Another Scammer Reading Comprehension FAIL

Sad, isn't it?

Not as much as the reading comprehension FAIL of Sam Laidlaw.

Here you go:

i have something  to discuss with you, reply back. 


Back.  

Thanks very much for your urgent response.

I want you to be patient and read through the content of this mail to understand how we intend making you the sole beneficiary of the entire funds without complication and hitch free process.

I am Mr. W S H Laidlaw, Chief Executive Officer of Centrica plc, Director HSBC and A member of the Remuneration Committee.

A late client in our bank who was an investor made a numbered Fixed deposit for 48 calendar months, with a value of $224,500,000.00 USD (Two Hundred and Twenty Four Million, Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars Only) in my bank HSBC Bank USA.

Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to my client so that you will be able to receive his funds. I have transferred the entire funds (Two Hundred and Twenty Four Million, Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars Only) to an affiliate online bank before my Government would take custody of the funds due to no beneficiary and no one will ever come forward to claim it.

REQUIREMENT AS A NEXT OF KIN:

I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I am in contact with an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to my late client through obtaining the required document including the Certificate of Deposit to be issued in your name. After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favour for onward custody of the funds by you from the online bank.

There is no risk involved in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. The funds are currently in custody of the online bank awaiting claim I would provide you the necessary paper works to forward to the online bank as confirmation that you are taking custody of the transferred funds and once the entire funds have been transferred to your home bank account from the online bank we shall share in the ratio of 50% each as Partners in this deal which I plan on investing my share of the funds in your country as co-partner with you.

For the attorney to begin the paperwork’s processing on your behalf, the below complete information’s would be required:

Full Name:

Age:

Full Contact/Postal Address:

Occupation:

Direct Phone Number:

Fax Number:

Your earliest response and decision to this detailed mail will be very much appreciated.

Your Partner,

W. S. H. Laidlaw.   

 

 

I haven't had much luck with schemes like this.  Do you have anything else to offer me?  

Dear Partner,
Thanks for your mail and your willingness to assist me on this deal. Please if you want us to proceed on this deal, kindly fill the below information's completely. 

For the attorney to begin the paperwork’s processing on your behalf, the below complete information’s would be required:

Full Name:
Age:
Full Contact/Postal Address:
Occupation:
Direct Phone Number:
Fax Number:

Your earliest response and decision to this detailed mail will be very much appreciated.

Your Partner,
W. S. H. Laidlaw.  


Are you a moron by birth or choice?  Re-read my prior response and get back to me with the reply I solicited.  


I do not understand your meaning.  Please kindly fill out the information's below so the attorney to begin the paperwork's processing on your behalf.




Okay, so you're a moron by choice.  I 'splained to you that I've had not much luck with these kind of schemes, and I asked if you had anything else to offer me.  It would appear from your replies that you do not.  Daring to assume that even an idiot like you can eventually figure out how to walk and chew gum at the same time, does that about sum up the gist of the conversation as had up to now?   


That apparently finally did  ;-)

The Joy Of Not Reading Well

One of my scammers -- Ms 'Sister' Joy Emma -- isn't terribly attentive.

My pet rock, Seymour, dealt with her in another account with an edit sure to make most 'sisters' sorta blush.

So it was my turn, in this account.

As a reminder, here's the opening part of her worn-out gambit I've seen probably a hundred times now in the past ten years:

Dearest in Christ,
>
> I am Sister Joy Emma.. from KUWAIT, I am married to Chief kamson Emma. He
> worked with KUWAIT embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in
> the year 2006 April 26. We were married for eleven years without a child. He
> died after a brief illness that lasted for only four
> days. When my late Husband was alive he deposited the sum of $15,000,000.00
> (Fiften million U.S. Dollars)in a Bank on my name as beneficiary of the fund
> here in Abidjan. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the
> next Eight months due to cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my
> stroke sickness.  

More often than not, the scammer -- or their handlers -- read a reply and decide then and there that they've drilled a 'dry hole'.  Sometimes, they keep drilling, hoping for something out of nothing.

Here's the 'dry hole' reply I sent back to the (not so) good Sister:


 Are you dead yet?  I hear those cancerous crotch crickets eat genitals at a rate of one-half-a-genital a day.  

Even Seymour was blushing at that reply.

"Was NOT!!!"

However, it didn't seem to bother too much the 'Sister':


I thank you so much for all you said but can you please let me tell you who i am because evil one have made us not to believe again but we must so that we can have what we need.

Coming for the money,this is my late husband money before his dead and also my condition here is very bad that is why i ask for your help if you know that yiou asist me just open up for me.

I will like you to from you let me tell you that i write you for the help of a sister here in the hospital that help me so before you reply this mail try and think about it very well.

Thanks and have a good day.
Mrs Sister Joy Emma 


Apparently the 'Sister' thinks I can be steered back to the path of God-fearing gullibility.  *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*  But I worded it in such a way to leave the point ambiguous, sorta:

I am gratified for your thanks for all that I said, not that it was much in a text-count kind of way.  It was a simple question.  But I digress.  Actually, I do believe I do know who you are and where the evil lies in the hearts of cancerous crotch crickets.  Therein was born and hatched the genesis of my reply.  Being a sister, I reckon you see what I just did there?

If I understood your closing question well -- "I will like you to from you let me tell you that i write you for the help of a sister here in the hospital that help me so before you reply this mail try and think about it very well" -- I think it is well that you grasp that I do understand well that which you seek and the underlining basis for that which you seeketh.  I hope this clarifies things betwixt us. 
 

 

For the moment, it didn't appear to clarify anything for the deteriorating Sister Of The Church of Hockey Puck:
 

 

I have read well all that you say and please My Dear I dont understood your mail for me to contact you is to talk about how to get this money transfer to your account if you know that you can not do that please do let me know.
Thanks and have a nice day. 
 

Understandance isn't necessarily requisite to achievance of your stated goals, Sister.  But to answer your generally specific question, yes I am able of receivance of that which you wish to sendeth.    Awaiting your disgust with modalities to begin that achievance.  In doing that which Him guideth, all things are possumbull, particularly herein.   I await your next. 

 

That reply drew what passes for a *face palm* from Seymour; but more of a hail mary from da Sistah:
 

 

 THANK AND GOD BLESS YOU  


Of course He does.  No thanks necessary.  I live but to serve. 


SEND ME THOSE YOUR INFORMATIONS SO THAT WE CAN START 

And which those my informations is it you needs to starts?  


Your Full Name................................
Address..........................................
Nationality..........................................
Age.....................................................
Sex.....................................................
Occupation..........................................
Tel & Fax No........................................
Mobile...................................................
A copy of your int'l passport or ID card............  

So what the horsefeathers...I had my character fill it out:

 

 

Your Full Name:  Same as my empty name...Ben Dover

Address:  No, I wear pants

Nationality:  Yes, I have one

Age:  Physical or mental?  It's an important distinction

Sex:  Whenever I can

Occupation:  With whenever I can have sex

Tel & Fax No:  Tel yes, fax no

Mobile:  Except when I'm sitting

A copy of your int'l passport or ID card:  is this an either/or?

 

 

IS ARE YOU HAVING JEST WITH ME?  THIS IS MOST SERIOUS MATTER PLEASE. 

 

 

Is are your grammar and spell check working?  This too is most serious matter.  

 

 

I AM NOT UNDERSAND YOU.  WHAT IS GOING ON PLEASE?  

 

 

I am not understand what you do not understand.  Your question is very broad-based and I'm sure you don't see what I just did there, but more off the point, what was it that you meant about "going on"?  Life?  Evolution?  Weather?  Another season of American Idol?  

Can you narrow your question to a specific topic? 

 

 

THIS TOO SERIOUS TO MAKE JEST OF PLEASE.  ARE YOU MAKE HABIT OF JEST A DYING SISTER? 

 

 

Not to be too disrespectful, but with you being the sister, aren't you the one with the habit?  Just saying.  Or do you wear that just to entice penguins in close for sex?  

 

 

And that was about all Sister Joy Emma could take in jest from Ben Dover.  Pity, too:  I hadn't yet gotten into the implications of the character's name...

Job Opening In Scamland

Wanted:  Someone who can proofread our email scams before we send them out.  Pay and benefits competitive at least in our neck of the woods.  We'd ask you to send a resume, but no one here can read it.

Which is what they might as well post for one internet café scam operation.

Here's the email I got that had me shaking my head:


On Wednesday, April 9, 2014 7:13 AM, Susanna lennar <silvio.giacchetta@alice.it> wrote:

THIS IS TO REMIND YOU THAT OUR ON GOING MASS DELIVERY WILL COME TO AN END ON 18TH APRIL 2014 AND WE WISH TO DELIVER ALL THE OLD DEPOSIT PACKAGES, TAKE NOTE THAT YOUR {consignment box} OF $7.5 USD WITH REG XQD7819-SC IS HERE FOR VERY LONG TIME NOW, THIS OFFICE HAS BEEN MANDATED FOR URGENT MASS DELIVERY AND YOU COULD BE AMONG THE LUCKY ONES WITH JUST $55.00 FEE, URGENTLY CONTACT THE MASS DELIVERY DIRECTOR WITH YOUR MASS DELIVERY PAYMENT INFORMATION.  

 

Do you see what they just did there?  They want me to send them $55 in return for a consignment box containing $7.5 USD.

 

Apparently Common Core math is flourishing in Scamland.

 

Instead of playing, I just decided to question their email math:

 

Why would I send you $55 USD for a box you said only contains $7.50 USD?  Here's another question for you while I'm at it:  are you morons by birth or choice? 

The incredible answer back is one for the books:

AMONT IS NOT  $7.5  WE CHOOSE HERE.  NOW IF YOU WANT YOUR CONSIGN BOX, HERE IS THE RECEIVER INFO

Receiver Name EMMA IWUNO
Country.:Benin Republic
City..:Cotonou
Question.: WHEN?
Answer.: TODAY
Amount......$55.00usd
MTCN: 

Ah, thanks for clearing that up so concisely.  The consignment isn't for $7.5 and you are morons by choice.  Fine.  So my first question still stands:  why would I send $55 for $7.5 USD, which is what you wrote and failed to correct with what it is?  

ARE YOU WANT CONSIGN BOX OR NOT PLEASE.

Not please.  But I will suggest that you run a want ad for a proofreader to both read what you receive, reply to and how you do so.  

YOU MUST SEND FEE FOR CONSIGN BOX SOONEST.  TIME UP IN APRIL 18. 

There you go again, more negative syntax.  Have a little proofreading, baby, have a little proofreading.  And you STILL haven't answered why I should send you $55 in return for $7.5? 

IT NOT $7.5!!!!!  (and the scammer went on to repeat the wiring information).

Okay fine...let's go another more usual route:

Fine.  The $55 is sent for whatever it is I'm getting in return. 

IF YOU SEND I NEED THE IMFORMATIONS I TELL YOU.


And what imformations were those?  


Receiver Name EMMA IWUNO
Country.:Benin Republic
City..:Cotonou
Question.: WHEN?
Answer.: TODAY
Amount......$55.00usd
MTCN:  


Yes, I used that imformations.  Just like you writ it. 


WHERE IS MTCN? 


The first two are abbreviation for Montana; the second two, maybe Connecticut, both in the USA.   What good will those do you?  


NO I NEED THE NUMBERS.  


Numbers run 0-9 and to infinity.  Take your choice since you choose.


WHAT ARE NUMBERS OF MTCN?  

Let's take him back to states again:


If it's area codes you want, you can choose to look those up yourself.  However, Connecticut uses 203, 475, 860 and 959.  Montana only uses 406.   Montana isn't greedy like Connecticut.


Stupid and frustrated makes an amusing combination:


WHAT IS THE NUMBERS OF MTCH?  IT IS 10 NUMBER PLEASE. 

You recall that I told him he needs a proofreader:

Who is Mitch and what numbers of his do you need?  

All I got back after that was a blank email response.  To which I replied See, if you had listened to me and hired yourself a proofreader, you wouldn't be asking for numbers for two states or a Mitch person you've probably never met.  

And nothing more after that.  Maybe they're working on hiring a proofreader.  Or figured out what it is they choosed to be...

 

The Reply I Cannot Post

Yes, that's right:  I cannot post the reply I sent this email scammer.

Really.

Well, I probably could.

But some politically correct yutz would complain to Blogger.  And with the current regime in charge of trying to undermine the US Constitution, they'd probably have the post pulled.  Oh yes...Obozo would do that.

So I won't post the reply I  sent to this email scammer.

But I reckon you can imagine it, once you read their scam mail:

On Tuesday, March 18, 2014 7:11 PM, Sgt. Abdul Kalam <abdul.kalam8@live.com> wrote:

Dear friend.

Please forgive me if i break into your privacy as it was done out of my desire to locate a trusted person who can guarantee me the trust need in this transaction.

Before I proceed, I want to Introduce myself. I am SGT. Abdul Kalam an American soldier, serving in the military with the army 3rd infantry division in Iraq but currently redeployed to Afghanistan. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have summed up courage to contact you as i hope you will be human enough not to betray me.

 I am seeking your kind assistance to move the sum of eight million United States dollars to you as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care since you are within presence of God until I complete my service here.

Some money in various currencies was discovered in barrels at a farmhouse near one of Saddam old palaces in Tikrit-Iraq during a rescue operation, and it was agreed by staff sgt Kenneth Buff and I that some part of this money be shared among both of us before informing anybody about it since both of us saw the money first.

This was quite an illegal thing to do, but I tell you what? No compensation can make up for the risk we have taken with our lives in this hell hole, of which my brother in-law was killed by a road side bomb last time. Http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British contact working here and his office enjoy some immunity, I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. He does not know the real contents of the package, and believes that it belongs to a British/American medical doctor who also died in an early morning raid here in Iraq, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his family in united states.

I have now found a secured way of getting the package out of Iraq to you, for you to pick up, and I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me, and I believe that my money will be well secured in your hand because you have fear of God. I want you to tell me how much you will take from this money for the assistance you will give to me. One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter with anybody, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please and please destroy this message as any leakage of this information will be too bad for us soldier here in Afghanistan.

I do not know how long we will remain here, especially now that The President Barrack Obama has notify the world of his interest in solving the crises in Syria and I have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God, this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help, I honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately.

YOURS FAITHFULLY
SGT. Abdul Kalam  

 

Oh, trust me:  I did reply immediately.

 

I just can't post the reply.  I reckon you know why  ;-)

Try Reading The Response Next Time...Dummy

Hello.  This h'yar is Miss Rose.  Or so she claims.

Not bad, eh?

I reckon from this picture you might deduce that life ain't too bad for Miss Rose, right?

Well...would you still feel that way if I told you that Miss Rose sent this picture from a refugee camp in Senegal?

Yeah...me too.

However, Miss Rose wants me to think differently.  And here's her initial effort to give me the business:


Dearest One,

I am Miss Rose Mathew young medical student from Sierra Leone in Africa and
presently i am residing in the refugee camp here in Senegal as a result of the
civil war going on in my country. I would like to go into a partnership with
you; it is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I intend to
establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe
one has to risk confident in succeed sometimes in life. There is this huge
amount US$17,000.000 (Seventeen Million United States Dollars) which my late
Father deposited on my name in the suspense account with one Bank before his
Death.

Now I have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe
enough outside Africa for security and political reasons. I want you to help me
claim and retrieve these fund from the Bank and transfer it into your personal
account in your country for investment purposes, since the money is deposited
in the suspense account I can not have access to the fund until it is
transferred out from the account that is why I am contacting you to assists me
and see that the Bank transfer the money into your personal account for to me
to leave this country and meet you over there.

I am honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

(1) To provide a bank account into which this money would be transferred to.
(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund.
(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my
education and to secure a resident permit in your country.

If you can be of assistance to me I will be pleased to offer you 10% of the
total fund, and again we are going to invest together and share what ever
profit we make together, I want you to get back to me as soon as possible so
that I will tell you what next step to take to enable us conclude this
transfer.

Please reply through this email: rosematthew2631@yahoo.com

I am waiting for your soonest response.
Yours Sincerely,

Miss. Rose Mathew 


Respond, I did.  With one of my usual edits:


I am Miss Rose Mathew young prostitute student from Sierra Leone in Africa and
presently i am residing in the refugee camp here in Senegal as a result of the
civil war going on in my country and the need for prostitutes to keep soldiers

on leave from raping the local goats. I would like to go into a partnership with
you; it is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I intend to
establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe
one has to risk confident in succeed sometimes in life.

 

In my prostitution time here I have made roughly $17,000.000 in West African

francs...not sure what that comes to in US dollars, but probably not that much.

 

Still, it beats what I was making as a waitress in a fly-infested internet café.

 

 Now I have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe
enough outside Africa for security and political reasons. I want you to help me
claim and retrieve these fund from the Bank and transfer it into your personal
account in your country for investment purposes, since the money is deposited
in the suspense account I can not have access to the fund until it is
transferred out from the account that is why I am contacting you to assists me
and see that the Bank transfer the money into your personal account for to me
to leave this country and meet you over there.

I am honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

(1) To provide me an out of country address I can use for my visa.
(2) To serve as my go-between with a gynecologist.
(3) To make arrangement for me to establish a thriving prostitution practice

in your country where I'm paid in dollars instead of these butt-wipe-valued

West African francs.

(4) I also need you to schedule me a vaginal rebushing, 'cuz these Senegalese

militia bastards are insatiable.

If you can be of assistance to me I will be pleased to offer you 10% of the
profits.  I might even spread for you at cost.  I want you to get back to me as

soon as possible so that I will tell you what next step to take to enable us

to set up a lucrative house of prostitution for me to work and run.   

 

 

It will become very apparent that Miss Rose did not bother to read what I dun to her email; she merely noted that I sent it back without 'saying anything'.  I think my edit said plenty.

 

But she didn't get the ideer from my edit, here's the not-too-lengthy back 'n forth that ensued betwixt her and the character I chose for this episode:

 

 

Hi Dear,

You did not say anything about helping me out.

I will waiting to hear from you.

From Miss Rose 

 

 

Well...what kind of help are you requiring there, Ma'am? 

Thank you very much for you mail and how was your last night? and how is business over there? Yes we have not communicated before and i want you to assure me that you will not going to run away with this money once the money is transfer in to your bank account because this is the only thing that my late father leave for me before his death.

Honestly, my day's is not so good since I came over here in Dakar-Senegal in this prison called refugee camp; we are only allowed to go out only on Mondays and Fridays of the weeks. It’s just like one staying in the prison and I hope by God's grace I will come out here soon.

I don't have any relatives now whom I can go to, all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war and I am confuse here in the camp, I don't know what to do anymore, I appeal to you for help so that I can come out of this situation to meet with you in your country to continue my education because I did not complete my education when the war take place.

I kept this as a secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend here because he is like a father to me.So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it.Remember i am giving you all this information due to my condition there.I like honest and understanding person, truthful, truth and hardworking.

This transaction is a 100% legal,i am confident of that and believe in little time you will see things yourself, Please try and know that this money is in the bank and all you need is to contact the bank and seek for an advice on how the money will be transferred into your account. I have already inform them my heart desire which they promise to help me if i get a reliable foreign partner that will be sincere.

You as my helper you will have nothing to regret.Please try and give me all your information's below so that i can give you the contact of the bank so that you can contact the bank for the transfer of this money to your bank account in your country.

YOUR FULL NAME------------------
YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS---------
YOUR PHONE NUMBER----------------
OCCUPATION-----------------------
YOUR NATIONALITY-----------------
YOUR AGE-------------------------

The above information will enable me to send a letter to the bank,This letter will allow them recognized you when you are acting on my behalf,Upon receiving this information i will send to you the contact of the bank so that you will contact them.

Note that all i have said are word of sincere,i am confident in this.I try to call you with the number that you give to me but is not going.Honey i am waiting for the above information from you so that I can give you the contact of the bank so that you can contact them for the transfer of the money.  

Dear Ms Rose, 

Here is the information you need from me.  I will do all that I can to help you. 

Yours,

Jack

 

YOUR FULL NAME------------------                 Jack N. Ewehoff
YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS---------      *** ******* Street  Central City CO 80427
YOUR PHONE NUMBER----------------           ***-***-****
OCCUPATION-----------------------                   Renewable Energy Scatology Research Analyst
YOUR NATIONALITY-----------------             American
YOUR AGE-------------------------                     41 

My love Jack.
Good morning to you and how was your last night over there? Honey i see the information you send to me thank for it and i have send it to the bank and tell them about you. One i hear from them i will let you know and send you the bank information so that you will contact them.  Honey please can you help me with any amount of money so that i can buy food stuff  cloth and ice cream,  Please i will be waiting to hear from you.   


Ice cream???  Okaayyyy:

It would be helpful to me to know exactly how much money you require, both immediately and in the immediate future.  And will it work best to send it in dollars, or do you need me to have it sent in a different denomination?   Let me know that and how you keep ice cream from melting there.   

 

 

She doesn't bother to say anything more about the ice cream:

My love Jack.
My love thank for you mail and please any amount that you can send to me to help me please so that i can buy food stuff cream and cloth like underwear, My love you can send it in dollars.

Here is the information,
Fist Name Rose,
Second Name. Matthew.
City Dakar.
Country Senegal.

Please one you send the money you let me know and send the information to me so that i can go and pict it please i try the number that you send to me but is not going please put the code.  

 

Right-o, Ms Rose.  I'll get some money together and out to you in the next couple days.

You can count on that.  I like ice cream too.

Jack   

 

 

My love Jack.

Thank for your mail and and how was your last night over there? My love please am waiting as you promise that you will send me the money. And once i hear from the bank i will let you know and send you the bank contact so that you can contact them.  I will be waiting to hear from you.  

 

 

As luck would have it, I get paid today, so I will be able to wire you some money later today.  I'll use the information you gave me to wire it to.  Hang in there and soon there'll be ice cream!  

 

 

Thank for your mail and and how was your last night over there? My love please am waiting as you promise that you will send me the money. And once i hear from the bank i will let you know and send you the bank contact so that you can contact them.  

 

 

Will $700 or so be enough to help you get ice cream?  

My love i told you that any amount that you send then i can manage it. Please help with any one that you can send and once you send it you send me the information ok.  

 

 

Okay....later today I will be wiring you about 700.  Hope you find it enlightening.  Don't let your ice cream melt.  

 

 

Please can you send  me the information that you use and send the money. or you scan the payment slip and send to me,  please i will be waiting for the sending information from you. like senders name question and answer and control number.
I will be waiting to hear from you.  

 

 

Okay...she's ignored the ice cream comments after bringing it up herself, so now's the time to send her 700 in the form of seven of these attached to the email:

 

You scream, I scream, and now she'll scream for ice cream...NOT:

 

 

Ms Rose, I believe in expedience here, so I am sending you the information attached to this email.

You may download, print and cash this 700 with my compliments.   Ice cream for all! 

 

 

Miss Rose, the Baskin Robbins 30 some-odd flavors falling from her eyes at last, is not amused:

 

 

f*** u and yr ice crem!! 

 

 

Sorry, I just cain' hep myself h'yar:

 

 

That'll just make it melt faster, Rosie. 

 

 

Needless to say, I didn't put her in a Good Humor here...*ducking boos and throwd little wooden ice cream spoons....*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gullibility Not Limited To Scam Victims

This has to be read to be believed.  And for more reasons than the obvious.

As this email scam unfolds, you'll see that I am dealing with not only an email scam 'rocket scientist' (not)...I may actually be dealing with a domestically-located scammer who I exposed to his local police in '10, in Ohio.  On that occasion, he claimed to work for the local CIA office in his town (the given address was to an industrial manufacturing business there, which I called and found still quite in business, with no "on site CIA office" to be found.

Better still...during that scambait, I actually talked the scammer into giving me his mailing address, to which I sent a "certified check" which was many things, but negotiable tender wasn't one of 'em.

Which to my delight he received, 'cuz I got a particularly snot-nosed response about it.

*TOING*

At any rate, on that occasion, I notified his local police, and provided them with all the emails we'd exchanged..and they chose not to follow up.

Their explanation:  "since he didn't scam you, no crime was committed".

Perhaps they had a rash of cats to rescue out of trees that month.  Eh.

I kept his email address in my files, and tweaked him with other email scam edits, once in a while getting a "who ARE you?" quip, but little else.

If you'd like to revisit that four part scambait, go here, here, here and here.

But now...it appears he might be back, and testing one of my characters he wasn't familiar with.

As you'll see, his test-taking qualities of observation FAIL.

So here is how the whole thing comes down...and this is a lesson in how some scammers are, if not desperate to score, they're more gullible than they hope their victim is.  As usual, the scammer comments are in bold, and my character's responses in italics:


Attn.
I am in United State of America to deliver a consignment package by HSBC BANK, London to you.
Nature: Silver Brief Case Consignment.
Other Content: International Fund's Approval Documents.
Destination Now: Maryland, USA
Direct Number: 301 660 2047

REQUIREMENT
(1) The Nearest Airport To Your Destination
(2) Your Indentification of Any Kind (Driver's Licence, Passport or Official ID Card)

I will give you the flight details before I proceed to your location.
Text or call for further advise.
For Nationa-Wide Courier
Rev. Michael Appleton 


"Funds delivery"?  What the hell "funds" are you talking about? 


Yes, your fund's delivery from HSBC Bank, London. Get back urgently or call me asap.

 

Fine.  Fly into DIA (Denver International Airport).  Rent a vehicle.  Drive out of the airport to I-70 east bound...follow the signs to Burlington, CO.  Take the first exit off the highway and go south 10 miles.  I'm in the first house on the right. 

 

 

We need your full residential or shipment address and a scanned copy of your Identification. We did not request for description from you sir.
Text or call for further advise.

 

If you're flying to my location -- you specifically asked for the nearest airport to me -- that's what I gave you.  That and directions on how to find me.  What the f**k else do you need?  I mean, you say you have a consignment to deliver to me, right?  So...I've told you how to do that.  You want to get paid for the delivery, right?  I have the cash on hand.  You contacted me...I'm telling you how to successfully complete the delivery. 



We need your full residential or shipment address and a scanned copy of your Identification. We did not request for description from you sir.

My street address, if that's what you're wanting, is (the street address for the local county airport of a small border town in Eastern CO).

Here's my DL.  (which is a copy of a bogus one I use with scammers when they insist on one)

 

(so after a few hours, I follow up with this)

 

 

So when can I expect you?  I've got a farm to run and can't sit around all day waiting on you. 

 

 

(after this draws no response, I dog them further)

 

 

What the hell...did you get LOST or something?  I told you specifically how to find me. 

 

 

Attn. Mr. Ben,
If you think I am joking or playing games then your be a very unserious joker. When you are ready for me delivery then you get serious and get me what I need. You have 24 hours to do so as I am about rounding up my duty here and go back.

 

 

 

I gave you what you need to deliver the so-called consignment.  Right now, I don't believe you because you're acting very unprofessional and petulant.  Any authentic delivery I've ever been contacted about would have taken what I gave you, delivered the consignment, and received payment for their time and effort.  If you want to make the delivery and receive payment for having delivered it, you will follow the directions I gave you.  Otherwise, you may put your unprofessional, inept ass back on a plane and return to wherever it is you climbed out of.  I have no time for pompous dumbasses. 

 

 

(you'll notice he likes to repeat himself)

 

 

If you think I am joking or playing games then your be a very unserious joker. When you are ready for me delivery then you get serious and get me what I need. You have 24 hours to do so as I am about rounding up my duty here and go back.

(more dogging him time)

 

 

your fly is open. 

 

 

(that draws no response, so I follow up with waving the carrot before the donkey...)

 

 

Funny thing about this...had you actually been professional and MADE THE DELIVERY, your fee would have been paid IN CASH.  You're a fool for being such an unprofessional yutz. 

 

 

(then I follow up with a comment that should have put an end to the exchange...I use a term most overseas scammers recognize as 'they're onto us':  the Nigerian word for "big fool", mugu)

 

 

Opportunity WASTED  ;-)  Your boss must consider you quite the mugu. 

 

 

(And that should be that...but it ain't):
 

 

Attn. Mr. Ben,
This are the information we need immediately:-
(1) The Nearest Airport To Your House
(2) Your Complete Shipment Address with Zip Cde, City
(3) A Copy of your identification
(4) Your Direct Cell Phone Number

Once we receive that, we shall proceed with delivery. I have completed all protocols to make the delivery a success.  

I'll get back to you later today with all particulates.  (aka, game on).

 

 

(so I give him a new made-up address in a new town east of the original one, using the county airport outside of the original one as my nearest airport, and the moron buys it)
 

 

 

We have tried booking a flight but has been told there is nothing like Bethune Airport in Burlington. Please what is the name of the airport and it code? Eg; Baltimore Airport in Maryland is BMD. Cleveland Airport in Ohion is CLE and John Kenedy in NY is JFK.

Please give us precise information and deviate from giving us incomplete information.

Waiting to hear from you.
 

 

 

My bad...it's called the Kit Carson County Airport, just south of Burlington, CO (ROX)

Bethune is the town I live in, which is just west of Burlington.  This is the closest airport to me. 
 

 

 

We couldn't get a direct flight from my location to Burlington, CO hence we are coming through Denver, CO and bellow is my flight details.
US Airways
Flights 2870 / 1861
Flight 2870 operated by US AIRWAYS EXPRESS-MESA AIRLINES
1 Stop
Depart: 5:57 PM
Cleveland, OH (CLE)
Arrive: 9:55 PM
Denver, CO (DEN)
Connect in: Charlotte
Total Travel Time: 5 hrs 58 mins
Airport Address: 8500 Peña Blvd  Denver, CO 80249, United States
Phone Number: (303) 342-2000
My Ohone Number: 301 660 2047

You can call the airport for any inquiries you may wish to make concerning the flight.

You are going to be responsible for the Non Inspection Fee of the shipment which is calculated at the rate of $655 and payable to out protocols officer here through information bellow:
Name: William Oberschlake (and here's my '09 *TOING*)
Location: Cleveland - Ohio, USA.
Western Union or Money Gram is acceptable.

See you later and hope you keep a nice champaign for me.

 

 

So, am I to meet you in Denver?  (now we really start to play)
 

 

 

Attn. Mr. Ben,

I have been expecting your calls. You are not coming to Denver to meet me except you want to sir. I will proceed to your destination and delivery but the only thing you need to do is be at home to pay for the cap, taxi that will bring me.

Send the fee today accordingly and get back at me with required information.

 

(he ain't very familiar with a map of Colorado, is he?  A taxi from DIA to Bethune?  BWHAHAHAHAHAHA)
 

 

So that I am sure I understand:

 

You are flying to Denver

I am not to meet you in Denver but you'll travel to my place in Bethune.  Via taxi?  Yowza.

I am to wire some money to a William Oberschflake in Cleveland, OH.   Who is he? 
 

 

 

Let us know so we can rebook the flight.

You are going to be responsible for the Non Inspection Fee of the shipment which is calculated at the rate of $655 and payable to out protocols officer.  He is our protocols officer.
 

 

 

Well, if you need to actually make the delivery at my address, then I will be at my address when you arrive.  You did keep my address and directions to Bethune, CO, right?  I will get this $665 sent to Mr. Oberschflake as soon as possible by the means at hand. 
 

 

 

(since he don't know I still have the physical mailing address for this character in Ohio, he doesn't question what I mean by the "means at hand")

 

 

 

Attn. Mr. Ben,

It was nice talking to you.

We have your address (one I made up in Bethune). If your phone mobile? Can you receive a text message. If so text me and I will reply. If not I will try and call you early this morning. Endeavor to send the fee this morning to enable me complete the delivery. Once I hear from you I will reconfirm the flight/arrival schedule to you.

 

I understand that I am responsible for the fee of $655?  Yes.  That phone number is not a mobile one, and it's not a text msg kind.  It's a standard land line telephone.  I have not yet been willing to get a cell phone; my computer's email program is quite adequate for texting for me.

 

Mr. Oberschflake should be receiving the fee shortly.  I will advise you when I expect he has it. 
 

 

 

And how WILL he be receiving "the fee"?  Via USPS, just like he received the 'certified check' in '09.

 

And what IS "the fee" he'll be receiving?  Well...I can't make change for $655/665, but I don't mind paying a bonus with seven of these:

 

Along with the 'fee', he'll receive this hand-writ note from none other than hisself, Ben Dover, (substandardly played by my pet rock, Seymour........."PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!")
 

 

 

Mr. William Oberschflake
(his street address & city in Ohio)
Re: Rev. Michael Appleton's delivery 'fee'

Esteemed and sauteed Sir,

Here is the 'fee'. I've even included a bonus: you asked for $665, I'm giving you an even $700. The script is legal tender....up your ass.

Enjoy! 

And now, we wait....*Jeopardy Theme*  But not long, as the good 'Rev' et al starts getting antsy:


I am still waiting to hear from you. Has the fee been sent? What's going on? I was suppose to have completed this delivery before today sir. 

 

 

No worries, sir.  The payment is on its way to the protocol man.



What method are you using to send the fee? 

A tried and true method that never fails, Rev.  You will shortly be graced with the fee payment.  


And then, the expected word...and just about what I expected from what I sent to the 'agent' via snail mail who suddenly finds Ben Dover knows where he lives:


Attn. Mr. Ben,

Our agent has received the fee you sent. Just what kind of sh** are you try to pull?  These are not real.  



This will be a pleasurable response:


Who, me pull sh**?  My fee payment is every bit as real as your delivery, Rev.  But what should be of more concern for you and your protocol agent....does your protocol agent find it interesting that I knew WHERE to send the delivery via the USPS?  He should...he and I have crossed paths before.  Then, he was acting as agent for faux CIA agent Hector Graig.  Ring a bell, William?

I'm sure it does, William.  At any rate...it's enough that you/he know that you/he is found. 

So...when can I expect you in Bethune, Rev/William?  


Rev. Michael Appleton/W. Oberschflake couldn't resist squeezing in one last salvo:


Your the most stupid man on earth.


Some would agree with this, seeing as how I've corresponded with a moron mugu like you all this time.  But then, who got the 'scream' dollars, hmmmmm? 


That seemed to close the latest chapter in Scamdumbville.

Except that I have his opening gambit email in another account....  ;-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Dream Of...Scam?

I had no thought of this old classic 60s TV show -- I Dream Of Jeannie -- until I saw who sent me my latest email scam.  An improbably-named scammer who called himself.....Anthony Nelson.

*TOING*

Here's a portion of his opening gambit, which he claimed was not the first time he'd tried to contact 'me':

MANAGING PARTNER

ANTHONY EKE-NELSON, ESQ

Berkshires House

168-173 High Holborn,

London WCIV 7AA

United Kingdom.

703-198896

7040118883

NOTIFICATION OF REQUEST

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Phillip Randall; I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter returned undelivered. I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address on the WILL. I wish to notify you that late Engr. Phillip Randall made you a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Eight  Million One Hundred Thousand Dollars (USD$8,100.000.00) to you in the codicil and last testament to his WILL.

This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good. Until his death was a member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. He had a very good heart and loved to give out.

Yada, yada...yada. 

Of course, "Major" Nelson -- after a five year run -- went on to become famous for being a very different character in another popular TV series, Dallas.  One that's been resurrected this year (and I have no idea how it's doing, but I digress).

Anyway, I doubted that the scammer -- or his peers and colleagues I copied in the rewrite -- would much fathom the TV show history I was referencing here.  Or, for that matter, some of the dubious political personages I managed to work in.  But it was fun to play with, anyway:

From: Anthony Nelson <aeknelsn@hotmail.com>
To:
Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 9:25 AM
Subject: NOTIFICATION

ANTHONY EKE-NELSON, MAJOR

NASA

c/o Berkshires House

168-173 (Very) High Holborn,

London WCIV 7AA

United Kingdom.

703-198896

7040118883

NOTIFICATION

Okay, so you've recognized my name.  If you're old enough, you remember me from a TV show in the 60s, before I went on to be an asshole oil baron in Texas.  Which couldn't of happened if my 'genie' wife hadn't suddenly hit her PMS cycle and tried to send me where not even Captain Kirk had gone before...or since.

Damn, Babs, what was up with THAT?  You went Rachel Maddow on me and all I'd asked for was a little "kinky blinky".

But I digress, after I got back from where her "blinky" sent me.

Anyway, after her PMS-fueled snit, Babs packed up the bottle and now is gawd-only-knows-where.  And I'm technically no longer a major with NASA, though I rather liked the title and the chicks it got me when Babs wasn't turning them into Debbie Wasserputz-Schultz or Nancy 'Bela' Pelosi.

Anyway, when I'm not being an asshole oil baron in Texas, doing a remake of a show from more than 25 years ago, I am a practicing atturkey on behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Phillip Randall. 

What, you say, you haven't heard of Phillip Randall?  Frankly, neither had I until this scam...er...this endeavor was placed before me for processing.  I wish to notify you that the late Engr. Phillip Randall -- late, not because his Rolex ran slow, but late because he's DAID -- made you a beneficerary to his WILL.  He left you Eight Million One Hundred Thousand crotch crickets and the deed to his crotch cricket ranch, in the codicil and last testament to his WILL.

This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is a massaged fact in Hollyweird that virgin goats are Sean Penn's best friend.  Returning from that aside, Mr. Randall apparently being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his simian friends who pointed out your picture from a line-up we had in Nigeria six months ago. Until his death he was a member of the Chris Matthews Leg Tingles Society and the Institute of Enema and Vaginal Cigar Humidor Engineers. He had a very perverse sexual interest in sodomy with animals and loved to give out.

His great philandering earned him numerous warrants for his arrest during his life time before he died on the 13th day of July, 2012 at the age of 80 years, and his WILL is now ready for execution, since he managed to escape it.

According to Major Healy -- perhaps you remember him as well -- this deeding of the crotch cricket ranch is to support the furtherance of the rights of crotch crickets to have homes with such inclined people like Sandra Fluke.  

Please if I reach you this time as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as possible to enable me conclude my job, so I can go back to being an asshole oil baron in Texas, before my conniving brother, Bobby, pulls some sh** on me.   I'd swear he's in cahoots with Babs, but that can't be, since I'm not suddenly standing in traffic, wearing only a jockstrap, in San Freakcisco.

I hope to hear from you in no distant time through the email address below.

Awaiting my chance to bend you over,

Bannister (Major) Anthony Eke-Nelson

anthonyeken@globomail.com <anthonyeken@globomail.com>

PS:  if you find a colorful, funny-shaped bottle lying on a beach, do NOT open it!!!

None of the scammer recipients responded to this rewrite.  It is possible that they were unfamiliar with the contents therein.

Or that 'Babs' sent them on a 'kinky blinky' of their own...someone might want to warn the sheep in the Falkland Islands...