Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Loan Shahk

Online loan companies aren't a dime a dozen; they cost more than that.

But the vast majority of them ain't worth the dime.

I received the following 'quick' loan offer from a company that I'm sure you'll recognize as being 'quick' with the offer, and even quicker with the scam:

Do you need an urgent loan?
Phone number:

The email was sent by "Kruse Services" with an email of krusefastloans@gmail.com.

Of course, when you receive one of these in an unsolicited email that is addressed to you as "undisclosed recipients", you're all over jumping right on it, aren't you?

You are if you're the kind of mugu they're counting on you to be.

Well...I revamped their rather concise loan offer email a bit in order to give it some pizzazz.  For instance:

From: Kruse Services krusefastloans@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2012 12:10 PM
Subject: Yowza
Do you need an urgent loan?  Don't we all?  Well here at Kruse Fast Loans, we don't loan money.  Hell, anyone can do that.  No, here at Kruse Fast Loans, we loan things that are unique, unusual, and not so much thought of as loanable. 
For instance, have you ever had need of borrowing a fruitcake, so that no one will get you one during the holidays, because you're still working off the one that's been handed down from generation to generation, back to the time of Nero?  We can loan you that fruitcake.
Need a platypus testicle for a scavenger hunt?  A piranha genital that eats whatever it gets near?  A laminated and handsomely mounted 65 million year old dropping from a pterydactyl?  A stuffed turkey that can do the macarena?  A telephone that farts as its ring tone?  An African gray parrot that curses in 180 languages and answers phones?  An authentic replica of Hugo Chavez' prostate (which strangely resembles Danny Glover)?  An authentic Japanese kamikaze parachute, never opened? 
No request is too peculiar here at Kruse Fast Loans.  Just try us:
What You Want To Borrow:
Why You Want Borrow It:
For How Long:
In 100 Words Or Less, Tell Us How You Plan To Use it:
*Note:  If Your Use Is Adjudged To Be 'Kinky', You May Have 5000 Additional Words To Explain It In Very Great Detail:
Phone number:
Email us at  krusefastloans@gmail.com  and we'll get back to you soonerest!

I don't know how many of the 100 or so scammers I copied on the email responded to the offer, but the email originator didn't seem to appreciate my efforts on his behalf:

i dont apprecate this 

Oh I don't know...I rather thought I helped your loan appreciation with some colorful oomph to your presentation.  It pretty well sucked, you know?

At any rate, his depreciation of my improvement to his email offer resulted in no further communications from Kruse Services.

And I so wanted to see about borrowing a piranha genital, to see if it would eat the leftovers marauding in my 'fridge... 

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Saturday, January 26, 2013

The Camel Mile

It's one that I seriously doubt Dr. Abu Salam will ever again consider walking, after experiencing one of my edits of his scam email.

Oh, it started out simply enough:  another 'banker' from Burkina Faso, having found untapped millions in his branch of the Bank of Africa, wanted my "confidential and secret" help to exploit.

At my expense, of course.

Well, with a name like "Abu Salam", I dipped into the "off-the-wall" corner of my editing files, and came up with something that the good doctor will never forget...if he was ever able to understand it in the first place:

From: Abu Salam <abusalam228@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, January 21, 2013 12:56 AM

Dear friend,

I know that this message will come to you as a surprise; and you think to yourself, "wait, it's not my birthday or anything like that!".  Well, Ferretlips, it ain't that kind of surprise.
I am Dr.Abu Salam.  I go by Abu.  My friends call me 'Gesundheit'.  They are such smart asses.
I run a camel rebushing business here in Burkina Faso, the capital city of Ouagadougou, which next to nobody can pronounce without spitting.

I hoped that you will not expose yourself to my camels.  They are so impressionable.   I need your urgent assistance in shipping to me 10,000 rebushed camel assholes.  I have many contracts to refush camels across the Middle East, and those perverts that use camels instead of women, well....they just wear out camels at an astonishing rate.  My business is almost overwhelming.
I don't want the rebushed camel butts to go via the various Custom Houses in the Middle East; they won't arrive to me virgin if left to middlemen of the middle east.  See what I just did there?  It's nothing compared to what they'll do there.  Ask any camel you happen to see...how'd you get rebushed, Abu Salam, that's meeee....I use that in my ads locally here on Al Gezeera.  Pretty catchy, eh?
Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not upon receipt of your reply; certain islamists hereabouts will hijack my rebushed camel butts and violate them so that I have to start all over again.  This makes not good business, you see.
Finally send your photo or your international passports for more identification.

Best Regards,
Dr.Abu Salam
Abu Salam's Camel Rebushing, Inc.
"We'll Put New Ommph In Your Camel's Toosh -- Guaranteed!"
The 100 or so recipients of the edit were not moved by the eloquence or snappy advertising jingle.   Initially, neither was Dr. Salam, who apparently didn't read a word of what I dun to his email, Ma:
you not say if interest in my proposal.  if yes please to send me your photo or international passports please.
So I gave him a second chance:
If you read carefully and note the contents therein well, you will have your answer asto my interest in your proposal.  You do that and THEN ask me for a photo and we'll see.
It took a couple days, but he -- or his handlers -- finally read what I dun to his email, Ma:
blasphemy.  do not writed again.
What a pity.  I had such a good photo all set to send him.  In fact, it was soooo good, I went ahead and sent it anyway:
Since you wanted a photo of me, the least I can do is send you one.  Whaddaya think?  Am I blasphemous enough?
I will apparently never know if I was blasphemous enough.  But I think maybe so  ;-)

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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Post Yukdum

Yes, there is a reason for the picture of one of the ugliest dawgs on the planet h'yar.  Won't take you long to understand why, either.

Now that I'm recovering from having caught the creeping crud for 2013, I noted my email scammers had apparently missed my editing acumen:  I had more than 20 of them lined up in one account, and 12 more in another, awaiting my wisdom.


The one that 'won' my editing acumen early on was Dr. Raymond Chi'en Kuo Fung, claiming to be with Heng Seng Bank in Hong Kong.

After reading what I dun to his email, I think he's regretting having 'won'.

Now, perhaps some of the 'illness delirium' that comes with the creeping crud, managed to find its way into my edit.  I'll let you readers decide that:

From: HANG SENG FUKDUMGOOD BANK <info@yahoo.com.hk>
Sent: Tuesday, January 15, 2013 8:02 AM
Dear Friend.

I am sure you will be apprehensive/Skeptical about my Email due to the Level of Scams going on in the Internet in recent times.  But after you read my email, I sure you satisfied, yes?  My Name is Dr Raymond CH'IEN Kuo Fung Fukdumgood, I am the executive Chairman Of Hang Seng Fukdumgood Bank Of Hung-Dung-Ding-Dong, and I are off to see the Wizard, the meth-ity Wizard of Ozth, the wizziest wizard of Ozth if ever a wizz there wuz.
You forrow me so far?

There is the sum of $550, in my bank.  On paper, that is.  In actuality -- I am telled that this is word -- we have that amount in West African francs, which are worth....not much of anything, after you rinse them off from having been used as substitute toilet paper in some places.  That is why I am asking that you be my partner and we work together as partners so as to have the sum transferred out of my bank into the blind trust account of an animated cartoon chicken that repeats hisself in a southern American dialect.   

Foghound Leghump is, I think, his name.  I think, you see.
Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue because there are many of the unscrupulous types in our world, and so too many of thems winds up on the internet with email accounts.  And as we can surmise this to be sure, some will send emails out with stuffed like this writed all over their emails, yes?  But of course, my email is 100% inauthentic, on this you are counted!  So...once the funds is get transported, we shall then share in the ratio of 600% for me, 4% for you. My Personal Email Address Is: drraymondchienkuofung111@gmail.com
I think you will not to quizzle with my meth skills, yes?  Please if you are interested to be my partner in this project I need you to reply me back.  Now I knowz what you're thinking and yes, if you simply emails me "Me Back", I will laugh -- it is to laugh -- but then we must get down to get seriousness in this business, you seas.  I cannot contact you with my official email-address because it is been monitored by my wife's Mandurin Sumo poodle, Wun Dum Fuk, and he bites things when he's not peeing all over himself.

Also you are to Fill the information below.

1, Your Full names:.............................
2, Your ages, howsomanyevers you gots:..........................
3, Your primate phone number:...............
3a, Why you give your primate a phone number (we mean, what the fuck-san):.................
4, Your current country and residential address:........
5, Your Degree of Occidental:.................................
6, Your Level Of Investment In Rehabilitating Violated Crustaceans:...........................
7, Can You Handle A Panda Pumpkin Enema:...............................

So that the attorney can start putting together the necessary paperwork that is meaned to look authentic and we can only hope that it will, we need to you to put speed ahead of Valium.  Meth users would understand that, I think.  If interested  please  reply via my Private Email: drraymondchienkuofung111@gmail.com

Your earliest response to this letter that includes showing that you read it with full contents well noted, will be appreciated.
Kind Regards,
Raymond CH'IEN Kuo Fung Fukdumgood
The 150 or so scammers who received a copy of this edit didn't seem to care about it, one way or the other; Dr. Raymond Ch'ien Kuo Fung Fukdumgood, was a bit nonplussed:
this not what i send you.  are you serious or not to proceed?
Oh, I am mostest seriousness about this, but we must proceeds on the very nature of the email you sended me and I had reverse speaks with, okay-san?
From the silence since that reply went back to Dr. Raymond Ch'ien Kuo Fung Fukdumgood, I reckon it means we won't be having any more reverse "speaks".
And how's YOUR 2013?


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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Poll The Pols Won't Like

Sometimes, a poll comes out that I honestly love and agree with almost 100%.

And this one is about the 112th  Congress.  In a few days, we'll get one that will likely rate even lower.

The Kardashians and meth labs have a chance at redemption.

In a recent poll by Public Policy Polling in NC, they decided to use a different methodology to rate Congress.  They gave about 800 randomly sampled folks a list of about 26 things to compare with Congress, and which they would rate higher:  the particular 'thing', or the 112th Congress.

The answers probably won't surprise many of you.

I mean, we've already heard that the coming zombie invasion will by pass Washington, DC:  zombies feast on brains, and there aren't any there.

So, while I rate this Congress lower than I rate painful rectal itch or cancer, let's see what 800 of our fellow citizens of randomisity came up with:

Lice are preferred to Congress 67 to 19.
Brussel sprouts beat Congress by a comfortable 69 to 23.
Colonoscopies best Congress 58 to 31.
Root canals whup Congress 56 to 32.
Used car salesmen are better to get screwed by than Congress 57 to 32.

Hold on; it gets worse.  For Congress.

Traffic jams rate higher than Congress by 56 to 34.
The NFL replacement refs genuinely sucked, but apparently no where near as bad as Congress.  The refs won 56 to 29.

The French don't have a particularly high esteem in the eyes of some Americans, but when compared to Congress, the French are preferred by 46 to 37.

I don't know what Nickelback is, and really don't care to waste the time finding out; but whatevr ti is, it beats Congress 39 to 32.  

How many people sampled even know who Genghis Khan was, and what he did?  Doesn't matter, 'cuz he beats Congress 41 to 37. 

Congress will also be chagrined to learn that they lost to Donald Trump (44 to 42), cockroaches (45 to 43) and DC political pundits (37 to 34). 

Congress apparently DID beat a few of the chosen items they were compared to.  For instance, they beat Lindsay Lohan 45 to 41; Congress rated higher than playground bullies, though I would have rated them about even fiscally; but the poll had Congress preferred 43 to 38.  The bullies have some work to do.

So too, telemarketers: they're rated lower than Congress by 45 to 35. 

The Kardashians may have a TV show and Kanye West, but they fare worse against Congress than Lindsay Lohan, with Congress more favored than them by 49 to 36. 

Now the next couple comparators should be even with Congress in disapproval, since one of them is a former member, and some of the others probably are; but it's not easy to be lower than John Edwards, and Congress, try as it might, isn't there yet.  Congress beats him 45 to 29.  Lobbyists have fiscal and alumni ties to Congress, but still get viewed as lower forms of outhouse pit life at 48 to 30.

The 113th Congress hasn't started yet, though.

Now, I don't know what the breakdown was of the 800 persons sampled for this poll; but there couldn't have been very many liberals in the sampling, because Fidel Castro lost to Congress in unpopularity 54 to 32, along with Communism that lost 57 to 23, North Korea 61 to 26, and even meth labs lost 60 to 21.

Clearly, Michael Moore, Danny Glover and Sean Penn weren't part of this survey.

Congress also somehow managed to come out on top of gonorrhea 53 to 28 (the way they screw voters and taxpayers, you'd think more folks would make the connection), as well as Ebola 53 to 25.

But as I said, the 113th Congress hasn't started yet; given time, even John Edwards and gonorrhea can perhaps achieve some measure of redemption.


Sunday, January 13, 2013

Seymour's Class Doesn't Act -- II

I think that Curly and Seymour would have had a lot in common, but I digress.

At any rate, my pet rock, Seymour, wasn't as impressed about being included in a class action suit against Failbook as some might have thought. 
He thinks the only real law there is that matters are the laws of Nature.

We've had some pretty peculiar discussions about that, but I digress again.

Anyway, Seymour decided to show how much he appreciated being included in a 'class action'...by editing it.

He's getting as bad as I am in that regard.  If there are such charges, I might one day find myself facing 'contributing to the delinquency of a pet rock' charges.

So with no further very commentary, here is what Seymour did to his own email notification:

You are receiving this e-mail because you may have been scanned by a broccoli douche nozzle featured in a "Spitoon Competition" on Faceplant prior to December 3, 2012.
A federal court authorized this Notice.  Which one is not named in order to protect their  congressional subsidy of nose hair redactors under the Fraud of Hellthscare Act.
Why did I get this notice?   Somebody had to. 
What is the Action about? The Action claims that Faceplant attempted to imprint cyber genital warts in animal screen savers of Faceplant users, without their consent or knowledge, in order to determine if there was any money to be made thereby, wherein it was already knowd that this technique was already outlawed where muscle hamsters on steroids had broken the Rubix Cube code back in 1996.   Faceplant denies any possession of demonic goat butt parts whatsoever. No court or other entity has made any sense of any of this whatsoever.
What is a Spitoon Competition? Spitoon Competitions are gross, disgusting, and more fitting to the 19th Century frontier West.  Spitoon Competitions may have never actually happened on Faceplant, but may have been represented to have done so as a form of asshat advertising that typically contains posts which appeared Faceplant about or from a Faceplant user or entity or individual's Faceplant page. Spitoon Competitions typically include a display of a Faceplant user's Faceplant name (i.e., the name the user has associated with his or her Faceplant account) and/or profile picture (if the user has uploaded one) with a statement describing the user's interaction with the Faceplant service, such as "Seymour PetRock likes Things That Go PHFFFFT," "Seymour PetRock played Hide The Winkee At CarbonSpeedDating," or "Seymour PetRock shared a link with a Azerbijani Douche Nozzle from NYC."
What relief does the Settlement provide? Faceplant will pay a token into a fund that can be used, in part, to pay for petrocks on Faceplant to buy prostitutes.  Each participating Class Member who submits a valid and timely claim form may be eligible to receive up to $10.  The amount, if any, paid to each claimant depends upon the number of claims made and other factors detailed in the Settlement, such as how much tax will be owed to the Unafforable Hellthscare Act, though we are reliably informed it will be at rates up to and beyond 100%. No one knows in advance how much each claimant will be taxed, or whether any money will be paid directly to claimants, instead going directly to the IRS.
In addition to monetary relief, Faceplant will (a) get their pee pee spanked by a monkey  (b) create an easily accessible mechanism that enables users to douche their elected officials in the face with camel pee (c) develop settings that will allow users to play any popular rap song in flatulence on America's Got Talent  (d) revise its SRR to confirm that constipated mathematicians CAN work it out with a pencil (e) provide parents and legal guardians with additional information about how they, too, can learn to fart popular rap songs and (f) add a control in minor users' profiles that enables each minor user to explain in 100 words or less why Honey Boo Boo is the biggest f**king joke the world has ever seen since AlGore had a sex change to become Nancy Pelosi.  
SUBMIT A CLAM FORMThis is the only way to be eligible to help shape how clams are made.Deadline: May 2, 2013
EXCLUDE YOURSELFThis is the only option that allows you to retain the ability to file your own design for clams.Deadline: May 2, 2013
OBJECTWrite to the Court about why you object to farting rap music and think clams are fine as they are.Deadline: May 2, 2013
The Court will hold a "Farting Rap Music Fairness Hearing" to consider how clams are currently made, and WTF any attorney deserves a dime for any of this sh** for.  
You may, but are not required to, speak at the Farting Rap Music  Fairness Hearing about any clam design or non-design you filed. If you intend to speak, you must follow the procedures stated on the South Park "Cartman Explanation of Rainbows" website to notify the Court and parties of your intent.  
Hearing Date: June 28, 2013 at 10:00 a.m.
DO NOTHINGYou will not receive one f**king thing, you lazy sack of sh**.No deadline
Your Lack of Class Member Number: 6********
More information? For more information...WTF do you need MORE INFORMATION for???  You horses hangdown jackwagon, we already told you all the shit you need here!!!   But if you insist, you can write to a Mongolian restauranteur named Moogoo, and he'll know less than you thought you did before you read this.

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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Seymour's Class Doesn't Act

How do you like that?  My pet rock -- Seymour -- is a member of a class action lawsuit, and HE doesn't care.

Apparently, someone sued Facebook (aka, Facebroke, Faceplant, Failbook, et al) for Facebook using members' pages to advertise products or services, without the approval of the members.

I wonder what Failbook had Seymour endorse?  Taken-For-Granite Carbon Dating for Pet Rocks?


Yeah, what Seymour said.

I kid you not, folks:  Seymour received a 'legal notice' email that he was potentially a member of a class action lawsuit with a potential settlement now in the works.  And pending the settlement moving forward, Seymour would be eligible to receive -- are you ready for this -- up to $10. 

OR...it would be donated to some not-for-profit in Seymour's name.


Again, what Seymour said.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking...that I'm making all this up.  Well, here's the email in its entirety...and yes, completely unedited (that will come later):

From: legalnotice <legalnotice@facebookmail.com>
To: Seymour PetRock <trex_feathers@yahoo.com>
Sent: Thursday, January 3, 2013 9:57 PM

You are receiving this e-mail because you may have been featured in a "Sponsored Story" on Facebook prior to December 3, 2012.
A federal court authorized this Notice. This is not a solicitation from a lawyer.
Why did I get this notice? This Notice relates to a proposed settlement ("Settlement") of a class action lawsuit ("Action") filed against Facebook relating to a particular Facebook feature called "Sponsored Stories." According to available records, you may be a "Class Member."
What is the Action about? The Action claims that Facebook unlawfully used the names, profile pictures, photographs, likenesses, and identities of Facebook users in the United States to advertise or sell products and services through Sponsored Stories without obtaining those users' consent. Facebook denies any wrongdoing and any liability whatsoever. No court or other entity has made any judgment or other determination of any liability.
What is a Sponsored Story? Sponsored Stories are a form of advertising that typically contains posts which appeared on facebook.com about or from a Facebook user or entity that a business, organization, or individual has paid to promote so there is a better chance that the posts will be seen by the user or entity's chosen audience. Sponsored Stories may be displayed, for example, when a Facebook user interacts with the Facebook service (including sub-domains, international versions, widgets, plug-ins, platform applications or games, and mobile applications) in certain ways, such as by clicking on the Facebook "Like" button on a business's, organization's, or individual's Facebook page. Sponsored Stories typically include a display of a Facebook user's Facebook name (i.e., the name the user has associated with his or her Facebook account) and/or profile picture (if the user has uploaded one) with a statement describing the user's interaction with the Facebook service, such as "John Smith likes UNICEF," "John Smith played Farmville," or "John Smith shared a link."
What relief does the Settlement provide? Facebook will pay $20 million into a fund that can be used, in part, to pay claims of Class Members (including Minor Class Members) who appeared in a Sponsored Story. Each participating Class Member who submits a valid and timely claim form may be eligible to receive up to $10.The amount, if any, paid to each claimant depends upon the number of claims made and other factors detailed in the Settlement. No one knows in advance how much each claimant will receive, or whether any money will be paid directly to claimants. If the number of claims made renders it economically infeasible to pay money to persons who make a timely and valid claim, payment will be made to the not-for-profit organizations identified on the Settlement website at www.fraleyfacebooksettlement.com (if clicking on the link does not work, copy and paste the website address into a web browser). These organizations are involved in educational outreach that teaches adults and children how to use social media technologies safely, or are involved in research of social media, with a focus on critical thinking around advertising and commercialization, and particularly with protecting the interests of children.
In addition to monetary relief, Facebook will (a) revise its terms of service (known as the "Statement of Rights and Responsibilities" or "SRR") to more fully explain the instances in which users agree to the display of their names and profile pictures in connection with Sponsored Stories; (b) create an easily accessible mechanism that enables users to view, on a going-forward basis, the subset of their interactions and other content on Facebook that have been displayed in Sponsored Stories (if any); (c) develop settings that will allow users to prevent particular items or categories of content or information related to them from being displayed in future Sponsored Stories; (d) revise its SRR to confirm that minors represent that their parent or legal guardian consents to the use of the minor's name and profile picture in connection with commercial, sponsored, or related content; (e) provide parents and legal guardians with additional information about how advertising works on Facebook in its Family Safety Center and provide parents and legal guardians with additional tools to control whether their children's names and profile pictures are displayed in connection with Sponsored Stories; and (f) add a control in minor users' profiles that enables each minor user to indicate that his or her parents are not Facebook users and, where a minor user indicates that his or her parents are not on Facebook, Facebook will make the minor ineligible to appear in Sponsored Stories until he or she reaches the age of 18, until the minor changes his or her setting to indicate that his or her parents are on Facebook, or until a confirmed parental relationship with the minor user is established.
SUBMIT A CLAIM FORMThis is the only way to be eligible to receive a payment, if the Court orders payment to Class Members.Deadline: May 2, 2013
EXCLUDE YOURSELFThis is the only option that allows you to retain the ability to file your own lawsuit about the legal claims in this case.Deadline: May 2, 2013
OBJECTWrite to the Court about why you object to (i.e., don't like) the Settlement and think it shouldn't be approved.Deadline: May 2, 2013
The Court will hold a "Fairness Hearing" to consider the Settlement, the request for attorneys' fees and expenses of the lawyers who brought the Action ("Class Counsel"), and the class representatives' request for service awards for bringing the Action.
You may, but are not required to, speak at the Fairness Hearing about any Objection you filed. If you intend to speak at the Fairness Hearing, you must follow the procedures stated on the Settlement website to notify the Court and parties of your intent when you serve your Objection.
Hearing Date: June 28, 2013 at 10:00 a.m.
DO NOTHINGYou will not receive a payment, even if the Court orders payment to Class Members. You will also be giving up your right to bring your own lawsuit related to the claims in the Action. You may be eligible to receive the non-monetary benefits of the Settlement, if the Settlement is finally approved.No deadline
Your Class Member Number: (I removed it to protect Seymour's alleged privacy, but he gots one)
To Parents and Guardians of Children on Facebook: The Settlement also involves the claims of minors featured in Sponsored Stories on Facebook. Please see the Settlement website for more information.
More information? For more information about the Settlement and how to take the actions described above, please visit www.fraleyfacebooksettlement.com (if clicking on the link does not work, copy and paste the website address into a web browser) or write to the Settlement Administrator atFraley v. Facebook, Inc., Settlement, c/o GCG, P.O. Box 35009, Seattle, WA 98124-1009, or GCG@fraleyfacebooksettlement.com. You may also contact Class Counsel, Robert S. Arns of the Arns Law Firm, by calling 1-888-214-5125 or by emailing fb.settlement@arnslaw.com.

How do you think Seymour should respond to this?  I mean, besides with his text book "phffffffffft"?

The answer soon.

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Monday, January 7, 2013

When Is 'Final' Final?

When it comes to scammers, 'final' is infinitely NOT the last word on anything.

I just finished posting a 'final warning' email I got from the FBI -- and edited as a 'frog warning' -- that left the emailers speechless in an email reply to what I done.

The speechlessness lasted until Day 2 of the New Year.

They -- the "FBI" -- sent me yet another strongly-worded 'final warning' email, one promising that I'd be arrested, have all my possessions seized, lose my job, and all sorts of other deplorable results, if I didn't follow their instructions to get my share of $10.5 million USD.


Really.  NOT.

All I had to do to avoid this 'fiscal/judicial cliff' was to wire $98 USD to some character of dubious antecedence in Nigeria.

Well, y'all know me.  I never learn sh**.

So I did a little editing, and sent this latest version of 'last warning' back to the 'FBI':

Subject: LAST WARNING !!!!

Anti-Em and Flying Monkey Crimes Division
PCH Headquarters In Lagos  Nigeria
Federal Ministry Of Flying Broom Regulators
J. Mugu Ungabungabunga Building
935 Abacha Soludo Bello Umannagoofay, NW Lagos Outhouse District, Nigeria


This is the final warning you will receive from me. This notice has been sent to you in many occasions/ several times but you ignored it.

I have warned you so many times and you decided to ignore my e-mails because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, if you fail to stop believing that following a strawman, a talking tin pot, and a stuffed animal can indemnify to hold you harmless from the effects of falling houses on evil sisters in lands where everyone is short unless they are a tree, witch or a fraudulent wizard with a degree in proctology from some mythical land called Kansas.
What kinda drugs you been on?
Anyway, back to my rant:  if you do NOT do EXACTLY what we say, well...first we send a letter to the MAYOR of the city where you reside.  THEN we tell him to stop your trash pick up and make your toilet stop flushing.  THEN we tell all your friends you violate pillows.  THEN we post your picture on chatroom bulletin boards for persons with psoriasis of their genitals.  THEN we post pictures of you all over airports, train stations, shopping malls and on every jungle tree we can, showing you having unspeakable things done to you by a llama. 
Are you getting the general idea here?
Note that all your properties -- including your collection of Alvin and the Chipmunks 33 rpm albums -- will be confiscated by the Nigerian Federal Bureau of Mugus-Can't-Have-Shit-Cuz-They're-Mugus.
We would also send a letter to every company/organization you might have ever work for so that they could get you fired and banned for life from ever passing gas in an elevator again. 
Is this making it clear to you now, how serious we is?

Your ID which we have in our database have been sent to all the crimes agencies in America -- including Congress, the WH and Chicago, where all the criminals are -- for them to run your name and make all sorts of fun of you on pmsnbc, as an internet fraudsters and a violator of canned peaches. Also to warn people from having any dealings or friendly communication with you, neener neener boo on you!
This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the CERTIFICATE OF MUGU TATTOO ON YOUR BARE BUTT, ENDORSED AND STAMPED as you were instructed in the e-mail we send many times in Azerbijani. I, GODWIN MILLER III, Director of the Nigerian Federal Bureau of Mugu Doofus, wish to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given enough amazing grace how sweet the sound, therefore you have been mandated to start farting off-key and completely out of sync with any choreographed fart company you heretofore travelled with in vaudeville-esque road shows.  That's another career we'll f**k up for you, douche nozzle.
Comply immediately you read this e-mail if you don't want to be arrested and have your whole life turned into a daytime soap crisis that gets worse than any episode of South Park. 

Oh, I forget...we'll take all your Slim Whitman albums, too.
In the words of a good Christian and a Honest man, I have no idea, because I am neither, but that isn't impotent now.  A neutered duck might be, but I digress.

Note: All the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instruction.  This is absolutely positively your LAST CHANCE, douche nozzle.  You cannot run or hide from our satellite (actually, a gibbon that's been detailed to shadow your every bowel movement, and he's getting mightily sick of it and getting grumpy.  You do NOT want a pissed gibbon coming after you, along with us).  Failure to get this done will attract a maximum arrest and finally we shall apply for litigation against you, along with sexually violate every kitchen appliance and piece of furniture you own.
Meanwhile, I have put up with your inattentive ass for as long as I'm going to.  Contact the asshat below and let's get this sh** done, because the Super Bowl is coming up and I want to watch the San Francisco 49ers LOSE to Denver.  Send the payment details to me as stated below.


Do not hesitate to make the payment today with the above outlined information so that they will have the money to pay off the local witch doctor, otherwise he's gonna shrink their genitals to the size that only work with army ants.  And as we know here, NO ONE wants to have sex with army ants.  They bite.
Expecting your anticipated- Co-operation, because I get tired of having to think up sh** to write here.
Godwin Miller, goat sodomist expert for FBI, Nigeria

Usually, I'd consider silence from the FBI -- after replying to them in such a manure -- ominous.

But I'm sure in this case, they're still struggling to get past what I did to their original heading...

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Friday, January 4, 2013

Now That We're Still Here...

Okay.  We made it to 2013.

So since the Mayan calendar didn't get us, now it's the turn of the worst potus' in history and his hellthscare plan. 

The good news is, your Christmas gifts weren't wasted.  The bad news is, you'll have to file taxes for 2012.

Now that that's settled...sometimes, newspaper headlines wind up sounding more stupid than the story they announce.

And sometimes, the story winds up deserving the stupid headlines.

But I digress.

A pre-Mayan calendar scammer -- a Mr. Sebastian, allegedly with the IMF -- titled his email "VIEW EMAIL ATTACHMENT FOR MORE INFORMATION".  The attached email was a brief blurb, allegedly from the International Monetary Fund, concerning "my" part of $8.5 million USD, the effort by a Mrs. Virgie Brown to have me declared "dead" so she could have my "portion", and Mr. Sebastian's effort to determine if I, or Mrs. Virgie Brown, would "get my portion". 

In short, I had to let Mr. Sebastian know if I was dead or not.  Sounds pretty simple, huh?

Well...I decided that the headline and the story needed to digress, and radically so.  I kept a key element of Mr. Sebastian's theme in play -- whether the recipient was 'dead' or not -- but to him and 50+ of his friends and colleagues, that's where the resemblance of his email title and email content ran abruptly off the rails:

International Momentary Fungi (IMF)
54 abbis, route des Aca-ca
Case postale 1516
CH-1227 Geneva
ATTN: Benefil subscriber,

I do not write to dogs or cats; if you are a Benefil subscriber, please disregard this email.  Woof. 
Otherwise, I am Mr. Sebastian Lipshitz of IMF of the Head in the Office Switzerland.  Yes, someone has to be the head of the head.  How else do you think it gets cleaned?

I don't know how to break this to you, but someone must break something sometime, otherwise unbroken things don't get replaced, and nothing new gets built if nothing new gets old and breaks, do you follow my curly-cue logic?  Good, because neither do I. 
Your email appeared among those who will receive a part-proctological exam that has been approved already for months. You are requested to remove your head from your ass, to allow it to return to normal size, prior to this exam.  No, that's not all. 
We received an email from one Mrs. Virgie Brown who told us that she is your next of kin and that you died in a peculiar accident on Dancing With The Stars last week, when a choreographed dancing rhinoseros duet accidentally squashed you during their big finale, prior to their being voted off the show.  She has also submitted her video of the incident to assure us that, yes, you really were squarshed between two dancing rhinoceros during Dancing With The Stars.  We want to hear from you before we can completely accept her claim that you are dead or not.  Please email us either way, and assert that (1) you are alive and unflattened by the Dancing With The Stars episode or (2) that you are as dead as a can of corned beef and moreso flat, and in the case of (2) we require proof of flatness in the form of (3) an attached photo of you between the two rhinos or (4) a signed affidavit from the Dancing With The Stars judges that confirms your flattening, in which case of our receiving (4) or (3), we'll accept as fact that you are indeed (2), and will grant Mrs. Virgie Brown's claim as aforesubmitted. 
If you are still alive, kindly tell us, in 100 words or less -- preferably in Azerbijani, since we don't speak New York Italian -- what the fidooniak you were doing on a show as ridiculous as Dancing With The Stars, where you could conceivably wind up between two dancing rhinoceros, when everyone not under the influence of their local bar pharmacist can tell you that you should NEVER appear on a TV show wherein you can get caught in between two dancing rhinoceros, or any possible combination therelike.  Please include at the end of your 100 Azerbijanic words -- if you use New York Italian, you will be disqualified and registered as a cruciverbal offender for disorderly vowel movement -- the following information for our records:
1 Your full names
2 Your present contact address.
3 Your telephone & Fax numbers.
4 The last time you had sex with an inflatable sock puppet named Squiggy.

4a.  The justifiable reason for your answer to the previous question.
5 Your Private Email Address.

I will apologize to you on behalf of IMF (International Momentary Fungi) if your response satisfies all of the requested informations we requested, in Azerbijani.  If you try a fast one by substituting Bostonian Greek, we will send one of the dancing rhinoceros to sit on your favorite couch during an incontinence episode.  Not knowing what incontinence is, rhinos tend to not worry about it, and incontinent with frequency and volume.  Life preservers will not be provided.

Mr. Sebastian Lipshitz
Artificial dust mop inseminator

What comes as no great surprise, is that Mr. Sebastian didn't read much, or any, of my edit.  He took my response as if I was alive and willing to be duped.  And for that, he also took on the role -- I assume this, and you'll learn why shortly -- of banker Vuso Vuyi.  So, I was getting emails from both Sebastian and Vuyi, who always seemed to know what the other one was sending to my character, Ben Dover.

Responding as usual, I fulfilled all of their information demands (name, address, phone number, business, et al), and I even added in a photo ID that was just fuzzied up enough that they couldn't read it well enough to get any useful info off of it. 

The game, as it turned out, was whether they could get me to wire $790 via Western Union to them, or how long I could bait and string them along.

Twin points of contention quickly developed:  the fuzzied up ID that they couldn't read (and I insisted that was the best my scanner could do with it); and my character's refusal to call Vuyi on the phone in Benin (at least the number included the country calling code of 229, which is Benin); my character kept patiently, then impatiently telling Vuyi that I was "hearing impaired" and couldn't hear long distance telephone callers.   Vuyi and Sebastian both insisted that I had to call Vuyi, or "the wiring instructions to Western Union wouldn't be sent". 
This resulted in my character sending a paragraph-long all-caps tirade, which included referring to Mr. Sebastian as "a jackwagoned douche nozzle of dubious antecedence who was, through his asshole conduct, f***ing up the whole deal", and that I would only deal with Vuyi if he'd send me the wiring instructions with no further delay.

That's when I came to the conclusion that Mr. Sebastian and Vuso Vuyi were the same person:  both stopped communicating with me forthwith.

I guess the 'Mr. Sebastian' half's butt hurt trumped the 'Mr. Vuyi' half in getting me to wire money.

OR...as my pet rock, Seymour suggested...the Mayan calendar prediction got to Sebastian/Vuyi, and just hasn't gotten around to me yet.

Seymour better hope he's wrong on the latter, or no more chinese egg rolls for him.


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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Frog Alert

A ridiculous scam letter is deserving of a ridiculous attached photo, I think.

I could think of a better way to ring in 2013.  But I went with this one.

Once again, the FBI is writing to me.  AND the CIA.  AND Homeland Security.

On behalf of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Small wonder I would take it as seriously as I did.

Yes late in 2012, I get an email from the FBI titled "FRAUD ALERT", advising me not to deal with other parties and to follow their instructions or I would be subject to arrest.

The CIA, Homeland Security, and even the IRS were signed on to the email as well.  Which tells you how serious it was that I take this email seriously and follow their instructions.

Which you can see that I did, with the attached edit of the email that I sent back to them and dozens of their peers and colleagues:





We received your email and wish to inform you that this is never a child’s play, we are ready to take you to any length if you fail to proof the legitimate source of the frogs you are about to receive.

As a series of Federal Commissions that have no real f**king idea what we're doing, but enjoy spending tax payer's money doing it, we are here to protect our national vital interest in frogs.  Perhaps you didn't know, if you didn't watch Jurassic Park (it's a movie, you bonehead), that certain species of frogs can change their gender in a single-sex environment.
F**king yowza.  And thus, WE CONTROL THOSE FROGS.
You have been investigated because we have been notified that you are the beneficiary of a delivery of said frogs, and that is why you are in touch with the CIA for a solid proof before the frogs will be released to you.

We also have in our file here that your mental and physical health are suspect due to dubious antecedence and odious bodily odors.  We don't know what enough of that means to be beyond a basic "WTF?", so in order to cut through the usual government bureaucratic chutzpah, we are issuing you a  CLEAN BILL CERTIFICATE and FREE FROGS FOR CITIZEN CERTIFICATE, which will enable you to receive your frogs without undue azerbijanian influence or abject anal spasms, which we have been reliably informed, suck.
It has come to the attention of our Frog Trafficking Investigation Department that you have some frogs valued at U.S $8.99 (Eight Dollars and 99 Cents) to your name, and this delivery of more will quadraoctoplex that number in your possession.  Proceeding therefrom, the said delivery is awaiting adjudication and fiscal chicanerous crediting with the adherence to Inheritance ‘willed ‘ from Central Bank of Nigeria.  Precisely WTF a Nigerian bank has to do with frogs is precisely what we're trying to figure out.

With full concern of the CIA and the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), we wish to remind you of the consequences of receiving potentially pervertable frogs without complying fully with the provisions of the Federal Endangered Feces Act as amended in sub-section C (6) of 2003 Congressional Bloviation And Rectal Purging Act, which stipulates that any amphibian transaction being done with or herein the United States of America must have proper records, which includes transfers of ownership, lords a leaping, Kermit patents unviolated, Miss Piggys uncopywrote, duly guarantees and covers that all written herein is subject to an English teacher who won't simply put an "A" on it and then go home and drink themselves into a decomposition stupor.  This is due to ongoing literary terrorist activities/economic crimes on and against the United States of America and its citizens and also other countries of the World.

Note that with the information we have here, this whole f**king matter originates from the Federal Republic of Nigeria.  'Nuff said.

You have just 48 hours to produce legal proof of all the sh** we laid down above, coded AZQV111. You do not have any rights to receive these frogs if the documented legal wire information is not complete.

For your own good and benefit, you are advised not to attach your genitals to any electrical device that is plugged in, especially with the power invested on us by the United States Government, being impersonated by the Federal Nigerian government.  You are hereby warned and instructed to terminate your reading too closely of this document if you start to understand it.

We have your address and the evidence that you once violated creamed corn, so we can arrest you anytime anywhere.

Contact our contact below via Western Onion, the only way to ship onions, so that we may know you are not serious and are thereby deemed a hazard to sterilized wombats:  


NOTE: We have asked for the above document to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for no criminal justice purposes.  If you understood that, please explain it to us, because truth be told, we are sandpoundingly stupid.

WARNING: failure to produce the above requirement in the next 48 hours because we have actual guarantee the agency that you will get the document by today, legal action will be taken immediately by arresting and detaining you.You shall be tried and if found guilty, you will be jailed with twin bubbas from Arkansas who are tired of doing each other, and will be happy for a new butt to sodomize.  The CIA will not stop at any length in tracking down and adding further such bubbas to your holding cell.  We're just
CIA VERY SPECIAL AGENT for one day in 2010; now I clean toilets at Langley AFB's commissary
The only response I've drawn thus far is an email reply that was blank.  Perhaps the scammer was too busy googling researching sex-changing frogs.  Or really was pissed, because he learned that there really isn't a Paris Hilton Crotch Watchers club for him to join.
Either way...welcome to 2013.  New year, same sandpoundingly stupid scammers.

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