GASp

Who knew that the mere mention of cow farts after the advent of that Cortez broad and her "Green New Deal" could bring the campus-world to the edge of insanity with two trigger words:  cow farts.


Pretty much anyone that sees how abjectly stupid campuses have become today.  But I digress.

This is about a scammer, who had no way of seeing how cow farts were going to end more than just the Earth in 12 years; it was going to end his template considerably sooner.

Here's how he started:


Norfolk International Airport2200 Norview Ave, Norfolk, VA 23518 Virginia, United States of America
Date: 22/04/2019.


Re: Expected Delivery on.

A shipment relating to you was withheld due to an undisclosed sum of money in the trunk-cases. Actually, the content was not properly declared by the correspondence as CASH rather it was declared as hardware power tools to avoid Interrogation.  The consignment has been taken into custody by the airport authorities while the enclosed detail of the consignment with your detail and the official documents from the United States Treasury from the Homeland Security Department related to you was tagged on the package.

My name is Arnold Barnes, I work with the Norfolk International Airport, Virginia as inspection personnel. I discovered your shipment at the airport warehouse. I advise you to quickly furnish me with your name, home, and mobile phone numbers as well as your address, to enable me to cross-check if it corresponds with the address on the official documents. After which you will confirm to me the name of the nearest airport around you to help me locate you when bringing the shipment to you. Please note, this consignment was supposed to have been taken to the United  States Treasury Department as abandoned and unclaimed delivery but due to the period of time, the authorities mandated for the owner to come forward and claim the cargo the shipment has since been left abandoned. The reason I made up my mind, to contact you personally about this abandoned cargo was that I want us to transact this business and share the money 80% for you and 20% for me since the shipment has not yet been returned to the United States
reasury Department

I would appreciate you can work with me as your friend in helping you get your shipment to your home as I would personally deliver the package to asap. Trust me you cannot regret this deal.  You can quickly reach me on phone and my email ( barnes.arn@yandex.com ) for further discussion.

Thank you.

Arnold Barnes  
Norfolk International Airport
VA 23518, Virginia,United States  


Alas for him, the edit of his email went directions he never foresaw:

NorWhatTheFolk International Airport
2200 Norview Ave, Norfolk, VA 23518
Virginia, United States of America
Date: 22/04/2019.

Re: Expected Delivery of Automated Farting Cow Butts

A shipment purportedly related to you was withheld due what it contained and a protest about the contents from that Cortez broad from the 14th Congressional District in NYC.  She claims you'll destroy the environment and encourage real cows across the globe to defy her and moooo derisively at her at crimepaign stops in the coming months.  She cites that cows on the Comedy Central hit South Park are already acting defiant and disrespectful to her, and this is only the beginning of the vast moooo flank steak conspiracy against her to allow Amazon.com to build a hindquarters in NYC after all, filling the area with drones, jobs and happy constituents, none of which she can abide.

 

Actually, the contents was not properly declared by the shipper in the first place; it was represented as donations to the DNC but had to be disguised as hardware power tools to avoid causing Berkeley Antifans from self-fouling and going on another trash bin-torching binge.  The consignment has been taken into custody by constituents of Maxipad Waters, that loud-mouth and wholly deranged reptile from Kaliforlornia, who told her constituents it contained looted Cheetos and toilet paper from Burntimore a few years back, and was free for their looting.  However, the airport authorities were quicker to secure the trunks and now just await someone with money and the IQ of a dildo to send it to them, in exchange for the trunks.

 My name is Arnold Barnes, I play a port authority chief inspector on a cancelled A&E series, so I was asked to stand in on this deal since I had nothing better to do.  I discovered this shipment with your name crayoned onto the shipping label in Yoruba, at the airport warehouse. I advise Mr. Oxmyx to quickly furnish me with your name, home, and mobile phone numbers and GPS coordinates so I can have the Starship Enterprise beam all da udder bosses to h'eah so they can be informed dat da Federation is taking ovah.  One eyebrow from Spocko and it's coytins fer da bum what argues da point, got it sweethaht? 

Since hockey playoffs are in vogue just now, get me what I wants to enable me to cross-check the refrigerator into the kitchen cabinets just to get in the mood of da games.  After which you will confirm to me the name of the nearest constipated mathematician so's we can work it out with a pencil, since I heard that's how he does it.  Please note, this consignment was supposed to have been taken to the United  Arab Emirates as "reconstituted virgins" in an abandoned and unclaimed state of delivery, but due to the period of time, the authorities were caught masturbating and waiting for the owner to come; this whole untoward circumstance was filmed for a YouTube video to be released when Joe Bidumb starts fondling his way through the 2020 democrapic field of candydates, which goes along way to explaining why it has since been left abandoned.

The reason I made up my mind to try and make use of this peculiar template was that I had no others at hand and was at a loss what else to do, what with time short and my hair still in curlers.

 I would appreciate it if you can work with me as your newly-found friend in helping you get this template off the ground and successfully launched toward some kind of resolution.  Trust me you cannot regret this deal unless you enter it.  You can quickly reach me on phone and my email ( barnes.arn@yandex.com ) for further discussion.

Spank you.

Arnold Barnes
NorWhatTheFolk International Airport
VA 23518, Virginia,United States  

 

 

Funny how the scammer had nothing further to say after seeing this edit of his email.  Not even a 'thank you' for having vastly improved it...

Cramping In The Great Outbores

I used to love camping.  Years and many, many misadventures ago.

Now...meh.  Shade, an easy chair, and something cool to drink.

Yeah, I've grown candyass.

What brings this all up?  This email from a sarge in Korea:


Hi,

I wish to seek for your assistance in a deal that will be of mutual
benefit for the both of us from Camp Stanley, Stationed in Uijeongbu,
South Korea. Please get back to me for more info.

Thank you for your time.

Sgt.Joan Martinez  


Now, I have no idea what the details are here, such as what untold riches she's allegedly found and squirreled away, needing my help to get them stateside most likely.  I only know the endgame:  a fee that I wire, and whatever I'm promised, I don't get once I paid.  Like I was ever gonna get it in the first place.

Kinda pretty much knowing the endgame, I wasn't so interested in the particulates.  I'm sure the 'sarge' ain't a real one, and that 'she' probably ain't in Uijeongbu, South Korea.

So rather than seek details that were relatively meaningless, I simply laid it out to the 'sarge' this way:


I am not seeing how anything from Camp Stanley would benefit me here.

Especially in a place like Weejongbull or whatever it is.  If this has anything

to do with Saddam or Colonel Ghaddafi's purported loot, I'm sure you have

a heck of a story as to how it got from where it was to where you is.

One I'm sure that will eventually show up on an episode of South Park.

I once spent a year during a week in July at Camp Granada:  rain, ticks,

pterodactyls, dysentery, outhouses, Baby Ruths in pools, poison ivy,

painful rectal itch, mosquitoes, bears, roombas, campfire fart wars...it
was all so...so...so outdoorsy. 

You ever fall out of a tree getting firewood?  I have.  Or cross a river,
watching half the camping sh*t wash away?  Yawp, that too.

Talk to me about a fully-equipped RV camper at a fully-equipped KOA

facility, and perhaps we can mull a possumbility or two.  Otherwise,

contact Daniel Boone, Davy Crockett, Yule Gibbons or Jack Palance.

And whatever you do, stay off Clint Eastwood's lawn.

That was apparently enough to convince the 'sarge' to look elsewhere for hep.

Though, I thought the tip about staying off Eastwood's lawn was sound...

Dying To Be Friends

Yup.  That's how she started it.

Then it took the usual twist into full-blowd Scamland.

She even recruited people to impersonate a bank -- ING -- for authentication.

And that's where it truly fell apart.

But let's start with Ms Alisa Homere, living in the USA but being from Turkey:

Hello my name is  Dr. Alisa Homere, I will like to be friends with you. Can we know each other? please write me back i wait your reply.

 

Thanks

Dr. Alisa Homere  

 

 

Time to play:

 

 

And on what basis shall we develop this friendship?  

 

 

Game is on:

 

 

Welcome my dear 

How is life over there in your location hope pleasing and charitable.I am Dr. Alisa  Homere a Turkish nationality. residing in the United States.  am divorced without child. i am open and good heated woman of loving mind.

Please my dear may i know you and the country where you are living  presently and what you do for a living.

When i get your reply in my next mail i will disclose my main reason of contacting you. Here is my pictures  

 

 

She sent me a few pics, including this one:

 

 

I guess this proves that she's a doctor.  For a few bucks I can get me a certificate that says I'm a gynecologist, but meh:


Well...hello.

I am American.  My ancestors are primarily of northern and central European descent; I am, by blood, distantly related directly to the British Royal Family.

I am, however, a modest and humble man living simply.  I am a widower; my late wife died after 10 years of marriage, without child.  I have not chosen to remarry at this time.

I am currently running a medical marijuana dispensary in Colorado.  Not a user myself, but the industry is new and lucrative here, so it's what I do.

So...what is your main reason for contacting me? 

 

 

Most of which isn't true, but who cares.  She goes on:

 

 

You are highly welcome my dear.thanks for the reply how is today with you. hope fine. Like i said in my previous mail .My name is Dr. Alisa  Homere a Turkish nationality. residing in the United States.  Born June 20, 1980 . I had to contact you in this way because I want to do something very important. This will seem a little suspect true that you do not know me, and I do not know you either. I suffer from cancer of the lungs that is terminally ill, as a medical doctor with the stage of my illness i don't think i will make it up to 45 days from now due to the disease have grow and spread differently in my body. 

 

I am a divorce woman and I have no child of my own. I plan to donate all my property to charity homes and the less privilege if you can promise me that you will be hobble and trustworthy to follow my instruction to share this fund us$860,000 Dollars to the less privilege i have work for in my life get back to me with your full details as follows

Your full names: ........

Your address: ...........

Post code: ...............

City: ........................

Your Age: ................

Country: ..................

Telephone number: ...

Profession: ..............

By the special grace of God when the money enters your position take us$160,000 only and share the rest accordingly as directed you for me to have rest in the booze of my creator.

I await your immediate response and your complete information,

Dr. Alisa  Homere

+15048142576 

 

 

By most scam substandards, this one is pretty chinsy.  Only $160,000 for me and the rest for "booze of my creator".

 

I can imagine why her "creator" probably has a booze problem, but I digress.

 

 

I respond:

 

 

You're dying and have no one to see to your last wish?  Well...you've come to the right place.  I'm as hobble a person as you'll find.   (and I provide her the requested info from one of my most reliable and hobble scambaiting characters).

 

She replies:

 

I am happy to read from you, Mostly what i need from you is prayers and to assist the less privilege. I have noted your contact information's which i am going to forward to the bank now on your behalf to transfer the money to you as my appointed relation to receive the money also i will appreciate you to contact the bank with the below details that you are from Dr. Alisa Homere and have ask you to receive the amount i have in there bank into your own account please i need your prayers much because i don't know what tomorrow will tell in my life.  Here is the information of the bankING BANK A.S (Formerly Oyak Bank A.s.)
Eski Buyukdere Cd. Ayazaga Koy Yolu 16
34398 Maslak, Istanbul Turkey
Tel: + 905399127862
Fax: 90 212 286 61 00
Email: ingbsa@uymail.com
Email:  ErwinOljslager@gmail.com
Contact Person: Mr. Erwin Olijslager
Chief Financial Officer

God bless you and your family

Best Regards.
Dr.  Alisa  Homere+15048142576   

Curious that you live in the USA but still bank in Turkey.

Eh...I tend to notice the minutiae. 

Bank:  please note the last email below and respond.  

 

 

Meantime, she goes on:

 

 

It was nice to read from you? How are you dear.

Please i need prayers from you because my health is not all that sound.

Also have you contacted the bank for the transfer?

I am waiting for your reply.  

 

 

Yes, I reckon it was nice for you to hear from me?

Yes, I did write to your bank. 

Yes, I did hear from your bank.   

Thanks and God bless you. Don't forget to tell me as you receive the money from the bank.

I want to take my drugs and have some relaxation.  Waiting for your massage dear.  

 

 

Too bad you're not here...I've got some doobage doobage doo that would knock the socks right offa your ills.  Better than a massage.  Affordable too, kinda.  

 

 

My dear how are you, I bless God today that i am a little better.  Please let me know your conclusion with the bank when they will transfer the money to you.  

 

 

No sweat, Babycakes.  You'll be the first to hear...unless you're dead.  Then you'll be second, third or somewhere later.  

 

 

In the meantime, my character is having something of a different exchange with her ING Bank:

 

 

 ING BANK A.SING BANK A.S (Formerly Oyak Bank A.s.)
Eski Buyukdere Cd. Ayazaga Koy Yolu 16
34398 Maslak, Istanbul Turkey
Tel: +905399127862
Fax: 90 212 286 61 00

Re:ibas/jne/023

Date: 26/02/2019

Attn. Mr. Jack N. Ewehoff

With due respect,

On behalf of the board and members of staff of the above named finance hereby depose as follows, to out wise you that your details has been received in our firm.

To enable us proceed with the transfer of this fund, do reconfirm and forward to us the below details of yours

1. Full Name

2. Bank account details

3. A photocopy of your international passport or any proof of your identity.

4. Address

5. Phone Number

Await your response.

Feel free to contact the undersigned for clarification.

Your Faithfully.
Mr. Erwin Olijslager
Chief Financial Officer
Email: ErwinOljslager@gmail.com
ING BANK A.S (Formerly Oyak Bank A.s.)  

 

 

First, I would like your bona fides for confirmation.  

 

 

We don't underdtand what you mean try to clear us with your word.    

 

 

 bona fides:  your authentication

I would like you to authenticate yourself then we can proceed    

What do you mean this is a bank 
 

 Well I know that's what you CLAIM to be.  Anyone can go online and say "I'm a bank".

While all the while, not being a bank.  For all I know, you're a bank of fawg.

So I want authentication from you that proves you're a bank. 

Every legitimate bank can authenticate themselves by providing their "bona fides".

Provide me yours.  Then we can proceed.  Surely that's a word you can grasp?  

 

 

*JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC*...and here's what we waited for:


you has to come here to our bank to compete this transaction since you have this view.


Since you don't have a living clue what 'bona fides' and 'authentication' means, perhaps you'll understand this:  FAT F***ing CHANCE.  I am NOT traveling to a Third World crap hole to an unauthenticated "bank" just because your nose is out of joint and you can't do something as simple as authenticating your status as a bank.  A river could; fawg could.  You need to. Figure it out if you expect to do business with me.

 

it is clear that you are not serious about this business.  pls get serious or stop contacting us.


I'll have you know that I'm as serious as painful rectal itch is to a snake that hasn't a finger to scratch it with.  Think about that visual while you ponder your next reply carefully.


Sadly, they did ponder it...and ended all contact.


I guess they're no longer dying to be friends...

Calling All Dupes

If the character wasn't long dead, I could easily be convinced that this latest email scam comes from Chief Inspector Clouseau, rather than the "Metropolitan Police UK".

Read it and see why:


My names is INSPECTOR WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT from METROPOLITAN POLICE UK, there is presently a counter claims on your funds by one MR.JOHN LEWIS, who is presently trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him before your death, to help you in receiving your fund US$10,502,000.00 So here comes the big question.

Did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of ( JOHN LEWIS ),He further claimed that you died on the 26/MARCH/2018 and you have been buried , thereby making him the current beneficiary with his following account details:

MR JOHN LEWIS,
AC/NUMBER: 6503809428.
ROUTING/122006743,
B/NAME:Bank Of American ( B.O.A ),
ADDRESS:NEW YORK,USA,

We shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mr. John Lewis, if we do not hear from you within the next two working days from today.

Kindly provide us the below informations about yourself :

Your Name :
Full Contact Address:
Date of Birth :
Contact Phone Number :
Contact Fax Number (if any) :
Contact Email Address:

You should provide us with the above information asap, if you want to claim your Fund today.

Thanks

INSPECTOR WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT  


Just the kind of email that makes you jump right up and get all excited to find out that people think you're dead and you have millions in an account with the Bank of American *snort* that you have been, up to now, blissfully unaware of.  


Yawp.


This one had *edit* writ all over it, and that's what my character went and dun to his email:


From: METROPOLITAN POLICE UK <email1@manofwrld2019.ga>
Sent: Sunday, March 17, 2019 2:45 PM
To: jackofnotradesmasterofbaiter101@hotmail.com
Subject: ARE YOU TRULY DEAD OR ALIVE AND/OR COGNIZANT OF THAT FACT ALONG WITH OTHERS?

 

Attention,

Note:  if you're a trained investigator like me, you'll note what I just did in my opening sentence below:

My names is INSPECTOR WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT from METROPOLITAN POLICE UK.  The 'UK' stands for United Kingdom, and not University of Kentucky Fried Chicken, which sorta kinda matters on the eve of the start of March Madness.  In a brief aside, have you bloody well filled out your brackets yet, wankers?  If not, crikey...you bloody well better get off the bum and get it in before tonight.  Now back from my digression.

Representing myself to be a trained investigator with the Metropolitan Police UK, this should suggest that I am a crime fighter...an adherent of law enforcement...one of the good guys.

And unicorns crap Neapolitan ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. 

If that were so, then I bloody wouldn't be here with this whacking great pile of bad haggis, laying on you a far-fetched tale that there is presently a counter claims on your funds by one MR.JOHN LEWIS, who is presently trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him before your death, to help you in receiving your fund US$10,502,000.00.

But here I am, doing that. So here comes the big question.

Are you bloody moronic enough to believe that (a) I am what I say I am (b) you have what I say you have (c) someone else is trying to get what I say you have and (d) that Trump colluded with the Russians to kill off all the dinosaurs so there'd be oil to make money off of millions of years after the fact?  To further amuse someone out there, he further claimed that you died on the 26/MARCH/2018 and you have been buried in a purple ascot and golf knickers, wearing the hat that Rodney Dangerfield thought to be the worst hat he ever saw and that if you bought it you'd get a free bowl of soup. 

Are you following me so far?  If not, no map or compass will help.  Don't expect Uber to pick you up based on this either.

So here we are, tottering on the border of Namby-Pamby Land, thereby leaving you the single most ridiculous decision you'll never have to make if you have at least three working brain cells:   and that is if you do with this email what you orta, rather than stupidly answering it thinking you're really entitled to anything mentioned herein.   Personally, I can't wait to see just how stupid you are.

So if you are of tree stump-level intellect -- like the morons that elected democraps in 2018 -- get back to me on the following:

MR JOHN LEWIS,
AC/NUMBER: 6503809428.
ROUTING/122006743,
B/NAME:Bank Of American ( B.O.A ),
ADDRESS:NEW YORK,USA,

If you is alive but don't care about the nonsense above, we shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mr. John Lewis if we do not hear from you within the next two working days from today.

If you is dead and don't therefore care to find the time to reply, this will be fully understood, even by the operators we dug up to have standing by in case someone actually replies to this.

 

Then again, if you are an intellectual liberal fecal deposit, kindly provide us the below informations about yourself :

Your Name :
Full Contact Address:
Date of Birth :
Contact Phone Number :
Contact Fax Number (if any) :
Contact Email Address:

You should provide us with the above information asap, if you want to do the online equivalent of getting pied in the face today.

Thanks until we meet again and the case is solve-ed,

INSPECTOR WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT

METROPOLITAN POLICE UK

"We're into busts...the bigger she has, the better"

So far, Inspector Walmsley Geoffrey Robert has not been able to tear himself away from his tea and crumpets to reply...

 

Alles GePHFFFFTen

Parodies simply are that.

Email scams in foreign languages seem to me parodies as well.

At least, that's how I treat 'em.

I'm not German.  I don't sprechen but a few badly-pronounced words of it.  None of which will get me a post at the US State Department.

But when I get an email scam to my character, written in German, it amuses me:



Lieber Freund,

Ich bin Herr Richard Wahl der Mega-Gewinner von $ 533M In Mega Millions Jackpot spende ich an 5 zufällige Personen, wenn Sie diese E-Mail erhalten, dann wurde Ihre E-Mail nach einem Spinball ausgewählt. Ich habe den größten Teil meines Vermögens auf eine Reihe von Wohltätigkeitsorganisationen und Organisationen verteilt. Ich habe mich freiwillig dazu entschieden, Ihnen den Betrag von € 2.000.000,00 zu spenden eine der ausgewählten 5, um meine Gewinne zu überprüfen, finden Sie auf meiner You Tube Seite unten.

UHR MICH HIER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tne02ExNDrw

$533 Million Jackpot Winner Revealed: Modest Mega Millionaire Richard Wahl Richard Wahl recently moved to New Jersey from Michigan and has only played the lottery a few times before winning the $533 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot. www.youtube.com

Das ist dein Spendencode: [DF00430342018]

Antworten Sie mit dem Spendencode auf diese E-Mail: wkfinancialservice@gmail.com

Ich hoffe, Sie und Ihre Familie glücklich zu machen.

Grüße

Herr Richard Wahl  


It especially amuses me when it involves an American that won Mega Millions.  Why email THAT in Deutsch sprechen?  


Yes, I know:  I could copy it over to the Gooble Translooter and have it all in my brand of English.


But I didn't see the fun in that this time.  So I took my own pterodactyl-German woids and pronunciations, and responded back thus:


From: utazas@tandtsport.hu <utazas@tandtsport.hu>
Sent: Saturday, April 13, 2019 1:22 AM
To: Recipients
Subject: Das Lobster loosen undt schtuff!

 

Lieber dumkopf,

Ich bin Herr Richard Wahl der Gewinner von $10 geheime vagina schtickers In Mega Morons Third Vorld Gibtsavay undt ich an hundsfott ist gefallen Personen, wenn Sie diese E-Mail erhalten, dann wurde Ihre E-Mail nach einem Spitball ausgewählt.

 

Ich habe den größten Teil meines Vermögens auf eine Reihe von Wohltätigkeitsorganisationen und douchenozzle undt schtuff liken dat verteilt. Ich habe mich freiwillig dazu entschieden, Ihnen den Betrag von € 2.00 zu spenden eine der genital ointment ausgewählten, um meine gesundheit zu ibuprofen, finden Sie auf weiner YouBoob Seite unten.

UHR MICH HIER: https://achtung.bitte.mein.fliegerscheisse
Das ist dein Suspendencoden undt schtuff: [DF00430342018]

Antworten Sie mit dem alles kaput undt spitzen sparken undt schiesse like dat.  E-Mail: wkfinancialservice@gmail.com for bork bork bork

Ich mein genital, Sie und Ihre Familie glücken kuckucksheim zu machen.

Grüße undt awpeterstain

Herr Richard Wahl

I don't know if the scammer tried running this through the Gooble Translooter or not, but either way...he gave up.

Mein pointen.
 

The Emails, They Are A Changing...

Obola really screwed up the FBI I guess.

I mean, look what he dun to the organization that once featured Efraim Zimbalist Jr, protecting and serving on network TV, and was once knowd as the premier law enforcement agency in the land:


Attention: E-mail Address Owner,

Sequel to the meeting held with Federal Bureau of Investigation, The International Monetary Fund (IMF) is compensating all the scam victims and some email users which your name and email address was found on the list.

This is to pay all the Fraud Victims who lost the money to scammers in African countries more especially Nigeria and from all the Francophone countries, Rejoice you have been compensated with amount $650,000usd for self support to help individuals to own a self charity organization also for you to build your Personal Company/organization so as to help the less privileged in there society due to the financial crisis.

This includes people that lost their money on fake inheritance AND fake lotto and Online dating scams.

We found your name in the list of those who are to benefit from this compensation and decided to contact you through this way.

In case you have not received YOUR benefit,

Kindly contact inheritance lawyer:
Barrister .Badmus Thompson
E mail: barristerbadmusthompson@gmail.com

Contact Him immediately and request for your ATM VISA CARD if you have not receive your parcel

Best regards,
Gabi Goodman  


I guess too many Obola appointees, smirking Strzoks, sleazing Pages and integrity-void Comeys, left them with little else to do.


So I wonder what they'll do with this as a reply to their email?

Attention: E-mail Octopus Garden Owner,

Seagull to the mating held with Federal Burrito of Ingestigation, The International Monketary Fungus (IMF) is consternating all the scram vacuoids and some e-whales which your name and yo mama was found with a 39 degree list.

This is to play all the Poseidumb adventure games who lost their cookies when the ship rolled and someone left the cake out in the rain in African countries more especially Nigeria and from all the Francofax countries. Rejoice for you have been diagnosed with genital warts in your sinus passages!  This means that you too can be awarded with self support to help yourself to whatever you come up with.  Or, you can sexually violate chinchillas that own a self charity organization.  Also, you can build a log cabin out of laminated poop in San Crapcisco so as to help the less privileged find a constructive use for all their unused, street-covering poop due to the fecal crisis.

This includes people that still can't get over that Hellary lost her rigged election and all the other leftist scams.

We found your name in the list of those who are to have genital-switching surgery with a manatee and decided to contact you through this way.

In case you have been deluded to assume that you deserve a benefit, stupidly contact our lawyer that specializes in anal sex with orthopods and Yugo tail pipes:

Barrister Badmus Thompson
E mail: barristerbadmusthompson@gmail.com

Contact Him immediately as operators are standing by at 1-900-ASSHAT and request for your sinus genital wart implant kit if you have not receive yours yet.

Dubious at Best regards,
Gabi Goodman  

 

 

The email originator(s) didn't seem to fancy replying to what we dun to their email, Ma.  Mebbe they can write to that whackjob Cortez to get her nose out of joint about something else.

Uncredibility Abounds

Okay, so mebbe I didn't do this recently.  I might have if the props had been present.

Scammers pretending to be financial advisers.  Everyone wants to be Bernie Madoff.

He was well-named, but not well-played.

This one is neither:


Dear ***************@hotmail.com,

Please pardon me for this unsolicited communique.

I do have the trusteeship of a PRIVATE investor with a stormy political background to outsource individuals with sound

Financial Management abilities to manage over US$1.3B devoid of his name. These funds can be invested in tranches of US

$100M or a tranche that is suitable for the portfolio manager.

If you have Financial Management abilities, credible project in need of funding or existing business requiring expansion,

your feedback would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Martin Jones
Managing Partner
FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT AND ADVISORY SERVICES LIMITED  


Now, there are a few folks out there that this clown is counting on to find this email credible.  If it reaches any voters for that Cortez broad from NYC, he might get lucky. 

I chose a middle ground here:  a little creative editing AND a reply that questioned his proofreading.  First, my reply: 

Excuse me...did you closely read this email before you sent it?

I am reading it with incredulity.  It reads easier after six scotch 'n waters.

From: Mr. Martian Jones <capitalalmal@gmail.com>Sent: Thursday, April 4, 2019 11:37 AMTo: Subject: FINANCIAL MISMANAGEMENT AND ADHORKORY SERVICES UNLIMITED  

Dear  Schlossiknocker

Please pardon me for this soliloquized communicake.

I do have the trusteeship of a PRIMATE investor with a stormy political background and questionable bowel habits to outwit individuals with unsound

Financial Management abilities and dubious antecedence to mismanage over $1.3B devoid of monetary denominational valuation at this or any time.

These funds can be invested in tranches, trenches, ditches, subway tunnels, salt mines, gopher holes and unused vaginal spaces of 80 year old born again virgins from Guam, before it tips over and upsets global warnings of such an event, coming soon to a pay-per-view or YouTube venue near someone.

If you have Financial Management inabilities, totally uncredible projects in need of being sprayed or spayed, or existing business requiring expansion of painful rectal itch, your feedback would be depreciated at 285% compounded daily.  Happy Hour at Chilis or Hooters excluded.

Martian Jones
Extratesticle Partner
FINANCIAL MISMANAGEMENT AND ADHORKORY SERVICES UNLIMITED

"F**KING UP FINANCES SINCE THE INTERNET GOT TO THIS FLY-INFESTED INTERNET CAFE IN A THIRD WORLD SCHEISSE HOLE"   


You'd think that this would be enough to convince the scammer that I'm not a promising lead.  *BUZZZER*:


That is not my letter I send.  I send again (and he repeated his original email).


Pardon me, but is your email address (see the one in the header)?


yes  are you interest in my proposal?


Sorry, bub, but the email I sent you back is the one you originally sent me.  That's how I was able to send it back to you.  It was obviously your secretary.  Do you want to shoot her now or wait 'til you get home?


I tell you that not my email.  are you a crazy person?


I'm not, but one of my other personalities could be.  With him, it's always wabbit or duck season for speech-impedimized hunters.  Know any of them? 

That was apparently enough to get the message across to the scammer.  Either that, or he ran into Elmer Fudd and picked the wrong season...