Dating Baiting II

A golden opportunity goes...really weird.

I guaranteed it ;-)

A few weeks ago, I get this email from Asabi Gold Company:

ALLUVIAL GOLD DUST OFFER FOR SALES

ASABI ASCON SARL & COOPERATIVE WEND PANGA are pleased to make this offer of AU metal Gold under the penalty of perjury and with full cooperate and legal responsibility to the following terms and conditions.

1. Product: AU Metal (Gold)

2. Origin: Burkina-Faso West Africa

3. Type: Alluvial

4. Purity: 22.5 Carat or 92%

5. Quantity: 100-1000 kilos

6. Price: $18,500 per kg

PROCEDURES

One representative of the buyer is suppose to come down to Ouagadougou, BURKINA-FASO for the inspection and random sampling of our Gold Bars. Or makes plans for the Gold to be ship to his/her destination. We look forward to establish a long lasting relation with you.

I am expecting your reply soonest with your personal information.

I am Mr. Sulaimon Basheer

Marketing Manager

Asabi Gold Company

Sweet.

So I responded in the guise of Jack N. Ewehoff, as President and CEO of my company, Painful Rectal Itch Novelties and Games, UnInc. As usual, they didn't read my information closely; it was enough that I had responded with what they took to be affirmation of their effort to give me the business.

As it began, I was expected to travel to Burkina Faso, thereat to sign ze papers, affirming our deal. And initially, Jack N. Ewehoff was more than willing to meet that expectation. Until, that is, Jack examined closely the cost associated with a flight to Burkina Faso.

Not wanting to aggravate Jack's "medical condition" from too many hours in the air (bloviating anal shingles), Jack begged off flying to Burkina Faso, and instead asked if there was an alternative to his travelling there.

As Mr. Spock said, "there are always alternatives". And Mr. Basheer was ever so quick to offer one up (as I just knowd he would be): the hiring of a legal representative there in Ouagadougou, a Mr. Amadou Diallo, who -- for the Western Unioned sum of only $1,500 Euros, would be more than happy to represent me "profesional and relayable, 100% risk fee".

I and my medical condition were comforted. After some back and forth, it was agreed that the next Monday, three weeks into the first contact of Jack by Asabi, would be the day to pay the necessary fees, via Western Union.

On the agreed-to day, I sent Mr. Diallo not just his $1,500 Euros; I sent him $14,500 Euros (in the form of my deer butt doorbell Euro bill of dubious antecedence, and non-negotiability emanating therefrom) via email, hoping that "since my secretary couldn't break the bill, he'd be kind enough to do it for me, and wire me back the change".

I mean, scammers on Craigslist do this kind of thing all the time. I thought that made it okay.

I didn't get the reaction I expected. Instead, I got this from the legal representative of Asabi Gold Company, Burkina-Faso (uh, without the ** censoring):

f**k your mother

To say the least, Jack was rather nonplussed. So much so, he responded thus:

Let me get this straight: you want a date with my mother? Really?

Apparently, my Asabi scammer was just as nonplussed as Jack was:

f**k you and your mother

Jack remained nonplussed:

Whoa now, dude. You wanna try to bang my mother after some online romancing, I reckon that's between her and you (her name is Jacyln Ewehoff); but you wanna bang ME as well? WTF, seriously, dude: are you bisexual, or just uninhibited? Do local chimpanzee clans have a rape crisis center in your name?

Nonplussed became the order of the emails:

f**k you asshole. stop email us.

Oh, so now you DON'T want to bang my mother, just me, eh? You sick bastard. I'll bet next you'll wanna do my pet camel, Horace?

f**k your camel. shut up and stop email.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. You wanna do my pet camel? Horace is preferable to Sun Maid brand dates, and flowers. Then, maybe, you can try some slap and tickle. But that's between you and Horace.

It's really a good thing Jack N. Ewehoff doesn't really have a pet camel named Horace; 'cuz Horace would have felt stood up, since Basheer/Diallo finally stopped hitting on the family Ewehoff.

Maybe they'd do better on Match.com?