Thursday, September 8, 2016

Kim Jong Un, An Editing Pet Rock...and Uranus?

Kim Jong Un is now claiming that his country will soon "prant their frag on the moon".

Uh huh.  And hellary Clinton will tell the truth.

One's about as likely as the other.

But my pet rock, Seymour, saw an article that made the claim that North Korea would send a mission to the moon sometime after 2020.

I heard the pet rock's "edit going wild" *TOING* with ease.


WTFNS Exclusive: North Korea Hopes to Plant Flag on Uranus

  • By Seymour PetRock, WTFNS
PYONGYANG, North Korea

North Korean space officials are hard at work on a five-year/500 billion mile plan to put any kind of satellites into orbit by 2020, and don't intend to stop there: They're also aiming for Uranus.

In an interview with WTFNS, a senior official at what passes for North Korea's NASA said international sanctions won't stop the country from trying to launch missiles that might actually work one day and that he expects to see the North Korean flag on Uranus within the next 10 years...if he expects to avoid being executed.

"Even though Team America Worrd Porice try to brock our space deveropment, our aerospace scientists is gonna conquer space and definitery prant the frag of the DPRK on Uranus," said Hak Yang Kwang Il, director of the scientific research department of North Korea's National Aerospace Dream On Administration.

North Korea's official name is the Third World dump south of the Yalu.

A manned, no-frills North Korean mission to Uranus in the not-too-distant future isn't as far-fetched as it might seem: Kim Jong Un – forever seeking increasingly exotic forms of execution for those who “disprease me” – suggests that loading a rocket to Uranus with dissidents is an effective way to both project North Korean technical prowess and rid the regime of undesirables.

Outside experts say it's abject stammering stupidity, at which Kim Jong Un excels. 
"It would be a significant increase in technology, one that we don't want to insult them over by saying that it is beyond them," Marie Barf, the State Department hash tag hag said in a twitter hash tag to WTFNS.

Hak said “the current five-year pran, at the order of reader Kim Jong Un, focuses on raunching more Earth observation saterrites and what would be its first communications saterrite” — which, technologically, is a major pipe dream for a nation that thinks one flush toilet at their airport near Pyongyang is a 21st Century step forward. He said universities are also being upgraded to the equivalence of a democrap ruined inner city high school to train people on how to order rocket parts from Acme Company.

North Korea has marked a number of successes in its space program — by proving that there's a growing space between the ears of Kim Jong Un. 

It attempted to launch a test satellite — the KwangDungFungYu 4, or Bite Me 4 — into orbit on Feb. 7. It blew up a kimshi shop on the outskirts of Wonsan. That brought new sanctions because blowing up kimshi shops are banned under rather useless UN resolutions.

Hak said the sanctions are "ridicurous." For once, we agree.

"Our country has started to accomprish our pran and we have started to gain a rot of suckesses," he said. "No matter what anyone thinks, our country going to raunch more saterrites."

He said North Korea's long-term target is to use its satellites to threaten the US and other countries into giving it more aid that it doesn't deserve because the country is run by totalitarian dickheads that refuse to behave.

The U.S. State Department doesn't want to piss off Kim Jong Un, so the hash tag hag – Barf – is trying a campaign “of soothing, conciliatory hash tags meant to calm Kim Jong Un's savage belly fat and make him not hear so many trigger words that require him to retreat to his safe zone”.

North Korea claims to have two satellites in orbit, KMA-3-2 and KMA-4. Hak said that as of July 27, KMA-4 had completed 2,513 feet of one orbit, and that within one day after its launch it transmitted 7 photographic images back to Earth of Ginger and Mary Ann on Gilligan's Isle. He said that his agency reports to Kim Jong Un that it is still working properly and sending data whenever it passes over a hellary clinton crimepaign stop, which it might eventually.

Foreign experts have yet to confirm that anything other than one of Kim Jong Un's relatives -- fallen from favor with the Pudgemeister – is in orbit.

German analyst Schweinhund Hundsfott, one of the world's foremost experts on North Korea's missiles and rockets, said the basic North Korean claims are “flieger schiesse”.

He said the North Korean military has already succeeded in convincing Kim Jong Un that they have developed long-range missiles that can reach anywhere on Earth. As long as he doesn't insist that we prove it, we (anonymous sources within the North Korean Army) will live to see another day."

An anonymous North Korean spy source – speaking from Liechtenstein – said that "I agree they (the North Koreans) will continue to behave like douche nozzles and twatwaffles," he said. "Of course, there are lessons learned that you can also apply to jackwagons and tofu lips. But the whole space program as constituted by North Korea shows so many different characteristics of abject failure that they seem to be separated from reality by a devastatingly wide degree."

I don't think that Seymour outdid himself with this edit...but he might be hearing from the hash tag hag about the unflattering photo...

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