She Ain't Heavy...She's My Scammer

I had heard about a scam tactic where a friend or acquaintance's email account had been hijacked/hacked into, and the scammer used it to try to bilk money out of that person's friends/family.

Until recently, I hadn't personally received such an email. Now, in a short time, I've seen it twice.

The second time, I decided to play (knowing that the person purportedly writing, was NOT on vacation in Scotland at the time).

While the scammer identified him/herself as an acquaintance, my character never identified himself to the scammer. So much the better.

Here was the scammer's opening gambit:

Subject: Horrible Situation!!!

How are you doing? Hope you slept well last nite ? I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, my family and I came down here to Scotland, United Kingdom for a short vacation unfortunately we were mugged at the park of the hotel where we stayed all cash, CC and cell were stolen off from us, luckily for us we still have our passports with us. We've been to the United State Embassy and the Police here in Wales but they're not helping issues at all but we're having problems settling the hotel bill and the hotel manager won't let us leave until we settle the bills. I'm freaked out at the moment...I need you to help me out.

Thanks,

Crystal

There were an obvious number of obvious 'flags' in this email; but the easiest one was how the scammer signed it. My friend has NEVER, with me, gone by that name.

So after letting my friend know that I was gonna have some fun, it began:

Mercy sakes, C! This is sphincter-wrenching dreadful! What can I do?

I'm so glad you replied back, we have nothing left on us right now and we are lucky to have our Life and passport with us it would have been worst if they had made away with our passports.Well i need a quick favor from you,I was wondering if you can lend me $2,250 so that we can sort the hotel bills and get a cab to the Airport...you can have it wired to my name via Western Union I'll have to show my passport as ID to pick it up here,you have my word and i can make it up to you, I promise to pay you back as soon as i get back home. Here's my info (which was again the formal name that my friend never uses, and some address in Edinburgh Scotland). As soon as it has been done, kindly get back to me with the MTCN confirmation number.i owe you a Lot.

Wow, C, you are lucky that it wasn't worst than that! After all our years and experiences together, you had to know you could count on me, and if anyone knows how good you are at making things up, it's me. I think I have the amount you need available. Soon as I get off work, I'll go right to the bank and wire it at once! We can discuss my honorarium when you get home.

Thank you, thank you I knew i could count on you!!! Waiting for wiring informations.

The wait was overnight, and when I checked the next morning, I had this:

Still waiting? Please to hurry! the hotel manager is get impatent.

Dang, C! I completely forgot after work last night! Work was so arduous. I'll go right now, on my way to work! You only need $250, right?

I count on you! No, no i tell you we need $2,250! Wire it via western union just as i told you. hurry please!

$2,250??? Whoa, C! I thought it was only $250. Let me see what I can do here. Get back to you after work.

i still waiting? what is the MTCN please?

There isn't a MTCN yet. I'll get the $250 to you this afternoon, I promise.

i need $2,250! i tell you this? what is the MTCN?

Finally, after a day of exchanges (I wasn't at work, and enjoyed putting 30-45 minutes between emails), I sent this:

Okay, the money is sent. Safe trip home to you, C!

i need the MTCN to get the money? you need to tell me!

Again, I waited overnight before sending a bright and early response:

C, I sent you the money right to where you said. Oh, I didn't send it Western Union; I sent it FedEx Overnight, to the address. You'll have it tomorrow.

An hour and a half later, that drew this spirited response:

you dumass! dont you listen to instruction? send me money Western Union! you are dumass!

It was now time to see how much longer the scammer would entertain their illusion of scamming money from yours truly:

Well hell, C, you shoulda knowd that; we were married for five years, until you had the affair with the neighbor's Great Dane, and you left me to live in a kennel and cook Gaines Burgers for litters. I kept trying to tell you that the movie Deep Throat was just fantasy porn, and not a true-life story. And I'm the dumb ass? You should be happy I didn't write to the authorities over there about your lacking of a flea collar, and your failure to get your distemper shot. So quit whining like a mangy cur and take what you get with aplomb. I'll buy you a box of Milk Bones when you get back. Sheesh...will you EVER grow up?

Guess I shouldn't have been so 'rolled up newspaper' in my approach; communications came to a yapping halt. The scammer wouldn't "speak" to me anymore ;-)