Feng Shui Meets Feng Scammui
What is feng shui? Simply put, it is "an ancient Chinese system of aesthetics believed to use laws of Heaven and Earth to help one improve life by receiving positive qi (aka, energy flow)". When used by scammers, it tends to drift and weeble-wobble into something more obfuscational, which -- when expressed in the higher literary Mandarin Chinese dialect -- is closer to Feng Ptui, or "Nah shunar du wa na?".
English translation in a spell.
My online feng shui continues to be unabately interrupted and very unharmonious. My flatulence is probably part of that, but I digress.
Amongst my latest qi abusers was a dubious antecedic character going by the name of Ming Mui, and claiming to be a VP and Manager of the Bank of East Asia, located in NYC.
"NYC????" Das what he writ.
Mui wished to have speaks with me -- renowned the world over, apparently, as 'unclosed recipients' -- over a matter of one of his dead clients, $58 Million USD, and Mui's desire to have me help him "confidentially and 100% risk free", access this fund. I was, in my 'undisclosed recipient' guise, to become the qi of Mui's Feng Scammui.
Instead, my 'undisclosed recipient' persona, operating on the parallel parking theory of feng ptui, undertook to throw a little ripple in Mui's qi field of 'give the business to the round eye'. So sawwy not-san.
His email, titled Did You Recieved My Earlier Notification?, ran about seven paragraphs. I simply replied to it with a "uh...I didn't receive your first email. Did it read like this one, in the manner of Nah shunar du wa na?"
And promptly rewrote significant passages of it for him, helping to achieve a qi comparable to that of a planet that was just hit by a moon-sized asteroid. How's that for Heavenly influence?
Here's what I sent back to Mui (firstname.lastname@example.org), and renamed for my purposes, Feng Shui, and included to about a dozen of his peers and colleagues:
Mr. Feng Shui
Stank of East Asia
Anal Street Main Debauche
202 Anal Street NYC, NY 10013
Internal would not have been the breast way to reach you without getting slapped but since this letter is highly contagious and the Interpol seems to be the most secord and fascist way of comingling. I derided to beach you by this means.
I am Mr. Feng Shui, Vaginal resident of the Stank of East Asia, where it all comes together. Kindly not that this massage is offal and penile and as such should be kept highly buttressed in vaseline, so I peed with you once at a pubic urinal to keep things in tuna with the ebb and flow of Eddie.
I am contracting you basely on a repent meeting held by the miasma of my stank which an account of the late Samuel Anderson-Okoronji (diseased with crotch crickets), who was prostrated by a candor (large carnivourous bird of the hamster family), and went to Florida to defoliate. I was his supplier of sexual trysts with farm animals and various fowl. Before his diseased sabbatical, he concealed to me a secret trollope account worth the sum of $58 Million USD in collectible urine samples.
The mismanagement of my stank has made serious efforts to locate any of the sample's hibiscus, but all efforts came to botanicus flopstemicus. That is why I have contracted you in lieu of a salad shooter. My stank in a short pile would deplore the accredited daschund, consecrated in Gaines Burgers, and the fund would be sent to the offices of Goat F***ers Anonymous, for the reprogramming of disseminators to prevent unwarted pregnancys or nellies, and even possibly natalies.
I will not let such happen because I know a good goat f*** when I feel one, and so do a few nancys, nellies and natalies I know. I will never forgive myself, nor forgoat the looks of unsatisfaction across the stockyards, of unrequited three-peckered goats who spent a life in a ewe convent.
Thus, I need you to act as benef***iary to bring this sordid tale of bestiality to the big screen in time for an Oscar nomination in 2013. Would ya couldya wouldya, and make all the other undisclosed recipients herein as happy as I would be to know that this matter has been handled in the manure that you know I am driven to contemplate before my chronic colitis collapses my colossal conglomerated mass of fecal mucus membranes, leeching their contents into my taste buds? Umm-ummm good golly, Miss Molly.
I have the honor to be, all that I can be, until then whenst I'm not cuz I can't,
Mr. Feng Shui
I didn't get a reply from Ming Mui, nor any of his peers. Prolly cuz -- at least in the case of Ming Mui -- the aforementioned phrase Nah shunar du wa na, was well understood by Mui. English translation: what is this bull you're handing me?
Feng ptui: never underestimate it. Oh-qi?