Illiteracy Amongst Scammers Is Epidemic

Say hello to Wendy.  Wendy Willcox of the book The Adventures of Wendy Willcox and Her Dog Willis.  There's a reason I bring this up (looking at the picture usually threatens to bring up my previous meal)...one of my latest scammers is named Wendy Williams.

And is about as stupid as Willis.

Here's how Wendy Williams began her ploy with my character:

 PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP  

 

 

That was all.  So I just jumped right in, reminded of the Willcox character:

 

 

I've seen your dog.  I agree you need help.  

 

 

That, for the uninitiated, is Willis.


However, the reference to the dog meant nothing to Wendy Williams; all that mattered to 'her' was that my character apparently lived, breathed, and had a working email address that he had replied from:

My Dearest in the Lord:Moose,

Thanks for your urgent response to my email, I am very happy that you are ready to assist and work for humanity which proves that you are destined with a good heart. Working for charity is working for the Lord because this is what our Lord ordained. I read your mail and Really I understood that the few bad people in this world have spoilt image of the good ones and the bible said in HEBREWS -11-6 but without faith it is impossible to please him (GOD) for he that cometh to GOD must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarded of them that diligently seek him, I have know fear but faith. For all our wealth without Jesus, is vanity upon vanity.  I will like you to know that I have discussed with the banker who will  transfer the money to you this morning, attach on this mail is identification ,as you can see how sickness has turned me to be older than my age, but I am young in Christ ,for there is better life ,after death.

 

The banker said that they will need to hear from you first, so that they can explain the transfer procedure to you directly. Please see below the contact of the banker. I want you to contact the banker immediately you receive this email and also promise me one thing. That you will manage the money very well and I want to make sure I sign all the necessary documents needed Please Kindly Contact My banker on his contact information Above when I am no more as my days are numbered.

 

SEE THE BELOW CONTACTS
Contact person Ext 110 : MR. GWALA MASHABA
STANDARD BANK CREDIT MANAGER.
Tell+27 83-958-1842,

E-mail: gwalamashaba.standard@consultant.com

Please update me of your communication with the banker as soon as possible. I count on you; please keep praying for me as I will be praying for you too. Also let the congregation of the church you worship also pray for me.

Thanks and may the Grace of our Lord almighty be with you.

Your sister in the Lord.
Mrs. Wendy Williams
Tell +27-63-287-9558  

 

My email didn't have all that much to it, so either she is dyslexic (hence all the references to God rather than Dog) or simply illiterate; in which case email templates are a god/dogsend to those who follow in her scamsteps.

 

She even included what she billed to be a picture of her:

 

 

I gather that she's the one in the chair.  Or is the chair.

At any rate/fabric design, I decided to see if her banker was paying any better attention to what I writ than she was...thus went to the banker an edit of her email thus:

My Dearest in the Moose Lodge,

Thanks for your lackluster and skimpy respond to my email, I would be very very happy that you are ready to assist and work for humanity if you had said that in your email; instead, you referenced having seed my dawg and took it from that to suggest that I did, indeed, need help.

WTF?

Anyway, I don't have a dawg; I have a Babylonian River Dancing Spider Hamster named Hellary.  I also have a faux Indian chinchilla onyx named Fauxcahontas Warren; she's supposed to be someone famous in American politics for nothing in particular, though I think that I digress. 

The point is, that you bothered to reply proves that you are destined with a good heart until such time as you ladle its innerworkings with cholesterol and it locks up on you faster than a hellary supporter trying to say what she's accomplished.  Working for chastity is working for nothing around here, because something's always screwing something else in this part of the world.  And that is what our artificial deity ordained.

I had your mail read to me by the local witch doctor we rented from Azerbaijan and Really I understood that the few bad assholes won't spoil the whole bunch girl, which is a song by Michael Jackson before his nose imploded on South Park.  Some people in this world...people who eat people...are the lousiest people...in the world.  This led me to have spoilt image of the less edible ones and the good book that we use here -- Dr. Ruth's Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Try With A Groundhog -- said in Coffeemakance -11-6 that but without grounds it is impossible to please the customer for he that cometh to have caffeine and to not have it must believe that he is also short of bacon. 

Further, in the book of Flatulence - 1-1-1, is says that "phfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff" and that he is a rewarded of them that diligently seek a stealthy one cheek sneak;  I have knowd fear but I shall fear no flatus for I have a Glade Plug in and hurricane fan. For all our wealth without burritos, is vanity without propellance. 

Now to biscuits...I will like you to know that I have discussed with the banker who spoke to the candle dick maker who knows the muffin pan who lives on Oral Gum Drop Lane and will  transfer 65 aqueducks to a water hole in rural Ohio and bill it accordionly.  To help him help those who help themselves who vote for the Bern, attach on this mail is identification, as you can see how sickness has turned me into be a chair being sold at a Goodwill outlet in Sandusky. 

The banker said that they will need to hear from you first, so that they can explain how it is that a barking spider can clear an elevator almost as fast as a full size picture of Hellary in a butt thong.  Please see below the contact of the banker. With a name like the banker have, names like Schmuckers will no longer be the only thing suggestive of being good.  I want you to contact the banker immediately you receive this email and also promise me one thing:  you won't play William Hung's Favorite Vuvuzela Hits on YouTube and I want to make sure that you sign all the necessary documents that guarantee that YouTube will be spared that.  Kindly Contact My banker on his contact information Above when I am no more as my days are numbered because they tattooed a calendar on my ass and from the size of it they were able to cover a year and a half or so. 

Contact person Ext 110 : MR. GWALA MASHABA

WHEEL OF FORTUNE LETTER TURNER BECAUSE VANNA WOULDN'T COME HERE SINCE THE LOCALS WANTED TO EAT HER.
Tell+27 83-958-1842,

E-mail: mailto:gwalamashaba@outlook.com.com

Please update me of your communication with the banker as soon as plausible deniability is a word in Burundi. I count on you because counting on my ass is too terrible to contemplate and it breaks every mirror hereabouts; please keep donkeys from braying for me as I will be braying right back at them if the bastards start up. Also let the congregation of the Cheers watering hole know that Kirstee Alley doesn't wear as big a butt thong as Hellary does.

Your sister in the Jack Daniels billboard ad from Dribbleglass.

Show original message

Mrs. Wendy Williams
Tell +27-63-287-9558  

 

 

...and I included the above, so they'd maybe sorta get the reference.  


That reply was obviously NOT READ by her bank and her curiously named wanker banker:

From: Mr. Gwala Mashaba

Standard Bank Credit Manager

Tel: +27 -83-958-1842
Fax:+27-86-219-0342

Standard Bank, Pretoria Branch, South Africa  

Attn: Moose            

Re: Confirmation of the Procedures to effect the transfer of US$20.5Million funds into your bank account in overseas. 
 
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail for the fund transfer of Mrs. WENDY JANE WILLIAMS and she instructed me to contact you regarding the funds which she wants me to transfer to your account, I wish to inform you that I have a meeting with your partner Mrs. WENDY JANE WILLIAMS and I have proceeded with the transfer documents.

Firstly, before we proceed, We need to secure a Court Order and change all the documents of the said funds to your name as the next of kin/beneficiary of the above mentioned sum before we will transfer the funds to your account.

I want to inform you that if I proceed in this transfer without the court order to change the beneficiary to your name, it will be a waste.

Open your attach files herein and fill our bank form with your account details and return it back to us with a copy of your passport or drivers license for our bank record as to enable me transfer the funds into your account.
 
Do call me as soon as you get this mail.

Waiting for your anticipation.

Thank you. 

 

Regards,

 

  Mr. Gwala Mashaba

Standard Bank Credit Manager

Tel: +27 -83-958-1842

Fax:+27-86-219-0342

Standard Bank, Pretoria Branch, South Africa  

 

 

Since they don't seem to read anything:

 

How, oh how, oh how do we go about securing a court order for such a thing?  And does it come with sides?   No, make that a side of onion rings.  


stop emailing us.  


Why?  You started it.  I want my side of onion rings.  


Guess I'll have to go to Sonic for my onion rings...