More Online Job Scams And The Resume To End All

Not having a job sucks.  At least to those of us that understand the value of work.

Then there are welfare cheats, liberals, millennial cupcakes...and online scammers.

Online scammers like to use the scam of representing an online employer with an offer one can't refuse.

This one can, but I digress.

Here's a badly played scam:

Jaka Construction Company Canada. 

Email id: jakarecruitmenthelpdesk@hotmail.com

 

ATTN: Applicant,                                                 

You are hereby notified that your qualifications and experiences which you submitted at a job finding site were found suitable for the requirements of Jaka Construction Company Canada. For verification and screening you are to submit your updated Resume/CV copy as soon as possible. to our email below for job consideration Email id jakarecruitmenthelpdesk@hotmail.com

 

Your Swift response give you a chance to secure a job with this noble company. 

Yours Faithfully.  

 

 

Neither I nor my character had submitted anything to a job finding site.  But that's okay; they're soliciting a resume, and a resume they gonna git: 

 

Here's the resume you requested.

Jack N Ewehoff

Resume 

OBJECTIVE:  to get someone to support me in a manure to which I am totally unaccustomed and highly unworthy of, but am willing to adapt to, 'cuz it beats working for a living.  Besides, I need SOMEONE to pay me, so'z I can keep sending my pet rock to all kinds of exotic locations (where such locations are reachable by UPS; cruise missiles and military strike drones are rather abrupt and unilateral).

 

EXPERIENCE:  extensive.  Not useful, but extensive.

 

WORK HISTORY:

2012-Current   Danged if someone don' think I'm a good employee.  Long as I can keep 'em fooled, awesome.

2011-2012   Dun a couple thangs h'yar and thar.  Since I'm no longer thar but h'yar -- see previous -- the thars were best left along a road side ditch in Arkansas.

1996-2011   A few times during that time frame, they actually wangled a full days' worth out of me.  I was getting better at avoiding that, just when phffffffft , the gravy train derailed.  I was lucky to survive the dog stampede in the aftermath.

 

2000-Current   To avoid having to get a life, I scambaited online email scammers who contacted me, which I made easy for 'em cuz I planted my email addresses in likely locations the scammers harvest for suckers.  To date, I have successfully baited over 1,500 (est) scammers in that time, and been promised approximately $5.6 billion USD along the way.  To date, I have actually collected, in actual money, the equivalent of 1/100,000th of a snail's spit.  But on paper, I be like Bernie Madoff, without the federally-funded digs and sucky jump suits.

 

1995-2009   I also chased tornadic thunderstorms, driving thousands of miles, coping with all sorts of weather of dubious meterocedence and worse intent, taking bookoo pictures...and getting not much for it, but mileage on de cahr, and branded as 'nuts' by those who think they know me.  They're getting righter every year.

 

1992-1996   I did a variety of things, almost none of which was productive, like fer instance:

• I worked in a quality control job in an ordnance factory, quality inspecting 81mm mortar rounds.  Until they saw how I was testing them, that is.  But it's okay...I'm completely healed, and insurance handled the rest.
• I was hijacked by a UFO, taken away to a far away planet, and forced to appear on an alien talk show...I think it was Jerry Riveratoid.  I got sent back because I farted during the show, which, in that environment, was akin to a WMD.  I think the axis of their orbit was affected, too.
• I had my non-existent company, Bonco, UnInc., make up a whole slew of products for people to buy that will never work.  Kinda like Ronco and K-Tel.  But Bonco's still around.  Neener.
• I received federal grant money to prove that the wiggliing of my ears doesn't cause global warming.  It was revoked when I caused a magnetic anomaly that sent the USS Nimitz briefly back to 1941, where it almost screwed up history.  My bad.
• Though, in 2010, wiggling my ears on February 2, caused Punxsutawny Phil to misforecast the end of winter.  He got blamed.  I'm still getting groundhog hate mail.

EDUCATION:

• A BS, masters and a pHd in crustaceanology from the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  Which I used to bait a subscription scammer in '05, Madison's Who's Who.  Even they had to laugh when they figgered it out.
• An Associate Degree in Administration of Justice from a local community college; what a waste.  I liked donuts without the damned degree.
• One afternoon out behind the wood shed with Mary Lou, where I learned that cooties wuz a myth.  And I also learned somethin' else:  I had sub Olympic-quality sprint speed, outrunning her daddy's 12 gauge rock salt protest...
• And what I learnt at a young age about electricity, conductivity, and YOWZA, all from being talked into peeing on an electric fence...*woo*

REFERENCES:

 

Furnished upon request; I'll need time to collect a few of the scammer emails to use as references.  Folks who know me never admit it when they're sober.  

 

 

 I expect this to get me ten thousand times as many scam job offers as it gets me real ones...