Scam IMF Reaches For The Stars

At this point, I doubt that even Uranus is ready for Joe Bidumb.

Meantime, email scammers probably won't know the difference.

It's 2022, but scammers are still using pre-COVID templates that have neither been updated or vaccinated against the #FJB variant.

Take a look:

Dear Beneficiary,

In review of the alarming rate of Money Laundering and Extortion observed by U.S Treasury Department , a petition to IMF International Regulatory Authority through the U.S Congress and the IMF International Regulatory sworn into action that the governing body of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) facts finding department to investigate the unnecessary delay of accredited payments ,as your email was among the listed beneficiaries submitted for the approved Scheduled Payment.

In the Payment Schedule (IMF Debt Payment Review), you are approved to receive the sum of US$13,000,000.00(Thirteen Million Dollars Only). And following the concluded IMF acquisition process of all pending payments with the U.S Treasury Department, it was resolved and agreed upon that all unclaimed Funds should be released ASAP.

Based on these facts,please note that upon receipt of your response we will process and send your Payment , so if you like to receive your fund, contact the director in charge of the payment disbursement at INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND SETTLEMENT CENTER Mr.Steven Timm on his email address: And also send him the following information;

Full Names:
Mailing/Residential Address:
Cell Phone Number:
Age/Sex/Occupation:

If you need an urgent attention send an email to him immediately.

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed beneficiaries to be settled.

FOR International Monetary Fund   

New year, same old templates.

My pet rock, Seymour, has been on a space exploration kick ever since William Shatner finally made it into space, two or three centuries before his character will.

Thus it goes to follow that Seymour's edit of this tired template would have something of a space theme to it:

From: WTF <mailto@imf.org>
Sent: Wednesday, December 15, 2021 7:17 PM
To: jacknjillwentoffthepill01@hotmail.com 
Subject: Settlement Plots on Uranus Open For Bidding      

Vhat Das Phuckensee,

In review of the alarming rate of Monkey Laundering and Fecal Excretions observed by the Treasury of Nigeria, a petition to WTF International Regulatory Authority through the Nigerian government and the WTF International Regulatory sworn into action that the governing body of the International Monketary Famdamily (IMF) facts finding department to investigate the assignment of settlement plots on the planet Uranus that begin accepting applications 1 January 2022 and begin accepting settlers on those plots after January 1, 2034. 

 The unnecessary delay of moving forward was due to insufficient interplanetary access; but Space X has agreed to handle all flights starting in January 2025, since it takes eight years to get there.

In the transport Schedule (WTF Review), you are approved for a window seat on Space X Omicron IV, the #FJB Express, with scheduled launch on January 3, 2025, arriving on Uranus on or about January 10, 2034.  

Based on these facts, please note that upon receipt of your reservations we will process and send your boarding pass, so if you like to receive your boarding pass soonest, contact the director in charge of the transportation authority of the WTF Mr. Steven Timm on his email address.

And also send him the following information;

Full Names:

Mailing/Residential Address:
Cell Phone Number:
Age/Sex/Occupation:

Estimated Coordinates Of Your Awarded Settlement on Uranus:

If you think that you need an urgent attention send an email to him immediately, but really...we're not launching until January 2025.

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your transport seating because here in this office, we have a lot of listed nincompoops wanting to go to Uranus to be settled.

I remain this week only,

Mr. Steven Timm

WTF Travel Coordinator

stevetimm@yandex.com

"Nuffin Could Be Finer Than Be Flyin' To Uranus In Da Mornin'"

Most times, an edit like this ends the game before it can get going.  This time, the email originator did have something to say in reply:

what hell is this?

Whaddaya mean?  

this is not email i send.

Really?  That's what I received from you.  Perhaps you should check your template and try your send again.  It's really hard to get good help in your neck of the woods, after all.

After that one, the scammer saw no point in further reply.

Seymour was naturally disappointed.

"Was NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Seymour is even built for Uranus...and can't see what I just did there.

"Can TOO!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Post 1800: Dying Scammers And Uranus Wunst Agin

This blog began in June 2005 with Post 1.

At an average of one post every three or so days, it's taken this long to make it to Post 1800.

Naturally, Uranus would have to find a place in it.

Since it starts with a Third World email scam, that fits.

A heavily-favored template in Scamland is that of a dying person in a Third World hospital, offering the email recipient millions.

Righhhhhhhhhht.

Here's the latest effort to tug at my heart strings from Scamland:

Hello,
I'm Ms Aleksandra Lakic. I am writing from a hospital in Ivory Coast,
therefore this mail is very urgent.

I have been told by my doctor that I was poisoned and have got my liver 

damaged and can only live for few more weeks, I have a little orphan child, 

named Janice and [8.4 Million dollars] I inherited from my late father, I 

want you to help her out of this country with the money. 

(1) Set out 40% of the money to establish my daughter Janice 

(2) Give 30% of the money to the less privileged. The remaining 

30% should be for you and others that you may love to assist. 

Contact my daughter with her details below.

Janice Lakic
janicelakic@gmail.com
Telephone: +225 0574 0164 79

She will give you the documents of the money and will direct you to a
well known lawyer that I have appointed to her, the lawyer will assist
you to change the documents of the money to your name to enable the
bank to transfer the money to you. Janice is a young girl therefore
guides her.
Thanks for your acceptance to help accomplish my wish.
Ms Aleksandra Lakic

 This would have been all well and good, 'cept that over the years, I have no heart strings available to tug.  My pet rocks, Seymour and Element, will confirm that.

So my reply to both Lakics would be anticipated to reflect that:

Statistically speaking, you are less likely to emerge from a hospital in the Ivory Coast than you are to survive a journey to Uranus in a Yugo.

I recommend you find yourself a Yugo to become ensconced in soonest if not soonerer.

When survival is better th'yah than h'yah,

the sooner you start, the better off-er-er you'll be.  Just sayin'.

The elder and allegedly ailing Lakic had nothing further to add after that, but Janice Lakic wasn't quite ready to let it go, though the understanding gap was obvious:

i do not undersand your reply?

So I see.  Allowing for clarification, your operation to give me the business has aborted.  You might try a new tact and template.  Perhaps one involving an inflatable sex toy, a Motel 6, a compromised politician, and Preparation H misused as toothpaste. See if your handlers understand THAT.

From the silence that followed, it appears that Lakic's handlers did indeed 'undersand' that.

A Royal "Out Of This World" Edit

 Element -- my other 'editing gone wild' pet rock -- has developed something of a fascination with the family of my 21st cousin, thrice-removed.

That would be the current Queen of England, Elizabeth II.

My Amazon Alexa is very off-put by not receiving the same degree of attention.

Element noted that since the Queen's snot-nosed grandson and his race-card waving spouse -- a failed actress of dubious actingcedence -- have pinned the racism card to the Royal Famdamily, the media can't let go of the issue.

Not that our or Brit media has much to brag about these days about what they choose to cover and how, but I digress.

At any rate, Element took on the latest rant against the Royals and took it a step beyond:

New racism allegations hit Buckingham Palace – and not from the wuss or his wench

Element PetRock, WTFNS  1 hr ago

Already reeling from suggestions of racism in the royal family from former royals Wuss and Wench, Buckingham Palace was confronted Wednesday with explosive new allegations of decades of systemic discrimination against people from planets in and outside of this Solar System – and with documentation that some claim will back it up eventually.

The Cattle Guard, Britain's left-ruined newspaper and a leader in the longstanding movement to get rid of parking meters in Burundi, published a report declaring that Queen Elizabeth II's top courtiers banned “outworlder aliens” from serving in official roles in the royal household until at least the late 2060s, according to documents the paper discovered in the United Kingdom's National Anchovies, Kippers, et al.

"(The documents reveal) how in 2068, the future Queen’s chief financial manager – assuming that the current Queen isn't still defying odds and is still reigning – will inform civil servants that 'it was not, in fact, the practice to appoint outworlder aliens  to official roles in the royal household, although they were permitted to audition for bit parts in music videos and Rowan Atkinson spoofs" The Cattle Guard reported.

Start the day smarter. Avoid cnn.

Prior to 2068, the top positions advising the monarch mostly went to upper-class or aristocratic snobs and persons of royal if dubious antecedence, many of whom claimed Oxbridge credentials that were oft-times and rather spuriously obtained through Etsy.com.

The dunny paper also reported the documents show that coming in the 2070s, the future queen – or current one at the rate she's going – will be able to negotiate with government officials to allow certain outworlders to serve in the royal household, pursuant to their meeting some rather peculiar standards raised in a few Monty Python features, which to this day  have been kept secret from even the Monty Python Flying Circus.

WTFNS sought comment from Buckingham Palace about The Cattle Guard's story.  The Palace spokesperson responded with a quaint “bugger off, wankers”, followed by a near-national nervous breakdown that resulted in the spokesperson running about Piccadilly Circus in a tutu and throwing “pixy dust” (later determined to have been used cat litter) at anyone appearing to be from Liverpool.

The Palace is already on edge after the current Energizer Bunny queen's grandson, 36, and his domineering 'woke' and culture-canceler American wife, 39, claimed she had been a target of German V-1 and V-2 rockets during a World War II re-enactment on social media, and that a member of the royal family had wondered about the sanity of social media as a result. 

In what might have been coincidental timing, the news in The Cattle Guard came on the same day Buckingham Palace announced plans to celebrate the queen's Platinum mammogram next year,  an unprecedented milestone for any British monarch.  King George in any version never had one.

Prince William and Duchess Kate:  still royal after all these years.

© Courtesy Who's Liner Is It Anyway Queen Elizabeth II presides over the naming of the 1,777-passenger Queen Rhapsody on Sept. 20 of some past year.

Initially, the palace declined to respond to The Cattle Guard for its report. Later, the palace issued a statement to WTFNS, suggesting that claims based on a "rogue, unreleased episode of Are You Being Served? from years ago" might not be relevant to contemporary operations.  On this, the spokesperson was adamant.

"The Royal Household and the Sovereign will, when such time as Mars Attacks, comply with the provisions of the Outworlder and Alien Equality Act, in principle and in practice," the palace statement said. "This is reflected in the diversity of ways and means that Rowan Atkinson has depicted the Queen heretofore, afterfore, and whenever more. Any complaints that might be raised under the Act follow a formal process that will be worked out by the 2060s, we think."

After Meghan made Harry go wuss with their complaints in conversation with  some clown from Hollywad, the palace waited two days to issue a statement saying the couple's accusations of human racehorses and a lack of acting opportunities in music videos are taken "with the bleedin' degree of what the bloomin' hell" they deserve and will be addressed by the royal family at such point in the future as the complainants are voting for Colonial democrats from cemeteries."

"The whole family is saddened to learn that Miss Universe never comes from anyone outside of Earth. The issues raised, particularly that of outworlder spaceism, are concerning," the statement read. "While some recollections vary depending on how cnn and bad lies matter script it, they are taken with the grain of seasoning suitable to the issue and will be addressed by the family at some point in the future that is as yet undetermined."

Since then, the palace has remained a 'duck hit over the head look' that suggests silence is golden. However, the wuss's brother, responding to a reporter's question during an engagement a few days later, tersely declared that the royal family is "very much not against space aliens as gardeners and groundskeepers. We just don't want them in the bloody kitchen." 

Meanwhile, the remaining Beatles have been pilloried on Uranus by the media, members of the Uranus Parliament and millions of Uranusans, according to multiple polls and a deluge of social media comments, because they refused to admit that the song Lucy's Getting High On Door Knobs was offensive to Uranus. No one understands why, which has made it even more offensive, causing Uranus to consider declaring war on the Beatles in 2029, which is how long it would take them to get here, they think.

Even Seymour was impressed that Element could work in Uranus with the Royals.  With two of them, it wasn't so hard...

Elements Are More Than Just Animals With Big Ears

It's every bit as bizarre in Scamland as it is in the DNC these days.

Nigerian scammers are pushing crap every bit as nonsensical as The Green New Deal.  Much to that Cortez broad's chagrin.

Here's a sample of the latest out of Nigeria...which could easily have come out of the DNC:


YOUR PAYMENT NOTIFICATION
INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF)
HEAD OFFICE NO: 77, Obafemi Awolowo Way, Ikeja
LAGOS STATE NIGERIAN.

CHECK HERE VIEW OUR WEBSITE; www.imf.org

IMF -- International Monetary Fund Home Page IMF Home page with links to News, About the IMF, Fund Rates, IMF Publications, What's New, Standards and Codes, Country Information and featured topics www.imf.org

 PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL== mr.kenrichard2020@gmail.com

                           INSTRUCTION TO RELEASE YOUR FUND
ATTENTION:

This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of
a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been
experiencing in getting your long overdue payment of $15Million  USD due
to excessive demand for money from you by both corrupt Bank officials
and Courier Companies after which your fund remain unpaid to you.

I am Mr. Ken Richard a highly placed official of the International
Monetary Fund (IMF). It may interest you to know that reports have
reached our office by so many correspondences on the uneasy way which
people like you are treated by Various Banks and Courier Companies/
Diplomat across Europe to Africa and Asia /London Uk and we have decided
to put a stop to that and that is why I was appointed to handle your
transaction here in Nigeria. All Governmental and Non-Governmental
prostates, NGOs, Finance
Companies, Banks, Security Companies and Courier companies which have
been in contact with you of late have been instructed to back up from
your transaction and you have been advised NOT to respond to them
anymore since the IMF is now directly in charge of your fund.  


The email went on for several more tortured paragiraffes, but the wonder is that not once were cow farts mentioned therein.

When it came time for a reply -- and an edit -- cow farts were curiously absent from that, too:


From: WTF FUND. Mr Ken Richard <mrjonesrobinson250@gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, March 27, 2019 8:14 AM
Subject: WTF FUND. Mr Ken 'The Dick' Richard.  WE FOUND YOUR PANTS

 

WE FOUND YOUR PANTS NOTIFICATION
WHAT THE F**K
HEAD OFFICE NO: 77, Obafemi Awolowo Way, Ikeja
LAGOS STATE NIGERIAN SLAG PITS.

PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL== mr.kenrichard2020@gmail.com

                           INSTRUCTION TO RETRIEVE YOUR PANTS
ATTENTION:

This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of
a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been
experiencing in getting your pants back from here.

I am Mr. Ken 'The Dick' Richard a patently ludicrous figure of the International
Horse of Road Apples (IHRA). It may interest you to know that reports have
reached our office by so many tweets and emails on the uneasy way which
people like you are having their pants found in all sorts of locations.

 We have decided to put a stop to that and that is why I was appointed to handle your pants return here in Nigeria. All Governmental and Non-Governmental
prostates, genitals, bowel movements and other like entities which have been

basically mucking this up have been instructed to back up from contacting you

furtherer and you have been advised NOT to respond to them anymore since

WTF is now directly in charge.

AOC thinks that she's in charge...meh.  She can't find her ass with both hands.

The most annoying thing is that your pants that you left here are badly fouled.

Small wonder you left them here.  You must have run into our government-run

house of ill-repute, and seed all the 400 pound prostitutes they have there.

Truth be told, I'd foul my pants too, if I saw some of them coming my way.

 I do not intend to work here all the days of my life; I have a dream of a small

dacha in an unpillaged portion of Newark where I can see the ocean and not

have to hear the sound of leftist millennials screaming on behalf of dead tree

stumps and that Hellary lost, while frothing at the mouth from noshing Tide

pods.  But first, the issue of returning your pants to you must be fulfilled.

Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria where everyone thinks they're

living a bit like The Sopranos and Breaking Bad, if it were depicted on

South Park. 

You may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian.  I know no one

from Uranus understands it.  If they were from Nigeria, they're probably

prefer Uranus.  Certainly the current #WalkAway movement from the DNC

would vastly prefer Uranus to life in Bela Pelosi's or Maxipad Waters'

respective districts.

In a brief aside -- pun might be intended, we'll see -- the following persons

are up for a Nigerian Emmy for Best Depiction Of A Post Mueller Report

Meltdown in 2019.  The nominees are:

 1) Prof. Charles soludo(CBN)
2)make dave
3) Chief Lamido Sanusi(CBN)
4) John Rob(Barclays bank plc)
5) Mrs Stella Brown(Barclays bank plc)
6) Ronald Franklin
7)  (Federal Reserve Bank of New York)
8) Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Obi
9) Mr. Mike Jombo
Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
10) Mr. Tunde Lemo
Deputy Governor - Financial Sector Surveillance / Board Member
(11) Mrs. W. D. A. Mshelia
Deputy Governor - Corporate Services / Board Members
12) Mrs. Okonjo Iweala
13) Mrs. Rita Ekwesili
14)Mr.Rick Ruzzi--Us Bank
15)Mr. Harold Wesley-Citizens Bank Of Canada
16)Mr.Agent Jason Gale-FBI
17)Mr. Grant Watson

18)That Cortez broad from NY's 14th congressional district of fools

19)The View cast

20)Everyone at Berkeley

You are hereby advised NOT to entrust your pants to any of those

folks, even if they win.

Please complete the informations below, just on accounta cuz:

1. Full Name:
2. Address:
3. Nationality:
4. Age: Date of Birth:
5. Occupation:
6. Phone: Mobile/Cellular
7. State of Origin:
8. Copy of your identity Card

9. Address and phone numbers of any virgins you might know

Also Call me (+234-903-485-7049) as soon as you receive the letter so
that I am given some hope that at least one knucklehaid out there will

received this.

Hurry while supplies last.
Mr Ken 'The Dick' Richard
PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL== mr.kenrichard2020@gmail.com  

 

 

No reply was forthcoming from 'The Dick'.  Nor was one coming from the DNC; they know how bad that Cortez broad is going over, and many of them are guilty of leaving their pants in all sorts of compromising locations.  #Metoo can't keep up.

Someone might see what I just did there...

Of Methane And Money

South Park's notion of Canadians -- aka, Terrence & Philip -- aren't the end of interests in methane.

An alleged Syrian email scammer -- Dr. Moussa Ibrahim -- found out that methane and money can have some curious connections.

Witness, if you will/dare/can, the entire contact thread between Dr. Ibrahim, and my dubious character, Ukulele Ungabunga:

From: Dr. Moussa Ibrahim <moussaibrahim@mail.bg>
Sent: Wednesday, March 1, 2017 8:43 AM
Subject: Proposal

 

Dear,

                                Proposal

I am Dr. Moussa Ibrahim from Aleppo in Syria.  Before the war come to us I was money controller for large contracting firm in Aleppo where I could add charges to billings to foreign contractors.  Over time this overcharges come to about $30 million USD that I and my partner managed to hide in consignment boxes sent to a security company in Amsterdam, Netherlands.  My partner was killed during war here so meanwhile, I am contacting you because I find your informations in a business register online and I need your help as a foreign person to access these fund now in Amsterdam.

I will like to discuss with you to know the possibility of how we can co-operate and work together as business partner. Please if you are interested to assist me kindly get back to me for us to discuss on how to transfer the fund from the security company under your custody.

Thank you for your understanding.
Waiting for your urgent reply,
Best Regards,
Dr. Moussa Ibrahim.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I am gratified, if a bit nonplused, that you would choose me for this dubious adventure.  My name is Ukulele Ungabunga and you say you find me in a business register?  Curiosity put a kilt on a cat.  What roll do you see me in?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for your reply Mr. Ukulele.  Where are you from please?

--------------------------------------------------------------

I emigrated from Uranus to Liechtenstein two years ago. Good thing there were no border fences at the space port.  

--------------------------------------------------------------

Really?  how long was this to do?

-------------------------------------------------------------

It seemed like forever in the travel phase. Meteors are a problem.... But I here and abnormally adjusted gravitationally. What can I do for you?

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I have actually been inflating charges to foreign contractors here in Syria prior

to the breakout of war here that over time come to more than $30 million USD

that I and my dead partner placed in consignment boxes with a security company

in Amsterdam that require the both of us to retrieve.  The security company does

not know what the consignment boxes contain as we reported it to be financial

recordings, not the cash it really is.

Now that my dead partner cannot cooperate with me, I need you to stand in

as my dead partner so that we can retrieve the consignment boxes.  I have

work out all modalities and arrangement, but I need you to represent as

my partner so the security company will allow transfer of the consignment

boxes under your care.

These boxes are protected by the governing body of the United Nations Monetary

Unit and the International Monetary Fund (IMF).

In this regards, you are to contact and furnish the requested information to
the Controller of Global Securities Holdings Inc with the followings;

1. Your Name:
2. Country :
3. Age :
4. Occupation :
5. Mobile Telephone:
6. Delivery Address:
7. Zip Code:
8. Marital status:

Scan copy of any of your identification:

I Dr. Moussa Ibrahim hereby declared  that, all the above information
produced by me are true.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Granted, I am still getting used to all this here.  From my reading, this

certainly sounds like lots of value, what which you talk.

If you want me to play dead, I think I can do this.  I teach my pet

tarantula to do this.  He not so good at sit or beg yet.

Where I am from, we do not use paper or metal things that represent

value with which we obtain things or exchange things.  On Uranus,

our "coin of the realm" if you will is methane.

 

 

  I was recently chastised by a Liechtensteinian constable for lunging after

a woman that -- if I have this term right -- "farted" most largely and loudly

in front of me, because on Uranus, that is deemed wealth.  Having 30 anum

cubic particulates of methane is very very good there.  Here..it causes people

to run and make faces.

 

What do I do next?

After that reply, Dr. Ibrahim apparently had someone read the emails that he had been glossing over...and he wouldn't has more speaks with me.  Too bad, too:  I was working on explaining how that Starbucks cup wound up on Uranus...Mars...wherever.