Thursday, February 18, 2016

The Pet Rock Executes An Edit

My pet rock, Seymour, loves editing.

He especially loves editing North Korean despot Kim Jong Un.

So when Seymour saw that "Dear Leader" had executed another of his top aides, Seymour was all over it in true pet rock 'edit' style:

Kim Jong Un Executes Top Military Chief, This Time Using Hellary To Do It

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un continues executing members of his inner circle in ways so exotic one marvels at how he comes up with these methods.

The latest reported execution – see what I just did there? – of Ri Yong Gil, chief of the North Korean military’s general staff, is by the most heinous method yet. He was executed by “pernicious mind f**k”, according to South Korean anonymous sources: he was forced to endure looped audio of Hellary Clinton speech shrieking while viewing her in a 5x thong.

Details about North Korea’s government are notoriously hard to obtain, but South Korean sources say that Ri’s execution and the particularly gruesome manner of carrying it out was part of Kim’s effort to strengthen his probability of South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone making a Team America World Police sequel starring hisself.
It’s also believed that Ri was facing charges for abusing his power by farting during a Kim Jong Un speech to “Feel the Bern” college zombies at KnockWurst Liberal Arts College in Whackadoodle, CA, shortly before his execution.

Ri, who took up the top military job with considerable trepidation in 2013, was considered to be one of Kim’s next targets for exotic execution, as he frequently accompanied the leader on tours of army units and factories, knowing that one faux pas would “get 'er done”.

Unnecessary speculation arose around his coming fate after he missed two key national events in North Korea - a meeting of senior flush toilet technician officials, and a rally to urge Parker/Stone to make that damned sequel for Kim Jong Un so he might increase the starving population's rice ration to 1,000 calories a day.

During the senior flush toilet technician meeting, Kim called for a single minded effort on the part of all of North Korea to double the number of flush toilets in Pyongyang to 2.

Last July, South Korea’s intelligence service said that at least 70 North Korean officials have been executed by increasingly unusual and exotic means since Kim’s inauguration of Warner Brothers-style Loony Toons executions in 2011.

Before Ri’s death, 69 others were dispatched by a plethora of unusual and exceptionally cruel means, including being eaten by hungry dogs, an anti-aircraft gun, or having to meet with Jimmy Carter. Future methods may include being forced to stare at a Medusa-like photo of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, or having to watch the entire collection of Kardashian reality TV shows.

Outside experts say that the increasingly brutal methods of execution indicate that the young leader is a real prick.

I don't think that Seymour cares any more whether he eventually garners a Pulitzer for these edits or not.  I think he's hoping for a cameo when Parker/Stone finally cave and do that Team America sequel.

"Am NOT!!!"

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Blogger Sandee said...

I'm having a bit of trouble getting past the 5x thong. She's disgusting enough and you have to add that Seymour. I thought we were pals.

Have a fabulous day Seymour. My best to your human. ☺

18 February, 2016 09:16  

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