Sarah's Had It With That Crap

My character got an email from Sarah Connor.

No, probably not THAT Sarah Connor.  Nor me thinks did it come from the porn star of the same name.

This one had an entirely different take to her scam.

See h'yar:

Survey & Evaluator

We have a customer service survey assignment in your location and we will pay $317/Assignments. Which would come in the form of a cashiers check for you to perform your Assignments.   This is part time job and only need 30-40 minutes per assignment. The job Entails an Evaluation process such as visiting Wal-Mart / K-Mart,e.t. c. For more info please enter details :  __Name (first/last) :   __Address  : __Country, State, City, zip : __Phones (cell/home) : __Age & Sex : __Alternative email : __Occupation :   Thanks for being here with us. We will soon provide more information to your address.  Best Regards,   Sarah Connor SE. Networks Dept.   Now, this is how I last remember seeing Sarah Connor.  The Terminator movies were not her friend. *TOING* went the edit:   From: sarah.connor29@hum.ubu.es <sarah.connor29@hum.ubu.es> Sent: Thursday, January 19, 2017 3:07 AM To: Subject: Stopping Terminators With Flatulence                               Survey & Evaluate Flatulence Meant To Stop Time Traveling Terminators For Fun, Profit and Survival We have a problem with time traveling terminators coming back and trying to kill me and my spawn.    Three f**king movie sequels is about all of this sh*t I am prepared to take.  So I refuse to read another gawddamned script for another gawddamned sequel, and I want YOU to take it.  We will pay $317/Assignments. Which would come in the form of a cashiers check for you to perform your Assignments.   This is part time job and only need 30-40 minutes per assignment. The job Entails farts lethal enough to send time traveling terminators back to the 20-what-ever-the-f**k-Century they come from, begging the cyborgs NOT to send them back.  You'll be doing me a helluva favor by taking on this thankless task.  For more info please enter details :   __Name (first/last) :   __Address  : __Country, State, City, zip : __Phones (cell/home) : __Age & Sex : __Alternative email : __Just How BAD Is Your Flatulence :    Thanks for being the anal bad ass we're rather hoping you are. We will soon provide more information to your address.  Best Regards, Sarah Connor  Sick of the Terminator Series and the sh*t that goes widdit. Privy Policy | Customer Flatulence Support | Holy Sh*t That's Rank©2017 Farts That Stop Time Traveling Terminators Dead In Their Cyborg Time Leaps. All Rights Studiously Analyzed For Future Recriminations in small cramped spaces with no ventilation and public elevators.  Restrictions do apply.                                                        The email originating "Sarah Connor" was apparently overwhelmed by what we dun to her email, Ma. And that didn't help it one bit...

Melania Trump 'n Me

Not really.

But an email I recently received was meant to convince me that I had, in fact, heard from Mrs. Trump.  And with good news, too.

Witness if you will:


Mrs.Melania Trump rsensolini@alice.it wrote:

Bank of America Corporate Office Headquarters
100 N.Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 Our Ref:BOA/IRU/SFE/15.5/WD/011
United States of America
Monday-Friday
8 a.m.-9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT)
Saturday and Sunday
8 a.m.-4 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT) Email:williamsjones596@gmail.com

Dear esteemed customer,

The Management of the Bank of America Corporate Office Headquarters
here in 100 N.Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 wishes to inform you that
after a brief meeting held by the Bank executives yesterday,the 9
Day of January,2017 at precisely 8 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT),
we deem it appropriate to intimate you that your funds will be
transferred into the United States Treasury Account with the JP Morgan
Chase Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York according to the
record we got from Africa due to your inability to complete the
transaction and your failure to meet up with a minor payment
obligation.The actual transfer of your funds($15,500,000.00) into the
government account comes up next week.

This is in line with the instructions of the USA Treasurer,Mrs.Rosa
Gumataotao Rios that all unclaimed funds be paid into the United
States Government Treasury Account as unserviceable funds in
compliance to section 3 subsection 1(a) of the United States Financial
Law enacted in 2001 after an attack on our dear country on September
11,2001.

Find below the profile of the banking institution where your funds
will be transferred into following the government directive And note
to responds to us with below Email:williamsjones596@gmail.com
 
Name of Bank: JP Morgan Chase Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York.
JP Morgan Chase Official Bankers for the United States Treasury Department
AC NO: 68302345093
Routing NO:021109593
Account Name:United States Treasury Department,USA

Note that if you still wish to receive your funds do get back to us
immediately so that we will remove your funds transfer from the list
of those transactions to be seized by the United States
Government.Also be informed that we need only a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
SEAL OF TRANSFER(DIST) to complete the wire transfer.The fee to obtain
the SEAL was reduced from$600 to $100 and no other fee is involved.  


It went on for several more paragiraffes telling me to send the $100 to some gomer with piles in Benin to receive my $15.5 million USD.

Thank you, Melania.

Sadly, Melania didn't really send me that.  'She' sent it to one of my scambaiting characters.  And he -- politically incorrect snot that he is -- felt that an edited reply was necessary.  *Note to CIA:  no wiretaps were harmed during the course of editing this scam email from parties of dubious antecedence, probably comparable to that of the DNC*.    And with no foithah adieu:

From: Mrs:Melania Trump <rsensolini@alice.it>
Sent: Tuesday, March 14, 2017 10:44 PM
Subject: steemed 'n sautéed customer

 

Bank of Amurkitah Carport Office Hindquarters
100 Nevah Stop Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255
Our Ref:BOA/OMG/WTF/15.5/LOL/011
United States That Baggages Fees Are Poobah
Monday-Friday
8 a.m.-9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT)
Saturday and Sunday
8 a.m.-4 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT) Email:williamsjones596@gmail.com

Dear esteemed customer,

The Management of the Bank of Amurkitah Carport Office Hindquarters here

in 100 Nevah Stop Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 wishes to inform you that
after a brief meeting held by the Bank executives yesterday,the 9
Day of January,2017 at precisely 8 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT),
we deem it appropriate to let you know that we need a new f**king

calendar.

I mean, WTF...it's March 15 -- the Ides of March Madness -- and yesterday

was January 9th???

My elementary school chronology teacher would rupture a vaginal canal

over a gaffe like dat.

Since imitation is the highest form of flattening -- and it hasn't worked for

Rosie O'Donnell -- your funds will not be transferred into the USofA Treasury

Account with the JP Morgan Chasing Cute Hindquarters through traffic at

270 Park Avenue in New York because cabbies there are bat sh*t cray-cray.

Accordion to the record we got from the African band of Ukulele Ungabunga

and the Five Cannibal Douche Canoes, your inability to complete the
telepathic link up to a cosmic kumquat on Uranus has endangered the

entire gender reassignment of a herd of yaks in Dearborn, which was

supposed to have comes up next week.

This is in line with the bowel obstructions of the USA Treasurer,Mrs.Rosa
Gumataotao Rios, that all unclaimed funds be given a free burrito when

entering into the USA illegally as Syrian door knobs from Aleppo which

are knowd to be unserviceable and tend to blow up.  This has been

knowd pretty much since compliance to section 3 subsection 1(a) of the

United States Financial Law enacted in 2001 after an attack on an

inflatable Josie 'n the Puddy Tats by Michael Moore's bloviated

shadow.

Find below the pedophile lurking in the bank file room where your funds
are in danger of being molestated in accordance with the dictates of the

evil sammich Tuna Phish 'n The Twat Waffle Street Band.  If you have

questions about this -- and we have no doubt you will -- email us with

your incredulity at   williamsjones596@gmail.com
 
Now we have some non sequitur sh*t to disclaim here:

JP Morgan Chasing Cute Hindquarters into traffic at 270 Park Avenue in New York.
JP Morgan Chasing Cute Hindquarters is official perverts of the USA Monopoly

Monkey Department
AC NO: 68302345093
Routing NO:021109593
Account Name: USA Monopoly Monkey Department,USA (because we believe

in redundancy)

Note that if you still wish to receive a disheveled hamster that felched a

camel do get back to us immediately so that we will remove you from our

database and schedule you for a mental exam, you sick bastard.

 Also note in e-flat that only a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL that can

play horns and bark like a dawg for me when thrown anchovies
will successfully complete the sh*t this email is meant to start.  The fee to obtain
the SEAL was reduced from$600 to $100 because we couldn't find one

f**king idiot so stupid as to pay $600 for a dawg imitating seal that stinks

of bad fish and farts "I have an apple..I have a pen...I have an apple pen..UHHH"

in c-sharp.

You are required to send the fee of $100 by WESTERN UNION or MONEY
GRAM or JURASSIC AIR COURIER or by a pneumatic cannon with GPS

coordinatable targeting to the issuing officer at the bank where your

made up transaction originated as stated below:

DISINFORMATION
Receivers Name:Johnson Obata
Country :Benin Republic
City: Cotonou
AMOUNT to send: $100
Question.  Apple
Answer. Pen

Refrain:  Apple Pen

Climax:  UHHH
Sender's name:
MTCN or REFERENCE Number

The name of the city from where the money was sent

doesn't mean sh*t.  Just sayin.

If we receive the MTCN today,we will gladly pay you for a

hamburglar on Tuesday.  We will send you all the transfer documents,

close our internet café and declare a national holiday in Benin wherein

we cook and eat all the diplomats from Europe, America and Uranus.

 We have waited for so long and we cannot continue to wait.

We're hungry.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to give you the business.

More Cowbell,
Mr.Brian Moynihan(CEO)
Bank of Amurkitah®
Carport Office Hindquarters,Charlotte,N.C.
Bank of Amurkitah, N.A. Member FWTF.
© 2011 Bank of Amurkitah Carport. All rights in the hands of a

trigendered penguin named Opus
AR72768/DD6A66

 

The originating scammer had nothing further to say, and since no White House tweets were triggered by this, we know beyond all doubt that it wasn't Melania.

Rachal Madcow and the fake news sex organ cnn will no doubt seize on this.  Gesundheit when they do.

Seymour Has Another Go At Kim Jong Un

My pet rock hasn't done so well with his March Madness brackets.

But when it comes to baiting North Korean pudginator Kim Jong Un, Seymour is a master baiter.

"Yeah...uh...PHFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Which pretty much sums up the North Korean missile program.

But I digress.

Here's the latest edit by my "editing gone wild" pet rock of a story about Kim Jong Un and his Al Franken like behavior:


North Korea Has Another Successful FAIL In The Launch And Lunch Departments

By Seymour PetRock/WTFNS

North Korea fired a test missile Wednesday morning, employing it's own version of Common Core trajectoral math, with successfully failing results officials have confirmed.

"U.S. Pacific Command detected and was totally amused by what we assess was a failed North Korean missile launch attempt the morning of March 22 in Korea (12:49 p.m. Hawaii time) in the vicinity of Kalma," said a spokesman for U.S. Pacific Command. "A missile appears to have exploded within a house of ill repute favored by Dear Leader Kim Jong Un. We are working with our interagency partners on a more detailed assessment to determine how many of his inflatable girlfriends were harmed during the test."
 
South Korea's Ministry of Defense also confirmed that Kim Jong Un's lunch order to a McDonalds franchise in China failed, sending the Pudginator into an Al Franken-like tirade that lacked one pronouncible “L”.

The North Korean missile – manufactured by Acme Corporation – was launched near Kalma in eastern Wonsan province, where North Korea previously attempted to launch its first in a franchise series of McUn's One Pounders With Cheese Walk Thru restaurants. That site was previously destroyed by a North Korean test of its mobile-launched MuttDaPhuk intermediate-range ballistic missile.

U.S. officials said that activity was apparent in Wonsan indicating that another possible McUn's One Pounders With Cheese Walk Thru restaurant construction starts was likely.

Believed to have required a minimum order of at least 1,500 won for “rocar derivery”, the missile is of no concern to U.S. officials because “our McDonalds chains in the US know how to operate, and North Korea keeps blowing theirs up”.

North Korea has not had much success in testing their missiles or their McUn's One Pounders With Cheese Walk Thru restaurants: Seven of eight MuttDaPhuk launches last year were spectacular failures, destroying all seven under-construction restaurant sites. The eighth took out Kim Jong Un's inflatable whores house.

U.S. officials have still not made an assessment of what type of Mickie D knock offs and pathetic substitutions Kim Jong Un has in mind for his restaurant chain...if he ever manages to complete one of them without blowing them up.

In February, North Korea launched a new solid-fuel rocket that shot down an inflatable Kim Jong Un balloon meant to substitute for Cupid. That got considerable mirth during Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe's visit with President Donald Trump at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida.

The North Korean Valentine snafu drew snide comments from both leaders, and attention-grabbing photos soon appeared showing aides rolling on the floor in hysterics at the comedic routine worked out by the two leaders while they were at dinner.

In March, four North Korean inflatable Kim Jong Un as an immensely fat leprechaun traveled more than 6 miles, the upper limit of what North Korea has managed so far, deflating with very loud PHFFFFFFTs just off Wonsan. 
 
During a visit to South Korea last week, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson signaled a more amused and dismissive approach to North Korea's stand up comedy routines that they are inadvertently putting on while Dear Leader gained ten more pounds.

"All options are on the table," he said at a news conference, "including a Gong Show like *GONG* for every time they screw the pooch and act the part of Al Franken-like buffoons, which is just about daily," Tillerson snorted.

North Korea has stated that its goals to (a) get Kim Jong Un a leading role in a Team America World Police sequel (b) develop and successfully market a chain of McUn's One Pounders With Cheese Walk Thru restaurants all across Asia and in the basement of the DNC and (c) start a chain of inflatable sex toy shops featuring inflatable Hellary Clintons, Bela Pelosis, Fauxchahontas Warrens, Don Lemons and Shep Smiths to please and amuse Kim Jong Un during his “horiday excursions” is “on track and on schedule”, though just what “schedule” that is the North Koreans won't say.

An unofficial spokescat for the creators of Team America World Police – unofficially on loan from Bloom County – suggested that they are no closer to doing a sequel now than when the first movie was released. 

 
“Ack!”, or something like that, was the response to reporters questions, followed by a room clearing hairball of epic proportions.

I think that Seymour outdid hisself on this one.  Now only if he could pick a March Madness bracket.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Of Methane And Money

South Park's notion of Canadians -- aka, Terrence & Philip -- aren't the end of interests in methane.

An alleged Syrian email scammer -- Dr. Moussa Ibrahim -- found out that methane and money can have some curious connections.

Witness, if you will/dare/can, the entire contact thread between Dr. Ibrahim, and my dubious character, Ukulele Ungabunga:

From: Dr. Moussa Ibrahim <moussaibrahim@mail.bg>
Sent: Wednesday, March 1, 2017 8:43 AM
Subject: Proposal

 

Dear,

                                Proposal

I am Dr. Moussa Ibrahim from Aleppo in Syria.  Before the war come to us I was money controller for large contracting firm in Aleppo where I could add charges to billings to foreign contractors.  Over time this overcharges come to about $30 million USD that I and my partner managed to hide in consignment boxes sent to a security company in Amsterdam, Netherlands.  My partner was killed during war here so meanwhile, I am contacting you because I find your informations in a business register online and I need your help as a foreign person to access these fund now in Amsterdam.

I will like to discuss with you to know the possibility of how we can co-operate and work together as business partner. Please if you are interested to assist me kindly get back to me for us to discuss on how to transfer the fund from the security company under your custody.

Thank you for your understanding.
Waiting for your urgent reply,
Best Regards,
Dr. Moussa Ibrahim.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I am gratified, if a bit nonplused, that you would choose me for this dubious adventure.  My name is Ukulele Ungabunga and you say you find me in a business register?  Curiosity put a kilt on a cat.  What roll do you see me in?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for your reply Mr. Ukulele.  Where are you from please?

--------------------------------------------------------------

I emigrated from Uranus to Liechtenstein two years ago. Good thing there were no border fences at the space port.  

--------------------------------------------------------------

Really?  how long was this to do?

-------------------------------------------------------------

It seemed like forever in the travel phase. Meteors are a problem.... But I here and abnormally adjusted gravitationally. What can I do for you?

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I have actually been inflating charges to foreign contractors here in Syria prior

to the breakout of war here that over time come to more than $30 million USD

that I and my dead partner placed in consignment boxes with a security company

in Amsterdam that require the both of us to retrieve.  The security company does

not know what the consignment boxes contain as we reported it to be financial

recordings, not the cash it really is.

Now that my dead partner cannot cooperate with me, I need you to stand in

as my dead partner so that we can retrieve the consignment boxes.  I have

work out all modalities and arrangement, but I need you to represent as

my partner so the security company will allow transfer of the consignment

boxes under your care.

These boxes are protected by the governing body of the United Nations Monetary

Unit and the International Monetary Fund (IMF).

In this regards, you are to contact and furnish the requested information to
the Controller of Global Securities Holdings Inc with the followings;

1. Your Name:
2. Country :
3. Age :
4. Occupation :
5. Mobile Telephone:
6. Delivery Address:
7. Zip Code:
8. Marital status:

Scan copy of any of your identification:

I Dr. Moussa Ibrahim hereby declared  that, all the above information
produced by me are true.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Granted, I am still getting used to all this here.  From my reading, this

certainly sounds like lots of value, what which you talk.

If you want me to play dead, I think I can do this.  I teach my pet

tarantula to do this.  He not so good at sit or beg yet.

Where I am from, we do not use paper or metal things that represent

value with which we obtain things or exchange things.  On Uranus,

our "coin of the realm" if you will is methane.

 

 

  I was recently chastised by a Liechtensteinian constable for lunging after

a woman that -- if I have this term right -- "farted" most largely and loudly

in front of me, because on Uranus, that is deemed wealth.  Having 30 anum

cubic particulates of methane is very very good there.  Here..it causes people

to run and make faces.

 

What do I do next?

After that reply, Dr. Ibrahim apparently had someone read the emails that he had been glossing over...and he wouldn't has more speaks with me.  Too bad, too:  I was working on explaining how that Starbucks cup wound up on Uranus...Mars...wherever.

The Edit of Khan

Okay, that photo there would be the edit of con...or of a con.

Russia may be in love with hacking, but India is in love with offering online web page design to those not soliciting for it.

Why?  On accounta cuz:


I had found your web contact email from internet. I would like to discuss some importance of business as you have registered your own domain (which I haven't).

 

We are an India based CMMi Level 3 Website Designing & Development Company with a primary focus on Website and Mobile Application Development.

Offering the services like-

1 - Web Design

2 - Web Development

3 - E-Commerce

4 - Graphic Design

5 - Logo Design

6 - Website Revamping

7 - PHP               

8 - HTML/HTML5

9 - SEO Services

10 - PPC Services

11 - Java

12 - Mobile Apps Development

 

Our design team can work closely with you as part of your marketing staff and we can assure you - you won’t even notice we are in another country.

 

If you have any requirement, please revert us. 

Look forward to hear from you. 

 

Kind regards,

(Business Consultant)  

 

 

This isn't the first one of these my character has got, and I'm sure it won't be the last.  But it was the emailer's name that got me:  Akashi Khan Singh.

 

*TOING*

 

 

You just KNOWD what had to be the direction of the edit:

 

 

From: akash khan singh <akash.singh910@yahoo.in>
Sent: Friday, January 13, 2017 11:02 AM
Subject: More Eugenics Wars Khan Style

 

I had found your web contact email from internet after waking up from hibernation sleep that lasted 200 years. That would mean that I was carbon freezed in..uh...umm...1816, a year after the Battle of New Orleans.  Fortunately, it was a long time ago and a galaxy far, far away from here, otherwise I wouldn't know sh*t one about what I just said. 

 

With that, I come from a place far beyond the mesocyclones of commerce and trade, and I would like to discuss how Fisher Stevens got playing us so wrong in that movie he shared with cyborgs and Ally Sheedy's software.

 

 

But before that, it is well that you should know that your current website sucks, and of some importance is business as you have registered your own domain with romaine, so you should lettuce help you.

 

 

We are an Andromeda based CMMi Level 39 artificial intellectual sweetened Website that designs and develops cyber hacks of politicians while making it look like the Russians, Chinese, pekinese and other assordi and sundried raisins of dubious ediblecedence did it.  Here's some of the sh*t that we can do to your site, too:

1 - Web Dysentery

2 - Web Declination and Right/Left Add/Subtract

3 - E-Coli

4 - Graphic Demonstrations of Gestures In Traffic

5 - Rio Logo

6 - Webslight Revamping Reconstituting and Regurgitating

7 - PHP/OMG/WTF and LMAO      

 

         

8 - HTML and Why They Should Use Originally Designated Rest Rooms

9 - DEO..DEEEEEEO...Daylight come and we want go home

10 - PPC Services that PPC in your life that desperately needs it's PPC serviced

11 - Java:  The Evils Of Coffee And Why I Need More

12 - Mobile Apps, Mishaps And Lap Dance Devolutions In HR Departments

 

Our crap design team can work better without you any where around because we don't play well with others and we can assure you - you won’t even notice we from another galaxy, star system, dimension, planet, or the basement of the DNC, leaking all the hacked stuff to the Russians, Chinese, the fake news network cnn, etc.

 

If you have any requirement, please refrain and revamp hitherto revert us. 

Look forward to hear what reactions this email gets because we still practicing with your language from you. 

 

What Kind Of Regards We'd Hate To Say,

(Business Insultant)

 akash.singh910@yahoo.in

---

JE

So far, no follow up from the Indians, no hacks from the Russians and no comment from cnn.  I'm 3-0  ;-)

Wishful Things In Scamdumb

What might you think if you receive an email titled "social welfare"?

You might envisions lines of people like this, lined up outside a welfare office (like this one in Kaliforlornia).

You probably wouldn't expect it to go on to promise you $2.7 million USD.

This one did:

United Nations Social Welfare Organization
(U.N.S.W.O)

World Charity Welfare Union
261 Avenue, Bel ford Street Southwest
London SW1–SW10 United Kingdom.

  PAYMENT INFORMATION OF $2,700,000.00

Good day to you. You Have Won $2,700,000. The World Global Welfare
Organization Aid Nominated you as one of 2017 award winner.

This is to inform you that the United Bank have acknowledged your file
from United Nations Social Welfare Organization (U.N.S.W.O) to remit the
sum Two Million Seven Hundred Thousand US Dollars ( $2,700,000.00) only.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING:

The United Bank International have issued a bank Draft sum of
$2,700,000.00 in your favor, We have forwarded the draft to Airline that
will be coming to your country. Note that one of the airline attendant
will come to your the address you shall provide to do delivery of your
parcel to you.

Kindly Send Your full details
DELIVERY NAMES :
ADDRESS :
CITY :
STATE :
ZIP CODE :
COUNTRY :
ALL CELL # :
MARITAL STATUS :

Once your receive the package, you are therefore expected to take the
draft to you bank for cashing. Your bank shall verify the draft withing 2
working days and remit  total $2,700,000.00 to you by cash or to your
account. this payment method shall take minimum 3 days for you to receive
your fund.

Mr Charles
United Kingdom,
CONTACT NUMBER: (which was conveniently forgot)


My character wasn't quite sure what to do with this, so he just allowed a 'stream of consciousness' to overflow its banks in the edit:


From: Social Welfare <claimresouce@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2017 9:33 PM
Subject: Need A Medic Here

United Nations Piss Up A Rope Organization
(U.N.P.U.A.O.)

World Goat Chastity Bless Yore Heart Union
261 Avenue, Bel ford Street Southwest
London SW1–SW10 United Kingdom.

 PAYMENT INFORMATION OF $2,700,000.00

In antwort to your inquiring minds analogy, You Have Been Led To Believe That You Won $2,700,000. 

How it is that we come into such funds available for such blatant chicanery is really not difficult to
understand once the dynamics are explained:  we send out to the 16th Street Mall in Denver an
assordid collection of down on their duck looking souls, who beg and barter for change just like in
that South Park episode.

  One especially effective character of wind up antecedence was the foreign
looking organ grinder with the cymbals-banging monkey; at least until the left cymbal broke and fell
off, causing the monkey to repeatedly bash hisself in the face with the remaining cymbal until it
knocked him out.

The wind up PETA rep was not amused, especially as he kept falling over on the brickwork side walk
and getting stuck in the crevices.

At any rate, this is from whenst the funds being deceptively offered you were organically germinated.

 PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING:

The United Bank of Fawg International have issued a blank Draft  to which you add the sum of your
choosing in your favor, before trying to unsuccessfuly cash it at one of our off Piccadilly flop houses.
Note that one of the airline attendant will come to your the address whereupon she will take you
through the complete pre-flight demonstration of how to inflate your life vest stored hermetically
under your seat as protection from flatulent customers before and perhaps including you, in the
event of a water landing at sea, as a water landing in the desert is problematically less likely than
Hellary being president.

Oh whoops if that last was a trigger warning that caused you to foul yourself repeatedly.

Kindly Send Your full details
DELIVERY NAMES :
ADDRESS or PANTS :
CITY :
STATE :
ZIP CODE :
COUNTRY :
ALL CELL # :
MARITAL STATUS :
MARTIAL STATUS:
MARTIAN STATUS:
MARSUPIAL STATUS:

Once the full meaning of this missive has achieved cognitive recognition within
that which is left of your blighted mind after meth and sniffing glue with Lloyd
Bridges during the Airplane movie auditions, you are therefore expected to take the
unconscious monkey with one bent up cymbal to a place where it can be repaired
or at least replaced with a face palming Godzilla replica.

Your bank shall verify that they have no idea what any of this is about and will deny
knowing you or anyone that looks like you.  That generally won't take them more than
2 working days to tweet to cnn so they can have their fake news hounds Dan Rather and
Brian Williams misreport it and blame it on Russia, Fox News and a marmot in Summit
County.  

Mr Charles
United Kingdumb
CONTACT:   chairles112@gmail.com

The "social welfare" scammer didn't seem to see fit to follow up after an edit like that.

I wonder why...  

*GONG* Slow

If this were The Gong Show, John Moore would be on his way out.

Yet another scammer that doesn't read initial replies so good.

Here's what he sprung on me:

Bank of America Corporate Office

10950 Medlock Bridge Rd, Duluth, GA 30097

Email: boa733@outlook.com

 

OUR REF: BOA/GA/0861

 

Dear Beneficiary,

 

After a brief meeting held today by the Management of the Bank of America Corporate Office, We deem it appropriate to inform you that your fund is about to be transfer to United States Treasury Account as directed due to your inability to complete the transaction and your failure to meet up with a minor payment obligation. Your funds totally $950,000.00 will be transfer into the government account next week.

 

This follows the directives of the state Treasurer, Mr. Steve McCoy that all unclaimed fund be transfer to the States Treasury Account in compliance to section 3, subsection 1(B) of the United States Financial Law enacted in 2001 after an attack on our dear country on September 11, 2001.

 

However, you have one last opportunity to receive your funds if you are ready to follow our instruction. Get back to us immediately so that we will remove your funds from the list of those funds to be seize by the Government that next week. Be inform that for your fund to be transfer to you, you only need to validate your fund file with the government of Benin Republic (fund originated country). You need only a file validation fee of $98 to the Benin ministry of finance to validate your fund file.

 

Once your fund file is validate, we will take over the transaction and I Mr. John B. Moore personal promise to oversee and ensure that your fund is appropriately transfer to you immediately. Mind you it is ONLY $98 that you are required to pay and no other fee is involve. mark my word. I will write to the Benin Republic  authority to know where you will send them the required file validation fee of $98 as soon as I had the go ahead order from you.

 

For your information, you have only five (5) working days to comply with the above order or your fund will be transfer to Treasury Account. We are waiting to hear from you as soon as possible.

 

Thanks for giving us the opportunity to serve your banking need.

 

Yours faithfully,

Mr. John B. Moore

Regional Director B.O.A Georgia

10950 Medlock Bridge Rd, Duluth, GA 30097  

 

Yea, Bank of America is going to be urging me to send $98 to some yutz in Benin.

 

At any rate, the email had been titled "Your Last Notification".  My response keyed on that:

 

 

I hope it's the last.  But I doubt it.  

 

That was enough for John Boy...to misinterpret:

 

We received your mail and we are glad to inform you that your fund valued $950,000.00 has just be removed from the list of those fund to be seize by the Government that next week. Also be inform that all is now ready for the release of your fund to you once we confirm $98 file validation payment from you. 

From information in my desk, You are to send the file validation fee of $98 to the Benin republic ministry of finance through Money-Gram or Western Union to below information.

Name.................................Alex Okey

Address/city.....................Porto-Novo

Country.............................Benin

Text question ...................When

Text Answer ....................Now

amount...........................$98.00

MTCN.................................

Send us the payment information once you make the payment for onward forward to the Benin republic authorities. As I stated in my previous mail to you, Once your fund file is validated, I Mr. John B. Moore personal promise to oversee and ensure that your fund is release to you immediately. mark my word. 

 

Thanks for giving us the opportunity to serve your banking need.

 

Sincerely, 

Mr. John B. Moore

Regional Director B.O.A Georgia

10950 Medlock Bridge Rd, Duluth, GA 30097  

 

 

Only $98?  Cheap bastage.  At any rate, it was time to channel my pet rock, Seymour, and go "minerals gone wild" in reply:

 

 

 To:  the alleged

Mr. John B. Moore

Regional Director B.O.A Georgia

10950 Medlock Bridge Rd, Duluth, GA 30097

 

I am so happy to see that your inability at comprehension has not changed over the years.

You're quite an online showperson:  you've contacted me many times over the years.  You've been a Somali refugee in a Senegal refugee camp.  You've been a foreign remittance and exchange manager for the Bank of Africa and Central Bank of Nigeria.  You've been a 21 year old Benin woman looking for succor and someone to perform it on.  You've been a South African bannister seeking clients.  You've been a Nigerian Illuminipplehead.  You've been a deposed Libyan dictator's illegitimate daughter's emu. 

 

 

You've been Mrs Mariam Abacha. 

 

You've even been Marowa Ayelolo, spell caster and promised that I would be dead before the end of 2015 because I made fun of you and your "magical powers".

 

Still here, Bunky.

Bottom line...you've been many things, and an abysmal *FAIL* at every one of them.

For your next role, I would suggest that you be the Billy Dale of West Africa, and do TV infomercials about bringing back The Gong Show and digging up all the deceased show originals to be on it; what's left of Chuck Barris can wear the silly hat and shuffle foot around the stage all coked up.

 

All the while ,you'll be running a Robert Tipton "Pastor Gas" telefon scam in the background.

 

You would have lots of peers and colleagues who would gleefully be contestants on the show, wearing fish on their heads and holding up signs proclaiming their abject stupidity.

 

You might even get Don Rickles to roast you.  Of course, he'd do it more figuratively than your neighbors.

 

Be sure to invite HON mark smith, aka Frank Godwin at frankgodwin@textnow.me; he's particularly stupid and gongable, and will even make Chuck Barris throw up.

 

Get back to me with more details of your scam, since you probably won't read this worth a sh*t.

 

Retired late actor & entremanure  

 

A short period of *Jeopardy Theme Music*, followed by:

 

 

I am no those people jerk.  Never write again.  

 

Thank you.  I most certainly will...and often.  

 

 

Don Rickles would maybe approve.  And give me a cookie before calling me a hockey puck and sending me away...