Nigeria Ain't Safe To Fly In

They really don't know how to fly in Nigeria, at least as it appears in Scam Land.

But they are trying to find a way to match up airplane accidents to COVID, at least sorta.

Check out this email from one such scammer trying to make the connection (and arriving at their gate late):

I am Mrs. JULIA FLANAGAN, Personal assistant to my late husband the CEO of Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). My husband Dr. BRIAN FLANAGAN died months ago in a plane crash that is related to the COVID19 pandemic.  As a result of his sudden death his business associates are trying to rip me off my late husband's assets and heirlooms which he had left for me before his painful demise.

On this note, I wish to have a deal with you regarding our family heirlooms and huge funds deposit, which l do not want my late husband's associates to know about. As it is my duty to recommend the transfer of this deposit funds to any foreign contractors or investor, I have the opportunity and onus to write you based on the urgency to transfer these funds making you eligible to receive this funds also.

l ready and willing to divulge more information to you upon your positive response.

Please let me know your thoughts .
Yours faithfully,
Mrs. JULIA FLANAGAN.   

I have seen lots of badly-written scam templates in my time...but this one made me laugh out loud.  Woke my two pet rocks from sound naps, I did.

There wasn't much to work with here for an edit -- and the pet rocks were eager to return to their naps -- so I just responded to Ms Flim-Flamigan in a manure I was sure would leave her in WTFdom:

Ma'am:

I am terribly void of sorrow for the plight for which you have written to me about this day.

I never seem to hear about very good outcomes when it comes to commercial air travel in Nigeria.

In fact, Nigeria seems to be the 'Bermuda Octogon' of air travel.

Now you claim that COVID is contributing to the negative gravitation farces that seem to make air travel in Nigeria even more hazardless than normal.

This would be distressing indeed, were I to contemplate air travel in your haphazard neck of the woods.

Fortunately, my current calendar of events -- real and imagined -- does not have a penciled-in trip to or from Nigeria in my immediate timeline.

It does further sound to me like, as regards your famdamily, that you chose poorly when marrying into such a motley collection of abject "act like democraps in America" types.

You might have done much better to have married a tree stump in an environmentally-correct forest outside of Portland, OR.

Or maybe not...them folks there are loonier than anything your template creators can conjure up.

And I can assure you that having added COVID to your plane crash template is about as believable as Joe Bidumb getting 81 million votes.

So allow me to offer you a few suggestions, since that's the extent of what you'll gain from h'yar:

1.  Make your templates more believable by replacing the oft-used plane crash with an wildebeest stampede and stompfest.

2. Omit any mention of 'COVID' and replace it with 'Painful Rectal Itch'..

3.  Marry more wisely in the future..

4.  Get a better proofreader..

5.  And send all of your untested templates to the Democrap National Committee in Washington, DC...if they adopt your template, try again.  They're morons.

A pet rock friend of mine hopes you'll find this helpful.

The silence that followed suggested that Ms Flim-Flamigan did not find my suggestions helpful...

Ignorance Is Only Bliss If It Doesn't Know Any Better

Sometimes, ignorance IS bliss.  

Then again, there's Alexa Bliss...RRowwwrrr.

But that ain't the bliss at work here.

No, this bliss is the kind when scammers do not or can not read the response you send them to their opening salvo, and they react as if you're all in with them.

Like Huston Ali.

We begin:

I am Mr.Huston Ali,from West Africa am sorry to intrude into your privacy I got your email address through internet via computerized search
after my prayers so I bring to you this transaction which I notify from our bank an abandon fund which belongs to our late foreign customer who
deposited the sum 10.2 million USD but he died at of cancer and
ever since then no one has applied to claim the fund
so I write to you with confidence that you can be a help so we can get
the fund out of the bank I want you to apply to the bank as his
foreign business partner note that once the fund is been release to
your wish bank account in your country it will be shared among us in
the ratio of 60%40 if you are interested please kindly forward your
details so we can move towards it.

Your full name...........

Your Bank Name:............

Your Telephone Number:............

Your Age And Sex:.......................

Your marital status........

Your Occupation..........

Your Country city............

Thanks
Mr Huston Ali....   

My reply was not meant to test Ali's comprehension:

Mr. Huston Ali from West Africa, eh?

You haven't intruded into my privacy, you staph-infected jockstrap.  You've simply amused me with your sandpoundingly stupid email that's more full of sh*t than a Christmas goose.  You abject morons have no clue as to how to write a credible scam template, so you keep sending me these blatantly stupid ones.

For if it had been, Ali flunked monumentally:

Dear Mr Jack Ewehoff, 

Thank you so much for your kind response towards my proposal letter,please try to understand that I don't have any bad intention to contact you in this great opportunity, but I believe it will be a great benefit to both of us if you handle it with honest and sincere.

Then he goes on:

To be very honest with you, this transaction I have opened-up to you is totally genuine and 100% risk-free. I am absolutely assuring you that no trouble or problems will involved in this transaction either
in the short-run or in the long-run because I have been working with this bank for many years now, which I know all its secrets very well,

i and my colleagues have carefully mapped-out our perfect strategies to carry out this transaction successfully.

Moreover, you have to understand that the deceased customer of this bank late Dr. Walid Ahmed Juffali who deposited the money in question is a well known Businessman and Investor, and since his death nobody has ever come to claim this deposited funds. While the bank management has been waiting for any of his relatives/business partner to come-up for the claim, that is the main reason why I decided to contact you,

so that you will stand as his foreign business partner and apply to my bank here with the information which I am going to give you to apply
as his foreign Business Partner to enable them to start processing the transfer of the fund into any bank account of your choice. And once the fund is transferred to the bank account that you will provide to my bank, I will then arrange my travelling documents and visit your country for us to share the fund accordingly.

Please note very well that I am still working with this bank hence I am in good position to give you all the necessary information that will assist you to claim this fund successfully, but please do not
betray or disappoint me when you finally received the fund into your bank account.

Note: I can only reach you through email whenever I am in the office for security reasons, because our calls might be monitored while in the office. I just have to be sure of whom I am dealing with, as you
can see the amount is a huge sum of money and we have to build trust between each others to achieve our aim.

I wait to hear from you, so that I will give you the application form and bank contact information for you to apply to the bank as his foreign business partner, and in less than 14 working days the money should noted in your account and I will come over for my share of the fund.

I am expecting to hear from you for further clarification as soon as possible.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply,

Thanks
My Best regards.
Huston Ali. 
Tell+226 65255625.   

Suddenly I find my sarcasm reservoir is overflowing after a glimpse of his blissful ignorance, so I employ a little of it so as not to waste it like a turd down a toilet:

It amuses me to receive your thanks for my kind reply that clearly you didn't read or grasp.  You're welcome.

Yes, I'm sure that you and your peers there have everything mapped out with the precision of a second lieutenant fresh out of West Point that's using the wrong kind of compass; he doesn't know where he is but he's etched a neat little ditty to Ethel in the desk top that's sure to get him detention and some gender sensitivity training.

And I find your assurance that your scheme is 100% genuine and risk-free to be a comfort to anyone who is more fluent in Azerbaijani than they are in English.

You say that the source of the 'money' for this ploy, the late Dr. Walid Ahmed Juffali who deposited the money in question is a well known Businessman and Investor.  I never heard of him.

Neither have either of my pet rocks, my deactivated Alexa, or Bob Uecker.  Then again, perhaps Bob Uecker has heard of him, and Ueck's made up a couple or more funny stories about him.

Yes, I can't fail but to note that you say you're still working at this bank that you're attempting to swindle.  Or you're not, and it's just me that you're attempting to swindle.  Either way, you request confidentiality so that you're not exposed like a trench-coated pervert on Colfax Avenue in the low-rent district.  I promise that I'll keep that in mind when I post this.

Do get back to me with more details, as I am now sure that no matter what I say, you will.

I was right on both points:  

Dear Mr Jack Ewehoff,

I am ready to do the transaction with you I am 100% pleased with you. You sound so trust worthy. I will do the deal with you. In less than one week, this fund will hit in your account, and then I and my entire family will come over to your country for the normal disbursement as discussed earlier on.  

He goes on to direct me to a 'banker' with the Bank of Africa, located in bucolic Burkina Fatso, a hotbed of banking and scammer-level integrity and ethics.  This is what I'm supposed to send to the bank at Ali's recommendation:

 Attn: Mr. Mallam Bobo Ouderago
Foreign Remittances Director
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou, North West zone-
Annex, 01 Ouaga
Burkina Faso, West Africa
Email: (info.boabankofafricaa@financier.com)

Subject: applying as the next of kin to the deceased.

I,………..apply to your bank as the next of kin to your deceased customer Dr. Walid Ahmed Juffali from Saudi Arabia holder of account no BF4934109,,putting claim over his balance with your bank valued at US$10.2 Million Dollars only. Sir, I wish to be intimated on the procedures involved in having this fund transfer into my account as given below:

1. Full Name...................
2. Sex.................................
3. Age............................
4. Country....................
5. Marital status..............
6. Occupation:..................
7. Bank name....
8. Bank account No............
9. Bank phone n.................
10. Bank swift code:.............
11. Personal mobile No..........
12. Personal fax No............
13. Personal E-mail:………

Okay, fine:  let's see if his 'banker' is as blissfully ignorant as Ali, as I allow my pet rocks Seymour and Element to 'doctor up' the letter template Ali sent me to use with the bank:

Attn: Mr. Mallam Bobo Ouderago
Foreign Remittances Director
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou, North West zone-
Annex, 01 Ouaga
Burkina Faso, West Africa
Email: (info.boabankofafricaa@financier.com)

Subject: applying Preparation H in Sensitive Genital Areas as the next of kin to the deceased.

I, being of sound mind and willing remainder if it's with Alexa Bliss, do hereby and forth or fifthwith apply to your bank as the next of kin to a diseased and likely since deceased customer that everybody in Africa know'd, Dr. Walid Ahmed Juffali from Saudi Arabia holder of account no BF4934109.  No one outside of Africa or Newark know'd poor Juffali other than as the quad-gendered pole dancer at the dive club Jock Strap Josie's on West Podunk Avenue in Pahrump, Nevada.  That aside, I am or is putting claim over his balance with your bank valued at US$10.2 Million Dollars only. Sir, I wish you to understand that I am not to be intimidated by the procedures involved in having this fund transfer into my account as given below because such things do not intimidate me unless you're an Alaskan Brown Bear...those f**kers are lethal.:

1. Full Name...................Jack N. Ewehoff
2. Sex.................................when it won't get me arrested or slapped, yes
3. Age............................old enough for this sh*t
4. Country....................USofA
5. Marital status..............what the f**k does that matter
6. Occupation:..................I have one
7. Bank name....International Bank of Fawg, Ltd.
8. Bank account No............0185863992
9. Bank phone n.................303-582-5440
10. Bank swift code:.............Bofwtf4N
11. Personal mobile No..........303-582-5441
12. Personal fax No............303-582-5442
13. Personal E-mail:………hustonali2999@gmail.com

I also apologies for not being able to have applied since my sudden death in a accident involving COVID, an inflatable yak sex toy and a Yugo on 20th July 2021.  Having since learned that it was due to some family problem which have just being settled, you can contact me via séance on the 3rd Astral Plane. I wish an urgent attention should be given to my humble application as the urgency implies on this matter.

Will the 'bank' be any brighter than Ali?  Lessee....

...well, after the doctored email to the bank, suddenly somone on that end bothered to actually read what I was sending them...and with that, the genuine and 100% risk free offer was rescinded without further comment.

That kind of bliss never lasts.

This kind is another matter...

A Basic Lesson In Density

George McFly might once have been this dense.

Then again, he was a movie character, not a Third World email scammer.

Their density is my playground.

Witness if you will the following exchange betwixt myself and "Miss Raina".  She begins thus:

I'm Miss Rania i really want to know you and have a good relationship with you i have something very important to explain to you when i hear from you
Raina   

On that point I am dubious at best.  That said, you don't know me, but I....I most certainly know you. I hear from many like you weekly.  All are just as full of sh*t as you are.  Curiosity moves me to ask how is it that you can stand to BE this full of sh*t?  Asking for a friend.

What she comprehends and what she doesn't is open to interpretation, but it seems my opening reply didn't derail Part 2 of her intended scam template:

Let me introduce myself properly to you again as you said, i' am Madam Rania Tareq from Libya, resident here in Senegal with my late husband family due to the crisis going on in my country Libya that took many souls, I am a window, Age 27 years old with one daughter, we are 2 female in my family, 1 has died with cancer,  i got married to Late Engineer Mr Tareq al-Khalifa who was working with Libya Government as a construction manager, my husband was shot and killed in his office in Libya on the 14th of July 2019 when we came back from London, due to the crisis going on in my country Libya, we move to nearby country here in Senegal where am presently live with my late husband family, i need your help if you can,  the situation i live here with my late husband family is very difficult for me, am not comfortable here with the Family behaviors, i want to get out from my late husband family with my daughter because of my situation, i wanted to go back to London after the death of my late husband to take cares of his Petrol and Gas station he invested in London, his family stop me not to go back to London, than declared to handling my late husband investment to his uncle who also resident in London,

i' m seeking for your help to assist me claim this 1.4 million dollars in your account my late husband has in Barclay bank London, I want to withdrawal this money out from the account  of my late husband and move away from his family here, if you will stand and claim this money for me, let me know so that i will introduce you to the Bank where the money was made and deposited for you to contact they office to know the possibility of claiming the money for me in your account, so that i can come over there in your country and live then invest,  i don't want my late husband family to know about this money since am still living with the family here, am doing everything secretly, if is possible for me to meet you before doing anything, i am ready to meet you, but i don't have much money at hand now to sponsor myself and my daughter to fly to your country, i don't want to claim this money here because of my late husband  family that is around me, my  phone no +221 763 297 285

 For apparent authentication, she included this supposed-to-be-an "awwwww" moment photo:

Sadly, my "awwwww" reaction reservoir was in something of a drought mode:

Yes, you are again introduced to me as you are and I find you just as full of sh*t with this second introduction as I found you with the first, more abbreviated introduction.  Trust me when I tell you that you reintroducing yourself a third time will not reduce the amount of sh*t that you're full of.

It is a nice picture though.  Who'd you steal it from?

Perhaps she's not quite as dense as I thought...but nor is she terribly bright:

I do not understand you  

I am not surprised at your lack of understanding.  That's what you get for using a template you haven't closely examined or well thought out.  For example:  you or someone wrote for you that, quote,  I am a window, Age 27 years old with one daughter, we are 2 female in my family, 1 has died with cancer.  So, is your daughter the one that died with cancer, or are you, the window, the one that died with cancer?  See what you just did there?

The density increases:

i do not understand you point.  how can i be died from cancer when i write you?

Egg-XACTLY, babycakes....now perhaps you are just beginning to see what you did there.  How you go about correcting it, I'm not sure, not being a doctor nor playing one on TV.  When you're died from cancer, you is dead.  A corpse.  A cadaver.  No longer one with the physical realm.  And as such, quite unable to communicate with those of us remaining in the physical realm.  You must really be new at this, aren't you?  Being a dead window I mean.  

i am not understand this point.  can we discuss if you are going to help me?

How in the HELL can I help a window that's been dead for 27 years?  That's beyond the most advanced science our planet knows, Babs.  Perhaps when your daughter grows up, technology will have caught up to make this template workable.  Just now...it's a total buzzkill that would have been *GONG*d on the original Gong Show.  And when you've flopped with Chuck Barris, you truly is gong'd.  

what is meaning

Meaning is what something has when it's explained by the person presenting it to someone else.  How the explainer explains it to the person having it explained to them, well that's the trick in what is meaning.  Did you get that?  Have you gotten any of this?  I'll loop the *Jeopardy Theme Song* a couple extra segments to give you time to answer.  Please take your time....it's quite clear that you need it.

After that, Miss Raina -- or one of her handlers at the fly-infested internet cafe from whenst she was trying this sh*t -- finally had a density breakthrough, and ended any further attempts with her faulty template.

The pet rocks Seymour and Element did agree with me on one point:  it was a nice picture.