COVID Finds Unwitting Home in Scamland

This is even easier than shooting fish in a bucket with a grenade.

Aiesha Huso didn't realize how much so...until she contacted my character with this:


Hello Dear,

    It's nice meeting you here I am Mrs. Aiesha Huso wife of late Syrian Kurdish politician Isa Huso. My husband died when a bomb planted in his car exploded in 2013. He was a member of the Kurdish Supreme Committee.
 https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-23506429

Since his death, I have been managing to stay alive because of the political instability and unending war here in Syria. Things has been tough for me these past 6 years since the death of my husband. Why I'm contacting you is to know if we can have a personal conversation as I would like to leave Syria as soon as possible to emigrate to your country. My late husband left some funds behind and I need your unconditional assistance to leave Syria as soon as possible

Please reply so that I can elaborate on it a bit more deeply,  contact me through my private email at: mrs.aieshahuso2020@gmail.com


Thanks
Aiesha Fatema Huso.  


How 'out of whack' could my character edit the reply?  Pretty whack:


From: Aiesha Huso <sultannasser20168@gmail.com>
Sent: Sunday, March 22, 2020 1:17 AM
Subject: Run For Your Lives...There's A Lobster Stealing Toilet Paper!!!

 

    It might have been nice meeting you at one point in human history, but this isn't that point:  a beer virus is sweeping da knowd woild, lobsters are hoarding toilet paper without knowing why, and there's no soup for you in Syrian International House of Pannedcakes.   That sentence made sense until my spellchecker was turned on.  What turned on my spellchecker?  A roomba wearing a toiban.  Spellcheckers are so easily distracted.  Amazon Alexas blow their testosterone all outta whack too.

Before my digression causes me to miss the left toin at Albuquerque, I think that I am Mrs. Aiesha Huso, and as such a former wife of late Syrian Kurds & Wey politician Isa Huso. My former late husband died when he made the mistake of finding the one remaining 12 pack of toilet paper at a Target Store, and announced it before he made it to the check stand.

Pure pandamonium, and never did I ever realize that pandas were there in such numbers, let alone cared about toilet paper.  Times change.

There might be a YouTube video of it somewhere in the section where teenagers have themselves video'd eating Tide Pods and licking toilet seats.

Since his death, I have been managing to stay alive because of Saturday Night Fever, political instability and unending war in grocery stores over hand sanitizers and Cheese Nips. Things has been tough for me these past 6 hours since the cancellation of Dancing With The SARS. Why I'm contacting you is to know if we can have a personal conversation whilst social distancing is a thing. 

Also I would like to leave Portland as soon as possible to emigrate to a less insane part of your country.  Are things as insane in Idaho Falls?  

 Please reply so that I can know if I have to elaborate on it a bit more deeply and come up with some even more out-of-the-box, outlandish nonsense than I see on cnn. 

Contact me through my primate's email at: mrs.aieshahuso2020@gmail.com

If my primate hasn't already trashed the latest lap top I got for him -- he thinks they're big-winged bats when he throws them across the pen -- I will be waiting to see how you react to my email.

I'd like to see what became of it as well.

Spanks me often,
Aiesha Fatema Huso.  

 

 

These days, my character is finding it ever easier to achieve 'social distancing' with scammers, and all with a simple edit...

Bee Danged

I and my pet rocks get a kick out of the Babylon Bee.

Especially when the Bee is taunting cnn and snopes, both of which hate the Bee....because it taunts them.

Well, it seemed bee-fitting when a scammer came calling with the old 'dying' scam to work some of the Bee in there.  First:

Hello my dear,

Thanks for your attention to my aide and God bless you. I have been praying over your personality so the good lord can help you in carrying out this assignment with clear mind and trust. It took me lots of time to combine this message, so please read carefully with godly mind and in good faith and respond back if you can perform this wish. Am expecting your return.

I express a great gratitude for honoring my letter and considering my health situation, i want to make it clear to you that at my age and present situation, it's a very terrible experience for being in a serious illness over 4 years and still continue without good result, am losing my strength daily and can’t help myself because the lord’s will must be done.

Actually, we do not know each other before, but I got your information through UK Catalog for philanthropist after my prayers to God to provide me a good person that would use the wealth he has given to me and my husband for his own work (God's work) and most importantly, a person that will use the fund for the establishment of church and orphanage Foundation in my name & god. Beside i will like to explain my self once again to you.

Actually, I am from London UK, Yolanda Belham by name, married to Africa man from Republic of Benin, after I was twenty eight years old and we live together in London and since I married my dearest husband, we spend over 10 years without child, Remember, it's not easy to see a lovely man who can tolerate such from a woman he married without giving a child for 10 years and he never reasons of marrying another, been my dealing husband was a God fearing man also love me so much, he did not complain at all, and for that reasons, I made a promised to him that I will be with him all the days of my life. But God so love my family he blesses us with 3 lovely Children, a boy and 2 girls. But eventually, My husband and the three children died in a car accident 4 years ago.

Beside, my husband is from a big Family here in Benin and after his death, I decided to leave London and travel back to his country to honor him as I promised, when I came to Benin, I fell sick, which I did not take it as big thing and after some months, am going down day by day, then I went back to London to see my doctor at St. Thomas' Hospital, through there, my doctor recognized the point of my sickness and I have been on a medication since years. Just few months, my doctor came to me with sadness on his face. He said, he is very sorry to inform me that I have few months to live because the Cancer has taking a lot of cells and dimension.

Oh My dear in lord, I cried for one month asking God, is this your wish to me, if that’s how you want me to end up My life in pain let his wish be done, then I later came back to my husband home in Benin to complete my promises and my husband senior brother was in Russian for years without coming home, I stay with the junior ones, I hand over some money properties to him but he waste it. That is the reason i decide to hand over this money to a foreigner as God direction may be. I believe you can handle this wealth because I have been praying over you, this are the reason I contact you.

So please my dear, I wish you can bear with me in my wish because I can not do what is not right to whom it may be in the earth because i must answer God at end if I do. The reason I take this decision is that my health has deteriorated so badly, I can not do this by myself anymore due to my situation, god knows that I have tried for so many countries, like Myanmar and Philippines, Sudan, Central Africa and others which i could. I previously asked members of my husband Family here in Benin to distribute one of my accounts to some charitable organization which they fail and kept the money to themselves. So, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be satisfied with what I left for them. I will wait to hear from you if you can help, so i will foreword you more detail about this

THANKS 

Your in the Lord. 

Mrs. Yolanda Belham  

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, thought the Bee angle a perfect one to insert here in some manner:

 

 

From: Mrs. Yolanda Belham <yola_belham@aol.com>
Sent: Monday, February 17, 2020 9:57 PM
To: jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com <jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com>
Subject: Message From Mrs. Yoland Belham of the Babylon Bee, Read with care & plenty of glue sniffing

 

Herrooo,

Thanks for your attention to my employer and God bless you in case you just sneezed. I have been praying over a bowl of Wheaties for the past 25 years every morning and am just now learning what eating that sh*t did to Bruce Jenner.  It took me lots of time to fertilize, plow, seed, weed, combine and harvest this message, so please read carefully with an eye to who my employer is and in view of what cnn and snorpes think they can do to my employer if you can perform this wish. Am expecting your tax return as partial payment for nothing in particular as my gawd works in hallucinogenic, peculiar ways.

I express a great amount of genital sarcasm for honoring my letter and making light of my health situation.  I want to make it clear as fecal mud to you that at my age and present situation, it's a very terrible experience, learning that after all these years, I can actually light farts and watch them flare with amazing result; though, you might has warned me that the flame follows the fart back to the source.

Yowza...I gots no hair down there no mores, because the lawrd’s will must be completed before he passes on to the lower kingdom, cnn.

Actually, we do not know each other before, and perhaps we won't know each other after four, but I got your information through UK Catalog for philanderers after my prayers to a Piccadilly transgendered hooker went peculiarly answered.  Beside i will like to explain myself once again to you.

Actually, I am from Pahrump, NV, Yolanda Belham by name, married to Africa used car from Republic of Benin.  After he completed penal requirements on Uranus when I was twenty eight years old, we live together in Portland until Antifa schmucks looted our outhouse; this caused us to move to Newark.  I have no idea why; there's nothing in Newark that ain't already been stolen, looted, graffiti'd or molested.  From there, we tried Burundi, the basement of the DNC, the composting room at cnn where they make up their news, and Sheboygan.  With all that a fart in a hurricane, we wound up in London and since I married my Yugo, we spend over 10 years without child.  Remember you alternative life-stylists:  it's not easy to procreate with a Yugo.  Only because he was a writer for Monty Python did it find a meaning during the Life of Brian and when he was on loan to Black Adder.  I made a promise to it that I will be with it all the days of my life. But dagnabbit, the Yugo blow'd a head gasket, so I had to get married to a smart car.  But eventually, spousal smart car died in an accident 4 years ago when a moth hit the windshield.

I found an ox cart in Benin and after a plane fell on it, I decided to leave there and travel to a ewe convent in Liechtenstein where one tri-peckered goat was going to town on Saturday nights.  After getting ass-ended by the goat I fell sick, which I did not take it as big thing 'cause we cornered, killed and ate the goat that night.  After some months I went back to London to see my publicist and write a book about my experiences titled "What Happened" by Hellary Rodehard Put Away Wet Clinton. 

Then during a pap smear of my belly button lint the doctor at St. Thomas' Hospital recognized the point of my sickness and I have been on a medication since years. Just few months, my doctor came to me with sadness on his face. He said he is very sorry to inform me that I have exhaust burn marks all over my ass from the Yugo and smart car sexual encounters.

Oh how I cried for one month asking an empty Coke bottle, is this your wish to me, if that’s how you want me to end up with my butt covered in exhaust burns let his wish be done.  Then I later came back to Benin to complete my Medicare D paperworks and have my butt kind of deitized because they think the marks are from the empty Coke bottle, and not a Yugo or smart car.  My gullible public and how easily fooled.  That's probably why I'm writing you now.

So please my dear, I wish you can bear with me in my wish because I can not do what is not right to whom it may be in the earth because i must answer correctly if I want to be a Millionaire, and you're my only life line. The reason I take this decision is that my option ran out on my Gong Show stocks, and they have done so badly, I can not do this by myself anymore due to crazy laws being passed in Virginia by morons.  I have tried for so many countries, like Myanmar and Philippines, Sudan, Central Africa and others, none of which would grant me a medical genital reassignment to Las Vegas.  

I previously asked members of a Manson famdamily sect in Kaliforlornia to distribute the profits from my book to some charitable organization; they fail because there were no profits and their leader went to South Park, where he now sings Christmas carols at a mall in Nebraska.  You simply cannot imagine.

So, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be satisfied with the yeast infection I left for them. I will wait to hear from you if you can help, so i will foreword you more detail about this

THANKS 

Your in whipped cream, 

Mrs. Yolanda Belham

 

 

Seymour heard nothing further from the originating scammer, but he made the cnn/snopes hit list along with the Bee...

Duping The DUPElicate

Little did she know how, centuries later, Mona would have a place in 2020 memes.

Over the years, I've screwed with lots of scammers.  So many, I can't remember but a fraction of them -- unless they're included on this blog.

I do not remember a Mary Linda in that list of scammers that I've played.

But she claims to remember me...or at least, my character:

Hello Dear,
Am happy today as God directed me a serious partner that do the business together with me and it goes successfully.

Presently I am in (Turkey) for investment projects with our own share of the total sum.Meanwhile, I didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in doing the business together despite that it failed us some how.

Now you will need to contact this priest Fr.Simon Evans whom used to be a God-father to me then.

His name is Rev. Father Simon Evans and his private email address is as follows:(info.rv.simonevanss@gmail.com)

Ask him to send you a certified bank draft cheque of ($500,000) (Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars) which I prepared and kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me then. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much. So feel free and get in touched with the priest and instruct him where to send you the bank draft cheque or deposit via bank to your local account Ok.

Please do let me know immediately you receive it so we can share our joy and happiness after all the sufferings at that time.
In the moment, I am very busy here because of the investment projects which me and my new partner are having at hand here in (Turkey). Finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to priest on your behalf on how to send to you quickly okay.

Therefore feel free to get in touch with him and he will send the bank cheque to you without any delay ok.
Contact him with your postal or house address where to send it to you OR Send him account to deposit via bank okay.
Take care and bye for now.
Yours Truly friend.
Marylinda.  


Ah, but it gets better:  within an hour of receiving this email, my character received a second one...from SGT Mary Linda.  And except for the "Sgt", the letter is word for word like the earlier one.


What in the flying fish f**k?

I love it when fly-infested internet cafes can't keep track of who is sending what to whom.

Worry not...I worked a mention of the second email into the first during the edit that simply had to happen:


From: Mary Linda <marymraylinda1993@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2020 5:33 PM
To: Jack Ewehoff <jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com>
Subject: REDUMBDANT NEWS THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE A SIDE OF CORONAVIRUS AT HALF PRICE

 

 

Hello Deer Pickle,
Am happy today as the oracle that I use to guide me in godless endeavors directed me in e flat to play Devil Went Down To Georgia on a kazoo, and pray that it goes successfully.

 Presently I am in Turkey because I taked a wrong turd at Albuquerque and somehow wound up surrounded by headless fowls all chilling out.  Meanwhile, I didn't forget your past screwing me over when I tried screwing you over first.

 Now you will need to contact this priest I just made up out of dildo and yeast infection; he goes by Father Simple Simon Sez whom used to be a urinal deodorizer before I talked him into this.

His name is Father Simple Simon Sez and he has no privates, having donated them to the genitally destitute department store mannequins of Newark.  You can contact Father It as follows:(info.rv.simonevanss@gmail.com)

 Ask him to send you a complete set of the Beatles Hits recorded backwards, so you can hear such demonically enticing lyrics as "devil bunnies, devil bunnies, I snort the banana!" that led John Lennon to marry an orthodox marmot who would later try to conduct the world's largest recorder concert in South Park, only to have some fourth grade wiseass insert the brown note in the sheet music, creating a situation where only the DNC was in it's element (totally full of sh*t).  

Why am I doing this, you ask?  Simple:  you pissed me off by not letting me scam you, and now it's my try at laying some caramel on you, baby.  So feel free and get touched by the priest who now finds solace in goosing octopus in their garden while looking for yellow submarines backwards.  Just don't let William Shatner sing it.

 Please do let me know immediately if you received the carbonavirus I sent you in a package of used tampons from Berkeley.  It is important to me to learn if this actually worked, so I can tell Alyssa Morono that she's still a small degree of relevant at a genital rebushing plant in Wuhan Province, and it parts of the DNC basement.  After all the sufferings at that time, it seems a waste to not look into that, especially while the Beatles are demonically jude heying off key with satanic kumquats in reverse.

 

 

Finally, remember that I had sideways'd instructions to the priest in Braille'd Azerbaijanic kanji script with angry bird icon flourishes.

Therefore feel free to get in touch with him and he will send you a coupon good for one roll of recycled toilet paper courtesy of maligNANCY Pelosi, the people's nightmare of San Crapcisco.

 Oh, and if you get this very same email from a Sgt using my name in some similar manure, tell her to pound ground glass up her ass.

Marylinda.  

 

 

Whoever is sending out the repeats decided, after a reading of my character's response, that they now knew what had happened the foist time...

 

Cat Help Hisself

I reckon that even the lowest of the scammers I hear from aren't as mentally and physically self-f**ked up as this Bernie supporter is.

Though many of them are trying to sink to this low.

Like "Sgt Johnson Whozeewhatzits Clark Bar", writing to my character from Afghanistan...or so he says:

I am in desperate need for assistance, I have summoned the courage to  let you know about it. My name is Sgt.Johnson Clark. An American,  working with the  Air Force as a Medical officer. and currently
working with NATO forces in the war against militants and ISIS in  Afghanistan.I need your  assistance to help me receive  a package  containing the sum of US$2.500,000.00 million United States Dollars in
a custody. This is not stolen money, and there are no risks involved.   This money was discovered hidden in barrels with piles of weapons and  ammunition in a location near one of the main bases of the militants  during a rescue operation.

So, with the help of a  German contact who enjoys some immunity with
the United Nations, I managed to get the package of the money to a
safe place, totally out of trouble spot to Indonesia. Now I have found
a safe way to get the package of the money delivered to you.

one  passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this
matter with a third party, in case you have reason to reject this
offer, destroy this email because any leak of this information will be
very bad for us.

I have survived two suicide bomb attacks with God's special grace.
This and other reasons that I will let you know later lead me to seek
help, I honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately.

I am waiting urgently so that we can discuss more
Sgt.Johnson Clark  


My 'editing gone wild' pet rock, Seymour -- out on another of his and Element's travels 'round the US of A -- seemed unsympathetic to the sarge as this edit suggests, especially with what illustrations Seymour chose to employ:


From: JOHNSON CLARK <pwilliamssv@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, February 17, 2020 11:12 AM
Subject: I AM WAITING URGENTLY FOR A DREAM LOVER TO CALL MY OWN

 

 

This is a new camp.  It incorporates all of the latest technologies that

which we have learned in dealing with people like you.  We are, in effect,

putting all of our 'rotten eggs' in one basket.  And we intend to watch

that basket very carefully.  Even Hilts.

 

 I am in desperate need for assistance, I have summoned the courage to
let you know about it. My name is UberColonel Johnson undt Johnson.

an American Antifa working with the  living-at-home, undereducated

leftist nincompoops currently working with DNC farces in the war against

common sense and decency in Portland, OR.

 

I need your list of virgin whatever you got for my muzzie friends before

they get martyr'd prematuring one of their rigged and exploding prayer

rugs. There are no risks involved as long as you're not in Portland.

 So, with the help of a  German contact who enjoys some immunity from

sexually transmitted diseases by using a Hellary Clinton inflatable sex

toy that leaks, squeaks, cackles and occasionally has people that

displease it suicided, I managed to get out of San Crapcisco so I could

join the maggot-infesteds here in Portland.  Not so bright of me, eh? 

 One  passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this
matter with a third party, in case you have reason to reject this
offer, destroy this email because any leak of this information will be
very bad for us if the leaking, squeaking Hellary inflatable learns of

it. 

 I have pissed off the inflatable Hellary twice and so far have survived

two "suicide" attempts as a result.  Doing better than Epstein did so

far with God's special grace and secret formula of sauces.

 

 This and other reasons that I will let you know later lead me to seek
help, I honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately. 

 I am waiting urgently so that we can discuss more

 UberColonel Johnson undt Johnson

I had to message Seymour that his edit went unresponded to by everyone except one empty-headed scammer who had a simple question in response to the edit:


when will you leave me off?  


Soon as I find your "off" switch.


I do believe Seymour would approve.

Another Scammer Photo FAIL

And that's about how this email scam template wound up going for someone named Dion July.  Or July Dion.  Or Dr. Willome, US Army.

Eh.

Here is how it all begins:

Dear Sir, I just want to confirm from you if you have receive my last message

Best Regards
July Dion  


No one here did, but that wasn't relevant to my character in reply:


Is your name REALLY Dion July?  


My character kinda sorta thought he now had an inside track to getting an autograph from Celine.


*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*, as the reply would prove:


Hello dear.

I must first ask for apology to burden your respected life and for the surprise this  letter may be seen to you because we have not been in much communication. But I want you to ear with me that it is because of the urgently of the situation that requires an immediate action. which lead me to open up to you .How is life over there with you?, believing it's alright. I will like to tell you more about myself,family and the important reason why i have contacted you. My name is Dr, July Dion ,35 years of age, I'm a US military officer currently in Libya now. and i will like to get acquainted with you, I am loving, honest and caring person with a good sense of humor, I enjoy meeting new people and knowing their way of life. however, i really want to establish a true relationship that may lead into a business partner or something else.

I want you to know that we are being attacked by insurgents everyday and car bombs and during one of our rescue mission we came across a safe box that contain huge amount of money that belongs to the supporters of the over thrown government of Libya late Muammar Gaddafi, which I believe was money meant for buying weapons and ammunition, and it was agreed by all Army officers present on that rescue mission that the money will be shared among us and which we did. out of the total fund my share was $1.200,000,00 (One million two Hundred Thousands United States Dollars)And Since I am still working for the government,I can not keep or send this money to America for the time being because i do not have any trustworthy person to act as my next of kin. Therefore, I just want you to act as my next of kin to receive it in your country. Honestly, if I fail to move this money soonest before I leave this country I will lose it and it might also exposed me to the Government. So I am seeking your assistance to evacuate my share of the money out of (uba Bank of Senegal ) to your own country for you to keep it safe on my behalf till i come over to your country after our mission in Libya, So i want you to assure me that if this money is been transfer to you in your country that you are going to be trustworthy to keep the money till when i will come to your country to meet you face to face to collect the money back from you.

It's clear to me that you might be scared of this proposal,but i want to let you know that i have talk with a lawyer in Senegal , to help me stand as my lawyer to assist me transfer the money to any of country of my choose on my behalf.  with a lawyer in Senegal and pay him for him to stand as my lawyer to assist me transfer the money to any of country of my choose on my behalf. The money was move from Libya to uba bank of Senegal from Libya for security purpose, The bank told me that they are going to issue A cash credited ATM Card in your name which is a global payment card, which is acceptable, workable and usable worldwide in making daily withdrawal of money from any ATM location.  And  there will not be any form of risk involve in the process of the withdrawal I have decide to compensate you with 30% of the total money. once you receive the atm card in your country , withdraw all the money from the account keep it well until I arrive to your country, I will give you the 30% while the rest balance shall be my investment capital in your country . one passionate appeal I want  you not to discuss this matter to a third party, if you do not want to be party to this business please kindly delete message .

Please try to keep this information secret if you tell it to people it will be dangerous to me based on my position here. I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust nor thwart my dream, though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without formal introduction,well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me in receiving and investing this fund.

Note: I do not know how long we going to remain here and my fate since I have survived two bomb attack here, which prompted me to search out for a reliable and trust worthy person to help me receive this fund, because I will be coming over to your home country to invest and start a new life not as a soldier anymore. I hope my explanation is very clear but if you need further clarification just let me know and i will explain further, I want to let you know that here in the military zone we are not allow to make use of mobile phone, we only make use of radio message and email communication so please let us continue communicating through email for the mean time.

Conclusively,i wish you could send me a reply immediately in regards to this proposal,your urgent reply will be highly appreciated. I wait to receive your acceptable reply as soon as you read this letter.
Thanks

July Dion  

 

 

And as response bait -- or so the scammer intended it -- she included the following pictures:

 

My character already knowd that the Dark Side has cookies.  But she doesn't stop there:

 

Okay...very NYCish.  But wait...there's more:

 

So far, so good.  No slip-ups in the photos.  Until:

 

Oh WHOOPS...I'm sure y'all can see what she just undid there.

 

 

My character lost all interest at that point, so far as further banter went.  He went right to the tried and true communication-ender of editing the original email thus:

 

 

From: DION JULY <missdionjuly@yahoo.com>
Sent: Wednesday, March 11, 2020 5:40 AM
To: FallopianMortarTubesOyVay1@hotmail.com
Subject: I AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM ANYBODY..EVEN AN ANTIBODY!

 

Hello dear.

 

I must first ask for apology to burden your respected life and for the surprise this  letter may be seen to you because we have not been in much communication. In fact, we has not bee'd in any cornmunication afore herez.  But I want you to ear nose and/or throat with me that it is because of the urgently of the situation that requires an immediate action which lead me to send this rather peculiar template to you.

How is life over there with you?  Getting along with coronavirus, soap, sanitizer and toilet paper shortages alright?  That is good...that is very good.  I watch cnn when I want to laugh at all the stupid peoples in the world...cuz I know that only stupid peoples watch cnn.  I know only stupid peoples work there.

I will like to tell you more about myself, family and the important reason why i have contacted you. My name is Dr, July Dion, 35 years of age, and in this template I'm a US military officer currently in Libya now. It's so much safer than Portland, OR.  There's no Antifa here.  As we corresblonde mores, you will learn that I claim to be loving, honest and caring person with a good sense of humor.  In fact my humor works well in the military, as I love to show up unexpectedly at the doors of peoples I ain't yet met, kick in the door and toss in a grenade as a way of breaking the ice.

Since I'm a doctor, I can fix what the grenade broke afterward.  And bill them for it too.  Life is good.

 I want you to know that we are being attacked by the DNC, cnn, ms13nbc and what's left of the democrap candidates for president everyday because we chose life instead of being aborted or having ourselves surgically converted to one of 55 mental illnesses that the DNC says are gender choices.  Small wonder that the DNC's representing symbol is an ass.

One day in Walter Mittyville I was late for a meet and couscous greet with Muammar Gaddafi, which I believe was supposed to be for him donating money meant for my dream of a night club in Tripoli, complete with belly and pole dancing, all the camel piss beer you could drink, and demonstrations of how easy genital switching would be if everyone would opt for Lego-made genitals.  Alas, Gaddafi didn't make it to the meeting that would have changed my life forever, and now I'm stuck with trying to find a way to make good use of $500 trillion in Zimbabwe dollars.

If you look them up, they're not worth much, though if I sold them on eBay as emergency toilet paper, I hear they'd go like hotcakes.

I can not keep or send this money to America for the time being because i do not have any trustworthy person to act as my next of kin. My own loving famdamily were all died in a bus/UFO accident in Roswell, NM in 1947, and while that doesn't explain how I came to be born, it does explain one or two of the episodes of The X Files. It is in that, therefore, that I just want you to act as my next of kin before a judge in a prostrate court to be the golden receiver of my eye until I am killed, wounded or victim of a premature discharge that knocks me up.  Honestly, if you fail to help me in this deal I am promised worse templates and roles within them at the fly-infested internet cafe I am writing from in Senegal.  He is no relation to Steven Segal. 

I think we need some proofreading help with this template because at this point it says, and I quote, "I want you to bring it to your own country for you to keep it safe on my behalf till i come over to your country after our mission in Libya", even though you're in the country the template said I was from. 

I hate when that happens, unless you watch cnn, then I know I can tell you anything and you'll believe it.

It's clear to me if not to a total dolt like AOC that you might be scared of this proposal since the world is going to end in 10-12 years due to global clamato change, but i want to let you know that i have talk with a lawyer in Senegal, and believe you me there aren't too many shysters worse than that, except in the DNC.

Please try to keep this information secret if you tell it to people it will be dangerous to me based on my position I have to assume when getting laid or taking a dump here. I have chosen to contact you after mixing my prayers with hallucinogens and meth in my mess kit.  A yellow submarine-shaped angry boid then yelled in my ear that you will not betray my trust nor thwart my dream, though you may wonder why I am not paying better attention to the pictures I attached to this email, like so:

Note: I do not know how long we going to remain using this peculiar template and my fate since I have survived two bouts with SOS at the mess hall here, which prompted me to search out for a reliable and trust worthy person to help me figure out a new template to try.  I am not cut out to be a soldier, that much is clear. I might try being a Yugo in my next template, as soon as I find out what one is.  I hope my explanation is very clear but if you need further clarification just let me know and i will explain further, I want to let you know that here in the military zone we are not allow to make use of mobile phone, we only make use of radio smoke signals in Azerbaijani Morse code...or we use email communication so please let us continue communicating through email for the mean time.

 Conclusively, i wish you could send me a reply immediately in regards to your take on this my proposal of mirage to you, and see if we can midnight at the oasis, once the camel's gone to Bedouin.  I wait to receive your reply as soon as you read this letter.
 

 

July Dion

aka Dion July

aka Military Officer Willome US Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines,

what a great place to start.  

 

 

Celine's sister from another mister decided the game wasn't worth playing no mores.  I wonder why...