Western Union Transfers THAT, Too?

It's probably news to Western Union.

Art imitates Life. Sometimes, as pictured here, life can be fooled by art's imitation. The bronze buffalo will never know what poked it.

The moose will never have to worry about paternity suits. Only a bruised winkee, maybe.

BUT...in a recent scam email, I was adjured to 'stop all communication with scammers'. Which, had I taken the email at it's title behest, I wouldn't have responded to it.

Careful what you wish for, scammers.

As usual, the scammers didn't say with their email heading what they really wanted from me. And has been my practice these long, learning, cooperative years, what they got from me wasn't what they anticipated.

Some people have dared to call me out on my seeming 'dissing' of the United Nations. Not at all. I just think that if the scammers can use the UN to pursue a scam angle, I can use the UN to pursue a scambait response. And if it happens to include the mention of Western Union, well...

At any rate, I still await a response from the scammer and/or any of his receiving colleagues and peers. Especially if the female scammer mentioned in the email gets phone calls at weird hours of the day at my behest ;-) But, I'll bet Western Union never imagined that they'd be called upon to do wire transfers as depicted in this rewrite:

From: WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER wumt@giving.com.tw

To: wumtpayoutunitednations@hotmail.com

Sent: Sunday, February 12, 2012 2:15 PM

Subject: Mr Jim Says Stop All Communication With Scammers

United Nations has established an office of Services For Sexually Dispossessed. For those throughout the world who are viewed as sexual "deviants" or "perverts", we of the Office of Services For Sexually Dispossessed (UNOSFSD) have come to your rescue.

We have received your name as one who has suffered sexual disposession, and we are here to serve you. Among other services being field tested by UN peacekeepers, we have established a 'sperm bank' service, so that you may deposit and perpetuate your sorry prodigy, even when you is butt ugly and not even a wayward, cross-eyed moose would give you the time of day.

Do send your Name,Address & Phone Number to this cleverly disguised email address (wumtpayoutunitednations@hotmail.com) to apply for your sexual relief and gratification, as well as to establish an account with our sperm bank.

Or call Mrs Franca Lee @ +6010 3770 946 for more inquiries on the above message. She is eager to service you as soon as you call. No time, day or night, is bad for you to call Franca Lee, our "Madam Lou Bunch" of the UNOSFSD! She'll handle your deposits the same way she's handled every last one of our UN peacekeepers.

SPECIAL NOTICE: All E-mail response should be sent to the following email address for confirmation and service approval wumtpayoutunitednations@hotmail.com

Yours truly

Mr. Jim
Public Restroom Janitor at the UN Building, NYC, NY

and survivor of Mrs Franca Lee's sperm donor techniques...

The UN and Western Union. They're into everything, aren't they?

Bad Skunk New Year

It was suggested that perhaps it was time for yours truly -- da curmudgeon-in-training Skunkmeister -- to select a resolution for the new year, one that I'd actually make an effort to keep.

Like, try bein' nicer to my fellow man.

So, with an email I received in the waning days of '10, I thought I might just try it out. A kinder, gentler, less-likely-to-wig-out Skunkmeister.

First, the email (not the whole thang, just enough to give y'all an ideer h'yar):

Dear Valued Cusomer,

I am Mr. Tony Duke from Western Union, On behalf of the International Monetary Fund/United Nations/ECOWAS, I conce again try to notify you as my earlier letter was returned undelivered (ya dumb ass, quit tryin' to send me liver in the mail, and mebbe I'd keep it....oops...*pose of peace and an elongated Ahmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*). I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address been the beneficary today (so it didn't work the first time, try try again 'til it doesn't work the 100th time...what a bu...oops again...*Ahmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*). If you receive this email, we are writing to inform you that we have been gived the mandat to transfer your full consipation (the *Ahmmmmm* just about bent at the syntax...dang, this resolution sh** is hard work) payment of $100,000USD via Western Union by the International Monetary Fund with United Nation and ECOWAS.

You get the idea.

It goes on to tell me that I may go to Western Union, right this mo', and pick up my first daily installment -- yes, that's daily -- of $5,000. Each day, every day, until I have received my authorized $100,000USD.

So, lessee how I dun with my first test of my new 2011 resolution to be a kinder, gentler, more trusting Skunk:

'Eyyyy, Dukey, wazzzzzzzzzz up? Long time no badda bing wid yo' sistah, Dukey, y'know whadda mean heah? I went to those mugs at Westin Onion, an' ah sez to dem mugs, ah sez, "see this h'yah email message heah? It sez youse got some scratch o' mine heah! So make widda dough!" An' da mug at Westin Onion, he sez...really, he sez "make widda passwoid 'er fuggedaboudit!". An' ah gits all pissed, y'see, 'cuz youse didn' make widda passwoid heah! Soo, wazzzzzzz up widda passwoid heah?

So much for that resolution. Especially since they replied...even to that:

Dear Valued Cusomer, we are emailing you sequal to your mail, i want you to know that we are not try to offend you anywhere but only to make that you follow the normal process in get your inheretant process through our office as you must now that this is a western union agents and also a government INC company.

It goes on for several more paragiraffes of semi-coherent drivel, then lets me know that in order to collect my first $5,000 daily allotment, I must pay a handling fee to Western Union of $100.

The price of getting fleeced is coming down almost as fast as the dollar.

And, of course, I'm supposed to send this $100 via -- who'd a thunk it -- Western Union. To Justice Obaze, located in sunny -- again, who'd a thunk it -- Lagos, Nigeria.

My 2011 resolution is soooooooo dead:

WT new year F???? Youse sez...and youse DID sez, 'cuz ah read it h'yah...youse sez ah needs ta PAY to RECEIVE dis badda boom Westin Onion? Ta tawlk like dem youngstas widda text massagin' gig, "R U Fing kiddin' me h'yah"? Lay some bad 'splanation on me one each one time, Rastus. I ain't ta follerin' y'all.

This doesn't end the communication, but it does bring to a halt the long-winded replies. Proof that I can derail a resolution in a simple email exchange, is as conclusive as the follerin':

who is rastus? is what you not understand here you follow what we say you get money. why hard of you to do?

'Eyyyy, finoke, youse not gettin' th' basic gist of da ting heah, eh? Lemme spell da ting out heah for youse: Westin Onion is da place where da mugs eddah gives youse da moola, or da mugs what charges youse ta send it, hokay dokay finoke? Youse gettin' what ah'm layin' here on youse okay? Youse pay ta send ta me heah; ah don' pay to receive from youse heah. Dats da fact, Jack. So....wazzzzz wid youse lil' Benjamin gig heah?

do you writ english pleese you are not understanded to us how you write pleese to do as you is been told to and all is in your favour now. no more delay is good for your business ok.

'Eyyyyy, wazzzzamatta wid da way ah enunciate mahsef heah, eh? Wazz youse gots agin' da way ah types heah? Youse prejudgeiced? Y' wanna make widda throw down heah? C'mawn, finoke...eddah make widda passwoid what makes widda dough, or don' be prevokin' me h'yah, y'know whadda mean?

i can not read what you say do you have someone there who can tranlate? we wast time for you not writ in english now

Ewot...bloody cheeky of you bloomin' wankers, talkin' crikey to me associate th' bloomin' way ye are. Blimey, e's likely to do a knot an' make a whacking great boomsedaisy ootta ya now!

is this a game you think funy to play on me? you loose out on money you not stop this game and do as i say you do.

Micshiessen? Da, hundsfott, schtuffen das sprechen schiessen uppen your glockenspiel midde shove undt pushen! Geshiessen ist das vhat du ist fullensee, ja! Awpeterstain!

you are not serous to me so this is not deal for you at longer to be. no more you comunicate with me now.

'Eyyyy...who the f*** cares? If ah send youse a billyun emails, phfffffffft, fuggetaboudit, youse gonna keep h'yarin' from this heah mug, youse gettin' da picture heah?

And he is, too. Startin' with three days into da new yeah heah, and I'm forwardin' to him every spam email I get. And through one email account, that's a dozen on average per day.

Shot that resolution all to heckydarnpoo.

Eh...resolutions are overrated ;-)

Scam Acres

Craigslist is a wunnerful place.

To get scammed.

I've dealt with two previous scammers on Craigslist, both at the request of friends who've tried to use Craigslist to sell stuff, only to get hit upon by a scammer.

Then comes number 3, as a colleague's wife nearly got had.

A coworker of mine's wife went job hunting on, among other places, Craigslist. And almost immediately, she got a job offer that sounded like a dream.

On Craigslist.

And in short order -- after she shared a good deal of her personal information with the prospective employer, a Mr. James Peters -- she received a check via the mail, from Califorlornia, for $2230. Which she was instructed to deposit, and keep $500 of for her first week of work (something daycare-0riented).

Meantime, she was instructed by her new 'employer' to wire $1430 via Western Union to someone in Boston, MA, using the balance to do so. And, somewhat strangely she thought it, her new employer's phone number was a longer than usual one, beginning with a 44.

That's, I say son, that's a UK country code.

At any rate, she didn't put it all together, so thus dutifully did as she was told to do by her new 'employer'.

EXCEPT...

A wizened clerk at Western Union smelled out the scam before my colleague's wife made the ultimate fiscal faux pas of wiring the money.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Meantime, the scammer began to pepper her cell phone with text messages, and phone calls. My colleague -- to buy time -- told the scammer that his wife was away for a few days, visiting relatives. He related that the caller -- his wife's purported 'employer', and apparent scammer -- sounded foreign, almost Middle Eastern.

At any rate, he bought some time. And with the time bought, he contacted...yours truly ;-)

So -- while my colleague and his wife got things straightened out with their bank (no harm, no foul, thanks to a sharp-eyed Western Union clerk) -- I, more than happily, took over the role of his 'wife', e(fe)mail speaking.

It's a good thing neither they nor the scammer had or used a webcam, but I digress.

My third go-around with a Craigslist scammer didn't last as long, or get as funny as I might have hoped; but I accomplished the goal that has become so easy for me, what with ten years of practice.

I wrote progressively weirder emails to the scammer, to the delight of my colleague and spouse.

And it begins as I now assume the role of my colleague's wife, with the following email to the scammer, James Peters:

James, I am sorry for the confusion. I had to travel out of town on family business, and my spouse got confused by the instructions, not being totally familiar with your and my employment agreement. SO...please repeat to me exactly what I am to send where, and to whom, via Western Union, and I will attend to it as quickly as possible. I am so happy to have this opportunity you have afforded me.

The poor unsuspecting scammer doesn't notice a change, since the intended victim allowed me to use her email account to respond from:

Thanks for your message. You will deduct $500 for yourself being a week deposit and have the remainder of the $1730 sent including western union charges. Below is the information you will use to send the fund to the store via western union money transfer:

Receiver's Name: Wilson Charles

Address: 125 Summer St Ste 1910

City: Boston

Zip Code: 02110-1615

State: MA

Once you have sent the fund, you will get back to me with all the necessary transfer details. MTCN and the exact amount sent so that I can forward to the store for the immediate release of the items. It will be appreciated if you can also attach the copy of the receipt for my record purpose. I will be expecting the western union details as soon as you possible this morning.

And I reckon he was expecting the information that morning. But he didn't get it:

Great! I will attend to this after I finish milking the cows. I'm at my family's farm outside of Grand Island, Nebraska: I'm helping my father-in-law out while he has surgery for straining his ubula. It stinks here, but I love animals and helping out. And no need to text me (he was sending her multiple text messages, asking for updates); I'll email you the information as soon as I get back from Grand Island (I'm about 30 minutes from there).

And, later that evening, I began my well-played game:

Okay, Mr. Peter, the money is sent to Boston, just as you said. I'll be babysitting some pigs for a while, so if you have any questions, email me. I'll check in later.

Later ran well into the next day, which prompted a quick note from Mr. Peters, along with my failure to include the MTCN:

Let me have the MTCN and exact amount sent

Thanks

Instead, and later, this is what he received:

What MTCN do you refer to? As for the amount, it's what you said you wanted me to send, $500, just like we agreed. Sent it to Boston.

I will be out birthing pigs in the barn late tonight; any questions, email me and I'll get back to you later Friday. Thanks again for the job. It's all good.

This did NOT draw an immediate response from the scammer, so I waited a spell and threw in the following:

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner today. I've been shearing sheep all day from sun up, and whoa mutton, what a long hot job that was. But it was woolworth it. And speaking of which, with all the skeins of yarn I'll be getting as my share, I can knit you an afghan, knitted to fit. Best of all, this afghan won't blow you up like a Taliban kind would. These are so much nicer afghans. What's your size? I'll get right on it after I help inseminate the goats. We use a turkey baster. It keeps out goats from trying to screw the ducks. That's not a pretty thing to witness.

Now, what was that about the MTCN?

One of two possibilities:

(1) it's the weekend, and he ain't got access to his internet cafe, or

(2) he's figured out that he's being counter-played

In either event, I'm content with firing another salvo:

The meter's running...order now, while there's still time to get you a custom-knitted afghan that doesn't blow up like the Taliban kind. I can only knit so fast, and the orders are pouring in. Order now, and I'll throw in, absolutely free, a Western Union MTCN number! Supplies are limited, so ORDER NOW via email! Orderbots are standing by to take your order*!

And I can still fit in day care for your spawn; they'll love slopping the chickens and plucking the alpacas. Green Acres is the place to be, farm living is the life for me! Dooba dooba.

*DISCLAIMER: this offer not valid on Craigslist, eBay, or on HSN. Void where prohibited by no internet. Your results may vary. Kids shouldn't try this at home, but it's okay at a neighbor's, long as parental supervision is hors de daycare. You should never take this email if taking a diuretic or other mucus-solidifying prescription. Possible side effects may include dry crotch, toe nail distension, ear hives, sonic boom flatulence, and pet trauma associated with the last. Afghans by Ash can be differentiated from Taliban afghans by (a) quality of knit (b) lack of bulky filler in fabric and (c) fuse attached to filler. This email, if read backwards, may spell out in Wiccan, "I snort the vibrating pickle! Devil dildos!". This weirds out most folks, so don't do that. The US Department of Knitreculture requires this DISCLAIMER.

Since this last email went out, my colleague advises me his wife has ceased receiving phone calls, text messages, and follow up emails from the scammer. If nothing further turns up by early next week, I reckon Scam Acres has moved on to less weird scammees.

Dooba dooba. Scam Acres ain't the place to be. Your results may vary.

Mystery Shopper Miasma - I

Customers are the lifeblood of business. So it reasons that customer service is a measure of the health of a business. Many a business out there likes a report card on how their customer service is doing, beyond basing it solely on comments sent, faxed, emailed, texted, or left on voice mail at 3am by someone who's drunk and thinks they called their ex, judging from the message content.

And entrepreneurs are all over this one, creating companies that provide businesses with secret/mystery shoppers, who rate the company's customer service without the employees knowing it.

Entrepreneurial scammers haven't missed out on the opportunities, either.

When I posted about an online offer I'd received to become a 'mystery shopper', a friend on Facebook took me to task for making fun of 'mystery shoppers', because she was one and had been for four years. And that's fine for her.

But I reckon it isn't for the company that contacted me.

This is my third 'secret/mystery shopper' offer in my 10 years of scambaiting. The first two I had never heard of, but quickly confirmed as I played 'em, that they were 100% bona fide

scammers. My newest one, however, has a track record.

Of customer complaints and BBB *holding nose* ratings.

So, before I get to the 'fun', here's the online gambit by an outfit that flies under the name of an alleged mystery shopper operation out of Seattle:

Email title: WELCOME TO MYSTERY SHOPPER!!!

We have randomly selected you a mystery shopper. Our company conducts surveys and evaluates other companies in order to help them achieve their performance goals. We offer an integrated suite of business solutions that enables corporations to achieve tangible results in the marketplace. We get hired by other companies and act like customers to find out how they are handling their services in relation to their customers.

Mystery shopping is the most accurate and reliable tool a business can use to gather information regarding their actual customer service performance at the moment of truth. This moment of truth is not when the staff is on their best behaviour because the boss is around -- it is when they interact with customers during their normal daily routines.

This is where YOU come in as the Mystery Shopper. You pose an an ordinary customer and provide feedback of both factual observations and your own opinions. Mystery Shoppers must remain anonymous. You must act as a regular customer and be careful not to do anything that would reveal you as a shopper. If anyone notices you are a Mystery Shopper, you can bet that word will quickly spread around the establishment and you will get some of the best customer service in town, and not what regular customers might experience.

No company can afford to have a gap between the promise of quality and its actual delivery, that's why leading corporations look to us, the nation's premiere mystery shopping and customer experience measurement company.

In order for businesses to compete effectively today, they must be prepared to meet the challenge of increasing sales by:

* retaining existing customers

* acquiring new customers

* creating word-of-mouth advocacy

* improving customer loyalty

Once we have a contract to do so, you would be directed to the company or outlet, and you would be given funds you need to do the job (purchase merchandise or obtain services), after which you would write down a detailed report of your experience. You would include

* how long it takes to get served

* politeness of the attendant

* customer service professionalism

* sometimes you might be required to upset the attendant, to see how they deal with difficult clients.

Then we turn the information over to the company and they will carry out their own duties in improving their services.

After a bit more fluff and puff, the email gets to the rat killing:

You will be paid a commission of $100 for every duty you carry out, and bonuse on your transportation allowance. Your task will be to evaluate and comment on customer service in a wide variety of restaurants, retail stores, casinos, shopping malls, banks and hotels in your area.

The email concludes with a typical list of 'mystery shopper requirements', and an email to respond to, if interested. And I was interested (to see the MO on how the scammer planned to take me to the cleaners). So I responded, as the character Jack N. Ewehoff. More on that in a mo'.

While awaiting a response, I did some online research on the outfit that it was representing itself to be. I found a treasure trove...of customer complaints and BBB *holding nose* ratings on this company, dating back to early 2009. Besides complaints of once a 'mystery shopper' had done a job, they never got paid and couldn't get an adequate response from the company, or got a run-around. Fancy that: the mystery shopper company providing shoddy service to their employees.

I also liked that their given corporate HQ address was in Seattle, WA. No problem there, except that the street address that they listed as THEIR HQ, is in fact a hotel. A hotel that, when I called it, explained that said company was not there, and if it ever had been there, it would have had to have been back in the late 1960s.

The clerk that did so was very polite and professional, so I made note of it, in case I needed that for a 'mystery shop' ;-)

I also liked that one of the company's several HQ contact numbers they listed was a 615 area code. Which is fine, if you want to talk to Nashville, TN. The other numbers had the requisite area code of 206, which is the Seattle area. I dunno...maybe Reba McIntyre is a Mystery Shopper. Perhaps I'll look into that later.

Finally, BBB investigations listed complaints that included such loverly things every one who puts money up WANTS to be a part of, I am sure: like 'ponzi scheme' and 'issuing bad checks'. The complaints were largely from persons 'employed' by this particular outfit, against this particular outfit.

One researcher dug deeper into IP addresses and domain names, and determined that the scammer was originating out of the Russian Republic. Dasvadanya, suckerski.

At any rate, my character sent an "I'm interested" email response, and filled out their little 'application' that was attached to the email.

And my *TOING* meter went off the scale, because I got an email response -- and hired -- in 8 minutes.

And that's where the 'fun' began, in Part II (and the conclusion), when I learned who and how I was to 'mystery shop'.

From the "Best Of" The 419 Files: Fowl Play (2003)

*Sometimes, a scambait begins with you knowing where the scammer's going, but you're not sure where or how far you're going to be able to lead them afoul of their plans. In this one, the picture at the right will give you an idea where this one wound up. And all thanks to a late typo, one that they -- the scammers -- never recovered from. My opportunistic bad.

This was my favorite scambait from 2003, and until The Papal Chase, my favorite overall. I'm condensing it a bit down from when it was on my old website; may you enjoy it as I did*.

When you receive a scam email, you never really know the twists and turns it may take, once the scammers are engaged. This one took a twist that was foreseen by neither the 419ers, or yours truly.

But it was a hoot, at least to me, how it played every step of the lay. You'll see what I just did there toward the end.

For starters, my character -- the urbane, low-key Dr. Ben Dover, pHd -- is cyberly contacted by the one and probably only Mrs. Glendoven Van Labram (you can see where I took the cue for my name from), a poor, destitute widow, living in some degree of poverty and oppression in South Africa. Her late spouse, before his untimely demise aboard a plane, train, automobile or ostrich spinal stretcher, had secured a multi-million dollar supply of precious gems with a security company in Amsterdam, The Netherlands (Holland). And I -- a foreign national -- could engineer the liberation of this stash, for the benefit of her and her litter (which was never mentioned again after the first email).

And for my time and trouble? I'd rate 30% of the total sum (one that is never mentioned, so I guess they didn't lie when they offered me 30% of nothing).

I was directed to respond with my acceptance to both her, and her attorney, to proceed, her attorney being one Joseph A. McCarthy of McCarthy & Company, Johannesburg, SA.

My reply is in keeping with my standard tactic of test the scammer's comprehension skills early, and often:

This is indeed distressing news, your plight as outlined in your missive. I do not know how you came upon my email address, but this is of no matter; being a good Samsonite of the Old Order, I am bound and oblivious to lend assistance to all windows and oprahs encountered, howsoever flatulent their plea.

As it so happens, I am a widower myself: my spouse of 20 years, Svetlana Beeyotch Schiesse Dover, passed away five years ago from terminal demeaning crotch crickets, and I have remained a promiscuous bachelor ever since (she was quite an ironbox). She left me quite an inheritance, so I want for nothing as I live an austere life as a research project manager at a facility in the splendour of tiny Liechtenstein.

As you wish, I will direct all future correspondence to your well-noted attorney in your effort to give me the business, and work my own unique brand of same through his auspices.

Noting well your desire for secrecy, I will require you and your attorney to limit your correspondence on this matter to this email address, and this one only; it is password protected and encrypted for maximum freshness. Do not try to telephone, as my company records all calls made and received. My born-on-dating is 12-31-55; I enclose a photo of me after a cosmetic surgical operation to minimize the aging process, and while it sorta didn't work (I use a picture, for the first time, of dead comedian Pat Paulsen), it keeps me viable with the Liechtensteinian ladies.

I shall await your next.

A few days later, Mrs. Glendoven's attorney makes his opening gambit:

My name is Joseph McCarthy, Esq., managing partner of McCarthy & Company, Johannesburg, South Africa. We are lawyers to Mrs. Lab Van Glendoven. She has given us instructions to write you with detailed information your require in this business. Her life story is heart broken, she lost all what she work for with her late husband to Zimbabwean government and land reform of Robert Mugabe. Now she has been able to put herself together. We have her mandate to work with you on the gem deposit her late husband make with security company in Europe. The sum and content has been mislead to the security company for confidentiality, but you will be compensated with 30% of the total which is millions, I am assure to you.

He went onto tell me how I'd need to travel to Amsterdam, meet with officials at the Global Diplomatic Security Services repository there, and give them documents that McCarthy would arrange for me. He concluded with I am waiting for your respose as soon as possible to finalize proceedings. Book your flight, confirm and send to us, then call me at (a phone number with what appeared to be a South African country code).

Well, ol' Ben Dover has an immediate response alright:

Bannister, I thank you for your promptness of response and your sense of urgency. What with your sense of decency in helping a poor, destitute widow give to me the business, I can say that it is a conditional pleasure to make your acquaintance in this venue. Before we proceed, however, I refer you to my response to Mrs. Glendoven; I am a resident of Liechtenstein, and do not possess a current passport for travel. Indeed, I have had no need to travel anywhere in years. So your choice of Amsterdam, for me to travel to, is unacceptable.

What IS acceptable is for you to arrange the security company to deliver the consignment to me: in Vaduz, Liechtenstein. You make that arrangement, and I will sweeten the pot for you: I will insist on no more than a 10% fee for my efforts to help the widow Glendoven, and the 20% giveback on my part will be awarded as follows: 10% for you, for your efforts on her behalf, and the other 10% back to the widow, for to help her and her brood with resettlement costs and what not. Frankly, I would think you would be more attuned to her needs; but I realize that you are an attorney, and are not thus wired that way.

At any rate, those are my terms, sir. Please re-review my first with the widow, then get back to me with your legal addendums therefromwith, so that we may jointly work to relieve the suffering of the widow. This is, after all, why we are joined in this circumcision.

I didn't really think I could get these clowns to agree to my change of venue, though it was worth a try; but here was where McCarthy saw an opportunity to introduce a third party into the mix:

I have read and understanded all that you have said, Dover. Since you cannot go to Amsterdam, I suggest that the consignment be shipped to you through an agent in London. He is Mr. Williams Anderson. His email address is ......... and his address is...... contact him now for shipment procedures and other requirements. Let me know concluded arrangements.

I have a humor columnist friend who's dying to participate in this shenanigan, so I try to introduce him as my own third party for the proceedings:

I thank you for your prompt reply. It is good that you understand my circumcisions, and well that you are flexible. It is particularly fortuitious that you have an agent in London; for I also have a contact there who has been invaluable to me in handling my UK-based affairs, both with the ladies and business. I will notify him to, at once, contact your Williams Anderson as directed. I see expedience in serving the widow Glendoven's needs.

Mr. McCarthy was NOT the least bit enthused about my third party, as it turned out:

Thank you for your mail. well i must sincerely tell you that this business is strictly confidential as indidcated by my client in her proposal to you. This means that htis business does not need any third party involved.

Oh YEAH?

I have well read your reply, sir, and I must note that YOU have already introduced a third party, a person utterly unknown to me. So what is this throwing "confidentiality" in my face and denying me a third party, when you have just thrown your own third party into the mix? You, sir, are directed to get back to me on this vital question, and justify the appearance of hypocrisy here. I am no fool with whom rules can be changed on a whim.

It takes a few days, but I finally get back a most snarky reply from the Bannister:

Mr. Anderson is not a third party to this business. He is an accessory to it. If your are not in position to assist the widow, confirm interest in your next mail. good day.

Oh YEAH??

Listen, bub: I so totally do not get your sudden need to spit hares and become truculent. I find your arrogance annoying. I have made it clear that I wish to aid the widow. This has been made as clear to you. How DARE you write back now with your highfalutin verbal debauchery, and challenge my intentions. I repeat: it was YOU who introduced a third party to this proceeding; Mr. Andersons William would be a bug on the windshield, had I been able to go to Amsterdam. Don't get uppity with me, bucko, or you will find yourself explaining to the widow Glendoven why YOU drove ME from helping her at her time of need!

What say you NOW? Go ahead...make my email.

As usual, a testy reply brings on something of a 'retreat':

you are taking this matter too personal. I didnt mean to insult your person. Anway, if I do, forget me please. I am committed to ensuring the widow get her money through you. It was widow that insist you not contact anyone in London to work on this deal. Pelase bear with her. Are you ready to contact Mr. Ansderson? Please do this now.

Oh sure...blame the widow here. I assure you that I am still most annoyed with you, sir. But, in the interests of what is best for the widow's ulteriors here, I will proceed with your third, at the expense of my own. Twit.

So I go ahead and send an introductory email to Mr. Andersons Williams (purposely screwing up the name). What I get back in the next three days, are two successive emails from Mr. Anderson that are blank of any text; the third comes incomplete:

sir: the mesgae tyuped for you was not correct paste. sory for that. here is the full text of mesag. the cost of shipment, claranece and handling charges would be 1,250 pounds stirlings. sned the moneys to me via western union money transfer using the following inforsmations:

Williams Amderson, 48 Regent Street, London SW4. send payment slip to email address an let me have corrent adres for shipment.

What an absolute moron. Just my type as it's time to play, "Piss Off Da Moo-ron":

Mr. Amderson Williams: I hope to f***ing tell you it wasn't correctly pasted. Perhaps YOU've been sniffing the paste. You send me two totally blank emails, and then this incomplete piece of CRAP that I wouldn't wipe your ass with. YOU are the trusted third party to Mr. McCarthy? You are a six-fingered jackass!

I demand that you REREAD THE MESSAGE YOU SENT ME, CORRECT THE OMISSIONS THEREIN, AND RESEND ME THE FULL, CORRECT MESSAGE AT ONCE! Get with the program, Amsted.

Game on:

Mester, no need for insult. the mesage i send and I sended against is same massg is a complete one. go through it once mor and comply with it.

If the insult fits, wear it, Amstel. I see it's the same friggin' message, with yet another friggin' flaw: what about the TEST QUESTION/ANSWER I'm supposed to use on the Western Union, you hammerboned suck egg mule???

While Amderman Willpont ponders that, I send this vent off to McCarthy:

What the f***, Bannister. Your London free-basing third party is totally blowing goats here:

-- he sends me incomplete emails, written by a first grader

-- no wait, a first grader would have done better

This is who you depend on to help the widow Glendoven? I don't trust this buffoon. I don't LIKE this buffoon. I won't DEAL with this buffoon. See what I just did there? I FIRED your buffoon from this deal! I will work directly with YOU, Bannister. Not that nipplehead in London!

LOL...McCarthy is pissed again:

You compalin every little thing. I get same message as ou did from Mr. Anderson. He apologise I think that was enough remosre one should expect from him. I don't have anybody to ship the consignemet except him. I have absolut confidence in him. If you have deep sense of purpose to help the widow, you work with Anderson now. Send him the money he asked for.

Oh YEAH???

Your response is infuriating. Your London free-basing buffoon is unfit to wipe a monkey's ass. Do you want my help for the widow or not? If you do, then GET ANOTHER ASSISTANT! ANYBODY! A F***ING DOOR KNOB WOULD BE BETTER! ANYONE!

McCarthy is still pissed at me, but apparently concerned about losing me at this juncture:

You are at it again. Are we fighting? AM VERY SORRY FOR MAIL. There is okay now? Are you ready to comply with payment? Remeber it is 1,250 pound starling to be sent (THE typo...one that gives me a *TOING*) If you not wish to send money to Mr. Anderson direct, you may send it to my chamber for further remittance to him. You may send it to my secretary name, Martins S. Adamu. I will forward it. Okay?

A "1,250 pound starling"? LMAO...oh, the ideer that just popped into my haid...lemme see if I can keep this ball in play:

WE are not fighting; WE are trying to help the widow Glendoven. But this hammerbonehead of yours in London is f***ing incompetent, period.

But...you offer me an alternative, and I will accept that alternative. I will await updated wiring information, and will prepare to wire you a 1,250 pound starling ASAP.

In the meantime, I decide to further screw with the works, and send an appeal direct to the widow herself:

I write directly to you since you are the reason that we are met in this effort to give me the business. After an extended period of fruitless exchanges, I am of the opinion that your bannister is not worthy of your trust. He has tried to involve me with a thoroughly buffoonish third party in London, and now he wants to add a fourth party, probably of dubious antecedence and tail length. Meantime, he denied ME access to a valued assistant, who if I had been allowed his help, we could have had this deal done by now.

I appeal to you, Widow Glendoven, to let me work directly with you. We can achieve true expedience in this way. These are my thoughts; please to let me know yours. Preferably after spellcheck.

What I get back is a response from a very 'torn' widow, who now wants to involve a fifth party in the mix:

I do not know who to believe. My attorny complain to me about your object to Mr. Andersons in London. Now you want to work with me direct, it means another shipping agent would be involve. I did contact one, a Mr. Wilford Everest. Email him at .......... I wish you not to look at Martins Adamu as a third party, he remains crucal to getting shipment sent. We must make this work, my dear Ben Dover, otherwise you must go to Amsterdam personally to receive shipment. But I would like you to send the money to Mr. McCarthy's secretary, who is currently on leave in Nigeria (*TOING*), he is Nigerian (nooooo...how can THAT be?). Please work with this arrangement, my good friend. I know by your actions that your heart is with me, and inthis I trust you. Please you now trust in me.

I imagined the violin solo from Young Frankenstein at this point...and laughed. But I digress. To grease the skids abit, I send an agreeable response:

Ma'am, I accede to your pregnant request. I will now contact your chosen agent of note. I just hope he's better to work with than that nipplehead in London was.

Then I do nothing. Three days pass, and the widow can stand it no more:

I have not herd from you since your last. I hope all is well, if yes reply this email soonest and let me know where things stand.

After another day, I decide to go back to a 'direct action' plea:

I am nonplussed. I write to your latest contact, and his email address 'bounced' -- it didn't go through. Was he arranged for by McCarthy? Not that it matters at this point.

I want to send the 1,250 pound starling directly to you, Glendoven. In this way I will know that you, and only you, received what I intended right along. How you choose to handle it after I get it to you, is entirely up to you. What's more, in view of the difficulties we have endured, I will forego my commission on this deal; the entire amount is yours, to use for you and yours, as you imagined. So...tell me how to send to you directly the 1,250 pound starling, and I'll make this matter fly to a logical conclusion.

The widow apparently is not being allowed to freelance without her odious colleagues; nor is she able to keep them straight at this point, to my enjoyment:

this is not how it is supposed to work Ben...oh my. sned the money to my attorney's secretary in Nigera. His name is Wilford Everest (it was Martins Adamu..eh). He will get the moneys to London. Send the control number to my attorney direct, please. I am not able to do this myself, please.

Oh, hell...let's add to her 'distress..oh my':

I've had quite enough of dealing with McCarthy and the pack of buffoons he surrounds himself with. I want to send the 1,250 pound starling directly to you. Tell me where to send it to get it directly to you, Widow Glendoven. I will act promptly when you do.

Whoever is playing the Widow Glendoven is quite unstrung at my insistence of sending the money directly to her...what a dipwad. And note just how unstrung she's become:

AM SORRY TO TELL YOU BUT THERE IS NO ALTERNAT FOR ME. TO YOU LET KNOW THAT THEYA ARE THE ONLY THAT ICAN TRUTH FAS AS BUSINS GO. I DONT TO KNOW WHAT ESL IS DONE NOW. PLESE UNDERSAND ME. HELP ME BY USE WHAT I SAY BFOR.

I'm not quite ready to give up on this approach:

Now, widow, it's okay. Really. In fact, remembering that you are in Johannesburg, I have the answer to all of our problems. One question: can you get to your local Western Union office there?

The answer works:

I KNOW OF WETSIN UNION OFFICE HEREBY CLOSE. BUT HOW IS THIS HELP ME?

*Sigh*...well...time to try sending her what they asked for. Except for the fact that I can't find a 1,250 pound starling. So I find something that might work even bettah, and send it, along with my coup de main plan for collecting it:

Widow, now, take a Valium and don't worry. This is going to work so perfectly and easily, you'll wonder why we didn't think of it weeks ago. It so happens that I have a business relationship with someone in the Johannesburg Western Union office. He is a trusted colleague, and he will work with me to help you, as long as you follow the instructions I now give you.

1. You see a picture attached to this email (the one at the top of the column); print it out, because it is pivotal to the outcome. Also print these instructions, so you don't forget. Sequence is important.

2. Take this picture to your local WU; it's really best if you do it.

3. When you get to the clerk at the window, ask for "Foghorn Leghorn". That is not his real name, of course (I can't reveal that, to protect his position at WU), but he'll recognize that as a code word at once. If the clerk you contact looks at you strangely when you say "Foghorn Leghorn", you'll know you've contacted my colleague.

4. Show him the picture. My contact will look at it, then at you, and will ask "what's this?" This will assure you that you have the right clerk.

5. When he asks you "what's this?", you tell him "It's a 2003 Henway".

6. He'll then ask you "what's a 2003 Henway?"

7. You'll then answer "1,250 pounds".

8. He'll immediately pay you the 1,250 pounds.

Try it, Glendoven. I guarantee you of the results!

I waited with guarded anticipation for most of that day; then, I received two replies from Glendoven's email address, both with no text in the message. The next morning, I get a very terse email from Glendoven:

dover damm you! you mak me look idott!!! contat me not more!!!!

When I got done laughing my ample backside off, I, of course, understood the obvious frustration here. Thinking you were going to get a big payday, only to wind up with a henway, one that weighed more than it was worth. I much regret that there was no way to have a camcorder present, to see how this played out at WU, if it did, in fact, get that far.

But, in case it did (as judged from her email reply), *rimshot*

If I were Glendoven & Co., I'd cry "fowl play!" too.