Let's Fake A Deal

Leave it to a scammer to provide me with an opening to recall a famous TV game show from the 1960s-70s.

To see what I mean, feast your eyes on the following scam email:


Greetings,

I am surprised that you did not respond to my previous message till  now. Let me kindly introduce myself again, my name is Mr. Chris Odili.   I am contacting you to see if we can make a deal. I discovered an  unclaimed inheritance fund in our bank.

Actually I don’t have to involve myself officially because of my
position in the Bank but I know what will be required to release the
fund to you and I assure you it is very safe too. Please get back to
me now for more details:

May God bless your golden heart and soul.

Faithfully Yours,
Chris.


Never mind the assured safety of the transaction or my alleged "golden heart and soul" (which proves he don' know me vewy well, do he?)..my inner *TOING* was in the first paragraph, and from thence I runneth literarily amuck:


I hadn't responded to your message because until now you hadn't sent me one you simpering dolt. Check your email and try again.  But now that you've sent me one, I can respond to it.

Let's Make A Deal was a game show that had quite a following at one time. So, what happens if I choose what's behind Door #2?

This is serious business please. What are you talk about a number 2 door?

To the people that worked on it, Let's Make A Deal was a serious show. Please do not belittle their brand of serious by falsely elevating your own. And there is a significant different between what's behind Door #2, and a number 2 door. Please look into it and get back to me when you've achieved enlightenment.

Are we going to do business or not?

It depends on your degree of enlightenment and if you understand the difference between what's behind Door #2 and a number 2 door. A zen philosopher could sort you out in a minute on this. Got one? 

After a few days, it would appear that Chris Odili either didn't have a zen philosopher available, or he settled for what was behind Curtain #3, which explains both the *ZONK* and his change of mind about making a deal with me.

Too bad, too:  I really did want to know what was behind Door #2...

Hoping Stupid Shows Up In Their Christmas Sock

Bear with me on this one.

*Ducking boos and throwd JCM CDs*

The UN and other arginizations want me to be rewarded for having been scammed.

It sez so right in this email:

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family? You may not understand why this email came to you. In regards to the recent meeting between the United Nations, Cyber Crimes Commission (CCc), Federal Bureau of Investigation(FBI) and the United States Government to restore the dignity and Economy ofa Nations based on the Agreement with the World Bank Assistance Project to help and make the world a better place. We have been having meetings for the past 3 months with the Secretary General of the United Nations.

 

This email come to those who are yet to receive their compensation/inheritance/winnings and who have been scammed in any part of the world, this includes every foreign contractors that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or Compensation payments that failed due to Government problems etc. Recently we the Federal Bureau of Investigation(FBI) arrested internet fraudsters and Scammer with large amount of money so if you are receiving this email its means you where select to be compensated as a scam victim among 100 selected victims with part of the money recover from the internet fraudsters account, . The UNITED NATIONS have agreed to compensate you with the sum of $9,000.000.00 USD (NINE MILLION DOLLARS).

100 people where selected across the Globe for this MIDDLE OF THE YEAR COMPENSATION and Your name and email was in the list submitted by our Monitoring Team observers and this is why we are contacting you, this have been agreed upon and have been signed, so you are advised to contact Mr. Fedrick Leo of the United Nations Compensation Commission, as he is our representative in United State Of America. Contact him immediately for your Compensation payment of $9,000.000.00 USD (NINE MILLION DOLLARS) which will be released directly to you in accordance with legal clearance and procedures.

 

It is my pleasure to inform you that your ATM Card Number; 4000128498979908 have been approved in your favor. Your Personal Identification Number is 6062. The ATM Card Value is $9,000.000.00 USD (NINE MILLION DOLLARS) You are advised that a most withdrawal value of $15,000.00 USD is permitted on withdrawal per Day and we are duly Inter Switch and you can make withdrawal in any Inter Switch site and ATM Center of your choice.  

 

It eventually got around to telling me that it would only cost me $370 USD to be so specially picked for this award.

 

Like Jack and Dianne....two American kids getting et..in the heartland.

 

That bear is on to something.

 

But even he couldn't bear what I dun to their email, Ma:

 

 

Attention;

NOTE: If you received this message in your SPAM/BULK folder, it is because it IS SPAM, and not the type you can cut up and fry with all sorts of sh*t to make culinary dishes of dubious ingredicedence.  That said,  we urge you to treat it genuinely, because no one else that's received it has so far, and that hurts our feewings.

 

You may not understand why this email came to you. 

Nor will your therapist.

In regards to the recent meeting between the United Nations Suckretary Genital, the Cyber Crimes Commission (CCc), Fauxderal Bureau of Investigation(FBI) and the United States Government to further dilute the dignity of nations like Nigeria, a bunch of us got together, did some meth and butt boinked some goats, and we made up an Agreement with the World Flank Ass Project to help and make the world a better place for butts of all shapes and sizes.  We have been having meetings for the past 3 months with the Suckretary Genital of the United Nations.  It took three months because he's such a useless twat waffle.

 

This email come to those who are yet to receive this email and have not as yet been scammed in any part of the world and or by any part of the world;  this includes every foreign and domestic motherf**er that may have not received their fair share of getting cyber butt boinked by low life sacks of sh*t like us.

Recently we watched an episode from the 1960s TV show The FBI and we were assured by the fact that never once on that show from the 1960s did they  arrest internet fraudsters and Scammer with large amount of money.  We realize how stupid this makes us sound, but if you don't know why, you're more stupider than we is.

So in this version of a game show where we take elements from The Gong Show, The Newly Wed Game, Let's Make a Deal, The Price Is Vincent and Jeopardy, if you are receiving this email it means you were select to be one among 100 selected victims to be scammed by something so convolutedly cornfusing that even we aren't sure what the AFLAC f**k we've created here. 

At any rate, the Suckretary Genital of the  The UNITED NATIONS have agreed to allow us to try this crap and see if it works. 

 

100 people where selected across the Globe for this MIDDLE OF THE YEAR scam -- even though it's November -- and Your name and email jumped right out at us because some incompetent scammer from a fly infested internet café in Nigeria, South Africa, or some suckass place, by the name of Coin Security and James Patrick, was embarrassingly thwarted in his efforts to give you the business, so now it's our turn.

 

However, you should send us your following:  

Full Name/

Telephone Number/

your Residential Address/

Gender:

Occupation:

New email address for this safety of this transaction

 

Contact Mr. Fedrick Leo immediately for our turn at this sh*t:

 

Mr. Fedrick Leo

Director- Genital,

ATM Scam Card

New Yawhk Field Office

Phone Number: : +1 (785) 7564736 Text Message Only (cuz we don't talk like real New Yawhkas and that'll blow our cover)

Email: mrfedrickleo@yahoo.com     

He is obliged to give you a call and treat your case with utmost contempt that we scammers have for the unscammed...you dirty bastard.

 

NOTE: Under normal circumstances the scam collection of your ATM CARD would involve such acronyms as the IMF, WFA, AMA, ADA, WTF, KMA, UNICEF, UNICORN, UNIDORK,  and a fauxFinance Ministry of a Third World dump of  a country.  And it will ONLY COST YOU just $370 USD only, which is all we need from you to add you to the "Scammed Mugu" files we have on our walls, and occasionally have to use for toilet paper, when the tree bark outside is too green or not growd back yet. 

Yes, that's only $370 USD.  Believe you me, we could have tried to scam you for far more, or what's behind Curtain Number 2.  Some of us motherless scum wanted to, but the Suckretary Genital of the UN said not this time.

Asshat.

Ask Mr. Fedrick Leo  and his desk will tell you how all of this works.  It'll be his desk talking to you, because Mr. Fedrick Leo has an IQ of 36.

 We also advise that you stop further communications with these other imposters; you're ours, Vagina Lips.

 

Making the world like Syria!  Or at least Shotcago.

REGARDS.

Mr.Milner Jacson

mrfedrickleo@yahoo.com  

 

 

Perhaps this will trigger warn them into needing a safe space with cupcakes, puppies and teddy bears.  Oh wait...they're not at Stanford.  Never mind...

Ground Hahaha-wg Day Revisited

In a twist that sort of resembles the worst combinations of the movie Ground Hog Day and auditions for American Idol, I had a scammer try to drag me into a Ground Hog Dayesque loop.

To his regret (I can only hope), I went along for the ride, bad lyrics and all.

The recently-deposed scammer, Joseph Johnson -- of "Job Opportunity!" fame -- didn't bother waiting a couple days to run up his latest scam flag up the pole, and apparently using the same email addresses as heretofore.

Including mine.

This time, the email was entitled HELP NOW!, and it featured Joseph Johnson as someone trying to get a (gullible) American to hep him coordnate Haitian releif fund. A bit late to the party, but there's always maggots around to nibble on the crumbs, I reckon. 'Specially where he's from, but I digress.

At any rate, it was pretty much a short and similar offer as in the previous scam...after I got done laughing my ample ass off, I couldn't hep but say, "oh HELL no...why not one more round!". But not as Ben Dover; no, this one called for the more experienced expertise of my good and handy character, Jack N. Ewehoff. His quick response:

Joseph,

Yes, this whole situation is terrible! Absolutely terrible! What's worse, there are lowlife, scum-sucking, goat-poking, libtard crapheads who see in situations like this an opportunity to take advantage of both the downtrodden, and those who wish to help them. I am very pleased that YOU are of a character that I can work with to help those in need. What can I do to help you give me this business?

I used the same mailing information and phone number as Ben did...what came back was a cut-n-paste of my...er...Ben's previous instructions, on how to wire the assistance money that would be channeled to me, via Western Union, to ...... Adesina Tosin Nelson, in Moscow.

*snort*...so let ol' Jack get this h'yar straight...*chortle*...I'm supposed to receive mailed *donations..smirk* from a coordinator *har* allegedly in the UK, and Westren Union them (the catbox cheeseball never did get how to spell that right) to some person in Moscow, to help Haitians...*guffaw*? This is almost as good as our "stimulus" money going to create jobs in non-existent congressional districts.

So Jack sends him a quick I'm ready, let's get the donations rolling! There's no time to be wasted here!, only to get this eyebrow-raising response back:

okay Jack i read you...i wish only to cauton you to play true to me and not be one to take the money for you. i wish clearly you know this upfont.

I responded with a quick You'll know the taste of disappointment with me only if you play me thus. Which he apparently didn't get.

Instead of a couple of weeks, I get an email from Joseph within hours, that a donation has been mailed to me and that I should receive it shortly. So on Thursday, I shoot him a quick it's here, and I'm taking care of it just the way you warned me to. But of course, it couldn't be, but Joseph doesn't seem to grasp that, either, as an email later Friday confirms:

Jack, soonest you should go to Westren Union and wire fund to Mr. Adesina, and send me with no dealy the mtcn. much on you now depend for this i cannot say to you enough. And following that, came this: Jack, i need hear from you soonest on mtcn. dont dealy this i have to make haste on get this moving. mail me mtcn soonest!

Friday came up nicer than on the East Coast, though storm enough is brewing for a quickly- testy scammer, with enough twists and turns to almost qualify as my own version of the Super Bowel, with the following and increasingly silly exchanges taking place (much of it Friday night night into Sunday morning):

Joseph, I have received advice from a good friend of mine that suggests I keep the money, and instead of sending it via your suggestion, I place it in more dependable hands. What do you think? I think I choose the alternative plan.

HEY LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING OK I HAVE NOT TO ANSWER TO YOU IN TRUST OF MY CARATER, YOU SEND MONEY AS I SUGGEST TO. TRY NO FUNNY STUFF WITH ME OR IT WILL GO NOT GOOD FOR YOU I PROMISE OK.

Thank you for your clear and succinct advice, Joseph. I'll keep the money and use my plan. That okay with you?

hello...i just want to let you know that this is your last change so i think i have all your info with me and i will report you to the FBI so let me know soonest if you areready to send the money or not ok i give you just 12 hours so after that i will report you to the FBI ok.

My choice is to keep the money. 12 hours from now, that will still be my choice. FBI? *smirk*..I have donuts and coffee. How many can I expect?

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN SAM ME...OKA KNOW PROBLEM LET WAIT AND SEE OK. I MAKE YOU SORRY OK.

(now I start with the pure, American Idolesque nonsense...)

*tone of chipped tuning fork....mmmmmmmmm*

As I..walked down, the streets of

Nai-robi..

Asssssssss...I walked out in Nairobi one dayyyyy...

I spied a young scammer

all dressed in brown burlap

dressed in brown burlap

as foul as his smell...

"I see, by your email...that youuuu..are a scammer.."

"I see, by your ree-sponse, you are a scammer too...."

"We see by our emails, that we are both scammers...

If you send an email

you can be a scammer too..."

*bw-ANG*

you strange one but you think you can spend my money? nooooooo...justr to let you knwo that i have already call bank and the money will be call backkkkkk you silly asholeee.

Oh Joseph...bubbi, strange one here: and how, pray tell me, can the money be called back, once it's been cashed and the account on which it was cashed, closed out? Hmmmmm? My friend who advise me -- I think you know Ben Dover -- he tell me all about you. And now, a musical salute to my stupid friend Joseph (with no apologies to the Guess Who):

*laugh-ing..hahaHAhaha

laugh-ing..hahaHAHAHA

laugh-ing..what I'm doing at you, doof

laugh-ing..hahaHAHAHA*

Besides, you spell bad and yo' mama dress you funny...

*Ohhhhhhhhhhh

Scammer got burned,

and I don't care

Scammer he pissed,

and I don't care

Scammer make "theats",

and I don't carrrrrrrrreeeee...

Da Scammer make me laugh

snerx snort*

I reckon your fans at your fly-infested internet cafe aren't applauding you now...*BUZZER*..you LOSE! WARNING...*BUZZER*...WARNING...*BUZZER*...FAIL! SCAMMER FAIL! JOSEPH FAIL! LOSER! *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

YOU THINK YOU GET AWAY LAUGH AT ME OK...SEE PROBLEM YOU NOT LAUGH SOON OKAY.

I laughed yesterday...today..tomorrow...bill-yuns and BILL-yuns of years from now...the Internet laugh at you...your fly-infested peers at fly-infested internet cafe laugh at you...the merekats of the Serengeti laugh at you...when FBI show up for donuts and coffee, they, too, laugh at you. You lose ;-)

(and after all that, comes, as they probably don't say in France unless it's me, Joseph's "pastry resistant" late Saturday night):

hello...so what is going to happen now can we share the money into 2 ok and more over we can work deals together and share future moneys ok. you good.

I am absolutely LMAO on this one. But ol' Jack N. Ewehoff simply MUST reply to this 'un. Simply must:

Joseph, your guts may only be exceeded by your girth, but I digress. Quite an offer you pitch me. Work with someone as accomplished as you, and split the profits. I should be honored. I have it penciled in to so feel, in 2014.

In the meantime, let's see what you've won...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnndddddd the contestant now chooses from what's behind Door #1, Door #2, and Doooooorrrr #3...*drum roll*...*egg roll*....and our contestant has chosen what's behind Dooooooorrrr #3. Do you want to trade for what's behind Door #1? Jay, show Joseph what he would have won if he had chosen Door #1...oops...Jay, tell the wombats they can't do that in prime time...so, does the contestant stick with Doooooorrrrrrr #3? If the contestant would wash more often, he wouldn't stick to it...going once...going twice...*phfffft*...sold, to the cross-dressing scammer in the ill-fitting red dress! Jay, go ahead and open up what's behind Dooooooooorrrrr #3......*waaaa..waaaa...waaaa...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*...*Klaxon*..*Buzzer*...and Joseph, you have won.....a free internet session in a wind-swept tented Internet Cafe, with a free latte mocha full of 1,000,000 dead flies, and an IBM 286 desktop with 28.8 dial up.

In uddah woids, Joey...*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*...I turn down your arrangements. Don't you just HATE when that happens? Sux to be you, shore 'nuff.

i dont like you

Neither does my ex-fiancee. Want her number?

I guess there must be limits to what even a scammer will accept...he didn't write back for the number. It would have been a wrong one, anyway.