More FBI *FAIL*

No, Cloris Leachman from Young Frankenstein has nothing to do with FBI email scams.

Other than in passing in the edit.

More on that in a bit.

Scam emails, purportedly from the FBI, seem all the rage of late.  So little credibility and so many new and different directors to choose from, the scammers apparently think that if they try enough, they'll come up with an FBI scam letter that 'clicks' with the gullible out there.

Kinda like Hellary Clinton and John Kasich, thinking they can con voters into electing them president.

Here's the latest effort to give my character the business from the formerly venerated organization, under the title of World Bank Grants:


FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS
J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR.
Christopher A. Wray

NOTICE!!!

Our Ref: (Ref Vibe # FRS/019223/UN00155127/CONTRACT E/615AX).

To. Beneficiary:


 We use this opportunity to confirm from you if really you have sent your Doctor as a representative. However, we received an email from one Dr. Mrs. Verani Bekti yesterday who told us that she is your private Doctor and next of kin and that you died of cancer recently. Her contact details:  Address: 110 Interglen Avenue, River Vale, New Jersey 07675. Beneficiary: Dr Mrs Verani Bekti. But from our findings through FIRS (TAX RECORD) we could not find any death record about you.
Please confirm to us immediately that you are alive.

 Note that we are bound to recognize Dr. Mrs Verani Bekti's claim if you fail to promptly respond.
We decided to write to your email and if there is no reply of this message from you within 48 hrs it will be assumed that her information is correct then we shall work with your representative and do what she has requested.

 An irrevocable payment guarantee has been issued by the United Nations (UN) and the International Monetary Fund (IMF) on your Payment. However, we are happy to inform you that based on our recommendation/Instructions you’re complete Compensation fund of USD$4,000,000.00 through a secured/certified mode of payment.


YOU ARE ADVISED TO FOLLOW THIS INSTRUCTION STRICTLY.
CONTACT AGENT Aubrey Farrar Sr.
E-MAIL: fbi.ci.go@hotmail.com

Best Regard,
Christopher A. Wray
Director
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION  


About as convincing as the rest of their ploys.

Mayhaps the edit I sent back will work with a couple or so of their peers that I included in receiving the edit:

From: FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVEGGIEATION <info@fbi.gov.org>
Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2018 1:17 AM
To: Recipients
Subject: WORLD GRANTS THAT YAKS HAVE RIGHTS TO WEASEL SEX

 

FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVEGGIEATION
J. HEADGUARD HEEVER BUILDING

499 S Capitol St SW · (202) 479-1237

WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

OFFICE OF THE MISDIRECTOR.

James "Twerp" Comey

NOTICE!!!

Our Ref: (Ref Vibe # FRS/019223/UN00155127/CONTWACT E/615AX).

To Whom It Should Concern If You're The Whom Referenced Herein:

Instead of using a bugged potted plant, surveillance drone or authentic microphone-hogging Jim Acosta Toilet Paper dispenser that's all the rage at cnn in Atlanta, we use this opportunity to confirm from you if really you (a) have sent your Doctor as a representative (b) if that doctor is one Dr. Mrs. Verani Bekti, if (c)  yesterday she told us that she is your private Doctor and next of kin and (d) that you died of Implosive painful rectal itch of the sinus passage recently.

If you are, in fact, as described in (d), we will need to confirm this.  Therefore, we have a paid psychic medium standing by with ITC equipment, prepared to reach out to you across the Astral Bridge and hear sworn testymonkey from your esteemed and deceased self that you are, in fact, as dead as a can of corned beef.  And, we aren't hesitant to assert, that's pretty well and good dead to be in that condition.

From your doctor -- who resembles Cloris Leachman in Young Frankenstein -- we have these contact details:  Address: 110 Interglen Avenue, River Vale, New Jersey 07675. But from our findings through FIRS (TAX RECORD) we could not find any connection between you and the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute, located in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  And this too, she laid claim to having been deeded from you upon your asserted-to demise.

So whatever the flying fish f**k you are, please confirm to us immediately that you are alive, dead, or in a suspended pickled state like Hellary Clinton.

Note:  e-flat.  Add to that we are bound to recognize Dr. Mrs Verani Bekti's claim if you prove to be dead, or are at least as intellectually stunted as Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez.

We decided to write to your email and if there is no reply of this message from you within 48 hrs it will be assumed that her information is correct then we shall work with your representative and do what she has requested.

An irrevocable stay of execution of flying kumquat hors d'oeuvres guarantee has been issued by the United Nations Suckretary Genital and the International Monkeytary Fund (IMF) regarding the outcome of our communications with your live or dead self.  However, we can confirm that you are NOT on the POTUS's short list of pending Supreme Court nominees, so you will be spared being accused of having sexually molested a coat rack at a frat party in a location not remembered by anyone who wasn't there, give or take 36 years ago, by a collection of democrap activists who have nothing but illicit fantasies about sex with sock puppets and door knobs.

YOU ARE ADVISED TO FOLLOW THIS INSTRUCTION STRICTLY.
CONTACT AGENT Aubrey Farrar Sr.
E-MAIL: fbi.ci.go@hotmail.com

Whatever they tell you to do, don't.

Best Regard,

Robert Mueller
MisDirector
FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVEGGIEATION  

 

 

No response was received from this latest incarnation of the FBI.

 

Cloris Leachman probably did the trick.

The DNC Meets Halloween Edits

Yes, as Halloween approaches, there ARE scary things.

For example.

I got another one of those emails from the Department of the Treasury, the UN, IMF, World Bank, WTF et al, telling me not to deal with scammers and only deal with them.

They don't see the irony in that, but here's how it started:


Subject:  CONTACT BANK OF ENGLAND  STOP CONTACTING SCAMMERS

This is to notify you that your funds worth $6.5 Million United State Dollars has been approved for transfer without any delay. It is left for you to contact the Bank Of England { United Kingdom } for your payment. Be informed all directives has been given to them (Bank Of England) there is nothing to worry about as long as we are here. The United Nation, International Monetary Funds, FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION, and particularly the United State Government and also the Department of Treasury are all keeping tabs on this transaction. We are very sure that there should be no problem in receiving your funds.


Your information is with the Bank Of England as we have forwarded all your data to them in regards to release your funds, all your information have been sent to us from the National Security Agency ( N.S.A) in support from Washington. So for this, your security is ensured that you are in a safe hands.Please for your own good and safety you are advice to stop all pending and previous transactions with a third party. If you are in any way, in contact of receiving your Funds from ( Lagos _ Nigeria ) or Benin, we believe that what ever you are doing with them is a fraudulent attempt to rip you off your money.  


And they went on to list twenty some odd names, most of whom I am familiar with out of Scamland.  I love when they diss their fellow scammers in order to perpetrate a scam themselves.

Meh.

At any rate, an edit was called for.  So I used the biggest scam organization I know just now, to give the edit credibility:


Subject:   You Can't Contact Bank of England if you Stop Contacting Scammers

 ATTENTION : Payment Atrophication

This is to notify you that you has been approved for transfer without any delay. It is left for you to contact the Bank Of England { United Kingdom } to make this arrangement.  Be informed all directives has been given to them ( Bank Of England ) there is everything to worry about as long as we are here.  The United Nation, International Monetary Funds, FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVESTIGATION, and particularly the United State Government and also the Department of Treasury are all keeping tabs on who's trying to grab Taylor Swift's butt cheeks. We are very sure that there should be no problem if those persons so inclined would try grabbing Kim Kardashian's ass, instead.

You can't miss an ass that big.

Your information is with the [ Bank Of England ] as we have forwarded all your data to them in regards to release you for transfer.  All your information have been sent to us from the National Security Agency ( N.S.A) in a data breach from Equiphux with support from Russia and Wikileaks, via Hellary's illicit server.  So for this, your security is ensnared in a web of democrap deceit being orchestrated by the DNC from their basement outhouse that Tim Kaine oversees when he's not making incredibly stupid statements to the mediocres who are only too happy to overlook what he says, while piling on Melania Trump over her high heels, like Martha Crowley would be able to manage them. 

Please for your own good and safety you are advice to stop worrying about your own good and safety.  If you are in any way, in contact of receiving your Funds from ( Lagos _ Nigeria ) or { Benin ], we believe that what ever you are doing with them is a fraudulent attempt to rip off your money that is ours to rip off.

The DNC has all been listed as scammers, so we welcome them into our organization.  Especially those wearing vagina costumes.

Scam Names Listed below to donate money to via us;

1) Hellary Rodehard Clinton
2) Senator Chuck U Schumer
2) Nancy Bela Pelosi
3) Debbie Wasserpuss Schultz aka Medusa
3) Anthony 'Dork Texter' Weiner
4) Tim 'Door Knob Intellect' Kaine
5) Maxi Pad Waters
6) Hank "Guam's Gonna ROLL" Johnson
7) Don "Fake News" Lemon
8) "Cheatin' Tax" Al Not So Sharpton
9) Mr. Rachal Madcow, fake news, pmsnbc
10) Reprehensible Luiz "Full of Caca" Guitierrez
11) Mayor Rahm "No Lie Should Be Wasted" Emmanuel, Pity of Shotcago
12) Mrs. Barack Hussein Obola and her husband, Michelle
13) Al "Man-Bear-Pig" Gore
14) Ashley Twatwaffle Judd
15) Steven Colbert Fallon Kimmel aka The Pencil Neck Boyz

16) John Rino McPain
17) Bill "Blow Sh*t Up Weatherman" Ayers
18) Linda Islamofascist Sarsour
19) The entire Hollyweird Leftard community
20) "Needs a safe space" Cupcake Shep Smith
21) The Vacuous Dysintellects of The View


Be informed that we have given order to Art Carney, the former sewer worker of The Honeymooners, to monitor all fecal transactions and make sure you are cheated in any way.  Don't let the fact that he's dead dissuade you; the DNC solicits votes from the dead every election.  That's why we hate voter ID verification.

Name : Mark Carney
Email : markcarney028@gmail.com

Your cooperation and understanding on this is needed to stop any other transaction in any form with any one or bank or any organisation and comply with the The Governor, Bank of England to limit the risk of scam globally .


 Demoncrap National Crimemittee
430 South Capitol St SE,Washington, D.C. 20003 

Disunited States if we have our way

...........................................................................................................................

Please be notify that this email or message regarding you is send to you from US Demoncrap National Crimemittee in cooperation with the United Nation office of international email scams to remove limit to any fraudulent act under the jurisdiction of the United State Government : we scoff at the Fraud Act of 1988 in conjunction with the DNC therefore, any copy right of email doesn't mean jack sh*t or any other bowel movement.

 

---

As usual, I copied the DNC on this when sending it back to the originating scammer and a boat load of their piers and colliers.  As usual, no reply from the DNC.

 

I think they're still busy obsessing on Melania's shoes.



Don't Fart In The Centerpiece

For all of you that receive a decorative centerpiece floral design for the holidays from an anonymous admirer...relax.

It's just the NSA.

Well maybe.

Once again -- and in a less intimidating tone than used more recently -- the FBI is again contacting me about internet scams.

They and the UN want to compensate me.

The NSA could have told them I haven't been scammed yet.

Oh well....at any rate, the FBI works in mysterious ways.  And from exotic places.  Like somewhere in the Scam Capital of Africa.

So I kept some of that in mind, along with a couple of nice, not-too-loud shout outs to the NSA, just 'cuz that's the type of dude I am:

Not Your Grandfather's FBI
James B. Comey
Excutive Director
September 4, 2013 - Present


FEDERAL BURRO SEEKING TO WIRETAP THE INTERNET, MAKES ASS OF SELF.

This mail serves as a listening ear to the NSA, who remind you not to fart into the flower arrangement on your dining room table; the ear pieces they use are sensitive.

 

We have been having a meeting for the past 7 months which ended 2 days ago with the end of our donut delivery contract.  What we concluded after a 7 month meeting is that (a) we need more donuts (b) we should have had three porta-potties instead of one (c) John Kerry really IS ugly up close (d) Hillary Clinton has gas (e) and we want the Gong Show brought back.

 

The Secretary General of the United Nations Organization had decided that, as far as scams on the internet go, this is okay.  If the current potus can run the ACA scam online, so can we of the United Nations.  We have to be good at something.

 

 This message is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world:  the United Nations did it.  What's more, we are up to doing it again and again and again, until we are sure that we have missed no one.  

We have a database of victims that we cannot access because we used the same IT developers that your potus used for his ACA online scam, and ours doesn't work any better than Oregon's does.  But you may rest assured that we're working on making it even worse than it is.  It's what we of the UN do.

 

Today, we are pitching a swift card scam, wherein our operatives at Third World internet cafes throughout Nigeria, Benin, Burkina Fatso and Ghana are trying to send you an ATM card that is constipated.  That is to say that you won't be able to get sh*t from it, but it will cost you to receive it.  We love how it works that way.

 

Dammit...which one of you just farted into your table centerpiece flower arrangement?  We had an NSA person go running through here shouting that he was deafened by a death fart...

INSTRUCTION/WARNING FROM HIS EXCELLENCY DR YAYI BONI:  when using the ACA webblight, remember to flush and wash your hands.  There's nothing but dishonest sh*t there.

Instead, you should contact OUR webslight -- a masterful knockoff of the ACA site that will allow us to get all your personals without you getting anythings back in return -- and ask to have speaks with this person:

Name: MR TOBAK JAMES DOLA
Position: Auditor General (NAICOM)
E-mail: tobak-directorcustomercare@live.com

Note: we are on investigation and security watch over any message with the ACA, to benefit the satisfaction of all the douche nozzles of the potus staff by seeking to wiretap peoples who call the ACA a scam on the internet.  They is obliviously jealous that the potus can screw up a wet dream with Jay Carney's junk.

 

 Without wasting much time, we want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.  We had two cuckoo clocks already get away today alone.

Should in case you need any more information's in regards to this notification, feel free to get back to us so that we can debrief you more as we are much in shortage here of quality briefs.  Loin cloths made of tree bark just don't get it done, and leave ugly scratch marks on our junk. 

 

Thank you very much for your co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.

Regards,

James B. Comey
Federal Burro Making An Ass Of Itself (EXCUTIVE DIRECTOR) 

No, I haven't as yet received my anonymously-sent decorative centerpiece floral thingee with Spock ears attached; when I do, my first act of appreciation will be to see if it flies from three stories up.

Bet that'll leave an audible mark...