Bee Danged

I and my pet rocks get a kick out of the Babylon Bee.

Especially when the Bee is taunting cnn and snopes, both of which hate the Bee....because it taunts them.

Well, it seemed bee-fitting when a scammer came calling with the old 'dying' scam to work some of the Bee in there.  First:

Hello my dear,

Thanks for your attention to my aide and God bless you. I have been praying over your personality so the good lord can help you in carrying out this assignment with clear mind and trust. It took me lots of time to combine this message, so please read carefully with godly mind and in good faith and respond back if you can perform this wish. Am expecting your return.

I express a great gratitude for honoring my letter and considering my health situation, i want to make it clear to you that at my age and present situation, it's a very terrible experience for being in a serious illness over 4 years and still continue without good result, am losing my strength daily and can’t help myself because the lord’s will must be done.

Actually, we do not know each other before, but I got your information through UK Catalog for philanthropist after my prayers to God to provide me a good person that would use the wealth he has given to me and my husband for his own work (God's work) and most importantly, a person that will use the fund for the establishment of church and orphanage Foundation in my name & god. Beside i will like to explain my self once again to you.

Actually, I am from London UK, Yolanda Belham by name, married to Africa man from Republic of Benin, after I was twenty eight years old and we live together in London and since I married my dearest husband, we spend over 10 years without child, Remember, it's not easy to see a lovely man who can tolerate such from a woman he married without giving a child for 10 years and he never reasons of marrying another, been my dealing husband was a God fearing man also love me so much, he did not complain at all, and for that reasons, I made a promised to him that I will be with him all the days of my life. But God so love my family he blesses us with 3 lovely Children, a boy and 2 girls. But eventually, My husband and the three children died in a car accident 4 years ago.

Beside, my husband is from a big Family here in Benin and after his death, I decided to leave London and travel back to his country to honor him as I promised, when I came to Benin, I fell sick, which I did not take it as big thing and after some months, am going down day by day, then I went back to London to see my doctor at St. Thomas' Hospital, through there, my doctor recognized the point of my sickness and I have been on a medication since years. Just few months, my doctor came to me with sadness on his face. He said, he is very sorry to inform me that I have few months to live because the Cancer has taking a lot of cells and dimension.

Oh My dear in lord, I cried for one month asking God, is this your wish to me, if that’s how you want me to end up My life in pain let his wish be done, then I later came back to my husband home in Benin to complete my promises and my husband senior brother was in Russian for years without coming home, I stay with the junior ones, I hand over some money properties to him but he waste it. That is the reason i decide to hand over this money to a foreigner as God direction may be. I believe you can handle this wealth because I have been praying over you, this are the reason I contact you.

So please my dear, I wish you can bear with me in my wish because I can not do what is not right to whom it may be in the earth because i must answer God at end if I do. The reason I take this decision is that my health has deteriorated so badly, I can not do this by myself anymore due to my situation, god knows that I have tried for so many countries, like Myanmar and Philippines, Sudan, Central Africa and others which i could. I previously asked members of my husband Family here in Benin to distribute one of my accounts to some charitable organization which they fail and kept the money to themselves. So, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be satisfied with what I left for them. I will wait to hear from you if you can help, so i will foreword you more detail about this

THANKS 

Your in the Lord. 

Mrs. Yolanda Belham  

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, thought the Bee angle a perfect one to insert here in some manner:

 

 

From: Mrs. Yolanda Belham <yola_belham@aol.com>
Sent: Monday, February 17, 2020 9:57 PM
To: jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com <jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com>
Subject: Message From Mrs. Yoland Belham of the Babylon Bee, Read with care & plenty of glue sniffing

 

Herrooo,

Thanks for your attention to my employer and God bless you in case you just sneezed. I have been praying over a bowl of Wheaties for the past 25 years every morning and am just now learning what eating that sh*t did to Bruce Jenner.  It took me lots of time to fertilize, plow, seed, weed, combine and harvest this message, so please read carefully with an eye to who my employer is and in view of what cnn and snorpes think they can do to my employer if you can perform this wish. Am expecting your tax return as partial payment for nothing in particular as my gawd works in hallucinogenic, peculiar ways.

I express a great amount of genital sarcasm for honoring my letter and making light of my health situation.  I want to make it clear as fecal mud to you that at my age and present situation, it's a very terrible experience, learning that after all these years, I can actually light farts and watch them flare with amazing result; though, you might has warned me that the flame follows the fart back to the source.

Yowza...I gots no hair down there no mores, because the lawrd’s will must be completed before he passes on to the lower kingdom, cnn.

Actually, we do not know each other before, and perhaps we won't know each other after four, but I got your information through UK Catalog for philanderers after my prayers to a Piccadilly transgendered hooker went peculiarly answered.  Beside i will like to explain myself once again to you.

Actually, I am from Pahrump, NV, Yolanda Belham by name, married to Africa used car from Republic of Benin.  After he completed penal requirements on Uranus when I was twenty eight years old, we live together in Portland until Antifa schmucks looted our outhouse; this caused us to move to Newark.  I have no idea why; there's nothing in Newark that ain't already been stolen, looted, graffiti'd or molested.  From there, we tried Burundi, the basement of the DNC, the composting room at cnn where they make up their news, and Sheboygan.  With all that a fart in a hurricane, we wound up in London and since I married my Yugo, we spend over 10 years without child.  Remember you alternative life-stylists:  it's not easy to procreate with a Yugo.  Only because he was a writer for Monty Python did it find a meaning during the Life of Brian and when he was on loan to Black Adder.  I made a promise to it that I will be with it all the days of my life. But dagnabbit, the Yugo blow'd a head gasket, so I had to get married to a smart car.  But eventually, spousal smart car died in an accident 4 years ago when a moth hit the windshield.

I found an ox cart in Benin and after a plane fell on it, I decided to leave there and travel to a ewe convent in Liechtenstein where one tri-peckered goat was going to town on Saturday nights.  After getting ass-ended by the goat I fell sick, which I did not take it as big thing 'cause we cornered, killed and ate the goat that night.  After some months I went back to London to see my publicist and write a book about my experiences titled "What Happened" by Hellary Rodehard Put Away Wet Clinton. 

Then during a pap smear of my belly button lint the doctor at St. Thomas' Hospital recognized the point of my sickness and I have been on a medication since years. Just few months, my doctor came to me with sadness on his face. He said he is very sorry to inform me that I have exhaust burn marks all over my ass from the Yugo and smart car sexual encounters.

Oh how I cried for one month asking an empty Coke bottle, is this your wish to me, if that’s how you want me to end up with my butt covered in exhaust burns let his wish be done.  Then I later came back to Benin to complete my Medicare D paperworks and have my butt kind of deitized because they think the marks are from the empty Coke bottle, and not a Yugo or smart car.  My gullible public and how easily fooled.  That's probably why I'm writing you now.

So please my dear, I wish you can bear with me in my wish because I can not do what is not right to whom it may be in the earth because i must answer correctly if I want to be a Millionaire, and you're my only life line. The reason I take this decision is that my option ran out on my Gong Show stocks, and they have done so badly, I can not do this by myself anymore due to crazy laws being passed in Virginia by morons.  I have tried for so many countries, like Myanmar and Philippines, Sudan, Central Africa and others, none of which would grant me a medical genital reassignment to Las Vegas.  

I previously asked members of a Manson famdamily sect in Kaliforlornia to distribute the profits from my book to some charitable organization; they fail because there were no profits and their leader went to South Park, where he now sings Christmas carols at a mall in Nebraska.  You simply cannot imagine.

So, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be satisfied with the yeast infection I left for them. I will wait to hear from you if you can help, so i will foreword you more detail about this

THANKS 

Your in whipped cream, 

Mrs. Yolanda Belham

 

 

Seymour heard nothing further from the originating scammer, but he made the cnn/snopes hit list along with the Bee...

Stripes -- Scam Style

If Harold Ramis weren't dead and Bill Murray didn't look it, I'd say that this latest email scam came from one of their Stripes segments that didn't survive the cutting room floor.


Witness the following from...*drum roll*...Lt. General Stephen Townsend:

Hello There!

It was not in any way my intentions to intrude into your privacy. I am left with no option but to reach out to you and solicit your friendship as well as your assistance.

My name is Stephen Townsend (Lieutenant General, U.S Army). I have been in all activities involving the U.S military in Afghanistan, Iraq and Syria.. Presently I'm in Aleppo Syria on an Inspection Mission.

My mission in the Middle East will be completed at the end of March 2019.. I'm looking forward to my resignation from the Military (Better call it retirement). It has been a great experience offering my services to my country and to human race.  Being the only child of my late parents made life even tougher as I had no one to offer me support of any kind, but that never discouraged me from giving my best and making sacrifices for the betterment of our world. Recently I took time out of my busy schedule to reflect on my life; the past, the present and the future, family etc, and I realized it is time to draw the curtains on my career.

Two years ago, the Secretary General of OPEC (Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries) was here in Syria on a Multi-million Dollar Oil Business trip. While he was here, I provided security services to him and his business associates. I was paid US$6,000,000 (Six Million U.S Dollars) for my services to them throughout the business proceedings.

The current chaos in Syria has made it impossible to remit this fund to my U.S account. All Syrian Banks are shut down indefinitely, and I do not have any sibling to receive the fund on my behalf. I am among 8 Top military Officers deployed to Iraq on an Inspection mission (To observe the military operations in Mosul City in Iraq ). Our departure is imminent, hence I solicit your assistance to receive the US$6 Million on my behalf and keep it safe.

There is no trace of irregularities or illegality as regards the fund. As a Military Personnel, I represent the law and would not engage myself in an illegal Transaction. It's 100% legal.

Syrian banks have been shut down indefinitely, especially from International Transactions. As a matter of fact, I have made a concrete arrangement for a UN Diplomatic Service Agency to deliver this fund to you without hitches.

I'm offering you 30% of the total fund for your assistance to receive and save the fund.

Like i said, the delivery is legal and will be documented, and that guarantees risk-free transaction.  There's no risk whatsoever.

So, please confirm your willingness to assist me, then I will furnish you with more details, and we will expedite action with the delivery process. I hope this transaction will open doors for you and me to become not just business partners but good friends as well.

Please understand that this is highly confidential. I would appreciate that you treat this message or proposal with utmost confidentiality.

Anticipating your swift response.

Thank you!

Lt. Gen. Stephen J. Townsend.

stephtown2020@gmail.com

jameslop2020@gmail.com  

 

 

Uh huh.

 

Seymour, my ever-ready-to-edit pet rock, couldn't wait to have a go at this email, made for editing:

 

 

At Ease!

It was not in any way my intentions to intrude into your privacy with that drone strike that took out your kitchen and armoire.  Hate when that happens.

 

My name is Stephen Townsend (Lieutenant Genital, Army Of The ExGender). I have been in all activities involving hijinks and shenanigans in Afghanistan, Iraq and Syria....usually with goats.  Oh, and camels.  Don't forget the camels.

Presently I'm in Aleppo Syria on a STD Mission.  I have genital warts and I love sharing.

 

My mission in the Middle Tennessee will be completed at the end of March 2018.  As you can surmise, my GPS and calendars leave something to be desired.  So do the goats I feel up.

I'm looking forward to my resignation from this branch of this particular military. It has been a whacking great peculiarity of an experience offering my services to an assortment of animals in a state that has nothing to do with the Middle East.   Being the only adopted child of a gorilla and a marmot made life even tougher as I had no one to offer me support of any kind; just bananas.  Recently I took time out of my busy schedule to reflect on my gender assignment, and after having eaten Wheaties for years -- and seeing what it did to Bruce Jenner -- and realizing that I am really feeling f**ked up.

 

Two years ago, the Suckretary Genital of OPEC (Organization of Perversion Exporting Countries) was here in Syria, Tennessee, on a trip complicated by hallucinogens and crustaceans that fart Gregorian chant phonics.  While he was here, I provided inflatable Hellary sex toy services to him and his business associates. I was banished from the country and ordered to undergo genital reintarnation in Buffalo, NY.  

 

The current chaos in San Crapcisco wouldn't be so bad if everyone would quit crapping on the streets, and do it at Bela Pelosi's office.  I am therefore solicit your assistance to be a guide to help all the poopers to find and use her office for their fecal repositories.  I am assured that it's a clean, quiet venue, only rarely interrupted by a visitor projectile vomiting over the stench.

Considering where I've been, there is no trace of irregularities or illegality as regards this kind of pretty disgusting activity.  As a Military Personnel of dubious rankecedence, I represent the law that pays the most and would not engage myself in an illegal transaction unless it involved Taylor Swift and Tide Pods.

Syrian banks have been shut down indefinitely, especially from accepting deposits from orthopods.  That said, I have made a concrete arrangement for a UN Diplomatic Service Agency to deliver concrete to a location not being blown to smithereens on a daily basis.  That rules out Newark.

 

I'm offering you 30% to go f**k yourself.  40% if you'll do it on YouTube.

Like someone claims I said, if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, then why is a ram in the ass a goose?  Asking for a friend.

There's no risk whatsoever if you don't participate.

 

So, please confirm your willingness to go f**k yourself, then I will furnish you with more details, and together we will remove all references to White Castles from Cincinnati; it's offensive to octosexual CNNpods.  I hope this transaction will open doors for you that slam faster than a democrap running to do anything for a saw buck from George the Sharpai Soros.  

 

Please understand that this is highly confidential, which is why I sent it to 10,000 BCCed email addresses, and y'all.  It's even being featured on a world-wide blog that makes fun of sh*t like this.

If I'd of knowd that, I would have quit eating Wheaties 26 years ago, and saved my winkee being fitted to Joy Behar in place of her nose.  

Anticipating your swift response.

Thank you!

Lt. Genital Stephen J. Townsend.

stephtown2020@gmail.com

jameslop2020@gmail.com  

 

 

We were pleasantly surprised to hear from the Genital hisself as he was more impressed than we generally hear from his ilk:

 

 

hahahahahhaa You the man oF the year

 

 

Accepting on behalf of my pet rock, I'd like to thank all the little scammers that made this possumbull.  And never tease a bull playing possum.  Just sayin'.    

 

 

"So where's my award???"


You get the satisfaction that you impressed a scammer with your editing-gone-wild skills, Seymour.


"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

 

Dissssssssssssssss-missed!

A Little Research Heps

Online scammers have online access.  Makes sense, right?

So when they're given a template to use in trying to scam someone, you might think that they'd do at least a tad bit of online research to make sure that their scam makes some degree of sense.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

This one didn't:

GOOD DAY TO YOU

i hope this mail finds you in good spirit and in good health? because i am quite aware of your losses in the past years now, it may surprise you that i am also aware of your consignment boxes pursuit in Benin Ghana Togo Nigeria Spain France Malaysia Indonesia china and Korea .my name is Mrs. Janet Napolitano, the secretary of u.s department of homeland security of America, am in charge to monitored all foreign transactions in Africa Europe and Asia.

i have been in the U.S department of homeland security now since the government of president Donald trump, monitoring the various transactions going on in Africa, Europe and Asia, most especially consignments cases and bank transfer. i do not intend to spoil your
Day or to put you under duress.

but you cannot receive any of your consignments boxes pursuit, without a clearance from the U.S department of homeland security. However, upon my arrival in Benin republic after series of meetings with our president Donald trump and united nations secretary general ban Ki-moon, due to numerous complaints from other security agencies from Africa Asia, Europe, Oceania, Antarctica, south America and the united states of America respectively, against the Benin government and Nigeria over the rate of scam/fraudulent activities going on in this country and Africa.

i want you to please stop communicating, and dealing with them until we complete our investigation. i wish to notify you about the latest development concerning your box of consignment that was handle over to me after the meeting held between me and some of the top parliament members of Benin and the foreign affair minster in the Benin capital headquarters cotonou, due to the delay for you not have received your consignment box for long time now.

Accordingly, we have waived away all your consignment box clearance fees and authorized the government of Benin republic to allow me fly with this your approved consignment box to you without any delay which they have agreed. The only fee you will pay to confirm your consignment box received in your possession is the weight fee of your consignment box which is sum of $75.00 only. So i want you to re-confirm to me the below information for proper understanding by filling the attach homeland security registration form okay.  

Oh, Napolitano WAS the Suckretary of Homeland Suckurity for Barack Obola...from 2009-2013.  The designer of the scam template had one job...and face-planted.

This be the REAL and current Homeland Security secretary, Kristjen Nielsen.

The designer of the scam template had one job...and face-planted.  Even my pet rock gave two thumbs down to editing one this dumb from the outset.

I wonder if AOC is running an email scam on the side?



 

AOC Thinks She Can Do WHAT?

Scammers just can't seem to kick their resemblance to the Democrap Party.

Witness this email effort to give my character the business:


Federal Reserve Bank (UNDP)
(World Bank Assisted Programmed)
Directorate of International
Payment and Wire Transfer/Audit Unitwww.undp.org/about/federal-reserve
Ref: FPU/OTMINO/VOL.Category /A1

Re: Beneficiary,

SUBJECT: ANNUAL HEALTH COMPENSATION SCHEME BY THE FEDERAL RESERVE BANK(UNDP)


With reference to the above-mentioned subject; We apologize for the
delay in processing your awarded compensation PAYMENT,it's been as a
result of the high in-flux in rapid payments to qualified
beneficiaries via our "CERTIFIED CASH CONSIGNMENT" & "ATM CARD / BANK
WIRE TRANSFERS" spanning across various destinations.

Furthermore, Be informed that all necessary documentations has been
processed and forwarded to the accounts department to effect payment
as soon as possible, We've employed transparency in our bid in-line
with the programs and summits sponsored by the "Newly sworn-in
administration board by the United Nations General Assembly in it's
crusade to eradicate corruption.

The United Nations Development program (UNDP), in conjunction with the
Federal Reserve Bank & Health care compensation schemes for families
(HCCS); Therefore the European Union (EU) makes a yearly donation of
$7.5 Million to eligible Recipients worldwide.

Note: All qualified beneficiaries on our database were randomly picked
via an extensive survey over 100,000 internet websites, mini mart
shops around your area which you might have made purchases from. Just
a gentle reminder; No tickets were sold thus you are required to fill
the form below and email it To the office of our Executive Secretary
with the below contact for Qualification, documentation and processing
of your claims. You are get back immediately with your Qualification
numbers (UNDP-909-1114, SFH-4147-465).  


Yup...every bit as believable as a Bela Pelosi presser or anything from the yap of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, who thinks the First Amendment has been suspended when it comes to making fun of her.

My pet rock, Seymour -- who used to enjoy making fun of Kim Jong Un -- has now found a new "fun to be made of" character in the form of AOC.  And while she had nothing to do with the email scam, she has plenty to do with it's editing:


Email Header:  Reply Urgent...Please...ANYONE...  

Federal Reconstituted Virgins Genital Rebushing Project (EN)
(Eunuch Nations Assisted Programmed)
Directorate of Douche Audit Unit

Ref: OMG/WTF/VOL.Category /A1

Re:

SUBJECT: ANNUAL SCHEME BY THE MORE COWBELL COLLECTIVE

With reference to the above-mentioned subject; We apologize

for the email.  Our robotic vacuum/oral sex machine used the

wrong list of emails here.

Furthermore, Be informed that all necessary documentations has been
declared circum nada genital Iditarod and forwarded to the dead letter

office of the Nigerian Postal Service where there's nothing going but corruption.

 The Eunuch Nations Dysfunctional program (ENDP), in conjunction with

a robotic dildo on loan from a house of prostitution in the Democrap

National Committee offices, has no idea what the flying fish f**k they're

doing worldwide.

Note: All qualified in our database were randomly picked from cemetery

registries over 100,000 internet websites and frightfully inflated DNC

voter registration drives of cartoon characters and inanimate objects

in Kaliforlornia.

Just a gentle reminder; if you make fun of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez,

she'll try to send you to a gulag, even though she's too stupid to

know she ain't got the power to do that.

=====================================
EX COMPOST FACTO VERIFICATION FORM
=====================================
1. FULL NAME.:......................
2. CONTACT ADDRESS.:... .........
3. NATIONALITY...................
4. SEX...........
5. AGE /DATE OF BIRTH: .......
6. TEL/FAX N0:...................
7. OCCUPATION :................
========================================

This is to notify you that the OFFICE OF THE RECTUM HELL KILLED THEM

ALL OF OPERATIONS DISCREDITED has finally approved zucchini

enemas for all the women and wannabes of the DNC.  Also be it known to

you that we have made it very difficult for anybody to understand one word

Nancy Bela Pelosi says, let alone what Maxipad Waters demands be impeached,

from a door knob to a tree stump.

(NOTE)
Lastly, we want to note you that we have been receiving messages on
your behalf from other folks from different country telling us that
you have been turned into a multi-tentacled marmot by an African

spell caster named Ukulele Ungabunga Boo.  If true, would you

please send us a picture; we ain't never seed nuffin like dat.

Thanks for your co-operation, which will amaze us if we get it.

Best Regards,

David Moore.
Director,
Federal Reconstituted Virgins Genital Rebushing Project (EN)  

 

 

I didn't get a response from the scammer, but I am given to understand that AOC wants to subpoena Seymour and Waters wants to impeach him.

 

"Do NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!" 

Now You Know What Becomes Of Failed Campaign Stuff

It sucks to be Jim Acosta.

Probably more so 'cuz I make fun of him here without this post being about him.  He loses twice.

Dying inheritance scams.  I get almost more of those than I get faux-FBI scams of late.  They never change, save for the names and some aspect of the woes befalling the scammer.

Almost as bad as Acosta losing his WH pass for behaving like a twat omelet.

Here's the latest in the series of 'dying inheritance' scams:


Peace be upon you,

Hello please forgive me for stressing you with my predicaments as I
know that this letter may come to you  as big surprise. Truly, i came
across your contact email address through my personal search, then
afterward I decided to email you directly believing that you will be
honest to help me before i die. And if in case you're doubting me
please kindly go into google and do some research with my name for your
clarification.

And i know that is hard to believe all because so many scammers all
over the world are using cancer  healness to scam people which have
been a victim once, but please i beg you in the name of God, don't
force yourself to do this for me cause am not putting you under any
obligation, kindly follow your  instinct because am also afraid for my
life savings not to go into the hands of scammers again. And my spirit
tells me you're the right person to help me that is why i send you this
message directly to you. 

Mean while, I am Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi, President of Emirates
Dental Society, (MOH) UAE.  Am 56  years of Age from (United Arab
Emirate), a registered doctor by profession but sadly I am suffering
from  long time cancer and from all indication my condition is really
deteriorating as my doctors have confirmed  and courageously advised me
that I may not live beyond two months from now for the reason that my
tumor  has reached a critical stage which has defiled all forms of
medical treatment. 

Actually, my husband was dealing on Gold Dust and Gold Dory Bars in
(Africa) Burkina Faso till his sudden  death in the year 2011 then I
took over his business till date but currently, I have a deposit sum of
four  million five hundred thousand US dollars [$4,500,000.00] with one
of the leading bank in Burkina Faso but  unfortunately I cannot visit
the bank since I’m critically sick and powerless to do anything
myself.

But my bank account officer advised me to assign any of my trustworthy
relative, friends or partner with  authorization letter to stand as the
recipient of my money but sorrowfully my only beloved daughter died  at
the age of 19 years and I don’t have any reliable relative and no other
child.  Therefore, I want you to receive the money and take 50%  as
your share while 50% should be use basically  on humanitarian purposes
mostly to orphanages home, Motherless babies home, less privileged 
around the  world. As soon as I receive your reply I will give you
every details you need.

Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi
email: dalsuwaidi@aol.com  


The reply that Dr. Mrs. Alsuwaidi was counting on was sent, though not in the form that she had been counting on...my pet rock, Seymour, was ever eager to do an edit job that would make me proud:

From: Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi <kethy@ono.com>
Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2018 4:53 AM
Subject: May A Drunken Marmot Molest Your Blender

 

I read what my smell pecker wrote here, and I say unto mineself, "WTF?"

Hello please forgive me for stressing you with my predicaments that

involve sheep, inflatables, gender fluidity and feces, but really, I had

to share this with someone that doesn't know me, so that I'd have

plausible deniability if a democrap senator ever gets a letter exposing

all this.  We all know what dishonest opportunists that democraps are.

Truly, i came across your contact email address through my network of

primate perverts that surf the 'net, looking for far-left kinky to debase

themselves with.  Despite trepidation, I decided to email you directly

believing that if a sheep is a ram, and a donkey in an ass, a ram in the

ass will result in a goose.  And in this, I am adam ant.

I know that single-digit IQs are hard to believe; then you listen to

Maxine Waters and Jim Acosta, and you realize that this kind of

stupid is a choice and pretty rampant in the Democrap party.  That

isn't why I send you this message directly to you, but it is when

the choice was you or a leaking, squeaking inflatable Cory Booker

Phartacus campaign balloon for 2020. 

I am Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi, President of Emirates
Dental Society, (EDS), located in the UAE, which is located in

the Middle East, where even our camels get dentures when

they age and their humps sag.  I am 56  years of age; a registered

sex offender by profession but sadly I am suffering from a long

time bout of genital warts from doing camel gynecology. 

Yes, it's a thing here.  Getting a camel in those stirrups is, as one can

imagine, quite a chore.  I actually had my nose inverted by an unruly

patient in '16, and I've had two dozen surgeries attempting to fix the

problem.  

Meantime my husband was dealing in Hillary For President 2008 surplus

tampons in (Africa) Burkina Faso till his sudden death in the year 2017

when he accidentally found over 30,000 of Hillary's emails stuffed inside

each tampon.  The authorities ruled that he committed suicide, though

I rather doubt that; I've never seen anyone arrange to have a large

house dropped on them by squadrons of flying monkeys, with a

broom-riding sumo-sized witch, leading them, cackling and coughing

insanely as they salvoed the house on him.

He could have simply killed himself by watching cnn for an hour.

Actually, all my family are extinct (I'm related to a family tree that

was all aborted in 1950), and my only daughter became a non-binary

gender-neutral octosexual orthopod and is making Molotov cocktails for

Antifa in Portland, so I don’t have any reliable relative and no other
child.  Therefore, if you have read closely all that I have writ here, you

will avoid me like the plague, delete this email, purge your computer

of any emails like this, take a vow of abscess and avoid the one that

makes the fart go honda.  For this can only lead to a cross between

a Jehovah Witness and an atheist, which creates a person who'll knock

on your door for no reason. 

I do want you to remember this:  I am holding myself in reserve, in case

the krauts mount a counter offensive which threatens Paris, or maybe

even New York, then I can move in and stop them with flatulence most

foul.

I can do that.  I eat garlic flavored onions.

As soon as I receive your reply I will give you every details you need to

confirm that I'm as big a loon as Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. 

Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi
email: dalsuwaidi@aol.com

The "Dr. Mrs." quickly realized that the reply received from my pet rock was not going to bring her the spiritual succor that she allegedly sought.

 

Nor did cnn and Acosta find any succor here, either.

Tales From The Griffin

The title will make sense morgue-intarily.

Another day, another dying inheritance scam from another Third World dunghole internet scam cafe.

Here 'tis:


My name is Mrs.Janet Karoline Adams  I am 69 years old, I am a dying woman who have decided to donate what I have to you/churches/ motherless babies/less privileged/widows.I was diagnosed for cancer for about 7 years ago.

so recently my doctor diagnosed my health system again and i told me that i don't have long time on earth. I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for good work of God. I have asked God to forgive me and believe he has, because he is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation soon.I decided to WILL/donate the sum of 3.5 million United States dollars to you for the good work of God, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives (That have squandered the funds I gave them for this purpose before) are around me and my health status also.

I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware. I wish you all the best and may the good god bless you abundantly, and please use the Funds judiciously and always extend the good work to others. As soon you get back to me, I shall give you info on what I need from you then you will contact my bank and tell them I have willed (3.5 million dollars) to you by quoting my personal reference number: and I have also notified my bank that I am willing that amount to you for a good, effective and prudent work. I know I don't know you very well but I have been directed to do this by God.

Thanks and God bless.
Janet Adams.  


Uh huh.  Like thousands of others my character has received.

As it so happened, at the time I was perusing this, there was a brief snippet in my news feed that featured the empty-headed Kathy Griffin, and more of her vacuous drivel.

*TOING*

The direction of the email edit was now determined:

From: Janet Adams <iMrsjanetadams@outlook.com>
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2018 10:09 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: Please Read and get back to me with corrections, comments, recommendations ...

 

Greeting and hallucinogens

My name is Mrs. Janet Karoline Adams.  No, not related to the Addams Family; only one "d".  

I was born in a leap year, which means that in a chronological sense, I only age once every four years.  Except at the turn of a century, where I have an 8 year gap in birthdays, except for in the year 2000.

What this should tell you is that I am, by your standards, older than running water or a fruit cake passed down for generations because it's inherent and inedible.  By the standards of my leap year birth, I am 69 years old.  Had I been born in a non-leap year, I would be dead long ago in normal human standards, for I was born in 1736.  Having a birthday only once every four years -- except at the turn of the 19th and 20th Centuries -- I am now 69 years old.  So what happens to you over a year, takes on average four years to happen to me.

Depending on what it is, that sucks for you or me, but I digress.

I was diagnosed for cancer of the calendar for about 7 of my years ago; or in other words, in 1992.  I am outlasting the diagnosis of my doctors -- two of which died already, because they age at four times the pace that I do -- so far, and I might outlast a couple more, since I turn 70 on February 29, 2020.

Let's not talk about birthday parties and sh*t like that; I've been getting screwed on that from the beginning.

Recently my umpteenth doctor diagnosed my health system again and told me that I might not make it to 2020.  Having nearly been touched by a heavenly anvil while playing golf -- lightning hit nearby, and I survived only because God couldn't hit the 1 iron I was wielding at the time, any more than I did -- I have been called upon to donate from what I have inherited from my late husbands, all of which died years and centuries ago.  Most of those bastards bequeathed me only minor material things -- one left me a lacquered collection of human snot formed into peculiar shapes, and another left me the longest recorded bowel movement in human history, laminated and on loan to the Smithsonian -- so I don't have much to leave.  But I have to leave it to someone, otherwise they might be tempted to jam all that sh*t into my coffin, and I can't bear the thought of eternity with the world's largest laminated human bowel movement. 

I hear even the Smithsonian can't wait to get rid of it.

At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my ears have long since fallen off. 
 I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware, I think; the last one I commissioned did my will in 1940.  Be that as it might or might notten be, I wish you all the best and may you find something useful to do with a collection of lacquered snot and the world's longest laminated human bowel movement, among other ends and very odds.  As soon you get back to me, I shall probably foul myself repeatedly, because I lost control of that function in 2008.  

I know I don't know you very well but I have been directed to do this by a power that you'll probably want to pull the lips off of, once you have time to properly consider it all.

Janet Adams.

The edit drew no response from the originating scamstress, but it did draw this response from one of my former scammers who occasionally wonders why I continue to torment him thus:

why are you not leave me alone?  what is this content to me?  


It's pretty much what your content was to me...except I made it more funny.  


This subject and content shall be revisited again soon, as a couple days later, yet another former scammer weighed in on what I dun to their emails, Ma...and it was worthy of a revisit.

Ettu, Scammer

Email scams from US ambassadors always crack me up.

What happens to them in edit, usually doesn't crack them up.

Here's the latest:


US Embassy Nairobi
United Nations Avenue Nairobi
P. O. Box 606 Village Market
00621 Nairobi, Kenya

Greetings from the Embassy

The mission of the United States Embassy is to advance the interests of the Americans and South Americans, and to serve and protect US citizens and help foreigners in Kenya and the masses worldwide.

I want to use this great opportunity to tell you that we have received so much report from the West Africa on how you have spent so much money and struggling to receive your fund but you have not succeeded, I want to inform you that we the US Embassy Kenya have decided to Handle this because I can see that they are playing games over there and you will keep on sending money for nothing, We have found out that the west African system are so much corrupt when you mentioned Benin Republic, NIGERIA, GHANA and TOGO. We don't want such a thing here in Republic of Kenya because the Government here is taking good care of the People very well, I tried so much to gather all the information about you and have found out that so many things have gone wrong in the past.

I, Mr. Robert F. Godec the United States Ambassador to Kenya will never involve myself or this Embassy in such atrocities and abominable deeds, I have the record of $15.5m United State Dollars in your name and by the Power and strength of this office then you will receive your Fund through Bank, You should get back to me with your full contact details such as Your Full name, Country and City address, Occupation and Gender, Private phone no and home address.

Finally you still have the opportunity to receive your funds through bank to bank transfer or atm card delivery.

Please state your choice on the above options once you read this email. I will wait to hear from you now.

Mr. Robert F. Godec
E-mail: { robertgodec@usembassy-gov.org }  


Needless to say, the scammer was not counting on this response:

From: US EMBASSY NAIROBI <ate@mnl.airtiger.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 27, 2018 11:12 PM
To: US EMBASSY NAIROBI
Subject: Eaten At The Embassy

 

US Embassy Nairobi
United Nations Avenue Nairobi
P. O. Box 606 Village Market
00621 Nairobi, Kenya

Eaten At The Embassy

The mission of the United States Embassy is to advance the interests of the Americans worldwide.

I want to use this opportunity to tell you that my mission is over.  I was eaten by the Kenyans at a gala fete last week. 

Yes...I, Mr. Robert F. Godec the United States Ambassador to Kenya, was eaten by the Kenyans last week.  Baked, sauteed, fried.  They left nothing of me.  They even ate my ass and genitals.

I've had better evenings.

After such an atrocity, I will never involve myself in another such overseas adventure again.  It was almost as bad as the dems faking abject nonsense against Brett Kavanaugh. 

Finally, if you get any more emails from me, you'll know to delete them, because I have been eaten by the Kenyans.  And their table manners sucked worse than Dianne Frankenfeinstein.

Mr. Robert F. Godec
E-mail: { robertgodec@usembassy-gov.org }  

 

 

At least the scammer was sharp enough to recognize the obvious:

 

 

that was not my letter  

 

 

It is now.  

 

 

With that response, the scammer was content to allow himself to rest in peace, at least as regards further repertoire with yours truly.

 

 

 

Picking A Peck of Pickled Peckers

In case the picture here makes no sense, wait for it...it will.

A banker in the African nation of Togo thought the best way to start out an email scam to my character was to do so by referencing ethics and codes of conduct.

Always a way to make me laugh at the outset:


It is totally against the ethics and civil service code of conduct in
accordance with oath of secrecy for me to do this but I wish to do this on
personal capacity believing you will not betray me but will surely come
back to reward me for my sincerity, honesty and for my great effort made to
secure a successful conclusion of this transaction in your favor.

Please confirm if truly the bank has communicated you regarding payment of
your over due fund.

However, i wish to inform you that a woman submitted her name claiming that
you were death, and she is to be your next of kin, her details and banking
particular was among the list certified for payments, see below and confirm
for the account she submitted for transfer of your fund in our corresponding bank here in west Africa worth millions of dollars.

Beneficiary: Ms.Rhonda Miller
Bank Name: The Commerce Bank
Bank Address: 1072, Richmond av.
Staten Island, New York
Account Number: 4121097896,
Routing No:003-051-200,
Swift Code: CBNAUS33

I have inquired deeper to come to the conclusion that she and few powerful
individuals are behind this dastardly act without due notices to you, As it
stands now, you will certainly encounter enormous problems to convince the
International Remittance Department that you have not been served with
required number of direct notices.

You are therefore advised to submit your approval, as the bank will
certainly not be held responsible for paying into a wrong account, It will
serve you well if you would quickly get back to me so that i can issue
instruction for re-verification on your payment file towards Online
Transfer of your fund to you.

Please contact me here:  dhoroteagales@yahoo.com

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Dhorothea Gales
Corporate and Commercial Banking.(BSIC BANK OF TOGO).  


I also love the "don't betray me" angle.

So my character didn't 'betray' her; he just edited her:

From: Mrs. Dhorothea Gales< dev@fluidonomics.com>
Sent: Thursday, August 30, 2018 10:46 PM
Subject: Greeting & Fallopian Mortar Tubes

 

It is totally against the ethics and civil service code of conduct in
accordance with oath of secrecy for me to do this; that is why I do

this.  I am a democrap.  We have no ethics or code of conduct.

 

I wish that you will not betray me on YouBoob or in Wankerleaks;

if you're going to betray me, by all means, do it on cnn because no

one believes those nippleheads anymore.

 

However, i wish to inform you that a non-binary gender fluid octosexual

orthopod claims to have pictures of you leaving a Motel 6 in Georgetown,

a suburbian of Warshington DC at 2:45am, with a yak, an inflatable Hellary

sex toy and a either a set of bagpipes or a very leaky, squeaking octopus.

 

 

She says that for not turning these over to Robert Mueller's incestigation

of anything he can make up, you owe her everything in the secret bank

account in NY state that has been maintained for you by a pious group of

chaste marmot nuns that were recently chasted by a three-peckered goat

at their convent. 

I guess you must have pictures of that and they know it.

In a possible three-way trade with Oakland, you get a tackling dummy and

future draft busts, but I digress.

Somehow, this whole hokey scenario is worth millions of dollars to the

perversion-starved population of Uranus, who recently had their porn

channel on Nutflux interrupted by a mockumentary of Moochelle Obola's

sex change therapy. 

Maybe that's why the bagpipes/leaking, squeaking octopus was making so

much noise.

 Anyway, use this bank account information for any blackmailer that you

encounter, because none of it's worth a crap but it sounds convincing:

Beneficiary: Ms.Rhonda Miller
Bank Name: The Commerce Bank
Bank Address: 1072, Richmond av.
Staten Island, New York
Account Number: 4121097896,
Routing No:003-051-200,
Swift Code: CBNAUS33

I have inquired deeper to come to the conclusion that frog hair is a better

name of a junk band than for a brand name of genital hair conditioner.

Not related necessarily, but did you know that she and few powerful
individuals are behind this dastardly act without due notices to you?

Please insert $2500 for this part of the message to be explained.

Assuming that you probably didn't insert the $2500 -- you twat omelet, you --

you is or are therefore advised to submit your approval in the form of a

yak baphomet, as the bank will certainly not be interested in putting one of

these in a safe deposit box; they fart and violate the integrity of the box locks.

It will serve you well if you would quickly get back to me so that i can see

what someone did to this email, Ma, so I know how it's turning out all wrong,

just like they done to my song.
 
Please contact me here:  dhoroteagales@yahoo.com

Mrs. Dhorothea Gales
Corporate and Commercial Butt Diving, TOGO 

not members SDIC  


I heard nothing further from the Togo banker, but the SDIC wants to know how they wound up in here...