If Only He'd A Read It

Welcome to Burkina Faso, gateway to scamming the world.

Well, it's at least one portal they use.

This scammer -- like so many from that part of the woild -- didn't bother much with English literacy.  He just sends out templates like this:


Dear Friend

I am Dr. Youssef Bakary, I Have a Business Proposal of $5.3 million For You.
I am aware of the unsafe nature of the internet, and was compelled to use this medium due to the nature of this project. I have access to very vital information that can be used to transfer this huge amount of money, which may culminate into the investment of the said  funds into your company or any lucrative venture in your country.
If you will like to assist me as a partner then indicate your interest, after which we shall both discuss the modalities and the sharing percentage.Upon receipt of your reply on your expression of Interest
 I will give you full details, on how the business will be executed I am open for negotiation.
Thanks for your anticipated cooperation.
Note you might receive this message in your inbox or spam or junk folder, depends on your web host or server network.

Thanks’
Best Regards
Dr.Youssef Bakary.  


Eh...nothing new here. 

So I turned it over to my duo of 'editing gone wild' pet rocks, Seymour and Element.  And sure 'nuff, they found something to key off of from the original email:


From: Dr. Youssef Bakary, <dr.youssefbakary890@gmail.com>
Sent: Sunday, January 19, 2020 6:16 PM
Subject: On A Roll...or Croissant  

I am Dr. Youssef Bakery.  That's what and who I am.  That's what and who I do.  DOH!

I knead your dildo to make it rise and yeast infections here are a good thing.

When our buns are hot and crossed, it makes our fecal deposits look all funky.

I am aware of the unsafe nature of the internet, and was compelled to use this extra-large due to the nature of this meadow muffin project. I have access to very vital information that can be used to transfer this huge amount of Twinkies, which may culminate into the largest loafing exercise ever attempted in your company or any lucrative venture in your country.

 If you will like to assist me as a partner then indicate your interest, after which we shall both discuss the modalities and the manner of bakering needed.

Yes, I used to be in making explosive prayer rugs.  They had a tendency to premature when vacuumed, and were sending the wrong kind of prophets through the roof.

So I switched to making pickle bread using dildo.  Things just rose from there.

Upon receipt of your reply on your expression of Interest  I will give you full details on how the business will be executed.  Method and manner of execution can be as humane or savagely abrupt as desired.  I am open for negotiation as long as you're not Kim Jong Un.

Thanks for your anticipated cooperation.

Note you might receive this message in your inbox or spam or junk or painful rectal itch folder, depends on your web host or server network.

Thanks’
Best Regards
Dr.Youssef Bakery
"We aren't Hostess, but We'd do her if she wuz h'yar"   

We -- the pet rocks and I -- weren't long in finding out that Youssef wasn't much for reading replies, just reacting to them:

Dear Friend,

I thank you very  well for your kind and urgent reply to my mail,
Every necessary arrangement to transfer this fund into an account
which you are  going to provide has been put in place.

The deceased account holder with our bank was Robert William, a
Germany nationality. he held account number, No.2637578-2341 with our
bank. He died along with his entire family on, December 2014 in plane
crash with Airbus A320 Plane.

Since his death, this account has been dormant and nobody has applied
to our bank for the release of this money to him or her as the next of
kin.

Note, all I need from you is a fully assurance that this fund will be
safe in your hand till I arrive in your country because I am very sure
that the fund will be transferred to your account after all legal
inheritance procedures has being administered by the bank management
in as much as you agree with the terms.  

It went on for a few more turgid paragiraffes, and ended thus:

i am waiting to hear from you. Regards,

Your Partner

Dr. Youssef Bakary
From Ouagadougou Burkina Faso Call me immediately +226 56 71 87 19.   

My character -- quite bored with the whole thing by now -- simply replied thus:

Okay, so you want me to call you Immediately.

Hello, Immediately.

Besides you not reading English very well,

how's things in the Third World sh*thole of Burkina Fatso, Immediately?   

As things went, that got no reply from Youssef.  And to the pet rocks, that simply would not do.

So they engineered a second edit:

From: Dr.youssef Bakery <dr.youssefbakary.67@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 21, 2020 3:53 PM
To: jacknjillwentoffthepillnowjill'sasbigasjack101@hotmail.com
Subject: Morose details about bakery stuff in Burkina Fatso 

I thank you very  well for what kind of replay was that to my mail.
Every necessary arrangement to understand your reply has been put

in place with no apparent success on my end.

My Third World smellpecker still spits out a series of WTF every time

I try to translate what you said.

 So I try try again:  the deceased with dead overtones was Robert William, a
Germany nationality from Cleveland. He died along with his entire family

on December 2014 in plane crash with an airborne sleigh with eight

reindeer and a very fat, intoxicated red-clad Norse legend.

Ghosts of past, xmas presents and future all went phfffffft and are now in a

mental home in Liechtenstein getting therapy to avoid having Scrooge

sound like Mr. Magoo.

 Since this untoward advent that NORAD failed to prevent because the

Iron Box missile missed and wound up as twins in the movie Hollywood

Knights, we have no idea how to proceed.  If you're reading this, you

understand the dilemma.

 Note, all I need from you is a fully assurance that you won't have a pair

of smart-ass pet rocks edit this because I am very sure that they will

totally fuck up the intended meaning of this email.  Editing-gone-wild

pet rocks tend to do that to emails from places like here.

 The fact is that whatever information we’re going to present before
the House Unintelligence Committee will be somehow made to look

like imappleable offenses by the current US President the cancerous

democraps hate so much.  We already know that their machinations

won't fly in the Senate, and that has everyone at cnn and ms13nbc

fouling their knickers.  Even George 'Sharpai' Soros looks more

pruned than usual.

 After the process is completed and the who-hit-John kicks in, we'll

all come out like it's Halloween, if Maggot doesn't screw everything

up prematurely.  Up to that, the Major's men were on a spree.  That's

what you get with a Dirty Baker's Dozen in Hollyweird.

 Before we proceed further, I want you to understand that this email

didn't look the least like this when it left my desk here in Burkina

Fatso.  But once two pet rocks -- Seymour and Element -- got hold

of it, now it looks like South Park after the Barbara Streisand monster

pillaged the whole community with Godzilla-like menstrual cramps.

You really shouldn't have let that happen, but that show is still on

the air and man-bear-pig is still a menace to society, almost as '

much as maligNANCY Pelosi and her DNC whores, including the

gender-neutral Adrienne 'Full of' Schiff.  I really need your attentions

to avoid mistakes from your side.

 To confirm your readiness, do correctly furnish me with a complete

list of all the virgin farm animals you know of in your community

that I can have sex with the next time I'm at the DNC for dead and

inanimate voter registration:

1:Full Name:..........
2:Address:..........
3:Nationality:.........
4:Age:..........Date of Birth:..........
5:Occupation:..........
6:Phone:..........Fax:..........
7:State of
Origin:..........Country:..........
8: Your Mobile number:..........
9.Your Private Email Address:..........
10 :Married:..........:Single:..........'Octosexual Orthopod'...........

N/B: Please note telephone communications are easily monitored

so we will need to use semaphore or phive smoke signals in

Azerbaijani Morse code as we proceed.

 Please also note that this email has to keep as top secret since
I am still a on parole from prison for sodomizing Yugo tail pipes

in Arkansas and rundown neighborhoods in Yemen and Newark.

 I am waiting to hear from you.

Regards,

Dr. Youssef Bakery
From Ouagadougou Burkina Faso
Please refer to me henceforth as Immediately in all

communications of any kind or language.

+226 56 71 87 19.   

The pet rocks eagerly anticipated a third edit to go with the first two, but alas, someone on Youssef's end finally had enough sense to read what was coming back to their little Third World internet cafe sh*thole.

And didn't like it.  And refused further repartee.  Oh well...

With A Name Like Hazmat, What DOES This Scammer Expect? -- Part 2

That was kind of the response h'yar, when ol' Sofia proved beyond any and all doubt that she can't read squat.  She certainly didn't read the edited reply to her original email, even though she sez she did.

And she proves it here:


Thanks for your respond, as you can see and understand this transaction demands trust and understanding. which will leads the transaction to be successful. It is my pertinent to explain to your understanding better before proceeding further, so there won’t be any delay, what you must know here is that I am appointed you as the beneficiary of my fund which is the sum of $6, 5 Million United State Dollar. even though you are a distant relative, as the beneficiary of my fund which was deposited in Boa Group Bank of Africa,  

(the WTF picture making sense to you?  Read on if it ain't...it so will)

 

Listen; am orphaning you this funds in other for you to make use of 50% of the funds for orphanage home. Because due to my illness and I don’t want the funds to lost in Boa Bank of Africa that is why I contacted you, and this is an opportunity for you too. Meanwhile as am talking to you now am in the hospital, I have being in this situation over four years now. I have spend all my money over this sickness yet there is no solution over it but getting worse, the last test I take the doctor said that am not going to last anymore.

 

(It would appear that her comprehension is already gone where no brain cell still works...)

 

My condition is getting bad worsted every day by day that is while i desired to contact you with this brief letter to enable you to solicit your partnership to transfer the sum of ($6,5 Million United State Dollar) Six Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollar. which I deposited in the Boa Bank of Africa My heart is heaving me which I don’t believe I can still live up to a month, that is the reason I contacted you to stand as the beneficiary of the funds to transfer the funds into your nominate bank account, and after the successful transferring of the funds into your nominate bank account. 50% percent of the total amount of the funds is yours personal use, while 50% percent go for the less-privileged people, and for helping various orphanages.

 

(yup, my scambaiting character was born to service windows and organs...)

 

I love to serve God; my advice is that whoever that wants to serve God should serve him with spirit and truth, because God is the most high. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

So i will likely want you to contact the Boa Bank of Africa, with application letter to apply to the bank for the funds transfer, so that the bank can put you through on what can be done in other to transfer the fund into your nominate bank account again I don’t need 3rd party in this transaction.

 

(The God I happen to believe in is doubled over LHAO just now...)

 

Below is The Bank Application.

 

Dear Boa Bank Of Africa

Mrs. Sofia Hazmat. ask me to contact your bank to enable your bank transfer her fund sum of ($6,5) Six Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollar. into my Account information stated BELOW,

 

BELLOW IS THE CONTACT OF THE BANK.

FILL IT AND SEND IT TO THE BANK IMMEDIATELY.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

ATTN: PROF JACOB ALI

THE REMITTANCE DIRECTOR

BOA BANK OF AFRICA OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO)

BANK EMAIL (groupbankofafricabfbf@financier.com)

   

Dear Sir,

APPLICATION OF CLAIM FUND.

I am. . . apply to the Bank as beneficiary owner sum of $6,5 Million United State Dollar. I humbly apply and put claim over Mrs. Sofia Hazmat fund balance with the Boa Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso and i kindly want the fund to be transfer to my Bank Account. I wish to advise your bank to kindly return the fund to this Account No: stated below:

BENEFICIARY CUSTOMER: _______________

Your Country ________________________

Your State __________________________

Bank Name: __________________________

Address of Bank:_____________________

Receiving Country:___________________

A/C N:_______________________________

Swift code:__________________________

Private Tell no:_____________________

Your International Passport or Photo Copy:_________

Occupation:___________________________

Age:_________________________________

 

Wishing my application will be given an urgent attention, as I wish the balance be released, and re-transferred into my account details.

Accept my apologies for the late application it was due to some logistic problems, which have been just settled.

Thanking you for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours sincerely.

i am ...  

 

The pet rocks -- Seymour and Element -- are urging me to fill out the bank app.  Either that, or take what's behind Door #3.

*Jeopardy Theme*

I went with the urging of the pet rocks:


ATTN: PROF JACOB ALI

THE REMITTANCE DIRECTOR

BOA BANK OF AFRICA OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO)

BANK EMAIL (groupbankofafricabfbf@financier.com)

   

Dear Sir,

APPLICATION OF CLAIM FUND.

I am Jack N. Ewehoff. . . and as directed by the director of the last part, I am apply to the Bank as beneficiary owner sum of $6,5 Million United State Dollar. I humbly apply and put claim over Mrs. Sofia Hazmat fund balance with the Boa Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso and i kindly want the fund to be transfer to my Bank Account. I wish to advise your bank to kindly return the fund to this Account No: stated below:

BENEFICIARY CUSTOMER: Jack N. Ewehoff

Your Country ________________________USofA

Your State __________________________Chaotic

Bank Name: __________________________Bank of Fawg, Ltd

Address of Bank:_____________________4334 Whittier Blvd, Los Angeles CA 90023

Receiving Country:___________________USofA

A/C N:_______________________________3825986086

Swift code:__________________________CBGURUMM

Private Tell no:_____________________#!@-XXX-****

Your International Passport or Photo Copy:_________Upon request

Occupation:___________________________Scatologist

Age:_________________________________45

 

Wishing my application will be given an urgent lobotomy, as I wish the balance be released, and re-transferred into my account details.

Accept my apologies for the late application it was due to some logistic problems which happen in space-time discontinuums on days like that one tends to hate.  But me and three other folks be working on it using quantum science, esohysterics, a Salad Shooter and a pickled herring for leverage.

 

Thanking you for your anticipated co-dorpdination.

Yours sincerely...really...HONEST.

i am ... the above referenced, heretofore and from forethereafter.  

That application was a bit too cheeky for the 'bank' to buy...and there was nothing more heard from Ms Hazmat, neither.

The pet rocks think she was cleaned up...

 

 

With A Name Like Hazmat, What DOES This Scammer Expect?

Scammers really should choose their names a bit more wisely.

Really.

It won't take you long to see what I'm talking about with this scammer:

"Dearest one,

 

Please I am writing this massage to you with a weight sorrow in my heart of which I know that is only you that can help me in this situation that I am now. Has a respected and human fearing person that you are.

 

I am so sorry to intrude into your privacy, I know you will be worried to know how are manage to know your email address, I saw your profile in the internet when I am looking for a reliable and trust worth person that I will hand over my fund to, of which I did not want you to say no, because I have prayed over it and see that is you that can help me.

 

I am Mrs. Sofia Hazmat and I have been suffering from breast cancer disease and the doctor told me that I have a few days to leave. I am from (Lhasa) China but based in Africa Burkina Faso since eight years ago, as a business woman dealing with gold exportation.

 

Now that I am about to end the race like this without any family members and no child, I decided to let you know that I have 2 Million US DOLLARS in Africa Development (Bank of Africa) Burkina Faso which I instructed the bank to give to St Andrews Missionary Home in Burkina Faso. But my mind is not at rest because I am writing this letter now through the help of my computer beside me sick bed.

 

I also have 6.5 Million US Dollars at Bank of Africa here in Burkina Faso and I instructed the bank to transfer the money to the first foreigner that will apply to the bank after I have gone, that they should release the fund to him/her, but you will assure me that you will take 50% of the money and give 50% to the orphanages home in your country for my heart to rest. I shall give you the email address for the bank if I received your positive reply from you through this private email address/ byc.by@aol.com.

 

PLEASE REPLY ME AGAIN WITH THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS

BELOW FOR MY CONFIRMATION:

1. Full Name:

2.Your age:

3. Sex:

4. Nationality:

5. Country of Residence:

6. Telephone Number:

7.Your marital status;

8. Your occupation;

9. Sand to me your picture;

10. You have to assured me that you will act has I have instructed you if the fund get to your account.

Yours fairly friend,

Madam Mrs. Sofia Hazmat"

 

I think you can see the obvious problem here:  to be scammed by any of these emails would be bad enough...to be scammed by one using the name of Hazmat...well, no one outside of New Jersey or the DNC would be that stupid.

 

I gave Seymour and Element the edit-off for this one...Jack N. Ewehoff will take a turn:

 

 

From: Mrs. Sofia Hazmat <mrsm.aryamj@aol.fr>
Sent: Saturday, November 9, 2019 12:03 PM
Subject: Dear Ridiculously Dressed One in a Unicorn Yoga Pants One Piece  

Dear Ridiculously Dressed One in a Unicorn Yoga Pants One Piece,

 

Please I am writing this massage to you with a weight stuck in my aorta of which I know that is only place where blood flows up and outwards, or is it down and to the other head...if I were male, I would be expected to know this and forget it during periods of arousal, but that's not important now.  What my template tells me to say is that you can help me in this situation that I am now, since Ray Harryhausen is daid and he took all his sword-fighting skeletons with him that might have protected me from Hellary's suicide flying monkey squadrons.  Because I have her emails.  And soon she'll assume that you do too.

 

 

I am so sorry to intrude into your privacy now that you know that I have Hellary's emails, so you might want to make suicide preparations too.  Jeffrey Epstein didn't.  I know you will be worried because this scene was put into Airplane after being cut from Mars Attacks, though the chronology doesn't really work there, but I just wanted you to know that we're all counting on you, since you resemble an abacus.  I saw your profile in the internet when I am looking for a reliable chart that explains which of the 57 gender choices I am required to decide to be in order to be registered to vote democrap for the next hundred years I'm dead.  And when I found your profile, I immediately called the police and told them that it was you that stole their commode so now they can come to you and have something to go on.

Why this is so is because I have prayed over it and see that regardless of it being an empty Coke bottle, goat head baphomet or Illuminincompoop symbol, it is only you that can help me.

 

When I introduce myself you see immediately instanters why I need help:  I am Mrs. Sofia Hazmat and I have been suffering from being ceaselessly pursued by the EPA and OSHA ever since being born in the back seat of a Greyhound bus that dumped it's toilet contents on Highway 41.  Now they tell me that I have few days to leave and I'm not sure where to go.  I was told that you'd tell me where to go.

I hope that's not some joke thing from Monty Python's flying yoga pants.

I am originally from Uranus, but was relocated to (Lhasa) China in a failed TV mockudrama, so I had to settle for a job cleaning up around email terminals in a fly-infested internet cafe based in Africa Burkina Faso since eight years ago.  Having done this well, they promoted me to a business woman with a marked name, dealing with methane exploitation.

 

 

Now that I am about to end the race like this without any idea that my racing tyrannosaur tripped and fell out of the gate, I decided to let you know that I have a modest raunch in the Sonora Desert where at I have gradually raised a herd of 2 Million crotch crickets which are highly prized in Africa for their drumsticks.  Having learned that Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself led me to decide to donate all the proceeds from my Sonora Desert raunch to Burkina Faso which I instructed the bank to hose down generously with anti-bacterial douche formula, before bottling and marketing it to St Andrews Missionary Position Home in Burkina Faso.  Y'know...home of the inflatable Bela Pelosi sex toys that led to her husband not wanting to have sex with something that leaked and squeaked and looked like her.  So he refused cataract surgery and went with big framed Yugos instead. 

But my mind is not at rest because I am writing this letter now through the help of my computer beside me sick at knowing that all these years I've been named for a chemical spill. 

I blame that white cat meme that's so popular for the time being.

 

 

I also have 6.5 Million reasons that Hellary lost the election in 2008, 2016, 2020, and for any elections hence that she keeps herself alive to run in with her formaldehyde drips and cosmetic surgery that has her looking more and more like Kathie Griffin.

If you agree to help me with turning all of this into a made-for-cable movie about unicorn sex therapists invading Liechtenstein, I will instruct the bank in Burkina Faso to transfer all I have there to the first foreigner that texts the nation-wide key word to 200-200 on the hour, and I will ask that you wait to do so after I have gone, so that they can't give me shit about having told you to do that. 

My email isn't byc.by@aol.com but it belongs to someone who'll wonder WTF when you write to them.

 

 

PLEASE REPLY ME AGAIN WITH THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS

BELOW FOR MY CONFIRMATION THAT EPSTEIN DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF OR KENNY ON SOUTH PARK:

1. Full Name:

2.Your age:

3. Your Sex:

4. Your Nationality's Sex:

5. Country of Sexual Residence:

6. Telephone Number Sex And If It's Any Good:

7.Your marital status;

8. Your marital's sex;

9. Is your marital any good at sex:

10. Is your marital the one screaming at the white cat in all those memes:

11. Sand to me your picture or a picture of someone other than the white cat in the meme;

You have to assured me that you will act has I have instructed you if authorities in Liechtenstein have been in touch with authorities on Uranus and they've also figured out by now that Epstein didn't kill himself.

Your fairly toxic friend,

Madam Mrs. Sofia Hazmat  

 

 

Neither I nor the break-taking pet rocks thought to hear from Ol' Sofia after this edit. 

We were wrong.

Next up:  Part 2.

 

Now You Know What Becomes Of Failed Campaign Stuff

It sucks to be Jim Acosta.

Probably more so 'cuz I make fun of him here without this post being about him.  He loses twice.

Dying inheritance scams.  I get almost more of those than I get faux-FBI scams of late.  They never change, save for the names and some aspect of the woes befalling the scammer.

Almost as bad as Acosta losing his WH pass for behaving like a twat omelet.

Here's the latest in the series of 'dying inheritance' scams:


Peace be upon you,

Hello please forgive me for stressing you with my predicaments as I
know that this letter may come to you  as big surprise. Truly, i came
across your contact email address through my personal search, then
afterward I decided to email you directly believing that you will be
honest to help me before i die. And if in case you're doubting me
please kindly go into google and do some research with my name for your
clarification.

And i know that is hard to believe all because so many scammers all
over the world are using cancer  healness to scam people which have
been a victim once, but please i beg you in the name of God, don't
force yourself to do this for me cause am not putting you under any
obligation, kindly follow your  instinct because am also afraid for my
life savings not to go into the hands of scammers again. And my spirit
tells me you're the right person to help me that is why i send you this
message directly to you. 

Mean while, I am Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi, President of Emirates
Dental Society, (MOH) UAE.  Am 56  years of Age from (United Arab
Emirate), a registered doctor by profession but sadly I am suffering
from  long time cancer and from all indication my condition is really
deteriorating as my doctors have confirmed  and courageously advised me
that I may not live beyond two months from now for the reason that my
tumor  has reached a critical stage which has defiled all forms of
medical treatment. 

Actually, my husband was dealing on Gold Dust and Gold Dory Bars in
(Africa) Burkina Faso till his sudden  death in the year 2011 then I
took over his business till date but currently, I have a deposit sum of
four  million five hundred thousand US dollars [$4,500,000.00] with one
of the leading bank in Burkina Faso but  unfortunately I cannot visit
the bank since I’m critically sick and powerless to do anything
myself.

But my bank account officer advised me to assign any of my trustworthy
relative, friends or partner with  authorization letter to stand as the
recipient of my money but sorrowfully my only beloved daughter died  at
the age of 19 years and I don’t have any reliable relative and no other
child.  Therefore, I want you to receive the money and take 50%  as
your share while 50% should be use basically  on humanitarian purposes
mostly to orphanages home, Motherless babies home, less privileged 
around the  world. As soon as I receive your reply I will give you
every details you need.

Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi
email: dalsuwaidi@aol.com  


The reply that Dr. Mrs. Alsuwaidi was counting on was sent, though not in the form that she had been counting on...my pet rock, Seymour, was ever eager to do an edit job that would make me proud:

From: Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi <kethy@ono.com>
Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2018 4:53 AM
Subject: May A Drunken Marmot Molest Your Blender

 

I read what my smell pecker wrote here, and I say unto mineself, "WTF?"

Hello please forgive me for stressing you with my predicaments that

involve sheep, inflatables, gender fluidity and feces, but really, I had

to share this with someone that doesn't know me, so that I'd have

plausible deniability if a democrap senator ever gets a letter exposing

all this.  We all know what dishonest opportunists that democraps are.

Truly, i came across your contact email address through my network of

primate perverts that surf the 'net, looking for far-left kinky to debase

themselves with.  Despite trepidation, I decided to email you directly

believing that if a sheep is a ram, and a donkey in an ass, a ram in the

ass will result in a goose.  And in this, I am adam ant.

I know that single-digit IQs are hard to believe; then you listen to

Maxine Waters and Jim Acosta, and you realize that this kind of

stupid is a choice and pretty rampant in the Democrap party.  That

isn't why I send you this message directly to you, but it is when

the choice was you or a leaking, squeaking inflatable Cory Booker

Phartacus campaign balloon for 2020. 

I am Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi, President of Emirates
Dental Society, (EDS), located in the UAE, which is located in

the Middle East, where even our camels get dentures when

they age and their humps sag.  I am 56  years of age; a registered

sex offender by profession but sadly I am suffering from a long

time bout of genital warts from doing camel gynecology. 

Yes, it's a thing here.  Getting a camel in those stirrups is, as one can

imagine, quite a chore.  I actually had my nose inverted by an unruly

patient in '16, and I've had two dozen surgeries attempting to fix the

problem.  

Meantime my husband was dealing in Hillary For President 2008 surplus

tampons in (Africa) Burkina Faso till his sudden death in the year 2017

when he accidentally found over 30,000 of Hillary's emails stuffed inside

each tampon.  The authorities ruled that he committed suicide, though

I rather doubt that; I've never seen anyone arrange to have a large

house dropped on them by squadrons of flying monkeys, with a

broom-riding sumo-sized witch, leading them, cackling and coughing

insanely as they salvoed the house on him.

He could have simply killed himself by watching cnn for an hour.

Actually, all my family are extinct (I'm related to a family tree that

was all aborted in 1950), and my only daughter became a non-binary

gender-neutral octosexual orthopod and is making Molotov cocktails for

Antifa in Portland, so I don’t have any reliable relative and no other
child.  Therefore, if you have read closely all that I have writ here, you

will avoid me like the plague, delete this email, purge your computer

of any emails like this, take a vow of abscess and avoid the one that

makes the fart go honda.  For this can only lead to a cross between

a Jehovah Witness and an atheist, which creates a person who'll knock

on your door for no reason. 

I do want you to remember this:  I am holding myself in reserve, in case

the krauts mount a counter offensive which threatens Paris, or maybe

even New York, then I can move in and stop them with flatulence most

foul.

I can do that.  I eat garlic flavored onions.

As soon as I receive your reply I will give you every details you need to

confirm that I'm as big a loon as Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. 

Dr. Mrs. Aisha Sultan Alsuwaidi
email: dalsuwaidi@aol.com

The "Dr. Mrs." quickly realized that the reply received from my pet rock was not going to bring her the spiritual succor that she allegedly sought.

 

Nor did cnn and Acosta find any succor here, either.