Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
PETA At Their Breast
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Dear Skunky XVIII -- Goin' Green
Many of you never thought you'd hear me say something like this, but...for once, I found a reason to believe AlGore.
Yep. Dear Skunky is going green.
For this episode, anyway.
Dear Skunky has to be the luckiest odiferous critter on the face of the Oith. I won again. Another foreign lotto. Granted, if you read the winning certificate here, you'll see it's awarded by MSN Window Live Awards. However, it's being awarded to me from the United Kingdom. Eh...details, details. Anyway, to argue for it's authenticity, it's being awarded to me by a man of the cloth (pictured above): Rev. Mr. Phillipe Dalakis.
Cut from the same cloth as Rev. Jeremiah Wright I suspect, but I digress.
So here I sit, with yet another 650,000 in British pound sterling, whatever that works out to in 'Merican money. I tell you, this is getting embarrassing: pretty soon, I'm going to be accused of being a greedy, mean-spirited conservative, and the bastards will finally be sorta right. On scam paper, anyway.
But that's not what made me go green.
So I write back to Rev. Phillipe Dalakis (firstname.lastname@example.org), thanking him for the unexpected largess (I don't do squat with MSN.com, but that doesn't matter in Scamland), and inquiring how I go about getting what's coming to me.
The good Rev writes back, sending me two attachments (above is one of them), and informing me -- in very eloquent English, for a change, which makes for much easier, if boring, reading -- that I'll shortly be contacted by a "diplomatic courier service" that will require a copy of the two documents he send me, plus my international passport.
Hang in there, you envirowhackos; my going green is coming up.
A couple days later, I get an email from Mr. Richard Wilson, Dispatch Officer, for SPEED DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE LTD, 18 Friarsgate 1681 Stratford Road Solihull 890 4AG London UK email email@example.com Tel 44-7024083761. Therein, I am instructed with regards to the instruction given me by the Assistant Coordinator of the Msn and Windows live awards, regarding the claim of my winning prize of GBP 650,000, I hereby furnish you with my complete winning details for onward delivery of my prize/Claim documents.
Then I have to fill out my name, address, DOB, occupation, and telephone numbers (y'all have seen U. R. Phulovit's info enough times that a recap isn't needed here). And, of course, I am to forward to Mr. Wilson my passport, and copies of the two documents Rev Phillipe so carefully crafted for me (out of used toilet paper).
Being the kind of guy I am, and will soon be accused of being anyway, I do as bade.
Two days later, Mr. Wilson of the courier service is back to me with the great news that my winnings have been verified (of course), and that they are ready to ship to me. Now I have to decide how I want them shipped to me, and Mr. Wilson details out the options and related costs to use those options:
Express Class (24 hour delivery): cost of GBP 835.00
Regular Class (48 hour delivery): cost of GBP 650.00
Economy Class (96 hour delivery): cost of GBP 508.00
I have 24 hours to make my selection and notify the courier service of my choice, along with sending the selected fees via Western Union; and so that there be no misunderstanding, have it in mind that our delivery charges can not be deducted from your won prize.
Regardless of which selection I make, the shipment will be airfreighted to an international airport near you, and road transported thereafter to point of delivery.
So there you have it: I "win" money that should go to the downtrodden and les miserables; worse, I fuel "global warming" by the manner of delivery to me of my undeserved largess.
If ever there was a time to feign guilt like progressives demand I should feel, it's now. So I took a page out of Rev AlGore's Book of Climate Hokum (Random Nonsense House Publishers), and offered the courier service a more environmentally-friendly option of delivery:
Dear Speed Diplomatic Courier Company, Mr. Wilson representing,
I notice that all of the aforementioned delivery options have one commonality, and not a good one at that, according to the UN, Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio: they are BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
Having been well-indoctrinated by Rev AlGore of the Perpetually Phulovit Church of the EnvironMentals, I have taken an oath of living green, in not only words, but in deeds. With that clearly stated, I am going to ask you to make delivery to me as follows:
1. Plot as accurately as possible, the GPS coordinates between your location and my location.
2. Calculate upper level winds, gravitational pull, barometric pressure, and azimuth, down to the nearest possible isobar.
3. Load up my payment in a biodegradeable delivery cartridge.
4. Load that biodegradeable delivery cartridge on a giant pneumatic slingshot, aiming it using the aforementioned coordinates so meticulously plotted.
5. Advise me, the Audubon Society, NATO, NASA, and the Russians, when you're going to launch it (I don't want any migratory bird flocks decimated, or NATO/NASA to shoot it down, nor the Russians to think it's an attack on their still-withdrawing troops from Georgia).
6. Launch it after all necessary parties have been advised; I'll have a reinforced net out to catch it.
7. Cost: I believe the biodegradeable delivery cartridge costs GBP 29.95; the saving of the environment and avoidance of accidental migratory bird decimation or nuclear war, is priceless. Everybody wins.
Don't worry: I have used this environmentally-friendly delivery system before, to receive crustacean samples from Gibraltar, Naples and Lisbon. It works quite well, except for one overshot that wound up requiring three months' repair to the Vaduz Theatre of Crustacean Dance. You could say they overlobstered it *ducking boos and throwd cocktail sauce*.
Thanks for your environmental understanding and cooperation.
U. R. Phulovit
I must say, anyone with some semblance of working grey matter that read that, would let it go (the scam, not the cartridge). But someone on the udder end of this one had at least some level of reading (in)comprehension:
Mr. Phulovit, I have read all that you say is well understood of the contents. We cannot do as you ask that sounds strange to us. You must option for one of the three choices we offered you. Please to get back to us soonest within 24 hours.
LMAO....they read all I said and well understood the contents, eh? Oh YEAH? Well, let's try this:
I must beg to differ, and as one who knows of what he speaks. I have used this environmentally-friendly delivery system in my business here in Vaduz, and with one minor exception, it has worked most efficiently, with zero carbon footprint to the environment. I have had samples sent to me via this method from Naples, Lisbon, and Gibraltar. The only exception was a slight GPS miscalculation on the shipper's part, and the delivery overshot a tad, requiring six months' worth of repair to the Vaduz Animated Crustacean Theatre and Ballet building in downtown Vaduz.
If you care about the environment and want to avoid running afoul of Al Gore, you will use my system of delivery, and without delay. Global Climate Change is in your hands!
That reply, as one will see, doesn't quite clear the cobwebs for Mr. Wilson, but it starts to:
Mr. Phulovit...we have read carefully your reply and understand all that you have said. Are you trying to be funny with us? Clarify at once, we are a serious business here and you must decide now the option you choose from those and only those we give.
I don't think it'll take much more to open some eyes, but what the horsefeathers:
Mr. Speedy Wilson:
WTF? Can't you think and reason outside the box? The delivery option I have given you is tried and true; it works. So don't blame the system if you're no good. And what is up with these negative waves? Oh man, don 't hit me with those negative waves so early in the morning. Think my option will work, and it will work. It's a mother BEAUTIFUL option, and it's going to work. Don't you care about polar bears, antarctic penguin dung beetles, or are you one who WANTS to extend beach front property a hundred miles inland?
It's my way or the highway, bub. Get that GPS programmed and load the cartridge in the launcher NOW. Time's a wastin'. And don't forget to notify me, NATO, NASA, and the Russkies, so's to avoid a little pre-renewal of the post-Cold War by sending something up that posts a quick orbital profile that freaks people out. You'll not help cut down global warming by creating a weather forecast of wide-spread "cloudy and 12,000 degrees", dude.
As I suspected, that one did it:
Mr. Richard Wilson, Dispatch Officer, SPEED DIPLOMATIC COURIER COMPANY
MR. PHULOVIT, WHAT THE F*** IS THIS SH**? IF YOU WANT TO BE FUNNY, DO IT ON SOMEONE ELSES TIME!!! YOU ARE IDIOT!!!
Sadly, I had to agree with Mr. Wilson:
Mr. Wilson and Speed Folks,
You're right, of course: AlGore doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground about global warming. It was silly of me to waste time and effort to go green on a fraudulent premise. But there is still a method of delivery that will be more environmentally friendly than the one you originally recommended, so this effort to be funny isn't a total waste just yet: take the delivery, and shove it up your a** sideways. Better for all involved, and better for the environment, other than within your immediate proximity. Issue ear plugs to your staff; you're gonna be LOUD and OBNOXIOUS during the insertion phase.
The silence that followed suggests that I'm not going to get my GBP 650,000. And I heard all those *sighs* of disappointment that I'm not really going green.
PUH-LEASE....I'm allegedly a mean-spirited conservative, remember?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Dear Skunky XVII -- Russian Bride & Waitress
Monday, September 15, 2008
If The Suit Fits
Friday, September 12, 2008
Politics, Skunk Style
A fellow blogger recently and good-naturedly chided me for my decidely 'conservative' leanings. After a bit of good-natured kidding back and forth, I decided to follow the advice of a local radio talkshow host who often says that "before you tell where you sit, you should tell where you stand", or words to that effect. So, here's from whenst the ol' Skunk cometh (and makes no apologies for):
I am registered unaffiliated. The only party affiliation I've had since 1999 is a parody: the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party, a parody party I ran as a parody candidate for President of (in '00, '04, but didn't continue in '08, out of boredom widdit).
My family history is at least four generations Republican: my great grandfather was appointed to the Commerce Department by then-President Calvin Coolidge; he was retained by President Hoover. Of no great surprise, he was fired after the inauguration of FDR. Up to then, he had little to do with or good to say about Democrats; thereafter, he had even less.
It didn't matter that this is the way the game was and is still played. Not to him.
My grandfather was a columnist and poet for, at one time, the Des Moines (IA) Register; during the second FDR administration, he wrote a couple columns critical of FDR's 'New Deal'; he was fired for his opinions. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to grasp where he stood on Democrats after that.
We can debate which party covertly supports political "censorship" another time.
My parents were very active in the state Republican Party in Iowa, leading up to and through the 1968 election cycle. While proud of seeing many of the state offices in Iowa filled by Republicans in '68, they would later be mortified by Nixon and Watergate.
As for me, I grew up Republican; until the very early 1990s, I was so-registered. I was and remain proud, to have voted for Ronald Reagan. In '92, I briefly switched to Democrat registration (they had a much more interesting primary then; I voted for Tsongas). In an eleventh hour decision at crunch time -- in the voting booth in November '92 -- I crossed both fingers, bit my lip, closed my eyes, and voted for...Bill Clinton. Then, I bought the "change" bill of goods from a "new Democrat". Less than 11 months later, I was as mortified with the lie I'd fallen for, as my parents had been in '74.
Despite the current crop of what I call party-leading "Democraps", I do not hold that all Democrats are bad; I thought the Scoop Jackson/Sam Nunn/Zell Miller brand of 'fire and brimstone' Democrat was a respectable power that didn't sell out national defense in order to please the Daily Kos/Moron.org wing of their party. I can't stomach or say much good about the Howard Dean/Nancy Pelosi/Harry Reid/Michael Moore/Hollywood branch of the Democraps of today.
I returned to Republican Party affiliation until '99, when I decided to experiment, and listed myself as unaffiliated. It worked: I started getting attention from both parties as a 'swing' voter. And I was hardly a 'swinger' (just ask my ex-fiancee, but I digress).
Philosophically however, I remain more conservative than not: I'm for smaller, less intrusive government, lower taxes, capital punishment, national defense, immigration reform, the war on terror, self-responsibility and self-accountability. I think school vouchers are a viable option in today's faltering, bureaucracy-heavy public school system. I'd like to see more welfare reform, not less; building a dependent class isn't my idea of helping anyone but liberal bureaucrats (aka, tits on a boar) who don't want to have to work for a living.
I am, however, not what other conservatives would call staunch: I don't support an all-out ban on abortion (just irresponsible and gratuitous ones at taxpayers' expense); I don't support mandating prayer in schools (nor do I support banning all forms/mentions of Christian religion, either), or a flag burning amendment to the US Constitution (free speech is not only supposed to be protected; allowing a moron to show the world he/she is a moron by burning a US flag should be allowed, so we are cognizant of the morons in our midst). I don't consider the Bill of Rights something to be gratuitously laden with a lot of added fluff that is already constitutionally addressed (which is occasionally forgotten by some activist judges). And while I approve of the legal right to keep and bear arms by law-abiding citizens -- recently affirmed by the US Supreme Court -- I condemn the NRA when it comes to allowing the sale to the public of assault rifles and armor-piercing ammo; I was a police reserve officer when this controversy was hot, and was furious with the NRA over their thoughtless stance of negating my body armor to win a political argument.
Now a word about our current president: I wasn't wild about Dubya in '00; I felt the media talked him up because they felt he would be easy meat for Gore at election time (look at media coverage of Dubya pre-primaries in '99-early '00). But I was less wild about the ever-changing face of AlGore. I remained cautious of Dubya until he became President Bush in my eyes in the wake of September 11, 2001; wherever else he may have fallen short since (on the immigration debate, among other things), I've supported a president who had the courage to say what made the appeasers and the apologists apoplectic, and has thus far stood by those words. Granted, not everything has gone well in the war on terror. Not everything goes well in war, period. Even during the "instant gratification" Gulf War I, things went wrong (like incidents of friendly fire). War's a messy business, and not one to be taken lightly.
And yes, I speak as one who has only read of war, and not wallowed in the mud, staring death and destruction in the face. Thanks to the men and women who have on our behalf, I had the option not to. I owe them a debt of gratitude that can never be paid in full. We all do, and always will. Those who call our military "baby killers" and demean them, are contemptible trash, and nothing else in my book. Willie Nelson's heros have always been cowboys; mine were, are, and remain the US Military, police and firefighters.
Yet, all I hear from his opponents are attacks -- largely void of fact and heavy with hypocrisy that is easily proven from public statements by these same liberal champions of the previous administration -- with no viable, credible alternatives offered up. None. Zip. Nada.
And yes, I've already heard that if I don't support Obama, I'm racist. That abysmally void-of-intellect statement -- coming largely from the ignorance-based, ill-educated Leftist school of Race-baiting and Intimidation -- tells me all about liberalism in today's Democratic Party that I need to know, so far as casting a vote for them goes.
Back to the war issue for a moment. My thoughts on cut and run are simple: it's appeasement. And what does appeasement beget? For Neville Chamberlain and Eduard Daladier, it beget the Munich Accord for Adolph Hitler. And it guaranteed the onset of the very thing Chamberlain and Daladier sought to avoid, by selling out a valiant ally for their own self-interests: World War II. If 50 million dead world-wide doesn't convince you about the abysmal failure of appeasement, then nothing ever will. If you really think you can appease Al Qaida, their brethren in Hamas and Hezbollah, or their benefactors in Iran and Syria, by cutting and running, or selling out Israel....you're every bit as blissfully ignorant and shortsighted -- if not downright stupid -- as Chamberlain and Daladier were at a critical time in European and world history. And you will guarantee more human suffering, and millions more dead civilians, including Americans, in the times to come.
Human history has a helluva track record, for anyone who cares to educate themselves on human primal urges, and where the weaker have been gobbled up by the stronger. Now, I'm all for universal peace and enlightenment: and when the lowest common denominator in human primal urges is supplanted by the wisdom of the ages, causing that wisdom to be world-wide and truly universal, then I'll feel comfortable in spending not a penny more on defense. But until there are no Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot or Saddam Hussein wannabes, and until there are no more Osama bin Ladens, Ahmadineijads, Kim Il Sungs, and Vladimir Putins et al, we are so NOT there, kids. As long as there are bullies, one can be a sheep for bullies to feed on, or a pillar of strength that bullies won't test. Like it or not, no matter how corny you find the following, freedom isn't free. American history should be, in and of itself, enough to prove that, if world history is too much for you to digest.
At the same time, I don't give a pass to some folks on the far Right (beyond the Christian Right): there's plenty enough blind stupidity, hatred, and useless hardheadedness on that side of the aisle, too.
So it is left to us -- the greater mass in the Middle -- to use reason, common sense, and rational give-and-take, to try to find answers to the questions that neither the far Left nor the far Right will seek to find common ground on. God help us the day that the great majority between the Right and Left leave one or the other to do all our speaking, thinking and legislating. That day will mark the end of our constitutional republic, and the end of the freedoms we've come to cherish so.
So there you have it. If you had any question as to from where the Skunk is coming from, consider them somewhat answered now. As for the just-completed DNC and RNC conventions, two things are clear: the RNC had better food (celery sticks vs beer-batter fried walleye? You lose, DNC, and in the eyes of many of your own). And my vote is now set: I'm voting for Paris Hilton; not only is her energy plan a good balance, but she's hot.
At any rate, despite how ol' Skunk sees things, my blog pal might still put up with me, anyway (at least she has since '04, even knowing that she's a Hillary supporter and I ain't).
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Upstooging A Scammer -- III
Your lawyer refused to come to Benin City not until our conservations through the phone. I told him he should come and let me show him some form and give him some key word that he will use in the meeting date, which is promise to come maybe tonight if the payment is made. He wants assurance he travel five hours to Benin City for not nothing of a journey.
Now Curly decides to drag a little Wizard of Oz into the proceedings:
I am not understanding. I pay the aturkey that you recommend so highly to me the money he demands, and how he doesn't want to come to the Benin City? All he has to do is follow the yellow prick road. Follow the yellow prick road. Follow the yellow prick road. Follow follow follow follow follow the yellow prick road. Follow it to the Benin City, where he will meets with the great Wizard of Odds, who can make all things come to pass. He can even raise me from the dead. Tell him to seek out the great Wizard of Odds. But he must be careful on the yellow prick road: the Wicked Witch of the Highlands, her and her flying monkeys with terrible gas, and her carnivorous apple trees, with which she is capable of making such mischief with. Bitch. Tell him I have wired his money through the greatest of difficulties, and he must embark at once. The Wizard of Odds waits for no man, Jablonski. I'm pushing on to the Rhine (I couldn't resist inserting a line from Kelley's Heroes, knowing full well it'll go nyahhhhh right over these two dolts). Tell him to be off!
A full day passes, and then I get this from the slowly-awakening Oh Henry:
Are you into some kind of joke or game with me? I am already in Benin City to represent you and no paymet has been met. I asked for the teller of the money transfer and you didn't send that. I can't even track the money online. Where did you get this MTCN number from 4377016996? Not even your name on it. Is this what you call a progressive business? Send me the teller of the transfer in 5 hours time. All the money payment info was fake and there will be nothing to procede. I need the teller, your full name and the right informations on how you send the money. I am disappoint in you as a client but I still have your job here for 5 more hours.
Time to see how Oh Henry feels about...the spirit woild:
A joke? In my heyday, jokes were my life. Game? Nobody loved games more than me. But today, I'm a shell of my former self. Fact is, Oh Henry...I'm a corpse. I died in 1952. I forward to you a photo of my tombstone at my current address of 4334 Whittier Blvd, Los Angeles California: The Home of Peace Memorial Park Cemetery/Mausoleum. Here is where I am buried (I attached a photo of Curly's head stone for Oh Henry's mortification).
How, you ask, did I become involved in this? First, thanks to the burying of a fiber optic cable in close proximity to my final resting place -- coupled with technology on my side of the spectral plane, called ITC -- I was able to be contacted by your partner via the internet. Inadvertently, on his part. I was amused by his offer to give me the business. But my years of comedic antics died harder than I did. He gave me a chance to relive my heyday. One I soitenly seized upon.
Yes, I sent you money via Western Union. But I used the Western Union branch located on the 3rd Astral Plane. In order for you to cash it, you'll have to visit that branch. To do so, you'll have to be like me. Dead. Long as you are rooted in the physical plane beneath the 3rd Astral, you are as far removed from the money I sent, as if I had sent it to the Moon. Though, Ralph Kramden is standing here, offering to send you there if you wish...*BANG...ZOOM!* He's still funny...nyuk nyuk nyuk.
I hope you enjoyed your trip to Benin City. Now that you find the Wizard of Odds is not all-powerful, you find that you have, within you, the power to return yourself home. Just tap your ruby red slippered heels together three times and say, "lift that barge, tow that weight, ZOOT!", and I guarantee you'll find others looking at you really funny.
By the way, would you contact my cemetery and tell them to mow the grass? It's starting to tickle. J. Curly Howard
I never again hear a peep from Mr. Gbenga; but Oh Henry isn't willing to let it go just yet:
Thanks alot. You waste my time and my money. This story of yours i do not buy. you are fool. I have telled Gbenga about you. go to hell.
Then on September 3, I get this from Oh Henry:
You are lucky that you are already dead. My friends help you otherwise. Be wise no be course. Dead and living have nothing in common.
Since he's not willing to let it lie..*TOING*..neither am I:
Oh Henry, Of course I'm lucky. I play poker with my brothers, and characters like Einstein, Newton, Edison and Darwin. Darwin should concern you in particular. And weekends, I get to go dancing with Princess Grace and Princess Diana, among others. Afterlife on the 3rd Astral Plane is a gas. Where you'll wind up, it's a touch hotter, but them's the breaks for the choice you makes nyuk nyuk nyuk. If you want to be scary, you need a whole lotta work, sonny. Right now, you're an earth-bound mugu, and a pretty pathetic one at that. J. Curly Howard
Either Oh Henry has finally wearied of this, or something about the subject matter has tweaked him, as his last email suggests:
Let go off me please...you are a dead man but i can still bring you back to life? if you have some skills to show please let me be!! i am just new in job and you fucked me up and dont even want me to make a next step..i am still novice ok. i am sorry just keep off my way cos i have a soul i fear for. i am not what you think cos i am in this dirthy stuff...just let go off me!!!
Real or an act on his part, I decide to keep up the "skeer" on 'em:
Oh nooooooooo....once you consciously decide to cross to the Dark Shadows, you tap into the evil denizens of the spirit woild, too....once you've summoned them, they come back again and again and again. My neer-do-well friends are now your shadow, and will forever after be your shadow, long as you partake in the "dirthy stuff" you're in. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!!!! Or maybe this will sound more scary...MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Act or not, Oh Henry sends a last plea: STOP IT! NO LIKE THIS JOKE! STOP!!!
LOL...if I were a nice guy, I'd say the point was made and that'd be that. But I ain't:
Once you tap into the negative energy of the dark side, Luke, we never stop. Like a psychotic Energizer Bunny, we'll be back.
Oh Henry is either truly tweaked out, or...:
PLEESE! YOU BRING DARKNESS ON FAMILY! I BEG OFF TO YOU TO STOP! YOU DESTROY MY LIFE!
Yawp...that was the ideer:
Darkness on family? Destroy your life? Yeah, so? You expected less when you chose the Dark Side, Luke? I am your shadow forever. Nyuk nyuk nyuk. Hey Moe, look that Oh Henry here!
Not a nuddah woid since. The "spirit" of Curly it seems has sent Oh Henry scampering in a flurry of "whoob whoob whoobs" and "nyahh nyah nyahhhh"s. And all without a single *eye poke*.
See that? *BONK* ow! Hey, Moe!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Upstooging A Scammer -- II
I have waited long for your email. Well i am MR Henry working with deferent companies here in Africa. i am very much busy with a lot of work in my hands but i can not turn a friend MR Gbenga down if he need my help because i have come along way with there company and also introduced me to a lot of company.
MR Howard, I will love to have all the detales from the start up line up to the memoradun of understanding, all that you have recieved and all that you have sent to the company to enable me to make a file and used it on the meeting date. my work will cost you $6,000 but a half payment of $3,000 will be paid first, then after my job the rest balance will be paid. I need half payment to enable me runs around pack up a file and my time taking. i will send you my informations on how the payment will be made. please i will work with time and I don't like anything slow because i believe on a time factor. MR. B. Henry
Note that I warned you the puns wouldn't get any more original or better:
I understand the need for speed, Oh Henry. The business I'm in can only move so fast, and puts people in the hole. Thus it is for you to provide me with details so that I can dig right in and make no bones about it. The skeletal information you've given me leaves me buried in anticipation for more. And I will send you all that I have corresponded with Gbenga.
A couple days pass, and then I get this from Oh Henry:
There is no good business with out a good understanding, now I have a file and the instrument to use as a repesentative. you have done well as a good client. The entire original document will be under my care it will take me a five hours drive to Benin City were the meeting will be hold but I can always take a flighty (biting my tongue real hard hyar). Mr. Howard your jobe will be handle property but you will need to make a half payment $3,000usd to enable me to start immediately(whch i have already started already) . Thanks for the job offer.
More bad puns:
$3,000 usd? Raising money here is like raising the dead in my current circumstances. But I will do what I can to dig up such an amount of cash. If I can raise it, to where is it sent and to whom?
Before Oh Henry can answer me that, I get this from Gbenga:
I have called the lawyer and he told me that he has already on with the job. More documents will be givein out to him on the 1st of next month (September) on our meeting date. What ever you need from me always ask me and I promise you all the updating informations.
I'll prod the lawyer and Gbenga with this reply:
B.O. Henry has told me about a fee he needs me to pay in half excrements, but hasn't as yet told me where and how to send it. I must say that I am dead in the water or any other substance until this is rectified. I have inquired of him about this, of corpse, so I expect he'll stiffen my resolve with the right information soon. Now excuse me, I've had a long day and I am absolutely dead here.
I warned you about the puns...Gbenga gets back to me the next day with a paragraph of more gibberish:
All the discussion has is through the phone with your lawyer. a faithful day of the meeting, which will take place on the first of next month (two days hence) and some document will be file out to him as a representate not through the internet. Arrangement file has already be prepare and will be relies to your laywer in the meeting.
Er...what he said. Finally on August 31, B.O. Henry gets back to me about the fees:
Use this informations to send the money through western union money transfers to enable my secretary pick it up:
Name: Paul Efe
City: Lagos, Nigeria
After you most have finish with the payment, send me the control number and the text question and answer. I will be leaving Lagos to Benin first thing tomorrow mornings. my finle arrrangment is in odor now.
I help him believe all is in "odor" here too:
It has cost me much rigor and mortis to raise the funds you require, but it is done in the dead of night and I have the $3,000 usd you request. I will notify you in the morning about my wiring information. Things are like a morgue here now; earlier there was a party, with condiments like cadavair and games like formaldehyde and seek. All it all, it was quite spirited. So tomorrow, I will send you details.
For some reason, Gbenga seems to feel I need some positive reinforcement, so he sends me this:
Everything will be fine because you are with the best lawyer so far and well know to our company.
Somewhat punned out, I don't bother with a reply until the next day, and I sent it jointly to Gbenga and Oh Henry:
Here is the payment info you have requested:
Amount sent: $3,000 usd
Sent via: Western Union
Sent to: Paul Efe
Test Question: See that
Test Answer: Bonk ow
Taking my grave responsibilities dead serious, I mustered my skeletal resources to get this deal signed, sealed, and planted. It's all up to you now.
In closing Part III...it starts getting really weird. Nyuk nyuk nyuk...*BONK*..OH!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Upstooging A Scammer
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Coffee Barf -- III: Son Of Starbucks
About as much as common sense has in common with the phone call transcripts you're about to read.
As I said, I didn't know for sure who was calling; I just knew that telemarketers aren't generally prone to calling thrice in rapid succession. So on the odd chance that it was hisself, Mr. Dean John of Costa Coffee, I took a deep breath and a page from Telephone Improv 101, answering in my best Ozark redneck voice:
Me: *taking a moment to listen to the connection, which sounds tinny and odd*..H..H..hallo?
DJ: *moment of hesitation*...Manes....
Me: Uh yawp...who're yew?
DJ: *garbled*...Costa Coffee...you understand to me?
Me: Uh yawp...who're yew?
DJ: *hesitation*...this is Mr. Dean John...Costa Coffee. I must speak to you about Western Union information..
Me: Uh yawp...who're yew?
DJ: *hesitation, then sounds like he's talking to someone there with him*...*then speaks to me in louder voice*...this is Mr. Dean John. Dean John. You hear? I want to know about Western Union..
Me: Uh yawp..wahl, I dunno bout Western Union. Call 'em an' ask them about them. Who're yew?
DJ: *something indistinguishable*...I am DEAN JOHN! You must tell me about Western Union you send..
Me: Ohhhh, yore Mr. Dean John? My employer?
DJ: Yes, Manes..please give me more information about Western Union..
Me: Wahl, they been in business fer quite a spell, I reckon...
DJ: *something indistinguishable in background*...Manes, can you hear me?
Me: Uh yawp...who're yew?
DJ: I AM DEAN JOHN! I want you tell me about Western Union transaction..
Me: Oh, that thang? Hang on and let me git the paper hyar..
*Click* as I deliberately hang up on him.
A minute goes by, then *ringing phone*, and the same "Unknown Name, Unknown Number". Game on again:
DJ: *tinny echo sounds*...Manes, are you there?
Me: Uh yawp...who're yew?
DJ: *something blunt and annoyed sounding*...I am Dean John, can't you hear me?
Me: Uh yawp...who're yew?
DJ: I AM DEAN JOHN! CUT THIS OUT NOW AND TELL ME..
Me: Uh, feller...no need ta yell hyar...I kin hear yew fine.
DJ: Manes, I must have Western Union information..
Me: What information?
DJ: *speaks slowly to me now*..HOW...MUCH...MONEY...DID YOU SEND?
Me: Oh, the money...wahl...all there wuz, after my cut...I do thank ye fer it.
DJ: But HOW MUCH IS ON RECEIPT? WHAT IS AMOUNT?
Me: A bunch, less my 10 purscent. That all ye want now? I gotsta pee bad...
DJ: Manes...I need test question you use...
Me: Text question? I gotsta pee hyar...
DJ: MANES! I NEED TEST QUESTION NOW!
Me: Ohhhhhhhhh, that thang...lemme cross me legs and remember what I writ..
DJ: Yes, please! I need it to..
Me: Wahl, okay...if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, why is ram in the ass a goose?
DJ: *dead silence, then noise in background and someone else saying something in background*
Me: I know it's a toughie, but ah cain't wait long...gotsta pee hyar..
DJ: But what was test answer you use?
Me: Oh, I cain't tell you that, John...you hafta guess it..
DJ: *not sure*...NOW LISTEN TO ME MANES...I NEED THIS...
Me: Now feller, why would they call it a test question, if you weren't being tested fer the answer? If I give it to you, you give it to your friends, and then we'll never know who gits the money, y'unnderstand what I'm saying hyar?
DJ: Manes...Manes, this is not funny business..
Me: Uh, yawp...who're yew?
DJ: *noise and chatter in background*..MANES..
Me: Uh, yawp...who're yew?
DJ: *yelling now* MANES, STOP THIS..
Me: Uh yawp...ah cain't cross mah legs no more hyar, feller...who're yew?
DJ: MANES! I DEMAND YOU STOP THIS..
Me: Wahl, why din' ya say so? Bub-bye!
*click* (from my end)
In less than a minute, the phone rings yet again...
DJ: MANES! ARE YOU THERE?
Me: Uh yawp...who're yew?
DJ: MANES, THIS IS NO LAUGHING BUSINESS..
Me: Uh yawp...haw haw haw..yep, yer right...tain't laughin' hyar...who're yew?
Me: Whar's Manes? Oh, that's me...silly feller. Who're yew?
DJ: *something exasperated-sounding, followed by a click and dial tone*
My phone rings no more. Like Son of Cheesburger a couple-three decades before, Son of Starbucks annoys to the point of no more calls. Like I said, I wish I could have recorded it; I think the actual version was funnier than the one I recalled from memory.
I wait an hour, and then find this email from his thoroughly riled self:
I DON'T FIND YOU FUNNY AT ALL. NOW THIS IS BUSINESS AND YOU GET ME THE ANSWERS I ASK FOR NOW! HOW MUCH WAS AMOUNT YOU SENT WESTERN UNION AND WHAT WAS THE TEST QUESTION AND ANSWER YOU USED. SEND IT TO ME NOW AND NO MORE GAME.
But I like this game:
MR. DEAN WITH A DUNNY ATTACHED, BUT I LIKE GAMES. GAMES ARE FUN. GAMES ALLOW THE INNER CHILD IN EVERY ADULT TO GET SILLY, JUMP ON THE BED, GIVE YOUR LITTLE BROTHER A WEDGIE, SET YOUR SISTER'S BARBIE DOLL'S HAIR ON FIRE, AND MAKE THINGS ONLY ADULTS UNDERSTAND WITH PLAYDOH. But I digress.
The amount of money I sent was all there was after my 10%. And I gave you the test question. You have to give me the test answer. If you don't, you don't get to collect your money. Neener neener boo boo.
The next morning, Dean John has had enough of this yokel soundin' feller:
MANES YOU ARE FAKE! YOU SEND NO MONEY. YOU NOT RECEIVE MONEY ORDER OR YOU KNOW AMOUNT! U ARE A BIGGGGGG FOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LIKE ALL AMERICAN!
Sadly for him, on the day he sends me this, I receive the money orders. All four of them. So I scan them in to my system, and attach them to this reply:
Mr. Dean named after a dunny,
I think you'll find when you closely examine the attachment(s), the four money orders your dingbat accomplice Eugene Kline sent to me. Yes, I have them. No, I didn't send you any money. But it was sure fun listening to you shriek and rant about it. It was even funnier recording those three phone calls (okay, so I lied again..but HE don't know that), so I can share them online, along with a copy of all of our communications.
See, Dean named for a dunny, I knew you were a scam from the beginning. I dissed you as U. R. Phulovit, the first time you wrote to me. And you told me not to *writ* to you again. So I did. As Myra Manes. And you bit like a sucker fish on a worm.
So I have your fake money orders. And your phone calls. And your emails. And I'm going publish them all on the world wide web, so ANYONE CAN READ ABOUT HOW MUCH BIGGER A BENIN MUUUUGGGGGGUUUUUUUU YOU ARE!!!!! WHO'RE YEW? THE BIGGEST MUUUUGGGGGUUUUUUUU IN BENIN!!!!!!!!
Thanks for playing, Dean named for an outhouse. I shall display with pride the bogus money orders your flunky sent to the address I borrowed. You are so STUPID!
Thank you for being so STUPID! Oh, and just for the record...Costa Coffee sucks rocks, but not half as bad as you're STUPID!
U. R. Phulovit as Myra Manes
Now that I got my trophy from a genuine stupid mugu, I'll go back to following the tried and true rules of the scambaiter road.
For now. After all, who knows when an even better Son of Scambaiter opportunity might come along?