An Edit That Brings Them To Tears

Actually, it's simpler than that in Kim Jong Un's North Korea.

Some online rag -- Business Insider, I believe -- actually wasted print on why so many pictures exist with North Koreans crying in the immediate presence of their ruling pudgmeister, Kim Jong Un.

My pet rock, Seymour, knowd the answer to that without having to read the article.  But it spurred him to again don his editing hat, and fix what BI got wrong:

Why everybody seems to be crying in lots of photos with Kim Jong un

Lots of people are crying in this photo — but why? WTFNS investigates.

• Ever wondered why there are loads of people crying in photos with Kim Jong-un?
  
• North Korea has a legacy of public displays of grief and overwhelming emotion.
  
• According to Yvonne Wasserputz-Schulz, Professor of Korean Studies at the University of Humbug, it started with Kim Jong-un's grandfather, Kim Il-sung. And his feet.
  

---

In Kim Jong-un's North Korea, many things seem strange to the Western world. Like everything.

Kim Jong-un is an isolated case
Similarly, with the many pictures showing Kim jong un with his subjects, people often seem to be moved to tears.

Yvonne Wasserputz-Schulz, Professor of Korean Studies at the University of Humbug, is not surprised by these displays. Emotionality is part of the cult of personality in North Korea started by Kim Jong-un's grandfather, Kim Il-sung. "The Kim rulers are exaggerated, almost egawds-like perceived," says Wasserputz-Schulz to WTFNS.

“And they're very heavy footed”, added Wasserputz-Schulz.


Park Dong-Wak, an analyst at the Korea Institute for Advanced Weight Loss in Seoul, told The New York Slimes that the grief at Kim Jong-il's funeral was overwhelmingly staged. Especially since everyone had to stop and get a hug from Kim Jong Un. And during that moment, he stepped on their foot. Park also said, "Other North Koreans weep because they simply can't help it...Un is one heavy dude." So, even in Kim Jong-un's photos, none of the tears is a happy tear.

And even more so when he parts with a kimshi fart.

Seymour's going to need his own desk button to counter Kim Jong Un before long.

"Will NOT!!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Good point...

A Tale of Two Buttons

In a couple of recent online articles, Russia's Vladimir "Rootin' Tootin'" Putin speculated that in the verbal exchange between North Korean pudgepot Kim Jong Un and American POTUS Donald Trump over whose got the best button, Un won the skirmish.

Righhhhhhhhht.

And Hellary Clinton is president.

My pet rock, Seymour -- never one to miss an opportunity to tweak the North Korean leader of dubious antecedence -- felt that it was once again time for a little creative editing in the wake of ol' Vlad's drivel.


Anonymous Sources In North Korea Tell of Anti-aircraft Gun Ammo Shortages Due In Part To Buttons

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

January 11, 2018

Anonymous sources in North Korea – outside of government, as there can be no others – report that the North Korean Air Defense Command (OHPHUK) reported to government officials a severe shortage of anti-aircraft weapons ammunition of all calibers recently after a military readiness exercise revealed no readiness whatsoever when none of the guns were able to fire on towed targets.

South Korea’s spy agency unveiled what they believe to be the reason: executions by anti-aircraft gun have become SOP for the Imperious Leader, Kim Jong Un, exhausting the supply. 
 
And the tempo of executions is being stepped up in the wake of Kim Jong Un's rage over finding out that his nuclear button isn't bigger than American president Donald Trump's, let alone the fact that President Trump's button works.

Kim Jong Un wants President Trump's button...

Kim pulled out the anti-aircraft gun for the execution of five senior officials, charged with submitting false progress reports on the status of Kim Jong Un's desk mounted nuclear button, according to South Korea’s National Intelligence Service (NIS).

North Korea anonymous sources say that after hearing what he considered to be a vainglorious boast by President Trump, Kim Jong Un rushed back to his desk to test his button, only to find that it didn't work.

Only one missile launched, and all it did was take out a fertilizer factory outside of Wonsan.

Afterward, as Kim Jong Un sat at his desk, morosely and repeatedly pushing his “useress button”, he ordered the executions of the five men responsible for the over optimistic report. This was in addition to the 2,000 persons of various positions and roles throughout the country that Kim Jong Un demanded be executed via the guns in the weeks previous.

“I have a quota to keep” Un was heard to mutter as he continued morosely depressing his “useress button”.

The false data provided by the officials is in response to the state of “enraged” they face when reporting truth and accuracy to the young despot Kim Jong-un. “They simply can't win” said a source with South Korea's NIS.

The NIS did not reveal how it obtained information regarding the most recent executions other than by the noise coming from well inside the so-called 'demilitarized zone' north of the 38^th Parallel. As inside information about the internal affairs of the reclusive North Korean state is hard to come by, the accuracy of such reports is usually supplemented by the sound of anti-aircraft gun fire to a certain -- okay, a large -- extent.

Kim Jong Un reportedly has an affinity for killing people with anti-aircraft guns, since his demand for the high energy plasma weapon used in an old Star Trek episode (TOS) by Romulans has not yet been made available by North Korean scientists.

Experiments with his other idea -- a ramped up Salad Shooter -- was a "totar frop", costing North Korea more weapons scientists.

Since he took power in 2011, Kim Jong-un is suspected to have executed at least 300,000 people, among which are around 140 senior officials, in an attempt to secure his grip on unreality.

While Kim has a certain love for the anti-aircraft gun, North Korea has many execution methods. Some people have been sat on by a 500 pound Korean dressed to look like Hellary Clinton, and others have been executed by being put in a secure room 24/7 and forced to listen to William Shatner sing. Former Vice Minister of the Army Kim Chol and former Deputy Defense Minister Kim Yong Chun were obliterated by being forced to watch The View. Former Deputy Minister of Public Security O Sang-hon was forced to receive tweets from Nancy Pelosi until he turned an anti-aircraft gun on himself.

Seymour is absolutely no closer to a Pulitzer, but he might get a cameo in Team America World Police II, if it's ever made.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Danged if that didn't sound just like a North Korean anti-aircraft gun...

The Pet Rock vs Kim Jong Un in 2018 - I

2018 was not going to go on long before my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, took his customary poke at North Korean douche nozzle Kim Jong Un, after Un was particularly stupid in comments he made about his nation's nuclear capabilities.

It delighted Seymour that the POTUS was quick to seize on Kim Jong Un's delusions, and tweet about them.

So Seymour donned his editor hat and went to town thus:


North Korea Fouls Itself after Twitter Exchange Between Their Supreme Pudginator and the American POTUS
By Seymour PetRock -- WTFNS


Forget reaching the US mainland, numerous errant North Korean missiles go rogue all the time and blow up a city not far from the capital, Pyongyang, according to a report.

A WTFWongWithDat-12 intermediate-range ballistic missile turned itself into a very-short-range Taco Bell burrito fart when it failed during a test flight on April 28, 2017, and slammed into the city of Tokchon, according to The DOH! magazine.

The missile, which was launched from the Won Puk Dung airfield, flew like a drunken sea gull just 24 miles before taking a nosedive and striking a complex of industrial or outhouse buildings, the mag reported.

According to a US government source with knowledge of Nancy Pelosi's brand of botox, the missile’s designer has been executed by Kim Jong Un a minute after the errant flight.

The location of the missile’s impact was revealed exclusively to The DOH! which said it corroborated the flub using commercially unavailable satellite imagery that bounced off Stephen Colbert's ears in May 2017.

Although the images show that the explosion caused heavy damage in the heavily populated area, there is no way to tell if it led to casualties because no one's talking among those it fell on.

Had the missile successfully completed its test flight, it would have landed in the northern part of Wonsan.

Various media outlets around the world suppressed reports about the failed test — the third involving the WTFWongWithDat-12 — at the time because details about where the missile fell could not be massaged into a "blame Trump" narrative even after Wikileaks leaked it from the Russians who leaked it from the Clinton Globull Initiative Floundation, who got it from abject nincompoops at cnn.

Fearing such a frop, North Korean despot Kim Jong Un chose to claim that the missile came down right were it was supposed to.

“ I never riked that town anyway” North Korean media source KGAG reported Kim as saying after the frub. The reclusive regime now uses several new test sites, including Pyongyang’s Dennis Rodman Airport, which also serves as the country’s McDonalds Quarter Pounder with Cheese delivery hub and entry point for most non-thinking visitors.

Despite several failures, a WTFWongWithDat-12 continues to be tested and will continue to be tested until it quits blowing up portions of North Korea and starts killing fish at sea.

North Korea’s aggressive failed missile testing ratcheted up tensions between Pyongyang and Washington only because during a televised speech, Kim declared: “The United States can never fight a war against me and our state. It should properly know that the whole territory of the US is within the range of our nuclear strike and a nuclear button is always on the desk of my office, and this is just a reality, not a threat.”

President Trump was quick to tweak the North Korean pudgmeister.

“North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the ‘Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.’ Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!”

Upon hearing that, Kim Jong Un fired and executed his entire public relations staff, and is now rumored to be working on hiring Hellary Clinton's crimepaign staff from 2016, at the behest of cnn.


At this rate, I'm not sure who'll be targeting Seymour next...Kim Jong Un or the nincompoops at cnn.

Sister Act

Yes, my pet rock Seymour realizes that this is a depiction of Kim Jong-Il, not Kim Jong-un.

Seymour simply doesn't care.

When it's time to edit his favorite pudgepot to edit, Seymour's in for anything.

"Am NOT!!!"

Okay...almost.

Take Seymour's latest edit of the breaking story about Kim Jong-un promoting his sister...and see what my perverse pet rock dun widdit:

North Korea: Kim Jong-un promotes incest with sister Kim Yo-jong

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS
North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has promoted incest with his younger sister and ordered the secretive country’s neutered politburo to sanctify it.

Then again, Kim Yo-jong has been clear that Kim Jong-un's “suggestion” is “poopycork”, carefully reported the North Korean state media. 

“It shows that she ain't gonna take it laying down or in any other position,” said Michael Roweddaboatashore, a North Korea expert at Hop Johnskins Eunuchversity.

For gender neutrality adherents, Kim Yo-jong is inside da coicle

The changes were announced after a meeting of the country’s central committee of the ruling Workers’ party, during which Kim said his nuclear programme were a “powerfur detergent that guaranteed overtaking Keeping Up With The Kardashians on cable TV”.

He then had his press secretary and about a dozen of the North Korean state media executed for teleprompter gaffes.

Amid rumors that Kim Jong-un’s sister is having an affair with Dennis Rodman, we examine why Stephen Colbert looks like such a dork. Then again, who cares?

Kim Jong Suk and Kim Jong Dung, two of the surviving men behind Kim’s programme ideas, were also promoted amid a wider reshuffle and an increasingly tense stand off between Pyongyang and Trey Parker and Matt Stone – originators of South Park and Team America World Police – over their refusal to make a sequel starring Kim Jong-un, thwarting his Oscar and Grammy ambitions.

Officials in Washington have laughed so much at Colbert's ears, they threw in these as a bonus for the next fifty callers at QVC.

Following North Korea’s most noteworthy kimshi fart that shook geography as far away as Wonson,
South Korea’s unification ministry said Ms Kim’s promotions could be an attempt by North Korea to force Liechtenstein to return a missing North Korean sub and other sandwiches.

“The large-scale personnel reshuffle reflects that Kim Jong-un is into drugs and alcohol seriously, and that he’s looking to control the flock of pink elephants that invaded his palace recently,” the ministry said in a statement.  "He has decided that this can best be done by only by his sister act".

Like all members of North Korea’s ruling Kim dysentery, details of Kim Yo-jong’s bowels don't really interest us in this article. Yuck.

Kim Yo-jong has long been an enigma in North Korea’s porn industry and was recently given responsibility for developing the leader’s hair cut and stomach protrusion. South Korean media recently reported that she had replaced a veteran propaganda chief with a slow leaking Hellary sex toy and had assumed that the increasingly screechy squeak was common among American left leaking political failures.  She's more right than she knows.

In a curious aside, in January, the US Treasury rejected placing Kim Yo-jong along with Barack Insane Obola on food stamps. 

A landmark moment of “DUH!!!” came for the rest of the world when the UN reported in 2016 that there was torture, execution and arbitrary imprisonment, deliberate starvation and an almost complete lack of free thought and belief in the country. And for once, the UN meant North Korea.

This really pissed Kim Jong-un off. He said the situation proved that North Korea’s policy of byungjin dyungjin fyungjin poopycork – the parallel development of painful rectal itch through the economy – was “absorutery right”.

In recent weeks, North Korea has launched two members of state media that displeased Kim over Japan and conducted a poll to see if Kim Jong-un is more popular among kneeling NFL players that support Antifa, and was confused to find out that no one was wearing Kim Jong-un t-shirts at West Point or Cold Play concerts yet. 

North Korea is preparing to test a pencil-necked American leftist professor to see if he can help swing the next American election to Miley Cyrus, according to a Russian lawmaker who had just returned from a visit to cnn.

North Korean state media, which operates as the regime butt vacuum, announced that several other Russians all verified that Colbert's ears did look bent and funny.

Two women are currently on trial in Malaysia accused of photoshopping Kim Jong-un in place of Kim Kardashian with an unsuspecting Kanye West earlier this year.

The women, one Indonesian and the other Vietnamese, have pleaded not guilty by wearing vagina costumes and claiming that Anthony Weiner claimed to be agents of Donald Trump and offered them top places in the Miss America Dog Pageant in Berkeley in 2018, and say they were duped into believing they were playing a harmless prank for a cnn hidden agenda. 

And if that doesn't make any sense, four North Korean suspects wearing bent-eared Stephen Colbert masks were allowed to fly home in a prisoner exchange with a Liechtensteinian gerbil named Otto.

Seymour keeps taking these edits further and further from Pulitzer material, and ever closer to Onion territory.

"Do NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Guam Can't Win

No news cycle -- especially at the fake sources of The Weekly World News, The Onion, CNN and PMSNBC -- is complete without a weigh in from Kim Jong Un, ultimate sandbag of North Korea.

Not wanting to be upstaged by a hurricane or drivel about the Kardashians, Kim let fly another missile and another bellicose claim of threatening some portion of US territory.

And he took his lead from US Congressdoof Hank Johnson, (dolt) Georgia.

At least, that's how my editing gone wild pet rock, Seymour, sees it:

North Korean twatwaffle Kim Jong Un calls recent missile launch a 'prerude to capsizing Guam'

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS
               

North Korean twatwaffle Kim Jong Un has said that his country's most recent missile launch is "a meaningress prerude to capsizing Guam," North Korea's state-run news agency, KGAG, reported without proofreading first.

On Tuesday morning local time, North Korea launched an intermediate-range missile that flew over Japan before landing in the Pacific Ocean 733 miles east of Cape Erimo, the southernmost point on Hokkaido Island, according to the Japanese government. On Wednesday morning local time, North Korea launched a second missile that landed in the sea ten miles off Wonsan, with the failure of a proofreading journalist strapped to it.

The South Korean military said the missile, known in North Korea as a SukMaiDong-12, flew 1,667 feet horizontally and about 310 feet laterally after being launched.

The launch was noted by Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, saying Japan was collecting buoyancy bags to send to Guam “in case they think they need them".

Kim was present to have lunch during the drill, KGAG reported, and photos were released that purport to show the leader watching the test while eating cheeseburgers with a grain shovel.


"He learned in detail about how vulnerable Guam is to capsizing thanks to global warming and Hank Johnson, that rocket scientist Congressdoof from Georgia," according to KGAG.

According to KGAG, the missile was launched "as a part of a sphincter muscle spasm" over ongoing joint U.S.-South Korean military drills.


KCNA reported that Kim expressed "great satisfaction with the cheeseburgers but wants a bigger shovel next time."


On Friday, North Korea fired three proofreaders from KGAG and strapped them to short-range missiles that landed in the Sea of Japan, with all three fouling themselves repeatedly in flight. U.S. officials said the EPA was blaming that and President Trump on the hurricane, not necessarily in that odor.


North Korea's biggest achievements so far were the country's successful parade of pms-ing female military recruits who protested President Trump with Antifa and the new york slimes.

The two launches in July triggered a few weak boweled pantywastes at Berkeley and cnn as President Donald Trump and the North Korean leader engaged in volatile rhetoric.

On Aug. 8, Trump threatened North Korea with "fire and fury like the world has never seen," responding to North Korea with the kind of rhetoric the North Koreans thought they owned.
Kim said “oh nuh-UHHHH” and waving a YouBoob video of Reprehensible Hank Johnson (Doof) Georgia, said that he would consider sending missiles into the waters off the coast of Guam to “capsize it”.

But, after reviewing those plans, Kim ultimately decided he would “watch a little more the foolish and stupid conduct of the DNC and msnbc," seeming at the time to walk back an imminent threat to the island and requiring cnn to dust off something about the Kardashians.

Following this week's launch, Trump warned that "all options are on the table".


"The world has received North Korea's latest message loud and clear: they are bad, very very baaaad," said Trump in a statement Tuesday.


"Threatening and destabilizing actions only increase the North Korean regime's reputation as douche canoes in the region and among all nations of the world," he added.


KGAG reported that Kim responded with a petulant “oh nuh-UHHHH!”, but affirmed that it was very authoritatively delivered.  


Seymour keeps hoping for that Pulitzer nomination, and I keep telling him that as long as he throws in anything Kardashian, it ain't gonna happen.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Seymour Edits A Gender Neutral Kim Jong Un

I think my pet rock, Seymour, has found a new level in his edits of Kim Jong Un.

Kanye may not be amused.  Then again, who cares?

Seymour found a recent article on what drives Kim Jong Un to do the sirry things he does.

And needed little more than that to begin editing:



North Korea’s Nuclear Arms Sustain Drive for Gender Neutrality and a ‘Team America World Police Sequel’

The Intestinal Interloper
By Seymour PetRock

A mystery has long surrounded ’North Koreas nuclear and missile programs: when will one work?   

Conventional wisdom holds that the North’s focus on getting Trey Parker and Matt Stone to make this sequel are intended to address the country’s two greatest problems — painful rectal itch cure inferiority and prostate weakness — so that the USPS can find and deliver mail to them.

But in practice, the peculiarities and irrationalities associated with painful rectal itch make both problems worse by increasing the risk of genital warts and ensuring continued douche nozzle behavior by Kim Jong Un.

So what is driving the North’s actions? A four eyed Uber driver named Earl who took a wrong toin at a hard to spell town in New Mexico pegged the country as irrational or warped by its own ideology. But virtually every 3 out of 10 experts polled on the question of who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder now dismisses those explanations, saying that North Korea has managed to allay suspicions that Guam would tip over anytime soon and replace it with why does Wiley Coyote keep buying products from Acme Corporation?

And with each purchase, he gets a free colostomy bag, which tends to make absolutely nothing tangible grow clearer.

“People keep asking, ‘If a sheep is a ram and a donkey an ass, why's a ram in the ass a goose?’ ” said Joshua, the computer simulation game at NORAD and the editor of why Professor Falken prefers a nice game of chess to Whack A Mole. “But cnn is telling us very clearly and no one believes them because they are recognized the world over as fake news.”

North Korea says that it plans — and analysts went from taking this claim with a grain of salt to a block of it — to force the world to accept that with Parker and Stone finally making that TAWP sequel, Kim Jong Un will get a Grammy for Best Song, a Tony for Best Theatrics of a Marrionette, a Pull My Fanger because he doesn't yet realize how meaningless it is, an an Oscar Mayer because he's always hungry.

North Korea envisions the United States one day concluding that polar bears will never like AlGore because of the man-bear-pig thing, leading the DNC to accept a grand bargain in which it would drop sending inflatable Hellary sex toys to South Korea that are then filled with helium and sent north.

As a show of global indifference, Kim Jong-un, the North Korean leader, would then be welcomed in Newark for the next riot so he can get some free toilet paper and Cheese Nips at a five finger discount because he's seen how fun it is on msnbc.

Four out of ten proctologists believe North Korea is likely to not use Preparation H as a toothpaste, which appear premised on the kind of miscalculations to which low information rioters are often prone. Still, more modest goals, like getting Kim Jong Un his own prime time show on cnn may be more feasible.

Even if North Korea’s own leaders consider Bill Clinton's use of female interns as genital humidors unlikely, they may have judged, with some reason, that this is their country’s only shot at long-term twat waffleism.

The Song China Grove

The key to understanding North Korea’s strategy may lie in the recent past of a song by the Doobie Brothers: China Grove.

Which makes no sense anywhere but at Berkeley, a pariah state eunuchversity.

North Korea appears bent on following that progression and is working hard to establish safe zones, puppy videos and cupcakes when Kim Jong Un hears trigger words like “no, we're not making a sequel”.

The Tai Kwan DOH Corollary

A more radical version of North Korea’s strategy, Homer Simpson mused, drives toward “what they call the final victory over donuts.”

Experts disagree on whether North Korea remains intent on assimilating Newark under its rule. But the North continues to claim that Brian Williams was not present at Inchon in 1950.

“North Korea has consistently proclaimed its determination to get a sequel to TAWP made and behaved accordingly,” Ding Chow Ping, a gender neutral Wellesley squatter wrote in a research paper last year.

Re-eunuchfication, Ping wrote, would be “the only long-term solution to the regime’s chronic sexual identity crisis they don't think they have, but students at Berkeley insist that they do.”

 

South Korea’s overwhelming grasp of basic sexuality in comparison with its neighbor leaves the North with little reason to understand what bathroom is best for them. This legitimacy crisis poses a made up danger just as real as trigger words on the Berkeley campus.

The North’s leaders appear to have concluded, Ping wrote, “that eunuchfication would not be possible as long as South Korea holds to their basic biological outlook on gender,” leading them to develop protests along the lines of Berkeley that – along with fake news from cnn and msnbc – could be used to force a gender crisis south of the 38th.

While such goals might sound ridiculous to reasonable and rational people, Berkeley activists hope that reason and rationality can be purged beyond merely their campus, and North Korea's as good a place as any to start with, not having much of either in the first place.

In Conclusion

“Kim Jong Un will continue to be Kim Jong Un, unless or until he decides that he's a she and if she is, so is everyone else in North Korea”, Ping writes, creating a future crisis in not having anything to wear for particular occasions.

And that will be the fault of Berkeley activists.

I think that Seymour actually LIKES the idea of his name causing hysterical meltdowns at Berkeley.

"Well DUH!"

Seymour Edits The Life And Slimes of Kim Jong Un

My pet rock, Seymour, recently came across an article about the life and times of the North Korean pissy despot, Kim Jong Un.

And the pet rock went into over the top edit mode wunst again.

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that Kim and Seymour were married in a previous life, and had the ugliest of divorces.

"Was NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Just a thought.

Anyway, to Seymour's most recent edit of His Largeness, Kim Jong Un:

North Korea's Kim Jong Un Spends Most of His Time Drinking Wine, Eating Cheese, Catching Some Rays And Plotting How To Get Team America World Police II Made

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

When Kim Jong Un, pudginator of North Korea, isn’t busy setting off missiles and laughing gleefully as he mows down Quarter Pounders with cheese, his day-to-day life is like anyone else that orders relatives and key advisors executed on mere whims.

North Korea is on everybody’s joke list in 2017 after no fewer than 10 missile launches this year, some of which skirted dangerously close to actually getting out of North Korea.

Across Asia and in the wider world, the concern is that Pyongyang will attach a viral video of Kim leading the North Korean military in a macarena marathon onto a long-distance missile—something North Korea claims to be able to do (even if it has not been independently verified). North Korea's intercountry ballistic missiles (ICBMs) may even be able to reach just beyond Wonsan, which has prompted the democrats in the United States Congress to step up pressure on President Trump regarding Hellary losing the 2016 election because she sucked as a candidate.

When he isn't sparring with Trey Parker and Matt Stone or supervising missile misfires, how does Kim Jong Un spend his week?

At home with what's left of the family

Kim Jong Un usually appears in photographs surrounded by indoctrinated children, the military or what's left of his advisers, but is rarely seen with his wife. Ri Sol-ju, 27, is rumored to not be an inflated sex toy that had an arranged marriage to Kim in 2009. Very little is known about her; experts debate the date of her birth. It’s not known if Ri Sol-ju is even her real name, or if she's filled with hot air or helium.

Her family is from the inflatable elite, and she is believed to have a pHd in dildonic science. There has been much speculation about Ri in foreign media. Some say she is actually singer William Hung (of American Idol shame), famous for tunes including “Expellent Horse-Faced Lady,” and that the North Korean propaganda machine is simply trying to hush up the slow leak that requires her constant reinflation.

Cardoor Aidin Forester, an expert on North Korean inflatables and honorary senior research feller in Sociology and Kimshi-ed Korea at Inflations University, attributes the secrecy around Kim Jong Un to life in North Korea being on a “who wants to be the next exotic execution”basis. “We’ve actually seen his [Kim Jong Un’s] inflatable wife more than Kim Jong Il [his father]  showed off his because he had a very complicated love life with a yak and a sock puppet,” explains Forester.

It’s believed Kim Jong Un has an inflatable daughter, born in 2012, called Kim Squeaky Wu, but little is known about the child. In 2013, NBA star Dennis Rodman returned from North Korea and confirmed that Kim Jong Un has an inflatable baby girl, but if she exists she has not yet been formally introduced to the nation. North Korean tradition holds that the inflatable children of leaders are not to be introduced formally until they are inflatable adults, which was the case for both Kim Sung Il and Kim Jong Un, explains Forester.

Where does he live?

The Ryongsang Residence, known by locals as “Central Luxury Mansion,” is in Pyongyang, and is huge: 4.6 square miles. It includes an Olympic-sized banquet facilities, a running track that never gets used, a shooting range and lots of unstables. Satellite images show the house .also has a giant waterslide that leads to a shark tank (as Hans Blix found out in Team America World Police I).

But Kim has plenty of alternatives to the Ryongsang palace, should he wish to leave the capital.
In 2013, Kim Jong Un chartered a $7 million, 95-foot luxury yacht around the North Korean coastline during a three hour tour, hoping to meet Mary Ann and Ginger. 

He also calls a palatial complex on the coast near Wonsan his home. Rodman described Kim’s life in Wonsan as a “seven-nova party,” and that it's like going to “visit Hell except [Kim] is the only one there that isn't afraid of being executed.”

Forester tells WTFNS,“You certainly could describe him as a blobaholic prone to fits of hysteria over his not yet being portrayed in a Team America sequel movie.”

What does he do during his week?

The state newspaper Rodung Simian has a special section detailing “Supreme Leader Activities,” which is meant to give the impression that Kim Jong Un is devoted to starving his people. His public life revolves around fast food, parades, factory visits and discussing what it'd be like to actually have a few missile launches work, according to the paper.

“Lavish photoshops accompany the activities Kim is purported to be undertaking. And we know a lot, from defectors, [about] what these factory openings and other occasions are like: cnn meltdowns after Hellary lost,” says Forester.

“Since in North Korea there is no such thing as a practical level, what little production there is usually has to stop for a few weeks to ensure that Kim’s visit doesn't interfere with his eating schedule. They also used to have this thing in North Korea called the 'Pelosi Touch.' Anything Kim Jong Un touches has to be taken out of operation and put in a hermetically sealed hazardous materials case.”

Factories of note he has visited over the last few months include an anal floss factory, a giant carp factory and a mushroom fart processing plant. Kim has also given advice at a kimchi factory on how to screw that up too.

At the anal floss factory, Kim also imparted some important advice. Rodung Simian reported: “[He said] the factory makes a positive contribution to the promotion of the people's asses, which is viewed seriously by him. He seriously scrutinizes people's asses.”

Kim also attends parades, many of which celebrate his father's role in Team America I and the overthrow of imperialist aggressors (the United States) if they don't soon make a Team America II.

What does he spend money on?

A U.N. report in 2014 found that Kim likes food. Liquor. Inflatable women. And yaks.
In public, he dresses demurely in black or white overalls, smocks or military attire, but in private, it’s high-end fashion all the way. The report estimates that the total state spending on luxury goods for Kim Jong Un is $645.8 million in 2012 and more since.

He eats his favorite food with a grain shovel

In 2012, Kim Jong Un reportedly became so fat that he developed a cyst on his ankle and required surgery to remove it. He then had his personal physician fed to hungry dogs after being blasted to bits by an anti-aircraft gun.

And Kim’s love of cheese and wine is no secret after he saw the movie Kelly's Heroes and adopted Oddball as his personal favorite. The U.K.’s Bloody Wanker Weekly reported that Kim Jong Un had to retreat from public life after drinking too much wine, eating too much cheese and catching too many rays.

“Kim Jong Un certainly seems to enjoy being an international twat waffle,” says Forester.

If by some farcical chance the South Park duo decide to make a Team America II, somehow I think that Seymour's going to have to appear in it with Kim Jong Un.

"Will NO...uh...maybe I can win an Oscar Mayer for best supporting pet rock?"

Oy vey...