Ago'n Nowhere Fast

 

Epic indeed.

A short time ago in a galaxy too freakin' near for our own good, came an unsolicited email from an  ironically-named person Dr. Ken Ago:

You must make sure you stop communications with those fraudsters to
enable us succeed in this mission. So be warned seal up your lips if
you would actually want to receive your fund,because receiving of your
fund will only cost you the sum of $300 only.

I am telling you this because i know everything about your fund which
i am not suppose to tell you but i have to because you have so much
put your effort to them by sending money to them without receiving any
of your fund.

So now if you are ready to receive your fund do let me know so that i
can advice you more on how you receive your fund  without any much
delay, But before i give you any more information about how to receive
your fund , You must pay the sum of $300 to me and the contact that i
am going to use.

Thanks
Dr.Ken Ago   

"Dr" Ken turns out to claim to be with the UBA -- United Bank for Africa -- and the rest of his story claims to be around a fund that is belonging to yours truly in the amount of $3.5 million USD that somehow got ensconced in the UBA and thanks to unscrupulous sorts out there, wants to keep it that way.

Hate when that happens.

The following exchange took place as I used the title of his email -- You must make sure you stop communications with those fraudsters -- the basis of all things that followed:

So I should stop communicating with you?

Is that what you're saying?   

I am not forcing you to trust me because I am not after your fund.

Meanwhile I want you to know that I am taking this risk just because of the likeness I have for you even not only you I have so many people that I am helping as well.

So for your information I am not giving out any proof to you or anybody because it’s a very big risk to my job as I cannot afford to loose my job Why because I am not sure if you are ready to receive your funds or not.

For me to be sure that you are ready, Then you need to Send the $300 now then after sending the $300 you can forward to me your account details for the releasing of your fund to take place immediately without any further delay.

Thank you for your understanding.   

I'm not so sure he'll be thanking me for how I'm understanding this, but that's in a bit:

I just need you to clarify and amplify on your original statement.  You said, and I quote, "You must make sure you stop communications with those fraudsters."  Did you truly and intentionally mean that contextually?

Stop dealing wit those internet scammers online because they will keep requesting for money from you without you receiving any cent from them.

So for now I am the only person in charge to release your fund to you if only when you are ready to comply with any of my advice.

View my id passport 

Last time I checked, that doesn't look like an ID passport.  Nor is it labeled as such:

Okay, I've viewed your card.

And you've told me not to deal with those fraudsters.

And you've asked me to send you $300.

Aren't you contradicting yourself here?

And do you see what you just did here?

It becomes clear that he doesn't see what he just did here:

I don't know what you mean.  Are you ready to send me $300 to receive your fund?

Seriously, you don't see what you just did here?  I see what you just did here.  If you have access to a credible proof reader there, you should be able to enlist their help to see what you just did here.  I will be happy to wait whilst you arrange that...*Jeopardy Theme*

Are you ready to proceed?

I am ready to proceed with receiving the proceeds once you successfully proceed to see what you just did there.  Is your proofreader a moron by birth or choice or does he just play one on TV?  When the Jeopardy Theme stops playing, time's up:  you must by then see what you did there.

Are you serious at all? Please if you are not ready to comply with me please let me know?    

I'm as serious as painful rectal itch is to a porcupine.  Can you see what I just did there?  If you can, then it's clear you should be able to see what you just did earlier.  I'll wait for you to process.

Please you must know that time is not on our side you must send me $300 USD so I can complete your fund transfer.  This is all that stands in way.     

I don't eat whey and damned sure wouldn't when someone was standing in it.  Can't you see what you're doing here and previously?  Don't words mean things there the way they do here?   

You are not serious with me.  Why?  Your a stupid person.      

I've been as serious as your effort to give me the business is. The problem was and remains that you don't see what you've done here.  Until and unless you manage to overcome that obstacle, you will be asking yourself unanswerable questions and talking to yourself to the point that your peers and colleagues will be talking about you behind your back at the water cooler during Happy Hour.  Do you want that?

Your a stupid person.      

You can't see what you've just done more than once and I'm the stupid person?  *BUZZZZZZZZZER*

*FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL*  There are two pet rocks here, laughing at you there.  Do you realize how hard it is to get pet rocks to LAUGH at you?  Well okay...you don't realize it, because you don't see what you've been doing here.  You will continue to fail until you do.  Even Yoda knows.

I don't know if he got around to seeing what he'd done or never would...I just know that not long ago, from a scammer named Ago in a galaxy that'll never be far enough away, the *FAIL* was, indeed, epic.

A Question Asked Deserves An Answer

 When one replies to an email scam by editing and returning the email scam, sometimes...one gets asked a question.  If not by the originating scammer, then by one of those 'fortunate' enough to receive the edit by way of their having left a working email address with the person doing the edit.

Me.  Or my pet rocks.

That just happened.  And the question was marvelous.

The originating scammer used a well-worn and very tired email ploy to announce her effort to give me the business:  she used the old "she's dying and wants to leave me her inheritance" scam.

Righhhhhhhht.

I'll spare you the by now older-than-running-water template used by her and so many millions of her peers and colleagues; I'll just share with you the edit that went back to her and about 50 of those peers and colleagues:

From: Rev Sis Carnivore Vagina Simge Pinar <mr.ericwilson5555@gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, June 9, 2021 9:50 PM
Subject: Dear Octosexual Orthopod Non-Binary Genital Putz

 

Personally, I don't give a flying fish f**k if this short humanitarian
proposition offends your sensitivity.  I got your email in the course
of my quest today for a mental eunuch person and i decided
to embark on this because i believe good and honest people still
are stupid. 

Before i proceed, I wish to introduce myself first, my name

is Rev Sister Carnivore Vagina Simge Pinar; I am from Constantinople, 

Turkey. I have decided to donate all the inert compost that I have 

shat over my 69 years now and i have been ordered by God to donate all i
have shat and not flushed to you for the purpose of, well....burying someone

in my 69 years of inert shat.

I take pretty strange and peculiar hallucinogens, as one might surmise.

I will be undergoing an operation in Australia and my doctor
informed me that my chances of survival is slim due to my excessive
ability to shat inert compost, coupled with my years of using all sorts

of hallucinogens and other drugs to heighten my sexual lust for getting

banged by every last soldier in the nearby Army barracks here.

Presently, i have informed the intellectual equivalent of a tree stump who

is playing my lawyer and my spiritual Father, Rev Fr Timothy Coleman,
about my decision to do this voodoo that I do not well, in hopes that

someone out there will actually believe some small portion of this shat

sh*t.

Respond back to immediately regardless if you are interested to carry out this
task so that i will instruct you on how to get in contact with my
lawyer and my account officer. Get back to me with the following
information.

YOUR NAME:
YOUR E-MAIL:
YOUR REACTION TO SEEING A CLOWN HOVERING OVER YOU IN SURGERY:
YOUR HOME:
YOUR PHONE NO:
OCCUPATION:
AGE:

Sincerely
Rev Sister Carnivore Vagina Simge Pinar
Here is my E-mail:  rev.sistersimgepinar@priest.com

The originating scammer had nothing to add after seeing what I dun to her email, Ma; but another one was apparently aghast by it:

ARE YOU MAD ????????   

Madder than a hatter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How's about you?  

  

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't leave you a loan; you haven't the right collateral!!!!!!  But worry not, I has flexible terms and conditions!!!!!

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, it's too late....I gotz no brakes!!!!!

Finally, the aghast one realized that for me to stop, he needed to stop first:

I hope you got out of the way before I drove over all the munchkins of the Lollypop Guild.  Wowzers!

....and with that, no further replies received.

At least I did answer his question...

Mrs. Brown Tries Again

Alas, poor Mrs. Brown.

The one Herman's Hermits sang about had a daughter that broke his heart.

This one...just has a broken scam.

Despite having been there and done that, I decided to revisit and re-edit.

Here is the latest Mrs. Brown's sordid gambit (at least part of it):

Hello Blessed,
I am Mrs. Botum Janet Brown, I'm a Cambodian American Citizen, I'm the
wife of late Mr. Lewis Brown, my husband worked with the Brunei Shell
Petroleum Co Sdn Bhd (BSP) for twenty years and worked in Istanbul
Turkey as a contractor before he died in the year 2010.

We were married for 14 years without a child. My Husband died after a
brief illness that lasted for only two weeks. Since his death I
decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home.
When my late husband was alive we deposited the sum of $7,500,000
Million with a Bank in Europe. The bank management just wrote me as the
beneficiary to come forward to sign for the release of this fund or
rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my
behalf if I can not come over.

Presently, I'm in the hospital where I have been undergoing treatment
for Corona-virus. My doctor has told me because of my age, that i
have few weeks to live . It is my last wish to see this money
distributed to charity organizations and Corona-virus victims. Because
my husband's relatives and friends have plundered so much of my wealth
since my illness, I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge
responsibility to any of them.

Please, I'm seeking for any honest person who will get the Funds from
the Bank. And use this money to fund the poor, orphanages, widows and
charity organizations. I took this decision because I don't have any
child that will inherit this money and I don't want my husband's hard
earned money to be misused by his greedy relatives.   

A Cambodian American this time.  LOL.

I wasn't long in straightening out this Mrs. Brown:

From: Nindya Sari Sama Kama Whacky Brown <nindya.s@ub.ac.id>
Sent: Tuesday, June 8, 2021 8:50 PM
Subject: Mrs. Brown You've sent a lousy scam here

 

Hello.

Herman's Hermits sang about this in the '60s.

My pet rock, Seymour, made further light of it nearly 10 years ago.

Still, if you wish to persist:

I am Mrs. Bottom Sucker Janet Brown, I'm a citizen of a mixed 

variety of localities, currently a turd bird migrating between Burundi

and Uranus in season.  Since it takes 8 years to get from Uranus to

Burundi, those are some seasons indeed.

I'm the late wife of later Mr. Lewis Brown.  He died when his one-man 

midget sub sank off the coast of Turkey in the year 2525.  

We warned him about using a screen door as a top hatch in a submarine,

but would HE listen?  Noooooooooooooooooooooo.  I think that might

have been his last word as well when he test dove to 1200 feet.

We were married for 14 years without a child. My Husband died after a

brief illness (drowning followed by sub imploding) that lasted for only a

few seconds. Since his death I decided to explore my gender options 

which led me not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home.

When my late husband was alive he squandered our entire savings on this

stupid f**king submarine with a screen door top hatch (he figured it'd 

keep things cooler in the tropics...what a douche taco).  

The bank management just wrote me and informed me that John

Jacob Tallywhacker Smith -- that's your name too -- told them that

I am dead as well as a result of an in-grown hangnail in my uterus. 
Must have been something I picked up on Uranus.

So hubby is drowned and I am deader than a can of corned beef.

So what the f**k was I writing for?

Oh...oops...I f**ked up this template.  I'm supposed to say that I'm 

in the hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for COVID

Painful Rectal Itch Virus. My doctor has told me because of my age 

and peculiar episode with a hangnail in my uterus, that I have only

three weeks to sign up with the Barnacle Bailey Circus, before other

scammers get the idea of using this template too.

Because my husband's relatives and friends went down on a three

hour cruise trying to re-enact Gilligan's Isle (the argument of Mary

Ann vs Ginger was settled only after Mary Ann died), when not one

of them knew not to steer their yacht into the path of the USS 

Theodore Roosevelt.  

Bet that left a mark.

I cannot live with the agony of entrusting idiots like this to handle

my already dead affairs.

I probably can't trust your sorry ass either, but this was the only

email number you own.  You can use it when you feel better...when

you get home.

Please, I'm seeking for any person with a single-digit IQ that's so 

stupid they think manual labor is a Mexican national.  I took this 

decision because I don't have any idea what I'm talking about.  I am

kind of like the priest, minister and rabbit that walked into a bar; 

the bartender says to the rabbit "what will you have?" and the rabbit

says "I don't know, I'm here because of autocorrect."

It was then that the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit, messing up

two punch lines in one joke.

I don't want a situation where this email will be used in an ungodly
manner.  So no visiting strip clubs to tuck bills into the g-strings of 

dancing baphomet goat head strippers.

As soon as i have your response, i will refer you to my family lawyer

who will sue you for letting someone edit this email into something

even South Park and Monty Python wouldn't recognize.

Really f**king confused at this point,
Mrs. Bottom Sucker Janet Brown

 

The scammer did no better than the ones that got Seymour's edit ten years ago.  Of course, that last picture would be enough to scare off almost anyone.