Scam White House Chief of Staph And Her Scam Revs

Not that I could ever doubt that democraps were involved in scams, but here's one that claims to originate with the current White House Chief of Staph.

Spelling intended.

Yes, I received an email from Monica Howard, who claims to be the current Chief of Staph of the White House under the illegitimate and completely nincompoop Joe Bidumb.

It is titled "Plots Against You".

I figured it was going to warn me about all the plots by the DNC, CNN, Fauxci, Big Pharma, Bill Gates, Hollywad, et al....*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Nawp...just another sleazy Scamland ploy:

Greeting,

In accordance to my religious persuasion, I felt expedient to write
and inform you on the wicked conspiracy hatched by Mr. John" to divert
your money to their designated account in Europe. From my position as
a lowly clerk in this office, I discovered that they moved the fund
from the United Kingdom to China and then moved it last week to Banco
Italiano in ITALY. Today I found out through the Central computer
database that they are about to reroute your fund to a security
company at Benin republic where they will be able to maneuver the
strict IMF money laundering regulatory orders.

With this, I felt that it is important for me to alert you on this new
development. They are still using your name and contract/inheritance
identification number as the beneficiary but they have changed the
account co-ordinate and this is the reason they are frustrating you by
asking for endless fees in order to buy time pending on when they will
transfer your funds to their designated account in Cayman Islands.  I
have the reference number of the transaction and also I have the
number of the official who is directly in charge at the SECURITY
COMPANY. Your payment is supposed to go through the BCEAO Credit
Control Financial Clearing House before final Lodging into the
security company. All the data about your claim profile are within my
reach. I do not need gratification from you either in cash or kind.

I can never be a part of evil because the bible said YE SHALL KNOW THE
TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE. Please respect my discretion
in this matter, you can send an email to me so that I can give you the
reference number and the name and contact information of the officials
of the security company.  I repeat, please do not expose my person, it
is not easy to get jobs around here and I cannot contend with these
powerful individuals because they can eliminate me just like that. You
can also reach me on my new e-mail address:
(monica00howard@hotmail.com).  I access this more often.

God bless you.

And to 'authenticate', she included this:

Naturally, I was left with unanswered questions...so I asked a few:

That Mr. John always was a f**king rascal.

That said, I am curious:  how many times has Joe Bidumb groped you and sniffed your hair?  Asking for a friend.   

It came as no surprise that ol' Monica wasn't much of a comprehender:

I am glad you replied immediately because the fund has been received in the Security Vault Company, The routing was changed so that it will be convenient for them to move the money to Benin republic Africa. we all know is a safe heaven for lots like this one they are doing against you. The only thing you will do for me is don’t mention my name while contacting the Security company but I know that if you write them and quote the Consignment registration No and present your Identity prove, he will listen to you. The director of Turvateenistus Alfastar Sarl Special Security Firm, Rev.Fr. Pieter Benter is a Roman Catholic Priest and a lawyer as well. He will help you so far he is convinced that you are the rightful owner of this money.

Below is the information you quote to Turvateenistus Alfastar Sarl Security Vault Company-

Transaction Reference No: BJ4587ZRY

Registration No: QZR4545/BN-DIP/09

Track No: 8579568710

Registered as 'Special diplomatic class delivery' SDCD.?

Content: $4 million (2012 Series Bearer Bonds Issued by BCEE, Luxembourg).

CONTACT INFORMATION-

Company- Turvateenistus Alfastar Sarl Vault Company.

A subsidiary of Turvateenistus Alfastar SA, Estonia

Managing Director- Rev.Fr Pieter Benter

E-mail-  pieterJbenter@priest.com

Address-  Keesverweijstraat 22

City en postcode . 1328 BP Almere

NB: This is a non-commercialized Diplomatic delivery/Vault servicing Company used mainly by top government officials.

I will advise you to contact the director right away because once the bonds are taken to the BCEAO clearing house, it will be liquidated and transferred to this criminal’s bank account in Cayman Island. The consignment is still on your name but the account details they provided are their own with a false authorization letter supposedly from you presenting them as your representatives. This is a criminal act and I will not continue condoning such acts. I am a Christian and I believe what I have done today is in the glory of my God.

Forgive me for not exposing this before now but for my conscience to be at peace hence my writing you in the first place. If you need any information from me please feel free to email me and as I have told you in my previous mail, do not mention my name any were concerning how you got to know of the diversion.

Naturally I did as I was instructed not to do:

So let me read some of this back, Monica Howard, White House Chief of Staph, just to make sure I have it all:

1. You are the White House Chief of Staph to Gropey-Dopey Joe Bidumb.

2. You wish I not use your name in any correspondence for diversion porpoises.

3. You are consorting with a South African reverend of dubious antecedence to bring me money.

4. You care about my well-being.

Okayyyyyyyyyyy.

My pet rocks, Seymour and Element, have some questions:

You have a South African reverend in charge of this sh*t?

Whoa....what in the flying fish f**k are you thinking?  A South African reverend?  They're more crooked than Mr. John, that f**king rascal.

Why don't you throw Tammy Faye Bakker into the mix as long as you're at it?

Better still, let's invoke the witches and vampires of Salem, just so's your South African rev has something somewhat sorta connected to his profession to do?

Rethink the stratagem here and get back to me with a new but simpler path

to give me the business.

 Naturally, when I replied to this one I also included the Democrap National Committee and two or three democrap activist email addresses in the reply...just so's Monica could see how well I comply with instructions.

Monica's reply was rather satisfying:

what are you meaning here?

Whaddaya mean, "what are you meaning here?"  Whaddaya think that I am meaning here?  Whaddaya think my two pet rocks are meaning here?  The recap of your instructions were simple.  The questions my pet rocks asked were simple.  You have only to confirm to me that my recap of your information was correct, and to answer the simple questions my pet tocks put to you.  Kapish?  Now answer up like a good little White House Chief of Staph that you aren't, so we can get on with this nonsense.

That was clearly not the response Monica Howard was counting on, as her silence ever since suggests...

Touched By An Anvil

Which I am supposing that this particular scammer was, indeed, touched by.

When you read the opening two paragraphs of his original email, you'll tend to agree. 

This is how the Rev. Lawrence R. Larson began his email titled  DEAREST IN THE LORD,PLEASE READ AND REPLY QUICKLY:

 Dearest in Lard,
I greet you in name of our Jesus, May Holy Sprint of 40 yards be with your famiy. Please do not be upset with massage, it may not address directly your name but I strongly believe the Holy Sprint will torch you to read it. If you receive it as Junk or spam please move the inbox, it could be internet error or my low knowledge of technologe.  My name is Rev. Lawrence R. Larson from Florida, I am Clerjy Man, I have work 20 years in Assemblers of God Church in Florida, I now 87 Years old and has been hospitaled since October 2017, I was told recent that I may not make it next weeks, I had been under Medical Auspice since then, I had Cancer of the Long and it affect my breathe which I found it very difficult to breathe except with help of Onxygen, I am writing to you now from my sick bred and I want you to take note of following which is going to disclose you. 

While the rest of the email wasn't quite as bad as this, you get the gist of where he was going with it.

Needless to say, I simply HAD to take this one and edit it.  Well...I had to edit the REST of it.  The opening paragraph was too good simply as it was.

Yup...my guardian angel KNOWS me all too well:

Dearest in Lard,
I greet you in name of our Jesus, May Holy Sprint of 40 yards be with your famiy. Please do not be upset with massage, it may not address directly your name but I strongly believe the Holy Sprint will torch you to read it. If you receive it as Junk or spam please move the inbox, it could be internet error or my low knowledge of technologe.  My name is Rev. Lawrence R. Larson from Florida, I am Clerjy Man, I have work 20 years in Assemblers of God Church in Florida, I now 87 Years old and has been hospitaled since October 2017, I was told recent that I may not make it next weeks, I had been under Medical Auspice since then, I had Cancer of the Long and it affect my breathe which I found it very difficult to breathe except with help of Onxygen, I am writing to you now from my sick bred and I want you to take note of following which is going to disclose you.

I have total sum US$1,000,000.00 lifted from collection plates in time of span which was purported to be used for Charity nut, unfortunately, I was hospitaled and the plan to carry out this has been put pending, I am the only one who can author the release of the fund to anyone who stands as my next of Ken.  My wife Dr. Ruth Buzzi Weisenheimer Smith, that's her name too, was diseased a year ago without child.  I had no child -- if you saw wife you know why -- I been catering for sea urchins and manatees for 20 years when I start Clerjy work with the Assemblers of God Church.  Some assemblers required.  Assemblers didn't help the spouse much.

 

My banker would not hesitate to take and use this monkey for the greater gourd once I signed the release in your name. After my prayers this morning for a nurse that look like Taylor Swift's $50 t-shirts, the good Lard revealed this email to me, I was touched by an anvil which I never seed coming or hear'd breathing hard, because I do not know where it come from.  I hear of pennies from Heaven...not anvils.

 

Being a clerjy Man, I can't disobey the word of Dog, I have to quickly unclothe this information to you through the help of my primate nurse Bobo, I may not be able to write to you always due to my condition -- when Bobo is giving me massage I am fly around room like cheap luggage -- but please I need your trust and commitment that you will get me another nurse that isn't primate like Bobo. 

She doesn't have to be Taylor Swift in $50 t-shirt but that won't hurt.  I want you to estabilish home where buffalo roam and deer and antelope play with themselves...if you saw them on Noah's Ark, you not be shocked by that.  Before this will be done, you have to convince me that you will do as I said and your word will be your bond.  James Bond.
 

I need you to fill the information below for my proper documentation to make me a fake ID because I never has one before.

Your full name,

Home address

Date of Birth

Telephone number

Private email address

Next of Kin

Occupation

Marital status

ID/Passport

What do you wear to bed
Can I too

As soon as I received the information above from you -- no anvils, please -- I shall have one of Taylor Swift's $50 t-shirts email you my ID (Drivers License, Passport, and my Clerjyman ID), I will also proceed to rob some collection plates in your name through the US Ninth Short Circuit HIGH COURT, please if you are really touched by this message and it wasn't an anvil, you will be able to execute this.  Granted, it probably deserves to be executed, but I digress.

 

Please don't reply to the email that sent you my message; it is an evil Russian bot alleged to have helped Bullwinkle win the erection from Natasha, and those of us old enough to remember, know how messed up that would be for Sherman and Peabody to go back and try to sort out in their way back machine.
 

Just forward me your personal details on my private email here ( rev.lawrence.clergy@gmail.com ) immediately.
 

I am waiting for your reply to my private email.  Please remember me when they pass out cheese grits.  In case you sneezed, gesundloose.  Tighten it and that won't happen.
 

Your Brother in Crust

Rev. Lawrence R. Larson

 

After sending the good reverend this edited version, I heard nothing further back from him.  Or Bobo.  Or Pastor Gas.  Or any of the wayback machine crowd.

My pet rock, Seymour, would have been thrilled to have heard from Taylor Swift, however.

"RRROWrrrrrrr!"

 

Another Scam Pastor To Pasture

Fake pastors are ever' where.  Especially online.

2018 sees no change in that.

Like this one:

GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY AND OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST
THE GIVER OF EVERY GOOD THING.

GRACE TO YOU AND PEACE FROM GOD OUR FATHER AND THE LORD JESUS CHRIST.

FIRST LET ME START BY INTRODUCING MYSELF. I AM (REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE).
THE PUBLISHER OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS IN HIS MIGHTINESS GLOBAL
MINISTRY. WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE CALLING FROM THE LORD
TO HELP THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED AND IN FINANCIAL PROBLEM, BY GIVEN OUT
LOAN TO ANY, INDIVIDUAL, COMPANY'S AND SOCIETY THAT NEED MONEY TO DO
BUSINESS.

THE AMOUNT OF THE LOAN HAS BEEN SIGNED AND APPROVED BY THE CHURCH
COMMITTEE THE SUM OF US$20,000.00 (TWENTY THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS). WHICH
YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO LOAN. BUT YOU ARE TO RETURN THE LOAN WHICH
IS GRANTED TO YOU IN (ONE). YEARS AGREEMENT. INTEREST RATE: IN THE
LOAN WE OFFER IS 1% INTEREST RATE.

WE ARE GIVING A MAXIMUM DURATION OF (ONE) YEARS TO THE LOAN SEEKER SO
THAT HE /SHE WILL BE ABLE TO REPAY THE LOAN WITHIN THAT PERIOD. I
DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW TONIGHT
THAT GOD FAVOR HAVE LOCATED YOU!


THE LORD HEAR YOU IN THE DAY OF TROUBLE" THE NAME OF THE GOD OF JACOB
DEFEND THEE SEND THEE HELP FROM THE SANCTUARY; AND STRENGTHEN THEE OUT
OF ZION.I SAY MORE HELP IS COMING; MORE HELP IS COMING YOUR WAY SOONER
THAT YOU EXPECT. I MEAN DIVINE HELP. HEAVEN IS ABOUT TO RESPOND TO
YOUR CALL.

(1). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE COMPLEXITY OF THAT PROBLEM.
(2). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE MULTIPLICITY OF THE ISSUES TROUBLING YOU.
(3). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE INTENSITY OF THE PRESSURE AND TENSION IN YOUR LIFE.

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, THE LOVE OF GOD, AND THE
FELLOWSHIP OF THE HOLY SPIRIT BE WITH YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED KINDLY GET BACK TO US ASAP THROUGH OUR PRIVATE
EMAIL ADDRESS: rev.nicholasakunne@gmail.com

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, THE LOVE OF GOD, AND THE
FELLOWSHIP OF THE HOLY SPIRIT BE WITH YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY.

STAY BLESSED.

REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE  

Wahl bless 'is heart...he wants to loan me money.  *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Let's see how he copes with a wee bit of edit:

GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF A COKE BOTTLE FROM HAROLD, WHO BE THY NAME,
THE GIVER OF EVERY INFECTIOUS THING.

 GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY GRACE TO YOU AND PIECE FROM 1-900-V-PUSSY-HO

FROM OUR LOCAL BROTHEL.

FIRST LET ME START BY INTROGOOSING MYSELF BECAUSE IT FEEL SO GOOD, IT COULDN'T

BE REAL....WHOOOOOOOOOOOO... I AM (REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE).
THE PUBLISHER OF THE CHURCH OF THE IMMATULATE COSMIC HORK

IN HIS MIGHTINESS GLOBULAR MINISTRY. WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE

CALLING FROM A YAK HERD IN SIBERIA TO HELP THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED OF THE GNARLIEST

HAIRBALLS ON THE PLANET SINCE THE ABSENCE OF THE WOOLY BULLY MADE IT SO.

 FROM THE GOLDEN COW UDDER OF HER MAGISTRATE THE LORDESS OF THE BUFFALO

WINGS, WE ARE GIVING A MAXIMUM DURATION OF ONE YEAR TO THOSE OF FALLEN

ARCHES TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

TONIGHT THAT A GOAT BAPHOMET IN THE HOUSE OF NIGERIAN ILLUMINATI HAS

MASTURBATED WITH A PELICAN AND HAVE FOUND FAVOR WITH ANY ANAL BOIL

THAT LOOKS REMOTELY LIKE YOU! 

 THIS FALSE DEITY HEAR YOU IN THE DAY OF TROUBLE" THE NAME OF THE COKE

BOTTLE OF JOHN JACOB DINGLEPHUCKER SMITH TO DEFEND AGAINST THEE SEND

THEE HELP FROM AN OUTHOUSE SANCTUARY; AND PURGE THEE WITH A FIRE HOSE

I SAY MORE HELP IS COMING; STILL MORE HELP IS BREATHING HARD YOUR WAY SOONER
THAT YOU EXPECT. 

A TRIBE OF NIGERIAN GOSSAMER CHIA PETS WILL ANSWER YOUR CALL.

(1). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE COMPLEXITY OF THAT PROBLEM.
(2). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE MULTIPLICITY OF THE ISSUES TROUBLING YOU.
(3). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE INTENSITY OF THE PRESSURE AND TENSION IN YOUR LIFE.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS SEX AND FOOTBALL.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED KINDLY GET BACK TO US ASAP THROUGH OUR PRIMATE
EMAIL ADDRESS: rev.nicholasakunne@gmail.com

WITH LUCK, OUR PRIMATE WON'T DESTROY THE CPU BEFORE WE GET TO SEE

THE MESSAGE.

 STAY BLESSED WHEN YOU SNEEZE, CUZ WE GOTS NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER HERE.

REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE  

 

 

Ol' Rev, he decides fer hisself that he doesn't like what I dun to his song, Ma:

 

 

Greetings in the name of the lord almighty and our lord Jesus Christ.

What do you mean by scammers i am a Rev. and i can never use the name
of Lord in Vain if you don't need the loan kindly say so.

I acknowledge the receipt of your email and the contents were fully understood.  

 

 

Apparently not on the latter...but you can try, try, try again.  Perhaps you can up your offer.  Yes, that might be worth a percent to see you do that.  *Jeopardy Theme whilst you're upping it*  

 

 

go away  

 

 

Awwwww, wassamatta Rev?  Hit you between your goat head baphomet did I?  

 

 

He didn't have a prayer of putting my character on or pulling this off.  He can always try for a cable channel...

 

Email Scams Are Nine-Tenths the Problem

There is no shortage of scam pastors out there, in and outside Scamland.

I hear from a goodly number therefrom.

Like this one:


Revival Holy Church.
boulevard, 109  BP 543 Ghana
Accra .

Dearest in Christ ,

I am  Pastor Michael and by the Grace of God, Pastor in charge Revival Holy Church  here in Ghana Accra. I know that this letter might come to you as a surprise. Nevertheless, I will like you to treat this matter very important as you can once you receive this message because my contact to you is a divine contact based on God's direction. I am also believing that you will not let down this trust as I am quite sure that you are also a believer of the Gospel of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Late Mrs Elizabeth Dodo  was a full member of our church and was a sincere and devoted Christian too. Due to the trust she had on me as her Pastor, before her sudden death, she revealed to me $9.5.million her late husband Dr.Stephen Dodo deposited in the  bank here which he wanted to used on an Oversea Business Projects before his sudden death as was caused by Car Accident. Her Wife Mrs Elizabeth Dodo revealed this to me in case she did not survive her sickness. She instructed me to make an arrangement with a foreigner who will contact the bank as her late husband Foreign Associate and provide a means of transferring this fund for the future of her only Son . She do not want the money to be invested in this country because of their enemies and also the Condition of our country  and instability here in GHANA  and West Africa as a whole. Though we did everything possible, spiritually and physically for her to survive, but behold, it was her time to meet the Almighty ( May her Soul Rest in Peace Amen).  


You get the ideer.

I didn't waste any time on the edit.

Actually, yes I did:

From: Pastor Michael Mensah< mrsgracelee200@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, December 11, 2017 10:03 AM
Subject: I Wait For Your Blessed Urgent and Holly Holy Berry Reply 

The Royal Horkage of Revival Holy Church Of The Outhouse Monks 'n Mushroom Men
boulevard, 109  BP 543 Ghana
Accra .

Dearest in Coke bottles dropped from He Who Giveth All Return Deposits,

I am  Louie Pastor Michael row the boat ashore, halle berry, and by the Grace of dogma the Pastor in charge of the one, the ONLY, The Royal Horkage of Revival Holy Church Of The Outhouse Monks 'n Mushroom Men here in Ghana Accra. I know that this letter might come to you as a surprise.  Sooprise, sooprise, sooprise!  Nevertheless, I will like you to treat this matter very holly holy as you can once you receive this message because my contact to you is a divine contact based on Pastor Gas and his timely flatulations from the almighty Coke bottle giver from hence all things peculiar are possumbull which is quite a creature in an octopuses garden in a burkah...in July.

 

 

I am also believing that you will not let down this trust even after reading that last sentence six ways from Sunday and not being able to fathom it in enough water to have it go off the sonar.   I am quite sure that you are also a believer of the Gospels of Matthew Mark Luke and Duck, from whenst all of Rock Ridge descended into one of the strangest campfire scenes ever shot.

 Late Mrs Elizabeth Dodo  was a full member of our church and herself came from an extinct and dubious antecedence that enjoyed a miraculous resurgence with the advent of Homer Simpson's catch phrase.  Due to the dirt she had on me as her Pastor -- she obtained photos of me leaving a Motel 6 at 3am with an inflatable Hellary Clinton sex toy and a kazoo in late November 2016 -- and subsequent to her sudden death from having an airplane fall on her ox cart during the filming of Airplane IV, she revealed to me that she also had photos of Al Franken groping a Mona Lisa portrait that was never the same after the event.  Please see pictotorial evidence marked exhibit 1:

So before she could sue the US Senate Democrapic Committee for not paying her off, her late husband Dr. Stephen Dodo -- no relation to Homer Simpson -- deposited all of Hellary's emails that Wikileaks got their mitts on with help from Russian phrenologists working under the covers in Vaduz, Liechtenstein during the 2012 election while taking payoffs from the Clinton Globull Crimedation.   His sudden death was caused by a car accidentally being fallen on by one of Hellary's out of control brooms.  

Mrs Elizabeth Dodo revealed this to me in case she did not survive her stunt role in Airplane IV like Julie Haggerty's career after Airplane.  She instructed me to make an arrangement with a foreign entity of monk mushroom men from a 1970s obscure script to stand in as her late husband's Foreign Associate Eric Cartman and provide a means of explaining all this without 20/20 showing up at their doorstep with Brian Ross making even more exaggerated claims than he already got popped for.  Though we did everything possible, spiritually and physically for her to survive, but behold, it was her time to meet the Almighty because Hellary didn't get elected and someone had to pay.

 Her collection of Beatles 45s that only play backwards and make such poignant lyrical declarations as "devil bunnies, devil bunnies..I snort the banana!" are now under my  care.  You used to be able to get pirated knock offs of this collection from K-Tel and Ronco, but Virgin Records had their cherry popped by Harvey Weinstein and now all you see is Cher with far too much botox and bondo in re-runs.

Please, if this letter touches you in the same way a spiritual monkey was touched by an anvil, and you are willing to guide this monkey to being touched by something far less heavy and metallic, please get back to me immediately so that I will give you more details about therapy options and their associated costs under the Unaffordable Hellthscare Act from 2010 which had a short run on Broadway due to high deductibles.

Canadians simply won't cross the border for that sh*t.

Feel very free to carry on this peculiar email the way some families regift a toxic fruitcake from one generation to the next, until it attacks a virgin sheep herd in Syria during Ramalama-ding-dong.

 

 It is fervently hoped from here that our Virgin Mother Coke bottle from which comes all hard breathing that you will never let me down for directing me to you via Tim Conway and Siamese elephants.

 I am sending this mail to you with a Divine Glory of our Lord Privy Seal who performs for fish three times daily at the Renaissance festival in Larkspur.  Please can contact me after reading this mail with good faith almond crunch.  My primate's email is mrmichaelmensah70@gmail.com but it might not work because my primate is as hard on computers as he is Samsonite luggage.

 Gesundloose, in case you sneezed.  Tighten that and it will stop.

Pastor Michael Mensah  

Amazingly, the good pasture actually responded to this edit:


what is this  


It is the spiritual essence of what you sent me, Rev.  Don't you recognize your own spiritual intent when you see it?  


When put like that, apparently he did.

Amen.