Walton Meets Edit

Meet Christy Walton.

She sent my character an email.  Wherein she claims to be dying and wants to share some of her also-claimed $41.7 billion dollar assets with my character.

Uh huh.

Here's how she shakes her booty:


Calvary greetings to you in the name of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ and may the peace of the lord be with you as you read this letter. My name is Christy Walton and I am an American Citizen, I am a widow and a business woman. I have recently been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and a rare heart disease which has defiled all medical treatment. Expert diagnosis has shown that I have few days to live. I am worth $41.7 Billion US Dollars which I inherited from my late husband Mr. John T. Walton which rates me as the First richest woman in the world.

The intention of this email is to employ the expertise of a Charity minded individual, who can identify a viable and guarantee reasonable distribution of my wealth to the needy. I cannot rely on family and closest relatives anymore, as they did not show responsible behavior when I entrusted part of my wealth to them to distribute to charitable organizations but instead they used the money for their personal needs.

To prevent any more mishaps, my attorney will act as a check, monitoring every aspect of the Charity. My will is with my Lawyer which my family is fully aware about, but there is 5% of my Bank worth which is ($2,085,000000.00 USD) which nobody is aware of except my attorney.

Do get back to me as soon as you receive this email for further details. Please endeavor to keep this confidential. I await your response.

God bless you.
Mrs. Christy Walton   


My character only remembers a TV show by that name, and doesn't reckon it's the same thing.  But it'll have to be worked into the edited email that went back to Christy and Co:


Cavalry greetings to you in the name of George Armstrong Custer, who fell at Little Big Horn and couldn't get up because he didn't have a first alert bracelet transceiver.  He shouldn't a left the fort without one.  What a douche nozzle.

May you fart loud and savor as you read this letter. My name is Christy Walton and I am forever tainted by having been on the show The Waltons, where I had to listen to John Boy recounting, over and over again, his drunken escapade in town of chasing parked cars and humping dogs on his 18th birthday.  Schnapps and Five Hour Energy drinks are a bad mix, dude.

I have recently been diagnosed with painful rectal itch and a rare fart disease which has defiled everyone and anyone that runs afoul of it.  Or, for that matter, afowl of it, as I watched one of my farts cause the AFLAC duck to think he was Daffy and go chasing a pack of coyotes in western Kansas. 

 

 Expert diagnosis has shown that I have rubbed my rectal raw from the itch, and have a butt full of slivers from dragging myself around the front room on it, trying to quell that itch.  SNL did a parody of this I am told, but it is only in syndication on Uranus and my TV can't pick that up.  *About now someone is saying "see what they just did there" and I want to hit them with a carp*.

Now here is the kicker:  when I started out, I was worth $41.7 Billion US Dollars which I inherited from a pygmy tribe in Dearborn, MI.  Now I am destitute, because all my medical treatments have wiped out everything but $9.95, which leaves me barely enough to buy the next Ronco or K-Tel thingee I see on an infomercial on QVC.  

 

 

The intention of this email is to ask you to send me something extra, as I just saw they are compiling episodes of The Gong Show on DVD but each one costs $9.95 plus tax and shipping.  I don't have the plus cost and shipping.  Canya hep me out h'yar?

Don't bother me with clarity minded individuals who can identify a vegebong and guarantee totally random distribution of bottles of my farts to the needy. I cannot rely on family and closest relatives anymore, as they were all eaten by that Dearborn pygmy tribe at a Country Harvest Buffet in 2015 during a National Short Round Day for Fine Dung Candied Bulls.  

To prevent any more mishaps my attorney will act as a check; I am curious as to where you're going to put your signature on him before you cash him at a bank.  

Do get back to me as soon as you receive this email so that I can see what some yutz did to it and clear up any obscurities that may have resulted from you thinking that this was a Billy Dale advertisement for the Bonco Drone Flying Twat Waffle Iron, perfect as a gift that keeps on giving (because you'll keep regifting it to get it as far away from you as possible).

  

  Please endeavor to keep this confidential because I don't want this email to wind up on Wikileaks as a result of Hellary's leaky email server. I await your incredulous response.

 

God bless you if you just sneezed.  Did I get any on me?
Mrs. Christy Walton  


We will probably never know if the scammer "got any on her", cuz since the edit was dispatched, it's only been *crickets* from that end, and as we all know, pygmies don't like crickets.

More Walmarters

The world of Walmart.

I could be convinced that these people are from Uranus.

Some of you see what I just dun there.

At any rate, another scam email from a Walmarter:

Dearest Friend,

I HOPE THIS EMAIL REACH YOU IN GOOD CONDITION.  I am Mrs. Christy Walton a great citizen of United States of America born in Jackson, Wyoming, United States, I bring to you a proposal which I want you to assist me with. I am worth $ 22.5 billion Dollars which rated me as the 2nd Richest Woman in the World. But as the saying goes, money is not
everything. It is painful now to let you know that I have been suffering from a Heart disease for the past 22 years and just few weeks ago my Doctor told me that I won't survive the illness. And my Will being with my Lawyer of which my family is aware about, but nobody is aware of my 40% Bank Worth which is $9,000,000,000 (Nine Billion United State Dollars).Please reply if interested.

Please reply me back with your below details to enable us proceed further and please do keep this confidential.

Email: waltonchristy1@lycos.com

Sincerely
Mrs Christy Walton  


Instead of doing an edit -- which would have been rather like shooting fish sticks in a bucket -- I simply responded to the email thus, using how the scammer started it as the keynote:


I regret to inform you that it did NOT reach me in good condition.  *Smiley Face Icon FAIL*  It arrived on life support, apparently hit by a cyber platypus stampede in transit.  Despite all efforts to save it, it died in the throes of monumental syntax error.  And water spots.

You could choose to resend it, but not by way of the last routing.  I hear those cyber platypus are wreaking havoc all along that cyber router.  

My scammer wasn't quite sure what to do with that response:

what is this you talk?  

I talk of great herds of run amok cyber platypus, stampeding and trampling cyber binaries into chopped and scattered syntax errors, making 404 error codes a thing of the now.  Such is the fate as befell your message.  Such may be the fate of countless other messages unless the scourge of stampeding cyber platypus are expunged.  Are you in?  


Apparently not.  The great Walmart empire would seem to have limits...
 

A Walton Family Email

Is there a connection between Mrs. Sam Walton and Miley Cyrus?

Probably not, but leave it to me to make one.

I just got an email from a "Mrs. Christy Walton", who therein purports to be the "Second Richest Woman in the World".

Uh huh.

And Miley Cyrus is Paris Hilton's dog.

At any rate, read for yourself what Herself sent me:


Greeting to you my dear Brothers and Sisters the good people of this planet
earth i am writing you this email not to disturb you but to ask for your
assistant based on my personality and my present condition in life and in
particular what i intend doing for CHARITY.

I am Mrs. Christy Walton the 2nd Richest Woman in the world am a great
citizen of United States of America, am bringing to you a proposal which i
want you to assist me with, i worth $25.5 billion Dollars which rates me as
the 2nd Richest Woman in the World.

As the going says Money is not every thing on earth, is painful now to let
the world now know my present condition as a cry for help,I have been
suffering from a Heart disease for the pass 22years,just few weeks ago my
Doctors in America just told me now that is time for me to die, and my Will
which is with my Lawyer which my Family is fully awhere about, but nobody
have knowledge of my savings in Bank deposit which is Worth
$9,000,000.00(Nine Million United State Dollars).

I intend to give to CHARITY because I have not seen anybody from my Family,
Relations and Friends whom i trust that can help me out, because i always
have this DREAM to help CHARITY and i have always promise myself that i most
give this amount at my end time to CHARITY, can i please trust you to help
me give to CHARITY this enormous amount of Money because i have just 2
Months left to die, as I write to you now am full of Tears as I await my
death.

Please reply me back with your below details to enable us proceed further
and please keep this confidential.

NAME......................
ADDRESSES..................
MOBILE:....................
NUMBER.....................
OCCUPATION.................

God Bless You.
Mrs. Christy Walton  


My email cup continueth to run over.  With inert compost.


And how, you might ask, did I respond to the Second Richest Woman in the World?   As my pet rock Seymour says....in total character:


Greeting to you my gullible bros 'n hos and all other such peoples of this part of the Solar System!  Except to them parts what dissed my legacy store and went with a Target instead.  To y'all, piss up a rope.

 

i am writing you this email not to disturb you but to ask for your assistant based on my personality and my present condition in life and in particular what i intend doing to CHARITY or anyone or thing so named.

I am Mrs. Christy Walton the 2nd Richest Woman in the world, and a regular bitch when I lose at canasta.  I fancy myself a great citizen bringing to you a proposal which I want you to assist me with, i worth $25.5 billion Dollars which rates me as the 2nd Richest Woman in the World.  

 

And as you can sees, all that moneys doesn't make me a fart smeller, or any variation therefrom.  Bein' a rich bitch, I hire peoples to be the fart smellers for me.

 

As the going says money is not everything on this Earth.  Just ask Uranus.

 

That's where one of my fart smellers steps in.

 

But even with all my moneys, I am not issuing a cry for help.  I have been suffering from not having as many pairs of shoes as Imelda Marcos did, that bitch.  And now, my Doctors in America are told me that thanks to soetero doesn'tcare, I just losed my doctors and the death panel voted 8-1 to let

me die of demeaning genital warthogs.

 

 I intend to give to anyone named CHARITY all of my genital warts because I have not seen anybody with that name that I like or will share a battery operated dildo with.  i have just 2 Months left to die, unless I get picked to replace Miley Cyrus at the next VMAs, sticking out my butt and tongue at the same time and doing gyrations that will surely cause Nashville to implode as I await my achy breaky genital warts from morphing into something that looks like Kathleen Sebelius.

Please reply me back with your below details to enable us proceed further and please keep this confidential.

NAME......................
ADDRESSES..................
MOBILE, TUSCALOOSA OR OTHER DENTAL ISSUES:....................
NUMBER.....................
OCCUPATION.................

God help someone as dumb as you if you bought this sh*t, 

Mrs. Christy Walton, illegitimate pet gerbil and love rodent of John Boy, who

was really freebasing distilled corn behind the Walton cabin...

 

 

Ms Walton hasn't as yet seed fit to address the edit, though I've been covertly warned that if I ever enter a Walmart store, all those falling price dot icons will jump my ass...