Sister Act

Yes, my pet rock Seymour realizes that this is a depiction of Kim Jong-Il, not Kim Jong-un.

Seymour simply doesn't care.

When it's time to edit his favorite pudgepot to edit, Seymour's in for anything.

"Am NOT!!!"

Okay...almost.

Take Seymour's latest edit of the breaking story about Kim Jong-un promoting his sister...and see what my perverse pet rock dun widdit:

North Korea: Kim Jong-un promotes incest with sister Kim Yo-jong

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS
North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has promoted incest with his younger sister and ordered the secretive country’s neutered politburo to sanctify it.

Then again, Kim Yo-jong has been clear that Kim Jong-un's “suggestion” is “poopycork”, carefully reported the North Korean state media. 

“It shows that she ain't gonna take it laying down or in any other position,” said Michael Roweddaboatashore, a North Korea expert at Hop Johnskins Eunuchversity.

For gender neutrality adherents, Kim Yo-jong is inside da coicle

The changes were announced after a meeting of the country’s central committee of the ruling Workers’ party, during which Kim said his nuclear programme were a “powerfur detergent that guaranteed overtaking Keeping Up With The Kardashians on cable TV”.

He then had his press secretary and about a dozen of the North Korean state media executed for teleprompter gaffes.

Amid rumors that Kim Jong-un’s sister is having an affair with Dennis Rodman, we examine why Stephen Colbert looks like such a dork. Then again, who cares?

Kim Jong Suk and Kim Jong Dung, two of the surviving men behind Kim’s programme ideas, were also promoted amid a wider reshuffle and an increasingly tense stand off between Pyongyang and Trey Parker and Matt Stone – originators of South Park and Team America World Police – over their refusal to make a sequel starring Kim Jong-un, thwarting his Oscar and Grammy ambitions.

Officials in Washington have laughed so much at Colbert's ears, they threw in these as a bonus for the next fifty callers at QVC.

Following North Korea’s most noteworthy kimshi fart that shook geography as far away as Wonson,
South Korea’s unification ministry said Ms Kim’s promotions could be an attempt by North Korea to force Liechtenstein to return a missing North Korean sub and other sandwiches.

“The large-scale personnel reshuffle reflects that Kim Jong-un is into drugs and alcohol seriously, and that he’s looking to control the flock of pink elephants that invaded his palace recently,” the ministry said in a statement.  "He has decided that this can best be done by only by his sister act".

Like all members of North Korea’s ruling Kim dysentery, details of Kim Yo-jong’s bowels don't really interest us in this article. Yuck.

Kim Yo-jong has long been an enigma in North Korea’s porn industry and was recently given responsibility for developing the leader’s hair cut and stomach protrusion. South Korean media recently reported that she had replaced a veteran propaganda chief with a slow leaking Hellary sex toy and had assumed that the increasingly screechy squeak was common among American left leaking political failures.  She's more right than she knows.

In a curious aside, in January, the US Treasury rejected placing Kim Yo-jong along with Barack Insane Obola on food stamps. 

A landmark moment of “DUH!!!” came for the rest of the world when the UN reported in 2016 that there was torture, execution and arbitrary imprisonment, deliberate starvation and an almost complete lack of free thought and belief in the country. And for once, the UN meant North Korea.

This really pissed Kim Jong-un off. He said the situation proved that North Korea’s policy of byungjin dyungjin fyungjin poopycork – the parallel development of painful rectal itch through the economy – was “absorutery right”.

In recent weeks, North Korea has launched two members of state media that displeased Kim over Japan and conducted a poll to see if Kim Jong-un is more popular among kneeling NFL players that support Antifa, and was confused to find out that no one was wearing Kim Jong-un t-shirts at West Point or Cold Play concerts yet. 

North Korea is preparing to test a pencil-necked American leftist professor to see if he can help swing the next American election to Miley Cyrus, according to a Russian lawmaker who had just returned from a visit to cnn.

North Korean state media, which operates as the regime butt vacuum, announced that several other Russians all verified that Colbert's ears did look bent and funny.

Two women are currently on trial in Malaysia accused of photoshopping Kim Jong-un in place of Kim Kardashian with an unsuspecting Kanye West earlier this year.

The women, one Indonesian and the other Vietnamese, have pleaded not guilty by wearing vagina costumes and claiming that Anthony Weiner claimed to be agents of Donald Trump and offered them top places in the Miss America Dog Pageant in Berkeley in 2018, and say they were duped into believing they were playing a harmless prank for a cnn hidden agenda. 

And if that doesn't make any sense, four North Korean suspects wearing bent-eared Stephen Colbert masks were allowed to fly home in a prisoner exchange with a Liechtensteinian gerbil named Otto.

Seymour keeps taking these edits further and further from Pulitzer material, and ever closer to Onion territory.

"Do NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

A Pet Rock Edit For The Ages

My pet rock, Seymour, has been chaffing at the quartz to do another scammer email edit.

He outdone hisself with this one.

Witness the meta-edit-asis as the email goes from how it originally arrived:

Attention Beneficiary,

This is to inform you that your payment file has returned back to our
office, and the government is now aware of this your fund of $5,5
Million usd at this moment, and they returned your payment file in our
office for us to start sending your funds of $5,5 Million usd to you
through Western union so that you will receive $5000 twice daily until
the total amount of $5,5 Million usd scheduled in our office is
completely send to you.

Noticed for past years what made you not receiving your $5,5 Million
usd from our office is due to government have not approve your fund
and also you don’t have International transfer permit
certificate(I.T.P.C) which will help you in receiving your payment
from any western union in your Area. Do not contact any office again
except our western Union to avoid mistake because your payment file
and your fund of $5,5 Million usd has been scheduled in our office
right away, what holding us not start sending your fund today is that
Ministry of Finance has not sign and stamp your fund approval
certificate, and i have already take your fund approval certificate to
office of ministry of finance for him to sign and stamp it then to
enable us start sending your fund without any delay.

As you can see here is the MTCN Number of your first payment which we
credited for you today, track it with our website:www.westernunion.com, to confirm that your payment is (available to
pick up)

1)Senders Name:: Holly Waldon
2)MTCN Number::: 7298423178
3)Amount::: $5000.00 USD.

Track it with our website:https://wumt.westernunion.com/asp/orderStatus.asp?country=CN or you
can call this number to confirm the payment of the MTCN Note that on
your reply this massage make sure you send the full information
Remember that the full details you can use to pick up this first
payment will be send to you once we receive the transfer charge of
$70.00, You have to treat urgent by reconfirming your full information
to us immediately you receive this massage to enable us start the
process of your payment immediately.

1.Your Full Name...
2.Your Address...
3.Your Tel Number....
4.Occupation.......
5.Country....
6.City.........
7.Age..........
8.copy of identity card___

Only $70. you will pay for sign and stamp your fund approval
certificate to enable ministry of finance sign and stamp your payment
file today to enable us start sending your fund to you,Contact us at
our Official E-mail Address( pay111unit@gmail.com ) and you have to
re-confirm us with your full information

once again congratulation in advance

Best Regard.Mr.Phillip William Odu
EMAIL:     pay111unit@gmail.com
Office+229 98838231  

...to what Seymour turns it into:


From: Western Benin Lets Make A Deal Office <bergenoid@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, October 14, 2016 1:24 PM
Subject: What's Behind Curtain Number Two 

Attention,

This is to inform you that your first choice -- the caramel asshole

in the clown suit and inflating a yak with helium -- has returned back to our
office, and the government is now aware of your first bad choice in our

version of Let's Make A Really Sucky Deal, with your host, the Monte Hall

of Benin, Ukulele Ungabangabunga. 

Now you have to choose from what's in the big furry envelope covered

in wildebeest semen, what's in Box Number 1, or Clown Suit In The Woods

Number 3, in the life sized sh*t plated Hellary butt thong, or...*drum roll*

what's behind Curtain Number 2.  

Noticed for past years what made you not receiving a prize worthy of

looters in Burntimore is due to government have not approve of your

choice of candidates for pubic orifice; that you didn't renew your

subscription of The Benin Gong Show; that your dead relatives are

not voting for hellary Clinton as suckretary genital of the UN; that

Howard be thy name; that the NBC Nightly Gnus With Brian Williams

was shot down in a hot air balloon over Uranus in 1492 and caught live

on the Hubble Periscope garnering him an Emmy, Uncle and other

relative digressions; and that Kim Kardashian was robbed by Miley

Cyrus doing a twerking pole dance with Lena Dunham and a goat

on The View, allowing Kanye West to declare that Paris Hilton is

the greatest threat to chihuahuas this side of Sheboygan.

Also, there's the little matter that you've been fracking your

septic tank with carbonated douche water and Napa Valley

now smells of vinegar and worse; that your hairy fungerer
and also your cosmic muffin don’t have Intergalactic transfer permit
certificate (I.T.P.C) which will help you to allow geese to molest midgets

in Kansas during houses falling on Hellary's sister after a tornado and

assorted hallucinogens being applied thereabouts. 

Do not contact any office again with the story that your pet ocelot ate

your home room teacher's Beatles record collection without audio that

can be played backward so that the demonics can be clearly heard.

We want to avoid mistake because another season of The Benin

Kardashians will end the government-ruined TV cable service here,

and we'll be left with Cannibal Chefs and Dancing With The

Suicide Vested Dead Terrorists in prime time.

As you can imagine, cast iron wings will not help Wiley Coyote catch

the Road Runner, but will certainly garner an Oscar Mayer or Anthony

Weiner sext for a promise of his getting to do Lena Dunham in a clown

suit portraying Whoopie Goldbrick played by his ex-wife.

 

You have to treat urgent by reconfirming that you're a six fingered

twat waffle to us immediately so that we can publish this in the only

working outhouse left in Benin...a lot of toilet readers are counting

on you.  Start by sending us your:

1.Your Full Name...
2. What You're Full Of...
3.Your Tel Number....
4.What's Occupied Your Shorts Lately.......
5.Country....
6.City.........
7.Age..........
8.Copy of anyone's identity card cuz we're running short.....

All this and less for only $70.  You pay this and we'll know that you're

a certifiable twat waffle and no smarter than a tree stump in the

Kardashian family tree stumps.  

If you has questions, comments, audible belchs or farts concerning

this email don't feel free to contact us at
our unofficial E-mail Address ( pay111unit@gmail.com ) and you have to
re-confirm that goat sex in the Middle East is only R rated in the Democrapic

National Committee video room.

 Mr.Phillip William Odu until next Thursday when he becomes Mrs Wilhemina Idid

for a duet with Miley Cyrus, a pan flute and can of tuna
 EMAIL:     pay111unit@gmail.com
Office+229 98838231

 

Now, the originating scammer wanted apparently nothing to do with the edit or the person/mineral what dun it.  However, one of the recipients to the edit was not quite sure how to react:


OK HERE I AM
HON MR.MARK SMITH  

That's good.  We should all be somewhere.  


YES WHAT DID YOU MEAN PLS  

Did you read the email?  If you read it then you would know what I mean.  If you didn't read it, read it so you'll know what I mean.  If you read it but didn't understand it, say so and I will explain it more clearly (like that email edit is explainable in any way, shape or form, but I don't think it matters with Mr. "WTF" here).

Then he finally read the email and that ended that...for now.

At any rate, this was a Seymour edit for the ages, and will most certainly get Lena Dunham upset because Seymour didn't hit on her.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

A Walton Family Email

Is there a connection between Mrs. Sam Walton and Miley Cyrus?

Probably not, but leave it to me to make one.

I just got an email from a "Mrs. Christy Walton", who therein purports to be the "Second Richest Woman in the World".

Uh huh.

And Miley Cyrus is Paris Hilton's dog.

At any rate, read for yourself what Herself sent me:


Greeting to you my dear Brothers and Sisters the good people of this planet
earth i am writing you this email not to disturb you but to ask for your
assistant based on my personality and my present condition in life and in
particular what i intend doing for CHARITY.

I am Mrs. Christy Walton the 2nd Richest Woman in the world am a great
citizen of United States of America, am bringing to you a proposal which i
want you to assist me with, i worth $25.5 billion Dollars which rates me as
the 2nd Richest Woman in the World.

As the going says Money is not every thing on earth, is painful now to let
the world now know my present condition as a cry for help,I have been
suffering from a Heart disease for the pass 22years,just few weeks ago my
Doctors in America just told me now that is time for me to die, and my Will
which is with my Lawyer which my Family is fully awhere about, but nobody
have knowledge of my savings in Bank deposit which is Worth
$9,000,000.00(Nine Million United State Dollars).

I intend to give to CHARITY because I have not seen anybody from my Family,
Relations and Friends whom i trust that can help me out, because i always
have this DREAM to help CHARITY and i have always promise myself that i most
give this amount at my end time to CHARITY, can i please trust you to help
me give to CHARITY this enormous amount of Money because i have just 2
Months left to die, as I write to you now am full of Tears as I await my
death.

Please reply me back with your below details to enable us proceed further
and please keep this confidential.

NAME......................
ADDRESSES..................
MOBILE:....................
NUMBER.....................
OCCUPATION.................

God Bless You.
Mrs. Christy Walton  


My email cup continueth to run over.  With inert compost.


And how, you might ask, did I respond to the Second Richest Woman in the World?   As my pet rock Seymour says....in total character:


Greeting to you my gullible bros 'n hos and all other such peoples of this part of the Solar System!  Except to them parts what dissed my legacy store and went with a Target instead.  To y'all, piss up a rope.

 

i am writing you this email not to disturb you but to ask for your assistant based on my personality and my present condition in life and in particular what i intend doing to CHARITY or anyone or thing so named.

I am Mrs. Christy Walton the 2nd Richest Woman in the world, and a regular bitch when I lose at canasta.  I fancy myself a great citizen bringing to you a proposal which I want you to assist me with, i worth $25.5 billion Dollars which rates me as the 2nd Richest Woman in the World.  

 

And as you can sees, all that moneys doesn't make me a fart smeller, or any variation therefrom.  Bein' a rich bitch, I hire peoples to be the fart smellers for me.

 

As the going says money is not everything on this Earth.  Just ask Uranus.

 

That's where one of my fart smellers steps in.

 

But even with all my moneys, I am not issuing a cry for help.  I have been suffering from not having as many pairs of shoes as Imelda Marcos did, that bitch.  And now, my Doctors in America are told me that thanks to soetero doesn'tcare, I just losed my doctors and the death panel voted 8-1 to let

me die of demeaning genital warthogs.

 

 I intend to give to anyone named CHARITY all of my genital warts because I have not seen anybody with that name that I like or will share a battery operated dildo with.  i have just 2 Months left to die, unless I get picked to replace Miley Cyrus at the next VMAs, sticking out my butt and tongue at the same time and doing gyrations that will surely cause Nashville to implode as I await my achy breaky genital warts from morphing into something that looks like Kathleen Sebelius.

Please reply me back with your below details to enable us proceed further and please keep this confidential.

NAME......................
ADDRESSES..................
MOBILE, TUSCALOOSA OR OTHER DENTAL ISSUES:....................
NUMBER.....................
OCCUPATION.................

God help someone as dumb as you if you bought this sh*t, 

Mrs. Christy Walton, illegitimate pet gerbil and love rodent of John Boy, who

was really freebasing distilled corn behind the Walton cabin...

 

 

Ms Walton hasn't as yet seed fit to address the edit, though I've been covertly warned that if I ever enter a Walmart store, all those falling price dot icons will jump my ass...