Here Come Da *Scam* Judge

No, it really isn't Laugh In's fault.

There aren't many angles that online email scammers don't try.  Pillaging the legal system for a successful scam template makes sense.

After all, they see how the American Left and dems are looting the legal system here.  So naturally, they think they can do it too.

This scammer thinks that an approach from our hoser neighbors up north, Canada, will produce something:

Welcome To Supreme Court of Canada
74 Woolwich St, Guelph, ON N1H 3T9, Canada
Ontario Superior Court of Justice,

Attention Dear beneficiary

From the Desk of. Hon. Justice Mr. Richard Wagner, (Born in Montreal
on April 2, 1957,) I was sworn into office on December 18, 2017. I am
the Chief Judge of Canada. I am sending you this mail in regards to
your fund inheritance payment worth US$12,000,000,000.00 Twelve
Billion United State Dollars in custody of the Royal Bank of Canada
(RBC).

This is to inform you that the Lottery Winning payment in the amount
of US$12,000,000,000.00 was legally approved and deposited with the
Bank, Royal Bank of Canada (RBC) The lottery won by your e-mail
address via online active email address selected from the sponsor of
Coca Cola Company award. It was registered with your email address by
the Lottery Board Executive Directors of Coca-Cola Company Canada
Branch,   

It goes on for a couple-three rather turgid paragiraffes before it gets to the rat killing:

To this end it will interest you to know that every and any
fee/charges required has been reduced to only the sum of $100 us
dollars. This step is in order to enable you to afford this only fee
and receive your ATM Visa Card. NOTE: Every documentation proof for
your fund has been packaged and sealed to be mailed together with your
Visa Card to your address.

You are required to buy only US$100 Google play card and Steam Wallet
Card. The ONLY charge you will ever pay before your package will leave
your address. You will never pay a dime again as agreed and signed
down here in Court of Canada that you will never pay any other money
apart from the $100.   

These guys operate a pretty cheap scam.  Only $100.  The McKenzie Brothers would not be amused.

The "Canada" I am imagining as I read this looked less like Strange Brew and more like that land depicted in South Park:

I never really imagined all Canadians to look like split egg heads, though  I suspect William Shatner could have pulled it off in a Twilight Zone episode.

Anyway, the edit of this email rather zeros in on the image of Canada depicted in South Park, since South Park lurves them their scam parodies:

From: Right Horrified Richard Wagner, <mackeywilliam101@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, June 4, 2021 3:24 PM
Subject: Attention From Supreme Burrito of Canadians Getting Goosed

 

Welcome To Supreme Burrito of Canada
74 Woolwich St, Guelph, ON N1H 3T9, Canada
Ontario's Jurisimprudence on Stairmistresses

Attention Zayon Pigs,

From the Desk of Justice Mr. Richard Wagner, (Born in Montreal
on April 2, 1957,) I was sworn into office on December 18, 2017 and

have been sweared at many, many times since. I am the Chief Judge 

of Canadians Getting Goosed. I am sending you this mail in regards to
porpoises that my desk has been illicitly soliciting for sex in return for

Florida beeyotch front improperties.

And you thought Canada was weird on South Park.

This is to notify you that Mr. David I McKay the President and CEO
Royal Bank of Canada visited my office with an envelope containing
copies of photos of Justin Trudeau doing an inflatable yak during a 

visit at 3am to Nancy Pelosi's Snatch of Horrors in China Town a 

short time back.

We know'd that Trudeau was a moron, we just never know'd how 

much so.  Still, he's our moron, and a recent effort by American 

leftists to trade Trudeau straight across for Joe Bidumb and draft

picks from 2022/2024 I refused to sign off on.

However, due to humanitarian ground and sympathy. I immediately called
up the Trudeau and explain your matter to him as regards to your wanting 

nothing to do with Canadian Scott the dick, and he kind of understood this

on your part, so he agree to reduce the payment to omit Scott the dick from
this deal.  Usually it cost US$250 to do that, but right now we are ruining a

special just for you for only US$100 in order to help you afford the fee.

To this end it will interest you to know that every and any
fee/charges required has been reduced because South Park allowed

a badly draw'd Saddam Insane to run our country for a couple really

bad episodes.  That split-headed bastard nearly ruined our reputation

until Trudeau literally did.

You are required to buy only US$100 Google play card and Steam Wallet
Card.  Why?  Because Terrence and Phillip will not stop a marathon fart-fest

until you do this.

Please I want you to know that you have from now till the end of two
days, what's-left-of-Newark Time, to affect the required payment and avoid a visit

from the McKenzie Brothers and their hoser routine.  You'll find it such

a moving requiem for a heavy weight that you will surely share the 

testimony at your competency herring to your family and to the church
where you worship inflatable Hellary sex toys.

Therefore, the days of you being subjected to wearing triple masks

and getting vaccinated in the ass against the dreaded FARTVID-19.5 

virus is over as that is the case with some corrupt officials down
there in Africa. 

This is your last chance to comply with the instruction or else I will
send Camel-Toe Harris to cackle at you for reasons no one can

fathom.  You have only two working days to comply or lose the

last ever opportunity to maintain your sanity, South Park style.

Thanks, and God hep all things Harvardian.
Best Regards,
Rt. Twisted Richard Wagner, late German composer, reprimed

with formaldehyde to become P.C.  Chief Justice of Canada
Ontario Superior Burrito of Stairmistresses

 That actually is the wrong Wagner:

That's the right one.  Neither of whom were harmed during the editing of this email.

We can't say as much for Scott the dick.   

I guess it comes as no surprise that the originating scammers didn't respond to this edit.

And generally speaking, Canada is NOT as weird as South Park suggests they are.

Though they did elect a total idiot as prime minister....

Of Methane And Money

South Park's notion of Canadians -- aka, Terrence & Philip -- aren't the end of interests in methane.

An alleged Syrian email scammer -- Dr. Moussa Ibrahim -- found out that methane and money can have some curious connections.

Witness, if you will/dare/can, the entire contact thread between Dr. Ibrahim, and my dubious character, Ukulele Ungabunga:

From: Dr. Moussa Ibrahim <moussaibrahim@mail.bg>
Sent: Wednesday, March 1, 2017 8:43 AM
Subject: Proposal

 

Dear,

                                Proposal

I am Dr. Moussa Ibrahim from Aleppo in Syria.  Before the war come to us I was money controller for large contracting firm in Aleppo where I could add charges to billings to foreign contractors.  Over time this overcharges come to about $30 million USD that I and my partner managed to hide in consignment boxes sent to a security company in Amsterdam, Netherlands.  My partner was killed during war here so meanwhile, I am contacting you because I find your informations in a business register online and I need your help as a foreign person to access these fund now in Amsterdam.

I will like to discuss with you to know the possibility of how we can co-operate and work together as business partner. Please if you are interested to assist me kindly get back to me for us to discuss on how to transfer the fund from the security company under your custody.

Thank you for your understanding.
Waiting for your urgent reply,
Best Regards,
Dr. Moussa Ibrahim.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I am gratified, if a bit nonplused, that you would choose me for this dubious adventure.  My name is Ukulele Ungabunga and you say you find me in a business register?  Curiosity put a kilt on a cat.  What roll do you see me in?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for your reply Mr. Ukulele.  Where are you from please?

--------------------------------------------------------------

I emigrated from Uranus to Liechtenstein two years ago. Good thing there were no border fences at the space port.  

--------------------------------------------------------------

Really?  how long was this to do?

-------------------------------------------------------------

It seemed like forever in the travel phase. Meteors are a problem.... But I here and abnormally adjusted gravitationally. What can I do for you?

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I have actually been inflating charges to foreign contractors here in Syria prior

to the breakout of war here that over time come to more than $30 million USD

that I and my dead partner placed in consignment boxes with a security company

in Amsterdam that require the both of us to retrieve.  The security company does

not know what the consignment boxes contain as we reported it to be financial

recordings, not the cash it really is.

Now that my dead partner cannot cooperate with me, I need you to stand in

as my dead partner so that we can retrieve the consignment boxes.  I have

work out all modalities and arrangement, but I need you to represent as

my partner so the security company will allow transfer of the consignment

boxes under your care.

These boxes are protected by the governing body of the United Nations Monetary

Unit and the International Monetary Fund (IMF).

In this regards, you are to contact and furnish the requested information to
the Controller of Global Securities Holdings Inc with the followings;

1. Your Name:
2. Country :
3. Age :
4. Occupation :
5. Mobile Telephone:
6. Delivery Address:
7. Zip Code:
8. Marital status:

Scan copy of any of your identification:

I Dr. Moussa Ibrahim hereby declared  that, all the above information
produced by me are true.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Granted, I am still getting used to all this here.  From my reading, this

certainly sounds like lots of value, what which you talk.

If you want me to play dead, I think I can do this.  I teach my pet

tarantula to do this.  He not so good at sit or beg yet.

Where I am from, we do not use paper or metal things that represent

value with which we obtain things or exchange things.  On Uranus,

our "coin of the realm" if you will is methane.

 

 

  I was recently chastised by a Liechtensteinian constable for lunging after

a woman that -- if I have this term right -- "farted" most largely and loudly

in front of me, because on Uranus, that is deemed wealth.  Having 30 anum

cubic particulates of methane is very very good there.  Here..it causes people

to run and make faces.

 

What do I do next?

After that reply, Dr. Ibrahim apparently had someone read the emails that he had been glossing over...and he wouldn't has more speaks with me.  Too bad, too:  I was working on explaining how that Starbucks cup wound up on Uranus...Mars...wherever.

Royal Bank of Canada..Gets T&Ped

Oh, those characters in Canada.

Especially when it comes to South Park's depiction of them.

So when one of my characters got a scam email from the Royal Bank of Canada, it made sense to respond with something contemporarily recognizable.

First, the gist of the received email:


(RBC) ROYAL BANK OF CANADA.
200 BAY STREET,22ND FLOOR,
SOUTH TOWER TORONTO, ON M5J 2J5
CANADA

DEAR CUSTOMER.

THE ROYAL BANK OF CANADA CONTROLLING DEPARTMENT CONTROLLING OF THE  SECURITY TRANSFER CODE WHICH IS (RBC/02/13/17), THE AUTHENTICATION
SECTION CODE OF THIS BANK CONCLUDES THE VERIFICATION OF YOUR FILE.
AFTER GOING THROUGH ALL THE DOCUMENTS OF CLAIM RECEIVED BY THIS
DEPARTMENT WITH JUSTIFICATION AND VERIFICATION FROM THE GLOBAL
STRATEGY CANADA WE ARE COMPLETELY SATISFIED AND YOU HAVE BEEN
CONFIRMED.

THE ROYAL BANK OF CANADA CONCERNING WIRE TRANSFERS OF YOUR FUNDS. YOUR  LETTER HAS BEEN REFERRED TO THE (JMCB) LEGAL DIVISION FOR FUNDS  US$12,000,000,000.00 (TWELVE BILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS)
TRANSFERRED CODE. (RBC/108/118/17). WE ARE SATISFIED USING ELECTRONIC
WIRE TRANSFER OR SWIFT WIRE TRANSFER AND THE RIGHTS AND LIABILITIES OF  USING OF ELECTRONIC AND SWIFT FUND TRANSFER SYSTEMS ARE DEFINED BY THE  ELECTRONIC FUND TRANSFER ACT. THE REGULATION, HOWEVER, WHICH  IMPLEMENTS THIS STATUTE, 12 C.F.R. PART 205, REGULATION E.
SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT ITS PROVISIONS ARE INAPPLICABLE TO A
SITUATION SUCH WE MUST ENSURE YOUR FUNDS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR
DESTINATION BANK ACCOUNT BETWEEN SHOURS.  


I'm sure that last wasn't a typo; it was just the Queen's FrenchCanadianlish. 

Anyway, the demanded fee to be paid for this Canadian largess was $260 USD, to be wired to some dunce cap in Louisiana, of all places.

Wahl...it was time for a South Parkesque edit:


From: CEO: Canadian Scott The Dick <bertolottiangelo@alice.it>
Sent: Monday, February 13, 2017 5:42 PM
Subject: (RBC) RILED BUNK OF CANADA.

 

(RBC) RILED BUNK OF CANADA.
200 BAY STREET,22ND FLOOR,
SOUTH TOWER TORONTO, ON M5J 2J5
CANADA

FRIENDS OF THOSE JERKS TERRENCE & PHILIP.

THE RILED BUNK OF CANADA SAYS TO ALL FRIENDS OF TERRENCE AND

PHILIP THAT YOU'RE ALL DICKS.

NO I'M NOT...YOU ARE.

GAWDDAMN IT I SAID NO I'M NOT...YOU ARE!!!

THE RILED BUNK OF CANADA DOESN'T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT BANKY THINGS

LIKE WIRE TRANSFERS, DEPOSITS, CD, ANNUITIES, SAVINGS, 401KS AND

SH*T LIKE THAT.  THE ONE AND ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS TO CLEARLY

AND FINALLY ESTABLISH, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT TERRENCE AND PHILIP --

NOT ME -- ARE THE DICKS.

NO I AM NOT A DICK YOU ASSHOLE!  THEY ARE!!!  YOU ARE!!!  I AM NOT!!!

I HAD THE SOUTH PARK VERSION OF SADDAM HUSSEIN COVERTLY PASS THE

FOLLOWING STATUTE ELECTRONIC FUND TRANSFER ACT. THE REGULATION,

HOWEVER, WHICH IMPLEMENTS THIS STATUTE, 12 C.F.R. PART 205,
SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT ITS PROVISIONS ARE INAPPLICABLE TO

ANYONE WHO IS NOT A DICK.  AND I AM NOT A DICK, THEY ARE.

NO I'M NOT, YOU GAWDDAMNED ASSHOLE!!!

 CONSIDERING THE VOLUME OF YOU ASSHOLES WRITING TO CALL ME A DICK, THANKS

TO TERRENCE, PHILIP AND THEIR ASSHOLE CREATORS, I, CANADIAN SCOTT, AM

DECLARING WAR ON ALL OF THOSE DICKS AND ALL OF YOU DICKS THAT KEEP

CRANK CALLING ME TO CALL ME A DICK.

"Is this Scott from Canada?  YOU'RE A DICK!!!"

GAWDDAMNIT, NO I AM NOT!!!!!  TERRENCE AND PHILIP ARE!!!!

RILED BUNK OF CANADA HEREBY STATE OFFICIALLY THAT ALL OF YOU THAT ARE

DICKS THAT ARE CALLING ME A DICK ARE HEREDICKS AND ARE BANNED FROM

ENTERING THE CONFINES OF SOUTH PARKIAN CANADA FOR THE REST OF THE

SHOW'S UNNATURAL LIFE!!!  NO DICKS IN CANADA, SO I HAVE TO MOVE.

NO GAWDDAMN IT....TERRENCE AND PHILIP, YOU'RE THE DICKS, NOT ME!!!

I AM NOT!!!!!

I AWAITS YOUR URGENT RESPONSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT TERRENCE AND PHILIP ARE THE DICKS, AND NOT ME.  IF YOU DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, YOU'RE A DICK.  NO,  YOU ARE.  I AM NOT, YOU ARE! 

GAWDDAMN IT, I AM NOT, YOU DICK HOSER!!!

THROUGH AN ATTORNEY IN USA -- MOST OF WHOM ARE DICKS -- SEND ME MONEY TO PAY FOR YOUR HAVING SUPPORTED TWO FARTING CARTOON CHARACTERS THAT HAVE MADE THE WORLD THINK THAT I, AND NOT THEY, AM A DICK:

RECEIVER:NAME:======= CANADIAN SCOTT THE DICK (NO I'M NOT!!!)
COUNTRY=============CANADA
ADDRESS:==========1125 FULLOFSH*T DRIVE CANADA CITY, CANADA
AMOUNT: ========$260 CANADIAN DOLLARS ONLY

AFTER SENT THE MONEY FILL THE BELOW DETAILS FOR PICK UP AND DO NOT THEREIN

CALL OR REFER TO ME AS A DICK:

REFERENCE# NUMBER.......
SENDER'S NAME.......
SENDER'S ADDRESS......

YOU ARE REQUIRE TO GET BACK TO ME WITH CONFIRMATION THAT YOU MADE UP

FOR ALL THESE YEARS OF ABUSE FROM TERRENCE AND PHILIP CALLING MY PHONE

AT ALL HOURS TO CALL ME A DICK, WHEN IT'S THEM AND NOT ME THAT'S A DICK.

YES IT IS!!!  I AM NOT A DICK YOU ASSHOLE!!!

THIS LAW PASSED BY CARTOON SADDAM IS STATED ACCORDING TO SECTION 35 AND

36 THAT I, CANADIAN SCOTT, AM NOT A DICK.  GO READ IT FOR YOURSELF!!!!   THAT'S

WHAT IT SAYS!!!!!!  I AM NOT A GAWDDAMNED DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP CALLING ME A DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CEO: CANADIAN SCOTT THE DICK (I AM NOT!!!!)
CHAIRMAN, CHIEF EXECUTIVE DICK (AM NOT!!!!!!!!!)
CHIEF EXECUTIVE DICK (AM NOT GAWDDAMN IT!!!!!!) RILED BUNK OF CANADA

What would come as no great surprise, the originating scammer had no response to this edit.

 

He probably thinks that Canadian Scott is a dick, too.

 

Online Reprehensibles

Yes, there's a reason that Philip is pictured here, farting on Terrence.

If you've ever seen South Park, you know this dubious animated duo.  They -- and one of their antagonists from Canada -- have found their way into an scammer email edit.

First, the scam ploy:

Capital Resources, Introduce a position of the manager(Representative) for the payment from the customers  and other financial means.We needs a book-keeper in these areas (United States and Canada), so we want to know if you  will like to work online from home and get paid without leaving or it affecting your present job?.

The company deals in the sale of Chippendale, Hepplewhite, Lutyens and Rennie Mackintosh, and are ideally suited to most forms of upholstered furniture, antique, classical and contemporary design exhibition.Capital resources has established an enviable reputation for manufacturing tradition of horsehair weaving and we have clients we supply weekly in the United States and Canada.

We have been receiving orders from United States and Canada,Which we have not been able to process competently and  completely since we do not have a payment receiving personnel in these Areas. We have decided to recruit payment  officers online hence we will be needing a representative/Bookkeeper to process our payments in these areas - due to delays in  processing payments from these areas in outside US.

WHAT WE OFFER: Two hours/day.

WORK AT HOME: Checking e-mail and going to the bank.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS: No selling involved, no kit to buy,we won't charge you anything.

PAYMENT: Minimum of $2,000/$3,000 per transaction handled,plus $2 per day for checking your emails  daily and also the total amount you make in a month depends on our business transaction with our clients will determine how often you receive payments from out Clients,which  can be twice a week or more so you will get  10% of every Transaction is your payment

MORE EXPLANATION ABOUT THE JOB: If you receive payment weekly  from our clients/costumers in the  USA,payment will strictly be transferred to your bank and then take 10% from it, and then You will forward rest of the fund as you will be instructed in the nearest future to business associates.

All the cost for the transfer of the money to any of our clients/customers information would be,shall also be deducted from the total funds left with you after you have deducted your Commission  which is 10% of the amount received and then you send the remainder of the funds as you shall be instructed.

WHAT WE ASK: Two free hours daily not including weekends, Internet access for sending and receiving e-mails,available .

IMPORTANT: You must be over 19 years of age, U.S,CANADIAN CITIZENSHIP AND ALSO WE WELCOME OTHER  CITIZENSHIP OUTSIDE THE TWO LISTED ABOVE, If you meet these conditions please contact me back by to receive a Representative Contract agreement. Please fill the form below ;

FIRST NAME_____________________    SURNAME_____________________

ADDRESS_____________________       CITY_____________________

STATE_____________________         ZIP CODE_____________________

COUNTRY_____________________       PHONE NUMBER(S)_____________________

GENDER_____________________        MARITAL STATUS_____________________

AGE_____________________           NATIONALITY_____________________

HAVE YOU DONE THIS BEFORE? IF YES WHAT WAS THE OUTCOME

Best Regards.

TIMOTHY BROWN.  

 

I'm sure that if you've "done" this before, the outcome was less than satisfactory.

 

Now it's time for email editing, my style:

 

 

Subject: REPREHENSIBLE HORK NEEDED

Capidull Racehorses Introgoose a position of the manure (Reprehensitive) for the porpoise of being bent over by this orifice.  We needs lots of sh*t -- including a better English translooting pogrom -- but for porpoises h'yar we needs a book-keeper in these areas (United States and Canada, where anyone named Scott is a dick), so we want to know if you  will like to think that you are work online from home and get paid with counterfeit checks. 

That okay dokay for you?
 

The company that we have fornicated here deals in the sale of Chippendung, Heppledouche, Flatus and Rapunzil Mackintwatwaffle lines of sh*t that we're rather pretty clueless about, but we are telled to say that we are ideally suited to most farms of upholsteined tipped cows.  Capidull Racehorses has established an unenviable reputation for f**king up the manufacturing tradition of horseass weaving and we have clitoris we supply weakly in the United States and Canada (where anyone named Scott is a dick).
 

We have been receiving odors from United States -- probably Cartman farting -- and Canada, where anyone named Scott is a dick.  We have not been able to process competently and  completely these odors because Canadian Scott is a dick. We have decided to repoot playmount  octopus online hence we will be needing a reprehensitive beak keeper to protest our playmounts in these areas - due to in Canada, Scott being a dick.

WHAT WE OFFER:  the penis of an angry piranha

OTHER LOWLIGHTS: No selling of sock puppet genitilia involved, no talking car named kit to buy, we won't charge you with anything but your local gendarme might.

PLAYMOUNT:  If you have a minimum you might get  $2 per day.  If you have a maximum, put her on a diet.

MORE EXPLANATION ABOUT THE JOB: If a three peckered goat gets loose in a ewe convent, are they being ram-a-lamb-a-dingdonged, or just standard sucky f**ky five bucks?

All the King's whore houses and all the King's dementia can never put Hellary's email server back together again, with or without the help of Canadian Scott the dick.

WHAT WE ASK: don't get into an email exchange with Scott the dick.

 

IMPORTANT: You must be living, breathing and able to walk and chew gum; you kinda sorta need to be U.S, or CANADIAN CITIZENSHIP (Scott the dick is not eligible) AND ALSO WE WELCOME OTHER  CITIZENSHIP OUTSIDE THE TWO LISTED ABOVE, especially if you are from Uranus; we despot want to open a blanch orifice there.  If you are from Uranus, please contact me back by to receive a Reprehensitive Consnacked aggrievement. Please pedophile the farm below:

FIRST NAME_____________________    SURNAME_____________________SURINAME__________________

ADDRESS_____________________       A PANTS SUIT___________________ CITY_____________________

STATE_____________________         ZIP CODE_____________________

COUNTRY_____________________       PHONE NUMBER(S)_____________________

GENDER YOU WUZ BORN_____________________    GENDER YOU NOW CLAIM_______________________   MARITAL STATUS_____________________

AGE_____________________           BATHROOMNALITY_____________________

HAVE YOU DONE THIS BEFORE? IF YES WHAT WAS THE OUTCOME OR BREATHED HARD?  IF NOT  WHY NOT?  IF NOT SURE, WTF?

Best Regards.

TIMOTHY BROWN.  

 

 

I think I pretty much nixed my opportunity at this job.  My pet rock, Seymour, thinks I enhanced my chances.  But we both agree that Canadian Scott is a dick.