Who's Who Meets WTF -- I

*Writer's note: this is Blog Posting #600. Where else can you go to get 600 postings of absolute sh** like this? If you know a place, fuggetaboudit: you got me right 'chere*

I don't reckon the Who's Who folks are going to be near as impressed with me, as these cows seem to be udderly fascinated with her.

But I digress.

Yes, in 2007 or so, I was notified by Madison's Who's Who that I had been researched and selected as a candidate for their 2007 publication. I had been researched under my own name, but the quality of their research turned up dubious at best, as I sold them on my being of the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute.

Their research department sucked (though I got some mileage and a blog entry out of it with two of their staff); but it wasn't about the research, anyway. It was about the fees to be included in the book.

Needless to say, I didn't get included in the book.

Now, Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals 2011 has sent me a similar invite.
*Yawn*

This particular publication -- when researched online -- has a ton of consumer complaints about 'em. Not that I needed to research 'em to know that. I know scam email when I get it.
Read their opening gambit, and tell me if you see what I seed:

You have recently been selected as a candidate to represent your professional community in this year's edition of Who's Who among Executives and Professionals. Your candidacy for membership was officially approved 5/18/2011. You have been selected based upon your professional experience and achievements, and as such, we believe that your profile makes a fitting addition to our publication (I don't know whether to LMAO or projectile vomit here).

There is no fee (BS) or obligation to be listed in our publication (tell that to the many consumers who have tried to get out of it and/or get their 'no fee' money back). We must receive verification from you that your profile is accurate. After receiving verification, we will validate your registry listing that your profile is accurate. After receiving verification, we will validate your registry listing within seven business days.

Once finalized, your listing will share prominent registry space with thousands of fellow accomplished individuals across the globe (who got had), each representing his or her professional field and geographical region. As a member of the registry, you are also afforded a unique networking opportunity with other professionals (who got suckered) and potential employers across a range of industries, as well as business coaching opportunities from industry experts. Of course, this unique accolade would be a welcome addition to any resume (if it were worth a sh**, which it ain't).

(at this point, I'm directed to click on a link to their website to verify my profile and accept my candidacy; there was no profile for me to verify there. I had to fill out a brief questionnaire, and more on that below, and they go on)

Our registration deadline is 5/25/2011 (I received this email on 6/8/2011). In order to guarantee your inclusion, your verification must be completed on or before this date (wanna bet?). On behalf of our committee, congratulations on your achievement and welcome to our association.
With best regards,
Jason Price, Vice President of Research Division

Now, this was sent to one of my email addresses; but no where on it did it have my name. So just what 'research' they did on me is anyones' guess. Moreover, there was no profile for me to verify; I filled out a quick lil' questionnaire, from which a 'researcher' would contact me about in a few weeks.

And from there, the fun will begin: according to the questionnaire I filled out, I am Jack N. Ewehoff, of Central City, Colorado, and I am the editor of Fixit Form Letters, a business correspondence letter consultant company (aka, my rewriting of email scam letters for fun and annoyance). So as to make it easy for their 'researcher', I listed my real home phone number as my 'bidness' number, and adjusted my voice message to reflect it, using my (un)patented 'redneck' voice.

Can I get past their 'researcher', and onto their no-fee (BS) pitchman?
Developing...

Lowering The Bar, One Syntax At A Time

You can argue all you want about the state of public education in this country. In my book, it is what it is (and it ain't what it was a generation ago, especially in the larger inner cities). But when it comes to persons from another country, attempting to use our form of English to give me the business...well, their handlers really need to do a better job of homeworkin' the scammer, before hitting 'send'.

Really.

Granted, I am not an English major. Having never served in Her Majesty's Armed Forces -- at least in this lifetime -- I have no rank, period. BUT...I know a little bit about grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and the simple basics of math.

Mr. David Kofure/Kofour, "regional manger of Standard Charted Bank of Ghana Takoradi Branch", demonstrates in no uncertain toims, that he does not.

It is germaine to note that my computer only still works at this time, because I was not drinking coffee at it, when I first read Mr. Kofure/Kofour's effort to give me the business.

His email started out presumptuously: GOD BLESS YOU, when I hadn't even sneezed. From there, it went quickly downsyntax. Let me share with you, in all his tortured syllables and cypherin, Mr. Kofure/Kofour's email to yours truly (which came addressed to 'undisclosed recipients):

dear fiends,

my name is Mr.David Kofure.i am regional manger of Standard Charted Bank of Ghana Takoradi Branch in western regon of Ghana.i get your informtions on recent bank conference with other east African countys hold in Johanesburg the city of south African.

iwrite you this poposal in good faith i am a man of peace.i have make package financal transaction will benefit us too, as the regional manger of the Standard Charted Bank it my duty to send a financal report to my head in the city Accra at end of each year.

on course of last year 20100 (WT time-warping F?) i finded my branch in which i am manger maked Three Millon Seven Hunded and thirsty thouand united state dollar ($3,730,000,000.00) which my head are not ware of and i not maked them aware of.

As I said...he gots issues, and not just with basic English as a written lingo...he also gots chronological and decimel dysentery, and he goes stumblingly on..i placed funds on what we call escow call acount with no benefitary as offcer of bank i cannot directy connect to money so i aim contacting you is to assit me recieve money in your bank acount and get you 35% of founds as committed.

there is practcaly no risks involve i swears it, it be a bank to bank transfund and i need from you is to stand claim as orignal deposit of this fund who make deposit to my branch so my head can order transfar to you designate bank acount.

i ask ony you keep this secrit and keeping poposal to you self i thank you.i wish also you note the transferd will take (8) fourteen work days.get backs to me soonest.

I wonder if the scam police in Ghana issue tickets and pull licenses, for scamming under the influence or inexperience?

Ooooooooookay....recognizing that I had a basketcase on my hands, I applied myself in the kindest, gentlest, most compassionate manure that readers h'yar have come to expect from me, by kindly responding, and gently helping him to better give me the business:

Dear Mr. However You spell your last f***ing name (it went two ways),

What in the Ghana f*** am I supposed to do with an email the likes of THIS??? Really??? Did you decompose it with your head firmly inserted in a hippo's ass?

It is obvious that, rather than applying yourself to credibly learn the language you are attempting to give the business from, you have indulged in more narcissistic pursuits, like flatulating and masturbating. Neither of which you could probably spell. And your cypherin' basic math??? I'd say you're dumber than a door knob, but where you live, you probably have no clue what a door knob is. How about a tree stump? Do you have enough deforestation thereabouts, to know what "dumber than a tree stump" means?

I am marking your paper with a geemongus red "F", and returning it to you. A geemongus red "F" means *FAIL*. *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* *AHOOOOOOOOOOGA* Wrong wrong wrong wrong, you-and-all-those-who-look-remotely-like-you WRONG! Do NOT return this to me for grading or further business-giving consideration, until:

(a) you correct the spelling errors...every last f***ing one of them

(b) you correct the decimel dysentery that separates millions from billions

(c) you know what f***ing year you're reporting on, let alone from, you time-warping lizard hork

(d) you demonstrate you know the difference between 8 and "fourteen", contextually and numerically

and last but certainly not least...

(e) you make your offer to give me the business, of an amount that makes wasting my time getting the business from you, worth wasting my time for.

Add to that, go stand before the class and write on the blackboard, 1,000 times, "I am a GhanaBell dumbass Supreme w/Pepsi". I'll expect a picture of you doing so, as proof.

Get to it, soonest.

Yeah, I know...gave him a sh**load to do there. Small wonder that I haven't heard anything back yet.

Yep...they're there, too

I haven't had to job-hunt since early '96. Then, it was phone calls, shoe leather, fill out apps, interviews, and a positive, negative, or no response, until something was found.

In 2011, I've found a few differences. A lot of it is being set up online now. Companies that post your resume, allegedly read it, and allegedly funnel job opportunities related to your resume to you.

Not. But that's for another time.

I hooked up with three online services, and provided them with my resume (all three of which will remain nameless for now). One has been like a *chirping cricket* at night since I signed up. Another sends me a weekly update of absolutely nothing relevant to my resume.

The third, to their credit, has funneled to me -- besides job possibility bundles -- emails directly from prospective employers. Again, most of which have no relation to what my resume entails.

But the most recent two email responses from this last web site were echos of my past, both recent and going back a decade. Lemme share with you one of them:

From: *********323@hotmail.com

Dear (my name),

Our Organization is know as a payment processor with services designed for international small business (a small *toing*).

Our Company have found your resume in (the job hunting website) review it and sure that you to be a perfect candidat for the position which we propose (the *TOING* is growing in resonance). Our Organization are currently looking for a few qualified person for a vacant position "Check Assist Manager" (the *TOING* just approached a sonic 'boom').

The general work of this job is to collect payments [ACH transfers and bank cheques] from our clients in USA. Every payment will be accompanied with detail directions. If you haven't checking account our manager will help you to open a new account (the resulting *TOING* would cause an avalanche in unstable snowpack).

Average salery is $650-850$ per week. General requirements:

- available 6-10 hour per week;

- not less than 21 years

- computer skills [MS Word] personal e-mail address (and just what the F did you contact me on, moron?)

- ability to work home

- US citzenship

- honestly, responsibility and promptness in operation you may combine work with your main job (*biting tongue*)

If interested please get back to us soonest (the final *TOING* probably weakened the structural integrity of my abode).

*AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA .... BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER ... PHFFFFFFFFFFT ... WARNING WILL ROBINSON ... *

Yep: online job soivices -- like eBay, Craigslist, et al -- are rife with scammers.

I forwarded this and the other suspect email to the web service involved, and got back a rather lame "our investigation recognizes this to be an email scam" reply. Duh...y'suppose? They recommended I forward it onto other sites, for follow-up, which was done.

They also recommended that I not reply to it.

Heh...they don' know me vewy well, do they? Thus advised, I did:

Yo, ho...wazzzup? Lay da facts on me jack, an' let's make widda negotiables. You needs a cog fer da machine; ah needs scratch. Lezz make widda rat killin' and come to da deal, hokay?

A reply may or may not be pending.

Life in the 21st Century. Little did I know that almost 11 years of playful scambaiting, was preparing me for a future endeavor: job-hunting.

Yowza.

UPDATE: my reply DID get a reply...from the original email user, who denied having sent the email, advising me that her account had apparently been 'hacked', and that I should not respond to the email and should warn others not to as well.

Y'think?

I've never been a fan of hotmail.com, anyway. Lots of scammers are, though.

Just A Russian Chick Magnet

No wonder my pet rock, Seymour, has more friends on Facebook than me. He's a regular chick magnet.

His wind chime spouse, Windy, is NOT amused.

While cavorting with Mayden and Pixie in North Carolina, Seymour was receiving the following email, with attached and displayed photos:

Hi! Have good day! The computer in service of acquaintances found to me some profiles of people which coincide with my inquiry. I preliminary studied them and has decided to send you, and only you, to the first the message because your structure seems to me more interesting and good rounding (I am NOT making this sh** up; she really wrote that). I hope, that you have time to send me some messages that we could it is better to find out each other. I shall tell a little about myself: my age of 25 years old, my name is Olga. I was not married and I live in an apartment of my parents. Some years, after the ending of training I work in the house with children, I am engaged in their education and training, I prepare them to the first campaign in school. To me to like productive leisure (that got a *TOING* out of Seymour, until he realized it wasn't reproductive leisure that she was referring to...we think) periodically go in for sports for maintenance of a body (and she looks pretty well maintained). I like to travel and be in different place, but my work does not allow me to do it frequently. I have many friends, we sometimes together spend time, play billard and tennis, we have other entertainment (maybe we were wrong, she DOES like reproductive leisure?). I send you picture that you knew my person.

Also I want to ask you to send me some picture of you (this may prove a problem early on). Please ask things interesting you about me and inform me some. The information on you: what you love an entertainment? What your character? What you love qualities in woman? Whether You had the wife (this one will cause some problems, too) ? I shall answer on your question and to inform you it is more about itself in following email (yeah, what she said..). I shall be wait for your massages (Seymour about blew rock boogers out what passes for his nose on that one). Mine address is (her email addy). Your friend Olga.

Windy is already pissed off at Seymour, but he still wants to correspond with this one. Despite the fact that the actual email was addressed, not to Seymour, but to "Jerome": Jerome "Curly" Howard, aka Curly of The Three Stooges, whom I had play a number of Russian email scammers from this very addy.

I also pointed out to Seymour that this is clearly a scam: I have photos of this very same young lady in my well-stocked Russian scamstress photo archive. As Niki Shastapova. Vena Mintcheva. And Poly Ilanova.

Seymour is not dissuaded; he's still hung up on that *massage* typo (and I know it was a typo).

Soooooooo, Seymour dictates me an eager but restrained reply, meant to further communication with Olga (while Windy hangs in the corner, seething). Meantime, I try to play a bit of a peacemaker between the squabbling newlyweds, and test Olga (or her handlers) grasp of English, with this loosely-interpreted adaptation of Seymour's intended reply:

My dearest, sweetest, most perfectedly sculpted Olga,

From the moment I laid eyes on your email and photos, I am hard. No, really. It's how I'm built. But you already knew that, referring to my profile as well-rounding. Not grammatically correct, but it's more geologically accurate than you know. And I digress. I take digression for granite, as you'll soon learn.

Hi and greetings, my lovely steppes flower! I am Seymour, and I am Absolut in my eagerness to get to know you and your bodily maintenance. It is obvious that your maintenance crew is first-rate, I must say. Yowza baby. And do I mean that in all syntax and dialects, including Cyrillic.

Your email simply rocked my world, Olga. I want to know simply ALL there is to know about you. And ask you if you have any bikini pictures? I adore forms like yours in bikinis. It's what I dream of, not having a speedo shape myself.

Write me back with some stunning bikini photos -- or of you wearing less, if you wish -- and I'll tell you simply all there is to know about me, my life, my loves, and my sincere wish to get to know you in the most horizontal hubba hubba ways imaginable, speaking from a productive leisure sense, of course. You simply look so procreative in your pose, y'know?

Awaiting your adoring reply,

Seymour

Seymour was initally oblivious as to what I wrote versus what he asked me to write, and remained so, until Olga replied, that is:

Seymore, what kind talk is this for me you say? Bikini photo? Please to explain to me all that what is writed by you to me. I am not understanded here.

Attached to her reply, was what I wrote her (and you read above), and not the hokum that Seymour dictated.

Seymour was furious; Windy was laughing her chimes off.

So Seymour insisted I draft a conciliatory reply, so he could further develop the relationship. After writing down his rather tepid, mushy apology, I took some creative liberties widdit:

Built-like-a-brick-Kremlin Olga,

I am terribly, sincerely sorry that you were not complimented by my previous prose. I meant no insultski, or to infer that you were anything less than a lady of the evening that goes for $25-50 bucks down on East Colfax. I just thought that if you had any bikini photos of you, I'd enjoy them. If you have any naked photos of you, I'd enjoy them more. Yes, I am a male geologic pig. But honesty is, after all, the best policy, is it not, my sweet little Slavic slut?

And to show you my obvious sincerity and integrity, I am enclosing my photo for your thorough and female arousal enjoyment. I know I'm buff; makes your mouth water and loins moist, I know.

Waiting your nudity for my pleasure,

Seymour who wants to see more ;-)

And yes, I included a photo of Seymour at the beach in NC (for purposes of security, I cropped Windy out of the version I forwarded to Olga).

It's been a few days now, and not another word from Olga. Seymour is not talking to me, though he's happy to be enroute to visit another good blogging friend in Virginia. But as I sealed him in the box before delivering him to the UPS Store, Seymour had one parting editorial comment for me:

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

I don't think it was gas from Thanksgiving dinner. I don't think....

He Knows If You've Been Bad...

I just knowd I'd saved this card for more than 20 years, for a reason.

As some of you may know, I let my pet rock, Seymour, take on a scammer that sent an offer to his email address. Vic(toria) Seaman, an alleged Darfur refugee, whose assasinated Pa had, afore he wuz kilt, put away $6.5 million USD for Vic(toria) in a Swiss bank for her. BUT -- don't you just hate the "BUT" when it crops into something that sounds too good to be true -- it was set up so that Vic(toria) Seaman couldn't access the cash without first enlisting the help of a foreigner "of good repute".

And that was where Seymour came in, of quartz...*ducking boos and throwd geodes*.

Granite *ducking agin*, Seymour's kinda new at this kinda thing. And they threw a full ensemble at him: Vic(toria) Seaman, refugee; Rev. John Leeds, Darfur refugee camp manager; Ms. Patty Cakes (really), Swiss banker; Dumu Iroko, bannister-at-law, Senegal; and later, Carmi Bebo, bannister-at-law, Senegal. But with a wee bit of my help now and then, Seymour managed to confuse the snarf out of Vic(toria) Seaman; get cursed by Rev. Leeds; piss off Ms Cakes; and get Iroko fired, resulting in Carmi Bebo being retained as legal counsel.

The emails are long and tortured, and Seymour's in enough trouble with his wind chime spouse, Windy, who doesn't know how scambaits work, and saw that Vic(toria) was referring to Seymour as her "future huband". More on that anuddah time.

At any rate, I'm not transcribing the whole scambait herein, especially since it's still ongoing; it'd take too long and be too tedious, between the moments of pure mirth. BUT -- do you sense a theme here? -- I did want to let you know, as well as Seymour, who's gonna get blamed for it, what I dun.

Since the second bannister gave me an address...and I had this Xmas card that I've held onto for over 20 years...well...*TOING*...even if the address given ain't legit...well...I printed a copy of it, and overseas airmailed it to Bebo. On behalf of all of them.

Yeah, I know: odds are, none of them will ever see it. Yeah, I know: I just wasted a few bucks (less than $4) to do that. Yeah, I know: it ain't Xmas time quite yet.

BUT -- you hadda know that was coming -- I just couldn't resist.

And best of all? They'll all think it came from Seymour.

"Did NOT!"

BUT they won't know that. Granite *ducking agin*, Santa will; BUT if anyone rates as 'bad' in his book....well....y'know. They'd all be wise to cover their chimneys, iffen they got 'em, a month and a half from now.

She Ain't Heavy...She's My Scammer

I had heard about a scam tactic where a friend or acquaintance's email account had been hijacked/hacked into, and the scammer used it to try to bilk money out of that person's friends/family.

Until recently, I hadn't personally received such an email. Now, in a short time, I've seen it twice.

The second time, I decided to play (knowing that the person purportedly writing, was NOT on vacation in Scotland at the time).

While the scammer identified him/herself as an acquaintance, my character never identified himself to the scammer. So much the better.

Here was the scammer's opening gambit:

Subject: Horrible Situation!!!

How are you doing? Hope you slept well last nite ? I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, my family and I came down here to Scotland, United Kingdom for a short vacation unfortunately we were mugged at the park of the hotel where we stayed all cash, CC and cell were stolen off from us, luckily for us we still have our passports with us. We've been to the United State Embassy and the Police here in Wales but they're not helping issues at all but we're having problems settling the hotel bill and the hotel manager won't let us leave until we settle the bills. I'm freaked out at the moment...I need you to help me out.

Thanks,

Crystal

There were an obvious number of obvious 'flags' in this email; but the easiest one was how the scammer signed it. My friend has NEVER, with me, gone by that name. So after letting my friend know that I was gonna have some fun, it began:

Mercy sakes, C! This is sphincter-wrenching dreadful! What can I do?

I'm so glad you replied back, we have nothing left on us right now and we are lucky to have our Life and passport with us it would have been worst if they had made away with our passports.Well i need a quick favor from you,I was wondering if you can lend me $2,250 so that we can sort the hotel bills and get a cab to the Airport...you can have it wired to my name via Western Union I'll have to show my passport as ID to pick it up here,you have my word and i can make it up to you, I promise to pay you back as soon as i get back home. Here's my info (which was again the formal name that my friend never uses, and some address in Edinburgh Scotland). As soon as it has been done, kindly get back to me with the MTCN confirmation number.i owe you a Lot.

Wow, C, you are lucky that it wasn't worst than that! After all our years and experiences together, you had to know you could count on me, and if anyone knows how good you are at making things up, it's me. I think I have the amount you need available. Soon as I get off work, I'll go right to the bank and wire it at once! We can discuss my honorarium when you get home.

Thank you, thank you I knew i could count on you!!! Waiting for wiring informations.

The wait was overnight, and when I checked the next morning, I had this:

Still waiting? Please to hurry! the hotel manager is get impatent.

Dang, C! I completely forgot after work last night! Work was so arduous. I'll go right now, on my way to work! You only need $250, right?

I count on you! No, no i tell you we need $2,250! Wire it via western union just as i told you. hurry please!

$2,250??? Whoa, C! I thought it was only $250. Let me see what I can do here. Get back to you after work.

i still waiting? what is the MTCN please?

There isn't a MTCN yet. I'll get the $250 to you this afternoon, I promise.

i need $2,250! i tell you this? what is the MTCN?

Finally, after a day of exchanges (I wasn't at work, and enjoyed putting 30-45 minutes between emails), I sent this:

Okay, the money is sent. Safe trip home to you, C!

i need the MTCN to get the money? you need to tell me!

Again, I waited overnight before sending a bright and early response:

C, I sent you the money right to where you said. Oh, I didn't send it Western Union; I sent it FedEx Overnight, to the address. You'll have it tomorrow.

An hour and a half later, that drew this spirited response:

you dumass! dont you listen to instruction? send me money Western Union! you are dumass!

It was now time to see how much longer the scammer would entertain their illusion of scamming money from yours truly:

Well hell, C, you shoulda knowd that; we were married for five years, until you had the affair with the neighbor's Great Dane, and you left me to live in a kennel and cook Gaines Burgers for litters. I kept trying to tell you that the movie Deep Throat was just fantasy porn, and not a true-life story. And I'm the dumb ass? You should be happy I didn't write to the authorities over there about your lacking of a flea collar, and your failure to get your distemper shot. So quit whining like a mangy cur and take what you get with aplomb. I'll buy you a box of Milk Bones when you get back. Sheesh...will you EVER grow up?

Guess I shouldn't have been so 'rolled up newspaper' in my approach; communications came to a yapping halt. The scammer wouldn't "speak" to me anymore ;-)

Scam Acres

Craigslist is a wunnerful place.

To get scammed.

I've dealt with two previous scammers on Craigslist, both at the request of friends who've tried to use Craigslist to sell stuff, only to get hit upon by a scammer.

Then comes number 3, as a colleague's wife nearly got had.

A coworker of mine's wife went job hunting on, among other places, Craigslist. And almost immediately, she got a job offer that sounded like a dream.

On Craigslist.

And in short order -- after she shared a good deal of her personal information with the prospective employer, a Mr. James Peters -- she received a check via the mail, from Califorlornia, for $2230. Which she was instructed to deposit, and keep $500 of for her first week of work (something daycare-0riented).

Meantime, she was instructed by her new 'employer' to wire $1430 via Western Union to someone in Boston, MA, using the balance to do so. And, somewhat strangely she thought it, her new employer's phone number was a longer than usual one, beginning with a 44.

That's, I say son, that's a UK country code.

At any rate, she didn't put it all together, so thus dutifully did as she was told to do by her new 'employer'.

EXCEPT...

A wizened clerk at Western Union smelled out the scam before my colleague's wife made the ultimate fiscal faux pas of wiring the money.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Meantime, the scammer began to pepper her cell phone with text messages, and phone calls. My colleague -- to buy time -- told the scammer that his wife was away for a few days, visiting relatives. He related that the caller -- his wife's purported 'employer', and apparent scammer -- sounded foreign, almost Middle Eastern.

At any rate, he bought some time. And with the time bought, he contacted...yours truly ;-)

So -- while my colleague and his wife got things straightened out with their bank (no harm, no foul, thanks to a sharp-eyed Western Union clerk) -- I, more than happily, took over the role of his 'wife', e(fe)mail speaking.

It's a good thing neither they nor the scammer had or used a webcam, but I digress.

My third go-around with a Craigslist scammer didn't last as long, or get as funny as I might have hoped; but I accomplished the goal that has become so easy for me, what with ten years of practice.

I wrote progressively weirder emails to the scammer, to the delight of my colleague and spouse.

And it begins as I now assume the role of my colleague's wife, with the following email to the scammer, James Peters:

James, I am sorry for the confusion. I had to travel out of town on family business, and my spouse got confused by the instructions, not being totally familiar with your and my employment agreement. SO...please repeat to me exactly what I am to send where, and to whom, via Western Union, and I will attend to it as quickly as possible. I am so happy to have this opportunity you have afforded me.

The poor unsuspecting scammer doesn't notice a change, since the intended victim allowed me to use her email account to respond from:

Thanks for your message. You will deduct $500 for yourself being a week deposit and have the remainder of the $1730 sent including western union charges. Below is the information you will use to send the fund to the store via western union money transfer:

Receiver's Name: Wilson Charles

Address: 125 Summer St Ste 1910

City: Boston

Zip Code: 02110-1615

State: MA

Once you have sent the fund, you will get back to me with all the necessary transfer details. MTCN and the exact amount sent so that I can forward to the store for the immediate release of the items. It will be appreciated if you can also attach the copy of the receipt for my record purpose. I will be expecting the western union details as soon as you possible this morning.

And I reckon he was expecting the information that morning. But he didn't get it:

Great! I will attend to this after I finish milking the cows. I'm at my family's farm outside of Grand Island, Nebraska: I'm helping my father-in-law out while he has surgery for straining his ubula. It stinks here, but I love animals and helping out. And no need to text me (he was sending her multiple text messages, asking for updates); I'll email you the information as soon as I get back from Grand Island (I'm about 30 minutes from there).

And, later that evening, I began my well-played game:

Okay, Mr. Peter, the money is sent to Boston, just as you said. I'll be babysitting some pigs for a while, so if you have any questions, email me. I'll check in later.

Later ran well into the next day, which prompted a quick note from Mr. Peters, along with my failure to include the MTCN:

Let me have the MTCN and exact amount sent

Thanks

Instead, and later, this is what he received:

What MTCN do you refer to? As for the amount, it's what you said you wanted me to send, $500, just like we agreed. Sent it to Boston.

I will be out birthing pigs in the barn late tonight; any questions, email me and I'll get back to you later Friday. Thanks again for the job. It's all good.

This did NOT draw an immediate response from the scammer, so I waited a spell and threw in the following:

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner today. I've been shearing sheep all day from sun up, and whoa mutton, what a long hot job that was. But it was woolworth it. And speaking of which, with all the skeins of yarn I'll be getting as my share, I can knit you an afghan, knitted to fit. Best of all, this afghan won't blow you up like a Taliban kind would. These are so much nicer afghans. What's your size? I'll get right on it after I help inseminate the goats. We use a turkey baster. It keeps out goats from trying to screw the ducks. That's not a pretty thing to witness.

Now, what was that about the MTCN?

One of two possibilities:

(1) it's the weekend, and he ain't got access to his internet cafe, or

(2) he's figured out that he's being counter-played

In either event, I'm content with firing another salvo:

The meter's running...order now, while there's still time to get you a custom-knitted afghan that doesn't blow up like the Taliban kind. I can only knit so fast, and the orders are pouring in. Order now, and I'll throw in, absolutely free, a Western Union MTCN number! Supplies are limited, so ORDER NOW via email! Orderbots are standing by to take your order*!

And I can still fit in day care for your spawn; they'll love slopping the chickens and plucking the alpacas. Green Acres is the place to be, farm living is the life for me! Dooba dooba.

*DISCLAIMER: this offer not valid on Craigslist, eBay, or on HSN. Void where prohibited by no internet. Your results may vary. Kids shouldn't try this at home, but it's okay at a neighbor's, long as parental supervision is hors de daycare. You should never take this email if taking a diuretic or other mucus-solidifying prescription. Possible side effects may include dry crotch, toe nail distension, ear hives, sonic boom flatulence, and pet trauma associated with the last. Afghans by Ash can be differentiated from Taliban afghans by (a) quality of knit (b) lack of bulky filler in fabric and (c) fuse attached to filler. This email, if read backwards, may spell out in Wiccan, "I snort the vibrating pickle! Devil dildos!". This weirds out most folks, so don't do that. The US Department of Knitreculture requires this DISCLAIMER.

Since this last email went out, my colleague advises me his wife has ceased receiving phone calls, text messages, and follow up emails from the scammer. If nothing further turns up by early next week, I reckon Scam Acres has moved on to less weird scammees.

Dooba dooba. Scam Acres ain't the place to be. Your results may vary.

(What) William Tell...

Some folks are ready for a call at any time, and in any place.

Some folks, ain't.

Earlier this summer, you recall I had a round with a scammer purporting to be a US Secret Service agent, Hector Graig (The Wild Wild...East? and three part You Ain't That Secret), and his Ohio-based accomplice, William O.

You'll remember how I had some fun with William, by sending him an inauthentic-looking 'certified check' via USPS.

He and his chums weren't amused.

And while I was able to play with them a bit more -- before they finally quit threatening me and stopped responding to my email taunts -- I found a use for them one more time. At least.

I hope William enjoyed it. From what I gathered from (allegedly) Burkina Faso-based scammer Mikel Luga, William didn't.

Here's a synopsis of Luga's opening gambit:

FROM THE DESK OF MR MIKEL LUGA

AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING MANAGER

OCEANIC BANK (PLC) OUAGADOUGOU-BURKINA FASO

CONFIDENTIAL TRUST BUSINESS DEAL

i KNEW THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE. I AM THE AUDITING MANAGER IN OCEANIC BANK. I HOPED THAT YOU WILL NOT EXPOSE OR BETRAY THIS TRUST AND CONFIDENT THAT I AM ABOUT TO IMPOSE ON YOU FOR THE MUTUAL BENEFIT OF OUR FAMILYS. I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANT IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF USD $37.6 MILLION DOLLARS TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 7 BANKING DAYS...

Yada, yada, yada.

On this occasion, I didn't reply using any character name; I just sent back a quick Oh hell, why not? I've got nuthin' better to do. Go ahead, gimme da business.

A couple days later -- Mikel musta had a good email turnout -- he sent me one of the usual applications to start the process, requesting my name, full address, occupation, position in my place of work, personal telephone number, age, a secure email address, and finally, a copy of my "paspot" (his spelling).

My character Jack N. Ewehoff, doesn't have a paspot; but my character U. R. Phulovit does ;-)

It was then that one of those ear-splitting *TOING*s reverberated through the canyon betwixt my ears.

I remembered that alleged Secret Service agent Hector Graig sent me *his* paspot as proof of who he claimed he wuz; but also that his friend, William -- recipient of that luverly *certified check* -- sent me a photo ID of his, too.

*Jeopardy theme music, whilst I ponder my options*

So I sent back to Mikel Luga the requested information...as if I were William. Including my phone number. And these specific instructions:

Please make careful note that the email address I am writing to you from, is my work email, and it is NOT secure to continue this correspondence from. Please use this email address for all secure communications (it was the one used by Hector/William).

Then came the creme de la creme: I would reckon that some telephone communications are necessary to set the table for our business relationship. Since I work late afternoons in my job (as a turkey inseminator for a poltroon farm in Ohio), it is necessary that you call me between midnight and 3am. To allow me to know it is you calling, please call once, let the phone ring three times, then hang up, and call back immediately.

Of course, I had included the required phone number (of my former scammer), for snorts and guffaws.

The next day, I had this email from my aggrieved business partner, Mikel Luga:

I DO AS YOU ASK WHY YOU RUDE AND SAY BAD THINGS AND HANG UP? THIS IS NOT GAME. ARE YOU MY PARTNER OR NOT?

When I got done chuckling, I provided this:

I was going to ask the same thing, fella: I sat up from midnight until 0330 -- I gave you an extra half hour -- and you never called. If that is your story, then it is obvious to me that you dailed the wrong number. SO...tonight...because I am off to work...try it again. This time, call me at my home number between 1:30am and 3:30am. Call once (and I repeated the number for his benefit) and let it ring three times, hang up, and then call back immediately. I will be there and ready for your call.

Could I be so lucky as to have one scammer call and wake up another scammer in the wee hours, two mornings running?

Three days ago, I got my answer to that from Mikel:

ASSHOLE.

From the viewpoint of Mikel Luga and William, I simply have to agree with that. ;-)

Dating Baiting II

A golden opportunity goes...really weird.

I guaranteed it ;-)

A few weeks ago, I get this email from Asabi Gold Company:

ALLUVIAL GOLD DUST OFFER FOR SALES

ASABI ASCON SARL & COOPERATIVE WEND PANGA are pleased to make this offer of AU metal Gold under the penalty of perjury and with full cooperate and legal responsibility to the following terms and conditions.

1. Product: AU Metal (Gold)

2. Origin: Burkina-Faso West Africa

3. Type: Alluvial

4. Purity: 22.5 Carat or 92%

5. Quantity: 100-1000 kilos

6. Price: $18,500 per kg

PROCEDURES

One representative of the buyer is suppose to come down to Ouagadougou, BURKINA-FASO for the inspection and random sampling of our Gold Bars. Or makes plans for the Gold to be ship to his/her destination. We look forward to establish a long lasting relation with you.

I am expecting your reply soonest with your personal information.

I am Mr. Sulaimon Basheer

Marketing Manager

Asabi Gold Company

Sweet.

So I responded in the guise of Jack N. Ewehoff, as President and CEO of my company, Painful Rectal Itch Novelties and Games, UnInc. As usual, they didn't read my information closely; it was enough that I had responded with what they took to be affirmation of their effort to give me the business.

As it began, I was expected to travel to Burkina Faso, thereat to sign ze papers, affirming our deal. And initially, Jack N. Ewehoff was more than willing to meet that expectation. Until, that is, Jack examined closely the cost associated with a flight to Burkina Faso.

Not wanting to aggravate Jack's "medical condition" from too many hours in the air (bloviating anal shingles), Jack begged off flying to Burkina Faso, and instead asked if there was an alternative to his travelling there.

As Mr. Spock said, "there are always alternatives". And Mr. Basheer was ever so quick to offer one up (as I just knowd he would be): the hiring of a legal representative there in Ouagadougou, a Mr. Amadou Diallo, who -- for the Western Unioned sum of only $1,500 Euros, would be more than happy to represent me "profesional and relayable, 100% risk fee".

I and my medical condition were comforted. After some back and forth, it was agreed that the next Monday, three weeks into the first contact of Jack by Asabi, would be the day to pay the necessary fees, via Western Union.

On the agreed-to day, I sent Mr. Diallo not just his $1,500 Euros; I sent him $14,500 Euros (in the form of my deer butt doorbell Euro bill of dubious antecedence, and non-negotiability emanating therefrom) via email, hoping that "since my secretary couldn't break the bill, he'd be kind enough to do it for me, and wire me back the change".

I mean, scammers on Craigslist do this kind of thing all the time. I thought that made it okay.

I didn't get the reaction I expected. Instead, I got this from the legal representative of Asabi Gold Company, Burkina-Faso (uh, without the ** censoring):

f**k your mother

To say the least, Jack was rather nonplussed. So much so, he responded thus:

Let me get this straight: you want a date with my mother? Really?

Apparently, my Asabi scammer was just as nonplussed as Jack was:

f**k you and your mother

Jack remained nonplussed:

Whoa now, dude. You wanna try to bang my mother after some online romancing, I reckon that's between her and you (her name is Jacyln Ewehoff); but you wanna bang ME as well? WTF, seriously, dude: are you bisexual, or just uninhibited? Do local chimpanzee clans have a rape crisis center in your name?

Nonplussed became the order of the emails:

f**k you asshole. stop email us.

Oh, so now you DON'T want to bang my mother, just me, eh? You sick bastard. I'll bet next you'll wanna do my pet camel, Horace?

f**k your camel. shut up and stop email.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. You wanna do my pet camel? Horace is preferable to Sun Maid brand dates, and flowers. Then, maybe, you can try some slap and tickle. But that's between you and Horace.

It's really a good thing Jack N. Ewehoff doesn't really have a pet camel named Horace; 'cuz Horace would have felt stood up, since Basheer/Diallo finally stopped hitting on the family Ewehoff.

Maybe they'd do better on Match.com?

Pound This

Yeah, I know. Tacky photo. Even tackier, my using it thus.

But we already know that about me.

Scammers are still learning.

On August 11, I was advised that my beyond fabulous luck with online promotions and lotteries was continuing apace, as I received this gem from the Camelot Group Lottery:

Subj: Ref NO: UKL/74-A0802742010

Your EMAIL-ID has won you 891,934 pounds from the Camelot Group Lottery. Fill the below BIODATA'S.

So what the heck...I did, as my tacky ol' character, Jack N. Ewehoff.

And then I waited. A day. A week. Two days short of two full weeks. And finally:

Camelot Customer Services

ATTN: Jack N. Ewehoff,

This is to inform you that you cheque has been approved for claims, you are to Contact the dispatch officer of the Universal-Air-Couriers. for the delivery of your cheque.By sending your correct Biodata's for Verficiation of delivery. Phone now 44-701-004-0542 Mr. John White Email: universalaircourierslmtd@gmail.com

You are to keep us fully inform of all development.

Best wishes,

Mr. Mark Cole

44-701-004-1179

My response was succinct:

Bloody took you long enough! Freakin' cheque probably has mold on it.

No note was apparently taken of this, by either Camelot, Maid Marian, or the Universal Air Couriers:

Universal Air Courier

Walkers Snack Foods Bursom Road

Beaumont Leys Leicester LE4 1BS UK

Telephone 44-703-595-8761

ATTN: Jack N. Ewehoff

CHOOSE FROM DELIVERY OPTION.

Welcome to Universal Air Courier. We have the honors; most humbly and respectuflly congratulates you on your whinings (they ain't heard my whinings, as yet). This is to formerly and officiolly inform you that we are possessed of your winning draft of Eight Hundred Ninety One Thousand Nine Hundred and Thirty four Great British Pounds, winning certificate and the fund release order from Camelot Group Lottery 2010.

Furthermove you can now pick up from option open to you: The option together with their associate condition are present bellow:

They go on to give me three delivery options, costing between.....*drum roll*.....430 and 570 GBP. They go onto 'splain why I must choose thus:

Your whining prize is protect by hardcover insurance poly which make it impossible to deduct any amount from the money before it is remit to you. This mean that the above charges is not taken from your price and hence must be provide by you before you price is send. You must agree to Universal Air Courier sipulation and company policy for you funds to be scent. This mean you pay the flight charge to us before we ship of your price to you. Threefore you make choice of option you best fit and notify us accorance.

Mr. John White

Dispatch Officer

Universal Air Courier

Dumbed-down education must be affecting Her Majesty's public school system, too; otherwise, I'd demeaningly think that I was not communicating with a Brit, but a Third World scammer, from the text above.

But we've already established I'm tacky, so who cares what y'all think of my denigration of scammers, wheresofromever they be? In any event, simple minds require simple answers:

Universal Airhead Couriers: in accorance with Cameltwat Grope Lottery and your computer's dysfunctional grammar-check, I am choosing -- because I am now rich, and can afford to be frivolous -- Option 1. Lay some bad wiring instructions on me, Maestro.

And again -- without paying any mind to my irreverent Colonial slaughtering of the language -- Universal doth sendeth me thine wiring instructions...with some interesting changes in things like their address, my chosen option, etc:

Jack N. Ewehoff, you are to wire the 570 GBP from your chose Option 3 *TOING* via the MoneyGram service as I now instruct:

Mrs Carol Gibs

Account Officer

Universal Air Couriers Limited

Emlyn Street

Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria LA14 1QS UK

When you have done this you then are send us the scanned copy of receipt and the money transfer control number in email. We then send you cheque when we have all verfieid.

Mr. John White

Dispatch Officer

Universal Air Courier

Unit 4 Delta Way Thorpe Industrial Estate

EghamSurrey TW20 8RX UK

Alrighty then.

Now we arrive at Monday, August 30. An email is enroute to both Cameltwat Group Lottery AND Universal Air Couriers (very) Limited. An email asserting that (a) the wire transfer is done and (b) a scanned copy of the receipt is to follow.

And now you know the meaning of the photo at the beginning.

Yes, I know: tacky. But we already knowd that about me.

The scammers are still learning. Especially the one purportedly at Universal Air Courier:

jack what is meaning of this emal? do you think to play jest here?

Uh...why no:

Uh...why no. That is, indisputably, 570 pounds, in that picture. Without question. Absolutely no doubt. And my sources tell me this couple is from the UK, so there is absolutely no doubt, beyond question, that this is 570 Great British Pounds.

My end of the deal is fulfilled. Now it's your turn.

The silence was deafening.

Yes, I know: I'm tacky. But you already knowd that.

A couple more scammers are getting it now, too.

Credit ABOUNDS!!!

A "credit crisis"? Who says?

Well, maybe some naysayers and doomsday fatalists are suggesting there's one, but phfffft on them. I got credit.

And I didn't even have to look for it. It came to me.

In an email. How easy can it get?

With the title Apply NOW! here is my email proof that the credit market is alive and vibrant:

Arrangments to Borrow up to $50,000,000* Flexible loan terms and conditions* Interest rates as low as 3%* Choose between 1 to 35 years repayment period requirement*

There then followed a loan application that required as little as name, amount needed, loan duration, monthly income, purpose of loan, residential address, country of resident, age, marital status, nationality, home phone, cell phone, and whether or not into sex with bovines.

Okay, so it didn't really ask that last question, but I did neglect to read the fine print for confirmation on that point.

At any rate, there it is. So simple. So direct. So much money to lend, so little interest to require. And the company of this credit largess? Global Springer Link Finance Investments. My benefactor: Mr. Mike Spencer.

I am soooooo blessed to have so many wonderful persons of the (Third) world wish to give me the business (a little 'Net research on the company revealed a treasure trove of duped and near-duped persons).

So I responded, in typical Jack N. Ewehoff fashion, with all the required information that is as real as this offer. You'll imagine my genuine surprise and enthusiasm, when I saw how easily I was accepted for a loan:

Applicant: YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED! Here is your acceptance information:

Loan Balance: $250,000
Adjusted Loan Balance: $250,000
Loan Interest Rate: 3.00%
Loan Fees: 0.00%
Loan Term: 20 years
Minimum Payment: $0.00
Monthly Loan Payment: $1,386.49
Number of Payments: 241
Cumulative Payments: $332,758.91
Total Interest Paid: $82,758.91
Note: the monthly loan payment was calculated at 240 payments of 1,386.49 plus a final payment of $1.31

NOTE: If the above information is not understandable or satisfactory to you, do write back for more detailed information as your satisfaction is our delight (LMAO). Finally, if the terms of service cannot be met by you, you can send us a letter of Disclaimer stating that you do not wish to continue the transaction. Will which to notify you that your mail containing the filled information was received by this department. In order to seal up the transaction our terms of service which are widely stated below must be agreed upon before any further step can be taken in this loan contract.

Terms And Conditions
(1) For security reasons, This Company has an Insurance Registration Cover (*TOING*) incase of future loss/death occurence by both parties. So the loan will be insured/registered under the stipulated law Before Transfer.
(2) The stated sum of money due for loaning must be paid back within a minimum period of (20 yrs).
(3) In the course of the loan term duration, a constant monthly payment will be paid for a period of (20 yrs) two months after the loan have been confirmed available to the beneficiary designated account.
(4) Late payment of monthys installments has a pentaly of 2% increase.
(5) The above Terms and condition should be accepted by your before we move on with the loan transfer.

Well, cricket crap...what's a feller to do with such terms and conditions? Why, email acceptance, of course:

I have read all conditions and requirements herein and herethroughout as applicant, and I am favorably disposed to the business you propose to subject me to as stated herein, herethroughout, and thus stipulated.

I have the honor to be, Jack N. Ewehoff
Loanee-designate

No application fees. No loan fees. No muss, no fuss. Freddie Mae and Fanny Mac, are you crooked, corrupt, bankrupt organizations, readin' this h'yar?

And within 12 hours of my sending the above affirmation to the fine folks at Global Springer Link Finance Investments, I received this eagerly anticipated *TOING* that addresses how there is a $600 insurance fee for the loan, and how the fee is equally split between (a) the lender and (b) the receiver. So, for a mere $300, I am getting a $250k loan at 3%, right?

Uh...well, not according to what Mr. Spencer writ: owing to this, you are expected to only pay the sum of $300 USD which is half of the insurance cover, while we shall cover the other half. Your loan request entitlement ($30,000USD) *lock up the brakes, screech the tires, skid off to the side, and WHOAAAA, MOHAMMAD!*

Mr. Spencer must be so busy, loaning out 1k to 50 Mil at interest rates of 3%, that he's confusing us loanees. But ol' Jack'll fix that:

Okay, I understand the insurance fee ploy and such. This I understand only too well. HOWSOMUCHEVER...you seem to have had a sudden catastrophic drop in the value of the dollars you is gonna loan me, 'cuz in the terms you sent me, I was receiving a 250k USD loan; and here, you shrunk the kids to only a 30k loan.

Was that there a typo, or did I just miss something really BIG and IMPO'TENT h'yar? I so crave indulgence.

My prompt inquiry was equally prompt to draw a corrective reply, without so much of a *WTF* at the tone of my inquiry:

Mr. Jack Ewehoff,
Thanks very much for your mail and thanks very much for looking very closely to the mail and found out that error and Iam sorry to inform you that it was a typogaphical error from our Typist in the office.

He goes on with four rather droll paragraphs of legal and fiscal-sounding gobbledygook, and then gets down to where I am to send the $300 USD and how:

You are to pay for the insurance cover (fees) through Western Union Money Tranfer in the coordinates of the below stated Receiving Insurance Officer:

Elizabeth Crowford
25 Knapmill Road
London SE6 3TA UK

He concludes with his own 'address', listed as Canary Wharf, London E14 4DY.

Canary Wharf? Bloody hell 'n haggis!

Chuckling at the addresses, Jack made it sound like all was on cue:

I am pleased to have clarified the precipitious drop in the dollar, and have things back in sync. Don't cane the clerk in your office; I am sure she is just overworked from all the loan applications an operation like yours MUST be inundated with.

I will attend to the fee payment requirements and coordinates on Monday, August 16. By your reckoning, that will have the $250k cheque delivered unto me by weeks' end, God willing and the Atlantic don't rise. I look forward to getting the business from you, and I am sure you'll likewise.

We are soooo hitting it off here, I think the seeds of something that smells like kimshi is flourishing here:

Thanks very much for your mail and understanding, we advise you to get back to us with an exalt date from next week to make the payment. Once you make the payment of your own part of the payment to the insurance company your loan request entitlement will be ready for transfer into your nominated account with 48 hours of the conclusion of the insurance process.

Nominated bank account? I don't recollect nominating a bank account:

Mr. Suspenser, what "nominated bank account"? I haven't done that. I was thinking that you'd send me a certified cheque (I spelled it the Eurocentric way, so's there'd be no confusion). Clarify please.

Mr. Ewehoff, due to size of amounts of entitlements we dispense it is customary and required of law that we do not deal in certified cheques. If you have not nominated a designated account to receive this entitlement upon transfer, it is now that you will need to do this at once, to forestop any delay.

"Forestop any delay"???

Heaven and the Queen will have nothing to do with forestoppage. Let me send you the account I am now hereby nominating as the next bank account of Jack N. Ewehoff, to receive entitlements from your esteemed organization (and I resorted to an old one from an '07 scambait, the bank being the First Astral Savings And Loan, located in the Third Astral Plane, with interdimensional ATMs wherever angels fear and not to tread, and since they're winged, they don't have to in either case).

Then came Monday, August 16, 2010. Time for Western Union, Jack N. Ewehoff's style, with newly-made up receipt. But first, the 'bait':

Mr. Spencer for Hire, the insurance fee has been dispatched, just as you instructed. I shall eagerly anticipate the next 48 hours to receive my entitlement.

Kindly send to us a scanned copy of the payment slip given to you at the Western Union office for verifiable. Your prompt response is highly needed.

*snort*

And my prompt response you shall highly have. Attached is the wu receipt as you so highly needed. I note they've changed the appearance of the receipt. I rather like it. What say you?

It took a few hours, but I will take this reply as a strong *thumbs down* on the newly-designed receipt:

this is no reel wu receet. u are not to contact us no more.

Dang, and I was so looking forward to renovating the pteryducktal coop.

Well, credit *used to* abound.

So Nyerere Yet So Far -- Epilogue

*The thrilling concrusion to a '07 scambait that took three times before the scammer finally gave up on emailing me*

After a couple days to stew about Masato's non-appearance in Johannesburg -- and Masato's belated and rather unique expranation for the whyfer -- George is understandably irritated. For convenience, I have separated his irritated reply, paragraph by paragraph, and replied to it accordingly, just as I sent it to him:

Message Header: Not Happy With You

Masato I am very disappointed in you for making me a stupid before my lawyer and the security company. How do you expected me to feel after all arrangement and preparation of concluding the transaction with you? Long awaiting hours at the airport for over 8 hours without your arrival?
-----------------------------
I wourd agree, Mr. George: if I were you, I wourd feer stupid too. You wait 8 hour? That was stupid, Mr. George. If my fright show up and I not, I wourd have reft immediatery.

If you miss your flight, while didn't you make alternative arrangement to get another flight to Johannesburg? Or call me from the airport to inform me of your missed flight?
-----------------------------
If you read my message crosery, you note I didn't make it to airport for fright. So why I carr you from airport I not at? Prease exprain.

At list from airport you company is no longer monitoring your way about or even write to me from the airport because I know you can find internet in the airport. How do you think I will buy this story of missing your flight and so fort?
-----------------------------
Herro? Is this interrigent rife I am having speaks with? Didn't I just say I no at airport? Didn't my expranation say I no at airport? Herroooo? As for rest, I no ask you buy a story or a fort; where does fort come into this, prease? I simpry terr you what happened the way it happen. If you want to buy story, I can charge you reasonabre fee for it. That's business you in, right?

Anyway I discus your mail with my lawyer and he want discus with you in person. He is a busy man and don't have time to write to you so he request you send us any alternative phone number so he can have a serious discussion with you today. Call him with this number urgently +27 73 445 3553 Barrister Fred Williams, if you are serious and willing to be part of this transaction.
-----------------------------
Ah, finarry, you name bannister. Fred Wirriams? Okay, I know of him from rast time.

Tell him when soon you will be here; also he complained that your passport has expired according to the date on it so how do you intend to travel with expired passport? Explain this?
-----------------------------
Oh, that easy to exprain; I send you copy of wrong passport by mistake. I have varid passport. Rearry.

I wait your immediate response and bear it in mind that your flight disappointment nearly jeopardized my lifetime fortune.
-----------------------------
(now it's time to lower the boom)
Oh hawgwarsh, George. You so furr of sh** on that point.

But it is time to tell it like it is, George-o: I am not Masato Chan. Masato Chan -- if he exists at all -- is an email scammer from Hong Kong, who tried to scam me back in 2002. He sent me a copy of his alleged passport, so I have occasion to use it when I'm contacted by someone like you and your cheeseball bannister Fred.

You see, George...I am really U. R. Phulovit. That's right...you know that name. You contacted me in June with this scam, and I made you, your bank, and your bannister look stupid then. A week after that wrapped up, you stupidly contacted me again on the same email address, and let me make you and that idiot Fred wait at the airport for five hours, holding a sign that said "U. R. Phulovit", never realizing what you were telling other passengers and employees at the airport. After that, you told me never to write to you again. So I wrote to you as Masato Chan the same day...and you took the bait like a sucker takes a doughball. Once, twice...three times a mugu, George.

George, you ARE stupid, so it shouldn't upset you that you were made to look as you appear to those around you on a regular basis. In fact, I bet that if I write to you again in a different guise, you'll try the same stupid scam on me yet again. And again, you'll wind up the public mugu. You really ARE that stupid.

Finally, George, it's not merely your bannister, your made-up security company, and those who already know the obvious that you look stupid in front of; anyone who reads my scambaiting blog has the opportunity to read about ALL THREE OF THESE SCAM ATTEMPTS OF YOURS, so anyone world-wide now knows you're a pathetic, second-rate scammer, and a really STUPID ONE at that. Congratulations on helping me to prove that not just once...not just twice...but thrice.

I rearry have fun at your expense, George. Maybe in next exercise I write as German? Bitte, Herr Nyerere, awpeterstain das dumpkopf!

Usually, that kind of retort draws either a short obscenity-laced response, or more usually, dead silence. But this time, George salutes his mocker:

Message Header: You are good
Thanks for making me a stupid. it makes the world goes round funny isn't it?

Yeah, George...what he said.

So Nyerere Yet So Far -- III

The reason for this particular accompanying photo will be explained in due course, I assure you.

Resuming where we left off, I...er...Masato has let George and his unnamed lawyer off the hook on the racial issue. Now George responds to my questions about the airport and cash or cheque:

There is only one international airport in Johannesburg. To pick you up at the airport my laywer will make proper arrangements for that, since we have your passport, we will write your name on a billboard and display it on the arrival entrance were you can see your name written boldly on it (oh, how I wish Masato Chan had had a more imaginative name...).

Before you leave your country please write me what you will wear and the colours so we can more easily know you. Just look around for any billboard with your name when you leave the plane and we will be there waiting.

Please come with cash, it is easier and saves time.

So it does. And so I'll agree:

Okay, I bring onry cash, since this easier for you. I pran to wear suit that I wear in my passport photo, so I rook just rike photo in rear rife. I pretty prain rooking, actuariry. And I have fright information for you by this Thursday at the ratest.

I rook forward to meet you and your rawyer. You must know the good prans I have for my part of the fund you offer me. I have two rocar charities I pran to give generousry to, incruding my rocar house of geisha. They thank you in advance.

A couple days pass, and now it's Thursday, August 9, and time for Masato to make with an itinerary:

Frying to South Africa is most expensive! But for what I get for making trip I guess it worht the expense. Here is my itinerary:

Sunday August 12
Depart San Francisco on Derta Fright 414 to NYC JFK airport at 10:45pm
Monday August 13
Depart NYC JFK airport on South African Airways Fright 204 to Johannesburg at 5:30pm; after one stop, arrive Johannesburg on Tuesday, August 14, at 4:45pm

Itinerary say totar fright rast about 33 hours, and cost $9415 USD, round trip.

My return fright is on Thursday, August 16, aboard South African Airways Fright 207, reaving earry afternoon.

Because of amount of money I am to carry on prane, I am deciding to put money in my checked ruggage, so I not worry about rots of money having to exprain going through security in USA. So after I find your birrboard with my name, we go to ruggage pick up to correct my bag.

I rook forward to meeting you, Mr. George.

George decides that things are going so well -- aka, I'm such a gullible sot -- that he's going to spread the largess around amongst some of his 'friends':

Thanks for your update, I will be waiting to see you soon and will make a reservation today and have it ready for you.

I have a pastor friend who has been praying for me to have successful transaction (probably an atheist) with you and if you don't mind I will like you to buy him a gift like watch or a good hand set that I will give him to show appreciation. It is not a must, if you can't afford it, but would make nice appearance if you can.

Let's push my ruck a rittle here:

Your pasture needs a good hand set? What happened to his, prease? Oh, this is dreadfur. I have no idea how to buy him set of hands; if you do, I give you some money when I arrive and you buy him set. Make sure they fit. Is $500 enough?

George doesn't seem to notice what I wrote, only the amount of money I offered. And with that, he goes one more:

You are most generous, my pastor will appreciate it. If it is okay, my lawyer work very hard on this deal, so maybe you could buy a gift for him too? Or if it is easier, you could just give me the money and I will take care of it. But it is to be surprise, so please don't say to lawyer anything when you arrive.

I have having problems with hotel reservation at the airport; I may have to reserve you at hotel a couple miles away. I hope you will find this acceptable.

Yeah, right. Well, let's keep up the gullible a tad more:

As rong as it is crose to airport, I am okay with what you arrange.

Mr. George, I need gift for rawyer too? This get most expensive. However, I guess you right that he work hard on giving me business too. Since you know these peopre better, perhaps I just give you money and you buy gifts, especirry for pastor needing set of hands.

I have much to do now before I reave on prane Sunday. Any rast instructions?

George assures me all is now (in his mind) in order:

Thanks for your update. Nothing more to arrange for us until you arrive. Have a nice trip.

Now we fast forward to the evening (in my time zone, Mountain DST) of Tuesday, August 14. Masato was to have arrived in Johannesburg 12 hours ago by this time. I have no email awaiting me. So I decide to gently shove a stick in the hornets' nest with this:

Mr. George,

What manner of prace is Johannesburg, prease?

It was most unpreasant situation. I board airprane and fry for hours and hours to NYC; I change prane, and fry for hours and hours to San Pauro, where I get off and get on prane, and fry to Johannesburg. Then I get off prane in Johannesburg. Or what I berieve was Johannesburg. But I no see your birrboard.

Ret me terr you what I see. Uh-huh (who recognizes a line from Sweet's Ballroom Blitz here?).

It was rike I had frown to Munchkinrand, and all the rittre munchkins were dressed in grass skirts, reather and race, with bones through their noses, carrying big shierds and doing voodoo and other rearry weird hip-hop dances, rike I see in San Francisco when kid try to take hubcap off moving car. It was rike omitted scene from Foot Roose or Happy Feet movie.

Then it get most unusuar.

In a corner near where sign say "Terminar", I see Rorrypop Guird munchkins doing unspeakabre things to wombats and pratypuses with their rorrypops. Dorothy and Toto too.

I turn to run away, and there was you -- or who I think was you -- bent over bench, being unspeakabried by duo of butch munchkinettes with their rorrypops. Ghastry.

Just then I start running for the door. I have to get back to the prane I reft before. Rerax said the nightman, we are programmed to receive...you can check out anytime you rike, but, you can never reave....gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Then I wake up. Wake up and rearize I miss my fright to NYC. I so sirry.

Maybe we courd reschedure again, prease? I even buy you gift this time, yes?

The reply I got wasn't necessarily priceless; but it's worthy of a Part IV...

So Nyerere Yet So Far -- II

Don't let the seemingly unrelated debasing of classic art fool you; like this artfully-altered photo (courtesy of Larry Graves, one crazy Canadian), this whole saga really does get more stupid as it goes.

"Mr. George" as he seems to like to refer to himself now as, expresses his appreciation for my understanding and cooperation, as well as establishes a timetable in his reply:

Thanks for your response; it gives me great plreasure to know that you are willing to assit me to the best of your ability. However, I will want you to amke the trip by first week of August to enable me inform the security company on time for the delivery of the consignment on your arrival.

Secondly, I owe the security fee for some months to the company and as it stands I don't have enough money to cover this bill, so I need your help with some money to clear the debt on your arrival. I will refund you as soon as the security company delivers the money to us. Actually I have to go security company on Monday to check how much the bill is now and will let you know.

Please endeavor to send me your passport copy and telephone number your next reply. I look forward to your response soonest and make sure you send me your flight schedule on time.

So I decide to see just how strictry..strictly he wants me to adhere to his timetable:

The first week of August? I cannot possibry be ready to make trip so South Africa so quickry. I must make prans and get time from job first. Perhaps I can pran for by August 8, but I not know this yet.

How much money you need me bring prease? Is it arot? Prease inform me soonest how much I am needed to bring.

His need (aka, greed) for money is not as much as his bannister in the first go-around wanted, but it's more than on the second go-around, by a few thou:

I am sorry for my late reply, I am in Johannesburg South Africa and that is where you will come, I will pick you up at the OR Tambo International Airport formally Johannesburg airport. I have also informed my lawyer about your coming arrangement and request of how much you will be required to come with. From the claim the security company prints out for us the amount we owe is USD $12,600 for initial five months and the present month of August.

My lawyer requests for your phone number and a copy of your passport to be able to recognize you at the airport. He also wants your flight schedule ASAP. Please note that any amount you spend on this transaction will be refunded to you asoon as we pay this USD $12,600 debts to the security company and the consignment been released to us including your 25% offer.

Send me your phone number passport and flight schedule soonest, please.

I'll continue to ignore the telephone number request for now, and give him dribbles of what he wants:

Johannesburg? Okay, I ret you know what I find out about traver arrangement. $12,600 is a rot of money. I need time to raise amount your rawyer request. I do what I can. I attach my passport here; I ret you know traver and money situation soonest I can.

Now that George has my fauxpassport and (thinks he) knows what I rook rike, he's somewhat forgotten (for the moment) the insistence on my terephone number. But now based on my faux passport, he decides he'll be sending my percentage to China:

Thanks fo ryour good response; I will pray that God help you make a good arrangement as soon as possible. Sir plrese bear in mind that as soon you come here and the security company released the to you on your arrival I will refund you all the money you spend before we transfer the remaining money to your bank account in China.

I aim to "set him straight" on my geography:

Thank you for the most positive repry. However, my bank is not in China; I rive in San Francisco, Carifornia. Just so no mistake made with money, prease. I be in touch with traver itinerary when comprete.

George apparently has some kind of a brain lock at this point, and sends me the exact same message as heretofore; so I choose to further emphasize my fiscar geography:

Prease, I say to you my bank account NOT IN CHINA!!! I rive in USA, Carifornia now! Prease no send my money to CHINA! They confiscate it and I never see again!

Prease acknowredge!

This gets a correction from George:

Thanks, Sir, your instruction has been noted. However on arrival you will instruct where the money will go on your arrival.

Now that we have that straight, I decide to make sure I have clear what George wants:

I wish be crear on what to be done: I must fry to Johannesburg by no rater than Wednesday, August 8; I must bring USD $12,600 for various expenses rerated to fund transfer and documents; I must provide you or your attorney with my nominated bank account into which funds are to be arrocated. If this is correct, then I have much to do. I notify you rater today of what I arrange.

George affirms my understanding of the business he wishes to give me, and returns to his insistence on getting my phone number (which I was almost tempted to give him, so I could talk on the phone the way I'm writing this drivel):

You are right with the arrangement as you stated, I will be waiting for your update and please!! PLEASE!! send me your phone number my lawyer has been asking for it all this why to tolk to you and your flight schedule since you will be coming on Wednesday August 8.

So, let's drag it out some more, starting with a comprication or two:

I have comprications with arranging traver to Johannesburg; I no rearize how expensive it is untir I try to book trip (the flight I researched in business class was $9415!). I need a few days. I probabry can't make it there now before Monday, August 13. This I hope okay with you and your rawyer?

George, while still really REALLY wanting my phone number, is rather genial about my comprications and proposed change of traver dates:

How are you today? Thanks for the update and I have informed my lawyer and the security company of your postponed date. We have book another appointment with security company for August 13-14.

Please, it is really important you send me your phone number as my lawyer want to advise you and have a private discussion with you while we wait your flight schedule. He also curious about how you write your emails (somebody actually NOTICED?), but I am okay with this.

When you do this I will make a hotel reservation and send it to you prior to your feeback of new arrival date. I wait your response.

Liberals play the race card all the time; so let's see how a scammer feels about it:

I appreciate your frexibirity on changing schedure for my trip. This most herpfur and I have itinerary for you in a few days.

Prease exprain just what about my emairs your rawyer find curious? He not racist against persons of Asian descent, is he? This make me most angry if he is so. I no rike that. Prease exprain this.

Now, you keep asking for my phone number for your rawyer. George, at beginning you say to me need for confidentiarity. I rive in townhouse which I share with another coupre who emigrate from my country. They speak good enough Engrish that if I have speaks with you over phone, they most rikery hear. So I not think this good, based on your confidentiarity requirement. At same time, my computer emair is password protected, so they no can rook into my emair and know what I am doing.

So say to your racist rawyer that phone carr with me not good at this time.

I rish you go ahead and book me hoter near airport where we can meet when I arrive. It is rong fright from San Francisco, I think. I ret you know when I have it arranged, after you exprain your rawyer's comments.

And it works like a charm:

Thanks for your reply, and I wish to stress for my lawyer that he is not rasist against you, and is not making jest of how you write emails. He did wish to discuss certain matters with you by phone in advance you travel here, but he understands your situation now and will wait to speak with you in person. He and I offer apology for your offense.

Soon as I have your travel itinerary I will book you a hotel as close to the airport as I can get.

Political correctness even among scammers...who'd a thunk it? So I let them off the hook:

I am so grad to hear this about you and your rawyer. I am okay with this. Now answer me one thing prease, since I never visit before South Africa: is there onry one airport for Johannesburg? I rish not make wrong reservation. And I ask you assure me you meet me at airport, prease. And prease send me photo of you so I know what you rook rike when I arrive.

Arso, I need know if it better I bring money in cash or in cheques, prease? This is rot of cash to carry on prane, but what you prefer, prease?

Their preference and Part III of So Nyerere Yet So Far in the next installment ;-)