Keeping Up With Who?

*Yawn*...another email from another faux military person that found millions in Saddam Hussein cash in Iraq, and they want my character's help.

This time it's a lieutenant colonel.

Here's his gambit:

My real name is LT COL Mark Morris I am 57 years old, I started my career in the army reserve unit, I served in various positions in the 82th Infantry Battalion of the US Army, I work in Iraq in the capital city Baghdad b/w 2002 to August 2008 then later was posted to Kabul capital city of Afghanistan for UNITED NATION peacekeeping till date.

I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of (US$10 Million Dollars) to your country for safe keeping SOURCE OF MONEY:http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stmMy squad US 3rd Infantry Division discover some fund in various currencies in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunition at a location Baghdad belonging to Iraq Government part of the fund was Saddam Hussein’s boys used during a rescue operation, and it was agreed by all parties present that part of the money be shared among us.

The above figure was given to me as my share.

I will give you more information when I am sure that you are willing to assist me..

 

Kindly fill up the below requirements in respond.

1. Your full name:

2.Your contact address

3.Your country:

4.Contact phone/fax number

5.Age:

6.Occupation:

Regards,LT COL Mark Morris    Email mr.markmorris@yahoo.com  

 

 

Of course, every bit of this is believable.  If Trump's name appeared once in it, cnn would be running it with reckless abandon.

 

At any rate, it was primed and ready for an edit that fits what's going on these days, and my character that originally received it was only too happy to comply:

 

 

My real name is LT COL Mark Morris; I am 57 years old.  I started my career in the UN army reserve unit as a eunuch, and have furthered that eunuchity as far as career eunuchity would progress me.  In my assordid guises online and long before online had access to the sordid and guises, I served in various positions as a stunt double in the movie Team America World Police during the sex scene between marionettes Gary and Lisa, which required me six months in traction thereafter. 

I was also a stunted double in the war classic Charge Of The Munchkin Brigade, The Lollypop Guild; I jumped with the 82th Infantry Battalion of the US Navy Airborne in the invasion of Newark; I led a special detail into Pyongyang to assassinate Kung Pao Chicken for an episode of Pawn Stars; I stunt doubled for Jim Brown in the movie The Dirty Donuts (directed by Homer Simpson); and I field tested open-on-impact parachutes for the US Coast Guard Army.  I have had, as one can see, a varied and storied career in military anals. 
 

Today -- after working as a UN peacekeeper in Burntimore, MD, and not very successfully, since all the toilet paper was looted during that week -- I went to a safer place to work as a peacekeeper in Aleppo, Syria, and then moved to Kabul, Afghanistan, when it was found that people were still fighting in Aleppo.  How do you keep peace in a war zone?  That's why I am now posted to South Park, CO, where I help the owner of City Wok keep Mongolians away from the city wall.  It's so much easier to deal with animations, y'know.
 

I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the mythical sum of (US$10 Million Dollars) to

some place other than where I am for safe keeping from the IRS, flying monkeys, Regis Philbin,

Steve Harvey, Monte Hall and The Clinton Crimedation.
 

SOURCE OF MONEY: 

My squad (during a bit part we had in the movie The Deviled Eggs Brigade) while serving with the Canadian Nigerian 40th Palace Guards Company discover some porn videos of DNC personages engaging in sex with inflated animals at Motel 6s during the Hellary crimepaign in 2015-2016 that was upended by Russians Boris 'n Natasha hacking into Hellary's illegal basement server  and selling the information to Wiccanleaks.  All of which was knowd by Barack Insane Obola, who is the bravest person the Washington Post ever knowd, and it only took them 36 pages to disprove that claim with shoddy journalism.
 

It was later made up by cnn -- world leader in fake news -- that these videos belonged to Iraq Government of Saddam Hussein, and were to be used against anyone that ran against Hellary, according to leaked upon emails between John Podorksta and Debbie Medusa Schultz.
 

I will happily pony up more information when I am sure that you are willing to assist me and prove dumb enough to do so.
 

Kindly fill up the below requirements in respond.

1. Your full name (your empty name serves us no porpoises)

2.Your contact address (or whatever it is you wear)

3.Your country (current or future)

4.Contact phone/fax number (either and/or either)

5.Age at which you first had sex with an inflatable anything

6.Occupation at the time you had sex with an inflatable anything
 

Answer the afore questions well; it might get you a guest starring role on Creeping Up With The Kardashians Butt Sizes.

Regards,LT COL Mark Morris   

Email mr.markmorris@yahoo.com  

 

 

What would come as no surprise was that the scammer hisself chose to make no follow up communication; however, someone possibly affiliated with a long disreputable cable fauxnews network, offered my character a journalism job.

 

My pet rock, Seymour, is livid.

 

"That was MY EDIT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

 

Seymour, they're probably saving you for the North Korean story desk.

 

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Odds In the Ends

Yes, there's a point to the appearance of Cpl. Klinger from MASH.  And you won't have long to wait for it.

First, feast your eyes upon this effort to give me the business by Naomi Gagnon, who sent an email that was void of text in the body, 'cuz it was all jammed up in the header:

Hello, Greetings to You,Please permit me to introduce myself to you, I'm Miss Naomi Gagnon only daughter of late Dr.fabrice Gagnon,im 21 years old, I am a Victim war and polical Crises which cursed the death of my father My father left a big amount of money with the bank USD 4.5MILLION DOLLARS, and I don't know about this, it was on the 10th of October last year that our family lawyer kindly hand over to me the documents covering the deposit to me Please it is a long story that if I started to narrate all of them to you, you will start shedding tears over there, but I will give you Full details in your next mail as soon as i hear from you but kindly bear in mind that I need you to help me out of this my critical condition and help transfer this money to your account and assist me come over there for security of my life and the fund and start a new life and destiny I am anxiously waiting for your kind response Thanks once again and please extend my greeting to your family. Thanks and God bless you Miss Naomi Gagnon

Okay...now let's get to the point of Cpl. Klinger being in this edit, sorta:

Hello, Greetings to You,Please permit me to introduce myself to you, I'm Miss Naomi Gagnon only daughter of late Dr.fabrice Gagnon,im 21 years old, I am a transhemerroideral gender neutral eunuch of dubious antecedence with no bathroom to call my own, since we usually foul ourselves behind a tree hereabouts.  I've heard all about these safe zones on college campuses in America where delicate flowers are protected from hearing "trigger words" like "self responsibility", "self accountability", "common sense" and such, and I am very much the interested in coming there so I can find out what a bathroom is, and learn what are the "trigger words" that should cause me to empty my bowels while curled in a ball on the floor, whining because my poor widdow feewings was hurt.  

 

I probably need to learn these things because my father abuse sheep and goats when his inflatable girlfriend left him for Otto from Airplane.  

 

It so dramatized him that he left a big amount of money with the bank USD 4.5MILLION DOLLARS, and this make me most ashame of my privilege which is all the rage there on American college campuses...I don't know about this, but it something I need to learn if I am going to get to vote in your election in November 500 times for who the DNC tell me to vote for, in exchange for my very own bathroom and safe zone in their pedophiles section of their basement.  

 

 

Please it is a long story that if I started to narrate all of them to you, you will start laughing yourself to ass off, but I will give you Full heavily redacted details in your next mail as soon as i hear from you but kindly bear in mind that I need you to help me get a gender friendly bathroom of which I am only now learning is so critical to the salvation of western society.  Silly me...I thought those ISIS bastards were more of a threat than a gender neutral bathroom, or needing a safe space from words like "conservative" and "hellary isn't trustworthy" and "peanut butter sandwich"...but I'm a simple Third World dildo brain that can only think for myself when I'm told what it is that is thinkable, like making pedophile-friendly bathrooms.  This is most important according to Debbil Washingmachine Snitz, the DNC chairpoison.  I am anxiously waiting for your kind response Thanks once again and please extend my greeting to the shrieking marmot on YouTube. Thanks and piss up a rope.

Miss Naomi Gagnon

aka Bruce Jenner's pet parrot, Marie Barf

It was obviously too much for Ms Gagnon...learning that her email upset so many people this way.

*snerx*

A New Year, An Old Scam Edit and a Laughing Scammer

An old scam idea recycled late in 2014 that looks just like this:




FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE NATIONAL HOUSE OF ASSEMBLY COMPLEX
SENATE HOUSE - UPPER CHAMBERS WUSE DISTRICT, COTONOU BENIN
Our Ref: FGN /SNT/STB

HELLO
ARE YOU DEAD OR ALIVE? IF YOUR DEAD YOU BETTER STAY DEAD AND IF YOUR
LIVING YOU BETTER READ THIS:


IF YOU FAIL TO SEND THE $45 THIS WEEK YOUR $2.500, 000.00 IS GONE

I have to inform you again, that we are not playing over this, I know
my reason for the continuous sending of this notification to you, the
fact is that you can't seem to trust any one again over this payment
for what you have been in cantered in many months ago, but I want you
to trust me, I cannot scam you for $45 it is for bank processing of
your payment, the fees of $45 is clearly written to you before, I did
not invent the bill to defraud you of $45 it is an official bank
payment processing fee, and the good part of this, is that you will
never, ever be disturbed again over any kind of payment, this is
final, and the forms from there becomes effective once we submit your
payment application processing fee and pay the form fee of $45 I don't want
you to loose this fund this time, because you may never get another
such good opportunity, the federal government is keen and very
determined to pay your overdue debts, this is not a fluke, I would not
want you to loose this fund out of ignorance, I will send you all the
documents as soon as bank payment processing fee is paid, you have to
trust me, you will get your fund, find a way to get $45 you will not
loose it,instead it will bring your financial breakthrough, find the
money and send it to our bursary.


The reason why am sending you this because I want you to receive your
USD2.5M immediately as we are trying to round up for this payment program.
The processing charges which was initially on the high price has been
cut down by the payout bank considering the poor economic situations
that make it difficult for the middle class citizens to meet up with
the processing charges of their entitlement. Upon the confirmation of
your processing charges you will get your $2.500, 000.00 into your
account within 15hrs.

Here is the payment information through western union money transfer
or money gram money transfer, finally my advice to you is not to
abandon this transaction because of the requirement of ($45)

Account Officer Info:.


Receiver's first Name: Johnson Emma
City:::::::::::::: Cotonou
Country: ::::::::Benin Republic
Text Question: ::::::code
Answer::::::::code
Amount required: :::::::$45
Sender's Name:::::
MTCN Number#:
Sender's address:

As soon as the payment is received today, you will receive your $2.5M
the same today without any delay.

Best Regards
Mrs.Jones Wanette  




I decided to make it one of my final edits of 2014, and how to open up 2015 and my 16th year of scambaiting.  It went thus:




On Saturday, December 13, 2014 12:34 AM, Mrs.Jones Wanette gave birth to a 20 lb vaginal turd <rcrobi521@gmail.com> and being ridded thus of Elizabeth Warren's brain, then wrote:

FEDERAL MINISTRY OF DUBIOUS DEMOCRAP FINANCIAL CHICANERY
DNC HOUSE - HEADS UP OUR ASSES DISTRICT,

WASHINGTON, DC
Our Ref: FGN /SNT/STB

HELLO
IZ YOU DEAD OR ALIVE?

IF YOU IZ DEAD YOU BETTER STAY DEAD AND

IF YOUR LIVING YOU BETTER READ THIS.

IF YOU'RE DEBBIE WASSERMAN SCHULTZ, IT

DON' MATTER WHAT YOU IZ...YOU'Z UGLY

EITHER WAY:


IF YOU FAIL TO SEND THE $45 THIS WEEK YOUR

INFLATABLE MANATEE SEX TOY IS GONE

I have to inform you again, that we are not playing over this, I know
my reason for the continuous sending of this notification to you, the
fact is that you can't seem to trust any one again after your previous

inflatable manatee sex toy deflated during fallating your pet duck.

but I want you to trust me, I cannot scam you out of a $45 inflatable

manatee sex toy, because my genitals is allergic to inflatable

manatee.  And snake bites.

I had a fantasy about you involving Preparation H and jelly donuts;

don't ask me, I just had it.

you will never, ever be disturbed again once you'd tried sex with an

inflatable manatee sex toy.  You simply can't GET any more disturbed

after that.  And once we submit your name to the inflatable manatee

sex toy protection program, it all good and I don't want to hear about

the psychological distress your pet duck suffered with the failed

fallating.

Ducks will do anything.  Just watch road side dead ones get lined up

on and done.  Necrophiliquacks.

the federal government under obola and even bigger pervs therein

is keen and very determined to make you get your inflatable manatee

sex toy as part of the obolacare fraud.  This is not a fluke; the inflatable

manatee sex toy looks good in and out of barlighting, unlike Sandra, who

is barely tolerable in barlighting, and a room clearer in the light of day.

I will send you all the documents that Professor Gruber made up

during his paid and personal workings with obola during the

obolacare stupidity campaign.

You has to trust me, I'm a democrap.  find a way to get $45 and sent it

to us because Swillary needs more botox before she mounts her broom to

start her campaign swing.

The reason why am sending you this because I want you to be among the

first 1000 persons to order this special $45 inflatable manatee sex toy; if you

are, you get a SPECIAL PRIZE:  an inflatable al Sharpton sex toy that bends

over the news media of msnbc and cnn ON AIR!  And you could be one of the

lucky* 1000 to receive this ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!**

Here is the payment information through western union money transfer
or money gram money transfer, finally my advice to you is not to
abandon this transaction because of the requirement of ($45)

Account Officer Info:.


Receiver's first Name: Jarrett Valerie
City:::::::::::::: Washington
Country: ::::::::DC
Text Question: ::::::What Is Uglier Than Me?
Answer::::::::Harry Reid's Genital Warts
Amount required: :::::::$45
Sender's Name:::::
MTCN Number#:
Sender's address:

As soon as the payment is received today, you will receive your inflatable

manatee sex toy -- fallatable pet ducks not included -- and if you're among

the first 1000 respondents, you get that al Sharpton yucky thing ABSOLUTELY

FREE!!! 

Best Regards

Lois Lerner

*  our definition of 'lucky' may differ significantly from yours..but we're progressive butt polyps, and we are pretty sure we know what's best

**  the shrinking pool of working taxpayers will get stuck with any costs like we stick them with everything else we f*** up...  

Of course I made it a point to copy this to the Democrap National Commie-ttee.  Wherefrom, it drew no response.

But one scammer who's dealt with my edits before, was apparently amused to see what I done to some of his peers:

Dangote Alico says  hahahahaha!!  

Maybe the zen master is finally getting through to him...

Democrats Lost The Edit, Too

Some emails are easier to edit than others.  In the wake of the 2014 mid term shellacking the dumbasscraps received, editing's even more fun.


Take this scam for example:










Hello Dear,

I am Mr. Natan Pang a banker, I have emailed you earlier on without any response from you. In my first email I mentioned about our deceased customer a citizen of your country whose relatives my Bank cannot locate to claim his estate.

I got your address from online directory service and decided to write you. I am asking for your consent so that I can present you to my Bank Management as the next of kin to the late customer account proceeds value ($4,000,000)(Four Million United State Dollars) to be transferred into your account for our mutual benefit.

At the successful transfer of this fund, we shall share the fund on a pro rata based percentage [50% - 50%]. I am compelled to do this because I do not want my Bank to take over the ownership of this fund.

If you are interested and in agreement with me, get back to me quickly and I will send to you all the information you may need to proceed without coming to the Bank, and be rest assured that it is risk free project.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Natan Pangnatan_pang@yahoo.co.uk  












Simple, straight forward.  Very unlike the dumbasscraps, as Jonathan Gruber makes clear.  So let's use a selection of them to punch up this edit:

I am Mr. Natan Pang.  I spent a week and 275,000 West African francs thinking up that name.  Don't knock it.

By trade, I'm a collector of grants to research anything that I possibly can.  Last week, I was looking into how methane from Harry Reid could power a Prius for 50,000 miles on one speech.  Right now, I'm researching how Nancy Pelosi's adams apple turns into a cow pie whenever she lies, which is pretty much all the time.  I am seeking a $250k grant from the same architects that brought you an ivy league nincompoop, Jonathan Gruber, and the ObolaCare Compost Hussle.  They bought his lying chicanery, I reckon they'll buy mine.

But when I am expected to be more representative of Debbie Wasserman Schultz's douche sponge, I'm an online banker. 

I have emailed you earlier on without any response from you. This is rude.  At the very least, you could send me a polite f**k off and die response.

Be that as it may...In my first email I mentioned about our diseased customer, Sandra Fluke, who wants her birth control paid for.  Heck, I thought seeing her in or out of bar lighting would save her the need and money for birth control.  Ewww.

Keith Olbermann saw her, and that's why he had a sex change and became Sheila Jackson Lee's genital wart.  

I got your address from Hillary Clinton's Rose Law Firm billing records.  It's where she hides everything from when she was fired from the Watergate investigation to when she was in Bosnia under sniper fire, and right up to how it was really Bill who gave birth to Chelsea and the sexually unspeakable things she was doing with Obola's putter during Benghazi.  

Democraps...they're a weird bunch.  No wonder they lost the 2014 mid terms.

The real reason I am writing to you is because I have no idea, so I'm making this sh** up as Ogun pokes me with a charged cattle prod...I am asking for your consent to shove Ogun's cattle prod up Eric Holder's ass...Valerie Jarrett.  Small wonder Holder's so jacked up.

I would like to present you to my Bank Management as the next of kin to the late customer account proceeds value ($4,000,000)(Four Million United State Dollars) to be transferred into your account so the IRS can pillage your name, accounts and any daughters you might have.

Daughters beat having to settle for goats.

At the successful transfer of this email, I expect the internet world to be amazed and awed at the fact that I didn't misspell one word of this.  See, I just learned English in a DC publk skool last moth, an eye kont weight to ax you wazz up, bleed.  I am compelled to do this because I have painful rectal itch in my sinuses and it makes sneezing really dicey.

If you are interested and have any genuine idea about what the original intent of this email is, please send a transcript of your assessment to MSNBC in care of Rachal Madcow, explaining in 100 words or less why she looks like Ben Afflack.  Get back to me quickly and I will send to you an autographed copy of Katie Couric's book, "Perky My Ass!", signed by Bill Ayers without exploding.  Rest assured that if it had exploded, Katie would be more perkily pissed.  It is risk free project, like researching Joe Bidumb's IQ.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Natan Pangnatan_pang@yahoo.co.uk  

No doubt Natan Pang will be a tad nonplused to read this version.  So too the DNC.  At least, those among them who can read.