Reading, Writing, 'Rithmetic...All Lacking

It's mooo bad that my next scammer couldn't captivate me the way she captivated the herd.

You can tell that they're udderly fascinated.

Moissis Mark...one of the dumber bulbs in email scamdom.  And he proves it repeatedly.

He started with a simple email scam about online loans.  He sent it to two of my scambaiting accounts.

In both cases, I played him from each account, using the same character.

He never got it.

But you'd figure that out in short order with him, when you see what I did to his original email:


We suck.  Let us prove it to you.  Apply to us now, we offer nothing worth a sh*t at 3%

NAME (yours or someone you don't like much): .....................................
Amount of whatever you think we gots to loan: ............................
Masturbation or just hand jive: .................................
Porpoise or dolphin: ..........................
Age when you first realized that sh*t and chocolate were not the same: ......................................
Address or lederhosen: ..................................
Country or urban sprawl: ..................................
Phone or carrier pterodactyl: .............................
What do you do when you're not picking lint out of your ass: ...............................
Monthly period or other grammar things: ...........................
Do you speak English ......................

Why don't you speak Sengalese .............................

If you could have sex with Sandra Fluke or a goat, why do you choose the goat ..................

If you democrat, why were you not aborted .................................

In 100 words or less of a language we can read, tell us what Melissa Harris Perry can do with her tampons ....................

 

 

His response to that was to send me the same original email AGAIN.  So, I tried a second edit:

 

 

Allllllllll Aboarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!
We are now boarding a special train we call the Mugu Express To Zimbabwe!

And we need MUGUS to put their asses in every seat possible!

Will you be my MUGU?

Pretty PUH-LEASE????

 

If you'll be my MUGU, I will buy your ticket!

Please fills out the informations bellow if you'll be my MUGU:

 

 

NAME: .....................................
AGE: ......................................
ADDRESS: ..................................
COUNTRY: ..................................
PHONE: .............................
OCCUPATION: ...............................
MONTHLY INCOME: ...........................
Do you speak English ......................

Do or don't you know what Mugu means .....................

 

If you won't be my MUGU, f**k you and everyone who looks like me.

 

Moissis Mark

Mugu Master

Zimbabwe Sucks Travel Agency
unitedbankofafrica.uba.loan@gmail.com

"And You Think Detroit Sucks?"

 

 

And his response to this?

 

 

go and make the payment of 5
$500 

 

 

And with that, we're back and forth:

 

 

And to whom would I make this payment of 5 $500? 

To the managing director, you are to scan and send the copy of the
payment slip to this email:moissismark@gmail.com 



Why sure...anything for a pal.  

 

 

To the managing director, you are to scan and send the copy of the
payment slip to this email:moissismark@gmail.com

 

 

Did you get the payment slip?  Do you require further payment slips? 

 

 

(you'll note it appears my scammer is locked in a Ground Hog Day stupid loop)

To the managing director, you are to scan and send the copy of the
payment slip to this email:moissismark@gmail.com 

 

 

So I sent you the slip.  What now, genius? 

GOOD DAY, we just want to inform you that the management is still
waiting for your payment slip.

pls fill the below in-order for the payment slip to be view properly

NAME    Moissis MarkCOUNTRY   UKAMOUNT  $1995QUESTION  WhatANSWER   The F**k
SENDER  Ben DoverRECEIVER Moissis Mark's vagina 


As you noted, I filled out his questions.  His response:


Thanks for your co-operation, the management require the payment code
and every details in the payment slip since they are unable to view
it,

Note you are to tick the following name below:

WESTERN UNION..........
MONEY GRAM........ 


It was sent Western Union. 



Thanks for the mail, all we are asking for now is the western union
code for verification. hope to hear from you soon 


Is this soon enough?  What western union code, please? 



pls fill the below in-order for the payment slip to be view properly

NAME......................................
COUNTRY.................................
AMOUNT.................................
QUESTION................................
ANSWER..................................
SENDER..................................
RECEIVER...............................
SECURITY CODE............................ 


what is security code please? 



pls fill the below in-order for the payment slip to be view properly

NAME  Moissis Mark
COUNTRY  NigeriaAMOUNT  $500QUESTION  VasANSWER   Das Phokk
SENDER  Ben Dover
RECEIVER  Moissis Alou
SECURITY CODE   morse? 


As you can see, I answered him.  Next:



GOOD_DAY, we are still unable to receive your payment, pleas give use
the correct details,
You are to notify this office with a scan copy of your payment slip and also,

send the following information to our office via e-mail as they appear on the

payment slip.

Information Needed
1. Sender First/Last Name.....................................
2. Country..............................................................
3. Money Transfer Control Number (M.T.C.N).............
4. Amount Sent.......................................................

Note:
1. Please, provide us with a scan copy of your driver's license or
international

passport for proper verification as real lucky winner of the fund.  


"real lucky winner of the fund"?  This was supposed to be a loan scam!  I do love it when scammers confuse their victims, identities and scams.


 

I already sent you the scanned copy of the payment.  But if you insist, I'll send it again.

 

Sender's first and last name is me, you dummy.  You know...me.

Country is USA

MTCN is ten digits and is on scanned slip.

Amount sent is what you insisted upon:  $500

As to being "real lucky winner of the fund", HUH? 



we are unable to view the copy you send to us because it is too small,
you need to enlarge it so we can view  the MTCN properly .hope to hear
from you soon . 


I put enzyte on it and it didn't help.  Works for Bob, but not for the receipt.  How do I enlarge it?  



can you copy the MTCN on the slip to us 


Yes, I can do that.  Would you like it copied in italics, bold, kanji script, cyrillic, or roman numerals, and when would you like it? 


we need that now 


Don't you just HATE when they ignore the questions and try to speed things along?


Oh...okay.  Coming up.  


 we need that now pls  


The number you request is ten digits in length, and is listed on the receipt under Money Transfer Control Number? 



yes.  why u make this hard.  i dont get you 

I don't see why not.  I sent you the receipt.  The number you want is on there.  I fail to understand why I need to send it to you.  But I will if you insist. 

 

 

but we can not found anything here 

 

 

whaddaya mean, you can not found anything there.  I sent it!  I have the receipt. 

yes we insist you send the mtch now 


always fun to capitalize on their typos:

what is the mtch?  I thought you wanted the mtcn?  I am confused. 

 

 

why don't you send the mtcn number on the slip to us, just type the
number  and send it to us 

 

 

Why didn't you say so?  The number is 31 when added together. 

are you sending the mtcn of not ? 


I just sent you that it's 31 in total.  Why, do you need each of the numbers?  



  we dont get pls 

What don't you get?  The number equals 31.  There are ten numbers that together equal 31.  How hard is that to understand? 

 

 

we need the ten digit of  the MTCN 

 

 

ohhh...you want the individual digits!  Okay 

 

 

After a few minutes, I send him the made-up mtcn...in Spanish numbers.  I quickly learn he doesn't like that:

 

in your ear well well

 

 

I thought you wanted the numbers...you want my ear now? 

 

 

ewa 

 

 

can't make out what it is you want.  You want the numbers, an ear or an ewa? 

u done. 


Oh goodie!  Can I go now? 


no did not, why dont you just send the number why all game? 

What..you're not Spanish? 

 

 

prik

What have you got against Spanish? 


Alas, I'll never get to know what Moissis Mark has against Spanish.  Say Laguerre.  La vie.  Whatever.  

Susan Loans...And Moans

Yes, this much here can be YOURS, for ONLY 3% interest for the life of the loan!

It is to laugh.

I will give this scammer credit:  since first contacting me -- now on three different email addresses -- 'she' has created a sorta-kinda-eh, mebbe- credible web site for her scam loan company.

Of course, you know it HAS to be a scam loan company; it's based in....*drum roll*.......Nigeria.

The company is Susan Loan Services.  Or at least, that's what a fly-infested internet cafe in Nigeria is calling itself.

Their email starts out simple, like so many other online loan scams:  Do you need a loan to pay off your debt or start a business?loan offer at 3% interest rate,contact us if you are interested in a loan.

And that's all there is to it:  you hit 'reply' and inquire.  And her next email lays it out for you:

Dear Applicant, 

 Thank you for selecting us in meeting your financial requirements.We are a registered private lender, we give out loans to various people all over the world. We give out Agricultural Loan, Auto Loans,Student Loan, Mortgage Loan, Personal Loan, Business Loan, Home equity Loan, Debt Consolidation Loan and other good reason, we also give out loans from the range of 1,000 – 10,000,000 (Dollars, Euros or Pounds) at 3% interest rate. Duration of 1- 30 years depending on the amount you need as loan.

Qualifications:

The Borrower must be above 20 years of age.

The Loan can be granted even with low credit

There is no pre-payment penalty.

You do not need a Co-signer

APPLICATION FORM:

Full Name:

Age:

Sex:

Next of kin (Name in Full):

Email:

Phone:

Mobile or Cellular:

Monthly Income:

Home Address:

Country:

Occupation:

Loan Amount:

Loan Duration:

Purpose of loan:

The above data information must be filled accordingly and submitted to us for proper processing of your loan request.

Thanks And God Bless

 Mr. Roland Gabriel.

So naturally I filled out the application...once as Ben Dover, and once as U. R. Phulovit (since I received the same offer across three different email addresses).  From the third one I'm preparing an 'edit' that I am sure will please Susan Loan Service so much, she'll include it on her website 'Testimonial' page.

Not  ;-)

And of course, once the application is 'accepted' -- Susan Loan Services accepts 100% of applicants LOL -- 'she' follows up with an email, requesting a modest fee for processing.  For U. R. Phulovit -- who requested $35,000 to fix his pet gerbil's platypus feet (yes, they do ask what the purpose of the loan is for, but apparently don't care) -- the processing fee is a modest $200, to be Western Unioned ASAP to:

NAME:Susan Lee
COUNTRY:Italy
Town:Rome
AMOUNT:$200


But Susan and her scam buddies got confused, 'cuz as you'll see in the upcoming exchanges, another name and location for the Western Union emails will surface.

 

An online lending service in Nigeria has me pay the $200 fee to a 'woman' in Rome, Italy?  Ya gotta love this scammer.  Granted, 'she' - 'they' - 'whomever' can say to send it ANYWHERE.  'Cuz if it's really sent, a Western Union MTCN is all that's needed to collect it, anywhere Western Union is.

So, U. R. Phulovit is now doing the "it'll be wired early next week" routine, while my other playing character -- Ben Dover -- just sent in his application.  Which I am sure will be accepted, because Ben's need for $350,000 is much more plausible than a mere "gerbil foot exchange".

Ben needs $350,000 to open up a piranha genital rebushing clinic.  Really.  Better still: whoever 'reviews' the applications and reasons for the loans, apparently doesn't care about any of it, other than that someone replied.


Rather than try to keep you up with the email salvos between the scammer and both of my characters, we'll now just focus on the key emails between Ben Dover and 'Susan Loans', or whomsoever it is I'm bantering with.  What you'll see now are several days' worth of exchanges, as they went back and forth.  Enjoy:



In regards to your mail note that you are to send to us a valid copy of your identification card or send to us the details on the card as stated below,also provide to us details of your account where you want the loan funds to be transferred to.   Regarding your selected option which is bank-to-bank wire transfer note that the charges on it which is the cost of insurance and transfer fee of $200 should be sent to us via Western Union with the details of our accountant in charge of payment with his information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)

Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.

Country: Nigeria

Text Question to use: TO

Text Answer to use:  US

Amount to send: $200

(see what I mean about where to send and to whom?)

There will be a one day delay in my sending the $200 fee; I had an unexpected expense this weekend, but I get paid at work tomorrow, and will have no problem wiring the fee on Tuesday, May 14.  And I see I have new wiring instructions and a different person to send to.  Eh...long as it gets where it needs to.

 In regards to your mail note that we shall be waiting on your payment of the $200 tomorrow and in this main time kindly get back to us with your identification card or the information on it and also your banking information (Provide the information below).

BANK INFORMATION:

Account Holder Name:     Ben Dover

Bank Name:                     Westminster Bank PLC

Account Number:              **********

Swift Code/ Routing Number:   *********

IDENTIFICATION CARD INFORMATION:

Identity card Number:   **-***-****

Type of Identity card:    DL

Name in the Identity card:  Ben Dover

Issue date and expiry date:   2-09/2-14

D.O.B:    2-29-76

Residential Address:   *** ********* St  Central City CO 80427

Waiting for the above information today and the payment tomorrow so that everything can be completed.

I will wire the funds tomorrow without fail.

Good morning to you,this is to inform you that we will be expecting the payment information from you today and also which to inform you that your identification and banking information have been received, In regards to the payment of the $200 note that you are to use the details of our accountant in charge of payment and effect the payment to us using Western Union with the information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)

Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.

Country: Nigeria

Text Question to use: TO

Text Answer to use:  US

Amount to send: $200

I will be running errands this morning and picking up my pay from my employer at 11am my time; after that, I will go to Western Union and attend to this.  I'll email you confirmation afteward.

Hope all is well, Why the delay in the payment? We have been waiting for the payment as promised because you said from 11am you will be sending the payment and now i believe it's about 3pm there and we haven't gotten a mail from you in regards to the payment, Please get back to us about this now if you have sent the payment or not and if yes get back to us with the payment receipt and information of the payment receipt.

I am most apologetic for the delay.  Yes, the $200 was wired at noon my time from Western Union, to the person and location you instructed.   I thank you again for the loan.

 

Thanks for the mail, If the payment have been made kindly please send to us the below information and the payment receipt.

You have all this information, since I copied verbatim what you asked me to use.  Please refer back to your instruction email prior to my making the payment.

 If you said you have sent the payment as instructed kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Get back to us with the below information to confirm that you have sent the payment so that we can proceed.

Ma'am, I used the information you asked for, and sent it to that information as instructed.

Please kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Oh...there are 10 numbers.  Which one does he need?

Yes send to me the MTCN which is the 10 number, Send the 10 numbers to us now. the complete 10 numbers.

Fine.  The complete 10 numbers together total 79 (not really, but no one said I hadda be able to add for scammers).

Send to us the MTCN which is 10 digit only. It's 10 numbers and not 79... Why telling me nonsense? Please send to me the receipt of your payment if you have made the payment really.

What nonsense?  You asked me for the ten numbers together.  They equal 79!  I added them up!  Now, if you want me to send you the receipt, I will need your regular, not email address...I'll have to send it to you overseas air mail, because my scanner is not working right.  If I try to scan it to you, I don't know that you can read it.

Is overseas airmail okay?

Send to us the number which is written as the MTCN(Money Transfer Control Number) it's just 10 digit only and want you to send it to us via email, we do not accept payment of the insurance/transfer fees receipt sent to us via airmail because it's the receipt of payment.

Send to us the 10 digit you see near where it's written MTCN.

Hell, why didn't you say so?  It's 0995487893.  Is that all you need?

This MTCN you sent to us is not valid, Please track on your payment yourself on the Western Union site

That's impossible, Susan.  I read you the actual 10 numbers right off the receipt.

Okay, Send to us the country you sent it to and the sender's name used as also show on the reciept of payment.

 

I just sent that to you.  Your accountant in Nigeria.

What's the sender's name used? For God sake you are sending me wrong information, Send to me the sender's name used to send the $200.

The sender's name?  What the f**k...that's ME!!!  I'm the sender!  You know...Ben Dover?  I'm the sender!  And my country is the USA.  America?

Send to us the payment receipt and check correctly if the MTCN you sent is correct because the one you gave me is not correct.

This is so unreal.  I went...me, myself...went to Western Union.  I...me...wired you $200.  I..here..have the receipt.  My Western Union number-generating phone app itself gave me the number.  So I am at a loss here.  The money is there.  Just as you instructed it to be.  I should have sent it to the Marx Brothers (ettu, Indiana Jones?). 

Give to me your phone number now let me call you now.

Okay...my number is ***-***-**** (which is my actual voice mail, currently with me imitating a sorta chinese).

I am calling it's on voicemail, Pick up the calls now. 

Voicemail?  I am sitting here and my phone hasn't rung yet.  Try again.

It's still on voicemail, You give me a call now. +234 805-379-1036. 

Well if its on voicemail, then leave me a message and I'll get back to you.  Isn't that how voicemail works?  Dang, do I have to think of everything here? 

Ogun kill me, Send me the correct MTCN now. 

I can't call you overseas from this number; I had to put an overseas block on it, because my pet rock ran up $750 in calls to Liechtenstein last December.   Who is ogun?  (Seymour insisted in getting in on this in a cameo role).

Ogun kill you, Send me the correct MTCN now.  

Ogun kill me?  What'd I do?  And back to my first question...who the f**k is Ogun?  

Man send me the correct information, I have other things to do, If you are in need of this loan seriously send to me a copy of the payment receipt by snapping it with your phone 

(he doesn't know I'm about the only person left in the world without a cell phone...)

This makes no sense!  I snapped it with my phone and it only krinkled the paper.  What did that accomplish?

And who the f**k is Ogun?

Send me the correct MTCN now 

I did!  And who the f**k is Ogun?

At this point, I think the dude is totally unstrung, 'cuz what he/she/it writes next looks like a scammer completely off their scam template:

Guy i need box i need box to take bomb o, Which box u dey use, make we forget this matter make we talk work 

Now you speak to me in ooga booga riddles?  Ogun want to kill me by bomb my box?  Who the f**k is Ogun?

Stop play with us, If you made payment please send us the correct information. If not forget it. 

I swear, Susie, you run a most disorganized loan service.  You can't pick up a simple Western Union, you have people who can't type or spell, and who want Ogun to kill them and me -- who the f**k is Ogun -- they want me to snap a receipt with a phone, crinkling the paper, and they want to bomb my box, and I don't even know what box they're talking about?  I sent you the accurate information.  Is this what it's like getting a loan from Chicago?

Send us the information on the payment receipt please

So I relent...and send them a copy of a Western Union so fuzzied up that Superman couldn't read it:

I warned you that my scanner wasn't working very well.  Since snapping the receipt with my phone only crinkled it, here's the receipt scanned.  I hope you have better eyes than I do. 

There is no way we can view this receipt you sent, Please give to us the MTCN number on the receipt only.. Give it to us now 

Jesus H and Mary Josephine Francis Beulah Bondage Billy Bob Christ, how many times do I have to give you the same number?  And who the f**k is Ogun?

This is wrong man, this wrong wrong wrong man.   You did not send the fee if not you would have given us the correct information. The MTCN you gave to us is not correct.  you are asshol Mr. Ben.

NO, it isn't wrong, man.  It is the correct mtcn.  At least once it was.  And who the f**k is Ogun? 

Can I have my loan now?

Needless to say, I never got the loan...they never got the $200 I never sent.  And we still don't know who the f**k Ogun was.

Yer Loanin' Wha...?

Some of the shortest scam emails I've ever received concern online loan offers at "too good to be true" APRs and terms that Barney Fwank would love to force upon every lending institution in the US.
This one was no different:
Apply now & get your personal or bisness loan at @ 3% ARP. Apply Now for Intant Approval Contact lopezkristen62@yahoo.com.au for more info
-------------------------------------------
CONFIDENTALITY NOTE: This email and any files transmitted with are confidental and intend soley for the use of the individal or entity to which they are address. If you are not intended, you may not review, copy or distribut this message. If you have receved this email in error please notify the sender immediate and delete them. Neither the sender not the company for which he or she works accept liabilty for any damage cause by any virus transmit by this email.
The sender -- allegedly identified as Kristen Lopez -- apparently runs a pretty low-overhead operation, bereft of spell check (like I run a low-overhead operation bereft of punctuation check).
So, having time on my hands and email mayhem in my heart, I hepped her (and a few of her compatriots) out:
Hi! Remember me? Of course you don't. But by the end of this email, you will.
I used to be just like you. Scrimping by, budgeting and scratching for every penny to pay my bills. Then this totally entremaneurial idea came to me while I was orally servicing a client, and *POOF*, within months I am living life like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman!
And YOU CAN TOO!
But first: my business is vaginal loans. I loan out my vag when I'm not using it, at a 10% commission plus interest compounded interruptus at 3% APR*. The higher you set your sights for the use of my vag, the better return on our money! A night at the top end ho'tels in Washington, DC, is easily good for $1k an hour, plus! Especially when Congress is in session!
Do you catch my crotch crickets here?
Apply now & get your personal or business vag at 3% APR*. Apply Now for Instant Approval! Contact lopezkristen62@yahoo.com.au for more info. I have a yeast infection so I can't use my vag right now; no reason I shouldn't loan it out for a tidy profit!
* Adjustable Penile Rate
__________________________________
CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of any ignorant dumbass who happens upon them, and is door-knob stupid enough to take it on face-vaginal value. If you are not the intended recipient, I don't care...read it and go ahead with it, 'cuz I need someone to fall for this sh**, and if that someone is you, woohoo *score*. If you have received this email in error, please adjust your email settings so you receive this message any time I re-send it. Neither the sender nor the company for which he or she works gives a platypus f**k about any liability for any damage caused by any virus transmitted by the sender's "worn like a four lane highway in LA" vagina.
I am sure that she'll not have time to thank me, what with the deluge of email this rewrite will net her, especially from the 20 some odd peers of hers it went to...

Credit ABOUNDS!!!

A "credit crisis"? Who says?

Well, maybe some naysayers and doomsday fatalists are suggesting there's one, but phfffft on them. I got credit.

And I didn't even have to look for it. It came to me.

In an email. How easy can it get?

With the title Apply NOW! here is my email proof that the credit market is alive and vibrant:

Arrangments to Borrow up to $50,000,000* Flexible loan terms and conditions* Interest rates as low as 3%* Choose between 1 to 35 years repayment period requirement*

There then followed a loan application that required as little as name, amount needed, loan duration, monthly income, purpose of loan, residential address, country of resident, age, marital status, nationality, home phone, cell phone, and whether or not into sex with bovines.

Okay, so it didn't really ask that last question, but I did neglect to read the fine print for confirmation on that point.

At any rate, there it is. So simple. So direct. So much money to lend, so little interest to require. And the company of this credit largess? Global Springer Link Finance Investments. My benefactor: Mr. Mike Spencer.

I am soooooo blessed to have so many wonderful persons of the (Third) world wish to give me the business (a little 'Net research on the company revealed a treasure trove of duped and near-duped persons).

So I responded, in typical Jack N. Ewehoff fashion, with all the required information that is as real as this offer. You'll imagine my genuine surprise and enthusiasm, when I saw how easily I was accepted for a loan:

Applicant: YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED! Here is your acceptance information:

Loan Balance: $250,000
Adjusted Loan Balance: $250,000
Loan Interest Rate: 3.00%
Loan Fees: 0.00%
Loan Term: 20 years
Minimum Payment: $0.00
Monthly Loan Payment: $1,386.49
Number of Payments: 241
Cumulative Payments: $332,758.91
Total Interest Paid: $82,758.91
Note: the monthly loan payment was calculated at 240 payments of 1,386.49 plus a final payment of $1.31

NOTE: If the above information is not understandable or satisfactory to you, do write back for more detailed information as your satisfaction is our delight (LMAO). Finally, if the terms of service cannot be met by you, you can send us a letter of Disclaimer stating that you do not wish to continue the transaction. Will which to notify you that your mail containing the filled information was received by this department. In order to seal up the transaction our terms of service which are widely stated below must be agreed upon before any further step can be taken in this loan contract.

Terms And Conditions
(1) For security reasons, This Company has an Insurance Registration Cover (*TOING*) incase of future loss/death occurence by both parties. So the loan will be insured/registered under the stipulated law Before Transfer.
(2) The stated sum of money due for loaning must be paid back within a minimum period of (20 yrs).
(3) In the course of the loan term duration, a constant monthly payment will be paid for a period of (20 yrs) two months after the loan have been confirmed available to the beneficiary designated account.
(4) Late payment of monthys installments has a pentaly of 2% increase.
(5) The above Terms and condition should be accepted by your before we move on with the loan transfer.

Well, cricket crap...what's a feller to do with such terms and conditions? Why, email acceptance, of course:

I have read all conditions and requirements herein and herethroughout as applicant, and I am favorably disposed to the business you propose to subject me to as stated herein, herethroughout, and thus stipulated.

I have the honor to be, Jack N. Ewehoff
Loanee-designate

No application fees. No loan fees. No muss, no fuss. Freddie Mae and Fanny Mac, are you crooked, corrupt, bankrupt organizations, readin' this h'yar?

And within 12 hours of my sending the above affirmation to the fine folks at Global Springer Link Finance Investments, I received this eagerly anticipated *TOING* that addresses how there is a $600 insurance fee for the loan, and how the fee is equally split between (a) the lender and (b) the receiver. So, for a mere $300, I am getting a $250k loan at 3%, right?

Uh...well, not according to what Mr. Spencer writ: owing to this, you are expected to only pay the sum of $300 USD which is half of the insurance cover, while we shall cover the other half. Your loan request entitlement ($30,000USD) *lock up the brakes, screech the tires, skid off to the side, and WHOAAAA, MOHAMMAD!*

Mr. Spencer must be so busy, loaning out 1k to 50 Mil at interest rates of 3%, that he's confusing us loanees. But ol' Jack'll fix that:

Okay, I understand the insurance fee ploy and such. This I understand only too well. HOWSOMUCHEVER...you seem to have had a sudden catastrophic drop in the value of the dollars you is gonna loan me, 'cuz in the terms you sent me, I was receiving a 250k USD loan; and here, you shrunk the kids to only a 30k loan.

Was that there a typo, or did I just miss something really BIG and IMPO'TENT h'yar? I so crave indulgence.

My prompt inquiry was equally prompt to draw a corrective reply, without so much of a *WTF* at the tone of my inquiry:

Mr. Jack Ewehoff,
Thanks very much for your mail and thanks very much for looking very closely to the mail and found out that error and Iam sorry to inform you that it was a typogaphical error from our Typist in the office.

He goes on with four rather droll paragraphs of legal and fiscal-sounding gobbledygook, and then gets down to where I am to send the $300 USD and how:

You are to pay for the insurance cover (fees) through Western Union Money Tranfer in the coordinates of the below stated Receiving Insurance Officer:

Elizabeth Crowford
25 Knapmill Road
London SE6 3TA UK

He concludes with his own 'address', listed as Canary Wharf, London E14 4DY.

Canary Wharf? Bloody hell 'n haggis!

Chuckling at the addresses, Jack made it sound like all was on cue:

I am pleased to have clarified the precipitious drop in the dollar, and have things back in sync. Don't cane the clerk in your office; I am sure she is just overworked from all the loan applications an operation like yours MUST be inundated with.

I will attend to the fee payment requirements and coordinates on Monday, August 16. By your reckoning, that will have the $250k cheque delivered unto me by weeks' end, God willing and the Atlantic don't rise. I look forward to getting the business from you, and I am sure you'll likewise.

We are soooo hitting it off here, I think the seeds of something that smells like kimshi is flourishing here:

Thanks very much for your mail and understanding, we advise you to get back to us with an exalt date from next week to make the payment. Once you make the payment of your own part of the payment to the insurance company your loan request entitlement will be ready for transfer into your nominated account with 48 hours of the conclusion of the insurance process.

Nominated bank account? I don't recollect nominating a bank account:

Mr. Suspenser, what "nominated bank account"? I haven't done that. I was thinking that you'd send me a certified cheque (I spelled it the Eurocentric way, so's there'd be no confusion). Clarify please.

Mr. Ewehoff, due to size of amounts of entitlements we dispense it is customary and required of law that we do not deal in certified cheques. If you have not nominated a designated account to receive this entitlement upon transfer, it is now that you will need to do this at once, to forestop any delay.

"Forestop any delay"???

Heaven and the Queen will have nothing to do with forestoppage. Let me send you the account I am now hereby nominating as the next bank account of Jack N. Ewehoff, to receive entitlements from your esteemed organization (and I resorted to an old one from an '07 scambait, the bank being the First Astral Savings And Loan, located in the Third Astral Plane, with interdimensional ATMs wherever angels fear and not to tread, and since they're winged, they don't have to in either case).

Then came Monday, August 16, 2010. Time for Western Union, Jack N. Ewehoff's style, with newly-made up receipt. But first, the 'bait':

Mr. Spencer for Hire, the insurance fee has been dispatched, just as you instructed. I shall eagerly anticipate the next 48 hours to receive my entitlement.

Kindly send to us a scanned copy of the payment slip given to you at the Western Union office for verifiable. Your prompt response is highly needed.

*snort*

And my prompt response you shall highly have. Attached is the wu receipt as you so highly needed. I note they've changed the appearance of the receipt. I rather like it. What say you?

It took a few hours, but I will take this reply as a strong *thumbs down* on the newly-designed receipt:

this is no reel wu receet. u are not to contact us no more.

Dang, and I was so looking forward to renovating the pteryducktal coop.

Well, credit *used to* abound.