But an email I recently received was meant to convince me that I had, in fact, heard from Mrs. Trump. And with good news, too.
It went on for several more paragiraffes telling me to send the $100 to some gomer with piles in Benin to receive my $15.5 million USD.
Thank you, Melania.
Sadly, Melania didn't really send me that. 'She' sent it to one of my scambaiting characters. And he -- politically incorrect snot that he is -- felt that an edited reply was necessary. *Note to CIA: no wiretaps were harmed during the course of editing this scam email from parties of dubious antecedence, probably comparable to that of the DNC*. And with no foithah adieu:
Bank of Amurkitah Carport Office Hindquarters
100 Nevah Stop Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255
United States That Baggages Fees Are Poobah
8 a.m.-9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT)
Saturday and Sunday
8 a.m.-4 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT) Email:email@example.com
Dear esteemed customer,
The Management of the Bank of Amurkitah Carport Office Hindquarters here
in 100 Nevah Stop Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 wishes to inform you that
after a brief meeting held by the Bank executives yesterday,the 9
Day of January,2017 at precisely 8 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT),
we deem it appropriate to let you know that we need a new f**king
I mean, WTF...it's March 15 -- the Ides of March Madness -- and yesterday
was January 9th???
My elementary school chronology teacher would rupture a vaginal canal
over a gaffe like dat.
Since imitation is the highest form of flattening -- and it hasn't worked for
Rosie O'Donnell -- your funds will not be transferred into the USofA Treasury
Account with the JP Morgan Chasing Cute Hindquarters through traffic at
270 Park Avenue in New York because cabbies there are bat sh*t cray-cray.
Accordion to the record we got from the African band of Ukulele Ungabunga
and the Five Cannibal Douche Canoes, your inability to complete the
telepathic link up to a cosmic kumquat on Uranus has endangered the
entire gender reassignment of a herd of yaks in Dearborn, which was
supposed to have comes up next week.
This is in line with the bowel obstructions of the USA Treasurer,Mrs.Rosa
Gumataotao Rios, that all unclaimed funds be given a free burrito when
entering into the USA illegally as Syrian door knobs from Aleppo which
are knowd to be unserviceable and tend to blow up. This has been
knowd pretty much since compliance to section 3 subsection 1(a) of the
United States Financial Law enacted in 2001 after an attack on an
inflatable Josie 'n the Puddy Tats by Michael Moore's bloviated
Find below the pedophile lurking in the bank file room where your funds
are in danger of being molestated in accordance with the dictates of the
evil sammich Tuna Phish 'n The Twat Waffle Street Band. If you have
questions about this -- and we have no doubt you will -- email us with
your incredulity at firstname.lastname@example.org
Now we have some non sequitur sh*t to disclaim here:
JP Morgan Chasing Cute Hindquarters into traffic at 270 Park Avenue in New York.
JP Morgan Chasing Cute Hindquarters is official perverts of the USA Monopoly
AC NO: 68302345093
Account Name: USA Monopoly Monkey Department,USA (because we believe
Note that if you still wish to receive a disheveled hamster that felched a
camel do get back to us immediately so that we will remove you from our
database and schedule you for a mental exam, you sick bastard.
Also note in e-flat that only a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL that can
play horns and bark like a dawg for me when thrown anchovies
will successfully complete the sh*t this email is meant to start. The fee to obtain
the SEAL was reduced from$600 to $100 because we couldn't find one
f**king idiot so stupid as to pay $600 for a dawg imitating seal that stinks
of bad fish and farts "I have an apple..I have a pen...I have an apple pen..UHHH"
You are required to send the fee of $100 by WESTERN UNION or MONEY
GRAM or JURASSIC AIR COURIER or by a pneumatic cannon with GPS
coordinatable targeting to the issuing officer at the bank where your
made up transaction originated as stated below:
Receivers Name:Johnson Obata
Country :Benin Republic
AMOUNT to send: $100
Refrain: Apple Pen
MTCN or REFERENCE Number
The name of the city from where the money was sent
doesn't mean sh*t. Just sayin.
If we receive the MTCN today,we will gladly pay you for a
hamburglar on Tuesday. We will send you all the transfer documents,
close our internet café and declare a national holiday in Benin wherein
we cook and eat all the diplomats from Europe, America and Uranus.
We have waited for so long and we cannot continue to wait.
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to give you the business.
Bank of Amurkitah®
Carport Office Hindquarters,Charlotte,N.C.
Bank of Amurkitah, N.A. Member FWTF.
© 2011 Bank of Amurkitah Carport. All rights in the hands of a
trigendered penguin named Opus
The originating scammer had nothing further to say, and since no White House tweets were triggered by this, we know beyond all doubt that it wasn't Melania.
Rachal Madcow and the fake news sex organ cnn will no doubt seize on this. Gesundheit when they do.