With A Name Like Hazmat, What DOES This Scammer Expect?

Scammers really should choose their names a bit more wisely.

Really.

It won't take you long to see what I'm talking about with this scammer:

"Dearest one,

 

Please I am writing this massage to you with a weight sorrow in my heart of which I know that is only you that can help me in this situation that I am now. Has a respected and human fearing person that you are.

 

I am so sorry to intrude into your privacy, I know you will be worried to know how are manage to know your email address, I saw your profile in the internet when I am looking for a reliable and trust worth person that I will hand over my fund to, of which I did not want you to say no, because I have prayed over it and see that is you that can help me.

 

I am Mrs. Sofia Hazmat and I have been suffering from breast cancer disease and the doctor told me that I have a few days to leave. I am from (Lhasa) China but based in Africa Burkina Faso since eight years ago, as a business woman dealing with gold exportation.

 

Now that I am about to end the race like this without any family members and no child, I decided to let you know that I have 2 Million US DOLLARS in Africa Development (Bank of Africa) Burkina Faso which I instructed the bank to give to St Andrews Missionary Home in Burkina Faso. But my mind is not at rest because I am writing this letter now through the help of my computer beside me sick bed.

 

I also have 6.5 Million US Dollars at Bank of Africa here in Burkina Faso and I instructed the bank to transfer the money to the first foreigner that will apply to the bank after I have gone, that they should release the fund to him/her, but you will assure me that you will take 50% of the money and give 50% to the orphanages home in your country for my heart to rest. I shall give you the email address for the bank if I received your positive reply from you through this private email address/ byc.by@aol.com.

 

PLEASE REPLY ME AGAIN WITH THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS

BELOW FOR MY CONFIRMATION:

1. Full Name:

2.Your age:

3. Sex:

4. Nationality:

5. Country of Residence:

6. Telephone Number:

7.Your marital status;

8. Your occupation;

9. Sand to me your picture;

10. You have to assured me that you will act has I have instructed you if the fund get to your account.

Yours fairly friend,

Madam Mrs. Sofia Hazmat"

 

I think you can see the obvious problem here:  to be scammed by any of these emails would be bad enough...to be scammed by one using the name of Hazmat...well, no one outside of New Jersey or the DNC would be that stupid.

 

I gave Seymour and Element the edit-off for this one...Jack N. Ewehoff will take a turn:

 

 

From: Mrs. Sofia Hazmat <mrsm.aryamj@aol.fr>
Sent: Saturday, November 9, 2019 12:03 PM
Subject: Dear Ridiculously Dressed One in a Unicorn Yoga Pants One Piece  

Dear Ridiculously Dressed One in a Unicorn Yoga Pants One Piece,

 

Please I am writing this massage to you with a weight stuck in my aorta of which I know that is only place where blood flows up and outwards, or is it down and to the other head...if I were male, I would be expected to know this and forget it during periods of arousal, but that's not important now.  What my template tells me to say is that you can help me in this situation that I am now, since Ray Harryhausen is daid and he took all his sword-fighting skeletons with him that might have protected me from Hellary's suicide flying monkey squadrons.  Because I have her emails.  And soon she'll assume that you do too.

 

 

I am so sorry to intrude into your privacy now that you know that I have Hellary's emails, so you might want to make suicide preparations too.  Jeffrey Epstein didn't.  I know you will be worried because this scene was put into Airplane after being cut from Mars Attacks, though the chronology doesn't really work there, but I just wanted you to know that we're all counting on you, since you resemble an abacus.  I saw your profile in the internet when I am looking for a reliable chart that explains which of the 57 gender choices I am required to decide to be in order to be registered to vote democrap for the next hundred years I'm dead.  And when I found your profile, I immediately called the police and told them that it was you that stole their commode so now they can come to you and have something to go on.

Why this is so is because I have prayed over it and see that regardless of it being an empty Coke bottle, goat head baphomet or Illuminincompoop symbol, it is only you that can help me.

 

When I introduce myself you see immediately instanters why I need help:  I am Mrs. Sofia Hazmat and I have been suffering from being ceaselessly pursued by the EPA and OSHA ever since being born in the back seat of a Greyhound bus that dumped it's toilet contents on Highway 41.  Now they tell me that I have few days to leave and I'm not sure where to go.  I was told that you'd tell me where to go.

I hope that's not some joke thing from Monty Python's flying yoga pants.

I am originally from Uranus, but was relocated to (Lhasa) China in a failed TV mockudrama, so I had to settle for a job cleaning up around email terminals in a fly-infested internet cafe based in Africa Burkina Faso since eight years ago.  Having done this well, they promoted me to a business woman with a marked name, dealing with methane exploitation.

 

 

Now that I am about to end the race like this without any idea that my racing tyrannosaur tripped and fell out of the gate, I decided to let you know that I have a modest raunch in the Sonora Desert where at I have gradually raised a herd of 2 Million crotch crickets which are highly prized in Africa for their drumsticks.  Having learned that Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself led me to decide to donate all the proceeds from my Sonora Desert raunch to Burkina Faso which I instructed the bank to hose down generously with anti-bacterial douche formula, before bottling and marketing it to St Andrews Missionary Position Home in Burkina Faso.  Y'know...home of the inflatable Bela Pelosi sex toys that led to her husband not wanting to have sex with something that leaked and squeaked and looked like her.  So he refused cataract surgery and went with big framed Yugos instead. 

But my mind is not at rest because I am writing this letter now through the help of my computer beside me sick at knowing that all these years I've been named for a chemical spill. 

I blame that white cat meme that's so popular for the time being.

 

 

I also have 6.5 Million reasons that Hellary lost the election in 2008, 2016, 2020, and for any elections hence that she keeps herself alive to run in with her formaldehyde drips and cosmetic surgery that has her looking more and more like Kathie Griffin.

If you agree to help me with turning all of this into a made-for-cable movie about unicorn sex therapists invading Liechtenstein, I will instruct the bank in Burkina Faso to transfer all I have there to the first foreigner that texts the nation-wide key word to 200-200 on the hour, and I will ask that you wait to do so after I have gone, so that they can't give me shit about having told you to do that. 

My email isn't byc.by@aol.com but it belongs to someone who'll wonder WTF when you write to them.

 

 

PLEASE REPLY ME AGAIN WITH THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS

BELOW FOR MY CONFIRMATION THAT EPSTEIN DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF OR KENNY ON SOUTH PARK:

1. Full Name:

2.Your age:

3. Your Sex:

4. Your Nationality's Sex:

5. Country of Sexual Residence:

6. Telephone Number Sex And If It's Any Good:

7.Your marital status;

8. Your marital's sex;

9. Is your marital any good at sex:

10. Is your marital the one screaming at the white cat in all those memes:

11. Sand to me your picture or a picture of someone other than the white cat in the meme;

You have to assured me that you will act has I have instructed you if authorities in Liechtenstein have been in touch with authorities on Uranus and they've also figured out by now that Epstein didn't kill himself.

Your fairly toxic friend,

Madam Mrs. Sofia Hazmat  

 

 

Neither I nor the break-taking pet rocks thought to hear from Ol' Sofia after this edit. 

We were wrong.

Next up:  Part 2.

 

Pet Rocks On Scammer Investment Inquiries

My "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, loves it when scammers write to him seeking investment ideers.

He likes the ideer that a pet rock is not taken for granite in areas of international finance.

*pet rock face palm*

Okay, so it's a lode to think a pet rock knows anything about international finance...but this particular pet rock knows a thing or two about international finance scams.

Like this one:

From: Mr.Albert F.Meyer & Partners

EMAIL: (albert.gf.meyer@gmail.com)

Good day.

 

I have decided to contact you through this medium after reviewing your honorable and reputable profile. I have been briefed by a reputable consultant friend of mine that you, your partners and clients have very credible and attractive investment projects/ opportunities and you, your clients and partners may also be interested and in need of a private investment loan OR Joint Venture Partnership financing to establish a new projects or to expand/ improve and accomplish your desired project (s). It is my belief that with your position as a professional, that you will be in position to present us with solid investment opportunities.

Presently I represent a private group of reputable Investor, H.E. Ali Shareefn Emadi, Minister Of Finance, Qatar Petroleum (www.qp.com.qa) and his partners who are ready, willing and able to provide you, your clients and partners assistance with International Private Loans and Joint Venture Partnership Project Finance to establish new projects or to improve your present Investment capacity and productivity. Kindly endeavor to specify in your return mail if you need a PRIVATE INVESTMENT LOAN OR IF YOU NEED JOINT INVESTMENT PARTNER and I will provide you with the proceedings, terms and conditions accordingly.

If you have a solid business project or plan of making good profit in any viable business sectors in your COUNTRY and beyond, kindly write me for possible business co-operation. The principal investors are ready to facilitate and fund any credible business venture provide you, your clients and partners will nominate capable of generating good annual return on investment (AROI) on their investment through their contacts with Prime Banks, Finance Houses and Fund Portfolio Managers in EUROPE, ASIA, MIDDLE EAST, AMERICA and AFRICA within 3 to 5 days as long as you are ready to comply with the legal requirements,proceedings, terms and conditions of our Contract Agreement/ Transaction.

AT THE SAME TIME THEY WILL PAY YOU A 2% BROKER'S COMMISSION IF YOU INTRODUCE A CREDIBLE PROJECT OWNER WHO IS INTERESTED AND IN NEED OF CREDIBLE FINANCING FOR HIS OR HER PROJECT.

For Further details, Contact us only via our email as  follows: (albert.gf.meyer@gmail.com)

Regards,

Mr.Albert F.Meyer & Partners  

 

 

After Seymour consulted with his fellow pet rock Element -- and they agreed that they were out of their 'element' with this scam -- "are NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"...they decided to give it their best editing shot and respond in a manure the scammer couldn't help but be confounded by:

 

 

From: Mr.Albert F.Meyer & Partners <message@insightbb.com>
Sent: Friday, November 8, 2019 8:31 AM
Subject: From: Mr.Albert F.Meyer & Partners LSD  

From: Mr.Albert F.Meyer & Partners LSD

EMAIL: (albert.gf.meyer@gmail.com)

Good day.

I have decided to contact you through this extra-large after reviewing your ad hork and reptilian profile. I have been debriefed by a disreputable gang of baboon underwear thieves that you, your partners and clients have been warned about if you travel to this Third World Democrap Hole (aka, dung heap).  It is my belief -- my unshakeable belief -- that with your position as an octosexual orthopod in a 57-tiered gender lowerarchy advocated by LGBQs, BLTs, OMGs and WTFs, that you will be in position to present us with solid incorporeal obstreptics of the impeachable kind.  And we all know that we DNCers are all over impeaching, impearing, and/or just imphucking up whatever we can.  

Presently I represent a primate group of wide-ranging simians under the banner of H.E. Oooo Ahah Ali Shareefn Emadi, Monkester Of Vinenance, Qatar Petroleum and his oblivious partners who are ready, willing and able to be as stupid with you as they were with them. Kindly endeavor to specify in your return mail if you need a frontal lobotomy or bottle in front o me OR IF YOU NEED JOINT PAIN RELIEF from having stuck your joint in too many unfamiliar and uncooperative niches in your COUNTRY and beyond, kindly write me for how possible it is to give you the business as I've endeavored to do across all the continents of this orb.

The principal primates engaged in incestuous activities are ready to facilitate anything remotely Arkansas-like, long as it doesn't run them afoul of Hellary Clinton and her ongoing Who's-To-Blame-For-Her-Losing-in-2016 carpfest. 

We'll even think about something remotely akin to any incredible business venture provided you, your clients and partners will nominate capable of generating good anal expellants that send AOC into sphincter spasms of world-ending agony.

Operators in EUROPE, ASIA, MIDDLE EAST, AMERICA and AFRICA are standing by with bated breath -- likely tuna -- for your contact as long as you are ready to comply with what we claim are the legal requirements, proceedings, terms and conditions of our Contract Agreement/ Transaction.  All of which is dung we make up like Schiff makes up for impeachment rules that suit his pencil neck dildoism.

AT THE SAME TIME THEY WILL CHARGE YOU A 2% BROKER'S COMMISSION, intended to make you broker than at the start of this email.

For Further details, Contact us only via our email as  follows: (albert.gf.meyer@gmail.com)

Regards,

Mr.Albert F.Meyer & Partners LSD

..we tried crack and it phucked with our heads too much

While it came as no surprise to me that the pet rock dual edit went unresponded to by the scammers, I quickly assured them that it got them added to Hellary's list of reasons she lost in 2016.

I never saw two happier pet rocks...until I reminded them that Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself...

 

Belief System FAIL

For some, it's all in the belief system being employed that matters.

For others -- especially scammers -- it's all about ad hoc hellary hokum.

Jeffrey Epstein knows about that.

For those neither atheist or agnostic, they might understand where this particular scammer is attempting to come from:


Dearly beloved,

It is now up to you:  God has a purpose for directing me to contact you to work together in helping the needy ,this is a charity venture inspired by God which will bless you as you go by his ways, i'm donating the sum of $47.5 Million unitedt states Dollars into this charity venture through you and you are to get 20% for your efforts, futher instructions will be given to you once i get your response

Stay Blessed
Scott Colimore  


My pet rock, Seymour, shied away from editing this one, not wanting to upset the Great Disposer of Events.  My other pet rock, Element, went along.  That left it to my character, Jack N. Ewehoff, to chance a lightning bolt from above:


Which God?  


A simple question...and it got a simple answer:


What? 


Which God?  Surely you don't think that in this diverse world there is only one according to the DNC and CNN?  Do you reference the God of the Bible?  Or that exemplified by an empty Coke bottle to an African tribe?


I am not understand what you mean.  


Surely you can grasp that there are no absolutes in a world of 57 gender choices?   So it stands to reason that the Hindus follow a God.  The Buddhists follow and out-of-shape God.  The environmentalist whackos follow and scream about a tree stump Gawd.  Lest we forget the Wiccans, Hybrids, Huskerdoos, Rafanjarnians, Obliques, Excavationalists, Flat Earthers, Tastes Great vs Less Fillingists, Paper vs Plasticists, Non-Triggered Safe Zoneists, Constipationalists, et alists....so you see, there's a God for everyone, except agnostics who aren't sure and atheists who believe in nothing but the power of a fart in an elevator.  So surely you can see why I ask which God?  And yes, I called you surely.  


will you help me with this project or not?  


I will, just as soon as you explain which God sent you to me.  If it's a God that I sponsor, He gets a referral fee.

...from the silence that ensued, I can deduce that it wasn't a God that I had any referral fee agreement with...



 

South African Scammers...and Wheaties

Doesn't really matter what one does to spread the word:  some folks never learn.

Take this purported-to-be-from South Africa scammer for example:


We introduce South African Fraud Prevention Services (SAFPS) to you, with sole objective of stopping cyber-crime, Internet fraud, scams and money laundering in Africa, America and London (United Kingdom).

Since 2004 that the commission was founded we have succeeded in prosecuting and jailing over 7,500 in Africa, China, Malaysia, United States and UK and while over 6000 fraudsters are at various stage of prosecution. We have been able to stop the loss of millions of dollars by foreigners via deception with a promise of certain percentages in their letters requesting help to move certain funds and demanding money from their victims.

However the African and International Crime Fighters Commission-UN (AICFC) recently recovered over $422 Billion Dollars (Four Hundred and Twenty two Billion Dollars) from those apprehended and successfully prosecuted.

 We write you at this time as our investigations shows you are once a victim of this crime and In line with our objective to help recover and restore stolen or lost fund through cyber-fraud, this is to inform you that the government have approved the sum of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US $5,500,000.00), as fund to be return to you.

Kindly note, you may need to know that your payment of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United states Dollars (US$5,500,000.00) will be paid within 72hours through the International ATM CARD which will be issued in your favor.   Please find below other recent beneficiaries who got their international ATM Card successfully: Name: Donna L. Vargas: UPS Tracking Number: EO 989 255 511 US (www.usps.com), Name: Rovenda Elaine Clayton: UPS Tracking Number: 873944886796 (www.fedex.com/us).

How to Claim Refund: Fill in details of the following and send to the bank below,
Your Name:
Your Mailing address (Not P.O Box Please)
Your Direct Mobile Number:
Occupation:
Age:

BANK: ABSA BANK PLY.
OFFICE ADDRESS: 7th Floor Absa Towers West 15 Troye Street Johannesburg 2001.
CONTACT PERSON: Mr.James Nwangi (Payment Director)
EMAIL: mrjamesnwangi@mail2consultant.com

Regards
Mr.Clifford Mohlaloga
Executive Chairman
South African Fraud Prevention Services (SAFPS)  


I flipped a coin on who'd get this edit:  Seymour called it and was pissed when it didn't come to him.  So Element, my other "editing pet rock gone wild" drew this edit that went back to SAFPS and assordid friends:



From: support@edutaintment.com.my <support@edutaintment.com.my>
Sent: Wednesday, October 30, 2019 10:21 PM
To: Recipients <support@edutaintment.com.my>
Subject: Re: URGENT:  STOP EATING WHEATIES...LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO BRUCE JENNER  

We introduce South African Fraud Propagation Services (SAFPS) to you, with sole objective of spreading cyber-crime, Internet fraud, scams and money laundering in Africa, America and London (United Kingdom).  It's what we do.  It's all we're about.  Spread it like a cheap whore's legs!

Since 2004 that the commission was founded we have succeeded in propagating and profiting from over 7,500 in Africa, China, Malaysia, United States and UK and while over 6000 fraudsters are at various stage of income re-distribution. We have been able to spread the loss of millions of dollars by foreigners via deception with an empty promise of certain percentages in their letters requesting help to move certain funds and demanding money from their victims.

However the African and International Crime Supporting Commission-UN (AICSC) recently recorded over $422 Billion Dollars (Four Hundred and Twenty two Billion Dollars) being spread from those that need scamming to those doing the scamming.  Yay for us!

 We write you at this time as our investigations shows you are not yet a victim of this crime and In line with our objective to help make you a victim through cyber-fraud, this is to inform you that the "government" (*snicker laugh titter ROAR*) have approved the sum of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US $5,500,000.00) that you need to be stupid enough to believe will be paid to you for a reasonable fee....

Kindly note, you may need to know that your payment of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United states Dollars (US$5,500,000.00) will be paid when unicorns outnumber domestic cattle in the USA by way of an ATM CARD which only works in zero gravity at two ATMs located on Uranus.   Please find below other recent beneficiaries who got their international ATM Card successfully: *listen to the Jeopardy Theme while you search in vain for those names*

How to Claim a Refund you'll never get: Fill in details of the following and send to the "bank" *insert rolled eyes emoji here* below,

Your Name:
Your Mailing address (Not P.O Box Please)
Your Direct Mobile Number:
Occupation:
Age:

BANK: ABSCONDS WID EVER'THANG BANK PLY.
OFFICE ADDRESS: 7th Floor ABSCONDS WID EVER'THANG Towers West 15 Troye Street Johannesburg 2001.
CONTACT PERSON: Mr.James Booga Wooga Nwangi ("Director"...*insert more rolling eye emojis*)
EMAIL: mrjamesnwangi@mail2consultant.com

Regards
Mr.Clifford Mohlaloga
Executive Chairtwot
South African Fraud Propagation Services (SAFPS)  

 

 

The scammer(s) figured out in short order that this template wasn't going to reap any harvest here.

 

The DNC still hasn't.

Facebook Faceplants Again

Scammers using either the democrap party or Faceplant as their source of choice to run a scam from, should know better.

Few things in life are bigger and better-knowd scammers than the dems and Faceplant.

Still, scammers try.  Like this one:


FROM: THE DESK OF THE PRESIDENT.
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD.
BATCH NUMBER: FB-0281/544
SERIAL NUMBER: 99352748-2019
TICKET NUMBER: FB-172-60
CATEGORY: 2ND
The entire Facebook team are very happy to inform you that your name appeared on the FACEBOOK ONLINE INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY and we are giving out the total sum of US$2,000,000.00 (Two Million UNITED STATE DOLLARS) which is what you have just won.
Your name was selected in a raffle that was made for the FACEBOOK ONLINE INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY for the year 2019 with the lucky number (FB-225-7736) so we need your fast response so that we can proceed with the claim process of your winnings.
Your name was selected by Mr Mark Zuckerberg the CEO of Facebook (Founder & Chief Executive Officer ). The promotion was made to make all Facebook users to benefit from the profit the company made while they use Facebook, Facebook is the first and ever largest means of meeting both old and new friends, the promo was done to serve as a means of appreciation to visitors on our site and also to help people to fight off poverty and to maintain a good standard of living, kindly contact Mr. Thomas Charles the Facebook Promo Coordinator and appointed as your claims officer via this email (facebookonlineinfo01@usa.com) immediately with the following information about you below:
Full Name:
Residential Address:
Private Mobile Number:
Date Of Birth
Occupation:
As soon as he gets your email with all the information stated above he will tell you on what next to do as regards the claiming and receiving of your winnings of US$2,000,000.00
Congratulations to you again on your winnings in the Facebook Promo 2019, we do hope you be among the lucky winners of the 2020 Lottery
Note: For security reasons and due to the mix-up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this notification strictly from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by non-participants of this program. BE WARNED
FACEBOOK COMPANY
LOTTERY DEPARTMENT  


My pet rock, Seymour, was tied up with another edit, so he left this one to Element to attend to.  And since we all know that elements never forget....:


From: Faceplant Company <marketing@vit34.vn>
Sent: Thursday, October 31, 2019 3:00 PM
To: Recipients <marketing@vit34.vn>
Subject: COAGULATIONS TO YOU FROM THE FACEPLANT COMPANY

 

FACEPLANT ONLINE INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY
FROM: THE DESK OF THE PRESIDENT.
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD.
BATCH NUMBER: FP-0281/544
SERIAL NUMBER: 99352748-2019
TICKET NUMBER: WTF-172-60
CATEGORY: ADAMSCHIFFED CLUSTERF**K'D

The entire Faceplant team are very meth'd up while informing you that your name appeared on the US HOUSE OF REPREHENSIBLE DEMOCRAPS INTERNATIONAL SCAM and we are giving you a subpoena to testify during our impearment hearings to a talking points thing that will have you implicate the president in being a bad person.  You must do this because everything else we've concocted and tried has blowd up in our fouled faces.

Your name was selected in a raffle that was throwd together by the desperate lowlifes of the DNC in conjunction with cnn who don't like the fun you've made of them being as bad as they truly are.  You are required to come here and testify that you overheard the president promise the Ukraine a shipment of ice-cream crapping unicorns if they would provide proof of all the democraps that have connections in Ukraine oil and gas interests, which pretty much covers top House dems, a current and former dem running for president, and a couple of rinos we've sucked into our deep state miasma.  So we need your fast response so that we can proceed with the inquiry before people smarter than us -- which is the majority of Americans -- figure out just how crooked and corrupt Schiff, Bela Pelosi and the rest really are.

Your name was selected by Mr Mark Zuckerberg the CEO of Faceplant (Founder & Chief Executive Officer) after he had words with Lieawatha and the dumbest tree stump in the dem party, aoc. Plus we heard that the president might consider your name as a future Burrito Supreme Court justice, wherein we need time to find someone that will say you behaved inappropriately to them 36-40 years ago, when you asked for their phone number.  NOW -- our other dawg imitations -- demand that we do this.  It doesn't matter if we have to pay someone to make the claim like we did with Kavanaugh; it's the ludicrousness of the charge that matters to us in our swamp of corruption.

We would have considered using someone else if we weren't pissed at you for not voting for our broom-rider of choice in 2016; how could you DO that???  Do you know how many 'suicides' have occurred because she lost???  And that any of us could be next on her 'staged suicides' list??? 

We are the entitled.  We are the elite.  We were put on Earth by a Coke bottle inadvertently deified in the African bush in a movie to be the ruling class.  We are also full of inert shit, but we can overlook that once we have the powah.  The authoritah.  Without us, climate change will be a cyclical thing that no one will worry about and truth be told, wouldn't have to, but we need it as a means to an end...that end being our getting total powah over you meaningless serfs.

We are democraps...that is what we believe and we deserve.

So anyway, you are subpoenaed to appear.  Don't worry about what to say...we have your statement already writ.  You just say it and then go the way of David Hogg...back to useless obscurity.  You mean nothing when we don't need you for our own foul ends.  We're democraps...that's all we ever were.

Faceplant is the first and ever largest means of taking advantage of the sheeple and useful idiots out there to promote our totalitarian aims.  It is NOT to help you to fight off poverty and to maintain a good standard of living; that is reserved for our elites only.  That's why Bernie Sanders has three homes, and you rent.  Haha.

So you are demanded to contact the gender neutral non-binary octosexual orthopod Thomaseena Charles the Faceplant Coordinator and appointed as your mastah via this email (facebookonlineinfo01@usa.com) immediately with the following information about you below:

Full Name:
Residential Address:
Private Mobile Number:
Date Of Birth
Occupation:

As soon as it gets your email with all the information stated above it will tell you on what next to do as regards your appearing before our House crimeittee and receiving of your talking points to spew for cnn and ms13nbc cameras.

Congratulations to you for not as yet winding up on Hellary's pending 'suicides to do' list.

Note: For security reasons and due to not all media being under our heel on this, we demand that you keep this notification strictly from public notice until you has been processed and your testimony falsely verified. This is part of our security protocol to avoid yet another FAIL in our life-long efforts to imcherry a president we only hated after he ran against and beat Hellary. 

Attempting to expose us as unscrupulous acts BE WARNED.

FACEPLANT COMPANY
US HOUSE OF REPREHENSIBLES DEMOCRAP PARTY  

 

My two 'editing-gone-wild' pet rocks have the Democrap party pretty well figured out it seems.  No replies...even from the original scammers.

Eunuchs United..Sorta

These two aliens just figured out what the edit meant.

The originating scammer...nawp.

Here's what the latest idjit tried to sell as a legitimate email:


Dear Email Owner,


The United Nations in affiliation with World Bank have agreed to compensate your email and few others with the sum of USD1.5M each. Contact Mrs. Onari Duke with your code:U.N.C.C/UBA/2019XCH1986/10 for more information. 

Card Issuance Bank: UBA Group
Contact Name: Mrs. Onari Duke
Email: unccclaims.onariduke@gmail.com

Yours Faithfully,

Mark Lowcock
United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs  

I was amused that the originating scammer used the initial address of some media sort in the UK, before posting the one in the body of the scam to reply to.

I sure hope that UK media dork is pleased.

My pet rock, Seymour, was unavailable to editing duties, so his pal Element -- my elephant-looking pet rock -- was happy to step up and apply his two cents to the edit:



From: E/N-org <Joe.Mclean@virginmedia.co.uk>
Sent: Sunday, October 20, 2019 12:33 AM
Subject: Eunuched Nations Office for the Coordination of Reptilians Having Affairs

 

Dear Email Owner,

Aren't you one sorry shortness of breath that you opened THIS email this morning?  Ph**king 'A right you should be.

The Eunuched Nations in affiliation with assordid entities we might cite here that suck every bit as bad as we do have agreed to send this totally abject crap of an email to your email and few others with the promised sum of USD1.5M each. In actuality...five of you will get USD one dollar, and the rest will get a certificate authorizing them one proctology exam by an emu that has no idea what it's been contracted to do.  And won't do it well.

Contact Mrs. Onari What The Duck Duke with your code: ENCC/UBA/OMG/WTF2019XCH1986/10 for more pathetic, useless information that makes us laugh to think of you scrambling around to get this sent, thinking it's worth potentially a USD single dollar bill. 

Door knobs are smarter than you.  And are at least two authentic uses ahead of you, especially if you're a moronic democrap. 

Card Issuance Bank: None Real Banks Would Take It
Contact Name: Mrs. Onari What The Duck Duke
Email: unccclaims.onariduke@gmail.com

You won't get anything in reply that's remotely useful to you; just more of this kind of ca-ca.  That's what we of the Eunuched Nations do.  Just like our pals at the equally useless Democrap National Crimemittee. 

 Mark Nocock

Non-binary gender neutral eunuch coordinator and former Ken doll sick of Barbie's and NOW's crap,
Eunuched Nations Office for the Coordination of Reptilians Having Affairs

"..if you didn't see one thing in here about reptilians having affairs, you haven't talked to Bill Clinton lately.."

 

Element was disappointed that the originating scammer had no follow-up questions...or anything else to inquire about.

 

He is wondering if this will get him on a future 'Future Suicided Friends of Bill 'n Hellary' list...

Such A Lovely Scam

The template seems a popular one:  a scammer contacts my character to find out if my character is alive or dead, and inform him that someone is trying to claim my character's "fund" by claiming he's dead.

*Yawn*

My character can usually drive the scammers on these a bit insane with a simple demonstration of total indifference and generosity.

Here's the latest ploy:


Attention,Dear Email Address Owner,

How are you today? I am Mr Mohamed Usman a delegate from the united nation office regrade of your Fund,your name and your email address is
listed Three person to paid Win VICTIMS Compensation fund $4,500,000 million each and your Name and your mail address is listed approved to
pay the Compensation fund,Mr Roy Martin said you have sent them to claim the fund as next of kins of the fund and He forwarded us address
below to send the fund $4,500,000 million on your behalf to them? are you where of this person? or do you want person to claim your payment?
get back to us immediately to avoiding release your payment fund to wrong person.

Name..Mr Roy Martin
ADDRESS..1121 Odena RD Sylacauga,AL - Florida 35150
> Telepone..1-296-080-6501

Do you sent any person to claim your fund or not?i am writing to let you know if this is true or not.edited in this transfer is $4,500,000 million and is a huge amount of money and this man is getting us confusing on what he is saying.We wish to inform you that United Nation and the (ECOWAS) have instructed us to send you the sum of $4,500,000 million.from your winning VICTIMS Compensation fund,$5000 dollar will sent to you twice daily $10,000 dollar through Money Gram office as first collection of which you will be recovering every day until the total sum of $4,500,000 million is completely transfer to you.

This is the final notice you are going to receive the payment from Money Gram office,do you get me? I hope you understand how many times this message has been sent to you or are you not ready to receive your fund? Which have been mapped to your name today,moreover reconfirm your full information to the Money GRAM office to pick up your first payment of $5000 dollar daily without delay,Contact Money Gram Agent ( Mr Tony Brawn ): on this Tel:+: +2296934673017.

Kindly Contact Money Gram Agent:
( Mr Tony Brawn )
 Reply To This Email: ((( moneygramofiicce@gmail.com ))).
Tel:+: +2296934673017
Preferred Payment Method

As result of the information we got I told them to wait until I hear from you today or tomorrow,to know if you are still interested or not to receive this fund.lets release your full Reference of your $5000 installment once we confirm your information's as soon as you receive this message response.

YOUR FULL NAME:........
YOUR FULL CONTACT ADDRESS:.........
YOUR COUNTRY:.....................
YOUR MOBILE PHONE NUMBER:............
YOUR MARITAL STATUS AND AGE:.

IMF Agent
Mr Mohamed Usman.  


Of course, my character is supposed to respond that he's alive and wants his fund. 

*Wink snort guffaw*

But my character is not so minded...witness thus:


Yes, I did send other people to collect teh fund.  Yes I did, yes I
did, yes I did, and they thank you.

In fact, I turned it into a big game of Pokémon Go, ACOWSASS style.

I sent an invite to the first 10,000 respondents and challenged them

all to go for the fund...the first that gets there, gets it.  They must

of course run the Nigerian/Benin obstacle course successfully,

surviving dying widows, deposed princes, witch doctors, fine young

cannibals, Australian cruise line jobs, UK banks, Russian mail-order

brides, hacked ATM cards, flying minkeys and getting blamed for

Hellary's 2016 election loss.  The latter might be the biggest

challenge of all.  Or not.  It didn't hurt South Park. 

 

I have shared your email with one and all participants so if Roy Martin

or any of the other 9,999 participants show up to claim the fund, I am

hereby releasing the fund to them, how so many of them show up to

file the claim.

 

I hope you have operators standing by, programmed to receive.  They

can check out any time they like, but they can never leave.  

 

This led to some cornfusion on the part of the originating scammer:

 

 

You cannot do this you say you do!  

 

 

Y'wanna bet?  Vegas says I'm an 8-5 favorite on this one.  Do you feel lucky?  Well do you, punk?

 

The silence that followed was enough to convince my character that no, the punk didn't.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ettu or Et You?

I get the impression that scammers from West Africa don't like it when my pet rock, Seymour, edits them in this particular manner.

To their further chagrin, Seymour doesn't seem to care.

"Don't!!!  PHFFFFFFTTT!"

Here's what Seymour did to another "dying inheritance" scammer from that neck of the woild:


ATTENTION PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
THIS MESSAGE IS COMING TO YOU FROM
HOSPITAL YALGADOGO BURKINA FASO

I apologize for interfering into your privacy and also forgive me for
stressing you with my predicaments as I know that this letter may come
to you as big surprise. Actually, I came across your E-mail from my
personal search afterward I decided to email you directly believing
that you will be honest to fulfill my final wish before i die. my name
Mr. Davi Williams 52 years old, from FRANCIS, I lost my wife and my four
year old son the year 2012, The shock of the death of my only child
and my wife made me become a high blood pressure patient
(HBP).

I am also suffering from a long time cancer and from all indication
my condition is really deteriorating as my doctors have confirmed and
courageously advised me that I may not live beyond a month from now
for the reason that my tumor has reached a critical stage which has
defiled all forms of medical treatment. Before this sickness came to
my life i was dealing on Gold Dust and Gold Dory Bars in Burkina Faso
till my sudden illness paralyze me here in the hospital, at this moment.

I have a total deposit sum of Nine million five hundred thousand US
dollars [$9,500,000.00] with one of the leading bank in Burkina Faso
but unfortunately I cannot visit the bank since I’m  critically sick
and powerless to do anything myself but my bank account officer
advised me to assign any of my trustworthy relative, friends or
partner with authorization letter to stand as the recipient of my
money but sorrowfully I don’t have any reliable relative and no child.

Therefore, I want you to receive the money and take 40% to take care
of yourself and family while 60% should be use basically on
humanitarian purposes mostly to orphanages home, Motherless babies
home, less privileged and disable citizens and widows.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall send you my pictures with full
contacts of my banking institution to communicate them on the matter.
Reply/respond through this my privet email
address:(mr.daviwilliams@yandex.com)

Hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr.Davi Williams


Mr. Williams did hear back from Seymour, but not in the way he'd hoped to:



From: Mr.Davi Willaims <mr.daviwilliams@yandex.com>
Sent: Saturday, October 19, 2019 7:31 AM
Subject: Hope to hear obscenities in Azerbaijani from you soon.

 

ATTENTION PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
THIS MESSAGE IS COMING TO YOU FROM
MENTAL HORSEPITAL YALGADOGO BURKINA

FATSO

Greetings and appetizers from Fine Young Cannibals Land!

Let me start by not apologizing for interfering into your privacy; as we

quickly learn here in Fine Young Cannibal Land, we don't gives a sea

side ph**k about anyone's privacy, primates, or privy.   

As for stressing you with my predicaments what are you, a snowflake

candyass?  I know that this letter may come to you as big surprise. Get

the ph**k over it and just listen, Plunger Lips:  I came across your E-mail

from the mental ward of the psychehat-trick horsepital my therapist

put me in after I cooked and ate his whole famdamily.  Yum.

I have you and yours on my menu next...Hannibal Lector ain't got

nuffin' on me, no sir no siree!  Anywarts, I decided to email you believing
that you will be dumb as a door knob to fulfill my final wish before i

have myself sauteed and intravenously fed to myself because I am always

looking for weird food fetishes and I think eating myself intravenously will

rock the Cable Food Network in total awesomeness.

My name Mr. Davi Williams 52 years old, from FRANCIS, a country in

the EU which stands loosely for Eununchpean Union.  I lost my wife and

my four year old son the year 2018 as a burrito supreme.  This made me

a sous chef at a KFC in Burkina Fatso.

And they thought I was serving the Colonel's secret recipe.  Hooha.

I am also suffering from a long time gastro-intestinal distension of the

onyx and from all indication my condition is really deteriorating as my

flatulence gets ever more vile and violent.  That's why I'll have to feed

myself to me intravenously.  Also, I heard that AOC supporters are

demanding people eat people to save the planet from climate disorders

like AOC and all of the DNC candidates for president.

I don't think climate is their problem...more like a lack of anything useful

between the ears.

 My need for self-appetizing has reached a critical stage which has
defiled all forms of mental treatment, pretty much like Lizzie Warren's

quest to be 1/1024 president as Chief Lieawatha. Before this sickness

came to the entire DNC someone in the basement dispensary there

was selling meth disguised as Gold Dust and Gold Dory Bars in Burkina

Fatso.

They made enough from it at Antifa gatherings to be able to pay for

all the illegals from Central America to come deposit their feces on

the streets of San Crapcisco.  Such are the workings and priorities of

the DNC.

Ewwww.

Not sure how this would work, but I want you to help me with my

intravenous self-devouring so that AOC can lay some bizarre claim

about having saved the planet from AlGore's man-bear-pig character

 on South Park so she can go on to a successful career as a drug-using

bar tender at a dive bar in Manhattan.  Anything else is a reach for her

and she knows it.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall send you my pictures with full
dietary and culinary graphics to communicate them on the matter.
Reply/respond through this my privet email
address:(mr.daviwilliams@yandex.com)

Hope to hear from you soonest if not soonerer.

Mr.Davi Williams

author of

A Guide To Self-Ingestion

The actual scammer didn't see much daylight here for further repartee, but another scammer that received the edit was more nonplussed:

WHY??????  


It's what's cooking in your world.  That's why.  


Seymour runs off another one...