A Guide to (Almost) No Surprises in '08
Wanna know what the future of '08 holds? A few think they know. Most would like to. A lot will make guesses about it. A few will be right. Most will be anywhere from right, to a little bit right, to wrong, to waaaaaaaaaaaaaay wrong. Some of them will enter the federal Psychic Witness Protection Program by the end of the year, ducking the many who want to sue over inaccurate predictions that cost $125/hour.
Speaking for this blog, don't waste your money on 1-900-PSYCHIC, cheap tabloids, newspaper astrology, Letterman's Top Ten of '08 List, or NostraCurlus (pictured, right). Just let ol' Skunk hyar do the foreseenin'.
Granted, I'm about as prescient as a popcorn fart; then again, even I have enough worldly experience to know in advance that a popcorn fart will clear an elevator. And with some of what passes for expertise in the official pundit world, it makes me "qualified" to pass along what follows. What's more, these predictions for the year ahead come with a guarantee*. How much better can it get than that?
So let's get right to it:
'08 will NOT be the year of the "Inevitable Hillary": despite all of Hil's, Bill's and the allied media efforts to inflate and keep afloat the bad ship Inevitable Hillary and her voyage toward Leftist-styled socialism, her negatives and Bill's inability to remember which lie he told to whom, when and where, will lead to a Republican returning to the White House in '08. She may not even get the nomination, all her spin and "inevitability" aside.
(I was half-right: Hillary isn't the President-elect; then again, neither is a Republican...1 out of 2).
Speaking of the White House: voters might barely return a Republican to the White House, avoiding a 90s revival of the Oral Office and Lincoln Bedroom orgies, but..."President Huckabee"? Don' think so. It'll more likely be an ex-mayor, ex-senator, or ex-governor, not that we're naming names.
(I was right that it ain't President Huckabee...but wrong on the party. 1 out of 2).
'08 will be the year of allegations of election fraud: especially when the Clintons lose. Moron.arg and ACORN will lead the charge, demanding that illegal aliens, cartoon characters, convicted felons, transients, college radicals under multiple aliases and dead people, were denied the right to vote for Hillary. The charge will be true. The demand for legal redress based on the charge will be crap, as heretofore and always.
(Since the Dems didn't lose, they weren't screaming fraud...this time. Missed that 'un).
'08 will be the year of the 'alternative energy source' breakthrough: as stability in the Middle East continues to move in the same direction as the positive opinion ratings of the US Congress, some obscure research facility in a secretive location will develop and perfect the first methane collector/converter for use in a wide variety of formats, effectively ending the need to import $100/barrel-plus oil from persons of dubious antecedence and weirder notions of camels. It will provide for methane-powered autos, aircraft, boats, ships, space craft, as well as residential and industrial power for perpetuity, or as long as Man and Bovine inhabit the Earth and/or Congress stays in session. Granted, getting bovines to take the passenger seat in your Miata or next to you on a 787 Dream (or Nightmare) Liner might prove a bit cumbersome, but there's always trade-offs. And to offset the olfactory downside, there'll be Glade Plug-ins.
(okay, so stability in the Middle East achieved marginally more success than Congressional ratings; the jury's still out on this particular alternative energy source, especially with Dems in charge...no win or loss here).
'08 will be the year that AlGore predicts Earth has surpassed the tipping point in the great Global Warming Scam: AlGore and his hysteria-for-profit crowd will decree that "it's too late", and that within 5-10 years, Mother Earth and every mother's son and daughter are doomed, unless drastic action is taken now. Meantime, he and his minions will secretly switch most of their investments into the company that makes Glade Plug-ins.
(I think I'm in on this one.)
'08 will be the year that war will continue, somewhere: yep. Too much ammo laying around to just let go to waste, and too many good terrorist targets out there to pass up on. Happy shooting! (Yawp...excluding Afghanistan and Iraq, there's all sorts of shooting all over Africa, and some in Asia...this one was like shooting fish in a bucket).
'08 will be the year that Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britany Spears, and other like-minded celebrities will make news: if the celebs themselves don't, the media will guaran-dang-tee that they do. Unless, of course, that the three aforementioned clean up their acts. Then they'll still make the news, as the media will openly speculate on how long before they fall off their respective wagons. And if they somehow don't, the media will report they did, anyway. Not that it matters, since none of the three can stay on a wagon, unless strapped to it.
(Win, place and show...I'm onna roll).
'08 will be the year that some legendary personalities will die: the Dolly cloning experiments proved that, as yet, you can't dig up and rejuvenate The Three Stooges. But '08 -- like a couple-three previous years -- will prove better for animated personalities; just ask the animated David Seville and his foils, Alvin and the Chipmunks.
(Bingo...another fish in a bucket one).
'08 will be the year that the US dollar stabilizes: at about the value of a quarter.
(Hmmm....not far from it...I'll score that one as good).
'08 will be the year that illegal immigration peaks and recedes: especially when the peso is worth more than the dollar.
(Ditto...dang, I'm good).
'08 will be the year of break-through, life-enhancing discoveries: for instance, the above alternative power source; abdominal exercisers that really work; a fool-proof answer for men to use when asked that dangerous question by their ladies, "is my butt getting fat?", and what may well be the life-enhancement for the history of Man/Womankind, the invention of a nuclear bomb that leaves intact buildings, plant and animal life, and normal human beings; it incinerates only lawyers. That one will probably earn a legitimate Nobel Peace Prize and will prove the greatest single invention of the past 10,000 years, replacing the wheel, fire and Chinese food takeout/delivery previously so designated.
(Well, there were some breakthroughs...just not the ones I listed...debit).
'08 will be the year that research studies continue to reveal to us the obvious: for example, a five year study of 1001 adults who consumed canned corn for at least one meal a week will die eventually, according to researchers at the Harvard School of Absolutely Ridiculous Studies For Federal Funding. They'll insist that more study (aka, taxpayer money) is needed to determine cause and effect. They'll most likely get it.
(This was another 'fish in a bucket' study...winner).
'08 will be the year that suicide bombers will be required to wear and clearly display warning labels: so will say the FDA; the ACLU will fight this, to be sure. They'll most likely seek to have it misadjudicated in the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, at least until that aforementioned Nobel Peace Prize nuclear device is brought into play.
(I think I win this one: suicide bombers still aren't wearing warning labels, and the ACLU would have fought it tooth and nail, anyway...score another for me).
'08 will be the year that congressional 'ear marks' will be renamed: to something to try to conceal them again. It won't work. The practice will continue, regardless (until or unless the previous entry).
(I win this one hands down, especially with the Dems in charge..).
'08 will be the year that the Weekly World News predicts Hell freezing over, pigs flying, Big Foot learning the Macarena, carnivorous happy-footed penguins, and proving yet again that an alien U-boat -- disguised as an ice berg -- actually sank the RMS Titanic: oh, and yes, they'll predict the coming "end times" again. And again. And again. And the Alien that meets US Presidents and predicts presidential outcomes, will predict that Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich will not get their party nominations for President. Pretty intuitive feller.
(Another one for me...hooha).
'08 sports predictions: no one will break the MLB home run season or career marks, while waiting for the next generation of performance-enhancing steroids to be developed and concealed. Mike Tyson will try to come out of retirement after seeing Rocky XXI (he won't finish the first round against Candy, the steroided Wonder Gerbil). The Stanley Cup will be won by some team. There won't be any 8' players yet in the NBA (see the first prediction for why). The New York Jets will be predicted by some idiot to win the Super Bowl next season (they won't). Woody Paige will remain a pompous, loud-mouthed pinhead. Will Ferrell won't win the NASCAR Winston/Busch Cup title(s). The NCAA football national champion next season will almost be won by William & Mary, when new BCS standards are "fixed" yet again. Girls Gone Wild will be rejected as an Olympic sport in Beijing, causing widespread civil disobedience and bringing down the government, to Keith Olberman's petty annoyance.
(Doing good on all those but the William & Mary pick and bringing down the Chinese government...they might screw me up and get into the BSCS yet...if ACORN runs the voting).
'08 climate predictions: the icecaps won't melt, the ocean won't boil, the lakes and rivers won't run dry, and the planet won't sizzle like an egg on a frying pan. Of course, it'll snow and disrupt the snarf out of some parts of the country, early and late in the year. It will be unseasonably warm and dry in other parts. There will be floods, droughts, heat, wind, thunderstorms, downdrafts, wind sheer, microbursts, mesocyclonic supercell thunderstorms, sleet, ice storms, dust storms, and some damned fine weather here and there, throughout the year. When it comes to hurricanes, '08 will be the year that not one hurricane will be named Bitch, Ho or Prick, even where deserved.
(Dang, I'm good...)
'08 movie predictions: movies will be made. Some will suck. Some won't. Anything with Will Smith, Harrison Ford or Hilary Swank in it, probably won't suck. Anything with Ben Affleck or Rosie O'Donnell, probably will.
(Dang, I'm good again..)
'08 TV predictions: some will be made, once the writer strike fades like a popcorn fart on the wind. Some will suck. Some won't. Most of the 'reality' TV shows will suck, regardless of who's writing for them.
(Subjective, but I think I score here, too..)
'08 astronomical predictions: Man won't yet walk on Mars, but AlGore will blame us for global warming there, anyway. Uranus won't attack Earth. An asteroid won't destroy the south side of Chicago, IL, much as it needs a face-lift.
(Yes, yes and yes...)
'08 religious predictions: radical Islamofascists will continue to suck. Jesus Christ will not have a reunion tour with the Twelve Disciples across America in a '47 Houston, despite some Mormon claims otherwise. South Park will remain thoroughly irreverent. Tom Cruise will continue to stew at South Park and Germany over their dissing of Scien-talltale-ogy, and it will affect his lackluster acting. Pastor Gas DVDs will still be found on the Internet, somewhere. The rest of us will do what we do. Amen.
(Shore 'nuff on all counts..)
So there you have it, folks: your guide to what to expect in '08, guaranteed*.
I did so good there, perhaps I might just do it again in '09...if I can find the predictive 8-ball I used last January...
* Disclaimer: you are guaranteed that if any/all of these predictions don't come to pass in '08, they will in some year that ends in some number...we just didn't specify in which CENTURY or parallel DIMENSION. And since it didn't cost you anything but time to visit this blog, we will be happy to offer you a time-back guarantee, soon as our alcoholic scientists at Bonco, UnInc., finish trouble-shooting and perfecting that Time Accelerator/Decelerator/Reclamation Device of theirs (coming in a future entry...or a past entry, soon as they figure out where it went on a test flight...).