Saturday, October 28, 2017

Benin & Scams & Asteroids Oh My

"Pennies from Heaven".  Not.

Scams from Benin.  Not pennies from Heaven.

A typical Western Union scam from Benin wherein I'm to believe I'm getting thousands of dollars for nothing...other than a measly $200 fee, which cannot be deducted from the balance.

Uh huh.

Here's the gist of the scam, and from none other than a Dr. Prince Raymond:


Attention:Dear Customer,

Welcome to Western Union Money Transfer Agent, We wish to inform you that the
IMF have release your fund sum of $1,8 million US dollars issued on your name
the money was deposited with us in this Office as MTCN credit card, we shall be
sending the money to you everyday $6000.00usd until we complete the
total payment.

We are very glad to inform you that we have processed  your first payment of
$6000.00usd, but bare it in mind that the $6000.00usd will not be given to you
except you pay for service charges which is $200, you have to pay the money
through our service western union to the information we give you here, then
after confirm the payment of $200. from you, we shall release your  first $6000.00
usd to enable you pick it up and get back to us for the second payment,As you
can see here is the MTCN Number of your first payment which we credited for you
today, track it with our website: [http://www.westernunion.com,to]www.westernunion.com,to confirm that your  payment is available.

1)Senders Name:  Peter Iwunor
2)MTCN...3457224536
3)Amount: $6000.00 USD.
Track it with our website:
https://wumt.westernunion.com/
asp/orderStatus.asp?country=CN

Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Prince Raymond
Finance Minister,
Federal Republic Of Benin.
Direct:Telephone Number:+229-68649485
E-mail: w.union590@gmail.com

Yes, they have millions of US dollars and crave to give it away to poor ol' Western fellers like me, and for a mere pittance of what they wish to give away.

And Hillary is an honest person, too.  BWHAHAHAHAHA.

I decided to see what attention Dr. Prince Raymond was paying in my character's reply:

I will send you $200 on the day a space meteor wipes out Benin. 


The good Dr. Prince Raymond is articulate, educated and literate as are all talking points following scammers, as his reply indicates:


Welcome to Western Union Money Transfer Agent, your reply is read and well noted,
We wish to inform you that the  IMF have release your fund sum of $1,8 million US dollars issued on your name  the money was deposited with us in this Office as MTCN credit card, we shall be  sending the money to you everyday $6000.00usd until we complete the total payment.

 We are very glad to inform you that we have processed  your first payment of  $6000.00usd, but bare it in mind that the $6000.00usd will not be given to you  except you pay for service charges which is $200, you have to pay the money  through our service western union to the information we give you here, then  after confirm the payment of $200. from you, we shall release your first $6000.00  usd to enable you pick it up and get back to us for the second payment,As you  can see here is the MTCN Number of your first payment which we credited for you  today, track it with our website: [http://www.westernunion.com,to]www.westernunion.com,to confirm that your  payment is available.  



"your reply is read and well noted".   And then plainly ignored.

Okay, let's try again:

I will send $200 to Benin a day after a city-sized asteroid obliterates Benin. 

This is followed by yet another response from the very oriented-to-template Dr. Prince Raymond:


Dear Friend
I understod you point all I try is to make sure you receive your fund to aviod delay okay
Your full information is needed to avoid mistake
Your Name====
Your Country===
Your phone number===
Your ID CARD

Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Prince Raymond
Finance Minister,
Federal Republic Of Benin.
Direct:Telephone Number:                          +229-68649485
E-mail:w.union590@gmail.com 



It is clear that you have not understood my point twice.  How "well read and understood" can you be when you completely miss the point because you're wedded to a talking points template that allows you no room for independent thought and action?  I will try this once more:  I will send you $200 on the day I hear that Benin has been obliterated by an asteroid.  

Perhaps a small winkling of light is shed on the template brain of Dr. Prince Raymond:

i am not  believe you mean what you say?  


Oh yes you am believe I mean what I say.  Get back to me when you've been wiped out by an asteroid, and I'll send you $200.  I won't until that day.  


this you say is rediculos!  


Be that as it may...you won't get your $200 until an asteroid wipes out your pathetic internet café and all surroundings ones similarly employed as yours is.  Let me know when that happens, and I'll send you $200.  


Dr. Prince Raymond either decided that my character wasn't fit to do business with...or he's sky watching, waiting for an opportunity for his $200...

Labels: , , ,

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

The DNC Meets Halloween Edits

Yes, as Halloween approaches, there ARE scary things.
For example.

I got another one of those emails from the Department of the Treasury, the UN, IMF, World Bank, WTF et al, telling me not to deal with scammers and only deal with them.

They don't see the irony in that, but here's how it started:


Subject:  CONTACT BANK OF ENGLAND  STOP CONTACTING SCAMMERS

This is to notify you that your funds worth $6.5 Million United State Dollars has been approved for transfer without any delay. It is left for you to contact the Bank Of England { United Kingdom } for your payment. Be informed all directives has been given to them (Bank Of England) there is nothing to worry about as long as we are here. The United Nation, International Monetary Funds, FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION, and particularly the United State Government and also the Department of Treasury are all keeping tabs on this transaction. We are very sure that there should be no problem in receiving your funds.


Your information is with the Bank Of England as we have forwarded all your data to them in regards to release your funds, all your information have been sent to us from the National Security Agency ( N.S.A) in support from Washington. So for this, your security is ensured that you are in a safe hands.Please for your own good and safety you are advice to stop all pending and previous transactions with a third party. If you are in any way, in contact of receiving your Funds from ( Lagos _ Nigeria ) or Benin, we believe that what ever you are doing with them is a fraudulent attempt to rip you off your money.  



And they went on to list twenty some odd names, most of whom I am familiar with out of Scamland.  I love when they diss their fellow scammers in order to perpetrate a scam themselves.

Meh.

At any rate, an edit was called for.  So I used the biggest scam organization I know just now, to give the edit credibility:


Subject:   You Can't Contact Bank of England if you Stop Contacting Scammers

 ATTENTION : Payment Atrophication

This is to notify you that you has been approved for transfer without any delay. It is left for you to contact the Bank Of England { United Kingdom } to make this arrangement.  Be informed all directives has been given to them ( Bank Of England ) there is everything to worry about as long as we are here.  The United Nation, International Monetary Funds, FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVESTIGATION, and particularly the United State Government and also the Department of Treasury are all keeping tabs on who's trying to grab Taylor Swift's butt cheeks. We are very sure that there should be no problem if those persons so inclined would try grabbing Kim Kardashian's ass, instead.

You can't miss an ass that big.

Your information is with the [ Bank Of England ] as we have forwarded all your data to them in regards to release you for transfer.  All your information have been sent to us from the National Security Agency ( N.S.A) in a data breach from Equiphux with support from Russia and Wikileaks, via Hellary's illicit server.  So for this, your security is ensnared in a web of democrap deceit being orchestrated by the DNC from their basement outhouse that Tim Kaine oversees when he's not making incredibly stupid statements to the mediocres who are only too happy to overlook what he says, while piling on Melania Trump over her high heels, like Martha Crowley would be able to manage them. 

Please for your own good and safety you are advice to stop worrying about your own good and safety.  If you are in any way, in contact of receiving your Funds from ( Lagos _ Nigeria ) or { Benin ], we believe that what ever you are doing with them is a fraudulent attempt to rip off your money that is ours to rip off.

The DNC has all been listed as scammers, so we welcome them into our organization.  Especially those wearing vagina costumes.

Scam Names Listed below to donate money to via us;

1) Hellary Rodehard Clinton
2) Senator Chuck U Schumer
2) Nancy Bela Pelosi
3) Debbie Wasserpuss Schultz aka Medusa
3) Anthony 'Dork Texter' Weiner
4) Tim 'Door Knob Intellect' Kaine
5) Maxi Pad Waters
6) Hank "Guam's Gonna ROLL" Johnson
7) Don "Fake News" Lemon
8) "Cheatin' Tax" Al Not So Sharpton
9) Mr. Rachal Madcow, fake news, pmsnbc
10) Reprehensible Luiz "Full of Caca" Guitierrez
11) Mayor Rahm "No Lie Should Be Wasted" Emmanuel, Pity of Shotcago
12) Mrs. Barack Hussein Obola and her husband, Michelle
13) Al "Man-Bear-Pig" Gore
14) Ashley Twatwaffle Judd
15) Steven Colbert Fallon Kimmel aka The Pencil Neck Boyz
16) John Rino McPain
17) Bill "Blow Sh*t Up Weatherman" Ayers
18) Linda Islamofascist Sarsour
19) The entire Hollyweird Leftard community
20) "Needs a safe space" Cupcake Shep Smith
21) The Vacuous Dysintellects of The View


Be informed that we have given order to Art Carney, the former sewer worker of The Honeymooners, to monitor all fecal transactions and make sure you are cheated in any way.  Don't let the fact that he's dead dissuade you; the DNC solicits votes from the dead every election.  That's why we hate voter ID verification.

Name : Mark Carney
Email : markcarney028@gmail.com

Your cooperation and understanding on this is needed to stop any other transaction in any form with any one or bank or any organisation and comply with the The Governor, Bank of England to limit the risk of scam globally .


 Demoncrap National Crimemittee
430 South Capitol St SE,
Washington, D.C. 20003 
Disunited States if we have our way

...........................................................................................................................

Please be notify that this email or message regarding you is send to you from US Demoncrap National Crimemittee in cooperation with the United Nation office of international email scams to remove limit to any fraudulent act under the jurisdiction of the United State Government : we scoff at the Fraud Act of 1988 in conjunction with the DNC therefore, any copy right of email doesn't mean jack sh*t or any other bowel movement.

 



As usual, I copied the DNC on this when sending it back to the originating scammer and a boat load of their piers and colliers.  As usual, no reply from the DNC.
 
I think they're still busy obsessing on Melania's shoes.



Labels: , , ,

Sunday, October 22, 2017

It's All In The Edit II

You'll soon understand what the minkey is laughing about.

My character heard from Gary Johnson, with yet another ploy to get money out of my character with the usual chicanery from Scam Land:


Interim Assistance General Manager,
(Operations, Maintenance, Transportation)
Harrisburg International Airport Pennsylvania
One Terminal Drive, Middle town,
PA 17057, Pennsylvania USA

Dear Jack Ewehoff,

                 Your Abandoned Package For Delivery

I have very vital information to give to you, but first I must have your trust before I review it to you because it may cause me my job, so I need somebody that I can trust for me to be able to review the secret to you.

I am Mr. Gary Johnson, head of luggage/baggage storage facilities (Operations, Maintenance, Transportation) here at the Harrisburg International Airport, Pennsylvania USA. During my recent withheld package routine check at the Airport Storage Vault, I discovered an abandoned shipment from a Diplomat from London and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in a Metal Trunk Box weighing approximately 110kg. The consignment was abandoned because the Contents of the consignment was not properly declared by the consignee as "MONEY" rather it was declared as personal effect to avoid interrogation and also the inability of the diplomat to pay for the United States Non Inspection Charges which is $13,700USD. On my assumption the consignment is still left in our Storage House here at the Harrisburg International Airport Pennsylvania till date. The details of the consignment including your name, your email address and the official documents from the United Nations office in Geneva are tagged on the Trunk box

However, to enable me confirm if you are the actual recipient of this consignment as the assistant director of the Inspection Unit, I will advise you provide your current Phone Number and Full Address, to enable me cross check if it corresponds with the address on the official documents including the name of nearest Airport around your city. Please note that this consignment is supposed to have been returned to the United States Treasury Department as unclaimed delivery due to the delays in concluding the clearance processes so as a result of this, I will not be able to receive your details on my official email account. So in order words to enable me cross check your details, I will advise you send the required details to my private email address for quick processing and response. Once I confirm you as the actual recipient of the trunk box, I can get everything concluded within 48 hours upon your acceptance and proceed to your address for delivery.

Lastly, be informed that the reason I have taken it upon myself to contact you personally about this abandoned consignment is because I want us to transact this business and share the money 70% for you and 30% for me since the consignment has not yet been returned to the United States Treasury Department after being abandoned by the diplomat so immediately the confirmation is made, I will go ahead and pay for the United States Non Inspection Fee of $13,700 dollars and arrange for the box to be delivered to your doorstep Or I can bring it by myself to avoid any more trouble but you have to assure me of my 30% share
.  


The reply was in the form of an edit...and assuming that my scamming audience is low information democrats (very likely), it includes pictures:


Interim Assistance Genital Monitor,
(Maintenance)
Hairlessburg International Airport
One Terminal Drive, Muddledtown,
PA 17057, USA
Hello Kitty Litter,

                 Your Abandoned With Good Cause Package For Delivery

I have very little information to give to you, but first I must have your trust before I review it to you because it may cause me my job at Petsmart, so I need somebody that I can trust for me to be able to review the secret to you.



I am Mr. Gary With A Johnson, genital monitor here at the Hairlessburg International Airport Petsmart. During my recent prank of replacing cat litter with pop rocks -- always a good time had by all if you survive the cat's reaction -- I discovered an abandoned shipment from a Diplomat from Londonderry, Ohio.

  When scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of monkeys with wings in a Metal Trunk Box weighing approximately 1110kg. The consignment was abandoned because the Contents of the consignment was trying to rip the lips off of munchkins of the Lickmylollypop Guild, and was not properly declared by the consignee as "SURLY FLYING MONKEYS"; rather it was declared as what was behind Curtain #2 during an old Let's Make A Deal episode to avoid interrogation and also the inability of the diplomat to pay for the United States Non Inspection Charges which is $13,700 USD.

Who knew that surly flying monkeys were so pricey?

Left in the  Storage House here at the Hairlessburg International Airport's indoor outhouse complex, the monkeys have wrought considerable havoc, and they have attracted an angry, disillusioned former presidential candidate who can only be controlled by a girl with ruby red slippers and a bucket of water.

Even peacekeepers from the United Nations office in Geneva are clearly out of their element here, just as they are everywhere else.

However, to enable me confirm if you are the actual recipient of this consignment as the assistant director of the Inspection Unit, I will advise you provide your current Phone Number and Full Address, to enable me cross check if it corresponds with the address on the official documents including the name of nearest Airport around your city. Please note that this consignment is supposed to have been returned to the United States Treasury Department as unclaimed delivery due to the delays in concluding the clearance processes so as a result of this, I will not be able to receive your details on my official email account. So in order words to enable me cross check your details, I will advise you send the required details to my private email address for quick processing and response. Once I confirm you as the actual recipient of the trunk box, I can get everything concluded within 48 hours upon your acceptance and proceed to your address for delivery.

Lastly, be informed that the reason I have taken it upon myself to contact you personally about this abandoned consignment is because I want us to transact this business and spank the monkeys 70% for you and 30% for me since the consignment has not yet been realized by the United States Treasury Department after being abandoned by the diplomat who couldn't part with it fast enough to avoid having his lips ripped off.  If my negotiating skills are worth a sodomized goat -- and in Syria, I am most good at this -- I will go ahead and pay for the United States Non Inspection Fee of $13,700 dollars and arrange for the box to be delivered to your doorstep, because I don't want the fucking thing.

I wait to hear from you urgently if you are still alive; I wait to hear from you just as urgently if you are dead.  Either way I will appreciate if we can keep this deal confidential and do not get back to me via my primate's  Email address (
garyleejohnson2086@gmail.com) for further directives because if he finds out there's flying monkeys in the box, that angry, disillusioned failed presidential candidate might show up here and I don't have any buckets to fill with water.

Gary With A Johnson

Interim Assistance Genital Monitor,
(Maintenance)
Hairlessburg International Airport
One Terminal Drive, Muddledtown,
PA 17057, USA    
 
 
Ol' Gary wasn't apparently able to follow this upGuess I didn't include enough pictures...
 
 
 

Labels: , , , , ,

Thursday, October 19, 2017

When Computer Nerds Are Too Smart To Be Wise

I know some computer nerds who are as street smart as they are tech savvy.

And I know a couple who can write code but don't know to wipe their nose.

But in Scamland...you have the faux nerds who can't fake the know how or know when they're had.

Check out this alleged bank computer whiz:


Dear Friend,

I am Ms. Lucy Nnaya, a computer scientist with UBA Bank. I am 29 years old, just started work with UBA Bank. I came across your (B) file which was marked X and your released D disk painted RED, I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and certificate but the fund has not been release to you. The most annoying thing is that they cannot tell you the truth that on no account will they ever release the fund to you. Please this is like a Mafia setting in Benin Republic/ Burkina Faso and Nigeria; you may not understand it because you are not from this country. The only thing I will need to release this fund to you is a special HARD DISK. I will buy two of it, recopy your information, destroy the previous one, and punch the computer to reflect in your bank within 24 banking hours. I will clean up the tracer and destroy your file, after which I will quit the UBA bank i don't want to work with them again. Some mafias in the bank are behind the non release of your money that's why i managed to sneak out this information for your kind perusal.

If you are interested do get in touch with me immediately, you should send to me you phone numbers for easy communications and also re confirm your banking details, so that there won't be any mistake.

Regards,
Lucy.  



Okaaaaay:


You're proof that the bank doesn't do background checks.  


What do you mean?  


Simply that you're proof that the bank doesn't do background checks.  Read your original email.  


That is why our bank employed me as a computer scientist, if i we don't do back ground checking as you said i will not find out about you fund and i want you to know that some people in the bank are behind the non release of your fund.   


See?  You just proved my point.  Twice.  


i don't get it your meaning?


Yes, that's obvious.


are you interest in what i tell you about here?  


I would be if you were able to see what I see, to know that I know that your bank does lousy background checks, and that your computer expertise stops short of  "on-off", which it clearly do. 


what???  


What's on second. 


you make no sense.  goodby.


I make perfect sense.  You failed to sell what you offered as a good buy.  How will your Benin Mafia take your computer science *FAIL*.  Do they have cement pencil pocket protectors for lab coats?


Even the 'bot in Short Circuit  knows what's on second...

Labels: ,

Monday, October 16, 2017

Let's Fake A Deal

Leave it to a scammer to provide me with an opening to recall a famous TV game show from the 1960s-70s.

To see what I mean, feast your eyes on the following scam email:


Greetings,

I am surprised that you did not respond to my previous message till  now. Let me kindly introduce myself again, my name is Mr. Chris Odili.   I am contacting you to see if we can make a deal. I discovered an  unclaimed inheritance fund in our bank.

Actually I don’t have to involve myself officially because of my
position in the Bank but I know what will be required to release the
fund to you and I assure you it is very safe too. Please get back to
me now for more details:

May God bless your golden heart and soul.

Faithfully Yours,
Chris.



Never mind the assured safety of the transaction or my alleged "golden heart and soul" (which proves he don' know me vewy well, do he?)..my inner *TOING* was in the first paragraph, and from thence I runneth literarily amuck:


I hadn't responded to your message because until now you hadn't sent me one you simpering dolt. Check your email and try again.  But now that you've sent me one, I can respond to it.

Let's Make A Deal was a game show that had quite a following at one time. So, what happens if I choose what's behind Door #2?


This is serious business please. What are you talk about a number 2 door?

To the people that worked on it, Let's Make A Deal was a serious show. Please do not belittle their brand of serious by falsely elevating your own. And there is a significant different between what's behind Door #2, and a number 2 door. Please look into it and get back to me when you've achieved enlightenment.


Are we going to do business or not?

It depends on your degree of enlightenment and if you understand the difference between what's behind Door #2 and a number 2 door. A zen philosopher could sort you out in a minute on this. Got one? 



After a few days, it would appear that Chris Odili either didn't have a zen philosopher available, or he settled for what was behind Curtain #3, which explains both the *ZONK* and his change of mind about making a deal with me.

Too bad, too:  I really did want to know what was behind Door #2...

Labels: , ,

Friday, October 13, 2017

Sister Act

Yes, my pet rock Seymour realizes that this is a depiction of Kim Jong-Il, not Kim Jong-un.

Seymour simply doesn't care.

When it's time to edit his favorite pudgepot to edit, Seymour's in for anything.

"Am NOT!!!"

Okay...almost.

Take Seymour's latest edit of the breaking story about Kim Jong-un promoting his sister...and see what my perverse pet rock dun widdit:

North Korea: Kim Jong-un promotes incest with sister Kim Yo-jong


By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has promoted incest with his younger sister and ordered the secretive country’s neutered politburo to sanctify it.

Kim Yo-jong has been clear that Kim Jong-un's “suggestion” is “poopycork”, carefully reported the North Korean state media.

“It shows that she ain't gonna take it laying down or in any other position,” said Michael Roweddaboatashore, a North Korea expert at Hop Johnskins Eunuchversity.

For gender neutrality adherents, Kim Yo-jong is inside da coicle

The changes were announced after a meeting of the country’s central committee of the ruling Workers’ party, during which Kim said his nuclear programme were a “powerfur detergent that guaranteed overtaking Keeping Up With The Kardashians on cable TV”.

He then had his press secretary and about a dozen of the North Korean state media executed for teleprompter gaffes.

Amid rumours that Kim Jong-un’s sister is having an affair with Dennis Rodman, we examine why Stephen Colbert looks like such a dork. Then again, who cares about bent ears?




Kim Jong Suk and Kim Jong Dung, two of the surviving men behind Kim’s programme ideas, were also promoted amid a wider reshuffle and an increasingly tense stand off between Pyongyang and Trey Parker and Matt Stone – originators of South Park and Team America World Police – over their refusal to make a sequel starring Kim Jong-un, thwarting his Oscar ambitions.


Officials in Washington have attempted not to laugh too much at Colbert's ears.


Following North Korea’s most noteworthy kimshi fart that shook geography as far away as Wonson,

South Korea’s unification ministry said Kim’s promotions could be an attempt by North Korea to force Liechtenstein to return a missing North Korean sub and other sandwiches.

“The large-scale personnel reshuffle reflects that Kim Jong-un is into drugs and alcohol seriously, and that he’s looking to control the flock of pink elephants that invaded his palace recently,” the ministry said in a statement.


Like all members of North Korea’s ruling Kim dysentery, details of Kim Yo-jong’s bowels don't really interest us in this article. Yuck.

Kim Yo-jong has long been an enigma in North Korea’s porn industry and was recently given responsibility for developing the leader’s hair cut and stomach protrusion. South Korean media recently reported that she had replaced a veteran propaganda chief with a slow leaking Hellary sex toy and had assumed that the increasingly screechy squeak was common among American left leaking political failures.

In January, the US Treasury rejected placing Kim Yo-jong along with Barack Insane Obola on food stamps. A landmark moment of “DUH!!!” came for the rest of the world when the UN reported in 2016 that there was torture, execution and arbitrary imprisonment, deliberate starvation and an almost complete lack of free thought and belief in the country. And for once, the UN meant North Korea.

This really pissed Kim Jong-un off. He said the situation proved that North Korea’s policy of byungjin dyungjin fyungjin poopycork – the parallel development of painful rectal itch through the economy – was “absorutery right”.

In recent weeks, North Korea has launched two members of state media that displeased Kim over Japan and conducted a poll to see if Kim Jong-un is more popular among kneeling nfl players that support Antifa, and was confused to find out that no one was wearing Kim Jong-un t-shirts at West Point yet.

North Korea is preparing to test a pencil necked American leftist professor to see if he can help swing the next American election to Miley Cyrus, according to a Russian lawmaker who had just returned from a visit to cnn.


North Korean state media, which operates as the regime butt vacuum, announced that several other Russians all verified that Colbert's ears did look bent and funny.


Two women are currently on trial in Malaysia accused of photoshopping Kim Jong-un in place of Kim Kardashian with an unsuspecting Kanye West earlier this year.


The women, one Indonesian and the other Vietnamese, have pleaded not guilty by wearing vagina costumes and claiming that Anthony Weiner claimed to be Donald Trump and offered them top places in the Miss America Dog Pageant in Berkeley in 2018, and say they were duped into believing they were playing a harmless prank for a cnn hidden agenda. Four North Korean suspects wearing bent-earred Stephen Colbert masks were allowed to fly home in a prisoner exchange with a Liechtensteinian gerbil named Otto.


Seymour keeps taking these edits further and further from Pulitzer material, and ever closer to Onion territory.

"Do NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Labels: , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

What's Under YOUR Secretary?

Why THIS picture you ask?

Well, when one gets an email from an undersecretary, it leads one to wonder what might be UNDER that secretary, right?

Well, it does if you're me.

At any rate, here is a less than convincing email from an undersecretary...of International Affairs:


DEPARTMENT OF INT'L AFFAIRS
(Office of the Under Secretary)
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington D.C. 20220.
Attention: Beneficiary,
I am Mr.Steven Terner Mnuchin, the formal partner of Goldman Sachs and hedge fund manager. I'm the newly appointed United States Secretary of the Treasury  Department and was sworn in as the 77th Secretary of the United States Department of the Treasury of the administration of President Donald Trump, and Vice President Mike Pence.
Following series of complains from Citizens of the United States as well as Citizens of Other Countries In Europe over the Discrepancies and fraudulent ways in which fund transfers are handled by Africans which has made it impossible for a lot of People to claim their Winning prize or Inheritance funds from most African Countries due to frauds and illegal activities, A decision was reached recently by the United States Treasury Department under the authority of the White House to compel African Financial bodies (Banks) to urgently release all funds of Asian, American and European citizens and other geographic continents  that are trapped in most Banks and Courier Companies in Africa. It was discovered that some bureaucratic bottlenecks was put by these Banks and Couriers to make it impossible for beneficiaries to claim their funds so that they will fraudulently divert those funds to their private accounts.
Consequent upon the aforementioned, I was personally mandated to handle this matter to ensure that all funds of our Citizens and others countries which are fraudulently being trapped in African Banks are urgently retrieved and paid to the actual Beneficiaries under a legal manner. Our team of experts were delegated to Benin Republic, Nigeria, Ivory Coast and Ghana for this task and we discovered your File NO: BR227/9005666/00 as unclaimed fund.It was discovered that officials of the Bank has only put up illegal requirements in order to make it difficult for you to claim your fund.
The United States Department of Treasury has retrieved all Files of illegal transactions and all has been arrested for this act . however, we will be working under a legitimate arrangement to ensure that you follow the normal process to receive your fund.You are requested to Re-confirm the following information to Dr bryan mills.
1. YOUR NAME: 
2. AGE :
3. PHONE NUMBER AND FAX:
4. ADDRESS:
5. AMOUNT TO BE CLAIMED: $5.500,000.00usd
6. DRIVER LICENSE:
7. SEX :
Be informed that the above information will only enable us to make due confirmation.  We shall ensure that normal process is followed to ensure that your fund gets to you without delay or any unwarranted fees .
Contact Dr bryan mills who is in charges of paying you your trapped fund and he is right now in Benin Republic as the Legal Practitioner to United States Department of Treasury e-Mail below:
Contact Person: Dr bryan mills  Email:( bryanmills@onet.pl )
His phone number +229-99686380
Yours in Service
Mr.Steven T Mnuchin
(Under Secretary)  
 
 
Actually, Mnuchin IS Secretary of the Treasury, not an under secretary.  But meh.
 
Now we come to that part of the show wherein you get to see what the edit that went back to the scammer looked like.  It isn't pretty:
 

DEPARTMENT OF INT'L AFFAIRS
(Office of Who's Under The Secretary)
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington D.C. 20220.
YOUR CANTALOUPE GOT PEED ON
I am rather at a loss to explain the validity of this email to anyone, let alone a formal partner of Goldman Sachs and hedge fund manager.
I'm the newly disappointed that I am not directing Nick at Nite episodes of Laverne & Shirley in syndication in Liechtenstein.  I'm sure that it's a thing there.
This email was originally supposed to say some cornvoluptuous crap about the United States Secretary of the Treasury Department being sworn at 77 times in 180 languages -- I used crummy core math, 'nuff said -- and the current Secretary of the United States Department of the Treasury, if you ask, will not approve of this message.  Massage, yes, but not this.
Following series of complains from Citizens of the United States as well as Citizens of Other Countries In Europe over the Discrepancies and fraudulent ways in which cnn totally screws the news --  which has made it impossible for a lot of nippleheads at cnn to run for president in 2020 -- frauds and illegal activities are SOP there. 
It ain't any better at pmsnbc.
A decision was reached recently by the United States Treasury Department under the authority of the White House to compel constipated mathematicians to quit working it out with a pencil, only to turn around and sell the damned things when kids go back to school.  Yuck.
African Financial bodies (Banks) are being restricted to rivers, because the ones involved in money laundering schemes need rivers for the porpoise.  They won't see what I just did there, but you might.
It is a little knowd fact that cockatoos, threes and fours are trapped in most Banks and Courier Companies in Africa. It never pays to fly in at closing time.  It was discovered that some bureaucratic bottle necks, pencil necks and rubber necks was put by these Banks and Couriers to make it impossible for record DJs to grab Taylor Swift by the cheeksters in a photo-op.  Ask one what tried. 
 
Consequent upon the aforementioned, I was personally mandated to handle the cheeksters of someone other than Taylor Swift; as luck would have it, I drew Mona Lisa.  And in that drawing, you don't see her cheeksters. 
 
Ha...the laughs on me.  And the courts.  And lawyers.  And kumquat addicted water buffalo.
This matter -- to ensure that all of our Citizens and others countries which are fraudulently being trapped in African Banks with cockatoos, threes and fours -- are provided protective covers from the droppings.  Our team of experts were delegated to Benin Republic, Nigeria, Ivory Coast and Ghana for this task and we expect that they've been eaten by the locals at a gala fete.  Fine young cannibals are not a band there, but a way of life.
The United States Department of Treasury has retrieved all Files of illegal transactions at the DNC and all should has been arrested for this act.  However, rumor has it that cnn photoshopped a picture of the president leaving a Motel 6 with an inflatable Hillary at 3am two months ago, and they have threatened to go 24/7 coverage on the fake news story if Ivanka doesn't do a bikini shoot for Sports Illustrated.  We rather think this a good idea, in that the inflatable Hillary only leaks and squeaks, anyway, and has no idea why she's not up 50 points.
 
63 million Americans could tell her and should before she deflates.
With all that said, we want your informations for a fake poll on Donald Trump's approval rating:
1. YOUR NAME: 
2. AGE :
3. PHONE NUMBER AND FAX:
4. ADDRESS:
5. OR A PANTS SUIT:
6. DRIVER LICENSE:
7. SEX :
8. WE DON'T MEAN SEX WITH YOUR DRIVER LICENSE:
9. UNLESS IT'S GOOD?
Be informed that the above information will only enable us to make appointments for your competency hearing.  We shall ensure that normal process is abandoned in favor of debauchery with sock puppets without delay or any unwarranted fees.
Contact Dr bryan mills who is in charges of explaining to his handlers what happened to this email:
Contact Person: Dr bryan mills
His phone number +229-99686380
I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing thongs of sumo wrestlers,
Bill Clinton
(Under Secretary Doing Things)
 
I'm shocked that the secretary didn't get back to me on this.
 
He might be trying to figure out who's under him.
 
 


 

Labels: , ,

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Another Google Translate FAIL

I love getting non-English emails from scammers.

I love it more when I reply in a slaughtered version of their lingo, and they don't bother to notice.

Take for example this missive from Anne Marie Perier (which she also spells with two 'r's), sent to me in French:


Bonjour,
Je vous contact concernant un projet humanitaire que je tiens à réaliser dans votre pays car je vais mettre à votre disposition tout les moyens financiers nécessaires pour sa réalisation. Ce projet consiste à venir en aide aux personnes vulnérables telles que: les enfants de la rue, les orphelins,les démunies sans-abris etc... Si vous estimez que vous pouvez donner à ces pauvres personnes vulnérables un espoir et joie de vivre à travers ce projet, alors faites moi savoir votre avis afin que nous puissions échanger d'avantage. Je suis hospitalisée en Amérique où une maladie me confine. La  providence divine m’oriente vers vous.

Merci de me  joindre à mon adresse e-mail privée pour
plus ample explication:

Anne Marie PERIER
E-mail: annemarieperrier@hotmail.fr  



Using the good ol' Gooble Transloot, it came out like h'yar:

Hello,
  I am contacting you about a humanitarian project that I want to carry out in your country because I will put at your disposal all the financial means necessary for its realization. This project involves helping vulnerable people such as: street children, orphans, homeless people, etc. If you feel that you can give these poor vulnerable people a hope and a joy to live Through this project, then let me know your opinion so that we can exchange more. I am hospitalized in America where a disease confines me. Divine Providence directs me to you.

  Thank you for joining my private e-mail address for
  More explanation:

  Anne Marie PERIER
  E-mail: annemarieperrier@hotmail.fr  


I didn't need the transloot feature to reply; I just used that good ol' 'Merican know how and replied thus:

Bonchance monamee...pastry resistant save ze bone le messy bird coup ala le foch oop monsieur.  


That must have suggested to the scammer that her intended victim was, in fact, an American, because she replied in translated English:


Thank you for bringing considerable attention to my humble self and my alarm, as I announced in my previous email I like to make a donation in someone with noble and sincere and very honest. I think that I am not wrong direction by sending you this message because my intuition lead me to you. I am filled with joy and gladness because you can not understand how many times I have joy in your heart to believe that at least someone thought about me and understood my words. The name of the Lord be praised because he never forgets his children crying up to him.  

"She" then went on to explain the story of her life, which was the dead husband/family in a plane crash (which was "produced in New York") and how she contacted cancer, and her doctor urged her to find someone to leave everything to, the bulk of which was to go to charity.

Yada...yada...yada.

That brought us to Edit Time as I did some creative adjusting of her life story:



STORY OF MY LIFE (coming out as a two part mockumentary on A&E in an extended episode of Pawn Stars):
 
I introduce myself, my name is Anne Marie Perier; I am a French-Ugandan when hatched but decided to reside in Africa mainly Benin due to the incredulous population of flies here.
I was married to my sex therapist Friar ROBERT KIRK ARTHUR LOGGINS MESSINA ABERCROMBIE FINCH of American-Uranus nationality, of glorious memory, with whom I had no children because he was too busy sodomizing daffodils to have any time to poke me.  I Lost my husband and his last crop of sodomized daffodils in the plane crash that it was produced in New York on Broadway for a two show a night run that had a bad showing because they billed it The Miracle Whip On The East River.  It didn't compete well with Clint Eastwood's movie but I digress. 

My late plant fornicator was taking the sodomized daffodils to appear on some poorly rated show on CNN while I was away in Benin because I was a former consultant of my country France to Uganda, which isn't near Benin, but kinda is depending on how you fail geography like I did.  I was shocked by this tragedy happened, because buried in the dirt of the daffodils were all of my documents proving that I was Elvis in my previous life.  But I can do nothing against the goat head baphomet my local witch doctor wields like a bent Oscar because I believe and I have faith that he is a douche canoe.

This tragedy probed me to another side of life (bent over like an elevator, waiting for my shaft) because I not only lost the only man I've ever seen sodomize daffodils, but I lost the only man who ever proved it could be done.  

Since then I continue to live in this perdition in which joy, happiness and love are three migrant rapists from Syria, from whom I contracted a disease after several hospital interventions in Benin without good result I had been evacuated to Paris, Texas, to follow the medical care in the hope of more speedy Mexican take out delivery.  I traveled to Paris, Texas, thinking it was in the UK where my doctor diagnosed me a burrito supreme that is already in its final phase. After a long discussion with my Doctor on my property, he advised me to try the bacon tostada next time; it causes less gas.

After having sex with the doctor on that hospital bed, I always begged him not to see me as a daffodil to be sodomized; fortunately, he don't know how to do that so I am just regularly poked now.

I do not have enough time because I do not know when and what time my soul will be turned off, but the TV signs off at 1am here...Texas is peculiar.

I leave you the number of my doctor in case you need to have information about how he rates me as a lay:   +447035978955
Now I am a sexual free agent, so in short order to take possession of my sexual assets I suggest you contact my private notary MASTER Ibrahima BAH, a goat head baphomet,  for the procedure for the transfer of ownership of my vaginal assets.
Notary Ibrahima BAH
Bar Order of Parasheep
Phone: 00-229-98 81 47 31
My mental situation is not stable -- duh -- so you have everything to go as fast as possible. Here are below the information about my sexual assets you will need to provide my Notary. After putting contacted me about.
SEND THIS TEXT TO THE EMAIL ADDRESS: maitrebahibrahima@mail.com
MASTER of BAH IBRAHIMA
Hello,
Just as the recipient of the Anne Marie PERIER goods French national currently hospitalized in Amerique. She holds a degree in crustacean obedience training from the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  Her credentials are:
Holder Safe: Anne-Marie PERIER
Number of Vaginal assets:  1
secret security code: NENIBBI20041
Contained:  vaginal cuckoo that emits audible cuckoo farts on the hour
Other information:
ANV / XX2203
Rewind code: 01011
Furthermore, what is the process that can allow me to gain possession of one of the more exotic sex organs ever conceived?
NAME: ................................................ .........................
NAME: ................................................ .......................
SEX: ................................................ .............................
AGE: ................................................ ..............................
FULL ADDRESS: ........................................... .... .........
COUNTRY: ................................................ ............................
CITY :................................................ ............................
PHONE:................................................ .....................
PROFESSION:................................................ ...................
E-MAIL:................................................ ...........................
Thank you for your kind understanding.
God bless you in case you just sneezed...  
 
This got no further repartee from Madam Perier, but it drew one comment from her notary, the infamous BAH:
 
 
what is wrong with you
 
 
What is right with you?  
 
 
Notary Bah had no response to that; probably too busy trying to figure out the sexual mechanics of violating daffodils...
  

Labels: , , , ,