ID.

Therefore you are warned to stop any further communication with anybody voting for Trump.

Or Marie Barf will come up with a nasty hash tag for you.  We will register you as a bigoted, mean

spirited racehorse hormone phoned conservator and pick at your nose.  We are assured by the former

hindquarter of the DNC, Debbil Wasserwench Snitz that this threats will get you complatelet.

Nigerian DHL is one of the world's great suck stories, the huge step backward that devolutionized the

removing of livers of packages and information in the Third World. In the past 30 years, we've fouled

about everything we've touched, which is why the DNC and hellary want our illegal votes in November.

Don't vote for hellary and we'll riot and burn down our own neighborhoods.

Mr.Jackson Mund

Displotch Manure DHL X Company

Nigeria  

 

 

Nigeria's version of DHL didn't know what to do with this.  Neither did the hundred or so scammers and lowlifes that were copied in this edit.

 

When it absolutely positively has to confuse the scammers overnight...it do.

Quick Way To Butt Hurt A Scammer

And with this dude, it didn't take much once he actually got around to reading the whole email.

Read carefully his opening gambit that came under the heading of "Please Accept My Proposal":

I am the head of Accounts and Audit Department of Bank of Africa, Ouagadougou . I decided to contact you after a careful thought that you may be capable of handling this business transaction which I explained below;

 In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum of $13.5m US dollars (Thirteen million, five hundred thousand US dollars). In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in 2007 in a plane crash.

Since i got information about his death, The bank have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because The fund cannot be released unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately I learnt that his supposed next of kin(his son and wife) died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim .It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin (I want to present you as his business associate )to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and I don't want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained Unclaimed after seven years, the money will be transferred into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund.. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkina be cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

I agree that 35% of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 % will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 55% would be for me . There after I will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated. Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to your account as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as next of kin of the deceased customer.

Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer..

I expect that you contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter, and send me your personal data including your international passport before i send you the full details for continuation of this transaction.Reach me through kabouago6124@gmail.com

Hoping to hear from you immediately.

Yours faithfully,
Dr.Kabo Uago
Accounts & Audit Department,
Bank of Africa .  


Little did I know that this scammer has sensitive feelings:  

I'm already married and prefer women, so I reject your proposal.  Go find a goat or something.  

Uago didn't entirely grasp the reply, just the rejection:


How?  


What do you mean, 'how'?  'How' does anyone in your neck of the woods find a goat?  


Uago is still slow on the uptake:


Thank you for your response i want to know why you said you rejected my proposal?  

It's quite simple...I'm married and like women.  That's why I reject your proposal.  Find you a goat.  

I do not understand this.  why you reject my proposal?  


I repeat...I'm married and like WOMEN.  You like GOATS.  So go propose to one of THEM.  


what is wrong with my proposal?  


Everything.  You need to propose to a goat that doesn't care what sex you are. 


Finally, it sinks in:


you are bastard.  I no goat!  


I wouldn't take bets on that if I were you...bahhh.  


bastard  do not write more.  


Write more WHAT?  About your fetish for goat sex?  


Yup...butt hurt in Benin.  The goats probably aren't feeling good about this, either.

An IRS Edit Gone Hellary

That's about how she'd look, iffen she did read it.

Scammers regularly love to represent themselves as governmental agencies....the bigger and more intimidating, the better.

Who or what can be more intimidating to anyone (other than Snoopy) than the IRS?

So reasoned one email scammer, who came up with this:

 

  

Sir/Madam,

 

Our records indicate that you are a Non-resident, and that you are exempted from the United States of America Tax reporting and withholdings on interest paid to you on your account and other financial benefits. To protect your exemption from tax on your account and other financial benefits, you need to re-certify your exempt status to enable us confirm your records with us.

 

1. We need you to provide your permanent address and US address if any. if different from the current mailing address. You must indicate as a Non-US resident, the country you are residing, to support your non-resident status and if your bank or other financial institutions you are dealing with has a US address for mailing purposes.

 

2. Please complete 1 through 11 and have all account holder(s) (if more than one account holder) sign and date the form separately and send to us through the fax number or email at the bottom of the W-8BEN form. Note that if your W-8BEN FORM together with a copy of your International passport is not received from you after 7days from the day of the receipt of this letter you will lose your Non-resident status and be listed as undocumented,resulting in the standard rate of 30% being applied on any dividend or interest income received on your investments/accounts.*

 

List of required documents:

1.A copy of filled W-8BEN FORM.

2.A photocopy of the photo page of your international passport.

 

*If you should receive multiple notifications,it means previous filled out forms was not properly filled and as such,we need you to refill needed columns and re-fax oremail to us using the details at the bottom of W-8BEN.

.

 

We appreciate your co-operation in helping us protect your exempt status and also confirm our records.

Sincerely,

Angela M. Barrett.

IRS Public Relation  

 

 

While most reasoned, rational people out there with more than a DNC education would recognize this ploy for the scam it is, a lot of DNC adherents would be intimidated into following the instructions of this email.  As the scammers believe, "if only one idiot falls for this, won't it be worth it?".

 

So it came time for me to don my 'edit hat', even though I don't wear hats, and have a little fun with this version of the IRS:

 

 

From: Angela M. Barrett <irs.gov@globalgroups.us.org>
Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2016 12:46 AM
Subject: Tax Enema Mortification

 

 

  

 

Sir/Madam/Combinations Of Either and/or Neither,

 

Our records -- when played at 78 rpm backward -- indicate that you are a a devil bunny that snorts the banana, and that you are exempted from the Uranus Name Recovery Fund tax reporting and withholdings on interest paid to you on your account and other financial thingamabobs.  This is clearly not in keeping with IRS statue 1.1.1 -- a life size one of Hellary with her hand out and engraved with "If you got it, We want it!" -- as it costs large ass sums of money to keep that extra large ass in pant suits, along with the ransom money barry obola has to send to Iran regularly.  To prevent you from being classified a white male conservative stormtrumper racing gate hormone phone, you need to re-certify your exempt status to enable us confirm your records at 78 rpm with us so we can be assured that you're not a devil bunny snorting the banana.

 

1. We need you to provide your first born butt polyp, if any. If different from the current butt polyp our spy camera in your toilet has detected. You must indicate as a Non-Earth resident, the planet from which you are off or from, to support your non-resident status and if your bank or other financial institutions you are dealing with has donated to the Clinton Crimedation for favor purposes.

 

2. Please compete with 1 through 11 and write a 500 word essay in Azerbaijani that explains the reasons that you keep telling people to "just throw a bucket of water" on Hellary.  Note that if your W-8BEN FORM together with a copy of your International passport is not received from you after 7days from the day of the receipt of this letter you will lose your virginity to an Iranian swift boat named Achmed and be listed as a white male conservative stormtrumper racing gate hormone phone, which we are assured by pmsnbc will make you alienated in bingo clubs and get you banned from appearing on syndicated reruns of The Gong Show.*

 

List of required documents (which may be hacked from Hellary's primate email server that's concealed in the cleft of her massive ass):

1.A copy of filled W-8BEN FORM in Azerbaijani.

2.A photocopy of the photo page of your international passport without the editorial comments of your fifth grade class from Podunk Elementary, wherever and whenever that was.

 

* If you should receive multiple notifications, it means our nippleheaded DNC volunteers were too busy auditioning as genital humidors for Bill, and your previous filled out forms was not properly vetted and got fed to a shredder along with Hellary's missing emails and efemailsfilled -- which were blamed on Colin Powell, Richard Nixon and a republican duck named Howard -- and as such, we need you to refill needed columns with donated meth for our afternoon coffee breaks using the details at the bottom of W-8BEN. .

 

We don't give a sh** about your appreciation for our efforts, since it required us to listen to your records backward at 78 rpm to learn that you are devil bunnies snorting the banana. We thought Bill had that role.

 

Angela M. Barrett.

IRS Pubic Relation For Bill Clinton (aka The Arkansas Clit Licker)  

 

 

This version of the IRS didn't bother to reply as soon as they got to the devil bunnies and snorting the banana; they've probably tried it and found it doesn't achieve succor.  I doubt we'll hear from Hellary's stupor volunteers either, though they promised to be all over media that didn't say the politically correct things about the Wicked Witch of Chappaqua...

A Little Truth Edit Goes Over Badly With The Shady Bunch

I suspect that the scammers I'm about to lowlight are not only hellary supporters, but they're probably paid to be so.

Via the Clinton crimedation.

Witness as an email from an alleged UN law enforcement collective tries to tell me that I can be protected from internet scams for ONLY $85:

FROM THE UNITED NATIONS POLICE (UNPOL)
REGARDING RECOVERY OF YOUR LOST MONEY.

Attention!!!! Attention!!!! Attention!!!!

We hereby inform you that the Scotland Yard Police, Interpol, Federal Bureau of Investigation, (FBI) United States of America, the Economic and Financial Crimes

Commission (EFCC) of Nigeria and all the African Crime fighter leaders have come together to stop scam/internet fraud in Benin Republic, and Nigeria and all round

Africa. We have recovered over US$8.6 Billion United State Dollars from the people we have behind bars.
Listed below are the name of frausters and banks behind the non release of your funds.

1) Sanusi Lamido
2) Ms. Carman L. Lapointe
2) Micheal Edward
3) Chief Joseph Sanusi
3) Dr Godwin Emefiele
4) Mrs. Sherry Williams
5) Robert S. Mueller, III
6) Barrister David Scott
7) Mr. James B. Comey Jr
8) Barrister Ucheuzo Williams
9) Dr. Patrick Aziza Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
10) Mr. Dan Rochas (I.M.F)
11) Mrs. Tanner Williams
12) Mr Wilson Norman
13) Dr. Godwin Oboh: Director Union Bank Of Benin Republic.
14) Mr. John Collins: Global Diplomat Director.
15) Foreign fund diplomatic courier
16) Mrs. Jennifer Saldana
17) Mr Jim Ovia: Zenith Bank Plc In Nigeria

Our duty is to make sure we stop internet scam and money laundering. As for today we have put a lot of fraudsters in jail. We go all over Africa to pick this internet

rats,We have over 9,273 of them in our jail around Africa and we are still looking for more. We are aware that a lot of foreigners out there have been deceived and

lost their hard earn money to these fraudsters after promising them percentages in their letters/e-mails for their impending help to move funds out Africa including

fake lottery winning notification and at the end of the day, they will collect thousands of dollars from you without a successful end. It was agreed that to retain

the good image of our country and the rest of African countries, all the victims who lost his/her hard earn money to these faceless thieves will be compensated with

just US$3,000,000,00 (THREE Million United State Dollars).

This we assume will help you to start a new life. Please, we apologies that you take our offer as little as it is due to the fact that (victims) in our pay list are

too numerous. We en-back on this pay back from the money we recovered from these fraudsters, So you are advise to contact Mr. Dennis Owen, a United Nations Found

Monitoring Agent who is incharge of your found and let him know if you are still interested to get your Master Card to you today as he have been waiting to hear from

you to help him complete this delivery to you. contact him with your personal information below for the release of your Master Card worth US$3,000,000,00, with a World

Bank ATM Card Number. 4988 2414 7616 3496.Through the Bank Of England inter-swich computarization Department in United Kingdom

NOTE: You are advised to furnish Mr. Dennis Owen With $85 and also your correct and valid details. Also be informed that the amount to be paid to you is $3,000,000.00

(THREE Million United State Dollars). We expect your urgent response to this E-mail to enable us monitor this payment effectively thereby making contact with Mr.

Dennis Owen. As directed to avoid further delay.
Provide your details below correctly and forward it to Mr. Dennis Owen for the release of your Master Card.

FLL NAME.......
PHONE NUMBER.....
COUNTRY....
STATE.......
SEX.............
OCCUPATION........
AGE......

Contact Name: Mr. Dennis Owen
Contact Email Address: dennis_owen12@yahoo.com

Thanks and remain Bless
Mr. Michael J. Burn.
Supervising Manager

Foreign Payment Department
Benin Republic General Board & Compensation Reserve Team
GRANTED APPROVAL FROM INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND
Plot 01 B.P. 2289 Recette Principale Cotonou Republic of Benin  

 

 

This one so screamed for an edit, I figured adding the domestic Shady Bunch to it would give it some leftist cred:

 

 

FROM THE TEAM UNITED NATIONS WARPED POLICE (TUNWPOL)
REGARDING RECOVERY OF LOST VIRGINITY      

Attention!!!! Attention!!!! Attention!!!!

We hereby inform you that the TUNWPOL has taked over incestigations by Scotland Yard, Interpol, Leslie Neilsen, the ACOWSASS of Nigeria and all the African Crime perpetuating  leaders have come together to further scam/internet fraud in Benin Republic, and Nigeria and all round the upcoming American erections.

We have managed to scam and steal over US $8.6 Billion United State Dollars from the people who would otherwise has put us behind bars along with Hellary Clinton.
Listed below are those of us that are raping and pillaging your wallets so when the commercial asks, "what's in your wallet?", you can answer "nothin....dammit!!!".  

1) Sanusi Lamido
2) Ms. Carman L. Lapointe
2) Micheal Edward
3) Chief Joseph Sanusi
3) Dr Godwin Emefiele
4) Mrs. Sherry Williams
5) Robert S. Mueller, III
6) Barrister David Scott
7) Mr. James B. Comey Jr
8) Barrister Ucheuzo Williams
9) Dr. Patrick Aziza Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
10) Mr. Dan Rochas (I.M.F)
11) Mrs. Tanner Williams
12) Mr Wilson Norman
13) Dr. Godwin Oboh: Director Union Bank Of Benin Republic.
14) Mr. John Collins: Global Diplomat Director.
15) Foreign fund diplomatic courier
16) Mrs. Jennifer Saldana
17) Mr Jim Ovia: Zenith Bank Plc In Nigeria

18) Barack Insane Obola

19) Debbil Wasserputz Snitz

20) Hellary RodehardPutawayWet Clinton

21) Michael J. Burns (crafter of this email)

22) Dangote Alico

23) Plunger Lips Douche Nozzle

24) Loretta Lynches Wallets

25) Eric Holder

26) Al Megaphone Sharpton

27) Chris "Tingles" Matthews

28) Entire staph at pmsnbc

 

29) Dr. Nigel Basheer Mr "Kidney"

30) Clifford Twatwaffle, ATM card hacker

31) Dennis Owen (see below)

 

 
Our duty is to make sure we further and expotentially expand internet scam and money laundering. As for today we have added a lot of fraudsters that you duped sacks of shit would like to see in jail. We go all over Africa to recruit our internet rats, and we are pleased to have more than over 9,273 of them in our employ  around Africa and we are still looking for more. We are aware that a lot of foreigners out there are recruitable for this too.

In a meeting held at one of our fly infested internet cafes in Lagos, Nigeria, it was agreed that to further stain the good image of our country and the rest of African countries, all of our organization must work harder to expand our scams.  This we assume will stop you to start a new and prosperous life. Please, we apologies that you haven't yet been on our victim list if you haven't, you asshole.  

So if you as yet haven't been scammed by us, you are advise to contact Mr. Dennis Owen, a TUNWPOL Agent who is in charge of adding you to our list of scammed persons.  Contact him with your personal information below so we can start the process of screwing you over soonest through the Bank Of England inter-swich computarization Department in United Kingdom and we start you simply by telling you to furnish Mr. Dennis Owen With $85 and also your correct and valid details. Also be informed that the amount you're being promised to received, but will never see a penny of, is $3,000,000.00

We demand your urgent response to this E-mail to enable us monitor this payment effectively thereby making contact with Mr. Dennis Owen. As directed to avoid further delay.
Provide your details below correctly and forward it to Mr. Dennis Owen.

FLL NAME.......
PHONE NUMBER.....
COUNTRY....
STATE.......
SEX.............
OCCUPATION........
AGE......

Contact Name: Mr. Dennis Owen
Contact Email Address: dennis_owen12@yahoo.com
 
Hurry the f**k up...we can't wait to scam you,
Mr. Michael J. Burn.
Supervising Mismanager

Foreign Scams and Internet Fraud Department
Benin Republic Internet Fraud Team
GRANTED APPROVAL FROM INTERNATIONAL SCAM AND FRAUD TEAM
Plot 01 B.P. 2289 Recette Principale Cotonou Republic of Benin

Amusingly, it wasn't long before I got a response from the original scammer:

 

 

basterd  

 

 

What...did I leave some of your colleagues out?  

 

 

Perhaps I did, but they ain't gonna tell me ;-)

The Medusa Effect

Look not too closely, for ancient tales tell you that to look at the face of Medusa will turn you to stone.

'Nuff said.

Found a way to work that and other elements into an email scam edit here.

Here's the gist of the scam, many times seed h'yarbouts:


Dear Elected.
I bring peace and love to you from God and our lord Jesus Christ. It is by the grace of God that I received Christ, Having known the truth; I had no choice than to do what is lawful and right in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of God mercy and glory upon my life.

I am Mrs. Esther Masego the wife of Late Mr. Sadasivan Masego from Malaysia, My husband worked with the Central Bank Of Malaysia for ten years before he died in the year 2005.We were married for twenty-seven years without a child. My Husband died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 9,900,000.00 GBP (Nine Million Nine Hundred Thousand Great British Pound) with Barclays Bank PLC, UK.

Presently, this money is still with the bank and the management just wrote me as the next of kin to come forward to sign for the release of this fund only know to me and my late husband or rather issue an authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf if I cannot come over.

Unfortunately, I'm in a hospital in Malaysia where I have been undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer. I have lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only few months to live. It is my last wish to see this money distributed to any charitable organizations anywhere in the World. Because relatives and friends have plundered so much of my wealth since my illness, I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them.

Please will you utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein ?.  I want you to take 35% of the total money for your personal use. And 5% shall stand to settle any other expenses that may be incurred in the course of executing the transaction, while the remaining 60% of the money will go to charity people in the street without home, helping the orphanage and less-privileged once.

Please i don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my soundless voice and presence of my husband's relatives around me always. So please kindly send me only E-mail here (esthermasego@163.com) because I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.

As soon as I receive your response I shall give you the contact of my late husband Attorney who is in Europe as he will be the one to assist you in laying claims for this money. Your prompt reply will be appreciated. Thank you.

Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Esther Masego .
My Personal E-mail:  esthermasego@163.com  


Alrighty then.  Here's how my character chose to respond in edit mode:


Dearly beloved, 

 We are gathered here in the presence of a marmot and a yak, under the grace of the evil baphomet Gorgonzola who looks like Hellary Clinton in a 6 XXXL butt thong, to join these two bestialities as marmot and yak -  what, were you expecting them to become waffle iron and toaster oven? - in the throes of holy sh*t, as accredited in the Atheist's Travelogue of the Galaxy of Cygnus V, related loosely to the Pram of Horkstra, and being an honorable office before being taken over by Occutards that smelled worse than goats in heat.

 

 I am Mrs. Esther Masego, a blighted soul of dubious antecedence and no attached genitals, having been a Lego game in my previous life and having a komodo dragon steal them when I was on a pilgrimage to Singapore to audition to be one of Bill Clinton's intern genital humidors, only to find that being genital-less, I did not qualify.

 

F**k.  That's a procreative word used as a colorful metaphor, for those of you at the DNC that need things explained to you.

 

I was once married for twenty-seven years without a child.  Having had my Lego genitals stolen by a komodo kinda made that inevitable, ya think???

 

My Husband died after being shot at the Cincinnati Zoo. Before his death we were both born again Simians.  He should have stayed here.  Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child in Cincinnati since I might get shot there too.

All those gathered here, if there is any reason why any of you see any reason why this marmot and this yak should not be joined in the throes of a really kinky sex position, speak now or forever direct your iphones h'yar for some future YouTube video, you sick bastards.

Unfortunately, I'm in a hospital in Malaysia where I have been undergoing treatment for having looked at a picture of the chairpoison of the Demoncrap National Crimeittee and having been turned to stone.  I have lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only few months to either get cured or shipped to a rock quarry. It is my last wish to see Trump throw hellary and obola in prison and fire everyone at pmsnbc.   I cannot live with the agony of entrusting constitutional responsibility to any of them.
  

 Please will you utilize a chisel to chip away and get at an itch between my shoulder blades?

Please i don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my concrete nature and presence of asphalt contractors trying to figure out why a picture of Debbil Wasserputz Schultz does better concrete work than they can. So please kindly send me only E-mail here (esthermasego@163.com) because I don't want them to know that asphalt isn't concrete or a problem with one's butt.  With a cell phone, texting app and a twatwaffle, all of the dumbest things in life are possible.
 

 As soon as I receive your response I shall give you the contact of my late Attorney who is in southeastern Europe looking for necks to bite and avoiding reverends with crosses and sharpened stakes.  Your prompt reply will be appreciated as that itch between my shoulder blades is getting worse.

Yours in concrete,
 Mrs. Esther Masego .
 My Personal E-mail: esthermasego@163.com  

 

 

The scammer figured it out with her silence (a concrete larynx makes it tough to talk anyway), and the DNC knows better than to figure I can be converted to a hellary voter by this time.  I'm sure my typed invitation to a conservative concentration camp is awaiting dispatch if this country is so dumb as to not indict her...

Kim Jong Un, An Editing Pet Rock...and Uranus?

Kim Jong Un is now claiming that his country will soon "prant their frag on the moon".

Uh huh.  And hellary Clinton will tell the truth.

One's about as likely as the other.

But my pet rock, Seymour, saw an article that made the claim that North Korea would send a mission to the moon sometime after 2020.

I heard the pet rock's "edit going wild" *TOING* with ease.

Thus:

WTFNS Exclusive: North Korea Hopes to Plant Flag on Uranus

• By Seymour PetRock, WTFNS
  

PYONGYANG, North Korea

North Korean space officials are hard at work on a five-year/500 billion mile plan to put any kind of satellites into orbit by 2020, and don't intend to stop there: They're also aiming for Uranus.

In an interview with WTFNS, a senior official at what passes for North Korea's NASA said international sanctions won't stop the country from trying to launch missiles that might actually work one day and that he expects to see the North Korean flag on Uranus within the next 10 years...if he expects to avoid being executed.

"Even though Team America Worrd Porice try to brock our space deveropment, our aerospace scientists is gonna conquer space and definitery prant the frag of the DPRK on Uranus," said Hak Yang Kwang Il, director of the scientific research department of North Korea's National Aerospace Dream On Administration.

North Korea's official name is the Third World dump south of the Yalu.

A manned, no-frills North Korean mission to Uranus in the not-too-distant future isn't as far-fetched as it might seem: Kim Jong Un – forever seeking increasingly exotic forms of execution for those who “disprease me” – suggests that loading a rocket to Uranus with dissidents is an effective way to both project North Korean technical prowess and rid the regime of undesirables.

Outside experts say it's abject stammering stupidity, at which Kim Jong Un excels. 
 
"It would be a significant increase in technology, one that we don't want to insult them over by saying that it is beyond them," Marie Barf, the State Department hash tag hag said in a twitter hash tag to WTFNS.

Hak said “the current five-year pran, at the order of reader Kim Jong Un, focuses on raunching more Earth observation saterrites and what would be its first communications saterrite” — which, technologically, is a major pipe dream for a nation that thinks one flush toilet at their airport near Pyongyang is a 21^st Century step forward. He said universities are also being upgraded to the equivalence of a democrap ruined inner city high school to train people on how to order rocket parts from Acme Company.

North Korea has marked a number of successes in its space program — by proving that there's a growing space between the ears of Kim Jong Un. 
 

It attempted to launch a test satellite — the KwangDungFungYu 4, or Bite Me 4 — into orbit on Feb. 7. It blew up a kimshi shop on the outskirts of Wonsan. That brought new sanctions because blowing up kimshi shops are banned under rather useless UN resolutions.

Hak said the sanctions are "ridicurous." For once, we agree.

"Our country has started to accomprish our pran and we have started to gain a rot of suckesses," he said. "No matter what anyone thinks, our country going to raunch more saterrites."

He said North Korea's long-term target is to use its satellites to threaten the US and other countries into giving it more aid that it doesn't deserve because the country is run by totalitarian dickheads that refuse to behave.

The U.S. State Department doesn't want to piss off Kim Jong Un, so the hash tag hag – Barf – is trying a campaign “of soothing, conciliatory hash tags meant to calm Kim Jong Un's savage belly fat and make him not hear so many trigger words that require him to retreat to his safe zone”.

North Korea claims to have two satellites in orbit, KMA-3-2 and KMA-4. Hak said that as of July 27, KMA-4 had completed 2,513 feet of one orbit, and that within one day after its launch it transmitted 7 photographic images back to Earth of Ginger and Mary Ann on Gilligan's Isle. He said that his agency reports to Kim Jong Un that it is still working properly and sending data whenever it passes over a hellary clinton crimepaign stop, which it might eventually.

Foreign experts have yet to confirm that anything other than one of Kim Jong Un's relatives -- fallen from favor with the Pudgemeister – is in orbit.

German analyst Schweinhund Hundsfott, one of the world's foremost experts on North Korea's missiles and rockets, said the basic North Korean claims are “flieger schiesse”.

He said the North Korean military has already succeeded in convincing Kim Jong Un that they have developed long-range missiles that can reach anywhere on Earth. As long as he doesn't insist that we prove it, we (anonymous sources within the North Korean Army) will live to see another day."

An anonymous North Korean spy source – speaking from Liechtenstein – said that "I agree they (the North Koreans) will continue to behave like douche nozzles and twatwaffles," he said. "Of course, there are lessons learned that you can also apply to jackwagons and tofu lips. But the whole space program as constituted by North Korea shows so many different characteristics of abject failure that they seem to be separated from reality by a devastatingly wide degree."

I don't think that Seymour outdid himself with this edit...but he might be hearing from the hash tag hag about the unflattering photo...

The Hunt For Porkyman Whoa

My pet rock, Seymour, apparently misunderstands the Pokémon phenom.

He swears that people are using a phone app to hunt down porkymen.

Whoa.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think that my pet rock is taking a shot at me.

Pet rock *TOING*

I do believe Seymour IS dissing me.

Especially when Seymour showed me pictures of the 'porkymans' that he'd collected as part of the game:

Porky, yes...man...*BUZZZER*

...getting closer...

...yeah, I'd call that a porkyman...

...Seymour found hisself a whole bar of porkymans...

...most certainly a porkyman with a moron in the background...

...looks a bit more like a porkyhun...

...or a punkinman...'n spouse...

...then this looks like a hokeyone...

"I didn't put that there!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I think Seymour thinks I just ruined his game with that one.  Probably did.

Illiteracy Amongst Scammers Is Epidemic

Say hello to Wendy.  Wendy Willcox of the book The Adventures of Wendy Willcox and Her Dog Willis.  There's a reason I bring this up (looking at the picture usually threatens to bring up my previous meal)...one of my latest scammers is named Wendy Williams.

And is about as stupid as Willis.

Here's how Wendy Williams began her ploy with my character:

 PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP  

 

 

That was all.  So I just jumped right in, reminded of the Willcox character:

 

 

I've seen your dog.  I agree you need help.  

 

 

That, for the uninitiated, is Willis.


However, the reference to the dog meant nothing to Wendy Williams; all that mattered to 'her' was that my character apparently lived, breathed, and had a working email address that he had replied from:

My Dearest in the Lord:Moose,

Thanks for your urgent response to my email, I am very happy that you are ready to assist and work for humanity which proves that you are destined with a good heart. Working for charity is working for the Lord because this is what our Lord ordained. I read your mail and Really I understood that the few bad people in this world have spoilt image of the good ones and the bible said in HEBREWS -11-6 but without faith it is impossible to please him (GOD) for he that cometh to GOD must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarded of them that diligently seek him, I have know fear but faith. For all our wealth without Jesus, is vanity upon vanity.  I will like you to know that I have discussed with the banker who will  transfer the money to you this morning, attach on this mail is identification ,as you can see how sickness has turned me to be older than my age, but I am young in Christ ,for there is better life ,after death.

 

The banker said that they will need to hear from you first, so that they can explain the transfer procedure to you directly. Please see below the contact of the banker. I want you to contact the banker immediately you receive this email and also promise me one thing. That you will manage the money very well and I want to make sure I sign all the necessary documents needed Please Kindly Contact My banker on his contact information Above when I am no more as my days are numbered.

 

SEE THE BELOW CONTACTS
Contact person Ext 110 : MR. GWALA MASHABA
STANDARD BANK CREDIT MANAGER.
Tell+27 83-958-1842,

E-mail: gwalamashaba.standard@consultant.com

Please update me of your communication with the banker as soon as possible. I count on you; please keep praying for me as I will be praying for you too. Also let the congregation of the church you worship also pray for me.

Thanks and may the Grace of our Lord almighty be with you.

Your sister in the Lord.
Mrs. Wendy Williams
Tell +27-63-287-9558  

 

My email didn't have all that much to it, so either she is dyslexic (hence all the references to God rather than Dog) or simply illiterate; in which case email templates are a god/dogsend to those who follow in her scamsteps.

 

She even included what she billed to be a picture of her:

 

 

I gather that she's the one in the chair.  Or is the chair.

At any rate/fabric design, I decided to see if her banker was paying any better attention to what I writ than she was...thus went to the banker an edit of her email thus:

My Dearest in the Moose Lodge,

Thanks for your lackluster and skimpy respond to my email, I would be very very happy that you are ready to assist and work for humanity if you had said that in your email; instead, you referenced having seed my dawg and took it from that to suggest that I did, indeed, need help.

WTF?

Anyway, I don't have a dawg; I have a Babylonian River Dancing Spider Hamster named Hellary.  I also have a faux Indian chinchilla onyx named Fauxcahontas Warren; she's supposed to be someone famous in American politics for nothing in particular, though I think that I digress. 

The point is, that you bothered to reply proves that you are destined with a good heart until such time as you ladle its innerworkings with cholesterol and it locks up on you faster than a hellary supporter trying to say what she's accomplished.  Working for chastity is working for nothing around here, because something's always screwing something else in this part of the world.  And that is what our artificial deity ordained.

I had your mail read to me by the local witch doctor we rented from Azerbaijan and Really I understood that the few bad assholes won't spoil the whole bunch girl, which is a song by Michael Jackson before his nose imploded on South Park.  Some people in this world...people who eat people...are the lousiest people...in the world.  This led me to have spoilt image of the less edible ones and the good book that we use here -- Dr. Ruth's Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Try With A Groundhog -- said in Coffeemakance -11-6 that but without grounds it is impossible to please the customer for he that cometh to have caffeine and to not have it must believe that he is also short of bacon. 

Further, in the book of Flatulence - 1-1-1, is says that "phfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff" and that he is a rewarded of them that diligently seek a stealthy one cheek sneak;  I have knowd fear but I shall fear no flatus for I have a Glade Plug in and hurricane fan. For all our wealth without burritos, is vanity without propellance. 

Now to biscuits...I will like you to know that I have discussed with the banker who spoke to the candle dick maker who knows the muffin pan who lives on Oral Gum Drop Lane and will  transfer 65 aqueducks to a water hole in rural Ohio and bill it accordionly.  To help him help those who help themselves who vote for the Bern, attach on this mail is identification, as you can see how sickness has turned me into be a chair being sold at a Goodwill outlet in Sandusky. 

The banker said that they will need to hear from you first, so that they can explain how it is that a barking spider can clear an elevator almost as fast as a full size picture of Hellary in a butt thong.  Please see below the contact of the banker. With a name like the banker have, names like Schmuckers will no longer be the only thing suggestive of being good.  I want you to contact the banker immediately you receive this email and also promise me one thing:  you won't play William Hung's Favorite Vuvuzela Hits on YouTube and I want to make sure that you sign all the necessary documents that guarantee that YouTube will be spared that.  Kindly Contact My banker on his contact information Above when I am no more as my days are numbered because they tattooed a calendar on my ass and from the size of it they were able to cover a year and a half or so. 

Contact person Ext 110 : MR. GWALA MASHABA

WHEEL OF FORTUNE LETTER TURNER BECAUSE VANNA WOULDN'T COME HERE SINCE THE LOCALS WANTED TO EAT HER.
Tell+27 83-958-1842,

E-mail: mailto:gwalamashaba@outlook.com.com

Please update me of your communication with the banker as soon as plausible deniability is a word in Burundi. I count on you because counting on my ass is too terrible to contemplate and it breaks every mirror hereabouts; please keep donkeys from braying for me as I will be braying right back at them if the bastards start up. Also let the congregation of the Cheers watering hole know that Kirstee Alley doesn't wear as big a butt thong as Hellary does.

Your sister in the Jack Daniels billboard ad from Dribbleglass.

Show original message

Mrs. Wendy Williams
Tell +27-63-287-9558  

 

 

...and I included the above, so they'd maybe sorta get the reference.  


That reply was obviously NOT READ by her bank and her curiously named wanker banker:

From: Mr. Gwala Mashaba

Standard Bank Credit Manager

Tel: +27 -83-958-1842
Fax:+27-86-219-0342

Standard Bank, Pretoria Branch, South Africa  

Attn: Moose            

Re: Confirmation of the Procedures to effect the transfer of US$20.5Million funds into your bank account in overseas. 
 
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail for the fund transfer of Mrs. WENDY JANE WILLIAMS and she instructed me to contact you regarding the funds which she wants me to transfer to your account, I wish to inform you that I have a meeting with your partner Mrs. WENDY JANE WILLIAMS and I have proceeded with the transfer documents.

Firstly, before we proceed, We need to secure a Court Order and change all the documents of the said funds to your name as the next of kin/beneficiary of the above mentioned sum before we will transfer the funds to your account.

I want to inform you that if I proceed in this transfer without the court order to change the beneficiary to your name, it will be a waste.

Open your attach files herein and fill our bank form with your account details and return it back to us with a copy of your passport or drivers license for our bank record as to enable me transfer the funds into your account.
 
Do call me as soon as you get this mail.

Waiting for your anticipation.

Thank you. 

 

Regards,

 

  Mr. Gwala Mashaba

Standard Bank Credit Manager

Tel: +27 -83-958-1842

Fax:+27-86-219-0342

Standard Bank, Pretoria Branch, South Africa  

 

 

Since they don't seem to read anything:

 

How, oh how, oh how do we go about securing a court order for such a thing?  And does it come with sides?   No, make that a side of onion rings.  


stop emailing us.  


Why?  You started it.  I want my side of onion rings.  


Guess I'll have to go to Sonic for my onion rings...