Seymour Strikes Again

Not if it's like Moochelle's school lunches.

Then again, Kim Jong Un just might.

My pet rock, Seymour, saw a story that indicated that the goofball North Koreans were feeling slighted in the news cycle, and thus were letting the world know that they were preparing a launch of some kind.

Seymour didn't need but a nanosecond for the *TOING* to trigger an edit of that one:

N.Korea apparently readying 'some kind of lunch': US officials fear it'll be as bad as Moochelle's school lunch menus

By Seymour PetRock WTF News Soivice 

Washington (WTFNS) - North Korea appears to be readying some kind of lunch, two US defense officials said Thursday, amid concerns Pyongyang is preparing to test a ballistic soup and salad combo in violation of UN Security Council rules on international fast food.

The officials' comments came after Japanese media reported that satellite images showed Godzilla dining on residents of Wonsan.

"The indications are that they are preparing for some kind of lunch," one US official told WTFNS, speaking on condition of culinary anonymity.

The official did not say where in North Korea the preparations were taking place, but said people on the ground appeared to be readying "a regular afternoon lunch spread."

"Could be for something Western that Kim Jong Un craves," the official said.

He added, however, that there was nothing to indicate the lunch was "remotely akin to Moochelle's lousy school lunch menus."

But a second US official, who said the lunch was coming "soon," cautioned that North Korea typically uses a new lunch menu item as a pretext for convincing the people that they're finally going to get fed.

"Our concern is that when they do a lunch, it happens to be the same crap that our fast food chains just axed because it sucked, like Moochelle's school lunch program," the official added, also requiring anonymity.

The development parallels events in December 2012, when Pyongyang put a kimshi lite – with a third less calories than their regular kimshi – into McKimJongUn restaurants around Pyongyang.

The international community condemned the lunch as a disguised Moochelle school lunch, resulting in a tightening of UN sanctions, despite Pyongyang's claim it was no different than Bill Clinton using female interns as genital humidors.

Citing an anonymous government source, Kimono News in Dearborn said the satellite imagery had been eaten by Godzilla along with the population of Wonsan.

Increased movements of people that had sampled the new lunch and couldn't digest it were seen around the lunch site, which has now apparently been covered over to cover the fact that the only flushing toilet in North Korea is inoperative.

The United States regularly monitors North Korea from space, where the kimshi doesn't smell as bad as Moochelle's school lunches that are closer to home, do.

North Korea is banned under toothless UN Security Council resolutions from carrying out any lunch using Moochelle's sucky school lunch menu, although repeated violations have gone unpunished.

 

Seymour still thinks that edits like this will get him a Pulitzer.  I hate to tell him, but it MIGHT just get him a Moochelle school lunch as pictured above.

 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

 



Generally Speaking -- II

General Patton wasn't one to be putting anyone on.

Except in MAD Magazine.

Once again, one of my characters got themselves an email from a general.  A lieutenant general.

From Nigeria.

Uh huh.

Here's -- in Kelly's Heroes lingo -- where he puts on the clean uniforms and the ties that get to ride the trucks into the town and make their pitch:


OFFICE OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER

TO THE PRESIDENT FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

GET BACK TO ME AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVINIENCE

 

Attention,

 

I am Lt. Gen. Peter Olu, National Security Adviser to the New President Gen. Muhammadu Buhari, GCFR Federal Republic of Nigeria. I decided to contact you because of the prevailing security report reaching my office and the intense nature of policy in Nigeria. This is to inform you about our plan to send your fund to you via cash delivery. This system will be easier for you and for us. We are going to send your contract part payment of US5.2 Million to you via diplomatic courier service.

Note: The money is coming on two security proof boxes. The boxes are sealed with synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine. This fund was brought to us from America; it was meant for our Local AFEM market. But since the money was not used, I will use my position as the National Security Adviser to the President to send this fund to you.

The boxes are coming with a Diplomatic agent who will accompany the boxes to your house address. All you need to do now is to send to me

 

1. Full Name: .........

2. Telephone Numbers: ...........

3. Your Age: ........

4. Your Sex: ...........

5. Your Occupation: ............

6. Your Country: ............

7. City: ...........

8. Your Home Address: ................

9. Marital Status: ................

10.Your identity such as, international passport or driver license........................

 

The Diplomatic attached will travel with it. He will call you immediately he arrives your airport. I hope you understand me.

I will let you know by the special grace of God when the boxes are airlifted.

 

Note: The diplomatic does not know the original contents of the boxes. What l declared to them as the contents is Sensitive Photographic Film Material. I did not declare money to them please. If they call you and ask you the contents please tell them the same thing Ok, I will let you know how far I have gone with the arrangement. I will secure the Diplomatic immunity clearance certificate that will be tagged on the boxes to make it stand as a diplomatic consignment.

This clearance will make it pass every custom checkpoint all over the world without hitch. Confirm the receipt of this message and send the requirements to me immediately you receive this message. If you need more information about this, I will give you the details how to contact the diplomat for more information on how to carry out the plan.

I need you response because the boxes are schedule to leave as soon as we hear from you. Reply me immediately you receive this message via Email (olup9580@gmail.com ) Call me on my direct PH/FAX: ( 234-7011830698:Fax:234-12270511)

Best Regards,

Lt. Gen. Peter Olu  

 

 

So convincing.  My character initially replied to this thus:

 

No crapinola????  You're a REAL general?  I'll be go to fart and sh** instead.  How come I'm eligible for $5.2 million?  

 

 

That reply did NOT get my character any further repartee with da General.

 

Okay, fine:  it'sssssssssssssssssssssssssss  EDIT time:

 

 

ORIFICE OF THE NATIONAL SUCKURITY ADVISER

TO THE PATHETIC PRESIDENT FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

GET BACK TO ME NOW YOU PANSY-ASSED JACKWAGON

 

Stand At Attention You Suck Egg Mule: 

I am Lt. Gen. Peter Olu, National Suckurity Adviser to the New President Gen. Muhammadu Buhari Goatpoker, GCFR Federal Republic of Nigeria. I decided to contact you because of the prevailing suckurity report reaching my orifice and the intense nature of policy clusterf**ks in Nigeria. This is to inform you about our plan to send 25,000 mechanized gazelle around your flank and overrun you in place, candyass.  This system will be easier than you think, since your twatwaffle of a fauxtus is as inept as any world leader has ever been.

Note: don't piss off our gazelle division.  They are special farces trained and know all the latest in covert opps.  I trained them personally.

After the gazelle division has run your flank and taken over your capital -- and bent over ol' Horseface, since these gazelle are trained to think like Somali pirates with four legs and gazelle genitalia -- they will hunt you down and bend you over like an intern auditioning to be Bill Clinton's next genital humidor.  You personally can avoid that treatment and all you need to do now is to send to me

 

1. Full Name: .........

2. Telephone Numbers: ...........

3. Your Age: ........

4. Your Sex: ...........

5. Your Sexual Preference when being raped by a gazelle ............

6. Your Country: ............

7. City: ...........

8. Your Home Address: ................

9. Marital Status: ................

10.Your identity such as, international passport or driver license........................ 

Note: The diplomatic that we are sending to negotiate your surrender to our gazelle division does not know just how nasty our special farces/special opps trained gazelle are.  What l declared to him was simply follow his f**king orders and negotiate your surrender. I did not declare to him that he will be the sex toy of all those horny gazelle if they fail to overrun your capital.  If they call you and ask you "WTF?", you are to tell them the same thing Ok, I will let you know how far I have gone with the arrangement. I will secure the Diplomatic immunity clearance certificate that will be tagged on the boxes to make it stand as a diplomatic consignment.

 

This clearance Clarence will roger over, huh?  Yes, I saw Airplane too.  One occasionally manages to fly over our country from time to time, without crashing.  Confirm the receipt of this message and send the requirements to me immediately you receive this message. If you need more information about this, f**k off; I will tell you what you need to know when the f**k you need to know it, Ass Face.  

 

 Reply me immediately you receive this message via Email (olup9580@gmail.com ) Call me on my direct PH/FAX: ( 234-7011830698:Fax:234-12270511).  That's an ORDER.

At Ease,

Lt. Gen. Peter Olu

Apparently, I made the edit sound too much like Patton for the scammer to be able to respond to.

 

You don't reckon that, like Pinkly in The Dirty Dozen, he really AIN'T a general now, do ya?

Lost in Translation Again

Two clowns, doing what they did best.

In English.

I get clowns from overseas that do what they do lousily...in English and other languages.

Like this silly sot:

İyi günler

Ben de sizinle başka bir şey umut? Gerçeğini değil nedeniyle için uygulanan kredi ile ilgili işitmek--dan sen. Eğer hala ya da değil bu kredi fonları ihtiyacın olursa biz için bilinen ister misin? Çünkü biz sizin kredi ile Mevduat Bankası, ucundan gecikmeler ile rahat değil.

Bir tepki senden sonraki 24 saat içinde tabi veya değil uygulanan kredi olması durumunda bir etki ile iptal edin.

Lütfen hiçbir tepki sizden 24/sa sonra sizin kredi iptal senin verilmeksizin derhal çünkü olacaktır yanıt vermek için cesur olun.

İçtenlikle


He claimed to be Bob Williams, offering me an online loan.  In Turkish.  Here's the English translation:

Good day

I hope you anything else? Apply for credit because not heard about the fact that - from you. If you still need that loan funds or not you want to known we? Because we Deposit Bank with your credit, tip not comfortable with the delays.

In case it later needed a response within 24 hours or cancel the credit is not applied to be an impact.

Please no response from you a 24 / h without you then your loan will be canceled because it is brave to respond immediately.

Sincerely

Convincing as hell, that is.  So I fired up teh Gooble translator, and replied thus...in Turkish:

Gudt tr abend,

Sen bir gecede da tuvalet kolu üzerindeki diş etleri gevşek lezzet çiğneme değer vermezler?

Senin saksı bitki işemek sizin tofu mu?

Kabız matematikçi, bir kalem ya da bir manivela çubuğu ile dışarı çalışıyor mu?

Eğer bir kredi ihtiyacınız varsa, bir kırdı dick bab veya fil genital sahip bir pirana için geçerli olacaktır?

Sadece o hala Bruce olduğunu öğrenmek için iyi bu soruları düşünmek ve neyi Kapı Sayısı 2 arkasında sen Caitlyn Jenner ile bir tarihte gitmeden önce.

kemiksiz nachos

What the gibberish actually said:

Gudt en abend,

Doth thou chewing gums loose it flavor on da toilet handle overnight?  Does your potted plant pee in your tofu?

Does the constipated mathematician work it out with a pencil or a pry bar?

If you need a loan, would you apply to a broke dick dawg or a piranha endowed with elephant genitals?

Ponder well these questions and what's behind Door Number 2 before you go out on a date with Caitlyn Jenner only to find out that she is still Bruce.

Boneless nachos,
Bob Williams
Turkish pervert  

I didn't get a reply from ol' Bob...but I imagine the 50 plus scammers I forwarded this to have some questions for him...

The Pet Rock Executes An Edit

My pet rock, Seymour, loves editing.

He especially loves editing North Korean despot Kim Jong Un.

So when Seymour saw that "Dear Leader" had executed another of his top aides, Seymour was all over it in true pet rock 'edit' style:



Kim Jong Un Executes Top Military Chief, This Time Using Hellary To Do It

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un continues executing members of his inner circle in ways so exotic one marvels at how he comes up with these methods.

The latest reported execution – see what I just did there? – of Ri Yong Gil, chief of the North Korean military’s general staff, is by the most heinous method yet. He was executed by “pernicious mind f**k”, according to South Korean anonymous sources: he was forced to endure looped audio of Hellary Clinton speech shrieking while viewing her in a 5x thong.

Details about North Korea’s government are notoriously hard to obtain, but South Korean sources say that Ri’s execution and the particularly gruesome manner of carrying it out was part of Kim’s effort to strengthen his probability of South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone making a Team America World Police sequel starring hisself.
 
It’s also believed that Ri was facing charges for abusing his power by farting during a Kim Jong Un speech to “Feel the Bern” college zombies at KnockWurst Liberal Arts College in Whackadoodle, CA, shortly before his execution.

Ri, who took up the top military job with considerable trepidation in 2013, was considered to be one of Kim’s next targets for exotic execution, as he frequently accompanied the leader on tours of army units and factories, knowing that one faux pas would “get 'er done”.

Unnecessary speculation arose around his coming fate after he missed two key national events in North Korea - a meeting of senior flush toilet technician officials, and a rally to urge Parker/Stone to make that damned sequel for Kim Jong Un so he might increase the starving population's rice ration to 1,000 calories a day.

During the senior flush toilet technician meeting, Kim called for a single minded effort on the part of all of North Korea to double the number of flush toilets in Pyongyang to 2.

Last July, South Korea’s intelligence service said that at least 70 North Korean officials have been executed by increasingly unusual and exotic means since Kim’s inauguration of Warner Brothers-style Loony Toons executions in 2011.

Before Ri’s death, 69 others were dispatched by a plethora of unusual and exceptionally cruel means, including being eaten by hungry dogs, an anti-aircraft gun, or having to meet with Jimmy Carter. Future methods may include being forced to stare at a Medusa-like photo of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, or having to watch the entire collection of Kardashian reality TV shows.

Outside experts say that the increasingly brutal methods of execution indicate that the young leader is a real prick.

I don't think that Seymour cares any more whether he eventually garners a Pulitzer for these edits or not.  I think he's hoping for a cameo when Parker/Stone finally cave and do that Team America sequel.

"Am NOT!!!"

The Empire Strikes Out...Again

Perhaps after this edit, Miki Williams might think about it, too.

We'll keep this simple...here's the opening gambit of a scammer intent on getting something for nothing, like so many obola voters out there:

Attention.!! 

HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO RECEIVE YOUR FUNDS?

 

I 'm contacting you by your email however, I feel it's best and more convenient for me to explain why I am contacting you.

I'm Mr. Miki Williams a United States Special investigator, I work hand in hand with the United States Fraud Unit of the Criminal Investigation Division (CID).

I'm specialize in Background Investigations on funds which include [COMPENSATION/INHERITANCE FUNDS OR NEXT OF KIN, Consignment Box, Lotto® JACKPOT, LOANS] and I notice that you have being receiving numerous emails from people who claims to have funds coming to you but I advise that if you're still in communication with any of them on issue of funds however, you're hereby advise to stop every communication right now because those people has being investigated and confirmed to be a Fraud.

I wish to announce our successful investigation which was carried out few days ago; I guess it will interest you to know why this investigation was conducted.

For your information,  it was truly confirmed that you have 100% Legitimate unpaid transaction and you have every right to claim this funds as you're been confirmed to be the right Beneficiary of the said amount $3 Million usd COMPENSATION/INHERITANCE FUNDS OR NEXT OF KIN however, Due to the delay of getting this funds to you, your funds has now been increased to $5.5 Million United State Dollars approved for payment by International Monetary Fund (IMF) here in United States.

 I'm informing you this today because I came to notice that you're not communicating with a legitimate person who is in charge of getting these funds to you.

This announcement has to be made open to you however because you may have being swindled by those unscrupulous people whom you have sent money in the course of getting one fund or the other which is not real and for this reason, I have decided  to help  you get your funds directly from the International Monetary Fund (IMF) here in United States because your Legitimate funds remains unpaid.

I want to know if you're interested in receiving your unpaid legitimate funds value $5.5 Million usd however, I will only be of help if you agreed to follow my instructions.

If you're really interested in receiving your unpaid $5.5 Million USD, I advise that you get back to me immediately. All I need is your cooperation and understanding.  

 

 

..and my gullibility AND my fee payment.

 

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*  Or, as my pet rock or Bill the Cat would respond, "PHFFFFFFT!!"

 

Thus, the scammer received this edit of his email, along with a large number of his colleagues, peers, and sycophants in the DNC:

 

 

On Friday, January 15, 2016 10:46 AM, Mr. Miki Williams <officefbi1000@gmail.com> fouled his/herself repeatedly after having wrote:

Attention.!! 

HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO RECEIVE YOUR EWOK GENITALS?

 

I 'm contacting you by your email however, I feel it's best and more convenient for me to explain why I am contacting you.

I'm Mr. Miki Williams a United Federation of Planets & Vegetables Special incestigator, I work hand in crotch with the United Federation of Planets & Vegetables Fraud Unit of the Criminal Incestigation Division (CID).  I'm specialize in Background Incestigations of cousins from Uranus, Ouranus, Anyanus, and the Evil Galactic Empire darksided by Darth Vader and his silly wife, Elle.  

I wish to announce our successful incestigation which was carried out few days ago; I did my cousin It, and now we're expecting hairballs this fall.  I can only imagine that it will interest you to know why this incestigation was conducted.

For your information,  it was because I didn't want to do the space goats of Alpha Centuri III.  They bite.  And fart.

 I'm informing you this today because I came to notice that you're not communicating with an alien cousin disguised as a tampon that is in charge of getting these ewok genitals to you.

This announcement has to be made open to you however because you may have being swindled by those unscrupulous dildo people from Cucumbus IV, I have decided  to help  you get your ewok genitals directly from the Interplanetary & Vegetable Cosmic Meadow Muffin Fund (IVCMMF) here in this solar system because your Legitimate ewok genitals remains attached to an ewok on a forest moon and the little bastard also bites.  And farts.  And apparently got its hands on some Evil Galactic Empire blasters. 

Little pricks.

I want to know if you're interested in receiving your undelivered ewok genitals, or would opt for what's behind Door Number 2.  I will only be of help if you agreed to follow my instructions.  Jar Jar Binks didn't, and now he's Debbie Wasserman Sluts, and has a Medusa hairdo.

The ewoks are better.

If you're really interested in receiving what you gots coming from h'yah, to where you is th'yah, I advise that you get back to me immediately via Bella Oxmyx. All I need is your cooperation and understanding.  And your Fallopian hamsters.

 

Please you can contact me back on my email by clicking your Reply.

 

Regard

Mr. Miki Williams

United Federation of Planets & Vegetables Special incestigator

Show original message

Contact by text only +18142301060

============================== ============================== =====

This message was verified by antienema twister system and believed to be out of danger of flying monkeys and green tinged hellarys on brooms.  Keep a bucket of water handy just in case one runs for president in your necks of the weirds.  

 

The scammer(s) have yet to digest and process this response.  My pet rock did get an email from a storm trooper at Priceline.com...

 

"Who's that???"

 

Someone please enlighten Seymour....

Badda Bing

My pet rock, Seymour, thought that it'd be funny to post for me on the eve of Valentine's Day.

The day after, my pet rock could be on his way to Burntimore via UPS....

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

Badda boom.

Anudda Spell Caster FAIL

Well whaddaya know?  2016 found one of my characters receiving yet anuddah offer from anuddah spell caster.

*Yawn*

My pet rock, Seymour, immediately went into hiding, not wanting to be turned into something...anything...inadvertently.

Looks like my character would have the spell caster to hisself.

Here's the latest in a line of spell caster scammers:

Complement of the day
 
Hello Good day,   I'm Dr voodani coastal a strong spiritual spell
caster and a solution solver,so do you want to have unlimited wealth?
fame or want to solve you love problems? worry no more because i am
specialized in solving people  marital problems, financial problems,
and spiritual problems round the world and i put smile on my people
faces. as you all know I'm a man of  short words if you have problems
you need to solve i would like you to visit
voodanispelltemple@facebook.com  or email:voodanispellhelp@gmail.com.
You must have heard of me? i have lot of person's who have testify
about my miraculous work in their lives, below are names and email
addresses  of some of the people i have helped if you are in a doubt
or you wish knowing more better your self.
 
1) gunther sabrina from  Germany divorced for barring for 15 years
without any issue but the moment she had the fate and explain to me
less than a week she conceived today she's a mother of 4 kids, she's
still grateful till date. her email (gunthersabrina@outlook.com)
 
2)Fredrick bryan from united states California, he was diagnosed with
cancer, after explaining things to me and letting me know what he had
gone through for years, because of he's illness he lost he's wife and
kids but today they are one big happy family, because he had the fate
and believe i would help him. email (fredrickbryan23@gmail.com)
 
3)william gilbert from tennesse united sate of america,he's having a
company and everything went astrey lots of problems were coming he's
way and he almost shutdown the company because of lack of funds and
customers petronizing him, he called me for help and the ancient blue
spirit looked into he's problem and he bacame wealthy and the company
was more equiped and lots of client started giving him contract,
(william_gilbert011@mail.com)
 
 There are countless number of person's i have helped solve their problems.
 
I also specializes on the followings below:
 
(1) If you want your ex back.
 
(2) If you want to be promoted in your office.
 
(3) If you want a child.
 
(4) If you want to be rich.
 
(5) if you have any sickness like ( H I V/AIDS ),(CANCER) or any sickness.
 
(6)If you want a woman to love you more than anything in the world
 
(7)If you want fame and be more popular than ever.
 
There are lots of others that where not listed, i want you to know
that there is no problem too big for the great ancient blue UGIEHKA
can not handdle.
 
once again make sure you contact me if you have any problem i will
help you. email me on (voodanispellhelp@gmail.com}   

 

A spell caster that posts testimonials...that's a new one.

 

No matter...my character is ready for (almost) anything with this edit:

 

 

Condiment of the day:  asparagus spit
 
Hello Good day, I'm Dr Voodani Coastal, a Third World delusional sorcerer that frankly sucks ass as I can't even turn gas into a fart without sh*tting myself.

 
Nonetheless, I must market myself as a strong spiritual spell caster and a solution solver, so do you want to have unlimited wealth?  If you didn't buy a winning Powerball ticket, you dun missed that train leaving the station, Bunkey.

Do you want to solve you love problems? worry no more because i am the owner of a large herd of very frisky goats.
 
As you all know I'm a man of short, misspelled and frequently misused words so if you have pogroms you need to solvent i would like eat you while you visitvoodanispelltemple@facebook.com or email: voodanispellhelp@gmail.com.

You must have heard of me? i am the smell caster that reinflate Hellary Clinton's sex toys while she trying to be shoved into her XXXXL pant suits.  I design email server that she conceal in that ass to hide it from Trey Gowdy.
>
Here now are three peoples of dubious antecedence that ask me to turn them into unique sexual performers, and with a badda bing badda boom, hocus pocus and ally ally whoopsie doodle dagnabbit, I gave them all piranha genitals.  Don't believe me?  Ask 'em yourself: 
 gunthersabrina@outlook.com
fredrickbryan23@gmail.com
william_gilbert011@mail.com
>
> There are countless number of person's i have done this to and I can do it to you too!

>
> I also specializes on the followings below:
>
> (1) If you want your ex back, you really deserve piranha genitals.
>
> (2) If you want to be a viral video on a porn site.
>
> (3) If you want to have sex with orthipods.
>
> (4) If you want to look like Michael Moore's ass.
>
> (5) if you have any constipated mathematicians that worked it out with a pencil and still have THAT pencil.
>
> (6)If you want a orthopedic goat to love you more than anything in the world
>
> (7)If you want to face plant in a turd pie.
>
> There are lots of others that where not listed, i want you to know that there is no problem too big for the great ancient blue UGIEHKA UNGA BUNGA OOGA BOOGA ANAL POLYP can not handle with gloves and vaseline.
>
> once again make sure you contact me if you haven't yet any problem i will help you have a sh*tload of them. email me on (voodanispellhelp@gmail.com}  


While my pet rock hides under the love seat and expects to see me (aka, my character) turned into something unspeakable, I find that not only does nothing happen....the spell caster won't even have speaks with me.

Nor, amusingly enough, will his testimonials.

Unless he inadvertently turned both hisself AND testimonials into piranha genitals?

Bet that'll leave a mark...

That Left A Mark

Another scammer trots out a well worn scam template.

Another scammer gets edited.

Another chance to piss off Hellary's stupor volunteers.

And my pet rock, Seymour, had nothing to do with this one.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

Guess he so wanted to edit this one.

Anyway, meet someone that, at least in the pre-intro of her email, was listed as a "princess" when contacting my scambaiting character:


The faithful believe.

I want you to read this letter very carefully and i must apologize for bringing this massage to your box without any formal introduction due to the urgency confidential of this issue. I am happy to know you.

How are you? Hope everything goes well. Princess Mrs Arslan Nafisat Kayihan Mahzun I am, I was browsing online about your country when I found your email and I decided to contact you.

I am writing this mail to you with heavy tears In my eyes and great sorrow in my heart, I want to tell you this because I don't have any other option than to tell you as I was touched to open up to you, I married to Mr.Melik Mahzun who was exporter of Gold from Burkina Faso mining to worldwide for nine years before he died in the year 2005.We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only five days. Since his death I decided not to remarry, When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$ 8.5M (Eight Million Five hundred Thousand Dollars) in bank and presently this money is still in bank He made this money available for exportation of Gold from Burkina Faso mining to worldwide.

Recently, I suffer from throat cancer terminally ill. My Doctor told me that i am condemned to certain death due to cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness .Having known my condition I decided to hand you over this money to take care of the less-privileged people, you will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein.

I want you to take 30 Percent of the total money for your personal use While 70% of the money will go to charity" people in the street and helping the orphanage. I grew up as an Orphan and I don't have anybody as my family member, just to endeavor that the house of God is maintained. Am doing this so that God will forgive my sins and accept my soul because these sicknesses have suffered me so much.

As soon a s I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank in Burkina Faso and I will also instruct the Bank Manger to issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of the money in the bank that is if you assure me that you will act accordingly as I
Stated herein.

I await your quick and prompt reply

Thanks
Mrs Arslan Nafisat Kayihan Mahzun  


Oh, it is SO time for an edit h'yar:

On Wednesday, January 13, 2016 4:28 AM, Mrs Arslan Nafisat Kayihan Mahzun <princessnayal.namtabal@yahoo.com> gripped by a Rapunzel moment from Airplane, pulls the plug on North Korea's internet and laughs hysterically all the way to Dearborn MI for a toilet paper looting escapade, and then got around to wrote:
 

The faithful believe that the return of Bloom County heralds in a new age of snorting the banana, devil bunnies devil bunnies.  It's an Opus thing when Bill the Cat dons a bed pan under a storm trooper helmet and Trump toupee, and farts The Gong Show theme music in accapella.

I want you to read this letter very carefully and i must apologize for bringing this massage to your box without any formal massage training due to the urgency confidential of this issue. I am happy to say you don't know me and probably wouldn't care to after you see what I do to milkshakes and sneezes at my job in a McDonalds in Chicago.

How are you? Why am I asking?  I don't know because truly I don't care.  But I hope you're up on your Metamucil shots and you're regular, I guess. I have the honor this week to be Princess Mrs Arslan Nafisat Kayihan Mahzun, am of the queendumb of Hellarythighs Land, a country so screwed up that msnbc thinks we should be president because we have fat thighs as the special at KFC this month.  Be that as it may in Chappaquitthat, I was browsing online about your country when I found your email and I decided to use the following picture as a basis for contact you.

I am writing this mail to you with heavy tears In my eyes because the toilet seat dropped on my winkee -- my body doesn't always adapt well to the roles I'm supposed to play -- and now my neck is as long as ET's.  That's gonna leave a mark.  I want to tell you this because I don't have any other turtleneck sweaters for a neck that looks like a goose funnel.  Do you? 

 

I married to Mr.Melik Mahzun who was an Olympic champion once and started eating Wheaties and now he is Caitlyn Jenner with a winkee too.  'Cept he didn't catch his in a toilet seat.  Bastard.  He was a researcher in anal sex with goats in an effort to repopulate dodos in CNN's foreign bureau because there's not yet enough stupid there, before he died in the year 2015 of colon dry heaves.  We were once discussing marriage for eleven years until we saw a picture of Hellary in a thong and he died after a brief and very violent illness that lasted seconds after his mind scrub failed to purge that image from his mind's eye. Since his death I decided not to eat twatwaffles or work for anyone that emails pictures of genital humidors to Bill Clinton at 3am.  

When my late husband was alive he gave speeches about the benefits of painful rectal itch to Scams Without Borders, hindquartered at the Democrap National Committee (Debbil Washingmachine Schmuck, chairpoison) and presently he still has several speeches that were scheduled and not as yet delivered.  One you heard from the fauxtus on this past Tuesday delivered before Congress with all the audible raspberries edited out.  Only way you could hear the words.

Recently, I suffer from that toilet seat/winkee injury. My Doctor told me that i am condemned to looking like a cross between Debbil Washingmachine Schmuck and Jar Jar Binks due to it and the cancellation of my hellthscare by Obolascare. The one that really disturbs me most is that image of Hellary in a thong.  Having known my condition I decided to hand you over to the IRS for failure to not laugh at the image of my goose neck after the toilet seat/winkee thing, you douchenozzle.

 

I want you to take 30 Percent of the fauxtus sotu speech, edit it in Liechtensteinian, and send it to 70% of the monkeys at the Chicago Zoo.  This will in some totally non sequitur way not be helping people in the street and organage. I am doing this so that God will forgive my sins and forget about that night at the strip club in DC with goats, Josh Earnest and an armadildo.

As soon a s I receive your reply I shall foul myself repeatedly in shock.

I await your quick and prompt reply with a marginal Depends in place.

 

Thanks
Princess Arslan Nafisat Kayihan Mahzun

arslanmelikmah@gmail.com

Stupor Volunteer of Hellary for Prison 2016

"Only term she's fit to serve" -- Bill Clinton   

 

 

I don't imagine that I'm terribly popular in hellaryland just now...or with a scammer in Burkina Fatso.