Pound This

Yeah, I know. Tacky photo. Even tackier, my using it thus.

But we already know that about me.

Scammers are still learning.

On August 11, I was advised that my beyond fabulous luck with online promotions and lotteries was continuing apace, as I received this gem from the Camelot Group Lottery:

Subj: Ref NO: UKL/74-A0802742010

Your EMAIL-ID has won you 891,934 pounds from the Camelot Group Lottery. Fill the below BIODATA'S.

So what the heck...I did, as my tacky ol' character, Jack N. Ewehoff.

And then I waited. A day. A week. Two days short of two full weeks. And finally:

Camelot Customer Services

ATTN: Jack N. Ewehoff,

This is to inform you that you cheque has been approved for claims, you are to Contact the dispatch officer of the Universal-Air-Couriers. for the delivery of your cheque.By sending your correct Biodata's for Verficiation of delivery. Phone now 44-701-004-0542 Mr. John White Email: universalaircourierslmtd@gmail.com

You are to keep us fully inform of all development.

Best wishes,

Mr. Mark Cole

44-701-004-1179

My response was succinct:

Bloody took you long enough! Freakin' cheque probably has mold on it.

No note was apparently taken of this, by either Camelot, Maid Marian, or the Universal Air Couriers:

Universal Air Courier

Walkers Snack Foods Bursom Road

Beaumont Leys Leicester LE4 1BS UK

Telephone 44-703-595-8761

ATTN: Jack N. Ewehoff

CHOOSE FROM DELIVERY OPTION.

Welcome to Universal Air Courier. We have the honors; most humbly and respectuflly congratulates you on your whinings (they ain't heard my whinings, as yet). This is to formerly and officiolly inform you that we are possessed of your winning draft of Eight Hundred Ninety One Thousand Nine Hundred and Thirty four Great British Pounds, winning certificate and the fund release order from Camelot Group Lottery 2010.

Furthermove you can now pick up from option open to you: The option together with their associate condition are present bellow:

They go on to give me three delivery options, costing between.....*drum roll*.....430 and 570 GBP. They go onto 'splain why I must choose thus:

Your whining prize is protect by hardcover insurance poly which make it impossible to deduct any amount from the money before it is remit to you. This mean that the above charges is not taken from your price and hence must be provide by you before you price is send. You must agree to Universal Air Courier sipulation and company policy for you funds to be scent. This mean you pay the flight charge to us before we ship of your price to you. Threefore you make choice of option you best fit and notify us accorance.

Mr. John White

Dispatch Officer

Universal Air Courier

Dumbed-down education must be affecting Her Majesty's public school system, too; otherwise, I'd demeaningly think that I was not communicating with a Brit, but a Third World scammer, from the text above.

But we've already established I'm tacky, so who cares what y'all think of my denigration of scammers, wheresofromever they be? In any event, simple minds require simple answers:

Universal Airhead Couriers: in accorance with Cameltwat Grope Lottery and your computer's dysfunctional grammar-check, I am choosing -- because I am now rich, and can afford to be frivolous -- Option 1. Lay some bad wiring instructions on me, Maestro.

And again -- without paying any mind to my irreverent Colonial slaughtering of the language -- Universal doth sendeth me thine wiring instructions...with some interesting changes in things like their address, my chosen option, etc:

Jack N. Ewehoff, you are to wire the 570 GBP from your chose Option 3 *TOING* via the MoneyGram service as I now instruct:

Mrs Carol Gibs

Account Officer

Universal Air Couriers Limited

Emlyn Street

Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria LA14 1QS UK

When you have done this you then are send us the scanned copy of receipt and the money transfer control number in email. We then send you cheque when we have all verfieid.

Mr. John White

Dispatch Officer

Universal Air Courier

Unit 4 Delta Way Thorpe Industrial Estate

EghamSurrey TW20 8RX UK

Alrighty then.

Now we arrive at Monday, August 30. An email is enroute to both Cameltwat Group Lottery AND Universal Air Couriers (very) Limited. An email asserting that (a) the wire transfer is done and (b) a scanned copy of the receipt is to follow.

And now you know the meaning of the photo at the beginning.

Yes, I know: tacky. But we already knowd that about me.

The scammers are still learning. Especially the one purportedly at Universal Air Courier:

jack what is meaning of this emal? do you think to play jest here?

Uh...why no:

Uh...why no. That is, indisputably, 570 pounds, in that picture. Without question. Absolutely no doubt. And my sources tell me this couple is from the UK, so there is absolutely no doubt, beyond question, that this is 570 Great British Pounds.

My end of the deal is fulfilled. Now it's your turn.

The silence was deafening.

Yes, I know: I'm tacky. But you already knowd that.

A couple more scammers are getting it now, too.