Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Missed It By That Much

Or maybe not by that much.

I love it when my email box informs me that I have a diplomat bringing a consignment box packed with cash to my door, but the nincompoop lost my address, so I have to reconfirm it for him.

And he -- as always -- doesn't know what's in the box and I shouldn't tell him before he signs it over to me.

Uh huh.

Here's a bit of the ploy:


Please your urgent Attention is needed, we wish to inform you that our Diplomatic agent conveying your consignment box valued the sum of $5.7 Million United States Dollars misplaced your address, you are required to Reconfirm the following information’s below so that he can deliver your Consignment box to you today and return immediately,
Your Full Name: Your Country: Your Direct Telephone Numbers: Your Nearest airport: Your Current Home Address: Your E-mail Address: Your Current Occupation: Your age: A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION:
Please do contact the diplomat agent Mr.Deburrs William with the email and with the information’s required. Diplomat Name: DIPLOMAT Deburrs William Contact him with his phone Number +19785484886 ): OR (deburrswilliam@foxmail.com) he is waiting to hear from you today with the information’s to bring your Consignment box to your doorstep.
And Try to indicate these CODES to the Diplomat because it will prove that you are the rightful person that owns The Consignment Box.
A) YOUR BOX REGISTRATION NUMBER: XQD7819-SC
B) THE SECURITY CODE CONSIGNMENT BOX: ez/85t/kab/2017/color: silver
NOTE: That Diplomat agent John Bright did not no the content of The consignment box contains a huge amount of money which is $5.7 Million United States Dollars and on No circumstances should you let him be at peril with the Consignment box.
 
 
Uh...yup.
 
I could hear my pet rock, Seymour, shrieking "EDIT!!!" from across the country (even though he's five feet behind me):
 
 
Attn; Dear Benef**ktory,
Please your urgent Attention is needed:  we have a serial lack of urgent
attentions here and were assured by peoples who need peoples are the
lousiest peoples in North Korea.  Not that this makes much in the ways
and curds of sense, but we are sure that you aren't sure what it is that
we're not sure that you're sure of.
Ettu, Brutus?  What movie is that off or from?  Will you be off or from?
What cultist opening is that an act to?  Do not say Hamlet with a side
of hash blondes.
We had wish to inform you that our Diplomatic agent man, diplomatic
agent man, we gave the prick a number, and took away his name....

A box with smart technology and stupid programmers misplaced your
address, you are required to Reconfirm that you wear a dress, or
straighten us out on what the fuck it is that you do wear, because
this is of little importance at the DNC; they're more concerned with
where and how you pee.
In the Greenwich Mean Time, please fill out the below informations
because we collect this stuff from across the globe, bringing you the
best and worst from the world of email crap:
Your Full Name:
Your Country:
Your Direct Telephone Numbers:
Your Favorite Direct Insults:
Your Nearest airport:
Your Nearest Indoor Outhouse:
Your Current Home Address:
If Not Address, What Are You Wearing:
Your E-mail Address:
Your Current Occupation:
Your age:
Your Birth Genital:
Your Chosen Genital:
If Not Your Birth Genital, What The Fuck Is You:
A COPY OF YOUR IDEMNTIFICATION:

Please do contact the diplomat agent man, diplomat agent man, we gave the
prick a number, and took away his name.  And he's terrible with numbers, so
if you write to him his number a bunch, the abject stool sample might finally
remember it.
Whatever you do, do NOT call him Mr.Deburrs William; we gave the prick a
number and took away his name, so he cannot answer you by that name, or
any name...just a number.  The one we gave him.

Johnny Rivers understands this completely.

Please to note that this is Johnny Rivers in disguise.  We use same disguise company as Chief Inspector Clouseau.
 
Now you should contact Diplomat with his Number +19785484886 ): OR (deburrswilliam@foxmail.com) he has operators standing by to take your call or email and do unspeakable things in their bungholes widdit, because toilet paper is a precious and few commodity hereabouts.
 
You might also hear from his diplomat agent man secret partner, because
that's sometimes how we roll here in ThirdWorlddumb.  If you are contacted
by a person disguised as a box with this diplomat agent man secret number
XQD7819-SC, that's the wrong one.  Say "bad diplomat agent man disguised
box!" and demand instead the diplomat agent man disguised as a box with
this secret number:  ez/85t/kab/2017
NOTE: That Diplomat agent John Bright did not intend to know the contents
of this email and compounded his sandpounding stupidity by using not the
number we gave the prick but his name that we took away when decomposing
this email. 
He bad.  Very very bad.

And on No circumstances should you let him be at peril with the disguised box
because he gets excited easy and wets himself, giving away the whole damned
caper.  We should have hired Maxwell Smart, but he's dead and Agent 99 is
retired.
That said, never Disclose the real content of this email until you meet him at
your door with a creme pie in the face.
If you just sneezed, gesundheit.  If you farted, never mind.  We never do get
those listening devices planted in the right places.
Mr John Not So Bright because they took away my name and gave the
prick my number and I keep forget it so I give away the game repeteredly.  
 
 
My pet rock eagerly anticipated a response to this email, but I suspect that it self destructed after 7 seconds, and went up in Bela Pelosi's wadded panties.
 
The DNC will do that to ya....

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Sunday, June 18, 2017

Seymour Edits Global Warming AlGore Style

Such a reaction from readers of left-tilting persuasions, as pictured h'yar, is reckoned on.

My pet rock, Seymour, loves perusing the 'Net.  And when he finds a post about his favorite world leader to tweak -- Kim Jong Un -- he's all over it.

But this time, he found one involving global warming.  On Mars.

And felt that this one had an edit with AlGore written all over it.

Thus, for your reading pleasure (unless you're a dyed-in-the-feces AlGore fan):

Signs of AlGore found on Mars


Seymour PetRock – WTFNS | Sometime 2017ish



Discovery sparks one-sided debate: why wasn't he sent there sooner?


Activist pseudoscientists at the Dr. Nye Saves Toledo From Detroit Research Prostitute in Boulder, Colorado have discovered signs of global warming on Mars. They can tell by viewing the pictures sent back by the Mars Rover that found AlGore – or his man-bear-pig – lurking around the ice in the polar caps.


The earth’s relief to find out that AlGore is on Mars has run the gamut from “Thank God!” to hysteric “but who'll save the polar bears from Donald Trump?”, and are being recorded in assorted polling variations known as Cosmic Flying Twat Waffle Iron Effect. It is not known if these are also present on Mars, but if CNN has a bureau there, one can be sure that fake news is well ensconced on the Red Planet.


WTFNS has NASA’s rather vacuous explanation of how this affects Mars:


“On Earth, ice ages take hold when Hellary walks past a sensing thermostat, causing the polar regions and high latitudes to become instantaneously cooler than average for thousands of years, causing Bill to go on another global search for female intern vaginal humidors,” said NASA. “In contrast, the Martian variety occurs when — as a result of the planet’s having somehow inherited AlGore or his man-bear-pig — its poles become warmer than lower latitudes due to the incredible reservoirs of hot air he exudes.”


Methane vapor – a key AlGore element – moves toward the planet’s equator and forms ice and glacier farts that melt whatever they contact at mid-latitudes, said a barely straight faced NASA spokesperson.

The discovery of the solar system's greatest scamster in the field of global warming on an otherwise sparsely populated planet has sparked debate in the scientific community as to whether or not the sun will decide to go supernova a few billion years sooner than otherwise expected, fearing that AlGore or his man-bear-pig will show up next on Mercury.

In 2007, Russian hacker Ivan Schmirnov Abdussamatov reported that he had successfully interfered with Martian elections, causing ice caps to decline for 3 years due to the DNC's collection of windbags to get all sorts of butt hemorrhaged. He attributed this to the decline of common sense at the DNC.


While many pseudoscientists consider it to be a simple coincidence that President Trump gets two scoops of ice cream when the rest of us only get one, Abdussamatov disagrees:

“Man-made greenhouse warming has made a small contribution to the warming seen on Earth in recent years, but it cannot compete with the increase in flatulent irradiance generated by the American democrap party,” he told CNN in 2017, causing Wolf Blintzed to cough up a hairball belonging to Rachal Madcow.



Seymour continues to insist that one of these edits will net him a Pulitzer.  With the way other once coveted awards have been denigrated through frivolous awarding to lacking accomplishment types, I can't imagine it'll have much value if bestowed on my very deluded pet rock.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

See what Seymour just did there?

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Thursday, June 15, 2017

Military Army Soldier Woman

Now, THAT is an Amazon warrior.

Not the kind that my characters get emails from, though my characters are supposed to believe in that image.

My pet rock does.

"Do NOT!!!  PHFFFFFT!"

At any rate, here's an email from Leigh A Hester, a "military woman":


Dear ,
How are u doing today ? Apologies! I am a military woman ,seeking your kind assistance to move the sum of ($4.7.M USD) to you, as far as i can be assured that my money will be safe in your care until i complete my service here in Iraq and come over next month. This is legitimate, and there is no danger involved. I need your full details to enable us proceed, such as : your Full Name, Full Address, Direct Mobile Number  via 
hesterleigh.annz@gmail.com       
Regards ,
Leigh .A. Hester
  


"This is legitimate, and there is no danger involved".  *Snort*

No moreso than usual from an unsolicited email scammer.

So my character decided to see how attentive "Leigh" is, when the reply she anticipates is an edit of her original email, and sent to about 100 of her peers and colleagues:


How the flying fish f**k are u doing today? Apologies if you're not as flying fish f**k fantabulous as I am just now! 

I am a military army soldier woman, seeking your kind assistance -- or any kind of assistance, even from an unshaven wookie outlander of shag carpet antecedence with lice, cuz in my situation I cannot afford to be too f**king picky -- to move the sum of ($4.7.M USD) to you.
 
 
  I find this money while doing my military army soldier woman duty to dawg and cowntry, searching old palaces, cisterns, sewers and camel flop houses...anywhere that Saddam Hussein might has used to hide sh*t while he was trying desperately to get an audition for Dancing With The Stars.
 
 
  Instead, he got dead, so not a road map was left to find anything he hid like a squirrel hiding nuts, acorns, Ding Dongs and Yugos for the winter. 

It is my fervent hope that as far as i can be assured -- what with me being the paragon of truth and integrity that a military army soldier woman like me could be -- my money will be safe in your care until i complete my service here in Iraq, Kaliforlornia, and I finagle transportation over back there next month.
 
 
This email is meant to appear wholly legitimate -- pardon me while I gag on an RPG -- and there is no danger involved unless you too gag on an RPG or believe one word of this email.

And so everyone in my fly infested internet café can has a great laugh at your expenditure, I need your full details to enable us proceed, such as : your Full Name, Full Address, Direct Mobile Number.  Send it all to me  via  hesterleigh.annz@gmail.com       
Regards ,
Leigh A Hester
military army soldier woman
and giant vagina costume wearer
 
There was no more word from the military army soldier woman Leigh Hester after this edit; however, a few college cupcakes were triggered and needed a safe room to watch puppy videos after the mere mention of a "military army soldier woman"...

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Monday, June 12, 2017

All In The Edit

Reading some of these emails, I kinda know how Archie feels.

Editing them, I can frequently only imagine how the email originators feel.

Like this one:


Good day my friend, 
I'm larry tunde, a lawyer in Cotonou, Benin Republic, late Mr. Joerg, a gold merchant who was my client, died as a result of lung cancer without a will, now I want to present your name to late Mr. Joerg, bank so the money left behind by late Mr. Joerg, can be transferred to your account through my help. The amount of U.S. $ 10.5 million deposited in a local bank here, by late Mr. Joerg , before his death on November 23, 2013, I need your information so that I can show you the bank as next of kin to Late Mr. Joerg for further process. Please provide name and full address, your age, profession and position, address, email not mail.ur and mobile number for contact purposes, Please reply via personal e-mail, so I will send more details of Mr. Joerg you need to know: 
tundeequitychambers5@gmail.com 
+22999449772
Thanks Barr.larry tunde.  
 
 
Let's see if I can get the bannister to feel like ol' Archie h'yar:
 
 
Good day for someone, 
I'm larry tundaphish, a lawyer in Cotonou, Benin Republic, that specializes in gender change lawsuits for mammals, marsupials and orthopods.  That said, the late Mr. Joerg, a piranha genital merchant who was my client, died as a result of attending a dinner and winding up the main course by several thousand of HIS clients.  Sucked to be him.
 
At any ate, he was devoured without a will, now I want to present your name to the late Mr. Joerg's clients, who will positively sh*t themselves if they think they failed to properly eat him. 
 
Depending on where you live, this will be alright I am pretty sure; unless you live near aquatic scenes where the late Mr. Joerg's clients can come check you out and plan a supplemental banquet.  Just hang tartar sauce outside your house and pour cocktail sauce in your toilet...that should do it.
I need your information so that I can show you to the bank as next of kin to Late Mr. Joerg; however perverse and peculiar his chosen profession, it had to have had some degree of lucrative to it financially, and I want it because the cheap bastard never paid me for my services, which were considerably inane.   Please provide name and full address, your age, profession and position, address, email not mail.ur and mobile number for contact purposes.
 
Please reply via personal e-mail, so I will send more details of Mr. Joerg you need to know like who at the bank he was preparing to change into a female manatee...
tundeequitychambers5@gmail.com 
+22999449772
Thanks
Bannister larry tundaphish     
 
 
I apparently succeeded sorta:
 
 
asshole  
 
 
Is that where your eaten client started or ended his gender change operations?  You of all people would know.  
 
 
He didn't care to discuss it further, I guess...
 
 

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Friday, June 9, 2017

Thighborg

Meet Vera Mensah, scammer from Ghana.  Not that she introduced herself as such.

No, she's got some kind of a gold scam she's trying to work here.

She proved easy to side track though...it all starts here with her opening gambit:


I am Miss. Vera Mensah, i am 28 years of age and i am single residing in Tema Ghana with my mum and younger sister my father is late and my late father work as Personnel Maneger to Kenoli Gold Mining Company Limited Ghana. 
I have choose you to assist me not by own doing my dear but by the special grace of God most gracious the most merciful. When my father was still alive he deposited a box of Gold worth 150KG worth  millions of dollars with a security company on my behalf but he instructed them through his lawyer that the treasure box should be released to me only when am married or if i present my future husband or a Trustee this has made things difficult for me because for now am still single. I really need your assistance so that the security company can release this treasure box after which i shall come to your country and settle down with you and complete my education the death of my father cut short my education and i did not finish in the university.
Please i will like you to assure me that you will keep this very transaction and myself secret pending the release of the treasure box. I will be expecting your immediate reply and your assurance to keep this very transaction secret without involving or disclosing it to a third party and am sorry for my late response.Attached to this mail is my pictures and i will appreciate if you can send yours too so that i can know you better. Finally, I can send you sample of the Gold which you can take to any Gold dealer and confirm it but this can only be done when i must have presented you as my future husband or husband so that they can make it official.
Miss Vera.  
 
 
And of course, she included the picture you see as her bona fides.
 
My character took it a different direction immediately:
 
 
Sorry, cain't hep ya.....yo thighs is too fat.  
 
 
That hit a noive:
 
 
Well am surprised with your response are we talking about thighs or the business at hand? I need you to be my trustee please.    
 
 
 Ah'm talkin' bout yo thighs. They too fat.  
 
 
My thighs has nothing with you being my trustee OK? Leave the thighs and be my trustee   


Be up front: your thighs are fat. Admit the obvious and we can begin to discuss business.  


My thighs are not fat.  What is wrong with you?  


If your thighs aren't fat, then what's up with the photo you sent?  The woman in that photo is you?  that woman has fat thighs.  Admit it.  Fat   thighs.  


Are your thighs fat?  


Not like yours.  


Are you going to forget my thighs and be my trustee or not?  


Are you going to admit that you have fat thighs so we can proceed with business or not?  


What is it with you and my thighs?  


They're fat, that's what.  


Don't write to me any more.


Fine..but you'll still have fat thighs.  


...the 'thighs' have it.  The measure is passed...

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Tuesday, June 6, 2017

More Online Job Scams And The Resume To End All

Not having a job sucks.  At least to those of us that understand the value of work.

Then there are welfare cheats, liberals, millennial cupcakes...and online scammers.

Online scammers like to use the scam of representing an online employer with an offer one can't refuse.

This one can, but I digress.

Here's a badly played scam:

Jaka Construction Company Canada. 

Email id: jakarecruitmenthelpdesk@hotmail.com
 
ATTN: Applicant,                                                 
You are hereby notified that your qualifications and experiences which you submitted at a job finding site were found suitable for the requirements of Jaka Construction Company Canada. For verification and screening you are to submit your updated Resume/CV copy as soon as possible. to our email below for job consideration Email id jakarecruitmenthelpdesk@hotmail.com
 
Your Swift response give you a chance to secure a job with this noble company. 
Yours Faithfully.  
 
 
Neither I nor my character had submitted anything to a job finding site.  But that's okay; they're soliciting a resume, and a resume they gonna git: 
 

Here's the resume you requested.

Jack N Ewehoff

Resume 

OBJECTIVE:  to get someone to support me in a manure to which I am totally unaccustomed and highly unworthy of, but am willing to adapt to, 'cuz it beats working for a living.  Besides, I need SOMEONE to pay me, so'z I can keep sending my pet rock to all kinds of exotic locations (where such locations are reachable by UPS; cruise missiles and military strike drones are rather abrupt and unilateral).
 
EXPERIENCE:  extensive.  Not useful, but extensive.
 
WORK HISTORY:
2012-Current   Danged if someone don' think I'm a good employee.  Long as I can keep 'em fooled, awesome.
2011-2012   Dun a couple thangs h'yar and thar.  Since I'm no longer thar but h'yar -- see previous -- the thars were best left along a road side ditch in Arkansas.
1996-2011   A few times during that time frame, they actually wangled a full days' worth out of me.  I was getting better at avoiding that, just when phffffffft , the gravy train derailed.  I was lucky to survive the dog stampede in the aftermath.
 
2000-Current   To avoid having to get a life, I scambaited online email scammers who contacted me, which I made easy for 'em cuz I planted my email addresses in likely locations the scammers harvest for suckers.  To date, I have successfully baited over 1,500 (est) scammers in that time, and been promised approximately $5.6 billion USD along the way.  To date, I have actually collected, in actual money, the equivalent of 1/100,000th of a snail's spit.  But on paper, I be like Bernie Madoff, without the federally-funded digs and sucky jump suits.
 
1995-2009   I also chased tornadic thunderstorms, driving thousands of miles, coping with all sorts of weather of dubious meterocedence and worse intent, taking bookoo pictures...and getting not much for it, but mileage on de cahr, and branded as 'nuts' by those who think they know me.  They're getting righter every year.
 
1992-1996   I did a variety of things, almost none of which was productive, like fer instance:
  • I worked in a quality control job in an ordnance factory, quality inspecting 81mm mortar rounds.  Until they saw how I was testing them, that is.  But it's okay...I'm completely healed, and insurance handled the rest.
  • I was hijacked by a UFO, taken away to a far away planet, and forced to appear on an alien talk show...I think it was Jerry Riveratoid.  I got sent back because I farted during the show, which, in that environment, was akin to a WMD.  I think the axis of their orbit was affected, too.
  • I had my non-existent company, Bonco, UnInc., make up a whole slew of products for people to buy that will never work.  Kinda like Ronco and K-Tel.  But Bonco's still around.  Neener.
  • I received federal grant money to prove that the wiggliing of my ears doesn't cause global warming.  It was revoked when I caused a magnetic anomaly that sent the USS Nimitz briefly back to 1941, where it almost screwed up history.  My bad.
  • Though, in 2010, wiggling my ears on February 2, caused Punxsutawny Phil to misforecast the end of winter.  He got blamed.  I'm still getting groundhog hate mail.
EDUCATION:
  • A BS, masters and a pHd in crustaceanology from the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  Which I used to bait a subscription scammer in '05, Madison's Who's Who.  Even they had to laugh when they figgered it out.
  • An Associate Degree in Administration of Justice from a local community college; what a waste.  I liked donuts without the damned degree.
  • One afternoon out behind the wood shed with Mary Lou, where I learned that cooties wuz a myth.  And I also learned somethin' else:  I had sub Olympic-quality sprint speed, outrunning her daddy's 12 gauge rock salt protest...
  • And what I learnt at a young age about electricity, conductivity, and YOWZA, all from being talked into peeing on an electric fence...*woo*
REFERENCES:
 
Furnished upon request; I'll need time to collect a few of the scammer emails to use as references.  Folks who know me never admit it when they're sober.  
 
 
 I expect this to get me ten thousand times as many scam job offers as it gets me real ones...


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Saturday, June 3, 2017

Vhat Das Phock?

Sometimes, the old fits the new.

Got an email from an online scammer that was playing the "online loan firm" ploy.

For their name, they chose "Eastern Alliance Loan Firm".

*TOING*

For those of you that remember the movie and TV series Battlestar Galactica, they had themselves a bit of a row with reprehensibles of the Eastern Alliance.

Kim Jong Un would have approved, as would Herr Schicklgruber.

At any rate, here was their original ploy:


15th December, 2016

Hello, Do you need a personal loan or business loan without stress and quick
approval? If yes, contact contact Eastern Alliance Loan Firm today as we offer
loan to all categories of seekers be it companies or for staff usage. We offer
loan at 3% interest rate, Contact us via email: (
e.a.l.m@outlook.com) The
Eastern Alliance Loan Firm, operates as a mortgage broker that specializes in
arranging long term commercial and residential real estate loans.

We hope to hear a quick response from you.
Best Regards,
Christian Anderson
Manager Eastern Alliance Loan Firm  


Eastern Alliance Loan Firm, eh?  Well, two can edit that game:

Hiel Schicklgruber!
Du in das need of das loanensee middout stress undt strain?  Ist das
credit undt glockenspiel neinen up to das credit reporten?  If ja,
maken zee contact midde Eastern Alliance Loan Firm today undt ve
shall offer du a loan midde vhat ve conzider a fair market rape of
285% compounden daily.
 
 
Vunce du sign ze papers, pig, ve shall be das schnitzel in das gruben fer das entirety midde flieger schiesse undt hundsfott undt udder schtuff.  Contact us via email: (e.a.l.m@outlook.com)
 
 
Das Eastern Alliance Loan Firm operates as an oppress undt financially rape
anyone vhat does business mid us.  Schnitzelbaum undt gesundheit.  Everything ist gesundheit!

Ve hope to hearen from du.
Sig Sauer,
Adolph Leiter
Commandant, Eastern Alliance Loan Firm



"Ve take our customers vun at a timensee undt screw das livingk schnarf outta dem!"  
 
 
So far, Eastern Alliance Loan Firm hasn't seed fit to accept me as a potential customer.

I can't see why...

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