Lowering The Bar, One Syntax At A Time

You can argue all you want about the state of public education in this country. In my book, it is what it is (and it ain't what it was a generation ago, especially in the larger inner cities). But when it comes to persons from another country, attempting to use our form of English to give me the business...well, their handlers really need to do a better job of homeworkin' the scammer, before hitting 'send'.

Really.

Granted, I am not an English major. Having never served in Her Majesty's Armed Forces -- at least in this lifetime -- I have no rank, period. BUT...I know a little bit about grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and the simple basics of math.

Mr. David Kofure/Kofour, "regional manger of Standard Charted Bank of Ghana Takoradi Branch", demonstrates in no uncertain toims, that he does not.

It is germaine to note that my computer only still works at this time, because I was not drinking coffee at it, when I first read Mr. Kofure/Kofour's effort to give me the business.

His email started out presumptuously: GOD BLESS YOU, when I hadn't even sneezed. From there, it went quickly downsyntax. Let me share with you, in all his tortured syllables and cypherin, Mr. Kofure/Kofour's email to yours truly (which came addressed to 'undisclosed recipients):

dear fiends,

my name is Mr.David Kofure.i am regional manger of Standard Charted Bank of Ghana Takoradi Branch in western regon of Ghana.i get your informtions on recent bank conference with other east African countys hold in Johanesburg the city of south African.

iwrite you this poposal in good faith i am a man of peace.i have make package financal transaction will benefit us too, as the regional manger of the Standard Charted Bank it my duty to send a financal report to my head in the city Accra at end of each year.

on course of last year 20100 (WT time-warping F?) i finded my branch in which i am manger maked Three Millon Seven Hunded and thirsty thouand united state dollar ($3,730,000,000.00) which my head are not ware of and i not maked them aware of.

As I said...he gots issues, and not just with basic English as a written lingo...he also gots chronological and decimel dysentery, and he goes stumblingly on..i placed funds on what we call escow call acount with no benefitary as offcer of bank i cannot directy connect to money so i aim contacting you is to assit me recieve money in your bank acount and get you 35% of founds as committed.

there is practcaly no risks involve i swears it, it be a bank to bank transfund and i need from you is to stand claim as orignal deposit of this fund who make deposit to my branch so my head can order transfar to you designate bank acount.

i ask ony you keep this secrit and keeping poposal to you self i thank you.i wish also you note the transferd will take (8) fourteen work days.get backs to me soonest.

I wonder if the scam police in Ghana issue tickets and pull licenses, for scamming under the influence or inexperience?

Ooooooooookay....recognizing that I had a basketcase on my hands, I applied myself in the kindest, gentlest, most compassionate manure that readers h'yar have come to expect from me, by kindly responding, and gently helping him to better give me the business:

Dear Mr. However You spell your last f***ing name (it went two ways),

What in the Ghana f*** am I supposed to do with an email the likes of THIS??? Really??? Did you decompose it with your head firmly inserted in a hippo's ass?

It is obvious that, rather than applying yourself to credibly learn the language you are attempting to give the business from, you have indulged in more narcissistic pursuits, like flatulating and masturbating. Neither of which you could probably spell. And your cypherin' basic math??? I'd say you're dumber than a door knob, but where you live, you probably have no clue what a door knob is. How about a tree stump? Do you have enough deforestation thereabouts, to know what "dumber than a tree stump" means?

I am marking your paper with a geemongus red "F", and returning it to you. A geemongus red "F" means *FAIL*. *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* *AHOOOOOOOOOOGA* Wrong wrong wrong wrong, you-and-all-those-who-look-remotely-like-you WRONG! Do NOT return this to me for grading or further business-giving consideration, until:

(a) you correct the spelling errors...every last f***ing one of them

(b) you correct the decimel dysentery that separates millions from billions

(c) you know what f***ing year you're reporting on, let alone from, you time-warping lizard hork

(d) you demonstrate you know the difference between 8 and "fourteen", contextually and numerically

and last but certainly not least...

(e) you make your offer to give me the business, of an amount that makes wasting my time getting the business from you, worth wasting my time for.

Add to that, go stand before the class and write on the blackboard, 1,000 times, "I am a GhanaBell dumbass Supreme w/Pepsi". I'll expect a picture of you doing so, as proof.

Get to it, soonest.

Yeah, I know...gave him a sh**load to do there. Small wonder that I haven't heard anything back yet.