Credit ABOUNDS!!!

A "credit crisis"? Who says?

Well, maybe some naysayers and doomsday fatalists are suggesting there's one, but phfffft on them. I got credit.

And I didn't even have to look for it. It came to me.

In an email. How easy can it get?

With the title Apply NOW! here is my email proof that the credit market is alive and vibrant:

Arrangments to Borrow up to $50,000,000* Flexible loan terms and conditions* Interest rates as low as 3%* Choose between 1 to 35 years repayment period requirement*

There then followed a loan application that required as little as name, amount needed, loan duration, monthly income, purpose of loan, residential address, country of resident, age, marital status, nationality, home phone, cell phone, and whether or not into sex with bovines.

Okay, so it didn't really ask that last question, but I did neglect to read the fine print for confirmation on that point.

At any rate, there it is. So simple. So direct. So much money to lend, so little interest to require. And the company of this credit largess? Global Springer Link Finance Investments. My benefactor: Mr. Mike Spencer.

I am soooooo blessed to have so many wonderful persons of the (Third) world wish to give me the business (a little 'Net research on the company revealed a treasure trove of duped and near-duped persons).

So I responded, in typical Jack N. Ewehoff fashion, with all the required information that is as real as this offer. You'll imagine my genuine surprise and enthusiasm, when I saw how easily I was accepted for a loan:

Applicant: YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED! Here is your acceptance information:

Loan Balance: $250,000
Adjusted Loan Balance: $250,000
Loan Interest Rate: 3.00%
Loan Fees: 0.00%
Loan Term: 20 years
Minimum Payment: $0.00
Monthly Loan Payment: $1,386.49
Number of Payments: 241
Cumulative Payments: $332,758.91
Total Interest Paid: $82,758.91
Note: the monthly loan payment was calculated at 240 payments of 1,386.49 plus a final payment of $1.31

NOTE: If the above information is not understandable or satisfactory to you, do write back for more detailed information as your satisfaction is our delight (LMAO). Finally, if the terms of service cannot be met by you, you can send us a letter of Disclaimer stating that you do not wish to continue the transaction. Will which to notify you that your mail containing the filled information was received by this department. In order to seal up the transaction our terms of service which are widely stated below must be agreed upon before any further step can be taken in this loan contract.

Terms And Conditions
(1) For security reasons, This Company has an Insurance Registration Cover (*TOING*) incase of future loss/death occurence by both parties. So the loan will be insured/registered under the stipulated law Before Transfer.
(2) The stated sum of money due for loaning must be paid back within a minimum period of (20 yrs).
(3) In the course of the loan term duration, a constant monthly payment will be paid for a period of (20 yrs) two months after the loan have been confirmed available to the beneficiary designated account.
(4) Late payment of monthys installments has a pentaly of 2% increase.
(5) The above Terms and condition should be accepted by your before we move on with the loan transfer.

Well, cricket crap...what's a feller to do with such terms and conditions? Why, email acceptance, of course:

I have read all conditions and requirements herein and herethroughout as applicant, and I am favorably disposed to the business you propose to subject me to as stated herein, herethroughout, and thus stipulated.

I have the honor to be, Jack N. Ewehoff
Loanee-designate

No application fees. No loan fees. No muss, no fuss. Freddie Mae and Fanny Mac, are you crooked, corrupt, bankrupt organizations, readin' this h'yar?

And within 12 hours of my sending the above affirmation to the fine folks at Global Springer Link Finance Investments, I received this eagerly anticipated *TOING* that addresses how there is a $600 insurance fee for the loan, and how the fee is equally split between (a) the lender and (b) the receiver. So, for a mere $300, I am getting a $250k loan at 3%, right?

Uh...well, not according to what Mr. Spencer writ: owing to this, you are expected to only pay the sum of $300 USD which is half of the insurance cover, while we shall cover the other half. Your loan request entitlement ($30,000USD) *lock up the brakes, screech the tires, skid off to the side, and WHOAAAA, MOHAMMAD!*

Mr. Spencer must be so busy, loaning out 1k to 50 Mil at interest rates of 3%, that he's confusing us loanees. But ol' Jack'll fix that:

Okay, I understand the insurance fee ploy and such. This I understand only too well. HOWSOMUCHEVER...you seem to have had a sudden catastrophic drop in the value of the dollars you is gonna loan me, 'cuz in the terms you sent me, I was receiving a 250k USD loan; and here, you shrunk the kids to only a 30k loan.

Was that there a typo, or did I just miss something really BIG and IMPO'TENT h'yar? I so crave indulgence.

My prompt inquiry was equally prompt to draw a corrective reply, without so much of a *WTF* at the tone of my inquiry:

Mr. Jack Ewehoff,
Thanks very much for your mail and thanks very much for looking very closely to the mail and found out that error and Iam sorry to inform you that it was a typogaphical error from our Typist in the office.

He goes on with four rather droll paragraphs of legal and fiscal-sounding gobbledygook, and then gets down to where I am to send the $300 USD and how:

You are to pay for the insurance cover (fees) through Western Union Money Tranfer in the coordinates of the below stated Receiving Insurance Officer:

Elizabeth Crowford
25 Knapmill Road
London SE6 3TA UK

He concludes with his own 'address', listed as Canary Wharf, London E14 4DY.

Canary Wharf? Bloody hell 'n haggis!

Chuckling at the addresses, Jack made it sound like all was on cue:

I am pleased to have clarified the precipitious drop in the dollar, and have things back in sync. Don't cane the clerk in your office; I am sure she is just overworked from all the loan applications an operation like yours MUST be inundated with.

I will attend to the fee payment requirements and coordinates on Monday, August 16. By your reckoning, that will have the $250k cheque delivered unto me by weeks' end, God willing and the Atlantic don't rise. I look forward to getting the business from you, and I am sure you'll likewise.

We are soooo hitting it off here, I think the seeds of something that smells like kimshi is flourishing here:

Thanks very much for your mail and understanding, we advise you to get back to us with an exalt date from next week to make the payment. Once you make the payment of your own part of the payment to the insurance company your loan request entitlement will be ready for transfer into your nominated account with 48 hours of the conclusion of the insurance process.

Nominated bank account? I don't recollect nominating a bank account:

Mr. Suspenser, what "nominated bank account"? I haven't done that. I was thinking that you'd send me a certified cheque (I spelled it the Eurocentric way, so's there'd be no confusion). Clarify please.

Mr. Ewehoff, due to size of amounts of entitlements we dispense it is customary and required of law that we do not deal in certified cheques. If you have not nominated a designated account to receive this entitlement upon transfer, it is now that you will need to do this at once, to forestop any delay.

"Forestop any delay"???

Heaven and the Queen will have nothing to do with forestoppage. Let me send you the account I am now hereby nominating as the next bank account of Jack N. Ewehoff, to receive entitlements from your esteemed organization (and I resorted to an old one from an '07 scambait, the bank being the First Astral Savings And Loan, located in the Third Astral Plane, with interdimensional ATMs wherever angels fear and not to tread, and since they're winged, they don't have to in either case).

Then came Monday, August 16, 2010. Time for Western Union, Jack N. Ewehoff's style, with newly-made up receipt. But first, the 'bait':

Mr. Spencer for Hire, the insurance fee has been dispatched, just as you instructed. I shall eagerly anticipate the next 48 hours to receive my entitlement.

Kindly send to us a scanned copy of the payment slip given to you at the Western Union office for verifiable. Your prompt response is highly needed.

*snort*

And my prompt response you shall highly have. Attached is the wu receipt as you so highly needed. I note they've changed the appearance of the receipt. I rather like it. What say you?

It took a few hours, but I will take this reply as a strong *thumbs down* on the newly-designed receipt:

this is no reel wu receet. u are not to contact us no more.

Dang, and I was so looking forward to renovating the pteryducktal coop.

Well, credit *used to* abound.