Such A Lovely Scam

The template seems a popular one:  a scammer contacts my character to find out if my character is alive or dead, and inform him that someone is trying to claim my character's "fund" by claiming he's dead.

*Yawn*

My character can usually drive the scammers on these a bit insane with a simple demonstration of total indifference and generosity.

Here's the latest ploy:


Attention,Dear Email Address Owner,

How are you today? I am Mr Mohamed Usman a delegate from the united nation office regrade of your Fund,your name and your email address is
listed Three person to paid Win VICTIMS Compensation fund $4,500,000 million each and your Name and your mail address is listed approved to
pay the Compensation fund,Mr Roy Martin said you have sent them to claim the fund as next of kins of the fund and He forwarded us address
below to send the fund $4,500,000 million on your behalf to them? are you where of this person? or do you want person to claim your payment?
get back to us immediately to avoiding release your payment fund to wrong person.

Name..Mr Roy Martin
ADDRESS..1121 Odena RD Sylacauga,AL - Florida 35150
> Telepone..1-296-080-6501

Do you sent any person to claim your fund or not?i am writing to let you know if this is true or not.edited in this transfer is $4,500,000 million and is a huge amount of money and this man is getting us confusing on what he is saying.We wish to inform you that United Nation and the (ECOWAS) have instructed us to send you the sum of $4,500,000 million.from your winning VICTIMS Compensation fund,$5000 dollar will sent to you twice daily $10,000 dollar through Money Gram office as first collection of which you will be recovering every day until the total sum of $4,500,000 million is completely transfer to you.

This is the final notice you are going to receive the payment from Money Gram office,do you get me? I hope you understand how many times this message has been sent to you or are you not ready to receive your fund? Which have been mapped to your name today,moreover reconfirm your full information to the Money GRAM office to pick up your first payment of $5000 dollar daily without delay,Contact Money Gram Agent ( Mr Tony Brawn ): on this Tel:+: +2296934673017.

Kindly Contact Money Gram Agent:
( Mr Tony Brawn )
 Reply To This Email: ((( moneygramofiicce@gmail.com ))).
Tel:+: +2296934673017
Preferred Payment Method

As result of the information we got I told them to wait until I hear from you today or tomorrow,to know if you are still interested or not to receive this fund.lets release your full Reference of your $5000 installment once we confirm your information's as soon as you receive this message response.

YOUR FULL NAME:........
YOUR FULL CONTACT ADDRESS:.........
YOUR COUNTRY:.....................
YOUR MOBILE PHONE NUMBER:............
YOUR MARITAL STATUS AND AGE:.

IMF Agent
Mr Mohamed Usman.  


Of course, my character is supposed to respond that he's alive and wants his fund. 

*Wink snort guffaw*

But my character is not so minded...witness thus:


Yes, I did send other people to collect teh fund.  Yes I did, yes I
did, yes I did, and they thank you.

In fact, I turned it into a big game of Pokémon Go, ACOWSASS style.

I sent an invite to the first 10,000 respondents and challenged them

all to go for the fund...the first that gets there, gets it.  They must

of course run the Nigerian/Benin obstacle course successfully,

surviving dying widows, deposed princes, witch doctors, fine young

cannibals, Australian cruise line jobs, UK banks, Russian mail-order

brides, hacked ATM cards, flying minkeys and getting blamed for

Hellary's 2016 election loss.  The latter might be the biggest

challenge of all.  Or not.  It didn't hurt South Park. 

 

I have shared your email with one and all participants so if Roy Martin

or any of the other 9,999 participants show up to claim the fund, I am

hereby releasing the fund to them, how so many of them show up to

file the claim.

 

I hope you have operators standing by, programmed to receive.  They

can check out any time they like, but they can never leave.  

 

This led to some cornfusion on the part of the originating scammer:

 

 

You cannot do this you say you do!  

 

 

Y'wanna bet?  Vegas says I'm an 8-5 favorite on this one.  Do you feel lucky?  Well do you, punk?

 

The silence that followed was enough to convince my character that no, the punk didn't.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Hunt For Porkyman Whoa

My pet rock, Seymour, apparently misunderstands the Pokémon phenom.

He swears that people are using a phone app to hunt down porkymen.

Whoa.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think that my pet rock is taking a shot at me.

Pet rock *TOING*

I do believe Seymour IS dissing me.

Especially when Seymour showed me pictures of the 'porkymans' that he'd collected as part of the game:

Porky, yes...man...*BUZZZER*

...getting closer...

...yeah, I'd call that a porkyman...

...Seymour found hisself a whole bar of porkymans...

...most certainly a porkyman with a moron in the background...

...looks a bit more like a porkyhun...

...or a punkinman...'n spouse...

...then this looks like a hokeyone...

"I didn't put that there!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I think Seymour thinks I just ruined his game with that one.  Probably did.

Pokeyawn Phffft

The new internet app craze that leads people to walk into walls, trees, cars, each other...all in search of mythical pokemon thingees.

Track them, catch them, mix and match 'em, collect the whole set.

Clint Eastwood never had a better reason to demand the punks get off his lawn.

From what I hear, this Pokémon Go craze is leading people into places they're not necessarily needing or wanted to go in, all in search of their little pokemon characters, eggs, et al.

Of course, it's all harmless fun, this pokemon craze...

So what's it all about?  Well, a company came up with an app to allow iphone users to run all over the place and locate pokemon characters and 'catch' them.  A random few have put their lives on hold to catch all 400 plus pokemon thingees.  And have even written "how to" articles for novices.

Though my pet rock, Seymour, is still evading the law in Califorlornia, he's had time to give his geologic appraisal of Pokémon Go -- one elongated "PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!" out of a possible 5 -- and do a little creative editing of a "how to play" pokemon go story right here:


Tips for Pokemon Go Crap

A pet rock's first advice: play thermonuclear war with Matthew Broderick and Joshua; it'll save you around 8 miles a day, every day, in search of distant Pokémon.  

If you're trying to hatch eggs, leave it to a chicken.

If you just walk in little circles, the game won't accurately measure how far you've gone, and you'll have wasted your time and energy. Which is what you'll do regardless.

If you're trying to level up quickly, you want to focus on avoiding malevolent Pokemon that look like this:

If you're going to spend real money on Pokémon Go, Nigerian princes have a gold mine in Ghana, Ivory Coast and Burundi they want to sell you. If you're lucky, they'll have one in Newark too.

But above all else, the key is to avoid watching the Democrap National CONvention, so this might just be the thing to waste your time on. Hearing Hellary screech is worse than any noise a pokemon creature might make.

You may have to travel far and wide to find some of these pokemon thingees. For instance, some poor sot spent days being unable to find Douche Nozzle, a rare dragon-type Pokémon. Then a Russian dating scammer emailed him about a secret Douche Nozzle nest in Kiev, Ukraine, and within a day he'd been conned into sending the source $625 to receive a Douche Nozzle. Which he ain't got yet.

Pokemon addicts claim it also helps if you have a second phone you can borrow while you play. After one's wife and mistress left him because they were sick of all that Pokémon adventuring, he would use their phones he stole as a "radar" to make sure that he didn't miss any Pokémon appearances while he was in line at the welfare and unemployment offices.

Finally, here's a simple tip for the super dedicated: before Pokémon Go, South Park revealed how earlier Pokemon tried to brainwash the children of South Park to attack Pearl Harbor; it is believed that the developer is trying it again with this latest version of Pokémon Go.

Be careful with the areas in Pokémon Go where rare Pokémon appear; that's where the urge to attack Pearl Harbor is manifest. It also leads Mongolians to attack the city walls outside of South Park, which takes the proprietor of Sh*tty Wok Restaurant away from his business. So if you're having trouble with a rare Pokémon, and you're really fed up with it, whack the bastard with a fly swatter or something.

In short, Joshua summed it up best:  "a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play".


My pet rock won't make any friends in the crazed Pokémon community; then again, he won't 'run into' any of them, either.

Unless Pokémon makes Seymour one of the characters to be found.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"