Keeping Up With Who?

*Yawn*...another email from another faux military person that found millions in Saddam Hussein cash in Iraq, and they want my character's help.

This time it's a lieutenant colonel.

Here's his gambit:

My real name is LT COL Mark Morris I am 57 years old, I started my career in the army reserve unit, I served in various positions in the 82th Infantry Battalion of the US Army, I work in Iraq in the capital city Baghdad b/w 2002 to August 2008 then later was posted to Kabul capital city of Afghanistan for UNITED NATION peacekeeping till date.

I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of (US$10 Million Dollars) to your country for safe keeping SOURCE OF MONEY:http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stmMy squad US 3rd Infantry Division discover some fund in various currencies in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunition at a location Baghdad belonging to Iraq Government part of the fund was Saddam Hussein’s boys used during a rescue operation, and it was agreed by all parties present that part of the money be shared among us.

The above figure was given to me as my share.

I will give you more information when I am sure that you are willing to assist me..

 

Kindly fill up the below requirements in respond.

1. Your full name:

2.Your contact address

3.Your country:

4.Contact phone/fax number

5.Age:

6.Occupation:

Regards,LT COL Mark Morris    Email mr.markmorris@yahoo.com  

 

 

Of course, every bit of this is believable.  If Trump's name appeared once in it, cnn would be running it with reckless abandon.

 

At any rate, it was primed and ready for an edit that fits what's going on these days, and my character that originally received it was only too happy to comply:

 

 

My real name is LT COL Mark Morris; I am 57 years old.  I started my career in the UN army reserve unit as a eunuch, and have furthered that eunuchity as far as career eunuchity would progress me.  In my assordid guises online and long before online had access to the sordid and guises, I served in various positions as a stunt double in the movie Team America World Police during the sex scene between marionettes Gary and Lisa, which required me six months in traction thereafter. 

I was also a stunted double in the war classic Charge Of The Munchkin Brigade, The Lollypop Guild; I jumped with the 82th Infantry Battalion of the US Navy Airborne in the invasion of Newark; I led a special detail into Pyongyang to assassinate Kung Pao Chicken for an episode of Pawn Stars; I stunt doubled for Jim Brown in the movie The Dirty Donuts (directed by Homer Simpson); and I field tested open-on-impact parachutes for the US Coast Guard Army.  I have had, as one can see, a varied and storied career in military anals. 
 

Today -- after working as a UN peacekeeper in Burntimore, MD, and not very successfully, since all the toilet paper was looted during that week -- I went to a safer place to work as a peacekeeper in Aleppo, Syria, and then moved to Kabul, Afghanistan, when it was found that people were still fighting in Aleppo.  How do you keep peace in a war zone?  That's why I am now posted to South Park, CO, where I help the owner of City Wok keep Mongolians away from the city wall.  It's so much easier to deal with animations, y'know.
 

I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the mythical sum of (US$10 Million Dollars) to

some place other than where I am for safe keeping from the IRS, flying monkeys, Regis Philbin,

Steve Harvey, Monte Hall and The Clinton Crimedation.
 

SOURCE OF MONEY: 

My squad (during a bit part we had in the movie The Deviled Eggs Brigade) while serving with the Canadian Nigerian 40th Palace Guards Company discover some porn videos of DNC personages engaging in sex with inflated animals at Motel 6s during the Hellary crimepaign in 2015-2016 that was upended by Russians Boris 'n Natasha hacking into Hellary's illegal basement server  and selling the information to Wiccanleaks.  All of which was knowd by Barack Insane Obola, who is the bravest person the Washington Post ever knowd, and it only took them 36 pages to disprove that claim with shoddy journalism.
 

It was later made up by cnn -- world leader in fake news -- that these videos belonged to Iraq Government of Saddam Hussein, and were to be used against anyone that ran against Hellary, according to leaked upon emails between John Podorksta and Debbie Medusa Schultz.
 

I will happily pony up more information when I am sure that you are willing to assist me and prove dumb enough to do so.
 

Kindly fill up the below requirements in respond.

1. Your full name (your empty name serves us no porpoises)

2.Your contact address (or whatever it is you wear)

3.Your country (current or future)

4.Contact phone/fax number (either and/or either)

5.Age at which you first had sex with an inflatable anything

6.Occupation at the time you had sex with an inflatable anything
 

Answer the afore questions well; it might get you a guest starring role on Creeping Up With The Kardashians Butt Sizes.

Regards,LT COL Mark Morris   

Email mr.markmorris@yahoo.com  

 

 

What would come as no surprise was that the scammer hisself chose to make no follow up communication; however, someone possibly affiliated with a long disreputable cable fauxnews network, offered my character a journalism job.

 

My pet rock, Seymour, is livid.

 

"That was MY EDIT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

 

Seymour, they're probably saving you for the North Korean story desk.

 

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"