Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Dear Skunky -- VII
Dear Skunky didn't really outdo hisself on this latest scam bait with two individuals of dubious antecedence; but I certainly pissed them off to no end.
Gentlemen, I do not believe that either of you have appreciated the time, the effort, and the dedication to the business you tried to give me, that I have genuinely and sincerely reciprocated with. I mean, this is no easy feat for a guy -- many years at peace and comfortably disintegrating in the biological sense -- to perform all the feats necessary that you have proscribed I do. When all of this is taken in the proper context, I think you will find that I have done remarkably well, and will alter your last stated opinions of my having treated your efforts as "childish jest and wasting of value time", or however you badly wrote it. Let me be precise in my effort to bring clarity to your minds:
1. I am, in fact, Jerome C. "Curly" Howard, late of the comedy team The Three Stooges. I died in 1952. How you came to contact me is via the wonders of the astral bridge, and extant technology that continues to improve the reach between the physical and astral planes. It's called Instrumental Transcommunication, or ITC for you acronym lovers out there, but I kind of digress.
2. Bearing in the mind the aformentioned fact that I am dead as a recording contract for William Hung of American Idull fame, I wish for you to appreciate the efforts it took me to do the records search that I executed, to come up with the money that you required. Unfortunately, this record search would necessarily come acropper, as records I'd had reposed to a place of security back in 1952, have been rather out of my control for the past 56 years, so the question of cashing in any life insurance policies was, how to put it delicately, soitenly oudda what's left of my hands...see what I just did there? nyuk nyuk nyuk.
3. So, using the ol' bean in an entrepreneurial sense -- it's deteriorated some, too -- I reckoned that if I couldn't get the cash via traditional means, I could improvise. So I did. Now I want you to appreciate the effort here: procuring the tool and die equipment, spending the hours of laborious crafting and customizing a mold, countless test printings and adjustments, until I came up with the poifect mold of a Euro bill, customized and denominized to your almost exact fiducial requirements. I mean, I couldn't be exact: who'd believe a Euro for $14,261? Not even the dumbest Frenchman alive would have bought that, though John Kerry might of, but he ain't really French, he just acts like it. So I made it rounded off at $14,500, to give it that authentic look and touch. As for the artwork thereon, you must admit that it fits your modus operandi to a tee, and symbolizes so well your efforts to give me the business, and where those efforts were destined to wind up from the beginning.
4. All you had to do was print two copies, meld them together on a quality two-sided color copier, and present them at any bank in France. The North Koreans do it with US dollars and Euros, all the time. And if those mental munchkins can get away widdit....horsefeathers....y'all soitenly can!
5. Oh, I know what you're thinking: "if the North Koreans jumped off a cliff, or counterfeited nukes, would you do it, too?". Well, yes, if that's what your scam had called for....but it didn't, so you got what you were deserving of. If you'd asked for nukes, I suppose I coulda found made some up, just for you lads.
Now, I realize this is all new and a bit upsetting to you, Kanga, but the sulking of your dubious bannister is recognition that he, moreso than you, gets it: you tried to pull one over on a foreign dupe, and instead, you've been had by a DEAD GUY. DEAD, DEAD, D-A-I-D GUY. And I'll bet he gets what you have yet to grasp as well: YOUR EFFORT TO SCAM A DEAD GUY THAT WENT PHFFFFT, IS GOING TO BE POSTED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB, SO THE WHOLE WOILD KNOWS YOU'VE BEEN SCAMBAITED BY A DEAD, D-A-I-D GUY! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Even Moe is smiling at that one...*eye poke* Ow!
Any time, Kanga. It's soitently been a slice! Now if you'll excuse me, Moe needs to straighten another chisel on my head..*whang* Ow!
Jerome "Curly" Howard
The Three Stooges
And widdat, I'm sorry to say, communications with Mr. Kanga ceased, suggesting that Kanga "gets it" now. Nyuk nyuk nyuk...
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Vocabulary Builder -- IV
I could blame Serena Joy and Hale McKay for this.
But why bother: all of the verbicidal abnominations and abysmal linguisticides herein are the product of a thrice-concussed, scam-baiting, no-life person of extensive antecedence with next to nothing to show for it. Save for silly photos and abuse of syntax the likes of Sodang and Gidoerit, or some other pseudo thang I just did something weird with.
Of course, this hyar blog is full of such.
So, against better judgement which I've never demonstrated anyway, here's some more words to help you build up your cruciverbalism to a point that no one will care anyway, since they won't understand many of the woids your misusing:
- wart with a lisp
- to cross obliquely
- a booty blemish
- a medieval athletic supporter
- Black Adder's main target of abuse
- a cross-body belt for a sword
- big ass suitcase-in-waiting, with teeth in the meantime
- an Aussie company you pay to make crank calls for you
- a cheap, knock-off soap
- an armored outhouse
- an ass big enough to mount a turret on
- bad tempered
- sweet (ducking boos and throwd items)
- a buzzard buffet
- a tune played on bells
- Latin meaning "let's go to the forum for dames"
- Latin meaning "that's some beergut, Earl"
- Latin meaning "to precipitate a war"
- a remarkable thing
- when what's left of Michael Jackson's nose implodes
- a charging bull
- a watering hole where lies and whoppers grow like weeds
- any political campaign 'war room'
- something that, spread around, makes things grow
- an articulated bus
- the middle of the line gives way
- a Godzilla-like critter that ate Kyoto in a really cheeseball movie in the 50s
- Japanese marinated culinary dish
- made Teri sick and she...
-making it up as one goes
- oops, wrong way widda proctoscope...
- Redneckspeak for "a Yankee-made tractor"
- a former receiver for the San Diego Chargers
- Redneckspeak for "what baling wire and glue dun"
- a skillet after I tried cooking widdit
- her nickname for the frying pan she uses to dent his haid with
- show no emotion
- someone immortalized for taking a stand
- someone immortalized for clearing a stand
- I'm screwing with words again
- lame sex
- to ridicule (could be the above, too)
- lamp sex
- sound a bell makes
- for whom the smell tolls
- the end result of cud
- victim of a cowtip
- a cattle rustler
- a cow with a really bad golf game
- artificially made transuranic radioactive metallic element (all together now...WTF?)
- museum built for Lawrence Welk memorabilia (bubbles optional)
- Lawrence of Arabia's second cousin, twice removed for drunken flatulence
- a strict disciplinarian
- a Martian munchkin
- that weird dude that pitches the Weed Weasel, or some such...
- some people make tea out of it, but not more than once
- a bell tower
- camp like an Egyptian
- Latin for "an incidental remark"
- Latin for "a dental faux pas"
- Latin for "She bit your WHAT?"
- one of those big ass Jurassic birds
- okay, one of those big ass Jurassic cats?
- on the fringe...of one of the above?
- see you rater
- musical parody
- a type of Malaysian clothing
- Ahab the Arab
- what politically correct junkies are doing after reading that
- a green ogre that farts
- the first two letters tuckered out
- parody, ridicule, sarcasm
- a tire with a lousy sense of timing
- Mexican for "to kill you"
- Mexican for "to render blonde"
- Mexican for "makes sunrise and sunset non sequitur in sufficient quantities"
- what one of my former peers called a stumbling drunk
- a weevil that walks funny
- it means whatever you want it to...screw the traditionalists
- cry of the yeller-bellied snapsinator
- sound a Muslim makes when he realizes you slipped him pork
- Iowaspeak meaning "to spit a loogie"
- Latin meaning "that Viagra's shot"
- Latin meaning "to hang someone"
- non-Latin meaning "not a friggin' thing..I madeth it up"
- one part verbs, one part nouns, a spritz of vowels and wha la...Vanna White?
- substance used to control linguistic pests (doesn't work on me, tho'...)
- murdering syntax with reckless spellcheck
- what happens to adults when they've a houseful of kids and one phone
- pychic communication with a rooster
- a word I abominated and let Charles Harrington Elster borrow for one of his books
- musical Volkswagen
- locust quartet
All the "Mommy, make him stop"s might...if you pay me enough...
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Vocabulary Building III -- Politickally Carwrecked
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Vocabulary Builder II -- Are We Done Yet?
After an apparent successful effort at vocabification for to help edumacate my readers -- and the blog wasn't stormed by the NEA or Reader's Digest -- I'm back for anuddah go at furthering cruciverbalism in the cyberland of the written woid.
This time out, I will focus on, though not exclusively, more obscure, infrequently used words. Words that ought not be forgotten, simply because you haven't heard anyone use them, and no one would know what you just said if you insert them into casual conversation with a four year old. Or, in the case of Washington, DC parents, your 18-30 year olds.
Sure, sure...they don't know any of these words, but they know all the short syllabled ones that allow them to follow along with gangsta rap lyrics:
- state trapped between Califorlornia and Washington state
- an instrument of thought or logic
- support grope for recovering organists (see what I just did there?)
- *special extra choice implied by a reader* six-fingered lad missed the 'G' spot again...
- something that's really..
- an air leak in a closed system
- upping the ante on a dare
- injury caused by a writing utensil
- a jury of peers in a writ of habeus penus
- eternal damnation (ie., what I'll get for those other two choices)
- country between Spain and the Atlantic
- goose your girlfriend
- recklessly wasteful
- an Asian plant with pink/white flowers
- what Nigerians try to do via email
- the art of political fund raising (where the Nigerians probably learned from)
- head gear for a sect of feline nuns
- a city in eastern Syria
- the natural home of an organism
- a specialty dish at Thanksgiving
- an obscenity in Azerbajani
- a gossip
- Latin for "a slip of the pen"
- Latin for "licks squid"
- Latin for "I thought you were on the pill"
- a noxious emanation
- a disease afflicting dogs seeking the more comfy chair
- an overwhelming psychological urge to visit Graceland
- the simple precis of a Michael Moore mockumentary
- proper title for someone of non-royalty
- a look into the mind of a serial blonde
- an off-Broadway musical about the life and times of Dr. Sigmund
- a song from the bar scene in Star Wars
- composure in the face of aggravating circumstances
- the longest word in this entry
- a tinkling of bells
- someone tinkling on bells
- going into the wrong rest room
- when guys think widda "other" head
- what police try to elicit from eyewitnesses at a crime scene
- a nickname for someone who did a face plant on their keyboard
- a set of letters or characters in a particular design
- a really big friggin' Virginian
- a wine flavored with flatulent herbs
- to depart in haste, 'specially if chased by that big friggin' Virginian
- stupid insect
- substance used in doping a semi-conductor
- edible pants
- no alterations needed
- a polecat
- a scarf used as a kleenex
- an acronym for Situation Naturally All Really F***ed
- a word someone made up
- fish eggs as a hors d'oeuvre
- served at funeral home parties
- a really nasty idea for road kill
- her torso
- what Elmer Fudd's spouse is in cwisis over...hahahahaha...(ducking boos and throwd items)
- trained to assist in child birth
I know you're glad that's over. But it ain't...Part III coming up...