Walton Meets Edit
She sent my character an email. Wherein she claims to be dying and wants to share some of her also-claimed $41.7 billion dollar assets with my character.
Here's how she shakes her booty:
Calvary greetings to you in the name of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ and may the peace of the lord be with you as you read this letter. My name is Christy Walton and I am an American Citizen, I am a widow and a business woman. I have recently been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and a rare heart disease which has defiled all medical treatment. Expert diagnosis has shown that I have few days to live. I am worth $41.7 Billion US Dollars which I inherited from my late husband Mr. John T. Walton which rates me as the First richest woman in the world.
The intention of this email is to employ the expertise of a Charity minded individual, who can identify a viable and guarantee reasonable distribution of my wealth to the needy. I cannot rely on family and closest relatives anymore, as they did not show responsible behavior when I entrusted part of my wealth to them to distribute to charitable organizations but instead they used the money for their personal needs.
To prevent any more mishaps, my attorney will act as a check, monitoring every aspect of the Charity. My will is with my Lawyer which my family is fully aware about, but there is 5% of my Bank worth which is ($2,085,000000.00 USD) which nobody is aware of except my attorney.
Do get back to me as soon as you receive this email for further details. Please endeavor to keep this confidential. I await your response.
God bless you.
Mrs. Christy Walton
My character only remembers a TV show by that name, and doesn't reckon it's the same thing. But it'll have to be worked into the edited email that went back to Christy and Co:
Cavalry greetings to you in the name of George Armstrong Custer, who fell at Little Big Horn and couldn't get up because he didn't have a first alert bracelet transceiver. He shouldn't a left the fort without one. What a douche nozzle.
May you fart loud and savor as you read this letter. My name is Christy Walton and I am forever tainted by having been on the show The Waltons, where I had to listen to John Boy recounting, over and over again, his drunken escapade in town of chasing parked cars and humping dogs on his 18th birthday. Schnapps and Five Hour Energy drinks are a bad mix, dude.
The intention of this email is to ask you to send me something extra, as I just saw they are compiling episodes of The Gong Show on DVD but each one costs $9.95 plus tax and shipping. I don't have the plus cost and shipping. Canya hep me out h'yar?
To prevent any more mishaps my attorney will act as a check; I am curious as to where you're going to put your signature on him before you cash him at a bank.
Do get back to me as soon as you receive this email so that I can see what some yutz did to it and clear up any obscurities that may have resulted from you thinking that this was a Billy Dale advertisement for the Bonco Drone Flying Twat Waffle Iron, perfect as a gift that keeps on giving (because you'll keep regifting it to get it as far away from you as possible).