Illiteracy Amongst Scammers Is Epidemic

Say hello to Wendy.  Wendy Willcox of the book The Adventures of Wendy Willcox and Her Dog Willis.  There's a reason I bring this up (looking at the picture usually threatens to bring up my previous meal)...one of my latest scammers is named Wendy Williams.

And is about as stupid as Willis.

Here's how Wendy Williams began her ploy with my character:

 PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP  

 

 

That was all.  So I just jumped right in, reminded of the Willcox character:

 

 

I've seen your dog.  I agree you need help.  

 

 

That, for the uninitiated, is Willis.


However, the reference to the dog meant nothing to Wendy Williams; all that mattered to 'her' was that my character apparently lived, breathed, and had a working email address that he had replied from:

My Dearest in the Lord:Moose,

Thanks for your urgent response to my email, I am very happy that you are ready to assist and work for humanity which proves that you are destined with a good heart. Working for charity is working for the Lord because this is what our Lord ordained. I read your mail and Really I understood that the few bad people in this world have spoilt image of the good ones and the bible said in HEBREWS -11-6 but without faith it is impossible to please him (GOD) for he that cometh to GOD must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarded of them that diligently seek him, I have know fear but faith. For all our wealth without Jesus, is vanity upon vanity.  I will like you to know that I have discussed with the banker who will  transfer the money to you this morning, attach on this mail is identification ,as you can see how sickness has turned me to be older than my age, but I am young in Christ ,for there is better life ,after death.

 

The banker said that they will need to hear from you first, so that they can explain the transfer procedure to you directly. Please see below the contact of the banker. I want you to contact the banker immediately you receive this email and also promise me one thing. That you will manage the money very well and I want to make sure I sign all the necessary documents needed Please Kindly Contact My banker on his contact information Above when I am no more as my days are numbered.

 

SEE THE BELOW CONTACTS
Contact person Ext 110 : MR. GWALA MASHABA
STANDARD BANK CREDIT MANAGER.
Tell+27 83-958-1842,

E-mail: gwalamashaba.standard@consultant.com

Please update me of your communication with the banker as soon as possible. I count on you; please keep praying for me as I will be praying for you too. Also let the congregation of the church you worship also pray for me.

Thanks and may the Grace of our Lord almighty be with you.

Your sister in the Lord.
Mrs. Wendy Williams
Tell +27-63-287-9558  

 

My email didn't have all that much to it, so either she is dyslexic (hence all the references to God rather than Dog) or simply illiterate; in which case email templates are a god/dogsend to those who follow in her scamsteps.

 

She even included what she billed to be a picture of her:

 

 

I gather that she's the one in the chair.  Or is the chair.

At any rate/fabric design, I decided to see if her banker was paying any better attention to what I writ than she was...thus went to the banker an edit of her email thus:

My Dearest in the Moose Lodge,

Thanks for your lackluster and skimpy respond to my email, I would be very very happy that you are ready to assist and work for humanity if you had said that in your email; instead, you referenced having seed my dawg and took it from that to suggest that I did, indeed, need help.

WTF?

Anyway, I don't have a dawg; I have a Babylonian River Dancing Spider Hamster named Hellary.  I also have a faux Indian chinchilla onyx named Fauxcahontas Warren; she's supposed to be someone famous in American politics for nothing in particular, though I think that I digress. 

The point is, that you bothered to reply proves that you are destined with a good heart until such time as you ladle its innerworkings with cholesterol and it locks up on you faster than a hellary supporter trying to say what she's accomplished.  Working for chastity is working for nothing around here, because something's always screwing something else in this part of the world.  And that is what our artificial deity ordained.

I had your mail read to me by the local witch doctor we rented from Azerbaijan and Really I understood that the few bad assholes won't spoil the whole bunch girl, which is a song by Michael Jackson before his nose imploded on South Park.  Some people in this world...people who eat people...are the lousiest people...in the world.  This led me to have spoilt image of the less edible ones and the good book that we use here -- Dr. Ruth's Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Try With A Groundhog -- said in Coffeemakance -11-6 that but without grounds it is impossible to please the customer for he that cometh to have caffeine and to not have it must believe that he is also short of bacon. 

Further, in the book of Flatulence - 1-1-1, is says that "phfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff" and that he is a rewarded of them that diligently seek a stealthy one cheek sneak;  I have knowd fear but I shall fear no flatus for I have a Glade Plug in and hurricane fan. For all our wealth without burritos, is vanity without propellance. 

Now to biscuits...I will like you to know that I have discussed with the banker who spoke to the candle dick maker who knows the muffin pan who lives on Oral Gum Drop Lane and will  transfer 65 aqueducks to a water hole in rural Ohio and bill it accordionly.  To help him help those who help themselves who vote for the Bern, attach on this mail is identification, as you can see how sickness has turned me into be a chair being sold at a Goodwill outlet in Sandusky. 

The banker said that they will need to hear from you first, so that they can explain how it is that a barking spider can clear an elevator almost as fast as a full size picture of Hellary in a butt thong.  Please see below the contact of the banker. With a name like the banker have, names like Schmuckers will no longer be the only thing suggestive of being good.  I want you to contact the banker immediately you receive this email and also promise me one thing:  you won't play William Hung's Favorite Vuvuzela Hits on YouTube and I want to make sure that you sign all the necessary documents that guarantee that YouTube will be spared that.  Kindly Contact My banker on his contact information Above when I am no more as my days are numbered because they tattooed a calendar on my ass and from the size of it they were able to cover a year and a half or so. 

Contact person Ext 110 : MR. GWALA MASHABA

WHEEL OF FORTUNE LETTER TURNER BECAUSE VANNA WOULDN'T COME HERE SINCE THE LOCALS WANTED TO EAT HER.
Tell+27 83-958-1842,

E-mail: mailto:gwalamashaba@outlook.com.com

Please update me of your communication with the banker as soon as plausible deniability is a word in Burundi. I count on you because counting on my ass is too terrible to contemplate and it breaks every mirror hereabouts; please keep donkeys from braying for me as I will be braying right back at them if the bastards start up. Also let the congregation of the Cheers watering hole know that Kirstee Alley doesn't wear as big a butt thong as Hellary does.

Your sister in the Jack Daniels billboard ad from Dribbleglass.

Show original message

Mrs. Wendy Williams
Tell +27-63-287-9558  

 

 

...and I included the above, so they'd maybe sorta get the reference.  


That reply was obviously NOT READ by her bank and her curiously named wanker banker:

From: Mr. Gwala Mashaba

Standard Bank Credit Manager

Tel: +27 -83-958-1842
Fax:+27-86-219-0342

Standard Bank, Pretoria Branch, South Africa  

Attn: Moose            

Re: Confirmation of the Procedures to effect the transfer of US$20.5Million funds into your bank account in overseas. 
 
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail for the fund transfer of Mrs. WENDY JANE WILLIAMS and she instructed me to contact you regarding the funds which she wants me to transfer to your account, I wish to inform you that I have a meeting with your partner Mrs. WENDY JANE WILLIAMS and I have proceeded with the transfer documents.

Firstly, before we proceed, We need to secure a Court Order and change all the documents of the said funds to your name as the next of kin/beneficiary of the above mentioned sum before we will transfer the funds to your account.

I want to inform you that if I proceed in this transfer without the court order to change the beneficiary to your name, it will be a waste.

Open your attach files herein and fill our bank form with your account details and return it back to us with a copy of your passport or drivers license for our bank record as to enable me transfer the funds into your account.
 
Do call me as soon as you get this mail.

Waiting for your anticipation.

Thank you. 

 

Regards,

 

  Mr. Gwala Mashaba

Standard Bank Credit Manager

Tel: +27 -83-958-1842

Fax:+27-86-219-0342

Standard Bank, Pretoria Branch, South Africa  

 

 

Since they don't seem to read anything:

 

How, oh how, oh how do we go about securing a court order for such a thing?  And does it come with sides?   No, make that a side of onion rings.  


stop emailing us.  


Why?  You started it.  I want my side of onion rings.  


Guess I'll have to go to Sonic for my onion rings...

 

 

 

The Art of Persuasive Suggestion

And how it should have had little to do here, but I'm not sure I digress.

The photos on the right really do deserve an explanation. And one shall be forthcoming. But first...an email that crossed my scambaiting crosshairs in the early part of February, read as follows:

Hello friend,

my name is William Wilcox. I work with the Euro Lottery. I am soliciting your assistance for a swift transfer of 4,528,000 GBP, should you be willing to assist me in this project? you will be giving me just 40% of your winnings.

It went on with additional fluff and nonsense, and then got down to the ratkilling part:

Just as a brief, you just have to register online, due to my position in th ecompany I can make it happen that you will be the winner of the above stated amount, less my percentage for helping you surmount the odds. I will understand if you are not of interest, but I feel in you I find a person willing to work with me to our mutual benefit.

Ooooooooooookay. I can take a backhanded slap like that. And I can give it back, too, in a manure that William Wilcox might not recognize as one:

Friend? Are we acquainted? I don't see you in my rolodex. But no matter...are you related, by chance, to Wendy Willcox?

Which gives me a chance to 'splain the photos...back in '02, I came across a scambaiter who did his 'baiting' under the guise of Wendy Willcox (pictured above), and her companion dog Willis (the other picture; I'll leave it to the readers to figure out which is which). He even published a book, The Adventures of Wendy Willcox and her dog Willis, that had to do with his scambaits under the Wendy Willcox nom de gag.

I had borrowed the photo of "Wendy" for use in a barlight blog entry, as well as to insult a scammer's "attorney", but otherwise, it and the dawg had sat in my photo queue, genetically decomposing. Until now.

At first, I didn't think the decomposition would suffer any interruption, as Mr. Wilcox didn't respond immediately. But after 5 days, he did:

Hello, thanks to you for responding to my email, I am not related to Wendy Willcox, sorry. And then he went on to explain to me how, from his position within the Euro Lottery, he had spent two years setting up his gambit, and how he'd found me through reliable sources on the Internet and that this project is 100% risk and hitch-free provided you follow my instructions completely.

Sure...I could play along as has been my own SOP with past scams; but I wasn't ready to let go of the Wendy Willcox angle here:

You're NOT related to Wendy Willcox? Dang...too bad. I would have worked with you on ANYTHING, WITHOUT QUESTION, if you were related to Wendy Willcox.

After three days and no reply, it appeared that we were done. Then came Day Four:

Hello,

I am pleased to tell you that after I think this over more, I am related to Wendy Wilcox. the way you spell it confused me. Wendy is my brother's daughter. i am glad that you are known to Wendy? So now can we proceed with the project?

Oh indeed, we can proceed alrighty, but not before:

Mr. Willcox (I got him to agree that he knows Wendy; let's see if I can get him to adjust the spelling of his name, too), I am thrilled to learn that after 8 years, through you, I have found Wendy Willcox! This is, indeed, a great day for me! As I agreed earlier, I will do whatever you ask of me on the aforementioned project; but first, will you have Wendy get ahold of me? This is MOST IMPORTANT before we proceed. Give her my email address and have her contact me.

The next day, I don't get an email from Wendy Willcox, or her dawg, Willis. I do get this from William Wil(l)cox *smirk*:

Hello, i regret i am not able to contact Wendy for you, so if it please, can we get to the business now at hand?

Since William has gone from not knowing Wendy, to remembering Wendy, and then changed his last name spelling for to draw me into his game, I owed it to him to be a bit more...stubborn:

William, I am adamant when I say unto you that I will do anything you ask, AFTER I HAVE SPEAKS WITH WENDY, and NOT BEFORE. So communicate with her for me and give her my email address. You want your 40%? Git 'er done. And that doesn't mean YOU doing her...keep it contextual.

Bear in mind here that I have never given this clod a name, and of course he is clueless about Wendy Willcox -- unless he does a google search, at which time he might put two and two together, add three, carry the five, and come up with 22,000 telephone poles an hour -- but in order to get me to do what I said I'd do, I get this next from his email addy:

Hello, its me, Wendy Willcox...it has been long the time, yes? I miss on you. will you now consent to work with William Willcox on his project? it will mean so much to me, and I remember you good that you will do this.

Ah, the art of persuasive suggestion.

But now that I've "heard" from Wendy Willcox...what IS one to do? It takes me all of a few seconds to decide:

WENDY!!!! Dadgum it, you Ozark heifer, it's been a coon's age! I never thought to lay font on you again in this lifetime, Wendy! Do you still look the same after all these years? And is Willis still with you, or did you stuff and mount him, as you swore you would when he went to Dawgie Heaven, after chasing one too many parked cars?

I will never forget that moonless night in Farmer Letch's wood shed, Wendy, the first time we met. How the total darkness made you so...seductive and inviting. How fumbling and bumbling I first was, in the blush of my budding manhood, at once shy and anticipatory, all thumbs trying to undo your training bra, and inadvertently getting it snagged on your front teeth, and you playing like Willis, having a tug-of-war with me, there in the dark, until your bra *BWANGed* off your front tooth, getting caught in the rafters...and after some preliminary petting, and preparatory to my first-ever "roll in the hay", you striking your lighter, and by the light of a flickering BIC, my eyes beheld you for the very first time.

Really, Wendy, I ran screaming from the barn because you dropped your lighter in the hay, setting it on fire; it had NOTHING to do with what I saw. Well, practically nothing. Well okay, so maybe it did have something to do with it. Well okay, so maybe it had a great deal to do with it.

Well okay, Wendy...I thought I was about to have sex with one of Farmer Letch's llamas. Really.

But please don't take that personal, Wendy. I was young and inexperienced then, and I can assure you that in the years since, I ain't never ventured into bar or barnlighting again, without first checking for the gender of, and number of legs attached to, whoever I was with.

But that's in the past, perhaps even far enough to put me beyond the statute of limitations. At any rate, your uncle has it in mind to have me help him give me the business. Do you approve of his machinations? If you do, wag your tail and bark once for yes, twice for no. Getting excited and peeing on my shoe will be taken as a no.

I await your response.

And I still do. Perhaps William Wil(l)cox DID google Wendy Willcox and her dawg Willis, and figured out he wasn't gonna get his 40%.

If so, I reckon HE'LL think twice about bar or barnlighting, too.

Woof.