If At First You Don't Succeed...

..twy, twy again.

After 19 years of this, I am more convinced than ever that internet email scammers are either democraps, or people the democraps desperately want to recruit.

Of late, the scammers keep trying to use a once venerated organization as the vehicle for their scam, the FBI.

Here's their latest endeavor:


FROM OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR,
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.
WASHINGTON DC.
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET.


Urgent Attention: Beneficiary,


We hope this notification arrives meeting your good health and mind.
We (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant
investigation agencies here in the United States of America have
recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring
network that you have an over-due payment in the tone of (Ten Million,
Five Hundred Thousand U.S Dollars) with Sun trust, NC. It might
interest you to know that we have taken our time in screening through
this project as stipulated on our protocol of operations and have
finally confirmed that your payment/transaction with Sun trust is 100%
genuine and hitch free from all facets and of which you have the
lawful right to claim your funds without any further delay.


Having said all this, we will further advise that you go ahead in
dealing with the Sun trust bank, NC, accordingly as we will be monitoring
all their activities with you as well as your correspondence at all
levels. NOTE: There are numerous scam emails on the internet,
impostors impersonating names and images. We therefore warn our dear
citizens and foreigners to be very careful with any claim email you
receive prior to these irregularities so that they do not fall victim
to this ugly circumstance anymore. And should in case you are already
dealing with anybody or office claiming that you have a payment with
them, you are advised to STOP further contact with them immediately in
your best interest and contact the real bank Sun trust bank , NC, branch only
where your fund is laying, with the below information:


Bank Name: Sun trust bank.
Address: 300 S Hughes Blvd, Elizabeth City, NC 27909, USA.
Attn: Lambert Huddles
(Remittance Director)
lamberthuddles222@outlook.com
website: www.suntrustbank.com


Contact the bank today quoting your (PAYMENT REFERENCE NUMBER:
FBI/SUN TRUSTBANK-4J/383X/17) and make them understand that you have been
directed from this office and ask them for processing of your
payment/funds immediately. Meanwhile, ensure you follow all directives
or instructions from Suntrust bank as this will further help hasten up the
whole payment process in regards to the transfer of your funds to you
as designated. Also have in mind that the Suntrust bank equally has their
own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms.


All modalities has already been worked out before you were contacted
and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you
proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require from
you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you
and the Suntrust bank, NC, branch. Without wasting much time, we will want
you to contact them immediately with the above email address and phone
number so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without
any further delay as time is already running out. Should in case you
need any more information in regards to this notification, feel free
to get back to us via email so that we can brief you more as we are
here to guide you during and after this project has been completely
perfected and you have received your payment/funds as stated.

Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation.

BEST REGARDS,

Andrew McCabe
Federal Bureau of Investigation.
J. Edgar Hoover Building
601,4th Street,935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA. 


I love how they don't keep up on current affairs.  'Prolly cuz (a) they're low information and (b) they're afraid not to like the Clintons, what with all the suicides that come from folks not liking the Clintons.

Eh.

So I turned my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, loose on this one, and it's a corker (not to be confused with some yutz from Tennessee):

FROM OFFICE OF THE MISDIRECTOR,
FUNGERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION FBI
WASHINGTON DC.
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP YOUR TOILET PAPER

Urgent Attention:

We hope this notification arrives meeting your good health and mind with a total mind f*ck.

 

We (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other irrelevant agencies here in the Democrap National Crimeittee have recently approached the FISA Kangaroo Court with a request to wire tap your toilet paper.  Yes, we have.

 

We are do this on the basis that we have received a letter that's been sat on by the very rank miniscule member of the Senate Injudicious Committee for some time; and after doing unspeakable things whilst having sat upon it, it was passed to us for analysis.  If you see what we just did there, you probably wish you hadn't.

 

In this letter, it has been alleged by a professor of dubious education and lacking ethical standards -- a democrap, in other words -- that 36 years ago, you attended a party in Moscow where persons later to become some level of importance, were purported to be acting in manures only fit for faked dossiers manufactured by an overseas unintelligence burro, paid for by the broom-riding one that lost her coronation opportunity because she sucked and not the right people, and run with by cnn because cnn will have no truck or any other vehicle with confirmable, credible news.  They want to become the official fake news purveyor on South Park.

 

Add to it, the letter has embedded therein photos of you leaving the party at a Russian Motel 6 with an inflatable Dianne Feinstein sex toy, a yak, a case of vodka, and "I Support Moose 'n Squirrel" bumper stickers.  And a signed, sworn statement from anonymous sources in the New York Slimes that you are a Russian bot that didn't vote for Ms Fall Down, Crimepaign Go PHFFFFFFT.

 

This is why you have been suspended on Twitter, Skype, Instascam, OMG, WTF and every other leftard-controlled social mediocre site.

 

Having need of more evidence to use against Trump's current SCOTUS nominee, we are convinced that bugging your toilet paper will somehow allow the Babylon Bee and the Onion to come up with something....ANYTHING...that we can use to usurp 63 million deplorables.

Having said all this with plausible deniability that cnn and ms13nbc grants us, we will further advise that you go ahead in not denying anything we hear through your wired toilet paper, but do ask that you find a different way to use it...wired TP is pricey, even with our unlimited chicanery budget left us by obola.

 

NOTE: There are numerous scam emails on the internet, impostors impersonating names and images. We therefore warn you that we are the only scam you'll ever need, and to be very careful with any claim email you receive prior to these upcoming irregularities so that you do not fall victim to decency, morality, ethics or any of that other related crap that stupid conservatives refuse to let go of.  

 

Our brand of stupid is the wave of the future.  One listen to Ocasio-Cortez, Mad Max Waters or Joe Bidumb should make that point.  Embrace it or be accused of having looked at a cheerleader's ass 36 years ago, and having cnn and the Senate Injustice Crimeittee's ranking twat waffle come hunt you down and forever more ruin your chance to sit on a Home Owners Association board.

We knew that'd get your attention.

You are advised to STOP further contact with Fox News and contact these rancid, pathetic folks with the below information:

Bank Name: Sun trust bank.
Address: 300 S Hughes Blvd, Elizabeth City, NC 27909, USA.
Attn: Lambert Huddles
(Remittance Director)
lamberthuddles222@outlook.com

All modalities has already been thoroughly corrupted and manufactured before you were contacted.  Cooperate and that cheerleader who found you forgettable then and didn't remember you when we hunted her down, will forget we told her that you looked at her ass after we sign her check.

 
BEST REGARDS,
Mandrew Landcrab
FUNGERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION FBI
Ed. Jaegar Heaving Building
601,4th Street part of 935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA.

"Professionalism, Integrity, Ethics...We Got Rid Of That Crap When Obola Was Here"  

 

 

I still don't see this getting Seymour a Pulitzer that he so covets ("PHFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"), but I do see it getting him banned on those social mediocre sites.

The Medusa Effect

Look not too closely, for ancient tales tell you that to look at the face of Medusa will turn you to stone.

'Nuff said.

Found a way to work that and other elements into an email scam edit here.

Here's the gist of the scam, many times seed h'yarbouts:


Dear Elected.
I bring peace and love to you from God and our lord Jesus Christ. It is by the grace of God that I received Christ, Having known the truth; I had no choice than to do what is lawful and right in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of God mercy and glory upon my life.

I am Mrs. Esther Masego the wife of Late Mr. Sadasivan Masego from Malaysia, My husband worked with the Central Bank Of Malaysia for ten years before he died in the year 2005.We were married for twenty-seven years without a child. My Husband died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 9,900,000.00 GBP (Nine Million Nine Hundred Thousand Great British Pound) with Barclays Bank PLC, UK.

Presently, this money is still with the bank and the management just wrote me as the next of kin to come forward to sign for the release of this fund only know to me and my late husband or rather issue an authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf if I cannot come over.

Unfortunately, I'm in a hospital in Malaysia where I have been undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer. I have lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only few months to live. It is my last wish to see this money distributed to any charitable organizations anywhere in the World. Because relatives and friends have plundered so much of my wealth since my illness, I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them.

Please will you utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein ?.  I want you to take 35% of the total money for your personal use. And 5% shall stand to settle any other expenses that may be incurred in the course of executing the transaction, while the remaining 60% of the money will go to charity people in the street without home, helping the orphanage and less-privileged once.

Please i don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my soundless voice and presence of my husband's relatives around me always. So please kindly send me only E-mail here (esthermasego@163.com) because I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.

As soon as I receive your response I shall give you the contact of my late husband Attorney who is in Europe as he will be the one to assist you in laying claims for this money. Your prompt reply will be appreciated. Thank you.

Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Esther Masego .
My Personal E-mail:  esthermasego@163.com  


Alrighty then.  Here's how my character chose to respond in edit mode:


Dearly beloved, 

 We are gathered here in the presence of a marmot and a yak, under the grace of the evil baphomet Gorgonzola who looks like Hellary Clinton in a 6 XXXL butt thong, to join these two bestialities as marmot and yak -  what, were you expecting them to become waffle iron and toaster oven? - in the throes of holy sh*t, as accredited in the Atheist's Travelogue of the Galaxy of Cygnus V, related loosely to the Pram of Horkstra, and being an honorable office before being taken over by Occutards that smelled worse than goats in heat.

 

 I am Mrs. Esther Masego, a blighted soul of dubious antecedence and no attached genitals, having been a Lego game in my previous life and having a komodo dragon steal them when I was on a pilgrimage to Singapore to audition to be one of Bill Clinton's intern genital humidors, only to find that being genital-less, I did not qualify.

 

F**k.  That's a procreative word used as a colorful metaphor, for those of you at the DNC that need things explained to you.

 

I was once married for twenty-seven years without a child.  Having had my Lego genitals stolen by a komodo kinda made that inevitable, ya think???

 

My Husband died after being shot at the Cincinnati Zoo. Before his death we were both born again Simians.  He should have stayed here.  Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child in Cincinnati since I might get shot there too.

All those gathered here, if there is any reason why any of you see any reason why this marmot and this yak should not be joined in the throes of a really kinky sex position, speak now or forever direct your iphones h'yar for some future YouTube video, you sick bastards.

Unfortunately, I'm in a hospital in Malaysia where I have been undergoing treatment for having looked at a picture of the chairpoison of the Demoncrap National Crimeittee and having been turned to stone.  I have lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only few months to either get cured or shipped to a rock quarry. It is my last wish to see Trump throw hellary and obola in prison and fire everyone at pmsnbc.   I cannot live with the agony of entrusting constitutional responsibility to any of them.
  

 Please will you utilize a chisel to chip away and get at an itch between my shoulder blades?

Please i don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my concrete nature and presence of asphalt contractors trying to figure out why a picture of Debbil Wasserputz Schultz does better concrete work than they can. So please kindly send me only E-mail here (esthermasego@163.com) because I don't want them to know that asphalt isn't concrete or a problem with one's butt.  With a cell phone, texting app and a twatwaffle, all of the dumbest things in life are possible.
 

 As soon as I receive your response I shall give you the contact of my late Attorney who is in southeastern Europe looking for necks to bite and avoiding reverends with crosses and sharpened stakes.  Your prompt reply will be appreciated as that itch between my shoulder blades is getting worse.

Yours in concrete,
 Mrs. Esther Masego .
 My Personal E-mail: esthermasego@163.com  

 

 

The scammer figured it out with her silence (a concrete larynx makes it tough to talk anyway), and the DNC knows better than to figure I can be converted to a hellary voter by this time.  I'm sure my typed invitation to a conservative concentration camp is awaiting dispatch if this country is so dumb as to not indict her...

Where The Search For Intelligent Life Ends

While the rest of us just plug along in life, trying to make ends meet, the folks at NASA are keeping up the celestial exploration, at least until ISIS requires them to dial back technology to the 6th Century AD.

That era of catapults won't be of much use.

Until then, NASA reckons that they've discovered about 700 planets as of 2014, and that more than a few of them are in solar systems not terribly dissimilar to ours.

This of course boosts the postulations and speculations about there being other life forms out there, somewhere.

Believers in UFOs have been convinced of that from the first reported sightings.  Some conspiracy theorists go so far as to suggest that a space ship with alien corpses crashed in New Mexico in '47, and the last Indiana Jones movie exposed their existence. 

But NASA wants to tamp down the speculation that when/if aliens make first contact with us, they'll be like what Hollyweird has portrayed them as:  little green men, or big headed ETs.

Some among the NASA "What If" staff believe that it is possible that today, among us, there are aliens who are spying on us as we live and breathe.   South Park went so far as to suggest that Earth is a reality show for the cosmos, and lots of intelligent life out there looks in amusedly at the lack of intelligent life here.

If you've ever listened to recent public statements by Russell Brand, you'd have to agree with the cosmos on that point.

I had my pet rock, Seymour -- a 4.5 billion year old resident of this h'yar orb -- speculate hisself on that possibility, and it made him wish I hadn't disassembled the VCR remote that he'd converted into a home defense device, after watching a marathon of the The Outer Limits (TOS) a few years ago.

After a vaporized refrigerator, I reckoned we'd all be better off with it disabled.

But Seymour's acute eye for oddities did come up with some very distinct possibilities for alien infiltration within the human race.  These are his suspicious characters that prove that while alien life is present, the intelligence of it is dubious at best:

I find this very believable about DWS...truly.

Alien, perhaps; intelligent life form, certainly not as a well established track record of public statements proves beyond all dispute.

Alien...more believable by the day.  Intelligent?  A tree stump trumps her.

Alien playing with his ray gun?  Mayhaps.  Intelligent?  A door knob beats this, loaded-finger-or-not down.

Alien?  Perhaps...might even have been expelled from Uranus.  Any attempt to measure intelligence is usually defeated whenever it speaks in public.

 

Alien?  A distinct possibility.  As for intelligence, well....since no intelligent life exists at msnbc, that settles that.

Alien?  Seymour thinks so.  Intelligent?  Only if a flaming doper has any brain cells left that work.  If an alien, obviously he took drug experimentation to low information levels.

So many questions remain about life on other worlds.  Questions that might be answered in our lifetime, perhaps.  But if NASA and my pet rock are correct, the examples of "ETs" we have among us thus far suggest that the universe is no better off than we are.