Anti-Em Gets A Twister In Her Knickers

In the Wizard of Oz, Auntie Em know'd when to head for the shelter.

In Scamland....eh...not so much.

The oft-used and wildly-lame scam template invoking something distantly akin to Dorothy's aunt continues to be a favorite of scammers laboring from fly-infested internet cafes in and around Lagos, Nigeria.  They refer to it as an anti-fraud unit in a fraudulent bank, even today:

ANTI-FRAUD DEPARTMENT

Tue 11/16/2021 2:15 PM

UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA

Anti-Fraud Unit
Marina, Lagos Island, Lagos, Nigeria
Tel: +234-905-898-8093.

Dear Beneficiary,
                            YOUR SWIFT CREDIT CARD

As a result of the multi-lateral agreement which we recently entered
into with the Federal Government of Nigeria and the United Nations
(Global Intervention Fund Unit), we are therefore contacting you with
details of the Memorandum of Understanding (MOU).

Your unpaid inheritance, contract/Lottery money which has stood in the
balance for so many years, and which is in the tune of Ten Million,
Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$10.5m), has been
directed to be released to you through, Bank of Africa Republic of
Benin via ATM CARD payment or bank to bank wire as you may deem fit.
We were mandated to carry out this duty, due to various
complains/petitions received by the above mentioned government and
agencies from beneficiaries concerning delays in receiving their
payment from banks/ministries in Benin Republic, Ghana, South Africa,
Togo etc and Asia countries. Note that you where contacted because
your name was shortlisted among those yet to be paid off.

Before we proceed, you are advised to respond to this email, stating
your full details, and other necessary information that will
ultimately aid us in the speedy processing of your payment

Thanks for your prompt attention and response .

Regards,

Mr. Jerry Otuh
Group Head, Global Payments.
U.B.A Bank FOR Africa
Tel: +234-905-898-8093.

My 'editing gone wild' pet rocks, Seymour and Element, just finished watching the original movie from 1939, and apart from some snide comments about how the Wicked Witch resembled democrap pols, they weren't in a mood to take the time to edit this email.

Thus, it fell to me to respond to this lamest-of-lame email scam templates.  Thus:

From: ANTI-UNCLE DEPARTMENT <zenithbapacenter@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 16, 2021 2:15 PM
Subject: YOUR NOT SO SWIFT CREDIT CARD HAS PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH

 

DISASSOCIATED BANK FOR AFRICAN MIDGETS
Marina, Lagos Island, Lagos, Nigeria
Tel: +234-905-898-8093.

Frappachinko,
                            YOUR NOT SO SWIFT CREDIT CARD HAS PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH

As a result of the multi-nippleheaded agreement which we recently entered
into with the F**ked Up Government of Nigeria and the Eunuched Nations
(Global Intervention Fungus Unit), we are therefore contacting you with
details of the Memorandum of Undressed Kumquats (MOUK).

Your unhinged inherent tendency toward relieving constipation with

a pencil which has stood in the balance for so many years, has been

noticed by Have You Got Talent, and you are scheduled for a remote

audition with the show's directum of talent soich for two weeks from

never.  There is a fee but I digress.

This eunuch offer is limited to mental midgets from places as diverse

as Benin Republic, Ghana, South Africa, Togo, Asia countries, Uranus 

and zip codes in Newark. Note that you were contacted because

your name was short sheeted on a tree next to where most folks

at this fly-infested internet cafe go to take sh*ts and giggle at

perverse videos on their phones.

Before we proceed, you are advised to respond to this email, stating
your willingness to be Simon Cowell demeaned on world wide TV, 

and other necessary information that will aid us in the speedy 

looting of your bank account.

Thanks for your hoped-for lack of attention and response.

Regards,

Mr. Jerry Otuh
Group Twat, Global Clustering F**ks
DISASSOCIATED BANK FOR AFRICAN MIDGETS
Tel: +234-905-898-8093.
EMAIL: ubitedbnforafricabodirector@hotmail.com

The reply was not well-received on the other side:

f**k u

That's as likely as your previous template actually working.  Check your template and try again.

And so as the pet rocks celebrated Dorothy finding that there was no place like home, they equally celebrated that there was no place like this for scammers...

 

Yes, We Actually Had This Email Conversation

Any regular visitors to this blog have to find themselves wondering if these posted conversations really take place.

Probably not among people who have far better things to do and time to spend on better and finer things.

But me?  Eh...I have nothing and no one better on which to spend my time than this abject nonsense.

Which makes possible, in my pathetic world, these actual conversations.

Of course, it takes two to have such ridiculous conversations.  And I frequently find online email scammers just ridiculous enough to indulge myself with.

Even my pet rocks get lucky on occasion.

But this one belongs strictly to my character.  And here's how it began, with an alleged email from Access Bank PLC:


IMF REGULATORY OFFICE,(2020)
INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY AUTHORITY.
FROM THE DESK OF: MR. MICHAEL ONEL, RESIDENT REPRESENTATIVE, IMF
OFFICE, NIGERIA.

ATM CARD PAYMENT DEPARTMENT.

  Dear Beneficiary,

This is to officially inform you that INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY
AUTHORITY directed by the Presidential task force on contract /inheritance
fund payment reconciliation committee to send a bonus funds to all lucky
beneficiary whom have lost money in so many ways to regain their
lost.Following the approval and Remittance instruction received by the
various approval ministry, we the DIRECTOR, ATM PAYMENT DEPARTMENT also
received from the presidential task force (PTF) to credit your account by
ATM card without further delay.Your Inheritance/bonus Fund of ($10.6M USD)
will be program on ATM card.Please verify and reconfirm to UNITED BANK OF
AFRICA
in conjunction with ACCESS BANK OF NIGERIA your credentials,in order to
avoid remitting the fund to a wrong
channel.

The ATM card will be issued to you and it will be delivered to you via a
reputable Courier Service Delivery Agency as soon as we receive your recent
information stated below

1. Your direct cell, office tel /fax numbers:
2. Your location address:
3. Your full name:

Kindly get back to us as soon as you receive this email and we shall advice
you on what next to do to enable us proceed with the processing of your ATM
CARD with your information.

MR. MICHAEL ONEL
DIRECTOR - GENERAL  INTER-CONTINENTAL DEBT
RECONCILIATION DEPARTMENT OF
IMF REGULATORY OFFICE  


...and it all goes downhill from here:


Why are desks in Nigeria smarter than the persons that sit behind them?  


Sorry , seems you dont understand the procedure, we have offices that are responsible for ATM card funds, and access bank is.   the approved bank to issue ATM CARD FUNDS. send your detail to commence processing of your ATM CARD FUNDS as soon as soon as possible.

Thanks.  

 

 

Why is a desk sending this, and not the person that sits behind the desk?  Inquiring minds want to know.  

 

 

The desk himself is speaking,so comply with your details.

Thanks.  

Nothing like a piece of furniture that thinks it's a smart ass.  I don't conduct business with office furniture, especially when that furniture is smarter than the person sitting behind it.  


Is legit, a trial will convince you okay.  


A trial, eh?  Ya mean like a Law & Order trial?

I'll take Angie Harmon for a thousand, Alex.

No you are not understand this.  Forward your details to start processing your ATM card funds.  


I think I understand you're not going to try me with Angie.  F***.  So, am I forwarding my 'details' to a piece of office furniture or a person?  Believe it or not, it will make a difference in the outcome.  

You will forward your detail to here and it will be handle legit you have my word.


And what, pray tell, is your 'word'?  Or that of your 'desk'?  Do you both have the same 'word'?


Time is not on our side with this legit deal.  You must do as instruct soonest. 


As my attorney of note, Angie Baby told me not to violate my constitutional rights to self-gratification, though with her, I'd violate anything fun.  

You do not need attorney for this.  You need just do as we instructed okay.


Is this you speaking, or the desk?  I can see a piece of office furniture not being turned on by Angie Harmon, but unless you're gay or an octosexual orthopod, you simply could NOT but be swept away in the oceans of her eyes.  


What is wrong with things there?  This is legit deal I have here.


If Angie is any part of things here, absolutely NOTHING is wrong.  Even your desk should have a woody from this.

(and I included this picture in the reply)

WHAT???  ARE WE TO DO BUSINESS HERE OR NOT?  


Since neither you nor your desk look like Angie, I'm guessing the business at hand is probably not yours.  But y'all can come on back if you ever want to try again...'cuz I told you once you summa na bitch that she's the best that's ever been!
(..with a sorta apology to Charley Daniels)

That was good for one last pithy salvo:


Write no more here.


So I did:


No more here.  That was easy.  Your desk should have made this that easy to begin with.


So it was never clearly determined if I was being contacted by a person or piece of office furniture of this alleged bank in Nigeria.  But I did determine that Angie Harmon moves me far moreso than either person or desk in Scamland.

An Edit Not To Their Liking

Most times, scammers receive an edited version of their scam from my characters, and simply move on.

They're smart enough to recognize a dead-end when they hit one.

Sometimes, they're not so smart.  Or literate.  Or both.

Once in a great while, they recognize the dead-end, but can't let it go without a little snark.

Such was the case here:


From Desk Of Mr. Ibrahim Magu
Economic & Financial Crimes Commission
Head Office,5 Fomella Street. Wuse II.
Federal Capital Territory, Abuja-Nigeria


                                                           US$5 Million Dollars Compensation Fund.

Attention: Beneficiary,

I am Mr. Ibrahim Magu, The chairman of the ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIMES COMMISSION (EFCC). We are In alliance with the Economic Community of West African States (ECOWAS) with its head Office here in Nigeria. We have been working towards the eradication of internet fraud and scam Activities in West Africa and beyond with the help of United States Government (FBI), Britain, World Bank and the United Nations.

We have successfully tracked  many of these scam artists in various parts of West African Countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA, CAMEROUN and SENEGAL). They are all presently in our custody here in Lagos Nigeria.

We have recovered some stolen monies from the scam artists. The United Nations Anti-crime department, United States Government and the INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF) in conjunction with the UN poverty alleviation department, have decided to compensate One Hundred scam victims,  which the beneficiaries includes the less privileged, disabled persons and earthquake victims around the World.

This email is being directed to you because your email address was found in one of the scammers’ file and computer hard disk in our custody here in Africa.

You are therefore being compensated with the sum of $5 Million United States Dollars. We have also arrested some of those who claim to be barristers, bank officials, Lottery Agents and government officials who have money for transfer or want you to be the next of kin of such funds that never existed.

Since your name appeared among the lucky Beneficiaries who will receive a compensation of $5 Million, we have arranged your payment through our swift card payment centre.

Feel free to contact the processing officer Mr. Malemi Omene.The swift card has been specially prepared to enable you withdraw your money in any ATM machine in any part of the world, but the maximum is Five Thousand Dollars Only per day. So you are advised to contact the processing officer Mr. Malemi Omene
Through his email below address.

Contact Person: Mr. Malemi Omene
Email: malemiomene@gmail.com

Kindly Provide the information below to enable him prepare your ATM Master Credit Card and your secret Pin to access it.

1) Your full name:
2) Residential address:
3) Phone/fax numbers:
4) Profession:
5) Scan copy of id/age:

Yours Faithfully,
Mr. IbrahimMagui.
CHAIRMAN (EFCC).  


I always love/hate the "from the desk of" emails.  They never seem to learn how those go over here.  We'll soon see how this edit went over:


From: Ibrahim Magu <unorga09@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, June 3, 2019 2:15 PM
Subject: Ain't No Compost High Enough To Keep Me From Divin' In It

 
From Desk Of A Nigerian Dolt Too Stupid To Know How To Email So I Let The Desk Do It
Economic & Financial Crime Commission Board
Head Office,5 Fomella Street. Wuse II.
Federal Capital Territory, Abuja-Nigeria


                                                           Your Fly Is Open And There's Nothing There

Attention:

I am Mr. Ibrahim Magu, one of the sandpoundingly stupidest Nigerians living or dead on the face of this Solar System.  That's why my desk is emailing this to you.  The ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION BOARD (EFCCB) -- the ones in Nigeria responsible for committing crimes -- We are In alliance with the Criminal Community of West African States (aka ACOWSASS) with its head up its ass in the Office here in Nigeria. We have been working towards the eradication of anyone interfering with internet fraud and scam Activities in West Africa and beyond with the help of ACOWSASS, the United Nations Suckretary Genital, Syria, Russia, democrats in the US Congress, Scientologists, Thetins, cnn, ms13nbc, a psychic yak in Tibet and that dumber-than-a-blonde cortez broad from NYC.

We have successfully tracked  many of these scam baiters that are upsetting our asshole carts in various parts of West African Countries to the US and Europe.  We of the EFCCB and assordid affiliated crime organizations which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA, CAMEROUN, SENEGAL and the Washington DC-based DNC), are demanding that you stop interfering with our scams and fraud.

 

That starts with you...stop f**king with our email templates. 

We have recovered some of Hellary's stolen emails from her home server -- we found them in a recipe book on a cooking show on Uranus -- and we are now trying to avoid winding up on her pending "scheduled to have suicide committed" list. The United Nations Anti-Enema department, Kansans Against Twisters Bearing Broom Riders, the INTERNATIONAL MONKEYTARY FUND (IMF) in conjunction with the UN poverty spreading department, have decided to constipate One Hundred billion cows across the planet, and threaten to let them all fart at once, if you do not stop what you and your fellow scam baiters are doing.  Why wait 12 years for the World to end, when we can threaten to make it happen in one incredibly loud moooment.
 

We doubt most of you will see what we just did there.

This email is being directed to you because your email address was found to be tormenting some of our dumber members here in Africa and at the DNC.

You are therefore being adviced to, in the words of Bill Engvall, "stop ittttttttttttttttttt" with the tampering of our scam templates at once.  At once, do you hear?  We have bannisters standing by at the World Court, UN Court, Nigerian Court and every tennis court we could find to file the necessary amoroncussed briefs to stop you if you edit again.  We have also attempted arresting some of those who do what you do.  Not with any success, but we think we'll get it right in your case if you're not mindful of our empty demands.
 

 Since your name appeared among the list of people who are not welcome to audition for a place on the unheard-of TV show Nigeria's Got Suckass Talent, we have arranged for the aforementioned vacuous legal action against you, should you prove recalcitrant.

Fifty cents to the first person -- other than you -- who can tell us what that word means.  It was recommended by our smellpecker, so we put it in.

Feel free to disregard this email like you've disregarded all our other empty-threat emails, and see what happens.  We'll probably get mad and send you more empty-threat emails.  That's all our desk seems to know how to do, and it's so much smarter than we are.  Trying to ignore what we just typed, you are demanded to contact Mr. Malemi Omene.  He's no smarter than his desk either, but he's who this template said to have contacted on this.  If he doesn't know what to do, perhaps his desk, file cabinet, tree outhouse or the monkey throwing dung from it, will come up with something.

So you are advised to contact Mr. Malemi Omene through his email below address.
Contact Person: Mr. Malemi Omene
Email: malemiomene@gmail.com

We always ask you to provide this information, and you always ignore us.  Don't do it again or we'll get really mad and send an amorous psychotic emu after you.  There's no telling what one of those things will do.  Just count on it being nasty, like that Markle chick, the Duckless of Sucksex.  We read about her saying nasties on cnn, which makes her probably made-up, like their news.

1) Your full name (just yours please; we have plenty of faked names the DNC uses to vote)
2) Residential address:
3) Phone/fax numbers:
4) Profession (please no colorfully metaphoric professions)
5) Scan copy of id/age (that said 'scan', not scam...leave that to us)

I have the daily horror to be,
Mr. IbrahimMagui.
CHAIRMAN (EFCCB).

 

On this occasion, it appears that the scammer -- or his desk -- recognized the dead-end it hit, but couldn't simply let it go at that:

 

this not funny asshol  

 

 

I personally beg to differ.  I'm laughing.  My Amazon Alexis is laughing.  Siri is laughing.  The potted plant the NSA sent me is laughing.  Hell, even my pet rock is derisively snorting.  Locate your funny bone and hit it against something.  Hard.  

 

 

Dunno if he or the desk tried that, but there was nothing more from that "desk of".

 

They figgered it out:  dead-end.  Just like the DNC.

Elements Are More Than Just Animals With Big Ears

It's every bit as bizarre in Scamland as it is in the DNC these days.

Nigerian scammers are pushing crap every bit as nonsensical as The Green New Deal.  Much to that Cortez broad's chagrin.

Here's a sample of the latest out of Nigeria...which could easily have come out of the DNC:


YOUR PAYMENT NOTIFICATION
INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF)
HEAD OFFICE NO: 77, Obafemi Awolowo Way, Ikeja
LAGOS STATE NIGERIAN.

CHECK HERE VIEW OUR WEBSITE; www.imf.org

IMF -- International Monetary Fund Home Page IMF Home page with links to News, About the IMF, Fund Rates, IMF Publications, What's New, Standards and Codes, Country Information and featured topics www.imf.org

 PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL== mr.kenrichard2020@gmail.com

                           INSTRUCTION TO RELEASE YOUR FUND
ATTENTION:

This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of
a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been
experiencing in getting your long overdue payment of $15Million  USD due
to excessive demand for money from you by both corrupt Bank officials
and Courier Companies after which your fund remain unpaid to you.

I am Mr. Ken Richard a highly placed official of the International
Monetary Fund (IMF). It may interest you to know that reports have
reached our office by so many correspondences on the uneasy way which
people like you are treated by Various Banks and Courier Companies/
Diplomat across Europe to Africa and Asia /London Uk and we have decided
to put a stop to that and that is why I was appointed to handle your
transaction here in Nigeria. All Governmental and Non-Governmental
prostates, NGOs, Finance
Companies, Banks, Security Companies and Courier companies which have
been in contact with you of late have been instructed to back up from
your transaction and you have been advised NOT to respond to them
anymore since the IMF is now directly in charge of your fund.  


The email went on for several more tortured paragiraffes, but the wonder is that not once were cow farts mentioned therein.

When it came time for a reply -- and an edit -- cow farts were curiously absent from that, too:


From: WTF FUND. Mr Ken Richard <mrjonesrobinson250@gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, March 27, 2019 8:14 AM
Subject: WTF FUND. Mr Ken 'The Dick' Richard.  WE FOUND YOUR PANTS

 

WE FOUND YOUR PANTS NOTIFICATION
WHAT THE F**K
HEAD OFFICE NO: 77, Obafemi Awolowo Way, Ikeja
LAGOS STATE NIGERIAN SLAG PITS.

PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL== mr.kenrichard2020@gmail.com

                           INSTRUCTION TO RETRIEVE YOUR PANTS
ATTENTION:

This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of
a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been
experiencing in getting your pants back from here.

I am Mr. Ken 'The Dick' Richard a patently ludicrous figure of the International
Horse of Road Apples (IHRA). It may interest you to know that reports have
reached our office by so many tweets and emails on the uneasy way which
people like you are having their pants found in all sorts of locations.

 We have decided to put a stop to that and that is why I was appointed to handle your pants return here in Nigeria. All Governmental and Non-Governmental
prostates, genitals, bowel movements and other like entities which have been

basically mucking this up have been instructed to back up from contacting you

furtherer and you have been advised NOT to respond to them anymore since

WTF is now directly in charge.

AOC thinks that she's in charge...meh.  She can't find her ass with both hands.

The most annoying thing is that your pants that you left here are badly fouled.

Small wonder you left them here.  You must have run into our government-run

house of ill-repute, and seed all the 400 pound prostitutes they have there.

Truth be told, I'd foul my pants too, if I saw some of them coming my way.

 I do not intend to work here all the days of my life; I have a dream of a small

dacha in an unpillaged portion of Newark where I can see the ocean and not

have to hear the sound of leftist millennials screaming on behalf of dead tree

stumps and that Hellary lost, while frothing at the mouth from noshing Tide

pods.  But first, the issue of returning your pants to you must be fulfilled.

Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria where everyone thinks they're

living a bit like The Sopranos and Breaking Bad, if it were depicted on

South Park. 

You may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian.  I know no one

from Uranus understands it.  If they were from Nigeria, they're probably

prefer Uranus.  Certainly the current #WalkAway movement from the DNC

would vastly prefer Uranus to life in Bela Pelosi's or Maxipad Waters'

respective districts.

In a brief aside -- pun might be intended, we'll see -- the following persons

are up for a Nigerian Emmy for Best Depiction Of A Post Mueller Report

Meltdown in 2019.  The nominees are:

 1) Prof. Charles soludo(CBN)
2)make dave
3) Chief Lamido Sanusi(CBN)
4) John Rob(Barclays bank plc)
5) Mrs Stella Brown(Barclays bank plc)
6) Ronald Franklin
7)  (Federal Reserve Bank of New York)
8) Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Obi
9) Mr. Mike Jombo
Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
10) Mr. Tunde Lemo
Deputy Governor - Financial Sector Surveillance / Board Member
(11) Mrs. W. D. A. Mshelia
Deputy Governor - Corporate Services / Board Members
12) Mrs. Okonjo Iweala
13) Mrs. Rita Ekwesili
14)Mr.Rick Ruzzi--Us Bank
15)Mr. Harold Wesley-Citizens Bank Of Canada
16)Mr.Agent Jason Gale-FBI
17)Mr. Grant Watson

18)That Cortez broad from NY's 14th congressional district of fools

19)The View cast

20)Everyone at Berkeley

You are hereby advised NOT to entrust your pants to any of those

folks, even if they win.

Please complete the informations below, just on accounta cuz:

1. Full Name:
2. Address:
3. Nationality:
4. Age: Date of Birth:
5. Occupation:
6. Phone: Mobile/Cellular
7. State of Origin:
8. Copy of your identity Card

9. Address and phone numbers of any virgins you might know

Also Call me (+234-903-485-7049) as soon as you receive the letter so
that I am given some hope that at least one knucklehaid out there will

received this.

Hurry while supplies last.
Mr Ken 'The Dick' Richard
PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL== mr.kenrichard2020@gmail.com  

 

 

No reply was forthcoming from 'The Dick'.  Nor was one coming from the DNC; they know how bad that Cortez broad is going over, and many of them are guilty of leaving their pants in all sorts of compromising locations.  #Metoo can't keep up.

Someone might see what I just did there...

Banking By The Numbnuts

Ol' Ken Roberts of Standard Chartered Bank, Nigeria, thinks he got up early enough in the morning to put one over on moi.

Here's his ploy:


Dear 3102892372, 

Greetings to you. My name is Kenneth Roberts. I work with Standard Chartered Bank in Abuja, Nigeria. I have been chosen to be your account officer and i am here to serve you. I am to assist you in activating your account with us. The details to achieve these are below.

A cash deposit must be made into your account for activation to occur. The cash paid into your account would determine how much your daily limit would be 

 

Your activation amount determines how much you can transfer at a time 

 

Below various activation fees. Please choose one and make payment depending on the amount you wish to transfer daily 

 

1. $100 activation gets you to transfer $10,000 daily

2. $200 activation gets you to transfer $50,000 daily

3. $500 activation gets you to transfer $1million daily

4. $1000 activation gets you unlimited amount of transfer daily

Name: Kenneth Roberts

Address: Kwali, Abuja, Nigeria

Question: details

Answer: activation

After sending the money, send an email to me with the MTCN for western union or reference number for moneygram. Send your email to ( kenroberts60@yandex.com ) 

Once i receive the MTCN and your personal details as below, I will activate your account. Once active, I will send you all your online login details. You are free to transfer daily out of your account with us into any account of your choice. The daily transfer limit will depend on the amount you send.

NB: Please send the activation fee details along with your information as below. Send your email to ( kenroberts60@yandex.com )  

 

 

You get the idea.

 

Needless to say,  ol' Ken didn't get up early enough to sell this h'yar...I work nights  ;-)  And had this edit ready to greet him and his chums the next morning:

 

 

Dear 3102892372,

Greetings to you, Binary Aggregate. My name isn't really Kenneth Roberts; it's something far more unpronounceable.  I work with a collection of butt scratching, public assistance receiving dolts that are currently playing like they actually work for Standard Chartered Bank in Abuja, Nigeria.  Work?  A four letter word here.  At any rate, it's my turn on the desk top as the others are out fingering their behinds on a lunch break, so I have been chosen to be your account officer and i am here to give you the business, aka serve you. I am to assist you in activating your account with us. The details to achieve these are below and basically irrelevant. 

 

 

A cash deposit must be made into your account for activation to occur. That's how me and my butt picking friends get paid.  We intend that you believe you will get large sums of cash for small deposits, though around here with the exchange rate between the dollar and the West African franc being what it is, $100 is a good month for us.  

So the way our game is played...you send us an "activation fee", assuming that you can transfer much larger amounts into your account with us.

Tee f**king hee on the latter, but I digress without knowing what that means.  

Below various activation fees. Please choose one and make payment depending on the amount you wish to transfer daily 

 

1. $100 activation gets you a free shrunken head from Ghana

2. $200 activation gets you a free spell cast on some inanimate object in your home, whereupon -- assuming the spell works -- it will attack you and rape your DVD player

3. $500 activation gets you a picture of all of us bowing in your direction while we pick our asses and laugh hysterically

 

 

4. $1000 activation gets you emails from the Clinton Crimedation that will wind up in the hands of the Russians, Chinese, Mongolians, Homopatheians, Cromagnus Rex and a couple of girls gone wild sororeties frequented by Bill Clinton daily  

 

 

Please choose one of the higher amounts above and make payment.

For ACTIVATION:

A cash deposit of any of the amounts above must be made into your account before your account can be activated. There are two ways to achieve this. You are to come to Nigeria and get eaten by our local cannibals who leave us alone so's long as we send someone their direction weekly.  OR, I could assist you in doing it...if you want me to assist you, you are to choose an option above and send the amount to me by moneygram or western union using my details below

Name: Kenneth Roberts

Address: Kwali, Abuja, Nigeria

Question: WTF

Answer: HellaryTF, that's who 

After sending the money, send an email to me with the MTCN for western union or reference number for moneygram. Send your email to ( kenroberts60@yandex.com )

Once i receive the MTCN and your personal details as below, I will foul myself in abject joy that we found us an abject nipplehead that actually thinks you can send money to an African country and get back more money in return...no wonder democraps in your country riot in and burn down their own neighborhoods. 

NB: Please please PUH-LEEEASE send the activation fee details along with your information as below. Send your email to ( kenroberts60@yandex.com )  Please let me be the first to pull this off...I can win a date with a virgin yak imported all the way from Newark.  Include please:

a. Your Full Names

b. Your Full Address

c. Your Phone Number

d. Your Next of Kin and their email (so we can play them too)

e. Your Date of Birth

f. MTCN or Reference Number for amount sent

g. Amount sent 

 

 

Thank you for letting us give you the business with us.

Kenneth Roberts

Foreign Twat Waffle Iron mechanic when not masturbating anacondas

Standard Chartered Bank

Abuja, Nigeria

kenroberts60@yandex.com   

 

 

Ol' Ken musta been very disappointed that I didn't fall for the account activation fee scam; or he's busy setting his alarm clock for earlier.

 

It won't be early enough ;-)