Monday, July 24, 2017

#1300 Ain't A Lucky Number

Katie shore don' think so.

Yes, this is post 1300.  Unbelievable.

I'm sure that Bannister Evans Thomas won't be all that pleased to be a part of it.

But he is.

Read his well-worn opening gambit:

No: 15 Allen Avenue
Ikeja ,Lagos.
Email: {}

Dear Friend

It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a surprise.This is
because we have not met before but I am inspired to sending you this email
following the huge fund transfer opportunity that will be of mutual
benefit to the two of us.

However, I am Barrister Evans Thomas Attorney to the late Engr.Ronald
Johnson, a national of Northern American, who used to work with Shell
Petroleum Development Company(SPDC) in Nigeria . On the 11th of
November,2008. My client,his wife And their three children were involved
in a car accident along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road.

Unfortunately they all lost their lives in the event of the accident,
Since then I have made several inquiries to several Embassies to locate
any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his
relatives over the Internet to locate any member of his family but of no
avail, hence I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and
property left behind by my client,I can easily convince the bank with my
legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my client.
Otherwise the Estate he left behind will be confiscated or declared
unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were
lodged.Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at
about $15 million U.S dollars(Fifteen million U.S.America dollars).

Consequently,The bank issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or
have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over several
years now.I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the
deceased,so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15million U.S
dollars can be paid to your account and then you and me can share the
money. 55% to me and 40% to you,while 5% should be for expenses or tax as
your government may require.  

I have every reason to believe that as surprised as my character was supposed to have been to receive this email, Bannister Evans Thomas will be just as surprised by what my character dun widdit:

From: Barr. Evans Thomas <>
Sent: Wednesday, May 24, 2017 1:06 AM
Subject: Boom lacka lacka lacka boom
No: 15 Allen Avenue
Ikeja ,Lagos.
Email: {}

Tacka Tallawhacky Brown

It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a wet dream triggered by visions of Nancy Bela Pelosi dildoing a fire hydrant.

You need better dreams.  This is probably because you use substandard hallucinogens at work.
WTF is up with that?  Doesn't Obolascare give you the cheapest in hallucinogens?

Be that as it might never had been if you'd growd a brain, I am Bannister Evans Thomas, Atturkey-at-law, representing asordid Northern Americans whose names I lifted from a Minnysoda rural phone book. 
Being from Nigeria, I have little else to do but that, finger my bung hole, write assorted incantations to the Nigerian illuminincompoop baphomet Ogun Douche Canoe, or play like I'm a real atturkey like you seed on Law & Odor. 
But I do believe I am digressing...I am working off a badly writ talking points list and I am to tell you that I am reprehensing a Northern Americans who used to work with Smell Petroleum Jelly Development Company(SPJDC) in Nigeria.   On the 11th of Never in 2016, my client, the goat he married in a bizarre ceremonkey and their three marmots were involved in a plain crash when the yak cart they were riding in was incredibly lost -- we don't have yaks in Nigeria -- and crossed in the path of the only Boeing 747 to land at the international airport outside of Lagos in the past 25 years. 
 The plain didn't hit them; but it scared the yak so bad that it unleashed a monumental fart at the very moment the jet engines were in immediate proximity, igniting the fart and frying everyone in the cart.

The post accident BBQ was enjoyed by all but a couple from the UK, who are still vomiting.

Since then I have made several inquiries to several movie and TV producers about doing a weekly sitcom about it called Yakity Flak, but so far I am unable to locate any producers willing to front the idea.  I wasn't even able to get Berkeley Breathed from Bloom County or Trey Parker and Matt Stone from South Park to bite on an episode.  The Kardashians expressed some interest as a way to boost sagging ratings, but who wants to be involved with ol' Liberty Bell Butt?

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace the events of that day back to a common demominator, but Barbara Billingsley isn't returning my calls.  Snooty hollywad stars...even when dead they're stuck up.

Thus with all other avenues blocked by construction and cone zones, I contacted you to assist in this rather dubious affair.  Since everyone here is dumber than a door knob, I can easily convince the bank with my shady and unethical legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my fried and et clients.  Otherwise, Brian Williams will be claiming he was here when it all went down, and that he's entitled to one half of Kim Kardashian's butt to co-anchor with him on pmsnbc.
He can have it all, but I digress.  

Consequently, I am being sued by The Cannibal Channel for failure to invite them to the BBQ involving my clients.  So I need a new client to hopefully pay for whatever it'll cost me to deal with them.  They charge by the ounce.

All I require is your gullible cooperation to enable us see this deal make it on a YouTube viral expose that shows you to be a real twat waffle.  In keeping with that notion I need the swallowing from you:

Your Full Name:
Your House Address:
Your Tele-phone And Fax No:
Your Age and Gender :
Your Nationality:
Your Occupation:

I guarantee that this will be executed in the most heinous manure possumbull -- better than Kim Jong Un can imagine -- and under an illegitimate arrangement that will protect me from you in case you grow a brain before I can pull this off.  Please get in touch with me VIA this my confidential email { }

Bannister Evans Thomas . { SAN }

Of all the replies the scammer could have sent -- including taking the option of none -- he picked the wrong one:

I am not eating peoples you jerk.  

So you prefer to knaw on them one at a time?  You should have chosen the path of the zombie, which only wants to eat brains.  Then again, that's why you chose what you did.  See what I just did there?

Stop writing me.  

I didn't write 'me'.  I wrote you.  You're not going to make a good zombie at this rate.  

The good bannister had had enough repartee with my character after that...yes, ol' 1300 wasn't lucky for him. 

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Friday, July 21, 2017

Even The Desktops Are Stupid

I'm pretty sure that the desk pictured here is waaaaay smarter than the latest talking desk I'm hearing from.

Gideon Masie, claiming to be from Barclay's Bank in the UK -- and the latest scammer I'm hearing from making that claim -- started out like this:


Hello sir,
In reference to your funds which was forwarded to us here ( BARCLAYS BANK OF ENGLAND) FOR FURTHER VERIFICATION AND AUTHENTICATION .    We want to come to your notice that after due verification, we found out that your fund transfer was done through non existing banking process based on open tender policy.   As a matter of fact, the transfer which was attempted several times with different beneficiaries was believed to be a floating fund without a good clam of ownership.

On this regard, I, Mr.Gideon Masie is now your new bank officer.   I will work well with you but I love transparency in every thing I do. You will have your money but due to the errors committed in the past, some areas need to be clarified for the security of the fund, As soon as 100% guarantee is achieved,this is to know is the fund in question is a payment for drug transaction ,money laundry or things related to that.once this is done, I have no any other option than to forward your money to any accounted provided  We are sorry if this in one way or the other will affect you but there is nothing we can do than what is necessary  for security reasons.



So instead of "from the desk of", it's now "on the desk top of".  Okay, fine:  let's have at it:

Why would I want to converse with your desk top?  

That apparently so confused ol' Gideon, he sent me this reply three times:

I did not understand your question. I am writing as your new bank officer. Please forward to this office your full data ,ID and bank details

I simply why would I want to converse with your desk top.  Just what is on YOUR desk?  

Hope you don't mind forwarding the required documents for further processes.

I wouldn't mind if I knew what the f**k you were talking about.  What documents?  What are they?  

At your services any time you are ready  

You are?  At my services?  Anytime I'm ready?  Okay, I'll play:  what services are you at?  

Read my mail on 20th  

When, the 20th of next month?  If you mean for me to READ your mail of the 20th, stop being dumber than a door stop and say so. 

There is no needs for you to be insulting.  Read my mail on the 20th.  

Fine, I'll get back to you on the 20th.  Anything else, Poodle Lips?  

Please read again my mail on the 20th. Stop make fun of me please.  

I already told you that I'd read your mail on the 20th just like you've asked.  I'll bet you're the same bank that offers free toasters to new depositors and then reneges on that offer, aren't you?  

I write nothing about a toaster.  PLEASE read my mail on the 20th and get back to me with what is needed.  This delay is not good.  

How many f**king times do I have to tell you that your request of my reading your mail on the 20th will be done when the bloody 20th comes around next?  If that isn't what you meant, bloody clari-f**king-fy yourself and don't you DARE renege again on the free toaster offer.

Did you read my mail on the 20th or not?  I said no thing about toaster.  Are you going to follow instructs or not?  

Today is the 29th, Numbnuts.  You said for me to read your mail on the 20th.  That's 23 days from now.  And I see that you and your bank are indeed reneging on your free toaster to depositors with new accounts again.  How can you POSSIBLY think that making and withdrawing such offers is good business for Barclay's?  Are you a moron by birth or choice?  Never re-reading our correspondence, you've already answered that.  

you are insane.  dont contact me more.  

My only insanity was believing your desktop was capable of delivering anything of value, including a free toaster.  Now I know why your desktop started this certainly educationally up to it.

That got my character one last email response from ol' Gideon...but it was a reply with no text.  Left him textless, I guess.

Anyway, I'm marked my calendar...when the next 20th rolls around, I'll let him know I read his email on the 20th...and demand my toaster.

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Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Liars, Tiggers and Poots Oh My

He ain't the only one that hates when that happens.

Scamstress Janet Brown isn't much of an admirer of it any more, either.

It all started out innocently enough *wink* with this email from herself:

Hurry now and claim your fund from the Central Bank of Nigeria or your fund will be confiscated by the wicked officials of the CBN.

My name is MISS. JANET BROWN, I am a Computer Scientist working with Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). I am 25 years old, just started working with CBN.

I came across your payment file marked X and your released disk painted RED. I took time to study it and tried to find out why the funds were not released to you. Those evil officials can never tell you the truth that they won't release the fund to you; instead they allow you spend your hard earned money unnecessarily.

I do not intend to work here forever; I can help you claim your fund if you can certify me of my security and assure me that you would compensate with me after you must have received your payment. I must do this because you need to know the status of your payment and cause for the delay. This is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria and you may not understand because you are not a Nigerian.

The only thing needed to release this fund to you is the Original INTERNATIONAL TRANSFER PERMIT (ITP), which will be tendered to any of your nominated bank and the Internal Revenue Service IRS for clearance of the transferred amount in your account.

Once the Original TRANSFER PERMIT Certificate is secured, fund will immediately reflect in your bank within 24 HOURS. The only authorized and sincere person who will issue you the Original Documents is Dr. Ibrahim Bello. Make sure you indicate your file letter X and tell him its painted color Red so he will be able to recognize your file. The president made a compensation fund release for all unpaid beneficiaries/contractors and scam victims.

Therefore, you are going to receive a total sum of $2,700,000.00 (TWO MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) for this year 2017 as recorded in your file here and will be transferred to your bank account as soon as the Original document is obtained.

Do get back to me ASAP through this ( )  if you are still interested in claiming your fund so that I can give you further direction and contact of Dr. Ibrahim Bello.  

Uh huh.  'Cept that ain't what went back to her, after my pet rock, Seymour, got done with the edit:

From: Janet Brown <>
Sent: Monday, May 22, 2017 12:50 PM
To: Recipients
Dear Dark Wing Phuck,

Hurry now and claim your fund from the Central Bank of Nigeria or your fund will be confiscated by the wicked witch of the west  who are married to the officials of the CBN and a shriveled dork from Ellendale, Queen William.  They got the beeyotch a raincoat so she wants a return match with Dorothy and that little ankle biter of hers.

My name is MISSUS. JANET BROWN, I am a Compooter Slyentologist working with Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). I am 25 years old, just started working with CBN and I am a budding sawng writer.  Just look at what I have a tune in my head for:

Missus Brown (that's me) you've got a lousy ploy here..
scams as bad as this are rectal itch...
It's so sad...this thing won't fool a yak...
I showed this mail to one
and all it did was moooo (in Russian)...

I came across your file marked expert and realized why yours was painted RED:  "x" is the unknowd factor and 'spert is a drip of water under pressure.  No need to thank me for making you feel illuminated this day. It's what I do:  I live but to serve, except in tennis:  every time I charge the net, my panties fall off, and the gallery ain't cheering an ass like mine.

I do not intend to work here forever; I hear that Nancy Pelosi is hiring an assistant who will shovel botox up her ass to maintain her youthful appearance, and this is just up my alley, after having had to work for a rain slickered wicked witch that cackles and leaves hair pins scattering in the air everytime she suddenly takes off in one direction or another.

Annoying beeyotch.

After having taken a dozen different online courses through asordid online eunuchversities here in Nigeria, among other things I am now certified in helping you regain your virginity.  For a modest fee, of course:  I must do this because I've got stunted loans that rival the size of Hellary's thighs.  This is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria and you may not understand because you are not a Nigerian, and we don't understand because they cancelled The Sopranos before we could get the gist of it all.

The only thing needed to defeat the rain slickered wicked witch of Chappaqua is the Original INTERNATIONAL TRANSFER PERMIT (ITP) and a fire hose.  Tell Dorothy that she'll need more than a bucket this time.

Once the Original TRANSFER PERMIT Certificate is secured and Dorothy has her a fire hose with plenty of psi, the world odor will be in stink, all will be well wunst agin, I can achieve fame as a sawng writer better than Lisa Kudrow and it will immediately reflect in the 2018 Grammys, when I get to stand up before my peers and make fun of Madonut. The only authorized person who will issue you the Original Documents is Dr. Ibrahim Bello. But don't trust him, because he is a raving twat waffle and douche canoe after years of meth and sucking on Yugo exhaust pipes in Lagos back alleys.  

Therefore, you are going to need to get Dorothy that fire hose ASAP.

Do get back to me ASAP through this ( )  if you are still able to access a good fire hose and want to hear more of my sawng writing prowess.

Yours exceptionally insincerely,

 The scammer was apparently left speechless by the edit and nothing further for ol' Seymour.  As for The Wizard of Oz....I hear the flying monkeys are looking for Seymour..


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Saturday, July 15, 2017

Missled Again

Leave it to my pet rock, Seymour, to lead with a photo that's got elucidation upcoming.

"It's got WHAT???  PHFFFFFFT!"

Seymour also has a twisted sense of humor.

"Do NOT!!!"

Seymour is always on the lookout for articles about North Korean dipstick Kim Jong Un.  And he never has far to look.

In a Reuters article, the reporter is vexed about the ever growing North Korean missile threat to Alaska.

No mention of what one US nuclear attack sub could do to Pyongyang, if the moronic Pudgmeister were truly that stupid.

However, the lamestream news mediocres need things besides Trump to get their panties in a wad over.

And therein, Seymour found editing Heaven:

Can U.S. defend against North Korea missiles? Not everyone gives a raunchy fart

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

WASHINGTON (WTFNS) - Not everybody is as complacent as the Pentathalon that the U.S. military can defend the United States from the growing threat that North Korea might get a missile to actually fly and hit a suburb of Bakersfield.

Pyongyang's first test on Tuesday of an ICBM with a potential to strike the state of Confusion has raised the question: does it come with a side of egg rolls?

Debriefing reporters on Wednesday – and hiding their briefs – Pentathalon spokesman Navy Captain Jeff Davis said: "We do have confidence in our ability to keep Kim Jong Un from convincing Trey Parker and Matt Stone to make another Team America World Police sequel that stars Un."

Davis – no relation to Marvin Zugspitz – cited a successful test in May in which a U.S.-based interceptor prevented a three peckered goat from knocking up a convent full of virgin ewes But he acknowledged the test program's track program was not perfect.

"It's something we have mixed results on. We missed the three peckered yak," Davis said.

An internal memo seen by WTFNS on Wikileaks – as obtained from Hellary's basement email server – also showed that the Pentathalon downgraded its assessment of cnn credibility after they ran with the three peckered goat story.

Despite hundreds of billions of dollars spent on figuring out what kind of bathroom a genital-less Ken doll would want to use, the United States may not be able to seal itself off entirely from future stupid TV shows about the Kardashians.

Experts caution that U.S. missile defenses are now geared to shooting down incoming missiles. What happens if North Korea's technology actually advances, and they attack with flying twat waffle irons?

"Over the next four years, the United States has to figure out who is making flying twat waffle irons and why they're selling them to North Korea," said Riki Tiki Twatwaffle, founder of the Flying Twat Waffle Iron Defense Advocacy Alliance. 


The test records of the Schmesla self driving golf ball, charged with the mission to develop, test and field a self driving golf ball, have no idea what they're doing in this article.

Since President Barack Obola's misadministration in the 2008s-20teens, the U.S. government has spent more than $200 billion to develop and field a range of gender neutral bathrooms, according to the Congressional Frivolous Research Service.

Funding for cable and satellite signal blockers to keep the Kardashians off the air was on average $8.12 billion during President Barack Obola's administration that upended long before Jan. 20.


Last month, Vice Admiral James T. Quirk, then director of the Star Trek In Perpetuity Movie Sequels Advocacy Group, told a congressional panel that North Korea in the past six months had caused him raunchy gas.

"However, it will probably require another year or two of gestation before Kim Jong Un gives birth to whatever he's carrying, particularly since he isn't physically wired that way," he said.

Michelle MaBell, a subject of a Beatles song, said that although North Korea was several hundred steps from creating a dependable news service, "They are absolutely well ahead of cnn in credibility", she chuckled.

The DNC petulantly refused to comment, not wanting President Trump to do a video that has him body-slamming their decaying icon next.  

I think that Seymour has given up on winning a Pulitzer; but he has some curious thought that cnn might actually hire him if they ever read any of these posts.

"Do NOT!!!!"

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Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Bill, Melinda & Me

Awwwwww.  Ain't that nice.

Out of all the billyuns and billyuns of folks on this h'yar orb, Bill and Melinda Gates have selected my character -- along with 9 other assorted sots -- to receive a tad of their largess.

Take a look:

Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation <"www.">

Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation <"www.">


You have been gifted $5 MILLION USD From Mr Bill Gates. Contact me at this email for your claim:

I hope this information meet you well as I know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive a sum of $5,000,000,00 USD, our information below is 100% legitimate, please see the link below: Bill_%26_Melinda_Gates_ Foundation

I BILL GATES and my wife decided to donate the sum of $5,000,000,00 USD to you as part of our charity project to improve the 10 lucky individuals all over the world from our $65 Billion Usd I and My Wife Mapped out to help people. We prayed and searched over the internet for assistance and i saw your profile on Microsoft email owners list and picked you. Melinda my wife and i have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see. as you could see from the webpage above,am not getting any younger and you can imagine having no much time to live. although am a Billionaire investor and we have helped some charity organizations from our Fund.

You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate family members, Before we die we decided to donate the remaining of our Billions to other individuals around the world in need, the local fire department, the red cross, Haiti, hospitals in truro where Melinda underwent her cancer treatment, and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, alzheimer's and diabetes and the bulk of the funds deposited with our payout bank of this charity donation. we have kept just 30% of the entire sum to our self for the remaining days because i am no longer strong am sick and am writing you from hospital computer.and me and my wife will be traveling to
Germany for Treatment.

To facilitate the payment process of the funds ($5,000,000.00 USD) which have been donated solely to you, you are to send us

your full names.................
your contact address................
your personal telephone number...............
Send the above details to this email:
so that i can forward your payment information to you immediately. I am hoping that you will be able to use the money wisely and judiciously over there in your City. please you have to do your part to also alleviate the level of poverty in your region, help as many you can help once you have this money in your personal account because that is the only objective of donating this money to you in the first place.

Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful You Can Google my name for more information: Mr Bill Gates or Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation

Remain Blessed

Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation  
Isn't that precious?  And fraudulent as all get out. 
I'm sure that my character's response won't go too far beyond the original intent of this email.  Or then again, it might:
From: Pill & Malignant Grates Foundation <"www.">
Sent: Friday, May 5, 2017 7:58 AM
Subject: Pill & Malignant Grates Foundation

You have been gifted a replicated 180 AD chariot believed to have been used in the movie Glad He Ate Her, courtesy of Mr. Pill Grates. Contact me at this email for your claim:

I hope this information meet you well as I know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive a replicated chariot circa 180 AD that was purportedly used in the aforementioned movie.  Our  information below is 100% illegitimate and infested with Tuscan crotch crickets.

I PILL GRATES and my wench decided to donate some replicated used chariots from the 180 AD error that saw depiction in the movie Glad He Ate Her, starring Crussell Rowe and some derelicts we scrounged up on Hollyweird back lots, as part of our parody project to do nothing substantive for 10 sucky individuals all over the world. 
  We picked this movie from all the ones we could have used because Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor sucked, and Team America World Police already did a song about that fact.  We prayed and searched over the internet for abject nippleheads like you and after I saw your profile on Microsoft email owners list, I knowd I found the most nippled of heads out there.  Malignant my wife and i have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see. 

After having shunned the needs of our immediate family members -- ingrates all -- and before we die of something like painful rectal itch, we decided to donate the remaining of our Billions to other individuals around the world in need.  Which has nothing to do with you; that's why we're giving you a movie prop from a Roman era movie that sounds like a smut movie by the title. 

Don't knock it; Haiti got t-shirts from Hellary's f**ked up 2016 crimepaign.  You're better off.

To facilitate the delivery process of the broken down Hollyweird movie prop chariot -- we were going to tell you that it was from Ben Hur, but decided on Glad He Ate Her instead -- you are to send us

your full names.................
your contact address................
your personal telephone number...............
Send the above details to this email:

so that i can forward your delivery to you immediately. I am hoping that you will be able to use the broken down movie prop chariot wisely and judiciously over there in your City.   Licensing, dealer prep and options is up to you.  Please you have to do your part to also alleviate the level of poverty in my region, my reprehensible will contact you for how much it will cost you in the first place.

Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful You Can Google my name for more information: Pill & Malignant Grates Foundation. 
Remain a douche canoe.

Pill & Malignant Grates Foundation
My pet rock, Seymour, says that this edit is wrong on so many levels.  But right where it belongs with the scammers.
Good pet rock.


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Sunday, July 9, 2017

Seymour Edits The Life And Slimes of Kim Jong Un

My pet rock, Seymour, recently came across an article about the life and times of the North Korean pissy despot, Kim Jong Un.

And the pet rock went into over the top edit mode wunst again.

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that Kim and Seymour were married in a previous life, and had the ugliest of divorces.


Just a thought.

Anyway, to Seymour's most recent edit of His Largeness, Kim Jong Un:

North Korea's Kim Jong Un Spends Most of His Time Drinking Wine, Eating Cheese, Catching Some Rays And Plotting How To Get Team America World Police II Made

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

When Kim Jong Un, pudginator of North Korea, isn’t busy setting off missiles and laughing gleefully as he mows down Quarter Pounders with cheese, his day-to-day life is like anyone else that orders relatives and key advisors executed on mere whims.

North Korea is on everybody’s joke list in 2017 after no fewer than 10 missile launches this year, some of which skirted dangerously close to actually getting out of North Korea.

Across Asia and in the wider world, the concern is that Pyongyang will attach a viral video of Kim leading the North Korean military in a macarena marathon onto a long-distance missile—something North Korea claims to be able to do (even if it has not been independently verified). North Korea's intercountry ballistic missiles (ICBMs) may even be able to reach just beyond Wonsan, which has prompted the democrats in the United States Congress to step up pressure on President Trump regarding Hellary losing the 2016 election because she sucked as a candidate.

When he isn't sparring with Trey Parker and Matt Stone or supervising missile misfires, how does Kim Jong Un spend his week?

At home with what's left of the family

Kim Jong Un usually appears in photographs surrounded by indoctrinated children, the military or what's left of his advisers, but is rarely seen with his wife. Ri Sol-ju, 27, is rumored to not be an inflated sex toy that had an arranged marriage to Kim in 2009. Very little is known about her; experts debate the date of her birth. It’s not known if Ri Sol-ju is even her real name, or if she's filled with hot air or helium.

Her family is from the inflatable elite, and she is believed to have a pHd in dildonic science. There has been much speculation about Ri in foreign media. Some say she is actually singer William Hung (of American Idol shame), famous for tunes including “Expellent Horse-Faced Lady,” and that the North Korean propaganda machine is simply trying to hush up the slow leak that requires her constant reinflation.

Cardoor Aidin Forester, an expert on North Korean inflatables and honorary senior research feller in Sociology and Kimshi-ed Korea at Inflations University, attributes the secrecy around Kim Jong Un to life in North Korea being on a “who wants to be the next exotic execution”basis. “We’ve actually seen his [Kim Jong Un’s] inflatable wife more than Kim Jong Il [his father]  showed off his because he had a very complicated love life with a yak and a sock puppet,” explains Forester.

It’s believed Kim Jong Un has an inflatable daughter, born in 2012, called Kim Squeaky Wu, but little is known about the child. In 2013, NBA star Dennis Rodman returned from North Korea and confirmed that Kim Jong Un has an inflatable baby girl, but if she exists she has not yet been formally introduced to the nation. North Korean tradition holds that the inflatable children of leaders are not to be introduced formally until they are inflatable adults, which was the case for both Kim Sung Il and Kim Jong Un, explains Forester.

Where does he live?

The Ryongsang Residence, known by locals as “Central Luxury Mansion,” is in Pyongyang, and is huge: 4.6 square miles. It includes an Olympic-sized banquet facilities, a running track that never gets used, a shooting range and lots of unstables. Satellite images show the house .also has a giant waterslide that leads to a shark tank (as Hans Blix found out in Team America World Police I).

But Kim has plenty of alternatives to the Ryongsang palace, should he wish to leave the capital.
In 2013, Kim Jong Un chartered a $7 million, 95-foot luxury yacht around the North Korean coastline during a three hour tour, hoping to meet Mary Ann and Ginger. 

He also calls a palatial complex on the coast near Wonsan his home. Rodman described Kim’s life in Wonsan as a “seven-nova party,” and that it's like going to “visit Hell except [Kim] is the only one there that isn't afraid of being executed.”

Forester tells WTFNS,“You certainly could describe him as a blobaholic prone to fits of hysteria over his not yet being portrayed in a Team America sequel movie.”

What does he do during his week?

The state newspaper Rodung Simian has a special section detailing “Supreme Leader Activities,” which is meant to give the impression that Kim Jong Un is devoted to starving his people. His public life revolves around fast food, parades, factory visits and discussing what it'd be like to actually have a few missile launches work, according to the paper.

“Lavish photoshops accompany the activities Kim is purported to be undertaking. And we know a lot, from defectors, [about] what these factory openings and other occasions are like: cnn meltdowns after Hellary lost,” says Forester.

“Since in North Korea there is no such thing as a practical level, what little production there is usually has to stop for a few weeks to ensure that Kim’s visit doesn't interfere with his eating schedule. They also used to have this thing in North Korea called the 'Pelosi Touch.' Anything Kim Jong Un touches has to be taken out of operation and put in a hermetically sealed hazardous materials case.”

Factories of note he has visited over the last few months include an anal floss factory, a giant carp factory and a mushroom fart processing plant. Kim has also given advice at a kimchi factory on how to screw that up too.

At the anal floss factory, Kim also imparted some important advice. Rodung Simian reported: “[He said] the factory makes a positive contribution to the promotion of the people's asses, which is viewed seriously by him. He seriously scrutinizes people's asses.”

Kim also attends parades, many of which celebrate his father's role in Team America I and the overthrow of imperialist aggressors (the United States) if they don't soon make a Team America II.

What does he spend money on?

A U.N. report in 2014 found that Kim likes food. Liquor. Inflatable women. And yaks.
In public, he dresses demurely in black or white overalls, smocks or military attire, but in private, it’s high-end fashion all the way. The report estimates that the total state spending on luxury goods for Kim Jong Un is $645.8 million in 2012 and more since.

He eats his favorite food with a grain shovel

In 2012, Kim Jong Un reportedly became so fat that he developed a cyst on his ankle and required surgery to remove it. He then had his personal physician fed to hungry dogs after being blasted to bits by an anti-aircraft gun.

And Kim’s love of cheese and wine is no secret after he saw the movie Kelly's Heroes and adopted Oddball as his personal favorite. The U.K.’s Bloody Wanker Weekly reported that Kim Jong Un had to retreat from public life after drinking too much wine, eating too much cheese and catching too many rays.

“Kim Jong Un certainly seems to enjoy being an international twat waffle,” says Forester.

If by some farcical chance the South Park duo decide to make a Team America II, somehow I think that Seymour's going to have to appear in it with Kim Jong Un.

"Will NO...uh...maybe I can win an Oscar Mayer for best supporting pet rock?"

Oy vey...

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Thursday, July 6, 2017

Forget Between The Lines

Scammers should try reading THE lines in any reply.

Then again, what fun would that be?

Take our latest illiterate scammer, Mr. Graham Picken:

I've a proposal that requires your trust,transparency & urgent response.Pls email me  

Transparency?  Eh:

An xray can see through me, if that's transparent enough.  

To so many scammers, it isn't what you say in's that you replied at all:

Hello again,

My name is Graham Picken, of Unity Trust Bank (UK) I am responsible
for managing private client portfolios, including trusts, charities
and pension funds, I am contacting you regarding one of our clients,
whose names I cannot divulge now died in a car crash with his
immediate family on 5th of Nov 2001. Until his death our client had
operated an investment account with us for over an 8 year period
valued at eighteen million United States dollars ($18, 000, 000, 00).

I respectfully would ask that you keep the contents of this mail
confidential and respect the integrity of any information you come
across as a result of this mail. I was in charge of this department
for 8 years and to the best of my knowledge, I carried out my duties
with equity.

In the process of reviewing our financial report by my department, I
discovered that both of you have a similar last name; So I decided to
contact you and give you further information about my purpose and how
to disburse the funds and assets he left behind. My proposal; you
share the same surname with our client; I am prepared to place you in
a position to instruct my Bank to release the deposit to you as the
next of kin to our client. After receiving the deposit, We can now
split the money into two equal parts,50% for you and 50% for me. To
carry out this process I will simply nominate you as the next of kin
and have them release the funds to you. However, I humbly ask that if
you are interested then let me know so I can start processing all the
documentations required to move forward but if you are not then do not
destroy this opportunity for me, if you will not work with me let me
know and let me move on with my life, I am a family man with a wife
and children and strong family values but like every business oriented
person I cannot sit down and allow this opportunity pass me by. This
is an opportunity to provide my family with new opportunities.

There is a reward for this project and it is a task well worth
undertaking. Please, again, note I am a family man; I know within me
that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and Wealth
does not come easy or on a platter of gold. This is truth that I have
learned from all my years as an investment banker. Do not betray my
trust and if we can be of one mind, we must act quickly to this.

Graham Picken  

Okaayyyyy.  My pet rock, Seymour, urged me to edit his reply since he didn't read mine.  Asked and answered:

From: Graham Nose Picken <>
Sent: Tuesday, February 28, 2017 6:15 AM
To: flamebroiledf**
Hello again, hello.
Just emailed to say...hello.
I'm full of sh*t and you know that,
despite this word..hello.
-- Graham Nose Pickens, from his album Madonna I Voted For Hellary, Where's My Blow Job?

My name is Graham Nose Picken, of the offices of Disunity Bust Bank (UK) I am responsible for the wrong envelope at the Oscars the other day and I am responsible for loads of other sh*t too.  Today, I am responsible for mismanaging primate clitoria fortpolios, including busts, cherries and penchants for genital fungus.  I am contacting you because this big ugly enforcer named Ogun is standing behind me with a taser eagerly awaiting the moment I take a break from writing and sending this sh*t to finger my butt hole 'cuz it's the only pleasure I get in life.

Regarding this email, whose names I cannot remember now because the committee is in the back of this fly infested internet cafe, trying to figure out whose name they're going to use today; I just know that the template we got from cnn says that they died in a car crash with his immediate family on 5th of Nov 2016.  That's what an unschooled, unskilled family of non-drivers does when getting behind the reins of an ox driven manure cart and plays bumper car with one of those smart car things. 
Until his death our client was a failure at raising three peckered goats and selling them to ewe convents to liven things up.  It cost him a sh*t wad of West African francs, worth about eighteen United States dollars ($18).

I respectfully would ask that you don't keep the contents of this mail confidential; I need it to be sent as far and wide as possible.  As for any information you may come by in this deal, f**k any notion of integrity therein; I have none.  My record album above makes that abundantly clear.  

There is a reward for this project:  I get the equivalent of $5 USD and a gift card to a Walmart that is being replenished after islamofascists looted it when they scheduled a riot because they could last week and the Swedes were accommodating enough to throw in free Tic Tacs for every aisle looted.  Please, again, note I am an abject piece of sh*t from the Third World that hasn't worked an honest job in my pathetic life.   I know within me that nothing good is going to come from me getting a real job; the other scammers here will pillage my goats and rape my waffle iron, if I ever get one and figure out what it does and how it does it.  Wealth does not come easy or on a platter of fried green piranha genitals with garlic sauce.  This is truth that I have learned that leaves me wondering about the schooling I got from the zen philosopher DunceCap who often doubles as some weird ass nipplehead named Chuck Schumer.  If you choose to betray my trust, please rat me out to Bela Pelosi; she can include an inflatable version of Hellary Clinton in the gallery at the US House of Representatives during the president's speech and everyone watching on TV can giggle while it squeakily leaks and Bela has to keep reinflating it.

Even I'd watch that.

Graham Nose Picken
Ol' Graham musta read and understood that:
if you not interested why bother me like this?  
You weren't doing anything else useful.  
stop writing.  
Why?  You aren't doing anything else useful.  
shut up and leave  
I'm not talking.  I'm emailing.  Your level of comprehension demonstrates a distinct lack of the ability to differentiate.  How else can I be of service since you aren't doing anything else useful?  
He didn't want to play with me no mores after that.  A pity, too:  he wasn't doing anything else useful...

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