Hooking For Scams

Talk about one made for democraps.

Granted, the scammer didn't intend for it to go this way.  I left that to my pet rock, Seymour.

My online character got offered another "job" online by scammers seeking easy meat.

Here was the latest ploy:

This Project is about the construction of storage farms for sales and exportation of Aviation Kerosene Colonial Grade Jet Fuel A1, JP54 and Marine Diesel into the North America markets. EMi Group secured venture capital in excess of $820 million for the construction of Jet A-1 aviation fuel storage farm in the USA.EMi oil is a crude oil, refining and petroleum product subsidy company within the EMi Group, with emphasis on Aviation fuel (Jet A, A-1 and JP54) and Marine diesel. With an extensive customer base in North America, our objective is to combine the strength of a regional partner to better manage our vast business and distribution network. EMi Group host all the modern machinery and equipment that exist in the field of drilling and platform construction, with expert guidance and team. In addition, “EMi Equipment Inc” successfully runs rental and sales of these heavy equipment under our partners brand name: 'American Investment Management - AIM Company. 

We are excited to seek your services as our company representative to manage our business regionally, i.e. outside Japan.

This Part-Time position will require you to discuss with our partners AIM Company and assume the managerial role with full responsibility for all company related work including crude oil storage and petroleum product distribution, equipment sales, and or lease. A self-allocated time less than 10-hours weekly is desired; hence you will be able to keep your current Job. 

We will review and subsequently produce a comprehensive representative draft contract between you and EMi Oil and an offer of employment once we receive your application. 

Once I receive your interest, I will notify the same to all my investors that EMi Oil will be having an internal (Locally based) company representative who will manage our company's business in your region.

1.       JOB DESCRIPTION

Sole duty will be in business representation and management.

2.      Payment to Consultant

A-         Retainer-The Company shall pay a monthly retainer of $8,000 by bank cheque on the first anniversary business day of each calendar month during the term of this Agreement. 

B-         The Company acknowledges and understands that it may be required to pay additional transaction fees in connection with any offerings, underwritings or financings to the appropriate and/or funding entity in addition to any fees paid to the Consultant.  EMiagrees  to reimburse the Consultant for all out of pocket costs related to the performance of the services. 

All fees, including local tax will be handled by us. Details of your personal or co-operate accounts are not needed in this Job.  

On behalf of EMi Oil Company, Ltd. (EOC)., Please accept my heartfelt welcome and delight having you on the team, we will be sending an employment letter once your online application is received. 

Respectfully,
Abe Natsuki

President & CEO

EMi Oil Company, Ltd. (EOC LTD).  

 

 

My pet rock was only too glad to take this one on, and in a manner I was not expecting:

 

 

Eh...sounds boring.  Do I get hookers?  

 

It quickly became apparent that the scammer wasn't expecting this either:

 

 

you cannot be serious.  we are not about that.  Please re-read our last?  

 

 

I'll take the job if I get hookers. 

 

 

that is not our business.  Do you want our job or not?

 

 

Of course it is.  The only difference between you and hookers is price and what results (and the pet rock included the below photo with the reply).  

 

you are not hired for us.  Stop writing.

 

 

If your hookers look like that last one, I'm very glad of that.

 

I gotta hand it to Seymour...a true ladies' rock iffen ever there wuz.

 

"Uh....not sure if I should PHFFFFFFFFFFT that or not..".

Online Job Scam Deflates On Edit

The scammer wasn't ready for this.  Or anything else that followed or swallowed.

Ack.

Some idiot purporting to be a Mike Murdock has been emailing scam attempts of all sorts of angles for 2-3 years now.  I've certainly seen my share of them.

And like Al, they all suck.

Here's the purported Murdock's latest gambit:


Li & Fung Limited (Chinese: ??????) is a global trading group, based in HongKong, that supplies high-volume, time-sensitive consumer goods. Garments  make up around two-thirds of the Li & Fung business which also covers the sourcing of hard goods such as fashion accessories, furnishings, gifts,  handicrafts, home products, promotional merchandise, toys, sporting goods and travel goods.

As a supply chain manager across many producers and countries, Li &Fung provides
product design and development, raw material and factory sourcing, production
planning and management, quality assurance and export documentation to shipping
consolidation.

We need a company representative that will be helping us to secure payments from
our customers in your country, You will be receiving check or cash payments from
our customers and adhere to company instructions. You will be paid 4,120 dollars
monthly with other company benefits after 3 months of work confirmation. It
doesn't matter if you working right now because this job will only takes you 2
hours per week.  Kindly get back to us with the required information to get
started. 


Like everything else from the purported Mr. Murdock, a rickshaw load of rice paddy 'night soil'.

It takes a bit of a different look, however, when edited just a tad:

From: Lie & Phuk UnLimited <test@erskineevents.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 31, 2017 10:23 PM
Subject: OFFER OR ONNER

 

Li & Fung Limited (Chinese: ??????) is a global trading group, based in HongKong. 

We're not them. 

We are Lie & Phuk Unlimited, a neighborhood smut shop, also based in Hong Kong, but we intend to go global with your help.

The former specialize in selling sh*t like high-volume time-sensitive consumer goods. Garments
make up around two-thirds of the Li & Fung business which also covers the sourcing of hard goods such as fashion accessories, furnishings, gifts, handicrafts, home products, promotional merchandise, toys, sporting goods and travel goods.

Here at Lie & Phuk Unlimited, we specialize in dildos and inflatable sex toys that replicate

people.  We're still running a 105% off on our Hellary Clinton collection, since she didn't

win and only a small yak herd imported from Siberia seems to have much interest in

mounting an inflatable version of her. 

 

 

And our Nancy Bela Pelosi collection only seems to generate sales at haunted houses in October.

As a supply chain manager across many producers and countries, Li &Fung provides
product design and development, raw material and factory sourcing, production
planning and management, quality assurance and export documentation to shipping
consolidation.

Lie & Phuk Unlimited spends as little as possible on materials and sh*t like that.  We're

all about profit, baby.  We need a company representative that will be helping us to

expand our operations from the neighborhood to a global reach.  We'll even market

our crap to nearby planets, so long as they come git what we got.

If you agree to work for us at Lie & Phuk, we'll live down to our name by promising

to receive to you a check or cash payments from our customers and adhere to

company instructions. You will be paid 4,120 dollars monthly with other company

benefits after 3 months of work confirmation.

But you have to work like a broke dick dawg for the first three months before you

get anything.  Kindly get back to us with the required information to get shafted..er..
started.


Name:________Last name:_________________

Physical Address: _____________City:_________________

State:___________Zip code:________________________

Country: ________________Cell Phone Number:__________

Age:___________Nationality_______________________

Marital Status:_______________Sex:_________________

Occupation:_________________
What are you wearing:__________________ Is It See-Thru:_________________

*Please make sure you telephone # has a really kinky message on it -- I will need to call
you when everything is in place and kinky voice mail helps me get off.

*If you are interested please e mail the application form to me for approval VIA email below.

Email: abbeybakcustomercare@lizhenhua.net

Mike Murdock (still trying to get this scam to work from two-three years ago..meh)

The purported Murdock usually ignores me when one of my characters does this to his offer to give me the business; this time he simply couldn't hep hisself:


what is wrong with you???  


Burrito farts.  What's wrong with you???  


That was apparently all the repartee the purported Murdock had time for.  Guess he doesn't like burrito farts.


 

---

More Online Job Scams And The Resume To End All

Not having a job sucks.  At least to those of us that understand the value of work.

Then there are welfare cheats, liberals, millennial cupcakes...and online scammers.

Online scammers like to use the scam of representing an online employer with an offer one can't refuse.

This one can, but I digress.

Here's a badly played scam:

Jaka Construction Company Canada. 

Email id: jakarecruitmenthelpdesk@hotmail.com

 

ATTN: Applicant,                                                 

You are hereby notified that your qualifications and experiences which you submitted at a job finding site were found suitable for the requirements of Jaka Construction Company Canada. For verification and screening you are to submit your updated Resume/CV copy as soon as possible. to our email below for job consideration Email id jakarecruitmenthelpdesk@hotmail.com

 

Your Swift response give you a chance to secure a job with this noble company. 

Yours Faithfully.  

 

 

Neither I nor my character had submitted anything to a job finding site.  But that's okay; they're soliciting a resume, and a resume they gonna git: 

 

Here's the resume you requested.

Jack N Ewehoff

Resume 

OBJECTIVE:  to get someone to support me in a manure to which I am totally unaccustomed and highly unworthy of, but am willing to adapt to, 'cuz it beats working for a living.  Besides, I need SOMEONE to pay me, so'z I can keep sending my pet rock to all kinds of exotic locations (where such locations are reachable by UPS; cruise missiles and military strike drones are rather abrupt and unilateral).

 

EXPERIENCE:  extensive.  Not useful, but extensive.

 

WORK HISTORY:

2012-Current   Danged if someone don' think I'm a good employee.  Long as I can keep 'em fooled, awesome.

2011-2012   Dun a couple thangs h'yar and thar.  Since I'm no longer thar but h'yar -- see previous -- the thars were best left along a road side ditch in Arkansas.

1996-2011   A few times during that time frame, they actually wangled a full days' worth out of me.  I was getting better at avoiding that, just when phffffffft , the gravy train derailed.  I was lucky to survive the dog stampede in the aftermath.

 

2000-Current   To avoid having to get a life, I scambaited online email scammers who contacted me, which I made easy for 'em cuz I planted my email addresses in likely locations the scammers harvest for suckers.  To date, I have successfully baited over 1,500 (est) scammers in that time, and been promised approximately $5.6 billion USD along the way.  To date, I have actually collected, in actual money, the equivalent of 1/100,000th of a snail's spit.  But on paper, I be like Bernie Madoff, without the federally-funded digs and sucky jump suits.

 

1995-2009   I also chased tornadic thunderstorms, driving thousands of miles, coping with all sorts of weather of dubious meterocedence and worse intent, taking bookoo pictures...and getting not much for it, but mileage on de cahr, and branded as 'nuts' by those who think they know me.  They're getting righter every year.

 

1992-1996   I did a variety of things, almost none of which was productive, like fer instance:

• I worked in a quality control job in an ordnance factory, quality inspecting 81mm mortar rounds.  Until they saw how I was testing them, that is.  But it's okay...I'm completely healed, and insurance handled the rest.
• I was hijacked by a UFO, taken away to a far away planet, and forced to appear on an alien talk show...I think it was Jerry Riveratoid.  I got sent back because I farted during the show, which, in that environment, was akin to a WMD.  I think the axis of their orbit was affected, too.
• I had my non-existent company, Bonco, UnInc., make up a whole slew of products for people to buy that will never work.  Kinda like Ronco and K-Tel.  But Bonco's still around.  Neener.
• I received federal grant money to prove that the wiggliing of my ears doesn't cause global warming.  It was revoked when I caused a magnetic anomaly that sent the USS Nimitz briefly back to 1941, where it almost screwed up history.  My bad.
• Though, in 2010, wiggling my ears on February 2, caused Punxsutawny Phil to misforecast the end of winter.  He got blamed.  I'm still getting groundhog hate mail.

EDUCATION:

• A BS, masters and a pHd in crustaceanology from the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  Which I used to bait a subscription scammer in '05, Madison's Who's Who.  Even they had to laugh when they figgered it out.
• An Associate Degree in Administration of Justice from a local community college; what a waste.  I liked donuts without the damned degree.
• One afternoon out behind the wood shed with Mary Lou, where I learned that cooties wuz a myth.  And I also learned somethin' else:  I had sub Olympic-quality sprint speed, outrunning her daddy's 12 gauge rock salt protest...
• And what I learnt at a young age about electricity, conductivity, and YOWZA, all from being talked into peeing on an electric fence...*woo*

REFERENCES:

 

Furnished upon request; I'll need time to collect a few of the scammer emails to use as references.  Folks who know me never admit it when they're sober.  

 

 

 I expect this to get me ten thousand times as many scam job offers as it gets me real ones...

Online Job Scams -- The Love Boat It Ain't

My character got an online job offer from Princess Cruise Lines Australia.

Uh huh.

The "cruise line" -- with emphasis unknowingly on "line" -- needs gullible people to think they're getting a really cushy job down under.

And when they pay the processing fees, they find themselves SS Minnowed.

My pet rock, Seymour -- who claims to have spent time as ballast on the Nina, the Pinta or the Stinky -- thought he had the perfect edit for this scam job email.  Perhaps Captain Bligh will agree.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

Uh...that wasn't the Captain or Tennille.  At any rate, here's the job "offer" as received:

Princess Cruise Line Australia Office

393 Gympie Road Kedron

4031 WA 6007 Australia 

 

Website: www.princess.com.au   

 

JOB ID: PCL /AU /00445-16

 

Mail your CV TO (c) Princesscruisejobapplication@yandex.com       

Complements of the season; We want to inform you that we are hiring candidates to fill the available positions in our company Princess Cruise Line [Gympie Road Kedron QLD WA 393 Australia]

It’s Princess Cruise Line policy not to discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of RACE, COLOR, RELIGION, SEX, NATIONAL ORIGIN, AGE, DISABILITY, MARITAL OR VETERAN STATUS.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS:
1. Accommodation                Provided by company
2. Ticket to Australia           Provided by company (Including during Vacation)
3. Medical                              provided by company.
4. Transportation                 provided by company.
5. Working hours                  8a.m----5p.m [Mon--Fri]
6. Vacation                            60 days every year
7. Salary                                 USD $25 per hour (USD $5700 Per Month)
8. Contract                             6 months, 1 year & 2 years
9. Extra time                         USD $31 per hour
10. Insurance and Pension   According to Australia Labour laws

the management will secure a visa/working permit for any qualified applicant. VISA FEE, ACCOMMODATION & FLIGHT TICKET will be paid by the company

 

Do you have a dream working in Australia? We have more than 220 different positions available, Junior Auditor, Accountant, Controller, Computerized Accounting, Staff Accountant, Salon Manager, Assistant Salon Manager, Beautician, Hair Stylist, Message Therapist, Aerobic and Fitness Instructors, Casino Manager, Assistant Casino Manager, Casino Dealer, Minister, Rabbi, Cruise Staff, Gentlemen Dance Host, Youth Activities Coordinator, Fitness Instructor, Hostess, Administrative Assistant, Safety Officer, Security Personnel, Radio Officer ,Deck Utility man, Deck Hand, Deck Cadet, Chief Engineer, Staff Chief Engineer, First Engineer, Second Engineer, Third Engineer, Junior Third Engineer, Hotel Service Engineer, Chief Electrical Engineer

Electrical Engineer, Electronic Engineer, Electronic Engineer Junior, Engine Storekeeper, (Engine Utility Man) Guest Entertainer, Production Manager, Food and Beverage, Assistant Food and Beverage Director, Restaurant Manager, Head Waiter Waitress, Jr. Waiter, Dining Room Manager, Dining room Waiter Waitress, Dining room Buffet Man, Restaurant Hostess, Bar Manager, Assistant Bar Manager, Bar Supervisor, Assistant Bar Supervisor, Bar Accountant, Bar Waiter Waitress, Bartender, Bar Steward & Stewardess, Snack Steward Stewardess, Bar Utility, Bar Boy, Buffet Steward & Stewardess, Gift Shop Manager, Assistant Shop Manager, Retail Sales Person, Florist Computer Technician, Junior Assistant Purser, Crew Purser, Assistance Crew Purser, Receptionist, Guest Service Coordinator, Guest Service Associate, Hotel Assistant, Housekeeper, Floor Supervisor, Head Room Steward, Cabin Steward Stewardess, Assistant Cabin Steward Stewardess, Bell Boy, Utility Cleaner, Human Resources Manager, Training and Development Manager, Crew Staff Administration, Crew Staff Administration Assistant, Shipboard information Systems Manager, Coordinator Computer Desktop Applications, Computer Accounting Applications, Computer Maintenance, Computer Applications, Computer System Hardware Technician, Computer System Administration Manager, Internet Manager, Chief Doctor, Crew Doctor, Nurse Practitioner, Chief Nurse, Nurse Photo Manager, Assistant Photo Manager, Photographer, Junior Photographer.

 

In other to be considered for any of the positions, we need the following from you:

 

1.    Cover letter (1 page maximum).

 

2.    Curriculum Vitae (Resume).

 

3.    Certificate and reference letters.

 

4.    Available date.

 

5.      Passport or National Id number.

 

6.      Position applying for. 

 

Thanks & Regards

 

Management                 

Princess Cruise Line

Email:  Princesscruisejobapplication@yandex.com  

Princess Cruise Line Australia

Needless to say, that ain't what it resembled when it went back to the prospective "employers":


From: cruisemarmotbarsoffer@daum.net on behalf of Cruise Bestiality Lines Info
Sent: Sunday, December 25, 2016 3:36 PM
To: Princesscruiselineapplication@yandex.com
Subject: Tom Cruise Admits Slyentoxity is Scam Job Vacancy

Jester Cruise Line Australia Office 393 Barbie Getting Shrimped Road Kedron 4031 WA 6007 Australia Website: www.wankerposeidonedonus.arg JOB ID: PCL /WTF /00445-16 Mail your cockamamie app TO (c) Princesscruisejobapplication@yandex.com Complements of the season; this season our complement is what's a bloody wog like you doing applying in a whacking great cockup like this? We want to inform you and anything that looks like you that we are soliciting candidates to fill the available positions in our fauxcompany Jester Cruise Line [Barbie Getting Shrimped Road Kedron QLD WA 393 Australia] It’s Jester Cruise Line policy to discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of about any ruddy reason we bloody well make up, wanker. TERMS AND CONDITIONS: 1. Accommodation We're a f**king cruise line, not a landlord, Douche Canoe 2. Ticket to Australia Provided by the makers of Phfffft Asure and The Kardashian Tampon Mouth Insert (Including during bowel eVacation) 3. Medical provided by a cross eyed, six fingered vet that failed colostomy 101 4. Transportation provided by the 2018 Liechtensteinian Goat Rowing Team 5. Working hours Nothing here has worked since 1947...but we keep working on that 6. Vacation All the time...it just ain't paid 7. Celery by the stalk, and you don't even have to pick it the first year 8. Contract whatever diseases are about at assordid ports of crawl, when Somalian pilates aren't yo ho hoing our f**king boats 9. Extra time if your watch has it, we'll take it from you and give it to others less timely; that's ruddy socialism, wanker 10. Insurance and Pension you'll probably need the former; WTF regarding the latter   the mismanagement will secure a place in the hysterectomy books, and little else. Do you have a dream working in Australia? We have more than 220 different ways to make it a ruddy bloomin' nightmare.   The following positions do not exist in our company: (just recall the previous list from the original)      You can, however, be considered for the position of Wanker First Class. Them we can never get enough of. Oh: and to the wench what lost the American election, we revoke our pay to play donation.   In other to be considered for any of the positions, we need the following from you or a North Dakotan douche nozzle that looks like you:   1. What Positions Can You Assume (bend over, etc) 2. Curriculum Ack Phooey (Resume) 3. Certified F**k Story with somewhat literate reference letters (we're partial to "A" "S" "H" "O" "L" "E") 4. Available date (we have a couple 'roos that are lonely) 5. Passport or other brand of scotch 6. Position most frequently assumed (include pictures if anatomically possible)   Thanks & Piss Up A Rope Mismanagement Jester Cruise Line Email: Princesscruisejobapplication@yandex.com Jester Cruise Line Australia "You want to go to sea with us? You MUST be joking!"

My pet rock had momentary delusions of sailing the seven seas as a celebrated passenger and not as ballast; alas, after that edit, he'd be lucky to draw a ballast assignment.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!"

Okay, maybe as a motor mate 2nd.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

Online Reprehensibles

Yes, there's a reason that Philip is pictured here, farting on Terrence.

If you've ever seen South Park, you know this dubious animated duo.  They -- and one of their antagonists from Canada -- have found their way into an scammer email edit.

First, the scam ploy:

Capital Resources, Introduce a position of the manager(Representative) for the payment from the customers  and other financial means.We needs a book-keeper in these areas (United States and Canada), so we want to know if you  will like to work online from home and get paid without leaving or it affecting your present job?.

The company deals in the sale of Chippendale, Hepplewhite, Lutyens and Rennie Mackintosh, and are ideally suited to most forms of upholstered furniture, antique, classical and contemporary design exhibition.Capital resources has established an enviable reputation for manufacturing tradition of horsehair weaving and we have clients we supply weekly in the United States and Canada.

We have been receiving orders from United States and Canada,Which we have not been able to process competently and  completely since we do not have a payment receiving personnel in these Areas. We have decided to recruit payment  officers online hence we will be needing a representative/Bookkeeper to process our payments in these areas - due to delays in  processing payments from these areas in outside US.

WHAT WE OFFER: Two hours/day.

WORK AT HOME: Checking e-mail and going to the bank.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS: No selling involved, no kit to buy,we won't charge you anything.

PAYMENT: Minimum of $2,000/$3,000 per transaction handled,plus $2 per day for checking your emails  daily and also the total amount you make in a month depends on our business transaction with our clients will determine how often you receive payments from out Clients,which  can be twice a week or more so you will get  10% of every Transaction is your payment

MORE EXPLANATION ABOUT THE JOB: If you receive payment weekly  from our clients/costumers in the  USA,payment will strictly be transferred to your bank and then take 10% from it, and then You will forward rest of the fund as you will be instructed in the nearest future to business associates.

All the cost for the transfer of the money to any of our clients/customers information would be,shall also be deducted from the total funds left with you after you have deducted your Commission  which is 10% of the amount received and then you send the remainder of the funds as you shall be instructed.

WHAT WE ASK: Two free hours daily not including weekends, Internet access for sending and receiving e-mails,available .

IMPORTANT: You must be over 19 years of age, U.S,CANADIAN CITIZENSHIP AND ALSO WE WELCOME OTHER  CITIZENSHIP OUTSIDE THE TWO LISTED ABOVE, If you meet these conditions please contact me back by to receive a Representative Contract agreement. Please fill the form below ;

FIRST NAME_____________________    SURNAME_____________________

ADDRESS_____________________       CITY_____________________

STATE_____________________         ZIP CODE_____________________

COUNTRY_____________________       PHONE NUMBER(S)_____________________

GENDER_____________________        MARITAL STATUS_____________________

AGE_____________________           NATIONALITY_____________________

HAVE YOU DONE THIS BEFORE? IF YES WHAT WAS THE OUTCOME

Best Regards.

TIMOTHY BROWN.  

 

I'm sure that if you've "done" this before, the outcome was less than satisfactory.

 

Now it's time for email editing, my style:

 

 

Subject: REPREHENSIBLE HORK NEEDED

Capidull Racehorses Introgoose a position of the manure (Reprehensitive) for the porpoise of being bent over by this orifice.  We needs lots of sh*t -- including a better English translooting pogrom -- but for porpoises h'yar we needs a book-keeper in these areas (United States and Canada, where anyone named Scott is a dick), so we want to know if you  will like to think that you are work online from home and get paid with counterfeit checks. 

That okay dokay for you?
 

The company that we have fornicated here deals in the sale of Chippendung, Heppledouche, Flatus and Rapunzil Mackintwatwaffle lines of sh*t that we're rather pretty clueless about, but we are telled to say that we are ideally suited to most farms of upholsteined tipped cows.  Capidull Racehorses has established an unenviable reputation for f**king up the manufacturing tradition of horseass weaving and we have clitoris we supply weakly in the United States and Canada (where anyone named Scott is a dick).
 

We have been receiving odors from United States -- probably Cartman farting -- and Canada, where anyone named Scott is a dick.  We have not been able to process competently and  completely these odors because Canadian Scott is a dick. We have decided to repoot playmount  octopus online hence we will be needing a reprehensitive beak keeper to protest our playmounts in these areas - due to in Canada, Scott being a dick.

WHAT WE OFFER:  the penis of an angry piranha

OTHER LOWLIGHTS: No selling of sock puppet genitilia involved, no talking car named kit to buy, we won't charge you with anything but your local gendarme might.

PLAYMOUNT:  If you have a minimum you might get  $2 per day.  If you have a maximum, put her on a diet.

MORE EXPLANATION ABOUT THE JOB: If a three peckered goat gets loose in a ewe convent, are they being ram-a-lamb-a-dingdonged, or just standard sucky f**ky five bucks?

All the King's whore houses and all the King's dementia can never put Hellary's email server back together again, with or without the help of Canadian Scott the dick.

WHAT WE ASK: don't get into an email exchange with Scott the dick.

 

IMPORTANT: You must be living, breathing and able to walk and chew gum; you kinda sorta need to be U.S, or CANADIAN CITIZENSHIP (Scott the dick is not eligible) AND ALSO WE WELCOME OTHER  CITIZENSHIP OUTSIDE THE TWO LISTED ABOVE, especially if you are from Uranus; we despot want to open a blanch orifice there.  If you are from Uranus, please contact me back by to receive a Reprehensitive Consnacked aggrievement. Please pedophile the farm below:

FIRST NAME_____________________    SURNAME_____________________SURINAME__________________

ADDRESS_____________________       A PANTS SUIT___________________ CITY_____________________

STATE_____________________         ZIP CODE_____________________

COUNTRY_____________________       PHONE NUMBER(S)_____________________

GENDER YOU WUZ BORN_____________________    GENDER YOU NOW CLAIM_______________________   MARITAL STATUS_____________________

AGE_____________________           BATHROOMNALITY_____________________

HAVE YOU DONE THIS BEFORE? IF YES WHAT WAS THE OUTCOME OR BREATHED HARD?  IF NOT  WHY NOT?  IF NOT SURE, WTF?

Best Regards.

TIMOTHY BROWN.  

 

 

I think I pretty much nixed my opportunity at this job.  My pet rock, Seymour, thinks I enhanced my chances.  But we both agree that Canadian Scott is a dick.

nYacht So Fast

You'll note the photo of the leftist ship what capsized 'n stank on its own nonsense.

Now I have a scammer what's done pretty much the same thing.

From the "jobs online scam department" comes this latest effort to give me the business:

DON'T MISS OUR FIRST JOB OFFER OF THE YEAR.....IF INTERESTED APPLY ASAP. ‏        

 

From:	Ashley Mauricio (ashleymauricio2324@gmail.com)
Sent:	Sat 1/23/16 7:43 AM
To:	***************@hotmail.com

We are commercial and private yacht owners, we need workers urgently from Functions of difference departments. Please note that our job and lifestyle based on the sea during the working hours. The operation would be throughout the united states and it shall be a shifting or part time job for 3 days a week. Note, the job you would be doing for us in your area shall based on receiving mails, drop off letters, and receiving some little payment on behalf of our organization while we're away on the seashore. These payment would be coming inform of cashier's check or money orders from our clients all over the united states. Please these payment must be kept in a safe place until we return back from the Shore duty tours.

If interested reply with the information requested below as your resume details:

Full Name :
Full Address :
City :
State :
Zip Code :
Phone Cell :
Gender:
Age :
Email Address:

We are hoping to receive your details within two business days, after that the management would send you a letter of acceptance via (usps.com). You will find the weekly salary intend to pay from the letter and the rules and regulations of our industry, the location and the date of assumption of duty shall be included on the letter. You will act according to the instructions writing on the letter.

Sincerely,

Ashley Mauricio
Human Resources Manager
commercial and private yacht owners
ashleymauricio2324@gmail.com  

 

 

Naturally, my character what received this was only too happy to reply.  After all, yacht sales in Colorado are booming this time of year.

 

After having responded, I had a long wait for the "details" I was to receive -- and since my character requested them be sent to my actual address, I wanted very much to receive them.

 

But finally they showed up...a page and a half of "Mystery Shop" instructions, along with a cashiers check drawn on a local bank for $2780.99, made out to my character:

A check which was, from A to Z, counterfeit.

Naturally my character acknowledged receipt of the check and advised my 'employer' that the mystery shop assignment would be carried out the following Wednesday.

A day after the appointed one, my character sent the following email to my "employer":

As you instructed me, I cashed the check, keeping the portion you said that I was allotted, and took the remainder to two separate Money Gram outlets near me, for the purpose of secretly observing and reporting on their customer service, et al.

Here is my report:

Money Gram outlet #1:  ***** West Colfax Avenue, Lakewood CO  80215-3707, phone 303-***-****

Facility easily accessible.  Clean, orderly.  Moderate level of business.  Due to amount of traffic, I had to wait twice as long for service as it took me to fill out the Money Gram documentation.  Clerk was a bit hurried albeit it courteous.

The fee to send $1305 to the designated recipient in Seattle, WA --$25.59 -- was competitive with outlets using Western Union.

All in all, I would recommend this Money Gram outlet to friends, family and colleagues.


Money Gram outlet #2:  ***** S. Estes Street, Lakewood CO 80227-3117, phone 303-***-****

Facility a bit harder to find but accessible.  In a mixed residential/business neighborhood.  Not as clean but appeared orderly.  Less business volume than the first Money Gram.  It took me as long to fill out the documentation as it took the clerk to attend to me and answer my questions.  Clerk was neither pleasantly courteous or unpleasantly abrupt; very matter of fact.  The fee I was quoted to send $1305 to the designated recipient in Seattle, WA was again $25.59.

All in all, I would recommend  Money Gram outlet #1 over #2, unless one likes to deal in a lower volume venue.  Otherwise, there was no significant difference in the two outlets.

I eagerly await my next assignment. 

Jack  

*Jeopardy Theme whilst we wait*

Dear Jack,  This is Ashley from commercial and private yacht owners. Firstly I would like to commend you on a job well done, and to also inform you that we were not in the states since 2 weeks ago, we traveled on yacht trip to Caribbeans and we just got back this morning.

I got your report on the assignment you haven done on Feb 25 2016. Please I need the receipts you received from the two Money Gram outlets to be scan to my email here as soon as possible okay.

I will be waiting to receive the receipts as soon as possible and be expecting your new assignment on Monday March 7, 2016.

Sincerely Yours,

Ashley Mauricio
Human Resources Manager
commercial and private yacht ownersashleymauricio2324@gmail.com

The what?  

Jack, please listen to the following,

You sent money from this Money Gram outlet  on Feb 25 #1:  11599 West Colfax Avenue, Lakewood CO  80215-3707, phone 303-237-8643 Or Money Gram outlet #2:  2641 S. Estes Street, Lakewood CO 80227-3117, phone 303-989-1943, to our recipient in Seattle, WA,  right?.

Jack,  you sent $1305 to the designated recipient in Seattle, WA on Feb 25, 2016 via money gram outlet right?. I am very sure that the money gram outlet issued a receipt for you after the transaction right?. Now before the recipient in Seattle, WA could cash these amount of money you sent from money gram from any money gram outlet in Seattle, you have to send the eight digit number on the receipt to my email as well as the sender's name which they were both on the receipt that you received from the money gram outlet the day you sent this money $1305 out to the recipient in Seattle, WA.

Please understand that if any receipt haven't handed over to you that very moment you sent the money from the money gram outlet where you sent the sum of ($1305 ) from to the recipient in Seattle, that means you have to go back there probably today or very early tomorrow morning to collect the receipt and forward the information on that receipt to me immediately.

I hope you understand my point now with this explanation, get back to me as soon as possible thanks.

 I don't have to listen to the following because I was there, Ash.  After all, I wrote you the descriptions, right?   What is your specific question?  I think I mystery shopped both locations pretty thoroughly and reported it every bit as thoroughly. 


You mystery shopped in both locations, right? Fine. All what I am asking you to do now is to use your camera phone or tablet to snap and scan the documents you received the day you mystery shopped in both location to my email here. The best ways to scan a document is to use your phone or tablet ... More and more people are using the camera on their phone or tablet to scan documents to any designated recipient over the email. Please scan the documents now and send it over to my email here. 

Because our recipient in Seattle, WA, where you said you reported to denied that you did not thoroughly reported to them at all. That was why I said  If you have a camera phone camera phone or tablet to snap and scan the documents you can use it to snap and scan the documents you received from where you mystery shopped and send them over email to me. I want to show them that you did truly mystery shopped in both locations pretty thoroughly and reported it every bit as thoroughly as instructed to our recipient in Seattle, WA.

Or better still, check the documents you received from both locations where you mystery shopped and you will find eight digit numbers on both the documents given to you from money gram outlets and type the number and send them to my email in your next reply okay.

Use my camera phone to snap WHAT?  A picture of my pet rock?  I have no documents.  When I shopped the two Money Gram locations, I did just that.  I did not actually send any Money Grams; I merely observed how they operated with customers ahead of me and then asked them how they would process my transfer if I were to make it.  That is the information I sent you.  I still have the funds you sent me.  So what is my next assignment?

Dear Jack, 

First of all, I want to commend you for the kind of trustworthy person you are and for the job well done.  Please, this is what you will do next with the funds in your care. You will take the funds and go to the western union outlet close to your area today and send the money to the name and address below okay.

Receiver's Name:   JANE JOSEPH

Receiver's Address: 1, Samuel Manuwa Street, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria

Tell them to deduct the service charge fee from the funds you are sending out and send the rest to the name and address given above. After which you have done from the western union you will be giving an MTCN receipt for confirmation of sending money via their outlet okay. 

You will get back to me with the MTCN receipt by using your phone or tablet to snap the receipt and scan it to my email here. Please make sure you send the money to the Jane Joseph today. Be expecting another assignment next week Monday okay.

I will be waiting to receive the receipts as soon as possible and be expecting your new assignment on Monday March 7, 2016.  

 

 

If I am to understood you correctly, you wish me to send the combined $2610 via Western Union?  And not to the person in Seattle?  Do you wish a 'mystery shop' write up on the Western Union outlet I use?  Awaiting elucidation.  

(1) You wish me to send the combined $2610 via Western Union? Yes, send the combined $2610 via Western Union to Jane Joseph in 1, Samuel Manuwa Street, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria. And not to the person in Seattle again okay. 

(2) Do you wish a 'mystery shop' write up on the Western Union outlet I use? Not necessary anymore just enter a western union outlet and send the money to JANE JOSEPH Okay.

(3) Now before you send the combined $2610 to JANE JOSEPH, make sure you remove $50 from $2610 for your transport fair and send the $2560 to Jane Joseph in 1, Samuel Manuwa Street, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria.

(4) Deduct the western union service charge fee from the $2560 you are sending out to JANE JOSEPH and send the rest money after deduction okay.

(5) You will get back to me with western union MTCN receipt after the transaction and use your phone or tablet to snap the receipt and scan it to my email here. Please make sure you send the money to JANE JOSEPH today. Be expecting another assignment next week Monday okay.

I hope my explanation is clear?  If you still have questions please let me know.  

 

Okay, confirming Point 1; no need to write a shop (Point 2); deduct $500 from the amount listed and send the remaining balance to Jane Joseph at the address given in Lagos, Nigeria; Point 4, pay the wiring fee from the remaining balance; get back to you when it's done.  I will attend to it on my way to work tonight.  

 

Good Morning to you Jack and how are you doing this morning? I want to know if you send the money via western union to Jane Joseph in Lagos Nigeria already, reason is because there is another new assignment waiting for you, which you suppose to start the processing today. Meanwhile the management have already send the new assignment to my email and they're expecting us to give them the report of the first assignment given to you since 3 weeks ago, am talking about the money they entrust in your hand. 

Once again Jack, I'm waiting to receive the western union MTCN receipt from you which I believe you should have sent out to JANE JOSEPH in Lagos Nigeria already, this would enable me to forward the report to the management of commercial and private yacht owners this morning before we proceed to the new assignment. I hope you understand every bit of these better?.

Please get back to me this morning with the report from the western union outlet ASAP.  

 

Do you want me to send you a MTCN or the receipt?

Send the MTCN number of ten digit and the exact amount sent with the sender's name only. 


I'll send you the receipt  


(so I send them an old fuzzied up fake receipt from a scambait back in '09 or so):

Jack the mtcn receipt picture you sent doesn't clear at all, you have to resend it and make it bold. Or better still type the mtcn 10 digit number and the sender,s name as well as the amount sent okay  

It wasn't clear? Hmmm. Okay  

The next reply from the scammer either suggests (a) they recognize that I'm playing them and they think they can get a rise out of me by claiming their Nigerian contact got the money or (b) they're saving face, in which case this is the last I will hear from them:


Dear Jack, I would like to thank you for the job well done and also to let you know that the management get back to me now and says the money as been picked up by JANE JOSEPH today in Lagos Nigeria. Once again, thank you so much for MTN receipt that you sent over to my email this morning.

Just be expecting your new assignment tomorrow cheers.  

 

Who am I to spoil their 'fun'?  Jack replies with "Good.  I await your next assignment ;-)" 

 

 It was apparently their way of saving face...they won't play wif me no mores ;-)

Seymour is disappointed...he hoped I could score a discounted yacht or something...

 

 "Not like THAT!!!"