Melania Trump 'n Me

Not really.

But an email I recently received was meant to convince me that I had, in fact, heard from Mrs. Trump.  And with good news, too.

Witness if you will:


Mrs.Melania Trump rsensolini@alice.it wrote:

Bank of America Corporate Office Headquarters
100 N.Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 Our Ref:BOA/IRU/SFE/15.5/WD/011
United States of America
Monday-Friday
8 a.m.-9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT)
Saturday and Sunday
8 a.m.-4 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT) Email:williamsjones596@gmail.com

Dear esteemed customer,

The Management of the Bank of America Corporate Office Headquarters
here in 100 N.Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 wishes to inform you that
after a brief meeting held by the Bank executives yesterday,the 9
Day of January,2017 at precisely 8 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT),
we deem it appropriate to intimate you that your funds will be
transferred into the United States Treasury Account with the JP Morgan
Chase Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York according to the
record we got from Africa due to your inability to complete the
transaction and your failure to meet up with a minor payment
obligation.The actual transfer of your funds($15,500,000.00) into the
government account comes up next week.

This is in line with the instructions of the USA Treasurer,Mrs.Rosa
Gumataotao Rios that all unclaimed funds be paid into the United
States Government Treasury Account as unserviceable funds in
compliance to section 3 subsection 1(a) of the United States Financial
Law enacted in 2001 after an attack on our dear country on September
11,2001.

Find below the profile of the banking institution where your funds
will be transferred into following the government directive And note
to responds to us with below Email:williamsjones596@gmail.com
 
Name of Bank: JP Morgan Chase Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York.
JP Morgan Chase Official Bankers for the United States Treasury Department
AC NO: 68302345093
Routing NO:021109593
Account Name:United States Treasury Department,USA

Note that if you still wish to receive your funds do get back to us
immediately so that we will remove your funds transfer from the list
of those transactions to be seized by the United States
Government.Also be informed that we need only a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
SEAL OF TRANSFER(DIST) to complete the wire transfer.The fee to obtain
the SEAL was reduced from$600 to $100 and no other fee is involved.  


It went on for several more paragiraffes telling me to send the $100 to some gomer with piles in Benin to receive my $15.5 million USD.

Thank you, Melania.

Sadly, Melania didn't really send me that.  'She' sent it to one of my scambaiting characters.  And he -- politically incorrect snot that he is -- felt that an edited reply was necessary.  *Note to CIA:  no wiretaps were harmed during the course of editing this scam email from parties of dubious antecedence, probably comparable to that of the DNC*.    And with no foithah adieu:

From: Mrs:Melania Trump <rsensolini@alice.it>
Sent: Tuesday, March 14, 2017 10:44 PM
Subject: steemed 'n sautéed customer

 

Bank of Amurkitah Carport Office Hindquarters
100 Nevah Stop Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255
Our Ref:BOA/OMG/WTF/15.5/LOL/011
United States That Baggages Fees Are Poobah
Monday-Friday
8 a.m.-9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT)
Saturday and Sunday
8 a.m.-4 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT) Email:williamsjones596@gmail.com

Dear esteemed customer,

The Management of the Bank of Amurkitah Carport Office Hindquarters here

in 100 Nevah Stop Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 wishes to inform you that
after a brief meeting held by the Bank executives yesterday,the 9
Day of January,2017 at precisely 8 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT),
we deem it appropriate to let you know that we need a new f**king

calendar.

I mean, WTF...it's March 15 -- the Ides of March Madness -- and yesterday

was January 9th???

My elementary school chronology teacher would rupture a vaginal canal

over a gaffe like dat.

Since imitation is the highest form of flattening -- and it hasn't worked for

Rosie O'Donnell -- your funds will not be transferred into the USofA Treasury

Account with the JP Morgan Chasing Cute Hindquarters through traffic at

270 Park Avenue in New York because cabbies there are bat sh*t cray-cray.

Accordion to the record we got from the African band of Ukulele Ungabunga

and the Five Cannibal Douche Canoes, your inability to complete the
telepathic link up to a cosmic kumquat on Uranus has endangered the

entire gender reassignment of a herd of yaks in Dearborn, which was

supposed to have comes up next week.

This is in line with the bowel obstructions of the USA Treasurer,Mrs.Rosa
Gumataotao Rios, that all unclaimed funds be given a free burrito when

entering into the USA illegally as Syrian door knobs from Aleppo which

are knowd to be unserviceable and tend to blow up.  This has been

knowd pretty much since compliance to section 3 subsection 1(a) of the

United States Financial Law enacted in 2001 after an attack on an

inflatable Josie 'n the Puddy Tats by Michael Moore's bloviated

shadow.

Find below the pedophile lurking in the bank file room where your funds
are in danger of being molestated in accordance with the dictates of the

evil sammich Tuna Phish 'n The Twat Waffle Street Band.  If you have

questions about this -- and we have no doubt you will -- email us with

your incredulity at   williamsjones596@gmail.com
 
Now we have some non sequitur sh*t to disclaim here:

JP Morgan Chasing Cute Hindquarters into traffic at 270 Park Avenue in New York.
JP Morgan Chasing Cute Hindquarters is official perverts of the USA Monopoly

Monkey Department
AC NO: 68302345093
Routing NO:021109593
Account Name: USA Monopoly Monkey Department,USA (because we believe

in redundancy)

Note that if you still wish to receive a disheveled hamster that felched a

camel do get back to us immediately so that we will remove you from our

database and schedule you for a mental exam, you sick bastard.

 Also note in e-flat that only a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL that can

play horns and bark like a dawg for me when thrown anchovies
will successfully complete the sh*t this email is meant to start.  The fee to obtain
the SEAL was reduced from$600 to $100 because we couldn't find one

f**king idiot so stupid as to pay $600 for a dawg imitating seal that stinks

of bad fish and farts "I have an apple..I have a pen...I have an apple pen..UHHH"

in c-sharp.

You are required to send the fee of $100 by WESTERN UNION or MONEY
GRAM or JURASSIC AIR COURIER or by a pneumatic cannon with GPS

coordinatable targeting to the issuing officer at the bank where your

made up transaction originated as stated below:

DISINFORMATION
Receivers Name:Johnson Obata
Country :Benin Republic
City: Cotonou
AMOUNT to send: $100
Question.  Apple
Answer. Pen

Refrain:  Apple Pen

Climax:  UHHH
Sender's name:
MTCN or REFERENCE Number

The name of the city from where the money was sent

doesn't mean sh*t.  Just sayin.

If we receive the MTCN today,we will gladly pay you for a

hamburglar on Tuesday.  We will send you all the transfer documents,

close our internet café and declare a national holiday in Benin wherein

we cook and eat all the diplomats from Europe, America and Uranus.

 We have waited for so long and we cannot continue to wait.

We're hungry.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to give you the business.

More Cowbell,
Mr.Brian Moynihan(CEO)
Bank of Amurkitah®
Carport Office Hindquarters,Charlotte,N.C.
Bank of Amurkitah, N.A. Member FWTF.
© 2011 Bank of Amurkitah Carport. All rights in the hands of a

trigendered penguin named Opus
AR72768/DD6A66

 

The originating scammer had nothing further to say, and since no White House tweets were triggered by this, we know beyond all doubt that it wasn't Melania.

Rachal Madcow and the fake news sex organ cnn will no doubt seize on this.  Gesundheit when they do.