Seymour Ain't Letting Up on Kim Jong Un

My pet rock, Seymour, cannot contain himself when he sees an article about Kim Jong Un.

Like recently, when it was announced that citizens and soldiers supportive of Kim Jong Un's regime were receiving awards.

Like they had a choice.

Donning his *editing pet rock gone wild* hat, Seymour pitched in to this latest Kim Jong Un revelation with relish and a side of fries:

North Korea commends workers, soldiers not yet executed for remaining cowed by Kim Jong Un

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS


SEOUL, Dec. 20 (UPI) -- North Korea held a staged commendation ceremony to recognize citizens not yet executed and/or imprisoned who played a part in supporting the comic opera regime, according to state media organ KGAG.


Pyongyang's toilet paper alternative newspaper Rode Hard Put Away Wet dutifully reported Tuesday a ceremony that honored "the workers and soldiers – not yet executed and/or imprisoned – who contributed to the spread of Kim Jong Un's efforts to get a prominent role in the sequel of Team America World Police under the whole sky" on Monday in Wack Dong He (some )Assembly (required) Hall.


The newspaper did not mention whether Kim Jong Un had been a “faithless elector” and changed his electoral vote or not, though it was rumored that hosebeast Michael Mooron's offer to pay his fines was “rearry tempting”.


A medal named after the rotting corpse of North Korea founder Kim Il Sung went to Ding Chao Ping, and a medal named for similarly decaying remnants of Kim Jong Il was awarded to the rebuilt marionette Arec Bardwin, a key player in the first Team America World Police movie, according to the report.


Merits for "surviving interrogation" went to what's left of eight people including Dang Dung Poo. Others were recognized with the Kim Il Sung-Kim Jong Il commendation execution anti-aircraft gun minature action figure or the Kim Il Sung-Kim Jong Il youth tampon award.


A citation named after current leader Kim Jong Un – which he received from a Wonsan traffic cop Un subsequently had strapped to a test rocket that blew up over the Sea of Japan – was also included in the ceremony."Award panelists commented even the tiniest result was given the highest honor, since otherwise the ceremony would have been over in two minutes” anonymous sources afraid of execution said.


State media organ KGAG also noted 2017 is the year marking the 105th birthday of "Comrade Kim Il Sung" and the 75th birthday of "Comrade Kim Jong Il and the 35^th birthday of “Comrade Moo Kow Sung” the Wonder Yak.


"A resolution was hastily drafted and adopted to mark the [upcoming] year of proud victory in Kim Jong Un's campaign to be the prominent figure in an upcoming Team America World Police sequel," the alternative toilet paper opined.


North Korea recently ignored the response by TAWP creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to Un's ongoing efforts at getting TAWP sequeled. “That's f***ed up right there”.


According to South Korean sources not yet caught and tortured, residents of Pyongyang observed a three-month silence and traffic was stopped near Kim Il Sung Square due to a giant kimshi pothole on Saturday.


A life sized inflatable Kim Jong Un – softly whistling from a slow leak – attended a ceremony at the Kumquat Palace of the Glorious Fish Head as top official Choe Ryong Hae was executed for having yawned during Un's soulful rendition of the song made famous by his father, Kim Jong Il, “I So Ronery.”

This one just might get Seymour his coveted "Pull My Fanger" Award for literary chutzpah.

"Will NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

NEVER Try To Scam Santa

Being mooned by a snowman is the least of your worries when you try to scam Jolly St. Nick.

Not that this was in the intention of the scammer who tried to impersonate Homeland Security:

I,m Jeh Charles. Johnson. The secretary of the U.S Department of Homeland
security Washington DC. Office Address: 3801 Nebraska Ave NW, Washington, DC
20016, United States. We received a report from ECOWAS that you have an
abandoned fund worth U.S.D 12.5 Million in West Africa. I have instructed
ECOWAS and the concerned authorities to bring the consignment box to our Head
office in Washington DC. the fund will arrive my office today. I want you to
kindly Reconfirm Your Full Name, Current Home Address, Nearest Airport and your
Direct Cell Phone # So that preparation can be made for the delivery of the
consignment to your home address
Chat Conversation End  

My pet rock, Seymour, decided that it was his turn to take to task a Christmas scammer, and he did it with an edit worthy of no one at the North Pole, aside from a couple of elves annoyed with the "Elf on a Shelf" abuses run amok online:


To: jehcharles14@gmail.com
Subject: Re: FELGERCARB FROM SOCK PUPPET SECURITY

 

jehcharles14@gmail.com

On Sunday, December 18, 2016 3:51 PM, Jeh Charles. Johnson, having ingested a sh*tload of egg nog laced with Exlax <giulianogambacorta@alice.it> wrote:
 

I..I say that's I...I say that's me..Jeh Charles Johnson, and I has the singular or plural

pleasure of being knowd as the Suckretary of the Obola diminished Department of

SOCK PUPPET SECURITY.   I make do with palatial orifices located in Washington

 DC. Orifice Address: 3801 Nebraska Ave NW, Washington, DC, 20016, United States.

In a nonplussing turn of events not foreseen by pollsters, msnbc or the DNC oracle

shaped like a toilet that was kept hidden in DWS's orifice until it was time to have to

read it -- at which time it had to be hosed off -- we received a report from ACOWSASS that

you have been determined to be on Santa's "very very VERY BAD LIST" and I have

thus been instructed by ACOWSASS and the concerned authorities to arrange for you

to receive from Santa, that which your very very VERY BAD behavior is deserving of

you to receive.

This is irrevocable, as you have been very very VERY that BAD.

I want you to Reconfirm Your Full Name and Current Home Address

so that Santa is certain to crap down the proper chimney.

 Chat Conversation End Roger Over and Out.

 

This probably netted me a lump of coal; then again, since Seymour joined a carbondating site, that could work out well for him.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Hoping Stupid Shows Up In Their Christmas Sock

Bear with me on this one.

*Ducking boos and throwd JCM CDs*

The UN and other arginizations want me to be rewarded for having been scammed.

It sez so right in this email:

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family? You may not understand why this email came to you. In regards to the recent meeting between the United Nations, Cyber Crimes Commission (CCc), Federal Bureau of Investigation(FBI) and the United States Government to restore the dignity and Economy ofa Nations based on the Agreement with the World Bank Assistance Project to help and make the world a better place. We have been having meetings for the past 3 months with the Secretary General of the United Nations.

 

This email come to those who are yet to receive their compensation/inheritance/winnings and who have been scammed in any part of the world, this includes every foreign contractors that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or Compensation payments that failed due to Government problems etc. Recently we the Federal Bureau of Investigation(FBI) arrested internet fraudsters and Scammer with large amount of money so if you are receiving this email its means you where select to be compensated as a scam victim among 100 selected victims with part of the money recover from the internet fraudsters account, . The UNITED NATIONS have agreed to compensate you with the sum of $9,000.000.00 USD (NINE MILLION DOLLARS).

100 people where selected across the Globe for this MIDDLE OF THE YEAR COMPENSATION and Your name and email was in the list submitted by our Monitoring Team observers and this is why we are contacting you, this have been agreed upon and have been signed, so you are advised to contact Mr. Fedrick Leo of the United Nations Compensation Commission, as he is our representative in United State Of America. Contact him immediately for your Compensation payment of $9,000.000.00 USD (NINE MILLION DOLLARS) which will be released directly to you in accordance with legal clearance and procedures.

 

It is my pleasure to inform you that your ATM Card Number; 4000128498979908 have been approved in your favor. Your Personal Identification Number is 6062. The ATM Card Value is $9,000.000.00 USD (NINE MILLION DOLLARS) You are advised that a most withdrawal value of $15,000.00 USD is permitted on withdrawal per Day and we are duly Inter Switch and you can make withdrawal in any Inter Switch site and ATM Center of your choice.  

 

It eventually got around to telling me that it would only cost me $370 USD to be so specially picked for this award.

 

Like Jack and Dianne....two American kids getting et..in the heartland.

 

That bear is on to something.

 

But even he couldn't bear what I dun to their email, Ma:

 

 

Attention;

NOTE: If you received this message in your SPAM/BULK folder, it is because it IS SPAM, and not the type you can cut up and fry with all sorts of sh*t to make culinary dishes of dubious ingredicedence.  That said,  we urge you to treat it genuinely, because no one else that's received it has so far, and that hurts our feewings.

 

You may not understand why this email came to you. 

Nor will your therapist.

In regards to the recent meeting between the United Nations Suckretary Genital, the Cyber Crimes Commission (CCc), Fauxderal Bureau of Investigation(FBI) and the United States Government to further dilute the dignity of nations like Nigeria, a bunch of us got together, did some meth and butt boinked some goats, and we made up an Agreement with the World Flank Ass Project to help and make the world a better place for butts of all shapes and sizes.  We have been having meetings for the past 3 months with the Suckretary Genital of the United Nations.  It took three months because he's such a useless twat waffle.

 

This email come to those who are yet to receive this email and have not as yet been scammed in any part of the world and or by any part of the world;  this includes every foreign and domestic motherf**er that may have not received their fair share of getting cyber butt boinked by low life sacks of sh*t like us.

Recently we watched an episode from the 1960s TV show The FBI and we were assured by the fact that never once on that show from the 1960s did they  arrest internet fraudsters and Scammer with large amount of money.  We realize how stupid this makes us sound, but if you don't know why, you're more stupider than we is.

So in this version of a game show where we take elements from The Gong Show, The Newly Wed Game, Let's Make a Deal, The Price Is Vincent and Jeopardy, if you are receiving this email it means you were select to be one among 100 selected victims to be scammed by something so convolutedly cornfusing that even we aren't sure what the AFLAC f**k we've created here. 

At any rate, the Suckretary Genital of the  The UNITED NATIONS have agreed to allow us to try this crap and see if it works. 

 

100 people where selected across the Globe for this MIDDLE OF THE YEAR scam -- even though it's November -- and Your name and email jumped right out at us because some incompetent scammer from a fly infested internet café in Nigeria, South Africa, or some suckass place, by the name of Coin Security and James Patrick, was embarrassingly thwarted in his efforts to give you the business, so now it's our turn.

 

However, you should send us your following:  

Full Name/

Telephone Number/

your Residential Address/

Gender:

Occupation:

New email address for this safety of this transaction

 

Contact Mr. Fedrick Leo immediately for our turn at this sh*t:

 

Mr. Fedrick Leo

Director- Genital,

ATM Scam Card

New Yawhk Field Office

Phone Number: : +1 (785) 7564736 Text Message Only (cuz we don't talk like real New Yawhkas and that'll blow our cover)

Email: mrfedrickleo@yahoo.com     

He is obliged to give you a call and treat your case with utmost contempt that we scammers have for the unscammed...you dirty bastard.

 

NOTE: Under normal circumstances the scam collection of your ATM CARD would involve such acronyms as the IMF, WFA, AMA, ADA, WTF, KMA, UNICEF, UNICORN, UNIDORK,  and a fauxFinance Ministry of a Third World dump of  a country.  And it will ONLY COST YOU just $370 USD only, which is all we need from you to add you to the "Scammed Mugu" files we have on our walls, and occasionally have to use for toilet paper, when the tree bark outside is too green or not growd back yet. 

Yes, that's only $370 USD.  Believe you me, we could have tried to scam you for far more, or what's behind Curtain Number 2.  Some of us motherless scum wanted to, but the Suckretary Genital of the UN said not this time.

Asshat.

Ask Mr. Fedrick Leo  and his desk will tell you how all of this works.  It'll be his desk talking to you, because Mr. Fedrick Leo has an IQ of 36.

 We also advise that you stop further communications with these other imposters; you're ours, Vagina Lips.

 

Making the world like Syria!  Or at least Shotcago.

REGARDS.

Mr.Milner Jacson

mrfedrickleo@yahoo.com  

 

 

Perhaps this will trigger warn them into needing a safe space with cupcakes, puppies and teddy bears.  Oh wait...they're not at Stanford.  Never mind...

Walton Meets Edit

Meet Christy Walton.

She sent my character an email.  Wherein she claims to be dying and wants to share some of her also-claimed $41.7 billion dollar assets with my character.

Uh huh.

Here's how she shakes her booty:


Calvary greetings to you in the name of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ and may the peace of the lord be with you as you read this letter. My name is Christy Walton and I am an American Citizen, I am a widow and a business woman. I have recently been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and a rare heart disease which has defiled all medical treatment. Expert diagnosis has shown that I have few days to live. I am worth $41.7 Billion US Dollars which I inherited from my late husband Mr. John T. Walton which rates me as the First richest woman in the world.

The intention of this email is to employ the expertise of a Charity minded individual, who can identify a viable and guarantee reasonable distribution of my wealth to the needy. I cannot rely on family and closest relatives anymore, as they did not show responsible behavior when I entrusted part of my wealth to them to distribute to charitable organizations but instead they used the money for their personal needs.

To prevent any more mishaps, my attorney will act as a check, monitoring every aspect of the Charity. My will is with my Lawyer which my family is fully aware about, but there is 5% of my Bank worth which is ($2,085,000000.00 USD) which nobody is aware of except my attorney.

Do get back to me as soon as you receive this email for further details. Please endeavor to keep this confidential. I await your response.

God bless you.
Mrs. Christy Walton   


My character only remembers a TV show by that name, and doesn't reckon it's the same thing.  But it'll have to be worked into the edited email that went back to Christy and Co:


Cavalry greetings to you in the name of George Armstrong Custer, who fell at Little Big Horn and couldn't get up because he didn't have a first alert bracelet transceiver.  He shouldn't a left the fort without one.  What a douche nozzle.

May you fart loud and savor as you read this letter. My name is Christy Walton and I am forever tainted by having been on the show The Waltons, where I had to listen to John Boy recounting, over and over again, his drunken escapade in town of chasing parked cars and humping dogs on his 18th birthday.  Schnapps and Five Hour Energy drinks are a bad mix, dude.

I have recently been diagnosed with painful rectal itch and a rare fart disease which has defiled everyone and anyone that runs afoul of it.  Or, for that matter, afowl of it, as I watched one of my farts cause the AFLAC duck to think he was Daffy and go chasing a pack of coyotes in western Kansas. 

 

 Expert diagnosis has shown that I have rubbed my rectal raw from the itch, and have a butt full of slivers from dragging myself around the front room on it, trying to quell that itch.  SNL did a parody of this I am told, but it is only in syndication on Uranus and my TV can't pick that up.  *About now someone is saying "see what they just did there" and I want to hit them with a carp*.

Now here is the kicker:  when I started out, I was worth $41.7 Billion US Dollars which I inherited from a pygmy tribe in Dearborn, MI.  Now I am destitute, because all my medical treatments have wiped out everything but $9.95, which leaves me barely enough to buy the next Ronco or K-Tel thingee I see on an infomercial on QVC.  

 

 

The intention of this email is to ask you to send me something extra, as I just saw they are compiling episodes of The Gong Show on DVD but each one costs $9.95 plus tax and shipping.  I don't have the plus cost and shipping.  Canya hep me out h'yar?

Don't bother me with clarity minded individuals who can identify a vegebong and guarantee totally random distribution of bottles of my farts to the needy. I cannot rely on family and closest relatives anymore, as they were all eaten by that Dearborn pygmy tribe at a Country Harvest Buffet in 2015 during a National Short Round Day for Fine Dung Candied Bulls.  

To prevent any more mishaps my attorney will act as a check; I am curious as to where you're going to put your signature on him before you cash him at a bank.  

Do get back to me as soon as you receive this email so that I can see what some yutz did to it and clear up any obscurities that may have resulted from you thinking that this was a Billy Dale advertisement for the Bonco Drone Flying Twat Waffle Iron, perfect as a gift that keeps on giving (because you'll keep regifting it to get it as far away from you as possible).

  

  Please endeavor to keep this confidential because I don't want this email to wind up on Wikileaks as a result of Hellary's leaky email server. I await your incredulous response.

 

God bless you if you just sneezed.  Did I get any on me?
Mrs. Christy Walton  


We will probably never know if the scammer "got any on her", cuz since the edit was dispatched, it's only been *crickets* from that end, and as we all know, pygmies don't like crickets.

FauxKet Air

Mr. Ly Tan Seng is wondering what ever happened to his email scam.

Cuz it don't resemble what it did when it arrived in my character's email box:

Greetings,

I am Mr.Ly Tay Seng and a personal Accountant Director with Foreign Trade Bank of Cambodia (FTB).
it is with good spirit of heart i opened up this great opportunity to you A deceased client of mine that shares almost the same name as yours died as a result of heart-related condition on march 2005.His heart condition was duo to the death of the members of his family in the tsunami disaster on the 26 December 2004 in Sumatra Indonesia where they all lost their lives..{More info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2004_Indian_Ocean_earthquake_and_tsunami}

There is a draft account opened in my bank in 1999 by a long-time client our bank,a national of your country.he was a CEO/a textile company owner,business man,a miner at kruger mining company here in Cambodia. he was a geologist and consultant to several other mining conglomerates operating in Cambodia,China,Taiwan,Japan,Indonesia,Pakistan,Vietnam all in Asia,before he passed away on 12th march 2005 leaving nobody as the next of kin of his account after his death.

The amount in this account is currently $19,340,000 (Nineteen Million Three Hundred and Forty Thousand United States Dollars) I want to present you as a beneficiary,I will use my position and influence in our bank to make they release this money to you for us to share.If i wait for days and i do not hear from you,I shall look for another person.

Kindly get back to me for more details, 

Yours sincerely
Mr. Ly Tay Seng
Board of Director
Foreign Trade Bank of Cambodia
Phnom Penh  

Nawp...it don't look like that after my character's edit that was shared with dozens of the scammer's peers and colleagues:

From: Mr . Wun Phat Bum <scanner@sportmalta.org.mt>
Sent: Friday, November 11, 2016 6:48 AM
Subject: VERY IMPORTANT !!!

 

Greetings and egg roll,

I am Mr. Wun Phat Bum and a pilot for O Phuk No Airline of Cambodia (OPN) with service to wherever Bill Clinton want to get some.

it is with too many ingested spirits that i opened up this great airline opportunity to you.  A deceased colleague of mine that used to fly with me -- Captain Sum Ting Wong -- died as a result of heart-related condition when he realized his plane -- a single engine Ceasedna -- stopped working at 9500 feet over Cape Notwork on March 2015.  His heart condition was due to what happened next.  Along with him at the time were co-pilots and OPN Airline employees Ho Lee Phuk, Bang Ding Ow, Wei Be Dung and Wi No Luk.   They were able to crash land the plane in the sea, but while swimming to shore, were eaten by sharks.

Even though Ho Lee Phuk was wearing his good luck ham at the time.

The airline has been equipped with the latest gadgetry available from Acme Corporation, recommended to us by a Mr. Wile Coyote -- a long experienced aviation pioneer -- and his business partner Mr. Roadrunner, so what happened with my colleagues was a shock to no one in particular. 

That's where you hopefully come in.

 

My colleagues and I had a draft account opened in my bank in 2003, wherein when we had saved enough, we were going to donate to the Clinton Crimedation and get some airline concessions in their "pay to play" arrangements via newly elected Hellary Clinton.  Unfortunately, as November 8 showed, that plan is now shelved and we need another scheme for our money.  We had intended to buy Frontier Airlines, so that we could harvest and eat the tail mascots in a line of Fast Phuk's Cambodian Drive Thru restaurants here in Cambodia.  Now we need a different ploy.

The amount in this account is currently $19,340 (Nineteen Thousand Three Hundred Forty in Nigerian Naira; about $63 in USD)  and I want to make this amount available to you for a modest fee, along with your help in securing the Frontier Airline animal mascots for our restaurant idea.  I will use my position and influence in Cambodia, but I need you or someone that looks like you to help make some part of this work out, otherwise I'll be shoveling komodo dragon sh*t for the next 20 years.

Kindly get back to me for more details, 

Yours sincerely
Mr. Won Phat Bum
Chief Pilot
O Phuk No Airline of Cambodia

mr.lyseng444@gmail.com
Phnom Penh, no relation to Sean

some relation to Bic

 

Of some surprise here, my character on this one drew a scammer who could actually read:

what kind of kidding is this?  

The kidding kind.  What kind was yours?  

I didn't get an answer to that.  However, it does mean a reprieve for the Frontier mascots, even if they've been unemployed ad-wise.

Ettu, Hellary.

...I've seen that look...

The Online Hazards of Asking For Hep

The election's over, Mooch.

The scams never are, however.

Here's another from Lome, Togo, a hotbed of things that Mooch would find distressing if she had a clue what really was:

Greetings From Miss Lea Esther Bahati,

With all due respect, I want you to read my letter with one mind and help me. I am The only daughter of late Mr.and Mrs Bahati,

My Late father was a very wealthy cocoa dealer in Lome Togo before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discuss on a business deal.

my mother died when she was given birth to me, since then my father took me so special because I am motherless. Before the death of my father on 22nd June 2015 in a private hospital here in Lome Togo. He secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of USD5,000,000.00 United States dollars left in a fixed deposit account in a local bank here in Lome Togo, that he used my name as his only daughter for the next of kin in deposit of the fund.

He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates that I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, such as real estate agent,

I am 17 year old. Dear I am honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways.

1) To provide any bank account where this money would be transferred into.

2) To serve as the guardian of this fund.

3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a residential permit for me in your country. Moreover, I am willing to offer you 30 percent of the total sum as compensation for your effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your nominated account overseas.

I want you to help me not because of the 30 percent I want to offer you but to take me as your adoptive child and take good care of my life. Please save my life.

Hope to hear from you.

Thanks and God Bless

Yours Faithfully  Lea Esther Bahati.  

 

 

Kinda gives you that "awwwwww" feeling right between your bowels, don' it?

 

Neither will the edit:

 

 

With no due respect, I want you to read my letter with one mind and then seek the input from multiple focus groups before voting on whether or not to help Donald Trump fondle Moochelle Obola's penis, what with him being so disgusting and all.  I think that's a digression but I'm not sure, having fallen out of a 60' tree here raking leaves, which really doesn't help me.

I am The only pan-gendered prodigy of late Mr.and Mrs Bahati, a couple of morphodites of dubious sexual proclivities.  My Late father was a very horny sort in Lome Togo before he was forced to listen to 24 hours of Hellary's "fingernails on a blackboard" voice which lead him to throw himself off a 2' ledge into a pit of indifferent black mambas that were practicing the Macarena with a twerk emphasis, when he was impaled on Miley Cyrus's crotch.

My mama died in a primate hospital here in Lome Togo because we thought it was a people hospital, and she wasn't able to vine swing from admissions to the ICU ward like the other inmates. 

While auditioning to be one of Bill Clinton's intern genital humidors, he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that if I donated the a sum of USD5,000,000.00 United States dollars to the Clinton Crimedation, he'd get me a kickback and use petroleum jelly when he shoves the cigars in my gitz...and he wouldn't light them.

Generous bastard.

I am 17 year old, using crummy core math.  Actually, I'm 17 in dog years and look like Helen Thomas...after she died.

What's to be done in a manure not usually restricted to democrapic interns of Bill Clinton:

1) To be done in all the ways that Lisa was in Team America World Police.

2) To serve as the garnish of a crap salad.

3) To make arrangement for me to come or at least breath hard to further my education and to secure a crapload of free stuff during a George Soros paid-for riot somewhere over there; I hear your stores have toilet paper, Cheetos and Ding Dongs.

I want you to help me not because of the fact that I'm a low life piece of crap; I want to offer you but to take me as your adoptive child since Angelina Jolie overextended and George Clooney is too wrapped up with sh*t in Darfur and encouraging illegal immigrants to live in his property outhouse, mowing his lawn and sh*t.  Please save my life tonight, Sugar Bear, with no royalties to that funky glasses freak, Elton John.  Benny and the Jets my ass.

Hope to hear from you on which city George Soros and Hellary has riots in next...I want free Twinkies and Nike tampons.  

 

The edit didn't get a response from the scammer, but I'm sure it got me on Mooch's and Hellary's crap salad lists...

Banking By The Numbnuts

Ol' Ken Roberts of Standard Chartered Bank, Nigeria, thinks he got up early enough in the morning to put one over on moi.

Here's his ploy:


Dear 3102892372, 

Greetings to you. My name is Kenneth Roberts. I work with Standard Chartered Bank in Abuja, Nigeria. I have been chosen to be your account officer and i am here to serve you. I am to assist you in activating your account with us. The details to achieve these are below.

A cash deposit must be made into your account for activation to occur. The cash paid into your account would determine how much your daily limit would be 

 

Your activation amount determines how much you can transfer at a time 

 

Below various activation fees. Please choose one and make payment depending on the amount you wish to transfer daily 

 

1. $100 activation gets you to transfer $10,000 daily

2. $200 activation gets you to transfer $50,000 daily

3. $500 activation gets you to transfer $1million daily

4. $1000 activation gets you unlimited amount of transfer daily

Name: Kenneth Roberts

Address: Kwali, Abuja, Nigeria

Question: details

Answer: activation

After sending the money, send an email to me with the MTCN for western union or reference number for moneygram. Send your email to ( kenroberts60@yandex.com ) 

Once i receive the MTCN and your personal details as below, I will activate your account. Once active, I will send you all your online login details. You are free to transfer daily out of your account with us into any account of your choice. The daily transfer limit will depend on the amount you send.

NB: Please send the activation fee details along with your information as below. Send your email to ( kenroberts60@yandex.com )  

 

 

You get the idea.

 

Needless to say,  ol' Ken didn't get up early enough to sell this h'yar...I work nights  ;-)  And had this edit ready to greet him and his chums the next morning:

 

 

Dear 3102892372,

Greetings to you, Binary Aggregate. My name isn't really Kenneth Roberts; it's something far more unpronounceable.  I work with a collection of butt scratching, public assistance receiving dolts that are currently playing like they actually work for Standard Chartered Bank in Abuja, Nigeria.  Work?  A four letter word here.  At any rate, it's my turn on the desk top as the others are out fingering their behinds on a lunch break, so I have been chosen to be your account officer and i am here to give you the business, aka serve you. I am to assist you in activating your account with us. The details to achieve these are below and basically irrelevant. 

 

 

A cash deposit must be made into your account for activation to occur. That's how me and my butt picking friends get paid.  We intend that you believe you will get large sums of cash for small deposits, though around here with the exchange rate between the dollar and the West African franc being what it is, $100 is a good month for us.  

So the way our game is played...you send us an "activation fee", assuming that you can transfer much larger amounts into your account with us.

Tee f**king hee on the latter, but I digress without knowing what that means.  

Below various activation fees. Please choose one and make payment depending on the amount you wish to transfer daily 

 

1. $100 activation gets you a free shrunken head from Ghana

2. $200 activation gets you a free spell cast on some inanimate object in your home, whereupon -- assuming the spell works -- it will attack you and rape your DVD player

3. $500 activation gets you a picture of all of us bowing in your direction while we pick our asses and laugh hysterically

 

 

4. $1000 activation gets you emails from the Clinton Crimedation that will wind up in the hands of the Russians, Chinese, Mongolians, Homopatheians, Cromagnus Rex and a couple of girls gone wild sororeties frequented by Bill Clinton daily  

 

 

Please choose one of the higher amounts above and make payment.

For ACTIVATION:

A cash deposit of any of the amounts above must be made into your account before your account can be activated. There are two ways to achieve this. You are to come to Nigeria and get eaten by our local cannibals who leave us alone so's long as we send someone their direction weekly.  OR, I could assist you in doing it...if you want me to assist you, you are to choose an option above and send the amount to me by moneygram or western union using my details below

Name: Kenneth Roberts

Address: Kwali, Abuja, Nigeria

Question: WTF

Answer: HellaryTF, that's who 

After sending the money, send an email to me with the MTCN for western union or reference number for moneygram. Send your email to ( kenroberts60@yandex.com )

Once i receive the MTCN and your personal details as below, I will foul myself in abject joy that we found us an abject nipplehead that actually thinks you can send money to an African country and get back more money in return...no wonder democraps in your country riot in and burn down their own neighborhoods. 

NB: Please please PUH-LEEEASE send the activation fee details along with your information as below. Send your email to ( kenroberts60@yandex.com )  Please let me be the first to pull this off...I can win a date with a virgin yak imported all the way from Newark.  Include please:

a. Your Full Names

b. Your Full Address

c. Your Phone Number

d. Your Next of Kin and their email (so we can play them too)

e. Your Date of Birth

f. MTCN or Reference Number for amount sent

g. Amount sent 

 

 

Thank you for letting us give you the business with us.

Kenneth Roberts

Foreign Twat Waffle Iron mechanic when not masturbating anacondas

Standard Chartered Bank

Abuja, Nigeria

kenroberts60@yandex.com   

 

 

Ol' Ken musta been very disappointed that I didn't fall for the account activation fee scam; or he's busy setting his alarm clock for earlier.

 

It won't be early enough ;-)

Moron Jurassic Air

When a scammer wants to affirm authenticity, he always turns to recognized companies and forms of transport.

Like this one tried:

WELLCOME TO THE UPS EXPRESSES COURIER SERVICE:

 

DEAR CUSTOMER, THANKS FOR USING OURCOURIER SERVICE: your  ATM Card package is officially registered with our UPS COURIER SERVICE  for immediate convening to your destination, please open the attached fill /view  your ATM Card package preparing, the delivery charges already paid by U.N treasury accept the insurance fee & the security keeping fee of $95 dollars which you have to sent to the UPS treasury staff office with the below receiving information to enable the UPS Delivering chief security officer sign & stamp your package for delivery, make the payment with the below information’s through western union or money-ram transfer office of your choice there in your country,

 

The payment slip & information’s should be forwarded to us once the payment is done for our office record file keeping,

 

Receiver Name: CELEB ONAH EDE

Country BURKINA FASO

City- OUAGADOUGOU

Question……….. My

[Answer……… own

Send Name and MTCN............?

Amount $95 DOLLARS

 

You are hereby given 5 working days to make the payment as to avoid counting demurrage, accord into the law OF UPS Delivering company world wide, We shall proceed for the delivery as soon as we confirm the required payment from you, your registration tracking details will be send to you, make sure that you transfer the fee today or tomorrow morning to allow us proceed on your service as soon as possible.

 

Best Regard.

Mr.Zongo Damnai

Director UPS EXPRESS COURIER SERVICE

Email Address: mr.zongodamani66@gmail.com  

 

 

So my character has five days to ship out $95 to some yutz in Burkina Fatso or the deal is off, eh?  Well, I could simply wait out the five days and leave it at that.  But that ain't my way.

 

So I respond thus, affirming to the scammer that here, I only use one form of air courier service:

 

I don't use UPS.  I use Jurassic Air exclusively.  You want something delivered?  You will have to get on Jurassic Air's shipping list.  

Jurassic Air:  when it absolutely positively can get lost or eaten overnight.

 

 

The scammer actually replied to this as follows:

 

you are having jest with me?  

 

No jest.  When Jurassic Air delivers, throw it a sheep and you'll get your delivery.  Don't have a sheep handy and still want your delivery?  Be prepared to offer up a healthy portion of  Jurassic hors d'oeuvre...or become one.

 

Suddenly, Mr. Zongo seemed to have lost his thirst for my $95...